Chapter 157

You could always pull me through

Exhausted, Eric slid his key in the door and quietly pushed it open. The room was dark except for the light from one lamp on the far table and it was eerily quiet. It had been more than 36 hours since he stormed out of his own apartment, embarrassed and angry by his own behaviour. All he wanted now was a little peace and the chance to sleep. He dropped his keys into the bowl by the entrance and headed for the kitchen.

He jumped as he heard Patrick's voice behind him.

"I was getting ready to send out a search party."

Sighing quietly, he turned around and offered a regretful smile. "I'm really, really sorry about yelling at you – you and Robin. It was uncalled for."

Patrick acknowledged the apology with a nod. There was a small welt along his jaw where he had hit him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replied, grabbing a juice bottle from the refrigerator. "I'm just….I'm just tired, so I'm going to head up to bed." Brushing past his friend, he walked out of the kitchen.

Jamming his hands into his pockets, he followed him out. "I found the letter," he announced quickly.

With his foot poised over the bottom stair, Eric paused. Swallowing thickly, he slowly turned around. "Letter?"

With the good grace to at least blush slightly, he nodded. "Yeah. From Child and Family Services."

Eric cocked his eyebrow. "The one in my room?"

"You can slug me later if you want," he offered. "But I was worried about you and so I snooped a little." After replacing the letters, he had decided it was better for both of them if he pretended not to have seen the one from Karen.

Too tired to find any anger, he answered simply. "Oh."

"You…you didn't tell anyone."

Juice in hand, Eric walked away from the stairs and flopped on to the couch. "Well if you read the letter then you know there was nothing to tell."

Patrick sank on to the couch at the other end. "Dude."

Taking a long drink, he said nothing for several minutes. Exhaling slowly, he twisted the cap back on the bottle. "I used to…I used to think the reason I got cancer was so I would be a brilliant surgeon. I would tell myself that what I lost in that year was small matter compared to what I gained – that I would be a world class surgeon with extraordinary skill." He laughed bitterly. "Turns out I'm not and in the end there was actually no point in me having cancer."

Patrick's brow knit together. "You are a world class s-s-surgeon"

Glancing at him sceptically, Eric shook his head. "Am I? Seems to me I failed you."

"Pardon? You failed me? Wh-what the hell are you talking about?"

"You woke up the first time with minor aphasia and hand tremors. You woke up the second time with major aphasia, memory loss and hand tremors. Every time you stutter or search for a word it's like a slap in the face reminding me I didn't get the job done as I promised to do – as I was supposed to be able to do. It's pretty much failing and failing big."

"Smitty"

"Do you know what it's like to be half-dead?" he asked quietly. "Where you are literally hovering between two worlds? You can feel the icy cold grip of death pulling you and you're clawing at the ground trying not to give in. You do it long enough and you get exhausted and then….then you have to choose – are you going to live or are you going to die? It was like that for almost two weeks Pantsy and when….when I finally decided I was going to live I figured it must mean that I would be a great doctor."

Patrick pensively rubbed his finger along his bottom lip. Though he had been with his friend every step of the way, they had almost never talked about the experience in detail– certainly not from his perspective. He had long admired how easily he seemed to pull it together and only now was he realizing 'together' was a relative term.

"I don't understand why you think you're a failure."

"Because I don't feel like I'm much of a success" he offered.

"Eric, I am alive because of you. You saved my life – more than once – and you have saved the lives of a lot of others. There isn't any way that you could be considered a failure as a doctor or as a friend."

He said nothing as he continued to pick at the plastic ring on the neck of the bottle.

"Why didn't you tell me or anyone about wanting to foster Josh?"

Eric shrugged. "I guess…I guess I didn't want to make a big deal about it. And because I hadn't figured out what it meant for Alexis and I."

"Do you….do you really hate me for bringing you into this part of my life?"

He shook his head and smiled sadly. "No. In fact I'm grateful to you. I met Alexis because of you and that has meant everything to me. But it still feels like I've failed somehow."

"You know…I asked you that night at Jake's to make sure I stayed alive so I could marry Robin and you did. Robin and I are going to get married and live together and…and raise a family. You made sure I would be here for that – there is no failure."

Inhaling sharply, he closed his eyes. "I wish I had more to offer."

"You have more to offer than you know."

His eyes flew open at the sound of Alexis' voice and as both men turned their heads, they saw Robin and Alexis standing in the doorway. Getting to his feet, he walked around the couch and stood in front of both of them, just out of reach.

"I am so very sorry I yelled at both of you. It was uncalled for and incredibly….I was wrong to do so."

Robin, thinking back to the accusations and insults she had hurled at him when Patrick was in the hospital, smiled kindly. "We all reach a breaking point" she told him. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Rubbing his hand over his mouth, he flashed a grateful smile. "Thanks." He glanced over at Patrick and back to the two women. "I…I really need to grab some sleep so I'll…." His voice trailed off and unable to meet Alexis' eyes, he turned on his heel and disappeared up the stairs.

"How long were you guys standing there?" Patrick asked.

"For almost all of it," Robin answered, her heart suddenly hammering in her chest.

Alexis looked over at the stairs and then back to her friends. "If you'll both excuse me" she asked, heading to Eric's room.

Patrick walked towards Robin, waggling his eyebrows. "So do you think we can make our sleepover three nights in a row?"

Swallowing thickly, she forced a smile. "I don't know – we probably shouldn't."

****
Peeling off his clothes and uncharacteristically letting them drop where he stood, Eric crawled in to bed, diving under the covers. He didn't so much want to go to sleep as he wanted to disappear. He had spent a lot of time making sure the ground underneath him was solid but the last few weeks had made it feel very shaky.

He bit down on his lip as he heard his bedroom door open. Opening his eyes, he stared nervously at Alexis. She closed the door and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

Cupping his face, she stroked her cheek with his thumb and leaning in, gently kissed his lips.

He placed his hand at her waist and smiled wistfully. "I…I applied to be Josh's foster parent a few weeks ago and was turned down."

She nodded. "Did you not think I would support you in this? Eric, I was the District Attorney and I have a lot of connections, I could have helped."

"I know," he told her quietly. "But I guess…I think I just wanted someone to see that I would be a good choice without having to do it as a favour for someone."

Sweeping her hand across his chest, she nodded. "I get it, I do. I'm just sorry that you went through it by yourself. And I guess I didn't really understand the impact Patrick's illness and surgery had on you – or at least I didn't understand how deeply it impacted you."

"It's been a tough go lately and I've been a bit of an ass as a result." Reaching up, he brushed her bangs from her face. "I do love you" he stated.

"I've never doubted that." She pulled back the covers and tucked herself underneath the blankets, curling in towards him. "Look, there are still options and after you've rested up and are feeling a little stronger, we can talk about them if you want to."

Blowing out his cheeks, he shook his head. "I don't know Alexis – I….it's too hard to get my hopes up again. Right now I think I just want to spend time with you."

"That works for me," she said quietly. "But just promise me you won't shut me out again? I'd rather fight with you than feel like I'm losing you."

He pressed his lips to hers as he spoke. "I promise."

****
Patrick looked at her in surprise. "What do you mean we probably shouldn't? It was fine the last two nights and I…I kind of like having you in my bed."

"You needed me the last two nights," she said defensively. "Eric's home now-"

"And I still n-n-need you" he interjected.

It was the conversation about marriage and family that had sent her blood pressure bolting skyward. But she was not able to articulate it – she didn't know how to tell him that even after several long arduous therapy sessions talk of happily ever after filled her with dread and not joy. It made her furious that she was still struggling with what, in her mind, should be an easy fix.

"Look, I know it's not easy being patient but you're going to have to be."

Frowning, Patrick stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I am being patient, I just don't understand why we were fine for two nights and now we aren't."

"Because….because – because I'm not ready for more, okay?" she tried to fight back her frustration.

Physically taking a step back, he nodded. "Okay. I guess I'll just wait for you to yank on my chain the next time you are."

Her cheeks flushed furiously. "Excuse me?"

"What? Robin, I am trying to be patient – I am. I love you and our baby and I want you to be healthy and strong but at the moment it feels like all I can do is wait around and react to what you're ready for – and that seems to change daily."

"Unlike you when you had your issues – where you were just easy, breezy?"

He sighed heavily. The toll of the last few days weighed on him and the conversation had left him drained. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I don't want to fight."

"Me too," she told him, slightly mollified. "I…I should go."

She walked to him and standing on her tip toes, quickly pecked him on the cheek. She grabbed her bag and headed for the door. With her hand on the handle, she stopped and turned around.

"I love you too Patrick. It'll get better, I promise."