Chapter 159

I am in repair, I am not together but I'm getting there

The jingle of the bells pulled her attention from her crossword puzzle to the door and she smiled as he walked in. Waving him over, she got to her feet and hugged him tightly.

"It's great to see you," Robin said as she re-took her seat.

"You too," Darren replied, sliding into the seat opposite her.

He smiled at the waitress who filled his mug with steaming coffee and immediately reached for the sugar. Seeing Robin's eyes widen as he placed spoonful after spoonful in the mug, he rolled his eyes in mock irritation.

"I have a sweet tooth. Don't judge me."

"And you're touchy too" she teased, breaking off a piece of her cookie and dunking it in the milkshake in front of her.

"No coffee?" he inquired.

She shook her head. "Not any more. I…well….I'm pregnant."

His eyes went wide with surprise and his face split into a large grin. "Robin! That is fantastic news! You must be over the moon." Seeing her face drop, he reined in his enthusiasm. "You aren't over the moon?"

Sighing heavily, she gave a small shrug. "I am and I'm not. Finding out I was pregnant seems….well…it has…," stammering, she took a deep breath and started again. "It seems to have stirred up several issues for me. Don't get me wrong I'm really thrilled that I'm going to be a mother, I've wanted that for a long time. I just…I didn't know it came with all this stuff."

Darren took a sip from his mug and looked at her pensively. "What kind of stuff?"

"It's left me feeling a little insecure about my relationship with Patrick for starters. I struggle with having exposed him, I struggle with the knowledge that I am going to bring a child in to our lives and leave before any of us are ready, I struggle with how much he wants to be a family and get married and how much that terrifies me."

He nodded his understanding as he leaned back in his chair. "Was this the first time you exposed Patrick?"

"Yes. And I always knew if it happened I would feel badly but I don't think I was ever prepared for how badly I did feel."
"There is no preparation for that Robin," he told her. "There is absolutely no way you can wrap your head around it and insulate yourself against the shock. It's destabilizing every time it happens and quite honestly, no matter how receptive or understanding your partner is, they simply cannot understand."

It was as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her work with Lainey was difficult and was delving in to issues that had built up inside her over time and while that was proving to be helpful, some times all you needed was the confirmation that you were not alone in your thinking.

"Have you…" she began.

"The condom has broken twice for me," he replied. "And each time my girlfriend was loving and calm and patient and I was a wreck. You can say that law of averages dictates that it will happen and you can spout everything you want about how your viral load is low and risk of transmission is low but the minute you realize it's happened-"

"It's like the whole world stops" she finished for him.

Taking another sip from his coffee, he smiled. "Exactly."

"I worry that he's going to hate me."

His brow knit together questioningly. "What do you mean?"

Her voice dropped to a whisper and her gaze dropped to her glass. "If he tests positive, if the baby does."

"I'm not sure that's within your control-" he started before Robin cut him off.

"But it is! He couldn't test positive if it weren't for sleeping with me and our baby couldn't test positive if it were for me being pregnant."

"So what are you going to do?" he asked. "Stop having sex? That's no life. Not have the baby? You just said it was something you wanted for a long time. Robin, there is so much we have to control when we're positive – our meds, our nutrition, our energy, our sleep, how we have sex - but there is so much that is outside of our control."

"But-"

He raised his hand. "You take every precaution that you know of and you make sure the people in your life are fully informed, after that it's no longer in your control."

"That's what I find so hard," she admitted quietly.

"I know, me too. But what choice do we have? We can lock ourselves away, denying relationships and feelings and everything else life has to offer but I think that does a disservice to those who came before us. Not everyone has had the chances or the good fortune we have and if we don't embrace it all then we are dishonouring them."

Robin raised her eyebrows in slight bemusement. "Did you need a ladder for your soapbox?" she asked.

Darren laughed and shook his head. "Nope. I managed to climb up here all by myself."

Smiling, Robin sucked back the last of her milkshake. "You make a lot of sense," she admitted. "And rationally I know all this – intellectually I get it but…"

"Emotionally?" he prompted.

"Emotionally it sends me into a tailspin. And every time Patrick talks about marriage or family or long term I feel like I'm going to pass out."

"Don't you want to be married?"

She broke off another piece of cookie and popped it in her mouth, using the delay as an opportunity to gather her thoughts. "I've never seen a marriage really last" she told him quietly. "My parents split up, they married other people and they split up, my uncle got his heart stomped on, my best friend got left at the altar. I've never seen a marriage make it to the end. And Patrick….Patrick is a product of this grand love affair – his parents' marriage was a love story for the ages and would still be going strong if his mom hadn't died. Their house in the Hamptons is covered in tributes to their family – to their togetherness. I'm not sure….that doesn't reflect the experiences I grew up with."

Darren drained his coffee, shoving the mug off to the side. "Robin, I don't pretend to understand relationships, including my own, but I do know enough to know that we are not the sum total of our parents. 'Cause if that were the case I would be a workaholic and emotionally stunted and I'm neither of those things."

A half smile formed on her lips. "You may not be emotionally stunted but I think I might be."

He shook his head. "Not a chance. But have you told Patrick any of this?"

She let out a long slow breath. "I'm not sure I'm ready to just yet. I need to work it out in my head a little more before I have this conversation. I love him Darren, without hesitation."

"Then what is it?"

"Right now I just don't feel like I can marry him. I….I've started going to therapy in hopes that I will get to that place but some days, like today, I'm just not sure it will ever happen."

"Like everything else, it's about faith. You have to believe it will happen Robin and once you have faith that it will, the world has a way of falling into place."

She gave him a small, appreciative smile and slipped her hand inside her pocket fingering the Michael the Archangel medallion Patrick had given her during her protocol change. She had taken to wearing it during her sessions with Lainey and running her fingers along it when things seemed difficult.

"I don't want to fail" she whispered. "And now we are going to have a baby and that will be the most important thing either of us ever do and I don't want to do anything that will negatively impact that – even if it means not getting everything I want. Our child has to come first."

"Are you afraid to fail?"

Robin shook her head. Failure was not something she feared – she had experienced it often enough both personally and professionally. In many ways she had come to embrace it as a right of passage but this was different.

"Not afraid but I can't afford to – we can't afford to. The costs are too high this time." Exhaling slowly, she gave him an apologetic look. "I just realized every time I ask you for coffee I do all the talking."

"Not true, I did some talking."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, you talked. About me. I'm not normally this self-centered."

Reaching across the table, he stole the last piece of her cookie and popped it in his mouth. "You aren't self-centered and I do plenty of talking at group so I'm happy to lend an ear when you need it." He glanced at his watch. "I do have to run though."

Pushing back her chair she got to her feet, came around the table and hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much for everything" she told him. "Meeting you was a stroke of luck on my part."

He hugged her back and smiled. "We're both lucky. Take care Robin – I'll talk to you soon."

Letting go of her, he turned towards the door and came face to face with a glowering Patrick.

"Hey Patrick, nice to see you again."

"You too, David" he replied tightly.

"It's Darren," he corrected easily. "Congratulations on the baby – that's great news."

He gave a passing glance to him before turning his attention back to Robin. "Thanks"

With a small shrug, Darren headed outside.

Robin smiled as she walked over to Patrick. "Hey – I didn't know you were coming to Kelly's."

"I just came by to p-pick up some lunch," he replied. "Did you have a good time with whatshisface?"

Giving him a curious look, Robin nodded. "It's always good to be able to talk to him – he just gets it."

"Yes I know. You told him you were pregnant?"

Cocking her head to the side, she noticed the muscle in his cheek twitching. "Is there some reason why I shouldn't?"

He shrugged. "I just didn't know we were telling people beyond our families. I guess there's a lot I don't know" he added.

His initial euphoria at both the house purchase and the letter from his mother had rapidly dissipated in the intervening days. He and Robin had had difficulty finding time together and he was getting the distinct impression that the grip on their relationship was tenuous at best some days.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to push his temper to the side. "Do you want to have dinner tonight? We could go to the Green Papaya for Thai – you love their sticky rice."

Robin's face fell. "I'm sorry. I told Maxie I would go shopping with her tonight."

"Cancel" he told her.

Doing a double take, she shook her head. "What?"

"Robin, we haven't seen in each other for more than a few minutes in almost a week. You can see Maxie any time – I want to have dinner with you and talk. I…I just think it would be good if we could spend some time together."

Reaching out, she placed her hand on his arm. "Patrick, I do want to spend time with you but it's not fair for me to cancel on her – we've had these plans for a few days now. Look, let's have dinner tomorrow night and we can talk through the night – I don't have to work the next day."

Patrick groaned. "But I do." Sighing heavily, he rubbed his hand over his face. "Have a good time with Maxie and we can talk tomorrow about dinner."

The slight tone of melancholy in his voice gave her pause. Standing on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips against his. "I love you, you know."

He slid a hand around her waist and drew her to him, kissing her softly. "I know." With his forehead resting against hers, he stole another quick kiss. "I'll talk to you later."

Slowly extricating herself from his arms, she nodded. "I'll call you when I get home from shopping."

He gave a small wave goodbye and wondered why his heart felt like it was cracking.