Chapter 163

I just want to find a heart like mine

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Patrick watched as his friend carefully and precisely folded his clothes before neatly placing them in his suitcase. In all the years he had known Eric he had always been like this - deliberate and careful; he thrived on order and hated chaos. He was similar though admittedly got more of a thrill by pushing things to the edge than he did.

"So when will Josh get to go home with you and Alexis?" he asked, noticing the small smile that formed on his friend's face.

"Next week," he replied, adding another sweater to the pile. "They're going to do a couple of interviews with our friends - like you - to confirm that we're not freaks."

Patrick smirked. "So are you saying I shouldn't tell them about your porn collection 'Naughty Pirates of the Caribbean'?" Laughing, he caught the sweater that flew at his head. "So listen...."

Hearing the change in tone in his voice, Eric stopped packing and cautiously looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"Are you sure?"

Sinking down beside him on the bed, he scrunched up his face. "About Josh or Alexis?"

Patrick nervously rubbed his hands along his jeans. It wasn't really in his nature to question Eric's choices - of the two of them he had always been more together - but he had had a glimpse over the last few weeks of how he had been beaten up emotionally and he wanted to ensure he wasn't setting himself up for more of the same. He was his best friend and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him.

With a small shrug he answered. "Both, I suppose."

Eric rubbed his hand across his mouth as he contemplated his answer. "I'm very sure of Alexis," he began quietly, "I mean...I don't think I've ever been in love like this before"

"Not even with Karen?" he asked, his mind drifting back to the manipulative letter he had discovered.

He shook his head. "Not even with her. As for Josh," he blew his cheeks out. "I...I want to make things better for him. Alexis has convinced me that it's okay to want this and to have it."

"But?"

"But it all feels so unstable" he finished softly.

"And you hate that."

Eric chuckled. "Hell yeah. What about you? How did it go at Robin's appointment?"

A happy, wondrous smile appeared on his face. "We saw the heartbeat"

Clapping him on the back, Eric grinned. "That's awesome."

"It was," he nodded. "To know that we've created this life - to see it on a screen-" He paused and grimaced slightly. "Is it....is it okay that I-"

"It's fine" he interjected. "Pantsy, I'm happy for you and I think it's great that you're going to be a dad. I'm happy that you've found those roots that you've been looking for."

His cheeks flushed slightly as he thought back to the night before and how he and Robin had loved each other so passionately and deeply. She provided the roots and he had planted himself beside her hoping their roots would entwine and wrap around each other the years to come. Their relationship felt stronger than it had since she discovered she was pregnant. He was under no illusions that there was still a road to travel but he believed that the worst was over.

"I'm going to show her the house" he admitted shyly.

"Really?"

Patrick nodded. He had been waiting for jus the right moment to tell her about it - to show her the plans he was making for their family and after last night felt that he had finally received it.

"Yeah - later this week. I'm going to decorate it a little and then show it to her."

"You're sure?"

Patrick gave him a curious look. "Very sure. We're back on track." He grinned sloppily as he glanced at his friend. "Smitty, we've come a long way from our days in the City - we're on the verge of having it all and I don't know about you but I can't wait."

*****
Looking at the ultrasound picture, Alexis smiled and then looked at Robin. "Those are some pretty impressive dots" she teased.

Giggling, Robin nodded as she reached for her glass of Perrier. "I know. Patrick was acting like he could see a Nobel Prize winner in them."

"So he was excited?"

She leaned back against the couch and absently rubbed her belly. "More than excited. Alexis, I was sure that he wouldn't want this but he....he's embraced it so fully and completely."

"He loves you" she reminded her gently.

"I know and I love him."

Taking a long sip from her wine glass, she studied her friend carefully. "I sense some hesitation."

"About loving him? No" she shook her head. "I am so clear about my feelings for him."

"Then what is it you're unclear about?"

Robin shrugged. Being intimate with him again after their time apart had been both a blessing and a curse. The depth of her feelings for him were so firmly entrenched but his talk about marriage and a future together had produced a strong panic in her. His confidence about marriage and raising a family jarred her because she did not have the same surety. Rarely in her life had her feelings been at war with each other the way they are now.

"What would you do if Eric kept talking about marriage?" she asked, avoiding Alexis' question.

"Tell him the kind of ring I want," she joked before taking on a serious tone "Robin, discussions about marriage have to happen in the clear light of day with both people being honest about what they want - and I say this as someone who has been married a couple of times. And if Eric kept talking about it then he and I would have to talk about why it's important to him and if it's important to me." Setting her glass down, she pulled her legs underneath her. "Do you not want to be married?"

Her heart beat loudly in her chest and she took several deep breaths to push the fear down. "I don't know. I always thought I did but I also never thought it would happen."

"And now that it can you've realized it's a scary prospect?"

She chuckled softly. "Something like that. Do you know I've never seen a marriage last - regardless of how much love there was?"

"Loving, faithful marriages are not as common as they once were" she agreed, "but they do happen - they take work but they happen. Have you told Patrick that marriage might not be for you?"

Regretfully, she shook her head. "I'm not ready to say that yet. Marriage is important to him - despite his rebellious veneer, Patrick is a traditionalist. He wants what his parents had. He wants the formality of rings and ceremony and paperwork. And if I tell him I don't then how do we compromise? One of us would have to give up everything that matters to us on the issue and that's not fair."

"Sounds like an impasse" she quietly observed.

Robin nodded as her eyes pricked with tears. "I want to want to marry him. I want to believe that forever with him won't end with him hating me or feeling trapped but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. My love for him is so strong but I don't know how to translate it in to more."

"Have you told him that?"

She gave a small shake of her head.

"That's not like you" Alexis rebuked her gently. "Robin you are always honest and it's not like you to keep the truth from people, especially Patrick."

A small scoff escaped her lips. "That's not entirely true - I've kept the truth from him a couple of times as he has done to me. I mean we are mostly honest with each other but when either of us seems to hit a personal crisis the first thing we do is shut the other person out."

"Have you guys ever really hashed that out?"

"We've talked about it."

Alexis shook her head. "No, I mean clear the air - get all the ugly up the surface. Have you told him what it felt like for you the day he walked out? Because Robin, I'm no psychologist but that day he became one more person who left you - even if it was temporary. So maybe the reason you can't see yourself marrying him is because despite how much you love him, you've already seen him leave once and your well developed survival instincts aren't letting you go there again. And has he talked to you about how he felt when he found out about your new protocol? Maybe he wants to marry you so badly because he caught a glimpse of how fleeting your health can be and he figures if he marries you, ties you to him somehow, then he can stop the inevitable."

Several stray tears trickled down her face and Robin swiped at them. "I should be paying you instead of Lainey."

She laughed. "Uh, no. But as someone who comes from a twisted family I am well versed about getting in my own way to kill my own happiness and sometimes it makes it easier to see it in others."

"Seems like you're getting out of your own way these days" she told her kindly.

"I am but it's not easy. But I have finally found someone worth fighting my demons for. He takes me exactly as he finds me, as I do him and then we build on that. Kind of like you and Patrick" she remarked.

Robin smiled at the observation. "I don't want to disappoint him but....Alexis I can't move any faster than I am right now and I'm worried he's running out of patience"

"Then you need to tell him" she encouraged. "You need to tell him everything. His reactions may not be what you want them to be at first - there are no right reactions to this - but there is too much love between you for it not to work out."

She sighed heavily. "You're right. Later this week I'll tell him"