Chapter 164

All the anger and the eloquence are bleeding into fear

Glancing nervously at his watch, Patrick realized he was running short on time to finishing setting up everything the way he wanted before he picked Robin up. He shook out the large plaid wool blanket and laid it on the floor of the living room. Sprinting to the kitchen he retrieved the picnic basket he had stored there and brought it back to the living room, setting it down by the blanket. Grabbing a lighter, he set about quickly lighting the 60 or so pillar candles he had strategically placed around the living room.

In the week since the doctor's appointment – and the night they spent together – it had been a struggle to find time beyond grabbing a quick cup of coffee in the cafeteria. Their schedules seemed to be at odds with each other, overlapping or on opposite shifts but they were both free this night and Patrick had asked her for dinner. She had readily accepted his invitation and he was excited about showing her the house.

Having lit the last of the candles, he stepped back and appraised the room; it definitely set a scene. Experience in romantic gestures was lacking for him but he felt that this was a pretty good effort and could not wait to see her expression when she realized the house she had marvelled at and raved about for months was now their new family home.

Bolting from the house, he quickly locked the door behind him and jumped into his car, on his way to pick her up. This was going to be a turning point for them.

****
Pacing anxiously in her apartment, sure she was wearing a hole through the floorboards Robin rubbed her clammy hands on her dress. Her conversation with Alexis over dinner, earlier in the week, had left her with much food for thought and she knew her friend was right. She needed to tell Patrick that discussions and plans for the future needed to be put on hold for a while longer and they needed to deal with all the residual ache left from the last year. It was going to be a difficult and unpleasant conversation – she knew already that he would be disappointed – but it had to be done.

Her head jerked up as his key slipped in the door and she swallowed down the large, acrid lump that had formed in her throat. A small whoosh of breath escaped from her throat as he came through the door. He was dressed in pale blue cashmere turtleneck and a pair of dark jeans. When he smiled at her, his dimple almost winked in invitation and for a moment she was incapable of any thought, save for – he was beautiful and she loved him.

"Hi" he greeted her confidently, his Drake confidence in full flight.

His brown eyes danced lightly as he drank her in. She was wearing a dark cranberry shift dress and while he knew it was too early for her to be showing, he could swear her body was filling out and the sight of her new curves left him breathless.

"Hi" she replied quietly as she reached for her purse.

Walking to him she was taken by surprise as he suddenly cupped her cheeks and kissed her with such fervour. Her knees trembled in response and she found herself gripping the waist band of his jeans to stay upright.

"That's a hell of a kiss" she joked as she regained her bearings.

"It's just what you do to me" he told her, slipping his hand through hers. "Ready?"

Grabbing her wrap, she nodded. "You still haven't said where we're going"

"It's a surprise" he told her breezily. "A new place in town, I'm sure you're going to love it."

There was something in the tone of her voice that gave her pause but she chalked it up to her own nerves. Reaching in to the pocket of her dress where she had pinned the Michael the Archangel medallion, she gave it a small rub for strength for what was to come.

*****
"I don't understand why a blindfold is necessary" she told him pawing at the dark scarf covering her eyes.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" he teased. "The girl who can kill a snake with a machete is discomforted by a little blindfold?"

"I just don't get it" she whined.

She wondered if he was taking her to the cabin and that filled her with a sense of dread. The cabin held so many special memories, not the least being it was where they conceived their child and she didn't know if she would be able to tell him what she needed to tell him in a room filled with milestones.

As the car came to a stop she realized they had not driven far enough to be at the cabin and she found her stomach pitching and rolling as she tried to figure out where they were. Her door opened and she felt Patrick's hand on her arm as he helped from the car. He guided her along a walkway and up a few steps. She heard a door open and wherever they had entered, it was deathly quiet. Their shoes clacked against the wood floor as he led her down a step.

"Ready?" he asked.

Her heart was thumping loudly and she wasn't sure she was ready for what lay on the other side of the blindfold but what choice did she have?

"Yes"

She could feel the heat from his body as he stood behind her, undoing the knot of the scarf. She could smell the light scent of his aftershave and it made her dizzy with desire – as it always did. As the soft material fell from her eyes, she blinked several times trying to adjust to the low lighting in the room. It was ablaze in candlelight and a beautiful picnic basket was set out in the middle of the floor with a blanket.

Disoriented, she turned and looked out the window and as trepidation welled up inside her, she understood exactly where she was.

Patrick smiled lovingly at her as he took her hand. "Welcome home"

Her lips parted and she exhaled heavily. "What the hell have you done?"

Staggering back two steps, he looked at her in shock. "Wh-what d-do you mean?"

"Please tell me you haven't bought this house" she pleaded, her heart beating wildly in her throat. Her hands shook and she could feel her eyes well with tears.

"I d-did" he stammered quietly. "For us – for our family."

She stamped her foot. "How could you?"

He shook his head in bewilderment. "How could I? You love this house. You've made me walk by this house almost every night for six months – you talked about it being the perfect family house."

"You bought a house for me?"

"Not for you. For our family – Robin we have a baby coming-"

"I'm well aware of that, thank you." As her fear grew, so did her sarcastic tone.

"I don't understand why you're upset." Patrick jammed his hands in his pockets to hide the trembling.

"Because you bought a house without consulting me! Because I'm struggling to come to terms with stuff and you're off planning our future like it's only a matter of time until I catch up."

"Isn't it?" he asked, "Isn't it only a matter of time? I asked you to marry me once and you told me you weren't ready but asked me to ask you again – you've asked me to be patient as you are working through the issues that have suddenly bubbled to the forefront and you did so suggesting that you are or were working towards us being together permanently. Is…is that not true?"

Her head was spinning and she could feel her throat closing up. "Permanent doesn't have to mean marriage" she said in a small voice.

Patrick's eyes widened in shock. "So you don't want to get married or you don't want to get married to me?"

"Patrick-"

"NO! Which is it Robin because you have been sending a whole lot of mixed messages and it's time for a little clarity. Is it that you don't want to get married or you don't want to marry me?"

"Patrick"

"WHICH is it?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" she shouted back.

An eerie silence fell over the room as Patrick walked to the large bay window and sank down on the sill. He stared at her in disbelief, almost not recognizing the woman leaning against the archway.

Robin swiped at the hot tears that had escaped her eyes and stole a glance at him. Not for the first time was she discovering that the truth, while necessary, didn't always set you free; sometimes you just traded one set of restraints for another.

"I'm sorry" she told him quietly.

"For what? For finally being honest with me? Or for letting me believe that we were going to be a family?"

"Marriage isn't the only definition of family. I should know – I grew up in several variations of families."

"Yeah well, I didn't." Exhaling quietly, he tiredly rubbed his hands over his face. "How long were you going to string me along?"

"I am NOT stringing you along!"

"Really?" he challenged. "Cause from here it feels like you are. And I mean, how would I know? You never tell me anything – you talk to Lainey, you talk to Alexis, you talk to Brenda – hell you even talk to David-"

"Darren"

"Whatever. You talk to them – I'm sure if I asked they could all tell me what exactly it is you're struggling with but I can't. But then again why should I be able to? I'm just the guy you fuck."

She crossed the room in four angry strides and the sound of her hand hitting his cheek echoed throughout. "Don't you dare – don't you dare try and vulgarize our relationship. You have never been that guy – EVER!"

Patrick didn't even bother to rub the red handprint on his cheek; he simply stared at her defiantly.

"You share with everyone but me" he told her coldly, "that says a lot about what you think of me."

"Well given how much you share with me I guess that puts us even, doesn't it?"

"I didn't realize it was a competition."

"Patrick – you want everything on your terms and your timetable. You didn't tell me about your tumour for weeks! I needed your best friend to tell me because you wouldn't. You hid tremors and your failing health until it was no longer possible."

"And you hid a rising viral load and a change in protocol" he shot back. "You don't trust me."

She shook her head. "It's not that I don't trust you, I can't trust you." Her hand flew to her mouth as the words had escaped before her brain could catch up.

Breathless, Patrick lurched to his feet and walked to the other side of the room. "Feel better?" he snarked.

"No" she replied honestly. "But I am being honest."

"Good f-f-for you – want a medal?"

Her cheeks burned at his tone. He was like a wounded animal striking out and knowing she had caused the wound only cut deeper. "You left" she said quietly. "You left me in a heap on the floor of the apartment and no matter how much I love you – and I DO love you – I just...."

"You don't believe I wouldn't do it again" he finished sadly for her.

"It doesn't mean I don't love you" she cried softly as tears streamed down her face. "Because I do. Patrick I have never loved anyone like I love you."
He laughed bitterly. "Too bad it's not enough though, right?"

"I need more time"

"So take it," he sniffed. "Take all the time you need and maybe when enough time has passed you'll find someone you can trust."

Robin gasped. "Wh-what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm done." His brown eyes shimmered with tears as he stared at her. "I love you but if you don't trust me then we don't have anything. I feel like a fool but I'm grateful that you've finally been honest with me."

"Patrick! That's not what I mean" Her head throbbed and her heart was cracking.

He shrugged in defeat. "I love you," he repeated. "I love you and our baby and I am going to be very present in our child's life but I don't know how to be the man you need me to be-"

"You ARE that man!" she cried, unable to stem the tears.

"Apparently not. So….I'm done."

As he walked around the room and blew out the candles, Robin couldn't help but feel he was extinguishing their relationship with the same breath.

"Grab your coat" he told her flatly, "I'll take you home."