Chapter 165

It gets harder and harder each day

Coming through the door of Jake's, Eric paused in the entrance and watched as his best friend attempted to peel the label from his beer bottle. Grimacing, he inhaled sharply and walked to his table.

"What up Pantsy?" he asked, sliding in to the chair opposite him.

Patrick looked up, slightly cross-eyed and smirked. "You owe me a car. You owe me a brand new silver Audi TT with aluminum V6 spark-ignition engine, gasoline direct injection and t-t-t-two stage variable intake manifold."

Folding his arms across his chest he gave him a curious look. "I do, do I? How do you figure?"

"Five" Pausing, he looked at the four fingers he was holding up and frowned. Taking another moment, he put up his thumb. "Five years ago you bet me I would fall in love one day and it would be worth it. You...you t-told me that it would be the most amazing experience of my life and if...if it wasn't you'd buy me the car of my choice. So pay up Schmitty" he slurred. "'Cause love shucks."

"What happened at the house?" he asked quietly. Patrick's pain and sadness was rolling off of him in waves and as he watched him signal to Coleman for another round he worried at just how bad it was.

"We're shre...shre...over." He flopped back against his chair and sighed heavily. "Coleman! Where's my damn drink?"

"She didn't like the house?" he prompted.

Patrick scoffed. "She didn't like me."

Eric studied him carefully. He had seen him close to breaking before and this was all so painfully reminiscent of those times in school when he would return after spending a holiday with his father, or looking for him in a bar or realizing he had broken yet another promise to stay sober. It had driven him to his knees over and over again and when he had finally had enough, he had pulled himself back to his feet and spent his time keeping everyone just out of reach - that is until he met Robin.

"She loves you," he reminded him.

With a bitter laugh, he shook his head. "What the fuck does that matter? She doesn't t-trust me. She thinks I'm going to leave her."

"You did leave her"

Shooting him a dirty look, Patrick reached for the beer bottle Coleman had set down. "I apologized for it."

"Yeah but does she know why you did it?"

He groaned in frustration. As had been the case for so long, the shit hit the fan and he called Eric. In his haste to call him, he momentarily forgot that there was no easy road with his friend, no quiet, unchallenging sympathy - he would make him work.

"It doesn't take a neurshur...neuroshur....brain doctor to know why I left - everyone - including her - knows I left to protect her."

Leaning forward, Eric rested his elbows on the table. "This would be a whole lot easier if you didn't lie to yourself," he told him, holding up his hand and warding off his protest. "You didn't leave to protect her - you left to protect yourself. You were scared Pantsy - as scared as I've ever seen you and for as long as I've known you, you get scared and you run - from people, from places, from memories." He nodded at the empty beer bottles on the table. "Your leaving wasn't about Robin, it was about you - and she knows that."

"I came back" he whispered sadly, "I came back."

"Yeah you did and I was proud of you but Patrick an apology excuses behaviour, it doesn't explain it."

He took a long drink of his beer and banged the bottle on the table, oblivious to the looks from the other patrons. "I want to MARRY her!! I want - for the REST of our lives"

"I know" he reassured him. "Patrick - give her time. I know she loves you - jesus, the whole hospital knows she loves you. She's struggling-"
With a dismissive wave of his hand, he clenched his eyes shut. "I am so fucking tired of that answer" He reached for his beer and swallowed down another swig. "When my dad was drinking - before I knew you, I was alone. I would clean up his vomit, throw out his empties, make him pot after pot of coffee - I would listen to him cry and weep over my mother's death and I had no one. People would tell me to be patient because he was struggling - they told me to give him space and he would come around-"

"He did"

"Yeah - a decade later. But I couldn't help him and I had no one. It's....it's a weird thing to wait and wait until someone decides you matter enough. This feels a lot like that."

"Dude" In that instant he saw the teenage boy who lost it all in a moment and had been trying to outrun that moment ever since.

"When am I going to be enough Smitty? When is having me in the present going to be worth more than the demons of the past?"

Eric sighed quietly and rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Pantsy, what can I do?"

He smiled wryly as he started to peel the label again. "You aren't going to buy me that Audi, are you?"

With a small chuckle, he shook his head. "No - 'cause I don't think you've won that bet yet."

"You suck" He drained his beer. "I'm off for the next few days - I think I'm ...I'm going to go to the Hamptons and see if I can't figure out what it means to be without Robin."

"I could go with you," he offered. "For a day or so."

Patrick blinked. "You would do that?"

"Of course I would" he told him kindly. "You aren't alone Pantsy – even if it feels like that right now."

"You're my best friend" he told him, getting unsteadily to his feet.

Pushing back his chair, Eric rose to his feet and nodded towards the door. "Come on then, let me give you a ride home."

It had been two days since Patrick brought everything to an end at the house; two days since she pushed him to bring everything to an end and Robin was beginning to think that she would never stop crying. Every time she thought she finally had a grip she would turn around and see some reminder of him and the tears would start anew.

She had sent Brenda an email letting her know that things with Patrick had ended and then ignored every phone call that came to the house. She had hoped in vain that one of the calls might be Patrick but she also knew she had no right to expect that he would call.

Groaning at the insistent pounding at her front door, she shuffled to the door and pulled it open. Seeing Brenda and Alexis standing on the other side, she did a double take.

"Wh-what are you guys-"

Bounding through the door Brenda wrapped her in her arms and hugged her tightly. "You didn't honestly think you could send me that email, ignore my phone calls and I would just do nothing, did you? I brought reinforcements."

Alexis held up a large paper bag. "And I brought ice cream. How are you Robin?"

Dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, she smiled tiredly. "I'm a mess and it's my own damn fault."

Shuffling back to the couch, she flopped down on the cushions and wrapped herself in a blanket. She felt at such loose ends and while grateful for the good intentions of her friends, she would have preferred to be alone.

"First things first," Brenda stated, settling down next to her as Alexis searched for three spoons in the kitchen, "are you take your meds?"

She frowned, shooting her a dirty look. "I'm pregnant, I'm not going to put my…our…baby in jeopardy."

Unfazed by her snappish tone, Brenda pattered on. "That's good. Now, what happened?"

Returning from the kitchen with three bowls, three spoons and a large tube of chocolate chip ice cream, Alexis sank into one of the chairs. "You told him you didn't want to marry him, didn't you?"

Robin shook her head. "Worse than that," she replied bitterly. "I told him that I didn't trust him – that I didn't trust him not to leave me again." She looked from one friend to the other and held up her hands. "So let me have it – tell me how awful I am."

"Being honest doesn't make you awful," Alexis told her quietly.

"And he did leave you once" Brenda pointed out. "Whether he knew it or not, he confirmed one of your worst fears."

Reaching for the bowl of ice cream, she scoffed. "One of my worst fears? I think it's pretty well established that it is my worst fear."

"No it isn't," Brenda corrected gently.

"My fear of mice does not count."

Moving closer to her Brenda slipped her arm around her and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "That isn't what I mean and you know it. Robs, your worst fear isn't him leaving you – it's you leaving him…..and your baby."

The spoon fell against the bowl, the clang echoing loudly in the room. "I would never leave them. Never."

"One day you aren't going to have a choice," she pressed on in the way only a best friend could. "And your worst fear is leaving them the way Stone left you and what that means for all of you. Robs, since the day you were diagnosed with HIV you have been at war with yourself. You have wanted it all but at the same time are terrified of having it because you believe it won't last."

As the tears trickled down her cheeks Robin simply gave up hope at wiping them away and let them run. She had always tried to convince herself that she wasn't a complicated person, that her life was straight forward but she was beginning to understand it was what she had told herself to avoid dealing with some of the emotional complexities her physical realities represented.

"It won't last," she answered hoarsely, "I don't….there's no way…. Who knows how much time I have?"

"Who knows how much time any of us have?" Alexis countered. "Robin, when I was in the hospital last year and shit scared at how tenuous it all was, you were the one that told me that we aren't promised an unlimited amount of tomorrows but that doesn't mean we stop living or loving," she added.

"I said that?"

Alexis nodded, smiling kindly at the young woman.

"I must have been medicated," she joked weakly, "or maybe I should be now."

"Nah," Brenda demurred, "you don't need medication but you do need to figure out what you want."

"I haven't a clue on how to start. I go to therapy, I go to group and I talk until the cows come home but I still can't figure out what I want."

"Do you love him?" Brenda asked.

"Do you have to ask?" she shot back in irritation.

"In fact, I do. Do you love him?" she repeated.

Robin pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "More than I have loved anyone in my life. He is it for me."

"Then that's where you start" she told her gently.

"Robin," Alexis began, "Patrick isn't without blame here – you guys have both hurt each other and as I said the other night, I think that you need to bring the ugly, uncomfortable moments to the surface and have them out. That's how trust is rebuilt. And I have every confidence you both can do it but you have to decide – actively decide that is what you want."

"I just never thought it would be this hard," she said, her voice thick with sadness.

"I've never known you to be afraid of hard work" Brenda pointed out kindly.

Almost insulted at the implication, Robin sat up straight and glared at her friend. "I'm not – I never said I was."

"There she is" Brenda grinned.

"Who?" Robin asked in bewilderment.

"The kick ass Robin Scorpio that I know and love. If a life with Patrick is what you want, then you're going to get it."

"And we're going to help" Alexis chimed in.

Brenda hugged Robin tightly. "You've waited too long to be this happy and loved Robin, if you want it, you can have it."

Sniffling, she lifted her head from her friend's shoulder and nodded. "I want it."