Chapter 166

It's a lifetime commitment, recovering the satellites

As she pried the lid from her hat box a tiny gasp escaped from her lips. Reaching inside she pulled out the positive pregnancy test and shook her head in wonder; Patrick had obviously slipped it in when he found it, wanting her to have that reminder of when their family began. How could she not trust a man who clearly loved her so very much?

Brenda and Alexis had kept her company long into the night, bolstering both her spirit and confidence as she doubted her ability to trust Patrick or forgive herself. She had finally tumbled into bed, cried out and exhausted, a few hours before sunrise. When she had woken up she felt a renewed energy to deal with what was ahead of her - ahead of them; and as Brenda had reminded her she had never been afraid of hard work. Wanting something, feeling you deserve it and being in a place to have it were all very different things and there was quite a bit of road to cover to get her from where she was to where she wanted to be.

Emptying out the contents of the box on to her bed, she rifled through them and spread them out. There were photos of her childhood, a ring from her godfather, a brooch from her stepfather, Stone's to-do list, a fudge mocha ice cream wrapper, information about HIV, the prayer cards from her parents' funerals, pictures of her and Brenda in all states of silliness and seriousness, letters to Jason that had never been mailed, a photo of Michael Corinthos as a baby and the tassel from her graduation from the Sorbonne. As she glanced at all of it she finally understood with a clarity that had been lacking that the contents of the box were memories - good and bad - but they were also the instigators of her need to run. She and Patrick had issues to work out, of that there was no doubt, but her reasons for not trusting, for not fully putting her faith in another person could be found here among the mementoes.

Rubbing her hand over her stomach, she exhaled. "I tell you what baby, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure your foundation is solid. I think you can jump from the highest heights if you know you can land on solid ground."

Hearing a loud knock at the door she swung her feet to the floor and shuffled out of the bedroom. Opening the door, she found Mac standing on the other side.

He gave her a small smile . "I ran into Brenda at Kelly's. I knew she would only be in town if you needed her so I thought I would come over and see if you needed me too."

The ever-present tears reappeared as she let herself be folded into a warm, familiar embrace. "I always need you." They stood in the doorway, hugging for several moments. "Did Brenda tell you?" she asked, her voice muffled against his shoulder.

"Nope. She was remarkably tight lipped."

Gently extricating herself from his arms, she pulled him over the threshold and closed the door behind him. He followed her to the couch and sitting down carefully studied her face. She was stressed and had been crying - two things that awakened his protective instinct like little else could.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Patrick broke up with me," she replied quietly, offering a weak smile.

"I'll kill him."

"No you won't" she told him, putting her hand on his arm. "I...I pretty much forced his hand."

Mac frowned skeptically. "I doubt that."

"I did" she insisted. "He wants to get married and raise our family together - he even bought a house - one that I love."

"And you don't want that?" he asked in confusion.

She sighed heavily. "I want to want it. I mean I do want it...I just...I just feel like there is so much standing in the way of me having it."

"Like what?" he probed carefully.

"Like I told him I didn't trust him."

"Is that true?"

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she gave a small nod. "I...I don't trust that he won't leave and when I told him that he said he was done. And I don't blame him."

"Yeah, well I do" Mac grumbled, briefly envisioning a small act of revenge.

"Uncle Mac you can't. He gave me everything I asked for - time and space for starters - and then I asked for more. Everyone has their limits."

"So...so where does this leave things?"

She absently rubbed her stomach. "I'm not giving up on being with him but I'm beginning to understand that....I mean I'm still furious about him leaving when he was sick and we're going to have to have that out one of these days but me not trusting him to leave me goes way deeper than that."

A thousand tiny knives stabbed at his heart as he listened to her. He had had a front row to almost all of her life and had watched helplessly as people she loved and who claimed to love her floated in and out of her life. He knew there had been consequences for it but he had not imagined that they were this profound.

"What are you going to do Robin?"

"Everything I have to" she answered tearfully. "Dealing with this might be the most important thing I do. I have to slay my own dragons and when I do then I can be with Patrick in the way we should be. When I do, I will be able to give our child the life and the example that they need."

He kissed her forehead. "Sweetheart, you are already a great example to any child."

Smiling, she placed her hand against his chest. "You've always been my number one supporter and it has meant - it means - everything to me. But I've slowly and rather painfully been learning that it is a horrible feeling to be so afraid of being left behind that you will do anything, including sabotaging yourself and your happiness to make sure it doesn't happen."

"Like pushing people away and closing yourself off?"

"Yeah. Like running away to Paris and not coming home for years and years, like turning down dates or accepting with people you have no business going out with. I know that I can survive being left behind - I've done it more times than I can count but I'm tired of just surviving. It's not nearly as romantic or inspirational as people think it is. I want to be happy," she admitted hoarsely, "I want to be with Patrick and our baby and I want to be the woman he deserves."

Mac slid his arm around her shoulders and she snuggled in next to him. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Well you know I already think you are more than any man deserves." Robin chuckled. "But I'm proud of you for wanting to do this."

She sighed quietly. "It's going to be hard."

"Yeah."

"And even when I'm done sorting myself out there's not guarantee that he'll be waiting for me or even still want a life with me. I know that I've hurt him, I know it but....I have to try," she rasped. "I have to try because he's worth the risk."

"What can I do?" he asked her softly.

"I may need you to hold me up from time to time."

"You are my niece and I love you. I could not love you more if you were my own child. I'll be with you every step of the way."

Leaning her head against his shoulder, she fingered the claddagh necklace that still hung around her neck. She and Patrick had talked about its symbolism more than once - she wore around her neck and he had it etched over his heart - and they both agreed that it was who they were to each other and to themselves. She thought back to those days after April Gilbert's death when she could barely put one foot in front of the other as she kept tripping over ghosts. He had believed in her, he had been sure she would come through it and he was right. If she was going to trust him, she was going to have to trust herself first; that was the first step to getting back to Patrick and she was finally ready to take it.