Chapter 168

Each time I think that the worst of it's through
I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you

Sliding into the chair in the hospital cafeteria Patrick noticed the inescapable smile on Eric's face and could not help but smile back just a little.

"Today's the day?" he asked.

Fidgeting with the lid of his coffee cup he nodded. "Yeah. We're bringing him home. The girls are so excited"

"They aren't the only ones" he teased lightly.

The apples of his cheeks turned bright read and he smiled sheepishly. "I can't get rid of the goofy grin on my face."

"Then don't," Patrick offered. "Smitty you deserve this – all of it. Be happy and enjoy it."

"Thanks" he replied softly.

It had been almost two weeks since he had driven him to the Hamptons and while he knew that his friend was still in a bad place, he was relieved, at least, to see him back at work and less withdrawn than he had been.

"Have you seen her yet?"

Patrick shook his head. She had reached out to him a couple of times through text messages and phone calls but he had not been ready to talk to her. His emotions were all over the place – he vacillated between being sad and angry. He wanted to be with her, he wanted to crawl into bed with her, take her in his arms and never let her go but it wasn't a possibility.

"I tried to change most of my shifts so that we weren't on at the same time."

A small frown creased his forehead. "That's not realistic though, is it? You guys are having a baby together and there are doctors' appointments and Lamaze classes to work out."

Exhaling heavily, he stared at the table and ripped the empty sugar packets into tiny shreds. "I know" he said quietly. "I just…not yet." Raising his gaze to meet Eric's, he offered a small shrug. "I wish it was as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall into it."

"Neither are easy" Eric corrected. "And you don't want to fall out of love with Robin, Pantsy – you just don't – that's why you can't."
"Yeah well" he smirked. "The last of the great players is reduced to pile of ashes."

"First of all? You were never as great a player as you think you were and second of all, you ain't ashes."

"Probably not on both counts," he conceded. "The only benefit to any of this that I can see is I'm finally putting some real weight back on"

Eric grinned. "Hitting the heavy bag?"

Patrick nodded as he dragged his hand through his hair. "Yeah – keeps the frustration under control for a little while at least."

The soft buzz of his beeper caught his attention and pulling it from his waist band, Eric quickly glanced at the message. "I have to go" he said apologetically, "it's time."

Patrick smiled with admiration at his friend as he scrambled to his feet. "Good luck Smitty, not that you need it."

"Thanks. Call me though if you need anything, okay?"

"'Kay." Watching as his friend practically bounded from the cafeteria, he slowly rose to his feet and headed back to his office.

*****
As they walked from the car up the lane, Eric felt a tug on his pants and looked down at Josh.

"Can you carry me?" he asked shyly.

"You're tuckered out, aren't you?"

Seeing him nod, Eric bent down and scooped him up in his arms, carrying him up the lane. The little boy wrapped his arms around his neck and rested his head against his shoulder.

Once they got the approval to foster Josh, he and Alexis slowly started integrating him into their lives. He made day trips out to the house, forming a quick bond with Kristina and they encouraged him to pick out the decorations he wanted for his room – a Harry Potter bed spread and glow in the dark stars for the ceiling. He had spoken to Lainey at length about potential pitfalls for all of them and the strongest piece of advice he received was to ensure that all three children got plenty of attention.

He walked through the door with the young boy in his arms and smiled at the large 'Welcome home Josh' sign that Kristina and Molly had made. Both girls ran over to greet him and Josh, finding a second wind, climbed down from Eric's arms and took off with them to play.

Alexis, having watched the scene unfold, walked over to him and slid her arms around his waist, stealing a quick kiss. Eric gazed at her lovingly and nipped her lips. "I love you" he whispered.

Threading her hand through his hair, she tugged his face closer to his and stole a longer kiss.

"Ewww!" Josh commented, looking up from the board game Kristina had laid out.

The young girl just shook her head. "They do it all the time" she told him. "They're very kissy"

"Ya" Molly echoed. "Very kissy."

Blushing slightly, Alexis buried her head against his chest. Eric grinned and brushed his lips against her temple. "I like being very kissy" he told her softly. "But only with you."

"Damn straight" she replied.

Molly ran over to them and tugged on her mother's hand. "Mommy, you hafta come play with us."

Eric jutted his bottom lip out in a small pout. "What about me? You don't want me to play?"

"No" Kristina piped up. "You hafta cook dinner 'cause Mommy doesn't know how."

Both of them burst out laughing as Eric headed to the kitchen muttering something about truth coming from the mouths of babes.

*****
Dinner had been a boisterous affair as Josh, feeling more at ease, started to tell jokes, sending both girls into peals of laughter. After bath time and story time they managed to tuck all three children into bed and Alexis and Eric retreated to their bedroom.

"So far so good" Alexis observed as she slipped into her silk pyjamas.

Pulling on a pair of boxers and a faded Rangers t-shirt, he nodded in agreement. "I think it went as well as it could. Josh was exhausted when I tucked him in."

As he climbed into bed he reached for her and gathered her in his arms. Bringing her head to rest on his chest, she sighed happily. Any reservations she had about the pitfalls of living together had disappeared quickly. She still struggled with her baggage and scars from the past, as did he, but he offered her something neither her ex-husband nor her previous partners could – the chance to be exactly who she was without judgement. He wasn't afraid of all that she came with and by giving her unconditional love and support, he allowed her to do the same – something she wanted to do for a long time but had been unable to.

"You're deep in thought" she observed as she placed a gentle kiss on his chest.

"I was just thinking how good it feels to finally believe in possibilities again" he told her softly. "I don't even mean Josh" he added, "Falling in love with you has just….you've opened up something for me that I was sure was lost for good."

Sliding his finger under her chin he tipped her head up towards him and slowly, languorously closed his mouth over hers in a love-filled kiss. Alexis reluctantly pulled away as she heard the door to their bedroom creak open.

"There are spies among us" she whispered, rolling off of him and sitting up. Looking over at the door they were both surprised to find all three children standing their in their pyjamas.

"What's all this then?" she asked, trying to suppress her smile.

With wide brown eyes, Kristina spoke up. "Josh couldn't sleep and me neither and so we thought we should sleep with you."

"I see and was Molly not sleeping or did you wake her up?"

"I sleeping" Molly answered, tiredly rubbing her eyes.

Alexis turned to Eric who was staring at the three children with a bemused look on his face. "I don't know" she told him teasingly, "this could set a bed precedent"

He turned and looked at her. "I agree."

Grinning, she turned back to the children and pulled back the covers. "But alright, just for tonight."

Kristina squealed and Josh clapped as they sprinted for the bed. Molly trudged, trailing her doll behind her and held her arms up for her mother to pick her up. All three of them burrowed under the covers between Alexis and Eric and giggled at their triumph. Reaching for the nightstand, he turned off the light and smiled at Alexis. She blew him a kiss before settling down on the other side of three children.

Eric sighed happily as he pulled up the covers. It was as complete a moment as he had ever experienced.

****
Patrick shuffled along the hall, heading towards his office. Still limited to exams and consultations, he was dying to get back in an OR. The last results of his hand still showed a minute tremor – almost unnoticeable to anyone other than a surgeon. He continued to work every exercise his physiotherapist had given him in an effort to steady his hand. He was still convinced it was only a matter of time.

The OR was home to him. It was the one area of his life that, no matter what, he was absolutely sure of what he was doing. He understood it – the expectations, the requirements – everything; there was no room for ambiguity and that fortified him in a way nothing else could. It had been his refuge when his father had disappeared and he wished it could his refuge now.

He was almost past the Nurses Station when he heard it – a familiar laugh echoing across the open space and it brought him to a dead stop. Turning slowly, he saw her sitting on the couch with Brenda, her head tossed back and her smile wide as she laughed. It warmed him and crushed him all at once. He wanted to stalk over to her, grab her by the shoulders and kiss her until neither of them could breathe but that was no solution to anything. Their problem wasn't love or desire, it was the past – hers, his and theirs – and he was blind to what the solution might be.

Unable to tear himself away, drinking her in for just a little longer, he was startled when her eyes met his. Looking away quickly, he turned on his heel and disappeared down the hallway.

He was barely inside his office when he heard a soft rap at the door. His heart knew exactly who it was and for a brief moment, he considered pretending he wasn't there. The realization that he had not locked the door and that she could just walk in dissuaded him of his first thought. Leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling, he swallowed down a groan.

"It's open" he called out flatly.

Robin pushed the door and stood in the entrance, not quite sure if she was welcome inside.

"Hey" she greeted him nervously.

The look on his face when their eyes had met had almost shattered her heart and as she saw him disappear around the corner she had, without thinking, run after him. But now, face to face with him for the first time in nearly two weeks, her nerve was failing.

"Hey" he echoed, finally meeting her eyes.

"How are you?" she asked tentatively.

"Fine"

Her brow furrowed slightly as she looked at him. His lab coat seemed more filled out than it had been and his face was a little fuller than she remembered. Not that she had expected him to go into decline but she was surprised to see him looking healthier.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, uncomfortable under her watchful gaze. "Baby okay?"

She smiled as she pressed her hand to her stomach. "We're both feeling fine."

"Glad to hear it."

"Brenda came for a visit" she prattled on, not wanting the moment strained as it might be, to end.

"So I see. Look, Robin – is there something you need?" His face was stony and impassive as he looked at her.

She smiled ruefully thinking all she needed was him, if only she hadn't pushed him away. "Do you…do you hate me?"

Softening just a little, he shook his head and mouthed the word 'no'. "I could never hate you" he told her hoarsely, "I love you."

Hearing those words again made her tremble. The temptation to tell him everything she was doing to slay her dragons was overwhelming but both Brenda and Lainey had warned her against offering a promise to him when she had no idea of how long it would take her to deliver on it.

"I'm just not the man you need," he added softly.

Stepping further inside the office, she gazed at him intently. "Yes you are. You are exactly who I need – it's just….it's me – it's my crap that's in our way. I want you to-"

Holding up his hand, he interrupted her. "Look Robin, I know we have a lot to work out around the baby and everything but I don't….I can't….I can't be that guy right now. I can't be the one to reassure you that everything is going to be okay because I'm not convinced it is."

Her eyes pricked with tears that she refused to let fall. "I am so sorry I hurt you."

"Right back at you" he told her softly. "But for two people who love each other as much as we do, we seem to do a good job on hurting each other too."

"It's not insurmountable" she blurted.

"It sure feels like it is." He held her gaze for several moments before looking away.

She was tempted to push the conversation further, to open it up more but seeing the rigid line of his jaw and how the muscle pulsed tightly in his cheek, she understood that she had pushed as far as she could for now.

"I..uh..my next appointment with Kelly is two weeks from tomorrow – at 10. It's another ultrasound. You'll….you'll be there won't you?"

Looking back at her he nodded. "I wouldn't miss it," he whispered.

"Okay" she nodded sadly, "I'll….I'll send you an email to remind you." Pulling open the door, she glanced over her shoulder and smiled wistfully. She was more resolved than ever to get them back on track.

As the door closed behind her Patrick put his elbows on the table and cradled his head in his hands.