Chapter 171

All I really want to do is hide out with you

Sitting on the exam table, Robin nervously glanced at her watch. The minutes of her appointment were ticking by and there was no sign of him. He wouldn't miss this appointment – he had promised her he would be there and Patrick wasn't a person to promise what he couldn't deliver.

She didn't actually need him for the appointment; she had already reviewed her meds and viral load with Kelly, all that was left was the ultrasound. It wasn't crucial for him to be there. Except it was.

At three months along they were going to be able to not only see their child, bigger than the last time but hear the heartbeat. She wanted to share that with him – she wanted that moment with him. After the last ultrasound he had taken her home and they had made love in languid celebration and while she was under no illusions that would be the conclusion to today's appointment, she at least wanted the share the moment.

Kelly smiled sympathetically at her friend. "I've had him paged. We can give him another couple of minutes but then I really am going to have to go ahead."

She nodded sadly. "I know – I appreciate you waiting."

Exhaling slowly as her legs swung from the table, she kept her eyes glued to the door. Maybe she had underestimated or misunderstood where his head was at? Maybe the kiss on the porch was a goodbye kiss but she was in too much denial to realize it? As her bottom lip quivered, she bit down on it to steady it.

Peeking a look at the clock, Kelly cleared her throat. "Robin, I'm sorry but we really have to start."

With a small sigh of defeat, she laid back on the table and pulled her shirt up to reveal her still flat stomach. She winced slightly as the cold gel sent a shiver through her and stole one final, disappointed look at the door before turning her attention to the screen.

As Kelly moved the Doppler over her stomach, the door to the exam room flew open and Patrick skidded through, breathless.

"So….so sorry I'm late," he panted. "Did I miss it?"

Tears stung sharply at her eyes as he pulled up a chair to the side of the exam table. "I wasn't sure…" She allowed her voice to trail off and quickly looked back at the screen.

"I was caught up with a p-patient" he told her softly. "It was all I could to not shove him out of the exam room," he smiled, his dimple flashing. He waited for her to look at him again before continuing. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Kelly grinned at the tentativeness between them. It was obvious to even the most casual observer that they wanted to be together; their bodies instinctively turned towards one another and there was more said non-verbally than there ever was out loud. Even knowing their issues she had little doubt that they were going to be back together.

"Are you guys ready?"

"Hell yeah" Patrick replied enthusiastically. It was the most excitement he had exhibited about anything in quite some time; a reaction that did not go unnoticed by Robin.

"Okay, so today we'll be able to better see the baby – depending on the angle we might even be able to count some fingers and toes and we should hear the heartbeat."

As the Doppler moved around on her stomach, the grainy image came into view followed almost immediately by the sound of the heartbeat. Its rapid fire beat sounded almost like a horse galloping along at full speed.

Robin's mouth parted slightly and she swallowed thickly as Kelly pointed to the tiny fingers on the screen. Unconsciously she reached for Patrick's hand, stopping just short and dropping her hand on to the table. She jerked in surprise when she felt his warm, strong hand closed around hers and give it a small squeeze.

"Look Robin" he whispered. "Look at our baby."

Not trusting herself to look at him, sure she would dissolve into a puddle of tears she kept her eyes glued to the screen.

"Our miracle" she replied quietly.

"Yeah" he agreed, still holding her hand.

"Your little miracle measures three inches," Kelly told them, "which is at the high end of the scale. If they keep growing at this rate, you're going to have a very big baby."

"Terrific" Robin muttered jokingly, "so I really will be passing a watermelon."

"You'll be fine" Patrick reassured her.

Tilting her head to the side, she smiled shyly. "Says the one who doesn't actually have to deliver the baby."

Returning her smile, he gave her hand another squeeze. "Kelly, can we get copies of the picture?"

"Sure" She handed Robin a cloth to wipe the gel from her skin. "I'll print out a few so you can drive all your friends insane with them."

Having cleaned off her stomach, Robin pulled her shirt down and sat up. "Anything else Kel?"

The young doctor shook her head as she presented them each with two copies of the ultrasound image. "No. Everything looks good and is on target. I'd like to see you in six weeks – but you know the drill – any changes in your health before that, come and see me immediately."

"Everything is okay with your viral load?" he asked, letting go of her hand.

Robin met his eyes and nodded. "Everything is fine. I'm tolerating the new meds well and have had very little nausea."

With her hand on the door, Kelly looked back at her friends and smiled. "I'll give you two a few minutes to catch up" she said, slipping out the door. She was tempted to lock it behind her and leave them in there but a full appointment calendar made that an impossibility.

"That's great" Patrick told her. "You're already showing a little" The moment broken, he rose to his feet, moved across the room and leaned against the counter, as though he needed space between them.

Robin's heart sank at the gesture but took a deep breath and looked down at her stomach. "I don't think so, I'm still pretty flat."

With a small smirk, Patrick shook his head. "Not there but your face is a little fuller and your…well…."

His cheeks burned crimson and he was baffled by his newfound shyness about her body. He had never had a moment's hesitation to talk about or touch her body and now he was stammering like a 14 year old boy who just caught sight of his first naked woman.

Robin found his coyness endearing but had to stop herself from bounding from the table and into his arms. There was something incredibly reassuring in him still noticing her body.

"I suppose I should enjoy it" she said, finally speaking, "soon enough I won't be able to see my feet."

"Have you…have you thought about what kind of delivery you want?" he asked, "I mean I know it's early I was just wondering if you-"

"-Natural" she interjected. "I want to deliver naturally. It's been pretty standard practice for a few years now for HIV+ women and I don't want to do a c-section if it isn't necessary."

He nodded. "Are you…I mean…."

Robin spoke at the same time. "I'm hoping you'll….do you want to…"

They both stopped speaking and stared at each other. "What were you saying?" Patrick asked.

"No, no – you go ahead."

"Robin, I cut you off."

"Patrick-"

"Robin for the love of god, would you just finish your sentence?" he snapped in exasperation. It was always the little things they stumbled over, it was always the small things that lay waiting to derail them.

Chastened, she slipped from the exam table and stood up. "I was just going to ask you if you wanted to do Lamaze classes with me" she said quietly.

Frustrated, he ran his hand over his face. He had not wanted to snap at her, he hated being short with her in any way but being near her short circuited his brain. Though he would never be used to being without her, he was managing to get through the day without feeling as though his body had been taken over by Eyore. But then all he had to do was catch a whiff of her perfume or hold her hand and his brain got out of neutral and sped ahead, twisting and turning and leaving him emotionally gasping for a breath.

"I'm sorry" he told her sincerely. "I didn't mean to be so…." He exhaled loudly as his voice trailed off. "I would really like to do Lamaze classes with you."

"Good," Her heart leapt at his answer. "They don't recommend we start until the end of the fifth month but I'll see when the sessions are."

"Okay" The vibration of his pager caught his attention and he scanned the message quickly. "I should probably get going."

Pushing off from the counter, he headed towards the door. He stopped with his hand around the doorknob as she called to him. Turning around, he looked at her expectantly.

She was suddenly frozen in place. She had called out to him because she wasn't ready for him to leave – she didn't want the moment to end but now that she had his attention she wasn't entirely sure what to do with it.

"Robin?"

"Do you want to have dinner with me?" she blurted. "Tonight?"

He shook his head and she felt like she was going to sink to the floor. "I'm working nights" he told her. "And I don't think we're ready – or at least I'm not ready – for a dinner."

"Okay" she rasped, the wind gone from her sails.

"But….we…..we could try coffee" he suggested. "Maybe next week?"

Her head bobbed up and down. Patrick gave her a quick smile and pulled the door open.

"It isn't less intense" she exclaimed suddenly.

"What?"

"It isn't less intense – this heartbreak – even though my heart has been broken before. You said at Alexis' that the first time you experience something was the most intense and it's less later because you've been through it. I just…I just wanted you to know that isn't always true. I've been through it before and this isn't less intense."

Strangely comforted by her revelation, Patrick gazed intently at her. "Thanks" he said hoarsely. "For saying that – I…thanks."

Unsure of his footing if he stayed much longer, he quickly bolted out the door and vanished down the hallway before his heart got hold of his head and he swept her up in his arms and took her home.

Robin stared down at the picture in her hands and smiled. "I'm trying baby. I'm really trying."