Chapter 177

And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him

Standing over the kitchen sink, staring out the window and watching Kristina and Molly happily chasing the bubbles Josh was blowing, Eric rubbed his chest trying to undo the knot that had formed there the minute Alexis has told him the news. He tried to be practical and accept that living with an actual relative would be best for Josh but he didn't really believe it. Selfishly he believed that he was the better choice, he believed that the home life provided by he and Alexis was superior to anything that his aunt would be able to offer but it didn't matter. People still believed biology trumped all regardless of what the evidence showed.

The hearing was scheduled for late morning and while he had explained to Josh what was going on and that there was a very real chance he would be going home with his aunt, he wasn't sure the young boy understood. He seemed almost oblivous to what could happen and Eric found himself envying his denial. He tugged at his tie, feeling as though it was suffocating him; he would give almost anything to avoid the inevitable.

Closing his eyes, he exhaled slowly as Alexis' arms slid around his waist and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. Turning towards her, he tilted her head upwards and kissed her softly.

"You're awfully quiet" she told him as she followed his gaze out the window.

He gave a small shrug. "I'm not sure there is anything to say."

Leaning against the counter she smiled reassuringly. "Look, Josh has bonded with us as a family and he has a strong emotional attachment to you. He is doing well in school and a lot of his behavioural issues seem to be better controlled. The judge could still rule in our favour."

"I don't believe that," he replied simply.

"I'm a very good lawyer," she gently reminded him.

Eric reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it. "I know you are but miracles don't happen every day Alexis." Smiling gamely, he let go of her hand. "I'm going to get Josh changed into his suit - probably best if we aren't late for court."

Watching as he walked out of the kitchen, Alexis exhaled. She knew it was a long shot for them, to come out of the hearing still maintaining custody of Josh but she needed to give it everything she had; she feared there was so much more at stake than just where Josh was going to live.

****
Patrick paced around the apartment, nervous energy coursing through his veins. A glance at the clock told him the hearing had just begun. He had offered to go and provide moral support but Eric had asked him to stay away. He suspected it was because he was sure of the outcome and he didn't want witnesses to his humiliation; it was a feeling he understood well.

He hated what was happening to his friend and the inequity of it all had churned up some dormant feelings inside of him. He was angry - furious even. He was angry at how sick he had been, at what it had cost him, at what it had cost others and he was angry about the state of his relationship with Robin. True, they were slowly working their way back to each other but he found himself unexpectedly enraged that they were having to do so. He knew he had contributed to the how things were but he was still left feeling as though he was being held responsible for so much that was not within his control. And this was not the first time he had been through that.

Hearing a knock at the door, he looked back at the clock; it was too early for it to be Eric. Blowing out his cheeks in an effort to lower his heart rate, he strode to the door and pulled it open. He was surprised to find Robin on the other side.

"Hi" she smiled.

"Hi" he replied flatly.

His eyes seemed darker, almost obsidian in colour and she should have seen the warning in them but she pushed it to the side. "I...I wasn't sure if you'd be at the hearing or not but I thought I'd come and check on you. Can I....can I come in?"

Shrugging, Patrick stepped out of the way and let her across the threshold. He wasn't much in the mood for talking and if he wasn't so caught up in the swirl of emotions circling inside him, he would have told her that. He would have suggested that she come back another day but he just didn't have it in him, not today.

"So you didn't go to the hearing?"

He continued to pace around the apartment, retracing the path he had worn earlier. "Smitty asked me not to. And you know me, I live to do what others ask of me."

She quirked her eyebrow up at his tone but made no comment. "No boxing today?"

"It's not a cureall Robin, just a way to release some tension."

Her spirit deflated slightly as his foul mood permeated the room. They had had a good couple of days after lunch at the Metrocourt - she had gone to see him after his first trip back to the OR and he had swung by her lab with a bag of red licorice after she mentioned it was her new craving. But now, seemingly inexplicably, they seemed to be a few steps back.

"You're upset about Eric," she observed.

Stopping, he turned and looked at her. He slung his hands low on his hips and exhaled slowly. "Well it's no fun to watch someone lose something that matters so much to them. It's actually no fun to lose something that matters to you."

She sat down on the couch and stared at him. "I'm not sure how much of this has to do with Eric and how much has to do with us - do you want to clue me in?"

He started to pace again. The words were burning a hole on his tongue, aching to be said but he didn't quite trust himself to speak. Things change when words are said and it's not possible to unsay them. His heart started to thunder and his breathing shortened; finally unable to swallow it down any further he stood still, folding his arms across his chest and glared at her.

"I think it's ridiculously unfair for you to tell me that you can't trust me. I think that's one of the biggest lines of bullshit I've ever been fed and frankly with a drunk as a father I've been fed a lot of bullshit."

Robin recoiled slightly at his sudden invective. In many ways it was not unexpected but it still took her by surprise. Taking a deep breath she paused for a moment before replying. "You know why I said that," she told him evenly.

"Yes" he snapped. "And I still think it's crap. Yes I left you and I am sorry. But I don't understand how one decision I made in a moment of utter and complete weakness undoes every good thing I've done. I don't understand how you are willing to discount everything about our relationship over that and yet still expect me to be understanding of your reasons for not telling me about your failed protocol or for taking off after you found out you were pregnant. You talked about finding out about my tumour from my best friend - finding out about my child from the garbage wasn't any better."

His cheeks burned angrily and his eyes blazed. He was tired of always being asked to make allowances for other people's baggage - his father's, Robin's, when he was dragging his own behind him.

She winced as though she had been struck. He wasn't wrong but she had never viewed it through that lens. With a shaky breath, Robin got to her feet. "It may not have been fair," she agreed, "but....but those are the scars I bring with me and my trust.....it's not easily given but it is easily withdrawn-"

"What about what I bring with me?" he asked, thumping his chest. "I have...I have watched first my father and then you choose the past over me. Over me. I was not enough for my father to stop drinking," he rasped, "and I'm not enough for you to leave the past behind. I am not perfect but I am here - right here and some day that has just got to matter more than anything else."

The tears stung as they welled in her eyes and she gave them a small swipe. "It does - you do" she told him emphatically. "Why do you think I'm going to Lainey? I want it all with you," she told him tearfully, "and I don't want to be afraid of having it any longer."

"Then forgive me" he demanded.

"What?"

"Forgive me." As the energy bubbled up inside him he began once again to pace. "Since that night at the house we have said a lot of things to each other - we've talked about how much we love each other, what we mean - you've even finally told me that you want a future with me but you have never once told me that you forgive me for leaving."

She bit down on her lip as she struggled to stay in control. "I'm working on it."

"You're...you're working on it? You're working on it? Is what I've done really that unforgivable?"

"No." Tears started to trickle down her face as she answered. She wanted to forgive him and didn't understand why it didn't come easily.

"And really, do you really believe that I would leave you again? I was broken Robin - I was broken and scared for my life and I wasn't thinking straight."

"I know" she said as she walked towards him. She stopped where she stood as he took several steps back. "It isn't fair of me but I....it doesn't change how that made me feel."

"And what about how I felt?" he shot back. "What about me when I found you in the shower covered in spots or in the Hamptons hiding out because you discovered you were pregnant? Do you have any idea what it feels like trying to keep up with someone who keeps trying to run away?"

"Yeah I do" she answered sharply. "It's what I've been doing with you."

"Terrific" he snarked. "So we're even."

"It's not a competition," she remarked quietly, moving back to the couch. "I was wrong to have hidden the changes in my health from you - I did it when you were in the hospital and I did it when were in the Hamptons and when we got home. I was wrong and I am very sorry." Taking a serrated breath, she wrung her hands together as she spoke. "Are you....are you having second thoughts about us being a family?"

It was one of the most difficult questions she had ever asked but she needed to know if they had gone past the point of no return. His anger seeped from him and she worried that their issues might finally be bigger than their love.

He shook his head. "I think it would be easier if I was" he sighed. "But I'm not. I know what I want - I want to be your husband and I want us to raise our child together but I don't know how to get there from here."

Robin smoothed down her hair and took a deep breath. "I thought we had taken some really good steps towards each other. I thought....the last time we talked here and when you came to find me at lunch....I thought we were getting somewhere. I'm not....I'm not saying you're wrong to be angry but can you tell me what brought this on?"

He scoffed slightly as he rose to his feet again. He was incapable of sitting still and felt like he could breathe if he was in motion. "My best....my best friend is in a courtroom right now listening to a judge tell him that despite his best intentions, despite everything he has to offer, he's not enough. And I was just reminded of all the times I've felt like that - the most recent being that night at the house."

Tiredly, Robin rubbed her hands over her face. Blinded by her own painful memories of the past she had not realized how deeply her actions had hurt him and the understanding she now had of it left her nearly breathless.

"What can I do?"

"I need you to forgive me" he replied quickly and directly. "I need you to tell me that I'm forgiven."

"I hurt you" she reminded him. "I confirmed some of your largest fears. Are you saying that you've forgiven me?"

"Yes" he replied simply.

"How?"

He shrugged, jamming his hands into his pockets. "I just did. Because a future with you is more important to me than anything in my past. It doesn't mean I'm not mad, it just means it's not bigger than you. But until you can do the same where I'm concerned, I'm not sure we have any more steps to take."

Robin gasped. "Patrick-"

Interrupted by the shrill ring of the telephone cutting through the tension, both of them jumped. Patrick crossed the room, picking up the phone.

"Hello?" He listened intently to the caller.

Robin watched him closely. His brow was knit together and a pained expression was etched on his face. She marveled at how easily he had forgiven her when she was having difficulty doing the same. He was right, it was impossible for them to move any further until they - she - dealt with the issue blocking their way. The ball was now squarely in her court and their future rested on her shoulders.

Hanging up the phone, he turned to look at her. "The judge has ruled against them. Josh will given to his aunt tomorrow."

"I'm very sorry" she told him. "For Josh, for Eric.....for everything."

He nodded. "Yeah. Me too."