Chapter 179

The scars we carry remain but the pain slips away it seems

Robin paced around her apartment, absently rubbing her belly. Having returned home from dropping Brenda at the airport she was now trying to untangle the thoughts snarled in her head.

Her best friend had left her with a question to ponder – why was she capable of forgiving everyone in her life except for Patrick? She had reminded her that if Robin were to list the most egregious ways she had been disappointed by both friends and family, realistically Patrick wouldn't even make the list. Her parting advice to her was to let go and take the leap because she was more convinced than ever that Patrick was worth it and more importantly she was worth it.

It was the beauty of best friends, they could push you to see truths that you didn't want to or couldn't realize but always did it from a place of love. Brenda had never pushed her in the direction of any man before; she had encouraged her to date and nudged her to put herself out there but she had never come right out and told her that any of them was the right one for her – until now.

Walking to her bookshelf, she pulled down one of her large photo albums, stuffed to bursting with pictures and memories. Settling down on the floor, leaning against the couch, she began to flip through it.

There were pictures of her with her parents – precious reminders of family life she had only for a short time. She cringed slightly at the high school photos, wondering how she could have ever considered her wardrobe back then to be stylish. She paused over a series of photos with Stone. They were taken just after they had started dating and long before either of them knew the tragic twist their lives would take. Tracing her finger over her face, she looked enviously at the young girl laughing; she had a look of freedom and joy on her face. There was a lightness to her that she had not experienced since….or at least until she fell for Patrick. Continuing to flip through the pages with more images from her past dancing before her, Brenda's question echoed loudly in her ears. Why was she incapable of forgiving Patrick?

A picture from the Nurses' Ball – with her sitting between Sonny and Jason – jarred her. Both men, who had sworn they loved her, had thrown her from their lives. The price of being true to herself was her friends – her support system in many ways. And yet after enough time had passed, she did forgive them – as they forgave her, she supposed. She had even returned to Port Charles to try and save Jason when Brenda and Mac had both told her to leave it be and let someone else take care of it. But she couldn't and in the end her return paid off in ways she had not imagined as it lead her to Patrick.

It was clear to her that she was holding Patrick to a standard that no one else in her life was expected to meet. Hell, she was holding him to a standard that she couldn't even meet. She was expecting him to be perfect when perfection was an illusion. And who knew that better than she did?

Pushing the photo album away, she climbed on the couch and stretched out. Sweeping her hand across her stomach, she closed her eyes and sighed quietly. Patrick had been perfectly clear any chance at a future was with her. It had been a lot of work for her to admit that she really wanted the future with him – that she deserved the future with him. Now she needed to figure out why she could not offer to him what she had so freely given to so many others.

Lying there she was reminded of a conversation they had shared just after he had moved in. They had been playing hide and seek in the apartment when he had been struck by one of the blinding headaches that had been a hallmark of his tumour. She had guided him to the couch, got him an ice pack and slipped in behind him, wrapping her arms around him. He had been talking about his parents' marriage and how a love like that was not sustainable because failure was inevitable.

"Why are you so afraid of failure?"

He curled his fingers through hers and brought the palm of her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "Because the cost of failure is so high. My father failed and I lost everything. I could never do to another person what he did to me."

"So it's easier to keep people at a distance?" she prodded.

He gave a small shrug as he continued to play with her fingers. "Easier, no. But safer, maybe." Turning his head, he looked at her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Why aren't you afraid of failure?"

"Because I have failed. Multiple times. Patrick I've failed as much as one person can and I've lived to tell the tale. Without great risk, there is no great reward and I would rather fall on my face having tried to reach for the stars than sit comfortably and never made an effort."

"I might...I might need you to teach me how to do that" he whispered.

As though struck by a thunderbolt, her eyes flew open and she sat up. She had not been completely honest with him in that conversation – or with herself for that matter. It was true, she was not afraid of failure; she was not afraid of her own failure. Life as a researcher meant that you had to fail multiple times before you experienced success. But she was afraid of other people's failure. That was the scar left by Jason and Sonny, by her parents and even by Stone.

That was the tricky thing about scars – they usually faded but it was easy to hang on to the memory of the pain that caused them. Unconsciously she had put herself in a position, not unlike Patrick's, where she kept people at a relative distance. There had been no relationships of significance since Jason and that meant that she no longer had to worry about someone else failing her – about another person falling short of the promises they had made to her.

But now she could see how unrealistic that position was. Failure was a part of the human condition – an argument could be made even that it was a necessary part of the human condition and a key to allowing people to be better. And if you didn't allow the people in your life to disappoint you then how would they ever grow? If you continually reminded them of the mess that they made then you allowed that to be their defining moment and ended all possibility of an opportunity for more.

That was exactly what Patrick had accused her of doing. He told her that he did not accept that a moment of weakness on his part was enough to undo all the good things he had brought to the relationship.

Sighing, she rubbed her hand across her mouth. He was right. He loved her, cherished her and supported her and that was worth far more than the pain of his leaving. Unlike some of the other people in her life, he had allowed her to make mistakes and yet she seemingly could not do the same for him. She was baffled by her own behaviour.

"I don't know baby" she said, patting her stomach, "but I don't think your mom has been very fair to your daddy. How do we fix it?"

Robin knew that it was much more than just telling him that she forgave him; she needed to be able to assure him and herself in the end that the next mistake – because there would be another – would not unravel their relationship. She needed to trust him in a way that she not trusted anyone in a long time. That was easier said than done but she did at least understand now that her hesitancy in fully trusting him really wasn't about his actions but about her fears.

"I am not perfect but I am here - right here and some day that has just got to matter more than anything else."

He wasn't perfect and neither was she and any expectation that either would be spelled certain downfall for their relationship. He had not caused the scars of the past and she could not make him responsible for them any more than he could hold her responsible for the baggage he carried with him.

She had always talked about living in the present and now it was time for her to put her money where her mouth was. All she needed was a little more help, a little more guidance and then she would be ready.