Chapter 180

It's going to take some time, this time

Hearing a knock on her door, Robin looked up from her slides and did a double take as she saw Darren filling her doorway. Normally rosy-cheeked and high spirited, she was surprised to see him looking pale and drawn.

"Darren, hi!" She waved him in.

He smiled tiredly and stepped inside the lab. As Robin cast a quick glance over him, her eyes fell on the bracelet around his wrist and her heart sank just a little.

"When were you admitted?" she asked.

"Yesterday," he replied. "I was on my way to the caf to get some jello and was wondering if you had a couple of minutes?"

Smiling, she nodded. He had been a source of support for her even when she didn't think she needed it and now she had an opportunity to return the favour. Hooking her arm through his, they walked out of the lab.

His pace was slow and she was somewhat disheartened to see how weak he really was. It had only been a couple of weeks since she had seen him and it was a shock to see such a sudden change in him. They made idle chit chat as they walked to the cafeteria. Once inside, she insisted he sit down, promising to return with jello for him and juice for her.

"I can't believe you're going to eat that stuff" she teased as she pushed the bowl of green jello towards him.

"It's about the only thing I can eat" he replied, spearing one of the jiggling squares with his spoon. "You look great," he told her appreciatively. "Pregnancy really suits you."

"Thanks. You don't actually look that great – want to tell me what's up?"

Smiling ruefully, he shrugged. "My protocol failed about a month ago-"

"You never said" she gasped.

"Honestly? I didn't think it was that big a deal at the time. It's the third time I've been through it and at first I seemed to be tolerating the new drugs well but now not so much."

"Have they tried another combination?"

He nodded, a small grimace on his face. "We're on combination number four," he told her quietly. "Viral load continues to climb, t-cells continue to plummet and I've got fluid in my lungs."

"Oh Darren," she sighed. "I am so sorry."

"Me too," he sighed. "I know they're going to find the right combination, it's just kind of hell on wheels until they do."

"How's Melinda coping with it?"

"She's trying to put on a brave face but I know….I know it's killing her."

Robin nodded in agreement. It was so easy to lose sight of how the disease affected others when you were the one fighting the battle but Patrick's admission about how he lived with HIV too had jarred her and reminded her that not being able to do anything can be as difficult as living through something.

"It's not easy to watch someone you love being sick" she said quietly, thinking of Patrick in the hospital and how helpless she had felt.

"Can I ask you something?" he began, "if it's too personal just tell me."

"Ask and I'll let you know if it's too personal."

Darren scooped another piece of jello into his mouth as he tried to formulate the question. "Is there…is there something you do for Patrick to make it better for him? I guess what I mean is when your protocol changed, how did you help him through it? I really….I want to take some of Melinda's fear away but I don't know how."

Her mouth twitched up into a sad smile. "I'm not sure I'm the person to ask"

"Oh," His face fell just a little. "I didn't mean to offend-"

Raising her hand, Robin interrupted him. "No – that isn't what I meant. It's a valid question I just don't think my behaviour is anything you should use as an example. I…I actually kept a secret from for a while and when he found out he was really upset. After we got past that, he was amazing." Her eyes shone brightly as she thought back to those hours spent wrapped in blankets on the bathroom floor or in bed watching dvds; he had not left her side.

"Truthfully Darren," she continued, "I don't think there is anything that will make it easier for Melinda or for Patrick. I kind of lost sight of that recently. I know when Patrick was sick I….clinically I understood everything that was happening to him and even with all that knowledge I felt like it was so much outside of my control. And I've…recently he's confided that he feels the same way about my HIV."

"I was afraid that was your answer" he smiled weakly.

Robin pulled her hair from her face and tied it in a low ponytail. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately," she said, "and I'm beginning to realize that may not actually be a bad answer. It may not actually be a bad thing that it can't be made easier. I think if someone is willing to stick with you through the bad – the really bad – then you are very lucky to have them in your life."

As clear as a picture, a hundred images replayed in her mind of her and Patrick supporting each other when it would have been easier to walk away; when people would have understood walking away. It was no accident that he was in her life or she in his and through all the tests and hell fires they had been through, their love for each other was stronger; it was the mechanics that were tripping them up.

Leaning back in his chair, Darren sighed quietly. "That actually made sense."

"It did?" she asked in shock.

Cocking his head to the side, he gave her a curious look. "Shouldn't it?"

Smiling shyly, she shrugged. "I'm sorting through some stuff in my head and I think I have a lot of it straight but the true test is me being able to articulate it to others."

"To others or to Patrick?"

Chuckling softly, she nodded. "Yeah."

*****
"You did well in there," Noah said, pulling the cap from his head and tossing it in the bin.

Patrick flushed under his father's compliment as he pulled off his scrub top and put on a fresh one. "It feels really good to be back in there."

It was his third surgery assisting his father and with each one, his confidence grew and glimpses of the once cocky surgeon started to appear. The OR was the place, the one place, where he could be singularly focused. There was no room for other thoughts, other worries or concerns. It was also the one place where he knew exactly what he was doing. There was no second guessing, no doubting whether he was making the right choice. The OR was home for him in so many ways.

"You're almost ready to ride solo" he told him as he shrugged on his lab coat.

Patrick smiled. "Almost" he agreed, "but a little more practice under my belt would not be a bad thing."

Noah grinned proudly at his son. Having his son donate a part of his liver so he could survive had been a gift of unending proportions but the real gift – the one that even exceeded that – was the chance to see his son truly become a man. He considered himself beyond fortunate to watch as his son embraced both love and family and fulfill the potential that he and Mattie always believed he had.

"We make a pretty good team" he remarked.

Closing his locker, Patrick turned and looked at his father. "Yeah, we do."

"Let me buy you a coffee before we tackle the post-op notes?"

"Sounds good to me."

The two men walked to the cafeteria and Patrick couldn't help but feel grateful for the ease in their relationship after so many years of heartache.

As Noah filled his mug, he looked over at his son. "I suppose I shouldn't ask but I'm a nosy father. How are things with Robin?"

"We felt the baby kick" he smiled happily. "It was an awesome feeling!"

"That's great Patty. Truly amazing. But uh," he continued tentatively, "that doesn't quite answer how things are with Robin."

Sighing, Patrick rubbed one of the knots from the back of his neck as they walked towards the cash. "We're trying, I think" he answered uneasily. "It feels a little like whack-a-mole"

Unsuccessfully stifling his laughter, Noah shook his head. "I'm an old man, you're going to have to explain that."

Patrick smirked. "It just seems that every time we get one issue kind of under control, another one pops up. I just want to whack all the issues into submission and get on with it."

"With what?" he asked innocently.

"With marrying the woman I love"

Noah grinned. There was something enormously satisfying in hearing his son talk about getting married. For him, after being absent for so many years, there was comfort to be found in knowing that despite everything, his son still managed to open his heart enough to fall in love with an amazing woman.

Patrick came to a dead stop as they exited the cash area. Standing beside him, Noah followed his gaze and saw Robin sitting with a young man, clearly involved in an intense conversation. Looking over at his son, his saw the red tinge to his cheeks and the angry splotches on his neck.

"Let's go say hello" he said.

Patrick put his arm on his shoulder and pulled him back. "Dad, no!"

Shrugging him off, Noah kept walking in the direction of the table. "I haven't seen Robin in a few weeks, it would be just rude not to say hello."

Grumbling to himself Patrick reluctantly followed behind.

Almost as though she sensed him, Robin looked over and saw Noah and Patrick approaching. Pushing back her chair she got to her feet. "Noah,"

The older doctor wrapped her in a warm embrace. "You look amazing" he said. "The most beautiful pregnant woman I have seen in quite some time."

She blushed furiously at the compliment, raising her eyes to meet Patrick's. It had been a few days since they felt the baby kick and he had, true to his word, made no further effort to reach out to her. She was going to need to work to convince him, she knew that and she was ready for it.

Patrick dropped his eyes and looked over to Darren. "David," he acknowledged.

Darren smiled and gave a small shake of his head. "It's Darren" he reminded him.

Noah extended his hand to the young man. "Noah Drake," he introduced himself.

"Nice to meet you."

Patrick continued to glower. His jealousy of Darren was irrational – he was well aware of it. He trusted Robin implicitly and had no concerns about her taking up with him but every once in a while he was left feeling as though Darren was getting a part of her that he wasn't and he didn't like it. He knew about the value of support groups and understood the role Robin and Darren played in each other's lives but as someone with few close friends, he had difficulty sharing.

"Darren was admitted yesterday" Robin offered, seeing the thunderous expression on Patrick's face. "They're having trouble finding the right meds combination."

Almost immediately Patrick's expression changed for he knew that there but for the grace of god or the universe went Robin.

"Darren, I'm really sorry to hear that," he told him sincerely.

He smiled appreciatively. "Thanks. I was just telling Robin that I'm confident we'll find the right combo, it's just being a guinea pig in the process that sucks."

"And I was telling him how lucky I was to have you and your support when I was adjusting to new meds" she added softly.

A small, shy smile formed on his mouth as he met her eyes. "We've been lucky to have each other."

Darren slowly pushed back his chair and got unsteadily to his feet. "I should get back to my room. Lord knows there must be more blood for them to draw or something."

Patrick nodded. "We have to get back and finish up post-op notes."

"Darren, I'll take you to your room" Robin offered before turning her attention to Patrick. "Maybe…maybe we could have coffee this week?"

"I'd like that" he answered quietly. "Let me know."

As he moved past her, he extended his hand and swept it across her belly. Robin placed her hand on top of his and he gave it a small squeeze in return. Darren's news had been like a reality check in some ways and they both felt the need to connect, even if only for just a moment, to remind each other that whatever they were going through, however long it took, it was worth it.