Chapter 181

In our secret world we were colliding
In all the places we were hiding love

Alexis stood in the door and watched him. Bent over his desk, his head supported by his hand as he read through the chart in front of him; he was squinting and she couldn't tell if it was from reading intently or he had a headache.

"You look familiar," she said lightly as she crossed the threshold. "Have we met before?"

It had been almost two weeks since Josh had left their house and in the intervening days she had seen little of her boyfriend. Their schedules seemed to be out of synch and the number of shifts he was working seemed to be increasing daily.

Rubbing the fatigue from his eyes, Eric sat up and smiled. "Hey,"

Walking to him she gently sat down in his lap and draped her arm along his broad shoulders. Dipping her head, she kissed him softly.

"So I was thinking that we could go for lunch and then I could go with you to see Josh at his dialysis appointment."

The hurt that flashed through his eyes did not go unnoticed by Alexis. He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry Alexis but I'm assisting on a surgery later – unfortunately I don't have time for lunch and I won't be able to see Josh today."

His inability to completely look her in the eye unsettled her. "It's not like you to miss out on a visit with him," she remarked. She felt his body coil underneath her in response.

"Well I'm assisting on a surgery and I don't have a lot of options," he snapped.

Shaking her head, she got to her feet. "Don't snap at me," she said calmly. "I don't deserve it."

Blowing out his cheeks he leaned back in his chair and finally met her gaze. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm just…I'm really tired."

Alexis perched herself on the edge of the desk. "I bet you are. You haven't been home more than a few hours at a time – just long enough to sleep and change your clothes. You've been working a lot." The accusation was clear in her tone.

"It's been very busy," he offered by way of explanation.

"I'm sure it has." She was tempted to call him out, kindly, on trying to lose himself in his work but she knew that he was struggling and wanted to be a source of support rather than another element for him to manage.

Sucking in a breath, Eric wiped at his eye. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," she said, leaning forward and pulling his chair towards her. "Eric, I love you and I want to help…I just….you need to tell me what you need."

Rising to his feet, he grabbed the chart from the desk. "I….I'm fine….I have to get to pre-op."

As he moved to walk past her she took hold of his hand and tugged him back to her. "Hey" she said softly.

Eric set the chart down and cupped her face with both hands. He fastened his mouth over hers in a long, languid kiss. "I love you too" he whispered. "I'll see you later."

Alexis watched, dumbfounded, as he picked up the chart and quickly exited his office. Was it even possible to reach someone who wasn't interested in being reached? Grabbing her purse she headed down to the Dialysis unit to spend some time with Josh. She had picked up a new game for his Playstation and was looking forward to giving it to him.

Having barely stepped off the elevator, she was surprised to be confronted by Lucie. The woman appeared agitated and angry as she approached her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked perfunctorily.

Taken aback, Alexis frowned. "I'm here to see Josh. Is there a problem?"

With an exaggerated sigh, the woman folded her arms across her chest. "It's as I told Doctor Smitherman earlier this week, I do not want either of you visiting him here – it only upsets him and he spends most of the night crying after I get him home. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get him to calm down?"

"You told Eric he's not allowed to visit Josh?"

"Did I not just say that?"

Alexis bit down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep from snapping at the woman. "And how does Josh feel about having the only adult he really trusts ripped from his life?"

"I am his guardian and I will be the adult he trusts. It is too confusing for him to have you involved. While I appreciate the efforts you made to foster him, he is with family now and that is how it will be. If you aren't willing to abide by my wishes then I will get a court order."

Non-plussed, she simply arched her eyebrow. "I don't believe there is any need to threaten legal action, though I have no problems facing off in court if that's what it comes to. I don't think you're acting in Josh's interests here and I will be raising it with the social worker."

"Don't threaten me" she hissed.

"Who's threatening?" Alexis asked breezily. "Surely, if you believe you're doing the right thing then you would have no worries with it being brought to the attention of the social worker." Smiling knowingly, she turned and pressed the elevator button. "Have a great day Lucie."

As soon as the elevator doors shut, Alexis' knees trembled as she fell back against the railing. She had been blindsided by the news and felt almost betrayed that Eric had not shared it with her. While she understood that grief could make a person very insular, she had not expected for him to exclude her so completely. As the doors opened again, she hit the speed dial button and placed an SOS call to a friend.

*****
Her legs bounced up and down nervously as she waited. She had worked very hard to be open and willing to accept that history does not always repeat itself but the day had trudged up some old memories, leaving her feeling a little off balanced. She gave a small wave as Robin came through the cafeteria doors.

The young doctor smiled as she slid into the seat across from her and gratefully accepted the bottle of juice from her. Giving her a cursory glance as she twisted off the top, Robin dove in.

"You look really upset, what's going on?"

Alexis started to absently break off small pieces from the rim of the Styrofoam cup. "I…I feel like I'm losing Eric and I don't know what to do" she blurted.

Robin's eyes widened. "Oh Alexis, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

She shook her head. "Losing Josh has….it's devastated him. In the first few days after we lost custody, everything seemed fine – well not fine – but we were talking. He was confiding in me and I thought we were getting through it together."

"And now?"

"And now it feels like I'm a stranger in his life. He's been working non-stop for almost two weeks and I just went down to visit Josh and his aunt told me that we were no longer welcome to visit him and that she had told Eric the other day."

"So you feel like he's keeping secrets from you?"

She continued to peel at the rim. "I almost wish he was keeping secrets. I feel like he's cutting me out of his life. I tried to get him to go for lunch today but he said he had a surgery."

"Losing himself in his work?" she prompted.

Alexis nodded. "And I think losing us. I mean…he doesn't even….he doesn't touch me anymore."

Robin raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You mean sex?"

She shook her head in response. "Though there's been little of that. No, I mean….he has a way of always been in arm's reach. It's rare for us to be in the same room and not touch in some way and now…it's like he's going out of his way not to touch me. I think….I think he might blame me for losing the court case."

"Really? Alexis I think he knew going in the chances of you guys winning was very small. I don't think he blames you – it sounds to me like he's just in a lot of pain and that's making it hard for him to function."

"But he can function at work?" she queried.

A small, knowing smile crossed her face. "Surgeons are a special breed and every one that I know would rather be inside an OR than out when shit is hitting the fan. It's like a hurricane proof house for them."

"What do I do?" she sighed. "I don't want to lose him."

Robin thought back to all the moments were Patrick had supported her – after April's death, as she came to terms with some of her dormant feelings, the change in her protocol, finding out she was pregnant. And then she thought of the support she had provided him – after his HIV exposure, during treatment for his tumour. There was a consistent theme that had run through it all.

"Time and space" she finally answered.

"Great," Alexis snorted, "two things I'm terrible at."

Robin smiled at her friend as she leaned forward on the table. "Do you trust him?"

"I do," she replied, nodding vigorously.

"Then trust that he's going to work through this. Remind him that you love him and while you don't have let him get away with crap," she said, thinking back to how Patrick pushed her to take action but then left it to her to choose the action. "You do have to let him figure out how to solve it."

"It sounds simpler than it is, I think."

Robin's gaze was draw away from her friend as she spotted Patrick coming through the cafeteria line balancing a carton of chocolate milk and a cupcake in one hand and his wallet in the other.

Turning in her seat, Alexis followed her gaze and looked back at her friend who was beaming after Patrick waved to her. Piling all her broken pieces of Styrofoam into what was left of the cup and stood up.

Robin looked at her in surprise. "Where are you going?"

Smiling kindly Alexis reached for her purse. "I have to get going and you should ask him to have coffee with you."

"Alexis you don't have to-"

"I do," she interrupted. "I need to think some things through."

"You aren't leaving on my account are you?" Patrick asked, sidling up to the table.

"Not at all. I just came for some advice and now that I have it, I'll be on my way to see what I can do about it." She touched his shoulder. "Good to see you."

Patrick watched as she bolted from the cafeteria and looked at Robin. "That was awkward."

"Things with Eric are a little…..rocky," she offered. "Do you….do you want to sit?"

Nodding, he claimed Alexis' recently vacated chair and set his milk on the table. "Do you want half of my cupcake?" he asked.

"No," she replied with shy smile. "I want all of it but I'll settle for half."

Laughing, Patrick split the pastry in two and passed half of it to her. "Do you want to tell me what's going on with Alexis and Eric?"

Robin shook her head. "Not really but I think….I think you might want to check in with him."

A single knowing nod was his response. "I…..I bought a baby names book last night," he admitted, his cheeks burning hotly as he did so.

Inexplicably, Robin felt her eyes prick with tears. "You did?"

"We've only got four months to go" he reminded her. "And I don't think 'baby' is going to work as a name for long. Have you….have you given any thought to names?"

"Are you kidding?," she grinned. "I keep making lists."

Patrick smiled. In moments like this when they didn't venture to close to the centre of their relationship, there was nothing to trip them up and it was difficult for him to remember why they were apart but inevitably a reminder would poke its head out. He wanted to ask if she had figured out how to forgive him or at least determine that he was worthy of it but he didn't raise it. He had done all he could to explain how important it was to him and he was determined to wait for her to make the next move.

"Anything on the list you'd like to share?" he queried.

"Well," she began, playing with the plastic tab around the bottle neck. "I'm hoping you aren't harbouring desires to name our baby after a family member because I'd really like for our child to have a name that belongs to them."

"I agree. Hey – we haven't talked about it but do you want to know the sex before it's born?"

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she gave a small shrug. "Actually, I'd like to be surprised – if….if you're okay with that?"

She hated the tentativeness to their conversation as though they were each feeling the other out. Lainey had given her some very intense homework and she was working through it as fast as she could so that she would finally be able to tell him what he needed to hear – what she needed to say out loud for herself as much as for him. It dangled on the tip of her tongue, begging to be told but she wasn't even sure he would believe her. Ultimately she figured it would be better to say nothing about getting to the point and save all her words for when she was actually there.

"I am" he agreed. "It'll be nice to be surprised." He took a drink of his milk. "And, um, I mean no offense but can we also put the kibosh on Brenda or Brendan as options?"

Giggling, Robin nodded. "Agreed."

Taking a deep breath, Patrick leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "So, listen….we…I think….I think maybe it's time that we talk about a custody agreement."

Robin choked on a piece of cupcake. "P-pardon?"

"Robin," he started gently.

She shook her head. "We do not need a custody agreement."

"Robin," he insisted, "we….we have no legal definition to our relationship, I don't have your power of attorney for medical decisions and there are no instructions about what should happen with our baby."

Her heart crashed loudly against her ribs as she listened to him speak. It was not a conversation she wanted to have; there was something about it that sounded like giving up, it sounded like he was preparing to co-exist with her as a parent and not a lover. And while she understood how he got to that point, she wasn't ready for it.

"Do you….do you want my medical proxy?" she asked.

"Who has it?" he countered.

"Mac."

Patrick nodded. "It should be with someone you trust." The words sliced at her. "I'm not asking you for it but with less than four months to go, I just think some clarity would be good."

"Can you give me a week?"

"Pardon?"

"Can you give me a week?" she repeated, "and then we can have this conversation again."

He gave her a curious look and shrugged. Picking up the milk carton, he drained it. "Of course I can."

"Okay," she nodded urgently. "A week – and we can have this discussion and talk baby names – I promise."

Smiling ruefully, he pushed his chair back and stood up. "I…I have to get back to charting. I'll….I'll talk to you later."

Robin waved as he left and once out of sight, took a deep breath as she rubbed her belly. She had one week to finish everything she needed to finish in order to move them forward. She truly believed if they continued down the road of the conversation he just began, they might never get back on track.

One week and she would be ready.