Chapter 187

All I want to do is get back to the way we used to be

A palpable tension filled the room. Alexis stared in confusion and disbelief at her boyfriend. She wasn't ready to walk away but that would matter little if he had already left her. She started to replay conversations and moments in her mind, wondering if she had glossed over signs and signals from him indicating that he wanted out. Her breathing was shallow as panic started to set in. Robin moved to where she was, perched herself on the arm of the chair and soothingly rubbed her back.

With some effort, Patrick got up from his chair and walked to Eric's bedside. He rubbed his closed fist of Eric's heart. "Smitty, wake up. Open your eyes."

He groaned in protest and struggled to accede to his request. His head tossed from side to side as he fought through the fog enveloping his brain. "Pantsy" he called weakly, eyes still closed. "I'm....I'm dying. I'm not.....going to make it. You need to....make up.....with your dad."

Alexis gasped at his words and tears sprang to her eyes before tumbling down her cheek; Patrick and Robin shared a knowing look. Robin slid from the chair and coaxed her friend to her feet. "Let's go take a walk and get some air," she suggested.

She violently shook her head. "No" she replied urgently. "If he's....if he's dying I'm not leaving."

"He's not dying" Patrick said, still standing over his friend. "He's confused - probably from the concussion. We had this conversation several years ago."

Unsure, she looked to Robin for confirmation.

Seeing the questions in her eyes, Robin smiled sympathetically. "He's stable Alexis. Confusion is not unexpected after a head injury - add the anesthetic and pain medication to his system and it's pretty tough to think clearly." She slipped her arm inside hers. "Let's go for a walk and let Patrick see if he can't help him sort things out."

Patrick winked at his girlfriend as the two women left the room and then tried to rouse his friend again. "Smitty"

"Is she gone?" he croaked.

"Is who gone?"

"Karen.....she......she said....can't watch me die. I'm going to die" he repeated.

"Eric" he said firmly, "you need to open your eyes. You aren't dying. Open your eyes!"

He shook his head. "I can't....no more chemo Pantsy....tell them.....no more." Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. "It hurts....no more..."

Patrick sucked in a breath and tried again to pull him from his hallucination. "Eric please" he pleaded. "There is no more chemo. We were in a car accident. Come on Smitty, snap out of it."

His eyes pulled open and landed, slightly unfocused, on his friend's face. "Can't do it any more" he said breathlessly. "Need you.....keep Karen away. No more s-s-surgery." He winced as he tried to move about in the bed, his injuries felt unfamiliar but did little to pull him from his confusion. "C-call your dad, f-fall in love and be h-happy."

Easing himself on to the side of the bed he carefully cupped Eric's chin to get him to focus on him. "Smitty, you have to listen to me - you beat the cancer - 5 years ago. You were in a car accident but you don't have cancer. My dad and I made it up, I have fallen in love and so have you."

"No" he cried piteously. "No....no one will want me. I'm damaged g-goods."

"Eric! God dammit!" Patrick's frustration was mounting and almost inexplicably he had a flash of Robin lying in the bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, and it felt like a hot poker slowly piercing his heart. It was like a preview and a flashback all at once and it left him momentarily breathless.

"You're the only one....only friend" Eric stammered, his eyes falling shoot. "Wish I was stronger."

Patrick watched as he slipped back into unconsciousness and sighed heavily. He knew the medical reasons for his friend's confusion but it was also a never before seen glimpse into a time he thought was long behind him. He had never once before heard Eric refer to himself as damaged and he hated the idea that he viewed himself that way. Through some of Patrick's darkest moments, in the past and more recently, he had been there for him, reminding him of what was important. Eric had never seemed to really need the same reassurances and Patrick now wondered if he had just been missing the signs.

Taking a quick read of Eric's vitals and relieved they were steady. Getting to his feet, he headed out the door in search of his girlfriend and Alexis.

******
Standing in the Atrium, Alexis stared out the window and the bustling sidewalk below while Robin leaned against the railing and stared at her. Get her away from me. The words were like a vice grip around her heart. There was a twisted irony that he wanted her away from him when so much of their relationship had been about him drawing her closer. When they had first started dating his need to constantly touch her, the way he would hold her to him in bed or on the couch, unnerved her. So much of her life had been about establishing her independence and not surrendering to another person. Even in her marriage Ric had never seemed to need to touch her - on reflection she realized they had often gone days without sharing much intimacy at all. But Eric was quietly present and she figured out how to fall in love with him without losing herself. The absence of his touch had been keenly felt.

"You okay?" Robin asked quietly.

She shrugged. "I'm not sure" she answered honestly. "I....I don't know."

"How can I help?"

Alexis smiled appreciatively. "I'm not sure there is anything to do. He...for whatever reason, he doesn't want me near him."

"Alexis," she interjected kindly, "you don't know that. It's very likely he's hallucinating or confused."

"Or maybe he's as clear as he's ever been. Maybe the truth is out."

"I don't believe that" Robin told her emphatically. "I have seen the two of you together and I don't believe he wants to be away from you."

"And yet he's in the hospital because he was in a car accident. He was on his way to move his ex-girlfriend into his old apartment and I didn't even warrant a call or a text message."

"I'm sure there's a good reason for that."

Pursing her lips together, Alexis shook her head. "I'm not." Exhaling slowly, she turned her back away from the window and leaned against the railing. "I think Eric isn't the only one confused" she laughed with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"You know, I learned - when Patrick was in here - that patience was the one thing that was needed and the one thing that was hardest to come by. I believe Eric loves you completely and I think you do too. Don't let your mind gallop too far ahead Alexis."

"Every time I think taking a risk will pay off, I find out - generally the hard way - that it doesn't."

"Don't give up my boy just yet" Patrick said as he joined them.

"How is he?" she asked urgently.

Robin watched him carefully and could see some fresh wounds in his eyes and pulling herself from the railing, slipped her hand inside of his

"He's altered" Patrick said. "I just spoke with his surgeon and they're going to run some tests. He thinks he still has cancer - he thinks he's in the hospital because of his cancer and he thought you were Karen."

Alexis sucked in her bottom lip, not quite daring to hope. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "He was talking about stuff that happened five years ago"

"Is he still awake?" she asked hopefully.

Patrick shook his head. "No, he fell back under. He'll be in and out of it for a while - I wish I had more to tell you but the only thing to do now is wait."

"Is there any reason to suspect he won't wake up?"

Robin looked up at him as she felt him tighten his hold on her hand.

"No there isn't," he said quietly. "Head injuries are tricky but I have no reason to think he won't wake up and be fine. He will be fine Alexis." His addendum sounded more like the words of a best friend than a doctor.

Smiling bravely, she nodded. "Thank you" she whispered tearfully. "I'm going to go back to his room."

"Alexis, why don't you go to the hotel and sleep for a few hours?" Robin urged.

"I can't" she admitted. "I...I don't want him to wake up and find I'm not there. Thank you both." Gathering her purse she quickly exited the atrium and headed towards his room.

Drained, Patrick looked around the room and finding a couch against the far wall, walked over and flopped down. Robin followed and sat down beside him, curling towards him. She gently stroked his hair letting her fingers trail down the side of his face.

"You're awfully quiet" she observed. "Did something happen that you didn't want to tell Alexis?"

He shook his head before dropping it to Robin's shoulder. "I don't think I've been a very good friend to him."

"What do you mean?"

"He was babbling - thinking he was still in chemo - and even though I knew how sick he was I don't think I understood that he was so close to the edge. He...he called himself damaged, Robin. That's my best friend and that he thinks of himself like that...." his voice trailed off.

She kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry" she said quietly.

"Me too. There was....one night before my surgery he told me that he had prayed for death and I don't think I understood how desperate he had been then until now. Back then....all I could think about was what his death would mean for me. How utterly alone I would be. I never knew I was so selfish."

Entwining her fingers through his, she brought their joined hands to rest on her stomach. "You aren't selfish Patrick - not when it comes to the people you love. Illness just doesn't happen to the person who is sick - you reminded me of that very recently. You were living with his cancer alot like you live with my HIV and that means you can't separate how you feel from what is happening to the person who's sick."

Bringing her hand to his mouth, he kissed the palm. "Can you promise me something?" he asked.

"Sure"

"If you're....if you ever feel like I'm not noticing something or not giving you what you need, can you promise to tell me?"

"You always give me what I need" she told him, "even when I don't know what that is." Robin encircled his arms around him and rested her chin on his good shoulder.

Tilting his head to the side, he kissed her softly. "I couldn't do this without you" he told her softly.

"You don't have to," she replied. "Ever."