Chapter 206

Glory days

Propped up against the pillow, Robin watched as he tossed and turned restlessly. It was the third night in a row that he seemed to be fighting in his sleep and she was beginning to worry. His brow was furrowed and his lips were in a tight line. Unable to watch him struggle any longer, she put her hand on his shoulder and gently shook him.

"Patrick," she called to him. "Patrick, wake up."

Rolling on to his back he sighed heavily and slowly opened his eyes. Robin softly stroked his cheek with her finger.

"You okay?" she asked. "You looked like you were having a wrestling match."

Nodding, he reached for her and tugged her next to him. He pressed his lips to her forehead and let them linger there as he breathed in her scent, finding comfort as he did so. Robin's hand swept across his chest and she said nothing as they laid together in the dark, their bodies tangled together.

"I think I'm a bad father," he said finally, breaking through the silence.

Robin raised her head slightly and looked at him curiously. "Why….why would you think that?"

His fingers curled through her long, silky hair as he tried to form the words in his mouth. He had been plagued by nightmares since it happened and though he had tried to push it from his mind he hadn't been able to do so. There had been opportunities to raise it with her or his father or Robin but the truth was he was too embarrassed to do so and so he wrestled with himself.

Blowing out his cheeks he pressed another kiss to her forehead. "When…." His voice trailed off and closing his eyes, he tried again. "When you were bleeding out – I ran – I ran down the hall with you in my arms and the minute they took you from me I wanted to curl up into a ball. I didn't….I didn't know what to do"

Turning her head she laid a soft kiss over his heart.

"I think I finally understand my father – I didn't…I mean I wasn't looking for a bottle to crawl into but I understood, in a way I never wanted to, what it was like to want to give up. I didn't want to think of a life without you."

Reaching for his hand, Robin entwined her fingers through his. "Why do you think that makes you a bad father?"

"Because!" he answered urgently. "Because I didn't think of Kathleen. All I could think of was how my world felt like it was falling apart. Our little girl was in the NICU and I didn't think of her, I thought only of myself. I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree."

With great difficulty and an assist from Patrick, Robin pulled herself into a sitting position and leaning over, turned on the light. Patrick's protest was cut short by a shake of her head.

"Confessions are easier in the dark," she said, "but truth at some point needs light."

"Robin-"

"Patrick, you are not a bad father" she stated unequivocally. "You are not."

"My first thoughts should have been about her and they weren't. They were about me."

Taking his hand in both of hers, she pressed it to her chest. "You listen to me Patrick Drake. Our Kathleen is a miracle and a blessing and a gift by any other name but that doesn't mean the rest of our world suddenly stops to become replaced by her. I love our daughter" she told him, looking intently in his eyes. "I love her in ways that I did not know were possible but that is still a very different love from what I feel for you. You were scared and worried and panicked – it's perfectly natural that you were thinking of yourself. I have no doubt that if the worst had happened," she felt his hand tighten in hers, "if it had, you would have picked yourself up and taken care of her."

"How can you be so sure?" he whispered.

"Because I know you" she answered simply. "I know you and I know your heart. And I have watched how love our daughter. Patrick you got sucker punched that day. It's okay that you fell to the mat."

Sucking in his bottom lip, he shook his head. "I don't ever want our daughter to feel like I did" he told her. "I know that my Dad and I are in a good place right now but there was a long time where we weren't and I don't want her to ever experience that."

"She won't" Robin reassured him. "She is a most loved little girl and she will always know that. I have faith in you as a father and I have faith in me as a mother."

"When did you get to be the calm one?" he asked, a hint of teasing in his voice.

"I was always the calm one" she replied with a grin. "It's just taken you a while to notice."

"Robin – I….I fell to pieces."

"And then you picked yourself up," she reminded him. "I woke up to you and our daughter. You picked yourself up."

"I don't want to screw up." He raised his eyebrows as she tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter. "Nice to see your support" he groused good naturedly.

"Patrick, it's not a question of if we're going to screw up but rather when and how badly. We are going to mistakes with her and with each other but if I have learned anything in the last year it's that mistakes can be forgiven. Your mom was a wise woman – you told me she said that love is not the answer to every problem but every solution starts with it."

Further conversation was interrupted by a cry from down the hall. Smiling, Robin pushed back the covers and carefully got to her feet. She padded down the hallway and Patrick listened over the baby monitor as Robin cooed and fussed over Kathleen. She was quiet within a minute and he grinned as she came through the door, daughter cradled in her arms.

"She told me she wanted to hang with us for a bit."

"Oh she did, did she?" he asked, pulling the covers back further. With his arms outstretched, he took Kathleen and laid her down on the bed as Robin carefully climbed back in.

Robin rolled on to her side and covered Kathleen's tiny belly with her hand. Patrick, mirroring her position, covered her hand with his and beamed at her.

"Those are definitely your eyes" he said. "And your nose."

"But that is your mouth" Robin countered. "Those full lips – those are all from you."

Sliding his hand from Kathleen's stomach, he picked up her fingers and shook his head. "Look at how long her little fingers are."

Robin nodded. "Those are surgeon's hands."

"Or a piano player" he offered.

"You don't have visions of her carrying on the Drake name in the OR?" she teased.

Patrick shrugged his shoulders. "I hadn't thought about it. I just…I want her to be happy."

"She will be" she answered. "Look at the love between us Patrick – how can a child be unhappy if they grow up surrounded by love? I did and that is what got me through – what gets me through" she amended, "the hard times. I may not have had a traditional family but I did have as much love as any one person could have asked for."

Leaning across the bed, he kissed her softly. "I want her to be like you" he whispered against her lips. "With courage, compassion and strength to spare."

Cupping his cheek, Robin kissed him back. "I want her to be like both of us – to be the best of what we bring. And I know she will be."

Picking up her squiggling daughter, she leaned back against the pillows and laid her on her chest. Patrick scooted over next to them, draping his arm around her shoulders and resting his head on hers.

"I can't believe you don't have any doubts about parenthood."

Looking up at him, she smiled shyly. "I didn't say I didn't have any doubts but I have faith – in us. Look at all we've come through – all we've survived – we're going to be great."

He rubbed his hand along Kathleen's back and felt imbued with love as the young baby sighed sleepily and curled her fingers around her mother's t-shirt. He was in awe of how beautiful Robin looked with their daughter and at how much he loved the simplicity of the moment. It was as though through loving Robin and becoming a father he was finally discovering who he really was.

"Is it everything you thought it would be?" he asked.

Robin pressed a kiss to the top of Kathleen's head and then snuggled in closer to Patrick. "It is," she told him. "And so much more."