Chapter 209

Where everything you want,
Where everything you need
Will always stay

His fingers tangled through her hair as their lips fused together in passionate exploration. Her tongue darted in and out of his mouth teasingly as she pressed her body further against his. Her hands burrowed under his t-shirt in urgent need. He swallowed down a groan as her fingers trailed over his smooth skin, her nails grazing his flat nipples. Feeling his arousal pressing against her, she rotated her hips and smiled against his mouth as she felt him harden.

A pout formed on her lips as he pulled away, breathless and panting. With a lazy smile, he kissed her forehead and wrapped her in his arms. Her brow furrowed, she raised her head and give him a quizzical look.

"Why are we stopping?"

Equally puzzled Patrick shook his head. "We always stop."

"But we don't have to" Robin protested. "Kelly gave me the all clear yesterday."

"I know" he agreed as he traced her lower lip, still swollen from his kisses. "But we don't have to rush these things."

Wriggling free from his arms, Robin sat up. "We don't have to rush these things? Patrick are you….are you….are you less attracted to me?"

"What?" he exclaimed, sitting up in a hurry. "What? No!" Taking her hand he placed it against his still evident arousal. "Does this feel like I'm not attracted to you?"

A small, involuntary smile appeared at the corners of her mouth. "No but….you always – we never….we never delay this kind of stuff. If you're worried about hurting me, don't be. Kelly said I'm good to go."

Not quite sure how to answer her, he was quiet for several minutes. It wasn't that his attraction to her had waned – that simply wasn't possible – but since Kathleen's arrival everything felt different. He felt different, she was different and he wasn't entirely sure what to do with it all.

Disturbed by his silence, she nudged him. "Patrick?"

"I don't know what to do" he blurted quietly.

Scrunching up her face, Robin looked at him. "Um….well….that's never been a problem for you before. In fact, I'm pretty sure you are well versed in what to do."

Smirking, he shook his head. "That's not what I mean." Reaching for her hand, he tugged her to him. "I do know what to do but I don't."

"You aren't making any sense" she pointed out. "Though you are pretty cute when you're confused."

"I…I don't quite look at you the same way-"

"I knew it!" she interjected, trying to pull away from him. "It's because I'm all squishy and stuff, isn't it?"

"Whoa tiger!" He reached for her again and kissed her softly. "I love you and I love your body. You are beautiful just as you are."

She gave him a doubtful look. Her body image had always been positive, give or take the normal foibles and worries that all women have. She had truly loved being pregnant and the changes it brought to her body but now, almost six weeks after giving birth, she was not as sure of herself as she was. Patrick's reluctance to have sex had only reinforced some of the critical voices in the back of her head.

"You said you don't look at me the same way-"

"I don't" he told her. "Robin, I watched….I watched you bring our daughter into this world and it was by far the most miraculous, amazing thing I have ever witnessed. And you did that – all on your own – the rest of us were a supporting cast. But it's made you kind of like a superhero in my mind and I'm….well….I'm…"

"A mere mortal?" she offered, with a small smile.

Smiling, he nodded. "Something like that. Honestly Robin, it feels weird after that to sling your legs over my shoulders and …" His cheeks flushed a deep crimson and for the first time in his life he found himself almost embarrassed to talk about sex.

"Sling my legs over your shoulders and pound me?" she suggested, giggling as his cheeks burned an even deeper shade.

"Yeah" he mumbled.

Robin slid onto his lap, straddling him. Cupping his face, she kissed him tenderly. "Patrick I am not a superhero, though I love you for thinking that. I am the same woman you loved before Kathleen was born; the same woman who had sex with you on the washing machine, on the stairs, on the kitchen table and repeatedly in this bed. I don't want to be treated as a mother. I want you to love me and make love to me like we always did. I want you to talk dirty to me, to grope me when you think people aren't looking and I want you to sling my legs over your shoulders."

Patrick buried his head in the crook of her neck and breathed in her heady scent. His hands slipped under her shirt and he stroked her back. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know," she replied softly. "Patrick, things are going to be in a constant state of chaos for us for quite a while but we need to make sure we find time for each other too – to talk and to make love."

She knew it had been one adjustment after another since Kathleen had arrived. Patrick had returned to work after three weeks and trying to coordinate schedules was proving to be almost a full time job. She also knew how important it was for him to be good at this – to prove to himself more than anyone that he could be a good father and a good partner – that he was emotionally available to everyone who needed him.

He nodded his head in agreement. "I'm still trying to sort through it all"

"Me too" she admitted.

Brushing his lips against hers, he let them linger there. "Soon" he told her.

"Very soon."

Snuggling down against him, she brought her head to rest on his chest, sighing happily as Patrick kissed the top of her head.

*****
As her alarm bleat softly, Robin's eyes fluttered open. Giving a small stretch she looked over at her boyfriend, sound asleep, and stared lovingly at him. She placed a kiss on his bare shoulder and carefully pushed the covers back, swinging her feet to the floor. Rising quietly from the bed, she grabbed her robe and pulled it around her as she headed out of the bedroom.

Pushing open the door to Kathleen's room, she grinned at her daughter who was lying on her back and staring happily at the mobile turning over her head.

"Good morning my love" she greeted her softly. "I'm so happy to see you this morning."

Scooping her up in her arms she did a brief diaper check before cradling her against her shoulder. "Did you have happy dreams?" she asked.

While she and Patrick shared evenly in feedings and diaper duty, she had come to love early mornings with her daughter when she would feed her, give her her AZT and watch the sunrise. Kathleen was tolerating her six week course of AZT very well and Robin remained hopeful that the statistics would bear them out and she would be part of the 98% of newborns who didn't become infected. It had been very important to her that she be the one to give Kathleen her AZT and though Patrick had objected at first, Robin had simply told him for her own peace of mind she needed to be the one.

"Ready to go downstairs?"

Kathleen curled her fingers through her mother's long hair and rested her head on her shoulder as she padded down the stairs.

Robin placed her in the baby seat as she retrieved the medication. She pulled back the dropper and walked back to her daughter, placing the dropper against her lips. Kathleen opened her mouth and Robin delivered the drug to her. As she swallowed it down, Robin felt her eyes well with tears. It was not an unusual reaction for her, in fact every time she administered the medication to her daughter tears filled her eyes.

It was a simple act – providing medication – and it produced complicated feelings. There were feelings of sadness that she had to do it at all; her HIV was always harder to cope with in relation to other people. The nightmare scenario was infecting someone else and the two people she loved more than anything had both been exposed – it was a daily struggle for her. But those feelings of sadness, inevitably gave way to small feelings of joy. She was a mother. Something she had been told long ago would never be possible and while she wished her daughter didn't need such strong medication so early in her life, she marvelled at just how far her journey had taken her.

But this morning, with the sunlight peeking through in slivers through the drapes, the tears in her eyes were mostly because it was the last dose. Kathleen was six weeks old today and today marked the last day she needed antiretroviral drugs. She would have her second HIV test in two weeks and then her final one almost two months later. In her diary, Robin had circled Kathleen's six month birthday as the day they would hopefully know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was negative.

"I love you my baby girl" she cooed to her as she kissed her chubby cheek. "That was the last one, the last of the icky medicine. You took it all like such a star and I am so proud of you. I want you to know Kathleen that I did everything I could – everything – to make sure that you are protected. Your daddy says you are our miracle and you are. I believe – I believe Kathleen – you will be negative."

She swiped at the few tears that trickled from the corners of her eyes before picking her up from the seat and pacing the floor with her. "Your daddy says that if the worst happens he knows you'll be okay because you have me but I don't ever want you to have to come to me for that. I don't ever want to have this in common with you. You are precious and beautiful and I want your world to be limitless. I live fully within my limitations but I don't ever want you to know what that's like. As you grow up I want you to look at the world and only see possibilities."

Sitting up in bed, Patrick listened in through the baby monitor and felt his heart crack.

"I won't be around forever," she told her, "but I'm going to make sure that you're okay. And you will have your Dad to help you with everything too. He's such a good man Kathleen and he loves you so much. My friend Darren says life isn't about the quantity but about the quality and he's right. What I lack in years to give to you I will make up for in quality. You will always have the best of me and will never doubt how much I love you. You are a wanted and loved child and a complete source of joy and you will know that as sure as you know your name."