This was the moment that I was supposed to release a deep breathe, relax my tense shoulders and neck, and smile. But I couldn't do that. I wanted to, but it wouldn't happen. My stomach still felt like a huge knot, and I couldn't shake the feeling that somebody was watching me. Looking at the huge window, I thought maybe closing the curtains would help. I could pass that off as I wanted it to be dark for a nap, right?
I did just that, the dark fabric being really effective, but now the room was way too dark. I turned on the main light and the desk lamp.
If I was normal, at this point I would probably be unpacking and getting situated. I didn't have anything to situate though, so I stood awkwardly for a moment before moving to the closet. It was way too much to deal with however, one glance at a huge row of jeans and I had to shut the door. That shit was insane in there.
With nothing else to do, I took a shower. The bathroom was like something out of a movie, a huge glass shower and a tub with jets, not to mention the large, shiny sink area all decorated and arranged in a way that I knew I would mess it up if I simply touched it. I took my time in the luxury shower, reveling in my ability to stand under the hot water for as long as I wanted.
I dressed in the same clothes when I got out, not wanting to go back in that room. I had only been wearing them for a few hours anyway.
I was tired, so I laid down on the very squishy bed, feeling bad as I sank into the pillows, no doubt un-arranging them. Instead of ruining the whole bed, I pulled a smaller blanket from one of the bed posts and curled up, doing my best to keep my mind blank until sleep came.
I didn't open my eyes when I came to. As best as I could tell through my closed eyelids, it was still dark outside. That was good. If I had slept too late he would be mad. Maybe I could stay here for another minute though. I was really comfy right now and getting out of the warmth sounded very unappealing. I felt myself drifting off after a few minutes however, and I knew I had to move around or I would risk falling asleep completely. I rolled over, right onto my bruised face. Hopefully it didn't look too bad today, I didn't want him to bring it up again.
After one last moment of peace, I rolled myself to the edge of the bed and stuck my foot down. When my foot didn't hit the ground at the right moment, my eyes flew open. What the fuck? Then it all came flooding back. I was someplace different. I ran away. Somebody found me. A wave of fear went through me, sending shivers down my spine.
I never thought it would be like this. When I first dreamt about getting out, I pictured the same world as before. I knew my parents were gone. I knew that. But the dream included them and my house and my room, my school with my friends and everything I wanted. It was all I had to fantasize about and so that became my light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know when it had gone from a dream I only wished I could have to something real that was out there somewhere waiting for me. Now that I had finally done it, finally gotten away, that picture was long gone, it was way too late for me to have any of that, and it was once again a dream, just a lie in my head that I could never have, because it didn't exist.
What did exist was this house, this room, and this family that was surely waiting for me to do something miraculous. I didn't want them, I wanted my mom and dad, my space ship bedroom, and my third grade classroom friends. I wanted to be back where my life had left off.
This was so unfair. It was cruel that my life had been taken like that. I had everything I wanted, and just like that it was gone. He took it. now what was I left with? Nothing. He stole it. He stole me.
The whole time I was with him, I thought it was him that was making me different, but now I wasn't with him and I was still different. I was still there, in the room, whenever I closed my eyes. I wasn't miraculously different, or just back to normal. I was still a freak to the world but sadly, this was my normal. I didn't remember feeling safe, or happy, or whatever the Cullens wanted me to be. I had hoped that if I was ever rescued, I would just know how to be normal automatically. But I was still me. I didn't want to be like this anymore. Disappointed didn't even start to cover how I was feeling right now.
All I was left with was a creepy feeling that somebody was watching me, even in this dark, closed room, and enough memories to keep me miserable for the rest of my days. Add that together with the expectations from the people downstairs, and my life sure was looking great.
I sat up, my feet finally touching the floor. I looked around the room again, my eyes sweeping to the door, still closed with a dim light coming through the bottom, and then to the window where the curtains were still closed, letting in no light this time. I ran my fingers through my hair, finding it dry. I must have been asleep for a long time.
Should I get up? And do what? Esme wanted me to eat dinner downstairs with them. The idea was less than appealing. I didn't know how to act, what to say, or what to do with myself. Not to mention the very idea of food left me nauseous right now. I wasn't really in the mood to try to figure all that out. I was tired. And my head hurt. So instead of getting up, I swung my feet back up into the bed and threw the blanket back over me. I smiled at the thought of going to sleep for as long as I wanted.
Sadly, that hope was bashed after a much too short time asleep. I heard a knocking at my door. My eyes opened on reflex, but I didn't move. I stayed very still, as I had been taught to do. I waited. Another knock. He had never knocked.
"Edward? Can I come in please?" Esme. I stayed quiet, hoping she would think I was still asleep. Unfortunately, after knocking again, the door opened slowly. My closed eyes were hit with the bright light of the hallway outside and I flinched, squeezing my eyes shut further.
"Sorry to wake you honey," she continued, still by the door. "Edward?" My game failed, I opened my eyes, still not moving from my little ball of the tightly wrapped blanket.
"It's almost 9 o'clock. Will you come down to eat?" I closed my eyes again, hoping she would accept that as a no. "Edward you haven't eaten since breakfast, I'm going to make you a sandwich and bring it up here okay?" Looking at her again, I didn't want to say yes, but I couldn't bring myself to defy her either. So I did nothing and she left with a 'be right back'.
She was back way too fast. She knocked again but didn't wait for an answer this time. She came right in and put a plate down on the nightstand, along with a bottle of water. Then she went to the desk and turned that light on. It was bright and hurt my eyes but at least it wasn't the main light like he turned on.
"Sorry about the light. If you can eat a little then you can go back to bed if you want," she told me. I extracted my arms from my bundle and sat up slowly. She handed me a sandwich and a bottle of water and then sat on the end of the couch closest to the bed and looked at me. Was she seriously going to watch me eat? She probably didn't trust that I actually would. I tried to ignore her and focus on eating through my nausea.
About halfway through the awkward silence, she started talking. "Did you sleep well? You like your room?" I nodded, chewing. "I'm sorry if Alice startled you earlier, she was just excited to meet you. She'll calm down soon enough." I tried not to roll my eyes. I may be a freak, but I wasn't scared of that tiny girl.
"She's fine," I said after I swallowed. I finished my food quickly, taking a swig of water and setting it back on the nightstand, then holding the plate awkwardly, wondering what she wanted me to do with it. Should I bring it downstairs? But she stood up and took it, putting it on the nightstand with the water.
"Here, Carlisle sent these up too," she said, taking out a squished little paper cup from her sweater pocket with two pills in it. I looked at her, confused. Why did he want me to take drugs? I was fine. I wasn't doing anything but sleeping. I didn't want to take anything. I shook my head.
"It's okay Edward, your doctor in Seattle sent them home with Carlisle, they're nothing serious." I shook my head again, not taking them when she tried to hand them to me.
"Honey I promise they're good for you, it's just a vitamin supplement and some pain medication for your head. It will help you sleep."
"No thanks, I slept fine earlier," I tried to say politely. I didn't want her to force them on me. She took her hand down, looking a little frustrated. That scared me. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted her to leave now.
"Are you sure? Doesn't your head hurt?" I shrugged. She signed lightly and then said, "Okay, we can talk about it tomorrow." She went to the dresser and opened a drawer. Pulling out a pair of pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt, she said "Why don't you go get changed for bed?" I nodded, getting up quickly, happy she wasn't mad.
When I came back from the bathroom, she had moved some of the pillows and turned down the blankets. She picked up the dirty plate, leaving the water. "Goodnight Edward. Sleep well, okay? If you need anything, you know where to find us, don't hesitate to wake us up, okay? See you in the morning," she smiled and backed out of the room, leaving the door cracked.
I waited until I heard her go down the two flights of stairs and shut the door. I went to bed, trying my best to keep my thoughts on the comfortable bed and nowhere else.
Wednesday, November 17th
I woke up in a very similar way the next day. Knocking. Then speaking. I pulled the covers over my head before the door was opened. I didn't want to think about things. I wanted to sleep again.
There's more speaking but I don't listen. I fall asleep again. When I wake up, it's because somebody is shaking me. I flinch back, fighting to get out of the heavy covers. I couldn't get my arms out fast enough and I started to panic, not liking being held down.
"Edward? You're alright, slow down." My eyes focused on the blankets, I blink to clear them before I can untwist myself and push the covers down to my waist. Esme was the one who had shook me, but Carlisle was standing at the door, looking worried.
I swallowed hard and sat up before mumbling, "Sorry."
"Its fine, honey. I'm sorry I startled you but it's getting late. You've been sleeping for a long time."
"What time is it?" I asked, looking around for a clock. My voice sounded groggy and thick. I wondered how long was a long time.
"It's almost noon," Carlisle said. I looked over at him, still standing by the door and not getting any closer despite my panic.
"Do you think you could come down and eat some lunch?" Esme asked. I didn't want to get up. Somehow, I was still tired. I felt like I could sleep for hours more.
Starting to shake my head, Carlisle stopped me. "The kids are both at school, we'd like you to come down for a little bit, eat some lunch and talk about some things."
"I'm really tired," I tried not to sound pathetic, but I really didn't want to go anywhere.
"How about if you're still tired in an hour or so, you can come back up and take a nap?" Esme asked. I couldn't very well say no to them, so ten minutes later, I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating the waffles that Esme had made for me. They were good, but I would have been grateful for anything, seeing as how this was the first time I've actually sat at a kitchen table to eat in years. Carlisle was there too, sitting at the other end of the table, drinking coffee and reading the paper, obviously trying to give me some privacy. He keeps glancing up when he thinks I'm not looking to check my progress on the food. I make sure to eat it all before I take my plate to the sink. Esme takes it from me before I can do anything with it and sets it down in the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes she used to cook with.
"Edward? We have a few time sensitive issues we should discuss, can we go into the living room to talk?" Carlisle asked me. I shrugged. Esme put her hand on my shoulder, nudging me toward the hall to the living room.
Once we were all arranged, me on the shorter of the two couches and the two of them on the big one, Carlisle smiled gently at me, obviously trying to calm my nerves.
"How are you feeling now?" he asked.
"Fine."
"Esme said you didn't want to take your prescription last night?" I shook my head no.
"You know we won't force you to take them, but I think they would help you right now." I shrugged, looking away from him. I didn't want to take drugs. I didn't need them. "Your doctor was worried about vitamin deficiencies, the medicine for that really can't do anything but good for you. And you have a concussion still; it's alright to have some help when your head's hurting you," he tried to convince me.
It wasn't that I was trying to defy him or anything, I just really didn't want to take anything. I was uncomfortable enough at the hospital with god only knows what they were pumping into me. I didn't like the idea of chemicals going around in my body when I felt fine without them. I could deal with a little headache now and then. I didn't want to do it just because he said it was a good idea, it was my choice. He said he wouldn't force me, now we could see if he meant it.
"I'm fine," I said. Carlisle looked at me strangely for a moment before getting up and going to the kitchen. He came back almost immediately with two orangish bottles. Was that it? Was he going to force them on me already? I tensed up, ready to move away. But instead of coming towards me, Carlisle sat back down and put the bottles down, opening them one at a time and dumping out one of each little white pills. He put them both in a little white cup like Esme had earlier and pushed it towards me.
"You can keep those for now, they're there if you need or want them. Although I should warn you, it's best to take the pain medicine with food. It might make you nauseous otherwise." I didn't tell him that I was always nauseous now.
"We also need to talk about what's going to go on over the next couple days," he continued. Uh oh. What did that mean?
"First, a doctor is going to be coming by later to meet you and talk about where we go from here. She's a youth psychiatrist, and she's also worked with several cases similar to yours. She can help you start to get comfortable with living here and hopefully, you can talk to her about whatever's bothering or worrying you. Today's just a meet and greet though, and Esme and I will be here with you." He paused, waiting for me to acknowledge that he just told me I was getting a shrink. I didn't. I just stared, knowing he wasn't done yet.
"Ok, so her name is Dr. Garrison, and she'll be here around five." Really looking forward to five o'clock then. I want to go back to bed. Maybe I could sleep through five.
"Can I go upstairs? I'm still tired." He said I could go back after I ate. Carlisle and Esme glanced at each other like they had a secret they weren't sharing.
"Sure you can," Esme assured me. Then she continued, "Are you sure you don't want to stay down here for a while? You could go see the backyard maybe? Watch some TV?" I half shrugged half shook my head. Thankfully, they let me go up after telling me that somebody would be in to wake me before Dr. Garrison got here.
Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep. I tried. I got under the covers and curled up like before, but when I closed my eyes, I felt like I was in my old room. I kept opening my eyes to check that I was actually out. After a few minutes it was pointless, so I got up and took another shower.
Now, I'm standing outside the closet door, dreading getting dressed. I should put some real clothes on, if I was meeting somebody important. This doctor person was going to be judging me, after all. Even if they covered it up by saying it was to "make me comfortable," they were obviously just trying to figure my brain out. If I wore what I had been wearing all day, they surely would assume I was depressed or wasn't interested. That would seem rude. No, I needed to wear some real clothes. But that meant I had to go into that mess. Taking a deep breathe, I went in. The closet/room was about as long as the room I lived in for 8 years was. That alone should depress me, really.
Focus. I need to get something nice, but not look like I'm trying too hard. Too bad I hadn't dressed myself for anything specific in a while. Eventually, I settled on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved brown shirt. Sort of plain, but that was okay. I found socks and underwear in the dresser outside.
I noticed that there were a bunch of different sizes of boxers. My face went red with all of the implications of that. For one, that tiny girl I had met yesterday had obviously picked out underwear for me. That was horrible. And two, she clearly hadn't met me before, nor had she known what size I wore in anything. So not only had she clearly had to consider my underwear size, but she and Esme had probably consulted about it. Apparently they didn't come to a conclusion because there were different sizes. That also meant that the money they spent on me was like, tripled. Shit, who knew there was so much stress in picking out a pair of boxers to wear.
Hopefully the rest of the closet wouldn't be so dramatic.
But what to do now? The clock said it was 2:23. I had almost three hours. I stood. I looked around. What was I supposed to do now?
I felt a panic start to bubble inside my chest. I didn't know what to do with myself. How sad was that? I was just standing here, clueless. I was a teenager, I should be able to entertain myself. I literally could not think of one thing that a normal teenager would do in this room right now. What was wrong with me?
I sat down against the wall, my knees up in front of me. I put my head on them, pressing the bruise against the new denim. From my spot against the wall, I had a clear view of underneath the bed. A shiver shot down my spine as the feeling of deja vu came over me. The visual came before I could stop it.
The first night I was in his house, I hid under the bed. I was a little eight year old, still crying because my Mommy and Daddy weren't there. When it got dark outside, I crawled under the twin bed and pressed my face against the wall, trying to be quiet. I was stupid to think he wouldn't find me. I was stupid to cry. Later I learned that it made no difference. At the end of the night, the end result would be exactly the same, every single time. It was better to stand up and face it, rather than to hide. But that night, I didn't know better. He found me, obviously, and reached under easily, pulling me out with one arm. I screamed and cried harder than ever and he pulled me onto the bed with him, holding me like he could actually give me some comfort. I pushed against him, but he just wrapped his arm around me tighter, using the other hand to wipe tears from my eyes. He told me that he was my dad now, right before he clued me in on what he really wanted me for.
I shook my head, forcing myself to look away from the floorboards under the bed. I stood up, a little shaky, but managed to make it over to the light, flipping it on. I had thought of that night so often over the past years. I wanted this time to be different. It should be. It was supposed to be over. Why couldn't it just be over?
I opened the door, not thinking of the consequences. Once I was in the hall, I stopped dead, still not knowing what I should do. I guess I should head downstairs, it didn't make much sense for me to stay in the hall. I headed down one flight, then two, but before I got to the bottom, I heard the garage door open. Not prepared to deal with anyone, I instinctively turned to sneak back up to my room until Esme came to get me.
When I hit the second floor, my plan was once again foiled.
"Edward? Are you okay?" Esme's voice sounded worried, and I understood why. I was essentially running up her staircase. She must think I'm crazy. To make matters worse, someone heavy was coming up the stairs behind me. Before I could answer her, Emmett reached the top of the stairs too. Esme looked between the two of us, confused.
"I'll just…" I faded off, jerking my head up the stairs.
"No, don't be silly! I'm glad you came down. And you look so nice, doesn't he Emmett?" she asked her son.
"Uh….I guess?" his face turned red, as I'm sure mine was.
"Boys," Esme muttered rolling her eyes. "Emmett, we have a visitor coming at five tonight, I'd like it if you could stay upstairs while she's here, okay?" she said as she came towards me, directing me back towards the stairs with her arm.
"Oh. Yeah, sure. That's fine," Emmett said awkwardly, his face still red.
"Honey, let's go downstairs, shall we?" I nodded weakly, following her down.
"I don't think you got the whole tour yesterday. You've seen the kitchen, behind the living room is another sitting room, more formal. We hardly ever use it." She brought me to the room. There were two fancy looking couches and a huge black piano. "Sadly neither Alice or Emmett ever picked it up as I hoped they would." I wanted to laugh at the visual of big, burly Emmett playing something so delicate.
"There's a bathroom in the hall by the kitchen, as well as a door to the basement. We mostly use that space as storage right now. Would you like to see the backyard?"
"Sure," I mumbled. She had wanted me to see it earlier, I should have said yes then.
The yard was huge, just like everything else here. It was beautifully kept, flowers and trees and green grass, the perfect backyard for any childhood.
"There's also a small river down the bank further, you can't quite see it from here. There's lots of woods behind that, Emmett loves to hike in them when it's warm enough." I nodded. I could see that from him.
Esme led me back into the living room after I declined more food.
"Would you like to watch some TV? Have you gotten to watch any lately?" she asked, clearly trying to bring up the subject delicately. I winced a little at the sudden reminder of how freakish I was compared to these people, but at the same time I was glad she didn't feel the need to completely tip toe around me. I should give her the same courtesy.
"Uh, no. He watched the news sometimes…but I never really watched anything."
"Would you like to? I think we have some stuff recorded, movies and whatnot. Do you have a favorite movie?" she asked, encouraged by my willingness to talk about him.
I shook my head.
"Oh! I must teach you about Tivo. You don't know about it already do you?" I wasn't sure if I should be offended, but I shook my head 'no' anyway.
"Okay, come sit," she patted the couch next to her, holding a big silver remote. She explained what it was and how to record shows I wanted to see. The whole thing seemed a little silly to me, but she seemed to think I would enjoy it. "You can look through the shows and record anything you want or just watch what other people have on this list."
We eventually settled on watching the second Harry Potter movie. I had seen the first one with my dad when I was seven, not that I told her that. She asked me if I remembered any of them, I simply told her I would watch the second one. She seemed to understand I didn't want to talk about the experience, which was good. We watched the movie and I was amazed at how little the kids looked. I remembered them much older. The more I saw of this new world I was thrown into, the more I was realizing that it was a very different place than the one I remembered. I wanted the old one back.
A few minutes before five, Carlisle came in from the garage door. He must have gone out somewhere while I was upstairs. I didn't even realize he was gone. I needed to pay better attention.
Esme paused the movie before turning it off and greeting Carlisle.
"Hello Edward, how was your afternoon?" he asked me next.
"Fine," I said without looking at him.
"Great!" he said, obviously trying to be enthusiastic. I felt my face go red, still not looking at him. "So where are the kids, Esme?"
"Emmett is upstairs and Alice is spending the evening at Angela's house."
"Alright, Dr. Garrison should be here soon, are you ready Edward?" Was I ready? Really? Yes I'm always ready to meet the shrink that I'm supposed to let pick my brain, that's really how I wanted to spend my time.
How did I want to spend my time though? I didn't know. I shrugged, keeping my sarcasm to myself.
There was a knock at the front door soon after and all three of us stood up quickly. Carlisle went to the door and Esme followed behind, leaving me to stand awkwardly by the couch, wondering if I should follow too. Deciding I didn't really want to look unsure of myself to this doctor, I moved to the rest of the group.
The doctor came into the living room, smiling and reaching out to shake Carlisle's hand. She looked nice enough. She was shorter than me with short brown hair and glasses. She carried an over the shoulder briefcase. I wondered what was in there. What did she have planned?
"Good to see you again, Dr. Cullen," she said, shaking his hand with both of hers before moving to Esme and greeting her similarly. Then it was my turn. I braced myself, looking at her skeptically as she stepped towards me.
I could feel her looking at my face but I couldn't look at hers. I kept my eyes on her hands as she held one out for me to shake. After only a slight hesitation, I put my hand out for her to take it. She grasped it in both of her small, soft hands and squeezed a little bit, shaking them up once and dropping them. I pulled mine back quickly and crossed my arms, still not looking at her face.
"It's great to meet you, Edward." She sounded pretty genuine. "I'm Rebecca Garrison." I glanced briefly at her face, she was still looking at me, and then looked down at my feet. Why wouldn't she stop? Obviously I didn't want her to stare at me.
Carlisle invited her in and we all arranged ourselves on the living room furniture. I sat in my same spot as before and Esme sat in hers, right next to me. The doctor sat next to Carlisle on the other couch, putting her bag down on the coffee table. She didn't take anything out for now, but I knew she would.
"So, how has your first day here been?"
I wanted to shrug but rethought my strategy. I should probably try to make a good impression with her.
After clearing my throat, I answered, "Um, good," like the genius I was. She seemed happy enough with that though, nodding and smiling.
"And are you feeling okay?" she pressed.
"I'm fine." I was a little snippier than I meant to be, but that topic was getting old fast.
"Alright, well there are several things that need to be taken care of today before we get into anything else. James Owens had his arraignment on Saturday, he is currently being held in the Sea Tac Federal Prison awaiting trial. The detectives and the attorney for the Seattle Police Department will want to come here for questioning, however they are willing to postpone a few weeks. You, Edward, also need to start considering whether or not you are willing to testify against Owens. You don't need to make a decision today, but it's usually more useful in these cases for the defense to know as soon as possible."
A chill ran through my spine as soon as she said his name. I didn't really want to talk about him, but I was glad she got right to the point. Now that it was out there, it felt less awkward and less confusing. No sense in beating around the bush. I liked that.
Oh wait, was I supposed to answer that?
She continued before I decided. "Dr. Cullen I understand you have your own lawyer?"
"Yes, he's willing to meet with us whenever Edward is up to it," Carlisle told her. Why did I need a lawyer? Wasn't he just on trial with the state or something?
"Ok, I think your attorney, Edward and I should meet before he meets with any of the state attorneys. Just to assure that he is ready and prepared for anything they should ask him. Are you alright with that, Edward?" she looked at me, waiting. I nodded, a little confused.
"Have you been out around town yet?" I shook my head this time.
"Esme and I were actually a little concerned about that actually. We were wondering how to proceed with the media threat around Edward." Was I not allowed out?
"Well, as far as I'm aware, the media has not actually seen Edward yet, am I correct?"
"You are, however as you know I have been on TV. I'm afraid people around town know my face," Carlisle answered her, sounding regretful. I honestly didn't really care. I didn't want to go gallivanting around town anyway.
"You can't worry about that forever, I think it's best to proceed as usual and deal with that problem if it comes. It's much better for Edward to be getting out around people than to be hiding inside. It's a small town, so there's bound to be gossip, however you can keep them off your property which will thankfully give you a lot of privacy here."
"Edward?" she waited until I looked at her. "You know there is no need to be afraid of anybody here, correct?" I didn't answer. "The media attention, if it comes, will likely be annoying but I think you will find that most people you meet will actually be well-wishers and not there to cause any harm." I didn't really care if they meant well, I had little desire to meet anyone new.
"With that in mind, I think we should talk about starting to make small trips out around town. Is there anything you might be interested in doing, Edward?" I shrugged again, clueless as to what my interests should be as a 16 year old boy.
"Alright, well again, nothing needs to happen right now, you can think about it and if anything strikes you as a good idea, you should try it," she shrugged. "Sound good?"
"I guess so."
"Good. And how do you feel about getting some check-ups done? Dentist and eye doctor maybe? I know you didn't want a physical exam at the hospital and you don't have to do that until you feel comfortable with it, but it's important for you to be healthy-"
"I don't want to go to the doctor again," I cut her off, then I felt a little bad. But not really. My teeth and eyes were fine. It seemed silly to be so concerned about that after all the shit he put me through.
"Okay, that's fine for now. It's up to you." I fought the urge to roll my eyes again. Did she think I couldn't tell she was trying to make everything my choice? Whatever.
"I realize you're still adjusting here, but how is your appetite? Sleeping okay?" she had taken a notebook out of her bag now, looking through a printed page of some sorts. I frowned at whatever it was.
"It's fine," I said shortly, irritated.
"He's been sleeping a lot, actually. He slept for over twelve hours last night," Esme spoke up. She looked a little guilty for ratting me out, but I knew she was just trying to help.
"That's to be expected, his body is adjusting. I'd be much more worried if he wasn't sleeping as well." I didn't like all this talk about adjusting. "We'll keep an eye on both, for the time being. It's important that he is getting enough rest and nutrition right now especially."
"Do you have any questions right now, Edward?" I didn't think so.
"Okay, I'll be back on Friday. If it's alright with you, I'd like start doing these sessions a little earlier. Will 3:00 work for you? Say Monday, Wednesday and Friday for now?" she looked to Carlisle and Esme when it was clear I wasn't going to answer this time.
"That should be just fine," Carlisle said as he stood up. Thank God that was over. Esme leaned over and asked if I was tired. I nodded, only lying a little bit.
When I hit the first landing, I stopped to take a big breathe, holding onto the top of the banister. That's when I heard the three adults continuing to talk downstairs. I assumed they would just be saying their goodbyes, but it didn't sound like it now. I turned my head to hear better. Just for a second.
"He seems to be holding a lot back, but that's really to be expected. He needs time to work through it."
"I'm a little worried about his appetite. He's eating of course, but he never wants to. We have to almost force him. Is that…" Esme didn't finish her question, sounding upset.
"Give him a few days, hopefully he'll come around. Your job as parents right now is to just be there if he wants to talk. Make sure he knows he's not alone and try to engage him as much as possible. Most of his healing needs to happen on his own time, you just need to be there when he asks for help, even if he doesn't say it."
Great. That's just awesome. Now surely they were going to analyzing everything I said and did. That's really what I needed.
"I'm going to leave a prescription for Ativan with you. The report I got from his doctor indicated that he may have some issues with panic attacks when he gets worked up. It may have not happened here yet, but all this will surely catch up with him and he may need some help relaxing. Again, don't force him into anything but if he's truly panicking you should encourage him to take one. Eventually we may want to make it a smaller, daily dose but for now, if an attack happens, this should help."
Shit. I didn't know they would know about that. I mean what could they really expect? I freaked out a little bit when they first brought me into the hospital and wanted to do a 'rape kit' on me. I didn't want them to touch me and nobody would listen. I was still expecting James to walk in the door at any minute and all the doctors would talk to me about was doing an exam and procedures. I calmed down eventually, I didn't need drugs. I wasn't crazy. I would be fine if everyone just let me be.
"Hey man, what's goin-" Emmett's voice sounded from right behind me. I embarrassingly jumped and gasped, shocked at his sudden appearance. Emmett let out a small, carefree laugh but then looked confused, "why are you up here?" Shit. He listened for a minute before I could come up with an explanation.
"Try to encourage him to interact with your other children and maybe some of their close friends. He shouldn't feel isolated, even if he is staying around the house for a while," Dr. Garrison continued. My face turned red as Emmett watched.
"Oh. Dumbasses for not- wait, man, it's not a big deal-"I had already pushed past him, shaking my head and embarrassed. I raced up the stairs, taking two at a time and then barely resisting the urge to slam my door, hard. Instead I closed it as gently and soundlessly as I could manage before sinking down to the floor against it. I pressed my bruise against my knees again, feeling the sting and focusing on it instead of what just happened.
I suddenly was tired. I was too worked up though. I knew I wouldn't have any better luck than earlier. It wasn't even six yet either.
God that was embarrassing. Why did he have to come down right at that moment? I was only standing there for like thirty seconds and he picked that time. Was he going to tell them I had been eavesdropping? I doubted they would be overly upset but still, it wasn't exactly the best foot to start off on.
And how much had he heard? It seemed like he just caught that last bit, hopefully he didn't hear the shit about them having prescription drugs on hand for me in case I freaked out. That would be almost worse than him hearing how a doctor was recommending I make friends with the people I live with because I was too messed up to find my own. Ugh. I wanted to burn the last five minutes from my mind forever. Just like the rest of my life.
Not to mention how horrible the rest of that meeting was. It seemed pretty tame compared to the embarrassment I just went through with the normal teenage guy in the house, but it was still pretty bad. She wanted my foster parents to take note on my sleeping and eating patterns because I couldn't do it myself.
It seemed like everybody was waiting for me to blow. Apparently the nice little life that they had crafted for me was about to blow up and expose virtually every aspect of my real sad little life and they were all getting ready for the mess it would make.
And they were going to make me go through that all over again, three times a week. I might die before Friday instead, thanks.
That woman seemed way too informed for my liking. She knew about everything already, which I guess was good because it was less I had to say myself. Still it left me wondering where she was getting her information and who else had it.
In fact, until she said it, I hadn't known his last name. Owens. I guess it didn't really matter, I had no use for the name after all, but it still was weird that everyone else knew. I had lived in his house for eight years after all. He never mentioned his last name? I guess not. It's not like we did a lot of chatting. I didn't really want to learn anything else about him. Knowing his last name was making him more real instead of the bad dream I wanted him to be.
I couldn't picture him sitting in a jail cell either. I hadn't really thought about where he had gone since I ran out of his front door. I just knew he wasn't where I was. That was all that really mattered but I guess I needed to think about where he was going from here.
Did I want to testify? No. That was really all the thinking I had to do to get an honest answer. But I knew if I just said no to them, I wouldn't hear the end of it. They would bring it up until I changed my mind. But the whole idea sounded so utterly awful to me it was hard to think about another answer.
Really, the man killed my parents. Doesn't murder trump anything he did to me anyways? Did they really need me? Technically, I guess I was a witness or whatever, to the murders. Could I talk just about that part?
The more I thought about it, the more the idea of actually talking about it in front of people didn't sound like the end of the world, in comparison to actually seeing that man again. That's really what I wanted to avoid. There wasn't much that could make me agree to that again. Surely they didn't actually need me to put him in jail.
I didn't want to see him again. If I had to do that in order to testify, I wouldn't testify. I could talk to the cops though. I could try to help from here, as long as I never was in the same room with him again.
I needed a distraction, so I sat on the end of my bed and fiddled with the remote until I figured out how to make the TV work. The volume was up really loud. I jumped and muted it, listening for anybody coming up that might have heard. I turned it down almost to mute and looked around for something interesting.
It was bizarre being so alone. I felt truly free to do what I want without consequences right now, at least in this room. It made me almost giddy to be able to choose what channel to put it on or how loud to make it.
But in a more practical sense, I couldn't decide if it was an improvement from how I'd been alone since he took me. Being with him, it was a different kind of alone. I knew my parents were gone, and he had told me when my grandmother died. That meant there was literally nobody out there looking for me or hoping that I would come home. It was just me and him, and he never let me forget it. But now it was weird. I wasn't physically alone, but still nobody was truly with me. Nobody understood at all. It wasn't their fault, they couldn't. But in a way, I was still with him, or he was with me, in my mind. He understood what had happened and he knew how it had hurt me. Nobody else, just him. Even if he was in a jail cell. He would never truly leave me alone.
Around eight, Esme knocked. I got up to answer it this time, turning off the TV. I vaguely wondered if Emmett told them what happened on the stairs, my face reddening as I slowly opened the door.
"You're awake!" she sounded legitimately surprised. "I'm glad. Do you want to come down to get dinner? It's a little late, but we thought you were napping," she rambled a little bit.
No, I didn't want to come down for dinner, but after the meeting and hearing how they were going to keep an eye on my eating habits, I figured I should.
She led me downstairs yet again and as I sat at the table eating delicious vegetable soup and a grilled cheese, it was obvious she wanted to talk.
Finally, she just spit it out. "So did you like Dr. Garrison? You know you don't have to stick with her if you aren't comfortable with her."
"Oh. Yeah she's fine," I said, not knowing that I had a choice in the matter. I didn't want to risk getting a worse person. She wasn't all that bad yet.
"Just fine?" I looked up, she was smiling a little, clearly teasing me. I shrugged and she grinned more, amused.
"Tomorrow, if you're feeling up to it, would you like to go out and see the town maybe? Get the lay of the land?" she asked, sounding hopeful.
Driving around with nowhere specific to go sounded very….exposing. To be honest I didn't really want to go anywhere right now. I was getting comfortable in the house. And I liked it here. It was warm and I could go in my room and shut the curtains and not have to worry about being seen. I knew as soon as I stepped outside he could find me, even if he couldn't touch me with Esme. I'd rather stay in, thanks.
I did the half shrug half shake my head thing again. I didn't look at her.
"You don't want to go out?" I shook my head. I felt like I just got here, why did I need to go somewhere already?
"Honey, are you worried about something if you leave the house?"
Yes. I shook my head.
"Ok. We can take it slow alright? Let us know if you want to do something, it's up to you. There's nothing for you to be scared of here."
Yeah, ok. I ignored the comment. She had no better idea if I was safe than I did. But that did remind me.
"I don't want to testify."
She looked up from where she was putting dishes in the sink, looking shocked.
"Are you sure? You can take some time to think about it."
"I'd have to see him, right? In court?"
"Yes, he would be in the room, but he wouldn't talk to you or-"
"I don't want to then. I don't want to be in the same room as him anymore." I looked at her closely, wanting her to know I meant it. I expected to see pity, but really what was there was sadness. It wasn't much better, but I wanted to make her feel better.
"Okay. That's your decision. You don't ever have to see him again." She turned and made it look like she was continuing with her work, but I thought she was hiding something else from me.
"I'll talk to the police or whoever….I want him to go to jail. I'll do whatever I can to help, except I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want to have to think about seeing him even. I just want him away from me." A shudder went through my spine, realizing how true my words were.
She looked back at me, her eyes wet with unshed tears. Before I was ready, she came to me and embraced me from where I was sitting in the chair.
"That's very brave of you, Edward. I'm proud of you for wanting to help. I know it's hard to talk about. You're very strong for agreeing, you know that?" She rubbed my back a few times, still not letting go.
This was the first time I had been touched like this since I lost my parents. I knew she was legitimately kind and didn't want to hurt me. It was beyond being a strange feeling. It was completely unknown and foreign. It made me miss my mom. I wanted it to be her hugging me, telling me it was okay and that I was being brave. I could have hugged my mom back, instead of sitting awkwardly while Esme, almost a complete stranger, had to fill in for something else that monster had taken from me.
This whole thing was completely unfair. Hadn't he done enough? He had to take my parents too? What if they were still here? It would be so different. I would be at home, happy and excited to be back with the people I love. But no, he had to take everything, so even now that I was free, I still had nothing left.
When Esme pulled back, I realized that I was crying. I swore I wouldn't do this. How embarrassing, crying like a fucking baby while someone else's mom had to try and comfort me. I got up, maneuvering around Esme so she couldn't see my face, and ran from the room. Thankfully I didn't see anybody else and I got to my room, shutting the door and then running to the bathroom, shutting that door too. I pulled a towel down from the rack and sat on the floor, blocking the door. I buried my face in the towel, biting it to stop myself from making noise as I cried.