AN- So first I want to say thanks to all the people who have left really touching reviews. They make me very happy :)
Also, I'm officially out of the stuff I already had written so it'll be a little slower going from here. I'll do my best to get new stuff out every week, but I'm not going to set up and update schedule exactly. I am a busy college student so I don't know when I'll get weighed down with school work, I just can't promise a regular thing. But I enjoy writing this and I'll do my best not to leave people hanging.
Hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think.
Saturday, November 20th
Saturday morning was a whole new kind of stress.
I woke up early because my shoulder hurt. Carlisle told me I didn't have to sleep with the sling on, so I got up and took a shower fairly easily. I just tried to one-arm everything. Getting dressed was harder though because I had to lift my arm to put a shirt on. I contemplated not putting a sweatshirt on so I only had to do it once, but then looked at my arms. They weren't horrible looking to me anymore, most of the scars had faded. But they were still visible and I didn't want to throw them in people's faces. I was awkward enough.
Being around people was keeping me on my toes. I was used to looking at myself, scars included, but now I had to think about everyone else. What would they think about the lines on my arms, the circles on my wrists? I didn't want them to see me. So I'd have to remember to cover myself.
I waited until around nine, then went downstairs, sling and all.
It wasn't until I got to the bottom of the stairs that I realized what Saturday meant. There were too many voices in the kitchen. Alice and Emmett were there too. Four people to keep track of now. Did I go back upstairs? How long could I hide up there?
A little bit longer…
I turned to go.
"Edward?" Esme. Damn it. "Are you hungry?"
I turned. She looked so hopeful and happy.
"Yeah, I guess," I mumbled as I walked into the kitchen with her. Emmett, Alice, and Carlisle were all sitting at the table, already eating.
"Good morning Edward, have a seat," Carlisle greeted me as he himself stood up, holding a coffee mug.
I tentatively sat down in between Carlisle's spot and Emmett. I looked around. Everyone else was still in pajamas and Carlisle had glasses on that I hadn't seen on him before.
"Coffee?" After an awkward pause I realized Carlisle was talking to me.
"Oh, no," I shook my head. "Thanks," I added when I thought that might be rude.
Emmett leaned in closer to me and said with humor in his voice, "Dude, no offense, but I didn't think I'd ever meet somebody paler than Alice. We need to get you some sun, man."
"Emmett!" Esme scolded him.
"What?" Emmett looked shocked.
"That was rude. He's just kidding Edward," she told me.
But the thing was I wasn't offended. It was true. I was pale. Really pale. Never going outside did that to you. I looked at Alice. She was pretty pale too but she had nothing on me. I felt my mouth curve into a smile and then a chuckle escaped me. He was just so blunt. I didn't expect that, especially because everyone else I had talked to had been tiptoeing around me. I felt like that was the real Emmett. He would have said that no matter if I was some random guy on the street or his best friend.
"Ha! He thinks I'm funny, see Mom?" I tried to wipe the grin off my face when I realized they were looking at me, but it was hard.
"I'm not that pale, and if I am, it's so not my fault we live here," Alice countered. And just like that, the attention was off of me.
Emmett and Alice bickered back and forth. I tried to keep up but when Esme put a huge plate of waffles and a glass of orange juice down in front of me, I was distracted. I tried to eat everything on my plate, but it was a lot and I just wasn't that hungry. Eventually Carlisle and Esme rejoined the table and drank coffee while listening to the conversation.
I thought I would feel out of place, but I found it actually wasn't that bad. They weren't making me talk, and I was grateful for that. Right now, at least, everyone seemed to be okay with me just being an observer.
After a while, Emmett and Alice dispersed to get ready for the day and I was left with Carlisle and Esme.
"Edward, I was thinking today would be a good day to get those x-rays out of the way. I don't work today and Esme could come with us if you think that would help. What do you think?"
What did I think? I thought no. X-rays seemed like a horrible idea. I imagined it involved me being touched by strange people and my arm being painfully arranged. I started to shake my head but he interrupted me again.
"I promise no harm will come to you at the hospital. I will be the only one treating you and I'll be with you the whole time. All you have to do is lie down on a table, wait for a few minutes, and then we'll be out of there. We don't even have to wait for the results."
But I still didn't want to actually go anywhere. He didn't seem to get my point.
"Do I have to?"
He hesitated. "I won't force you today, but it is a necessary test, yes." I heard what he meant. Yes, he would force me. If not today, then later.
Twenty minutes later, I was in the car with Carlisle. Just Carlisle, because I had insisted that I didn't need Esme to come. I could do this by myself, thanks. I didn't need her to hold my fucking hand to go out in public.
I was in the front seat of his car and I felt like everybody we drove by was watching me. I didn't make eye contact with any of the other drivers, just in case.
When we were in sight of the hospital, I felt the panic bubble in my chest. I didn't want to do this. I didn't know how to behave in public, I didn't know what to say to people, I didn't know what was going on. Why did I have to do this? It was ridiculous. Why does Carlisle care if my arm is x-rayed? I didn't, so he shouldn't. I would much rather sit in my room, where I felt safe and warm.
He pulled into the lot. My throat seemed to close in a little.
He drove up a ramp into the parking garage. I was dizzy.
He parked. I wanted to throw up.
He unbuckled his seatbelt. I sat. Frozen. Staring at the dashboard.
"Edward? Are you alright?" I didn't answer.
"Everything is going to be fine. You have nothing to be afraid of. Can you get out?" Of course I could. I unbuckled my own seatbelt. Looked at the door handle.
I really didn't want to do this. I couldn't breathe right.
"Calm down. Try to take some full breathes, can you do that?" I looked at him. I didn't want to go out there. I shook my head.
Carlisle grabbed a bag from the back seat, then opened his door and stepped out.
Fuck, was he leaving me here?
He walked around to my side of the car. What was he doing? He opened my door at the same time that I reached for the handle to keep it shut. I was too late.
I was really dizzy now, my mind going way too fast. I knew Carlisle had knelt down next to me, but I couldn't focus on him. My face was hot and I was sweating.
"Edward, I need you to calm down. Everything is fine, you're in no danger. Just breathe. I'm not going to make you get out of the car." He wasn't? Why not? He said he was.
I tried to swallow but it was hard.
"Look at me," he directed. I did. He seemed happy that I could follow the direction. "Good. Now take a big breath." I tried, but it didn't help. I was dizzy and my heart was going really fast. I could feel my heartbeat everywhere. I shook my head. He reached into his bag. What was he going to do to me? God, he was a doctor, he probably had access to all kinds of crazy things I had never even heard of.
"Dr. Garrison gave me this medicine for you, Edward, in case you needed to calm down. Will you take it?" I shook my head. "It's nothing dangerous, I promise. It'll only help your heart rate come down and let you relax." He held up a bottle, pleading. I shook my head. How many times did I have to tell them that I didn't want any pills?
"Son, you need to calm down." Shit. This was it. It was happening again. I should have known this was too good to be true. I hated that name.
I couldn't just sit here and wait for it this time. I had learned my lesson.
I grabbed the bottle of pills from his hand and threw them on the ground. I heard the clicking as they bounced away before I used Carlisle's distraction to my advantage. I jumped out of the car, shoving past him, and ran. I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't want to go in that hospital. I didn't want to go outside either, so I ran away from both the exit and the entrance of the garage.
Once I was up the ramp and around the corner, I turned, looking over my shoulder. Carlisle wasn't following me that I could tell. I kept running anyway, awkwardly as my arm was still in the sling. That, combined with my dizziness, was throwing off my balance and by the time I got to the 'level 3' sign, I was tripping over my feet.
This level was mostly cleared out, but I found a large truck parked on the edge. I slid down against the wall behind the truck so that I was blocked from view of the entrance.
I put my face on my knees, feeling my whole body shake. The wetness from my tears soaked into my jeans.
I sucked in a shaky breath, glad to finally be alone. I still felt a little light-headed, but after a few minutes, I caught my breath and could see straight again.
Shit. What was I doing? I have to live with that man. Now I made him mad. I had been doing pretty well up until now about not misbehaving and retaliating. Now he knew, and he would have to do something to punish me.
I immediately thought of Esme. Guilt went through me when I thought about how disappointed she would be in me. She tried so hard, and I just continuously fucked up. She didn't ask for me to come and live with her. I had pretty much been dumped here, on this perfect family. Maybe it would have been better if I had just stayed with him. Maybe I was selfish for wanting to be part of this life.
I was just so inadequate for this family. Take me and Emmett for instance. He was essentially the perfect child, and I was this freak that couldn't even walk into a hospital. It was ridiculous.
Oh my god, he works here. I had forgotten that little fact. I just threw a fit in my guardian's place of work. Great. Just great.
I just wanted to be able to take care of myself so I didn't have to bother these people anymore. But look at me, I panicked at the littlest things, I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't defend myself, I was injuring myself, and I couldn't even pretend to be normal. I couldn't begin to be independent, and they knew it. They held that power over me.
Now the question I had to answer was what Carlisle was going to do with that power. It was his turn to react now. He had given me an opportunity to be normal and I had refused. So now what?
I didn't want this anymore. I was so tired of trying to predict everyone's next move. It was exhausting. I just wanted to choose something for myself and do it, with no repercussions from anybody.
Way before I was ready to face anybody, I heard a voice that brought tears back to my eyes. Tears of sadness, embarrassment, and regret.
"Edward, honey? Are you up here?" Esme asked to the apparently empty garage. I stayed behind the car, but I felt horrible. I had disappointed her, I knew it. Carlisle had called her, told her what I had done, and now she was here to convince me to go into the hospital. I didn't want to go, but she was so nice and caring, could I refuse her? She was probably going to force me anyway. There was no way I could outrun both of them, especially since I was pretty much cornered now.
I was hiding under the bed again, trying to postpone my punishment, or fate, or whatever. It was all the same right now because eventually I would have to get out from behind this car and face her. The longer I waited, the worse it would be.
I stood up.
She had already moved past the truck, continuing to the end of the row.
She was going to be mad. She was going to make me go in there. I was scared. I felt sick.
The next thing I knew, I was doubled over, my good hand on the wall supporting me while I puked up whatever breakfast I had left in my stomach.
Because, of course, what I always wanted was for Esme to watch me vomit, she was soon right next to me, a hand on my back. When I thought I was done, I hesitantly stood up straight, out of breath again.
"Here, honey," she handed me a tissue from her purse to wipe my mouth off with and then a bottle of water. She told me to 'rinse' and I did so, not caring that the bottle was already half drunk.
"You alright?" I just looked at her. I could feel the tears in my eyes coming back.
"I don't want to go in there."
"The hospital? Don't worry, we're not going to try that today. We're going to go home, okay?"
"Aren't you mad?"
She looked confused, and I immediately regretted asking. Of course she was mad. "I'm sorry I ran! I won't run anymore, I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it. Please don't-"
"Shhh, honey, its fine. I know you were just overwhelmed. It's okay." She pulled me into another hug. I stiffened, not at all comforted by it. "I'm not mad. Neither is Carlisle. We're just happy that you're okay." She rubbed my back some as she spoke words I didn't know were possible. "We're just worried about you Edward."
Her words confused me. They gave me hope, but I knew that I shouldn't let hope come into play. It bubbled to the surface though, and I found myself relaxing into her embrace more and more. She was upset. I wanted to comfort her as she was trying to do for me.
"I'm sorry that you're upset. I didn't mean to do that…."
"I know. You haven't done anything wrong. We just need to work on communicating a little bit better, okay? If you weren't ready to do the hospital, you could have said 'no' when he asked. You know that, right? I'm sorry we pushed you." She pulled back from the hug and looked me in the eye.
"You can tell us what you need, okay? We just want to help. Whatever that means. You tell us. It's all up to you now."
I didn't even know what that meant. I couldn't tell her what I wanted or needed, or anything. I just didn't know.
"Do you want to go home now?"
"Is Carlisle there?"
She frowned, looking worried. "Why? He's still downstairs. He called me. He was worried that you weren't comfortable with him…."
"Oh," I nodded, looking down. It wasn't that I was afraid of him, exactly. He just scared me a little bit when he called me son. James had called me that sometimes, when he was trying to be nice. I knew it was a cover. I didn't want him to say that anymore.
"Are you uncomfortable with him? Just say the word and he can give you some more space."
"He's fine. He just said something, it scared me." She looked at me like she was waiting for me to continue, but thankfully when I didn't, she didn't press the matter.
"I want to go back home now," I told her quietly. I was exhausted, and I just wanted to brush my teeth and go to bed.
She smiled, softly. "Okay. Let's go."
Soon I was back in my bed, covered up and happy. I wasn't exactly tired yet, but I felt safe here, all wrapped up and warm I wanted to stay here for a long time.
When Esme and I had walked back down to the first level of the garage, Carlisle was there. It was awkward, and when we walked over to Esme's car, Carlisle stayed by his, leaning against the back bumper.
Once I was safely in the front of her car, she said she'd be right back and went back over to Carlisle. I was sure they were talking about me, but I felt oddly okay with that. I didn't think Esme had lied to me when she said she wasn't mad, and the fact that Carlisle hadn't confronted me when I came back down made me feel better. Maybe he wasn't really mad either.
I stayed in my bed for most of the afternoon, watching some TV and then napping. It was nice and I found that I had a whole new appreciation for my space after just that brief outing.
Outing. Yeah, more like disaster. What had happened to me? At what point in those eight years had I become so afraid of the outside? I didn't make any sense. Why would being locked up for so long cause me to want to stay inside? Shouldn't I want to go out, run around, explore? It was just weird that I didn't really want what I thought I had wanted for all those years. What did I really want, then?
I guess I had always thought I wanted freedom. And that was true. Who doesn't want that? It wasn't fair that James had taken away something that everyone should have, but now that I was free, what did I do?
What did I want to do? Esme had asked me. I wanted to do something normal. I didn't really know what that was yet, but when it came to me, I wanted to do it. I wanted to prove to myself that I had some hope left. I wasn't going to spend my whole life sulking in my bedroom. Today had been a disaster. I didn't want to go to sleep with that ending.
So around five, I got up. I went downstairs, pretending that I wasn't scared of what I might find. No, I definitely wasn't nervous. I could do this.
Carlisle and Emmett were sitting on the couch in the living room. I didn't see Alice or Esme. They hadn't seen me yet, and that was good. I took in the situation. Emmett had his feet up on the coffee table, Carlisle was sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt, looking very relaxed and overall, in a good mood. I could do this. I could walk down there, sit down, and watch TV like a normal person.
So I did. I walked up to the open couch and sat down. And then I pretended I didn't see the shocked look on Carlisle's face.
"Hey man," Emmett says, sounding genuinely pleased by my presence. And a little bit surprised.
I tried to smile a little bit in greeting but it probably came out more like a grimace.
"You feeling alright now?" Carlisle asked. I was going for normal, not sickly panic stricken teenager, thanks Carlisle.
"Yeah. Fine."
"Of course he's fine, Dad, or else he wouldn't have come down, would he?" Emmett's attention was back on the TV. They were watching some football game. I didn't really pay attention, but I did watch the screen so they could assume I was entertained.
This was okay. I took inventory of myself. No sweating, no dizziness, hands weren't shaking, and my heartbeat was only a little faster than usual.
Okay. I could do this. Alright.
Suddenly, Emmett stood up and started cheering, loudly. He did a fist pump in the air and hollered some more, clearly excited. I wasn't exactly up to date on the rules of football nor was I playing attention, but clearly something good had happened.
Carlisle also looked pleased, although clearly not as enthusiastic as his son. He nudged Emmett when he didn't sit down after a moment. Emmett looked down at him, still excited. Until Carlisle told him to "tone it down." Carlisle shot me a quick glance, obviously waiting for me to react negatively to Emmett's outburst.
I looked down, embarrassed immediately that he thought I would freak out over some sports game celebration. I felt my face go red.
When it was silent for a moment, I looked back up. Emmett was still standing, communicating silently with his dad. Carlisle was giving him a stern look.
Emmett plopped down, defeated. He rolled his eyes and muttered, "Its fine," under his breathe.
Carlisle was still shooting me curious glances every few seconds, apparently expecting me to blow. It was fine, and I wished he would give me a chance. I wasn't completely fragile. I was more amused at Emmett's outburst than frightened.
The game ended a while later. Emmett's team lost but apparently they 'should have had it.' Carlisle took the remote, turning on the evening news. Emmett watched, not exactly seeming interested.
After a few minutes, Esme came downstairs. It looked like she had been napping. My little episode earlier had probably tired her out. She smiled towards me, looking pleased that I was here. I nodded back.
"Emmett? I ordered pizzas a little bit ago, would you go and pick them up for me?" she asked.
Emmett jumped at the opportunity for something to do, getting up and going to the table where they kept the keys.
Esme chuckled and went to get some money for him from the kitchen. Emmett went to put his shoes on, but stopped and asked me, "Hey, Edward, you wanna come with?"
I felt my jaw drop a little. I was beyond surprised that he would want me to come along.
I knew logically that I had already had one disastrous outing today, I didn't need two, especially in front of a third person, but the goal from earlier was still at the front of my thoughts. I wanted to do something normal, something impulsive, and not freak out. I wanted to redeem myself for earlier. I wanted to show them that I could do this. I would be fine.
This was a perfect opportunity. It was like it had been handed to me. I asked, or wished, and here it was. Something small, but normal. I wanted to go.
"Edward's had a long day Emmett, why don't you just go on and get them." Carlisle responded for me.
"No, I'll go," I said, standing up and pretending like I didn't know what Carlisle was talking about. He looked at me skeptically.
"I don't think that's a good idea-"
"No, it's fine. It's just pizza."
"See? He'll be fine, Dad. Let's go man," Emmett said, tossing my coat to me from the hooks by the door. I caught it awkwardly with my one arm.
Esme came back into the room as I pulled it on.
"Where are you going?" she asked, her face going from contentment to complete seriousness in about half a second.
Emmett answered for me, going to get the money from her hand. "We're going to pick up the pizza. Chill, we'll be back in like fifteen minutes."
"Edward, I don't really want you going out again today. It's dark out and you don't know the town and-"
"Mom, everything is going to be okay," Emmett said slowly, like she could understand English very well. When she scowled at him, he said normally, "He's a big kid, he'll stay in the car. We'll be back soon. No big deal."
It really wasn't a big deal. That's why I wanted to do this. I should be able to do this. I could. Esme looked very scared though and Carlisle looked upset.
"Are you sure, Edward?" Esme asked me.
I nodded. "I'm sure. I'll be fine." It felt funny saying that. It was strange to be reassuring somebody else of my wellbeing. It was strange that they cared.
I slid my shoes on my feet as Emmett had done, and looked back at them, wanting conformation that I was allowed to leave.
"Okay then, he's sure. We'll be back," Emmett said, trying to finalize the situation.
"I want you to call if there's any problem, alright? And be back as soon as you can," Esme called as Emmett and I walked out of the door.
"Mmkay!" He yelled, not turning around, obviously annoyed.
I felt a jolt of excitement, or adrenaline, or something when he motioned to the yellow jeep parked on the driveway. It really was sad that this was so exciting to me. But I had chosen to leave the house, I was getting into a strange car, and somebody was going to drive me to an unknown location. It was all just so huge. I wanted to roll my eyes at the patheticness of that thought.
Once we were both in the giant yellow jeep, Emmett started the car and pulled out of his spot, driving very fast towards the end of the driveway.
"Sorry about them. They're so worried and controlling all the time."
"Oh. Yeah. It's okay." I couldn't tell him they had a very good reason to be.
After a minute of awkwardness, Emmett continued a little hesitantly. "They were like that when I came here too. And Alice. Overprotective, you know? Paranoid."
When he got here? What did that mean? I looked at him, confusion surely clear on my face.
"We're both adopted. They didn't tell you that?"
I shook my head no.
He gave a little humorless laugh before continuing. "Yeah. Me first. I was seven. Alice was nine."
"Oh." That changed everything. I wished they had told me that before.
"Yeah. I remember them doing the exact same thing. Always worried and asking a bunch of questions. Hovering. You know?" I did know. "They'll cool it down eventually."
It was silent for a minute before I could find something to say. "That's….good," was the great response I came up with.
Emmett laughed with a little more amusement this time. "Dude, I can't even imagine how much they're annoying you right now. I mean, I was only a little kid and they drove me up the wall. And nothing that bad had even happened to me."
And there it was. That awkward, horrible, giant elephant in the room. I was the freak. He was the normal one. I had been kidnapped. He hadn't. It was easy to ignore when his story still sounded similar to mine. But yes, Esme and Carlisle would freak out over me more because a man had taken me for eight years. Thanks for pointing that out.
"Sorry man. Didn't mean to say that…..I don't really have a filter sometimes, you know?" And that's exactly why I didn't mind Emmett so much. He seemed to say what he wanted and not worry about what other would think or do. Something I needed to learn.
"No, it's okay. Not like I forgot…"
"Yeah, I guess not. Hey man, whatever. Everyone's life is messed up somehow, you know?"
I shrugged. I think I would take pretty much anybody's 'messed up life' in exchange for mine.
"Well we're glad to have you here anyway. It'll be fun having another guy around. Are you gonna go to school?"
"No, I don't think so. I already did this homeschooling stuff, so I'm kinda done with high school," I said, embarrassed.
"Really? That's awesome man, I wish I was done with high school," he sounded legitimately jealous. A part of me wanted to inform him in what conditions I was in when I learned the information, but I let him think nothing of it.
We pulled into a parking lot of what I assumed was the pizza place. Butterflies were back in my stomach automatically, but I tried to squish them down. I didn't want to make a scene with Emmett. He had done a nice job of distracting me the past few minutes.
He parked and said, "Alright man, I'll be right back." I watched him go inside, a cloud of his breath appearing around his head in the cold air.
I fidgeted. Looked around the otherwise empty parking lot. It was quiet and still. I, yet again, couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Like somebody was in the shadows, looking at me. Waiting for the right moment to strike.
My fingers twitched towards the lock on the door but then I thought better of it. Emmett would probably think that's weird.
I looked up to find him. He was inside at the counter, handing over cash to the young looking guy working there. I kept my eyes on Emmett as he reached into his coat pocket, pulling out his phone and putting it to his ear.
He was still on the phone a minute later when he came back to the car holding two huge pizzas. He managed to get the door open by holding the phone with his shoulder. He climbed in, shoving the pizzas into my lap to hold. I smiled at this, glad he was comfortable enough with me to do that. I'm sure Carlisle or Esme would have put them in the back or something.
"Okay, okay, Mom, I've got to go, I'm in the car…..no, we're fine, be home soon. Yeah, okay, bye." He clicked the phone shut, rolling his eyes yet again. "Relentless…" he muttered. I smiled.
When he shut his door, the smell of the pizza fully hit me and I realized how incredible it was.
"Oh my god…that's…so good," I said, sniffing in between my words. Emmett full out laughed at that, the sound was carefree and happy. It made me smile back.
"Been awhile since you've had pizza?" he asked.
"Mhmm." I couldn't stop breathing it in. My stomach growled.
Once he had pulled out into the nearly empty road, Emmett reached over and slid the top off one of the boxes. He pulled a piece out and started eating.
"Go on man, have some," he said with this mouth full.
"Won't Esme be mad?" I didn't want to start the meal she had bought without her.
"Nah. Go for it." I did. I had missed pizza. I had missed feeling normal, and I liked it.
As it turned out, Esme was a little mad that Emmett had eaten three pieces before he got home. She rolled her eyes and smacked him lightly on the arm. He just chuckled, setting them down on the counter.
"How did it go?" she asked, looking right at me.
"It was thrilling, let me tell ya, so much adventure he didn't know what to do with himself," Emmett answered. Esme rolled her eyes and looked at me again.
"It was fine. I'm fine," I added quietly.
"He likes pizza," Emmett said with his mouth full again. I smiled at his rudeness, or openness, or whatever. It was funny.
After everybody had eaten their fill of pizza, I headed up to my room again. I actually did have a long day, and I was grateful for a rest in my warm, comfy bed. I went to sleep with a goofy grin on my face, a tiny bit proud that I had managed that whole interaction without freaking out. But then I remembered this morning. The two seemed to cancel out each other, so really I was just back at square one.
Sunday, November 21st
When I woke up on Sunday morning, something was wrong. I was sick. Pretty sure. My head. And throat. Yep, sick.
Actually, it was a little annoying, because Carlisle said this was going to happen. I didn't want him to be right about this particular thing. Unfortunately, I couldn't ignore the throbbing and the swollenness.
I got up around ten, groaning when I felt my head pulse under the change in elevation. By the time I was out of the shower, I was pretty much done with moving around, but I knew somebody would be up to get me soon if I didn't make an appearance downstairs.
Once in the kitchen, I regretted coming down. Instantley.
First, I heard a gasp. Then Esme was right in front of me, her hand on my face.
"Edward, you look awful! What hurts?"
After looking around, it was only Alice and Esme in the kitchen this morning. I was glad the other two wouldn't witness this.
I shook my head, embarrassed by her worrying, but it hurt my head so I stopped.
"It feels like you might have a fever. Go sit down and I'll get the thermometer," she instructed. I didn't want her to fuss over me, but I really did want to sit, so I did what she asked.
When she came back brandishing a thin glass rod, I tried to refuse it. I didn't remember my temperature ever being taken like this. At the hospital, they had one they put in my ear and that had freaked me out enough.
"Honey, is it your stomach? Have you been coughing? What's the matter?" I glanced up at Alice who was also sitting at the table. She had a mug in front of her and was watching, concern in her eyes. I was embarrassed to be weak in front of her. I wanted her to think I was normal, or at least able to take care of myself. When my stare lingered too long, she looked away, down at her coffee. Hopefully she understood my request for some privacy.
"Uh, my throat hurts. And my head. It's like…" A balloon? That sounded stupid but was true.
"Like what?" she prodded.
"It's like heavy? It feels funny." I hadn't been sick for as long as I could remember. I had the chickenpox a few months before I was taken, but that was really the only time I could remember.
"Okay, it's probably just a cold. Will you let me take your temperature?" I eyed the little device warily.
"Just open your mouth and hold it under your tongue." I did as she asked, feeling beyond dumb sitting there with this thing in my mouth.
Esme dug around in a cabinet for a minute, pulling out some bottles and reading the labels. Alice was still at the table, but she was at least pretending to read the paper and not staring.
After a few minutes, Esme came back and took the dreaded thing out, then informed me that I had a fever of 100.2. I didn't know if that was bad, but she seemed concerned nonetheless.
"I'm going to call Carlisle, he'll want to know."
"Is he working?" she nodded, dialing the phone. "No, please don't bother him at work, I'm fine, really." I had already caused trouble yesterday at his hospital, I didn't need to do it two days in a row.
"Honey he won't mind," she said with a smile I imagined was supposed to comfort me. I looked at her, pleading with her not to while shaking my head, despite how it hurt.
She sighed before thankfully hanging up the phone.
"Did you feel bad yesterday? You should have said something."
I tried to remember, but I was distracted with other things yesterday, not to mention I hadn't really felt well since I got to the hospital a week ago. I shook my head, telling her no.
"Alright….are you hungry?"
I shook my head, just barely.
"Well let's get you back upstairs to bed then, okay?" I should have stayed up there in the first place. She followed me up and I hoped she didn't think I didn't notice how she brought a bottle of blue medicine with her.
When we got to my room, she sat down at the end of my bed while I sat up by my pillows.
"Edward, you feel bad right? You feel sick?" I nodded at her strange question. "I'd like you to take some of this medicine so you feel better. It's still in the bottle, you can read it for yourself if you'd like. It'll help with the headache and it's meant to soothe your throat. It's not going to put you to sleep or make you feel funny or anything."
"Can't I just sleep? I'll probably feel better after that…" I tried to convince her.
She looked at me a little funny, like she was trying to figure me out. I just didn't like medicine, that really was all she should read into it.
"Why won't you let yourself feel better? You're safe here, you don't have to be scared of things like this."
Scared? I think I had a right to be scared. And I didn't want to have to explain it to her. She didn't know anything about this. I could be scared if I wanted to, in fact I think it's best if I stay scared.
I looked away, done talking with her.
"I'm going to leave this here, on this table, if you want to take some. Is there anything else you need?" I didn't answer. "Okay. I'll be back in a few hours to check on you, alright?" she sounded kind of sad that time.
When she was gone, I looked at the bottle of blue Tylenol Cold and Flu. I was scared of it. That was so sad and pathetic. Little kids probably had no problem taking that. I picked up the bottle, huffing, and read the back. Minor aches and pains, headache, sore throat. There it was. I had all of those things, and I wanted them to go away. Why couldn't I just drink some of this blue stuff? What was wrong with me?
I put the bottle down, turned off the light, and curled back up under my covers. I had trouble going to sleep though. My thoughts kept going to reasons why I was so scared of everything. I didn't want to think about what had made me this way.
So I did something that I didn't want to do anymore, but it made my thoughts go away from that house and back into the present. The now. Where I wanted and needed my mind to stay if I was going to fall asleep.
I dug my nails into the tender skin of my lower stomach, so hard that I knew they would leave marks, if not draw blood. But I still left them there for a long time, focusing hard on the stinging sensation and doing my best to concentrate on keeping the pressure steady. I had learned this a long time ago, sometimes doing it on the backs of my legs, but usually on my stomach. I had a little field of lines there from all the times I had held it too long, but it helped to keep me grounded.
Eventually the distraction was enough to lull me to sleep. When I heard knocking, I realized my hand was still down on my stomach, with the possibility of there being blood. I couldn't get up now, they would see. So I had to stay quiet, pretend I was asleep.
It was hard. I had been trained by James not to do this, and I almost gave in when Esme came in and patted my back, trying to wake me. When I didn't respond, she lightly took my sling off, pulling it gently over my head and then resting my arm to my side, supported on a pillow.
A while later, I got up and went to the bathroom, washing off the small amount of blood that was still on my stomach.
While the water ran and I cleaned the blood from underneath my fingernails, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn't look at my face, but my hands, through the mirror. I clamped my eyes shut, bracing myself. I hadn't looked at myself in years. There was a mirror in the bathroom in James's house, but I had gotten in the habit of avoiding myself whenever I was close enough to look. I didn't like what I saw. So I didn't look. I had seen snippets of my reflection in other things since I had left, the car window, the blank TV screen, the microwave door, but I hadn't really looked at myself.
I wanted to know. I wanted to see, really see, what that man had done. The culmination of eight years under his watch, what had it made me? I was about to find out.
Still leaned over the sink with the water running, I looked up. I kept my eyes shut, building myself up to the moment. Was I ready for this? No, but I wanted it anyway. I wanted to know.
So I opened my eyes.
What I saw, it confused me. I saw my dad. I looked so much like him, really. The green eyes, the reddish brown hair, the jaw. It was all his. But the rest, it was his. James's. He had given me the purple circles under my eyes, the thin, too thin, cheeks, the yellowing bruise on the side of my face that was almost healed yet far from gone, the pale skin color, and the scar on my eyebrow.
I turned my face from side to side, experimentally. I was a different person now.
I looked like shit.
I didn't want to look at this strange mixture of my real dad and the man who had stolen me anymore, so I didn't. I closed my eyes, finished washing my hands, and returned to my bedroom.
How long would it take, for me to rid myself of that man?