EPOV
As the sun went down, the small amount of light coming in from my closed curtains disappeared and I was left in total darkness. I didn't like it, but I didn't want to get up and turn the light on either. Esme had spoken to me through the door for a long time, telling me she was sorry I had to see that, I shouldn't be scared of that man, they didn't see me any differently, and I should feel safe. It was nice that she tried. She was trying to cover all of her bases, obviously not sure of what I was upset about.
When I wouldn't come to the door, she gently told me that she was going to give me some time and she would be back in an hour or so to check on me. She came back with Carlisle. I still didn't open the door for them. It felt good that I could control who was in my room. I wanted to be alone, so I was.
Unfortunately, after another hour had gone by, it was clear that they wanted to make sure I was okay and that wish wasn't going to be ignored.
"Edward, we recognize that you are upset and want some space right now and that is normal, but we need to make sure you are okay. Can you say something?" Carlisle encouraged me. I didn't. "If you don't tell us you are okay, I'm going to have to unlock the door," he told me in what I'm sure was his gentlest, convincing voice.
Did they think I was going to hurt myself? Is that why they were so concerned about getting in here?
After about five minutes, he asked me again, "Edward, are you alright?" I didn't answer. I wasn't okay anyway. Any answer that would satisfy them would be a lie. There was an audible sigh and then the doorknob started to jiggle a bit. I hated that noise. I hated the anticipation right before the door opened. Luckily, Carlisle seemed to be having some trouble with the key and I had time to get up and go to the door, opening it before he could and ending the horrible rattling noise.
Carlisle and Esme were both in the hall, Esme's eyes were red and blotchy, Carlisle with his hand outstretched towards the door, clearly surprised that I opened it. We all just stared at each other.
Now what?
I was physically fine, they could see that, so could I go now? I didn't ask, just waited for conformation.
"You're okay?" I didn't answer, just looked down. "Have you been sleeping?" I wanted to.
When they saw I wasn't answering, they thanked me for answering the door and told me that they preferred I didn't lock the door in the future. They promised not to enter unless I said it was okay.
I turned, leaving the door open and went back to my spot on the floor, wanting to be alone again.
Esme asked if I wanted dinner, but I didn't want to talk to them. I was embarrassed about what they had seen, what they knew. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want them to commiserate with me. I didn't want them to know anything.
Eventually she left me, closing the door to a crack and leaving me in the dark again.
I got up and closed the door the rest of the way. After ripping off the stupid sling on my arm, I went to my bed, and got under the blankets. I covered my head up and tried to sleep.
I was restless and when I did fall asleep, I dreamed about James looking in my window.
Wednesday, November 24th
When I woke up, I stayed under the covers. It was hot under here, but I felt safe. I was scared to look at my window or open my door and let the world in, so I stayed.
I just couldn't shake the feeling that he was watching me, no matter where I was. It was like he knew my every move. I felt embarrassed at the thought of him knowing I was voluntarily hiding in my room. He would laugh if he knew. Probably say something like, "see? That's where you belong." It sounded like something he would say.
James's moods had always thrown me for a loop. Sometimes he was mean. Although rarely violent, he would yell at me for nothing or say things to insult me. He even mocked me for being stuck in his house. It was clear that he simply liked to be mad at me. Sometimes I wondered why he wanted me to feel like shit. I never did anything to purposefully disobey him and everything I had learned from my parents taught me that was enough. It wasn't with James. Other times, he would be nice to me, almost apologetic. He brought me stuff like the computer and my books. He would hug me and say he didn't mean to hurt me. When he first took me, it comforted me. If I was upset and he came in and told me it was okay, that I would be alright, I would think oh, he was just kidding earlier, this is the real him. He always made me hug him back and accept his apology.
After years of the mood shifts, I didn't know which side of him was real or fake, but it didn't matter. When he was mean, I wondered what I had done to deserve it. When he was nice, I knew eventually the other side would be back. I couldn't find any comfort from a man that had done so much to me anyway.
I heard Esme come in, so much for knocking, so I pretended to be asleep. She must think I'm crazy for hiding under the covers like a 5 year old. Well, I'm sure they all thought I was crazy for other things too, but this was particularly weird. I heard her set dishes down on my nightstand. Must be breakfast. She left without speaking and I was grateful. I didn't want to talk to anybody.
I felt like all of them were tiptoeing around me. They were waiting for me to flip. Carlisle obviously was trying to censor my experiences so far, and that was completely understandable. He didn't want me to freak out on his family. I got it. But I didn't really think I would snap. Not like that anyway. I didn't want to yell or hit anything. I just wanted to sleep without dreaming or having his face in my head. Was that so much to ask for? I just wanted his fucking face out of my head.
I wondered if he still thinks about me. What is he doing now? Hopefully he really is in a jail cell. Did he share it with somebody? The idea pissed me off. Why should he get to have someone there with him? He should have to suffer alone and with nobody to help him. He probably was treated better than he treated me too. Did he get to go outside? He probably got three meals a day, every day. He probably had TV and books.
It made me sick.
Esme came back. She talked to me this time, trying to wake me up. When she realized I must be awake, just ignoring her, she tried to encourage me to get up. She wanted me to eat. I wasn't even hungry. They made me eat so much here. I didn't think anybody actually needed that much food.
She said she was worried about me. Was there anything she could do for me?
Just let me sleep.
But I couldn't sleep anymore. I was wide awake under here. What a shame.
I stayed still and eventually she left again. A while later, somebody else knocked on my door and asked if they could come in. When I realized who it was, I let out an audible groan. I thought the blankets would muffle it, but sadly, I was mistaken.
The door opened and Dr. Garrison said "I'll take that as a 'yes.'" I rolled my eyes while she couldn't see me. She was a little pushy.
"Good afternoon, Edward." She waited. I didn't move, or respond. She already knew I was awake, dammit.
"I recognize that you obviously had a hard day yesterday, however I must request that you get up so we can have our session. I do not think this is a healthy way of dealing with the situation at hand. Esme and Carlisle have given you plenty of time alone, if that's what you needed. Time to get up." She sounded especially pushy today, actually.
I actually had to pee pretty badly. I had been avoiding it for a while now. If she's not going to let this go, I guess I should take care of business first. With another groan, I untangled myself and pulled myself out from under the blankets. The overhead light was on and it was seriously way too bright. I squinted my eyes and moved to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.
"Edward…." the doctor said in a stern voice, warning me not to go hide in there. I was kind of sweaty and really wanted to take a shower but I figured she would not approve. After taking an exceptional amount of time washing my hands, I went back into my room.
Dr. Garrison was sitting on my couch, her notebook out and ready to go. I guess we were doing this in here today.
"Would you rather go into the study?" I shook my head. I didn't want to leave my room yet. I sure wasn't sitting on the couch with her for this whole thing though, so I got back into bed, sitting cross-legged against the headboard, all the covers scrunched up below me. I crossed my arms.
"So. You heard your name on the news?" Actually, it wasn't that so much as James, but whatever.
"I don't want to talk about that," I told her. Obviously, if I had wanted to, I would have one of the times Esme asked.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Nothing." As usual. Why did she even ask that question?
"How about we talk about your parents?" she asked. I would rather talk about the news thing and started to tell her this, but she continued. "Tell me what they were like. What are your favorite memories of both of them." She waited.
I missed them. I loved them. But neither of those things made me want to talk about them.
"What about your mom. Was she at all like Esme?" I shrugged. "Can you compare them for me?"
I went along with it, but only because I knew there were far worse questions she could be asking.
"Yeah, they're kind of the same, but not really. My mom was…perfect. She…I don't know why, but she was."
"And Esme isn't?"
"I guess she could be too…she just isn't my mom. Maybe they think she's perfect."
"What kinds of things did you do with your mom?"
"Just regular stuff I guess." I tried to say it casually, but she knew as well as I did that 'regular things' weren't exactly high on the list of things I do most often now a days.
"Like…"
"I remember grocery shopping with her. She used to let me pick out my own cereal and sometimes ice cream. She would take me after she picked me up from school some days."
"Did she work?"
"No. She was sick sometimes…so Dad worked instead."
"She was sick? How so?"
"I don't remember what it was called. Sometimes she threw up and she was tired a lot. I remember her having to take medicine. She always had pills with breakfast."
"So your dad worked. What did he do?"
"He was a lawyer."
"Was he gone a lot?"
"Not really. He was always home for dinner. And on weekends." I never felt like I was missing anything. I had the perfect parents. It wasn't fair what happened to them. They didn't deserve that.
"Did you guys ever do anything fun on the weekends?" she asked hopefully.
I remembered again all the times we had taken day trips around the State. He took me hiking through woods and parks. Not long hikes obviously, sometimes we would just drive and get out at certain points. It always felt like an adventure though. I thought he was so cool for knowing about all these 'secret' places.
"I guess. We went hiking in the woods and stuff sometimes."
"Does living in these woods remind you of that?"
"No," I said right away. I hadn't even thought of it until she pointed it out.
"Is that something that would interest you now? Hiking I mean." Ah, now I saw what she was doing. She was back to finding something to interest me. Trying to get me out of the house or whatever.
I shook my head. I didn't want to go into the woods.
"Tell me other things about your childhood. What was your favorite food?" Now she was trying to get me to eat.
"I don't remember."
"What about friends? From school or the neighborhood?" I thought about that when they first found me. I had friends but we were only as close as your average 7 year old. I'm sure they had forgotten about me by now.
"Nobody special. Just kids from school."
"And your grandmother in Chicago? Were you close with her?"
"Not really. We visited a few times. I only really remember the last time. For Christmas. We talked on the phone sometimes."
"Was she your mom's mom or dad's mom? Do you remember?"
"She was Grandma Masen. My dad's." I didn't want to talk about them anymore. Even if we weren't talking about how they died, it still hurt. They weren't there and I missed them.
She asked me something else about them, but I shook my head. I was tired all of a sudden. I wished she would go so I could sleep again.
"You miss them," she told me. She sounded sad, but reassuring at the same time. Like it was okay that I missed them. It made me mad. I didn't need permission to miss them.
"Yeah, of course I miss them they're my fucking parents," I snapped at her. She looked a little startled, clearly not expecting the outburst. She nodded though, not having a problem with my cursing. I hated that I cursed.
"Edward, you wanted to know about James's house. What about your house? Have you wondered what has happened to it?"
I shook my head. No, no I didn't want to think about that house. I didn't know what I wanted to be the answer to that question and I was scared of it being the wrong one.
But I did want one thing. I didn't know if it was possible, but I had wished for it for a long, long time and had to at least ask.
"Can I ask you about something?" I said quietly, looking down at my comforter.
"Of course you can."
"Can you…are there any pictures…that I can have? Of my parents, I mean…. I don't have one." It felt weird to ask for something. It hurt inside to think that she might say 'no'. That everything was gone, there were no pictures, no anything left from my parent's existence. Everybody thought I was dead, so why would they save anything? It had probably been destroyed and I would never see their faces again. I didn't want the conformation, why had I asked?
Starting to shake my head, I wanted to tell her never mind. When I looked at her, she was smiling gently at me, as if waiting for me to look at her. She opened her mouth to answer but then shut it, looking thoughtful.
She was deciding how to break the news to me, I just knew it.
Instead, she stood up, startling me a little with her speed. She pointed to my desk and said, "May I?" What? The computer? I nodded, very confused. Was she just going to ignore my question?
She went to it, opened the laptop, and started clicking buttons and typing. I didn't know what she was doing, but I was ashamed that I had asked this of her. I had showed my weakness and now she had that power over me. She knew what I wanted.
I didn't look directly at her, but I saw her walking back towards my bed, laptop in hand. She set it down in front of me. She was much closer than she usually was.
"Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you hadn't seen pictures. I would have gotten one for you. Will you look at the screen?" I did, but only to satisfy the curiosity of what she could possibly be doing.
What I saw nearly broke me. I wasn't ready for it. It was a picture I recognized from somewhere far back in my memory. Me and my parents, one on each side of me. I was smiling, a happy little kid. My mom was beautiful. She knelt next to me, one hand on each side of me, almost hugging me. She was looking at the camera, a huge smile on her face. She looked happy. My dad did too. He was looking down at me. He looked proud. A hand was on my shoulder and the side of a grin could be seen on his face.
I remembered this day. It was at a local amusement park, the summer before everything happened. It was a rare sunny, hot day and we went and rode rides, any that I was big enough for. I remember they let me have cotton candy. I had never had it before and I threw up in the parking lot. My mom held me all the way home.
This picture had been on our refrigerator. I liked to play with the magnets when Mom was cooking dinner.
"This is the first picture they used in the investigation. It was passed around when you were missing. That's why it's still on the internet. I can get you copies. Actually…hold on one moment."
I didn't really notice that she was gone. I was crying, I realized. I didn't want to take my eyes off the picture. I didn't even want to blink. The screen went black after a few minutes and I panicked, wanting them back. I pressed buttons on the keyboard frantically until it came back. Relief washed over me and I stared some more.
Dr. Garrison did come back though, and she tried to push the computer away. I freaked out again, grabbing it and pulling it towards me. She couldn't have it back.
"Hey, it's alright Edward. I'm not going to take it from you…it's yours now. Here, just look." She put something in my line of vision, obviously seeing that I wasn't going to cooperate.
It was the picture, just on paper. The same thing, a little bit smaller, but I could hold it. I grabbed it from her, momentarily worried that she was only teasing me with it. She let it go easily however and I was afraid that I had wrinkled it with the force of my grab. It seemed fine. Beautiful actually. Now I didn't know which one to look at. The computer was bigger but I could touch the little one. I opted for the real one, because I could have it forever. Technology was only temporary.
I leaned back, holding the picture close to my face and studying it. I wanted to memorize every part of them but I was also afraid of what I would do after that was done.
"Here, I'm just going to move this, okay?" She took the computer. I didn't care anymore. I had this one. "Carlisle just printed these out for you. I have another one here. I'm going to put it down on your nightstand. You can put it somewhere for safekeeping if you want."
Good. I could hide that one and keep this one with me. Then, should anything ever happen to this one, I would still have that one. I would still have them. It was a back-up. It made me feel much safer.
"I'm going to go now, Edward. I'll see you Friday, alright? Try to eat something later. I know Esme is worried about you. If you need to talk, just ask her and she can call me for you, alright?"
I had to say something to her before she left. I ripped my eyes away from the picture, which really said a lot about what this meant to me, and said, "Wait!" She looked at me, alarmed. I swallowed. "Thank you." It might have been the most heartfelt thank you of my life.
She smiled, pleased. "I didn't do anything Edward. All you had to do was ask. We're here to help you." I realized she was right, but I couldn't bring myself to care. "Edward," she started seriously, "I know there are other pictures. The police have them. I've seen one of them. I'll bring them to you on Friday, okay? They should be yours; I didn't realize you didn't have copies. I'm sorry I didn't ask before. I promise I'll bring them on Friday." I nodded. I wanted them. Anything she could give me about my parents. I wasn't sure if I believed it yet, but I had nothing to lose. Except this picture, which I would guard with my life.
"Will you promise me something in exchange?" I nodded. I owed her anything right now. I felt vulnerable, but it was worth it. "Will you go downstairs for dinner tonight?" I nodded but rolled my eyes. She would ask that.
She left me alone then. This was a little surreal to be honest. It sucked to realize how much this meant to me. I mean, it was just a picture. A piece of paper. It was my most important possession. My only possession really.
There were so many nights that I spent wishing I had something of my parents with me. To have proof that they cared for me and loved me. That's what this paper was and if I had it with me the whole time, it would have been so much easier to bare James.
When Esme came up around dinner time, I was still looking at my picture. I heard her coming and remembered the other picture, the one I was supposed to hide. I jumped up and grabbed it. I shoved it deep into the nightstand drawer for now. I would hide it better later, when I had time.
I sat on the bed and tried to look natural. She knocked.
"Yeah?" She opened the door, clearly happy that I had answered. I looked at my picture, holding it tightly with both hands.
"How're you feeling?"
"Fine." I knew she was wondering what I was holding. She didn't ask though and I appreciated that. I remembered what I had promised and let Esme off the hook. "I'll come down for dinner."
"Good. It's ready now, I was just coming up to see if you wanted me to bring you any."
"No, I'll come down….Thank you…though," I said awkwardly. She was very nice for bringing me up food when she wanted me to eat in the kitchen. And I had wasted several meals now. She wasn't even mad about it.
"Of course, dear. We'll be downstairs whenever you're ready."
I got up soon after she left. I was pretty sure I looked like shit, but what else was new. I was wearing sweats and a wrinkled t-shirt so I put a hoodie on, not letting go of the picture the whole time.
When I got to the kitchen, everyone was watching me. I didn't look at them, but I could feel it. When I sat in my usual spot, nobody said anything, just started passing out food. Spaghetti. It smelled awesome. I couldn't very well eat while gripping the picture so tightly with both hands. Rationally, I figured nobody here would have a reason to take it, unless they wanted to hurt me. What interest did they have with it? I glanced around, making sure nobody was eyeing it and shoved it in the sweatshirt's front pocket, holding on with my left hand and eating with the right.
The rest of the family chatted and pretended I wasn't the crazed misfit that I was and I appreciated it because it meant I didn't have to talk. The Cullens were good at that. Pretending that nothing was wrong. That was okay with me.
After dinner, somebody invited me into the living room to watch TV, but I was ready to be back in my room. Once there, I locked the door again and got out my other picture, pleased to find that it was still in the same spot.
Where to put it? I couldn't put it in a book or anything on the bookshelf. What if somebody borrowed something? The closet was out too, Alice might go in there. She had stocked it the first time she could do it again.
I finally settled on under the mattress. Who would look there? How often was it that somebody would want to move this mattress? I decided it was as good a spot as any.
I took a shower. I locked that door too and then kept opening the shower door to make sure my picture was still on the counter where I left it.
After, I looked at my face in the mirror again. It was weird doing that again. After the first time, it wasn't such a shock or as hard but it still was uncomfortable.
I needed to shave. I was beyond the point of being a little prickly. I didn't like it, but that was probably because I had never had it this long before. I ran my hand over my jaw, feeling it. It was weird. When I started growing facial hair, James started shaving it himself. Later he made me do it, usually watching. I could tell he hated it. It disgusted him. He was really mad when he first saw it. I didn't know why he was so mad, how I was supposed to stop it?
I did shave now though, and it was nice to know that it was my choice. I did it because I felt like doing it. He wasn't standing over me. Carlisle didn't yell at me or ask me why I hadn't. It was a much less stressful process.
I fell asleep looking at my parents that night. It felt amazing to know that they would still be there in the morning for me to see again.
Thursday, November 25th
I was confused this morning. I heard noises downstairs that were…unusual. Looking at the clock, it was well past nine. Emmett and Alice should be at school. Yet there was too much noise for just Esme.
When I made my way cautiously downstairs, I found that all four of them were in the kitchen. Esme was cooking. So was Alice. I could see Alice rolling some type of dough.
"Good morning, sweetie. Happy Thanksgiving." Esme said happily.
"Happy Thanksgiving, Edward!" Alice told me.
I hadn't even realized it was a holiday. That was probably rude or something. I muttered a 'thanks' and returned the greeting, trying to play it like I wasn't totally clueless. I don't think they bought it.
I went and sat by Emmett with my back to the wall, able to observe the entire scene this way. I was surprisingly comfortable around Emmett still. I always sat by him at meals and I was definitely more uncomfortable around Carlisle, even though Emmett was clearly the bigger physical threat. I guessed it was his joking manner, but who really knew.
He was eating a cinnamon roll, just like the one Esme set down in front of me not thirty seconds later.
"Yeah, I wouldn't remember either except for we don't have school so…hard to forget," Emmett told me, his food stuffed in the side of his cheek. He swallowed and continued. "You're in for a treat by the way; I hope you're hungry today because it's pretty much nonstop eating until you pass out."
"Oh that's lovely. Not all of us overeat so much, Emmett," Alice pointed out.
"That's enough, you two. Emmett, do you have any plans with Rosalie later today?" Who was that? Girlfriend, I assumed, although I hadn't heard of her before.
"Nah. She's at a family thing Portland. Gone all weekend." He didn't exactly sound that upset about this, I wondered if I had assumed incorrectly.
"Alice, what about Jasper?"
But instead, Emmett answered that too. "Mom, please, Alice is not doing anything with Jasper. That's gross." Alice made an offended gasping noise.
"Emmett…" Esme scolded.
"I heard he was going to ask me out Emmett, so if I want to go somewhere with him, I can. Mom and Dad said it was fine and you aren't the boss of me," she said, sticking out her tongue.
"Uh huh. Well I know Jasper and I know that he would never do that. He's like two years older than you anyway. It's illegal."
"Only one. He's just barely eighteen and I'm sixteen. It's not that bad. And it's definitely not illegal."
"Yeah, well if he knows what's good for him…"
"Okay that's enough. Let's just have a nice day hmm? Edward, we'll eat around two or so. We usually don't have anything else planned for the day, just relaxing, you know?" Esme told me. I wasn't sure if that meant I had to be present down here all day or if I could go upstairs and 'relax.'
As it turned out, the day really was pretty relaxing. I spent some time downstairs and some up, it was pretty laid back.
I took a shower and put nicer clothes on, figuring it was a holiday and they might want me to look presentable.
I hadn't celebrated a holiday since I was eight, so it was a little awkward. I never remember anything especially exciting happening on thanksgiving. I mean, we always had a big meal of course, but that was about it. What else is there? Christmas was exciting for the presents and such, but Thanksgiving was just a meal with my parents. At least that's all I remembered. I hoped the Cullens didn't do something I didn't know about.
I felt like I was intruding when I came back downstairs. Esme was still in the kitchen, filling glasses with ice. The rest of the family's noise was coming from the dining room. I had never seen anyone use the big table in there before.
Esme gave me an encouraging smile and asked me to carry two of the glasses. I waited for her to go first, then followed her into the dining room.
There was a lot of food. I was too nervous to actually be hungry, but some looked so good I'm sure I could give it a shot.
Before we started eating though, they did do something to surprise me. They prayed. I hadn't taken them for particularly religious people, and Thanksgiving wasn't a religious holiday, right? But I went with it.
They all bowed their heads and folded their hands. I just watched, hoping they didn't expect me to say anything. Carlisle said some type of memorized little blurb about daily bread before Esme continued.
"Thank you for giving us this family. Thank you for being with us in all our joys and sorrows, for comfort in our sadness, your companionship in our loneliness. Thank you for friends, for health and grace. May we live this and every day conscious of all that has been given to us."
I didn't know if she had made that up on the spot or if it was memorized too. It was less obvious. I didn't agree with a word of it and to be honest, I was disappointed that she did. God wasn't here. Maybe he was with them, but he wasn't anywhere near me and I thought it was ridiculous.
The urge to get up and leave the table ran through me, but I resisted. They could think what they wanted.
Like usual, I didn't say much during the meal. They chatted and tried to include me a few times but I just wasn't in a talkative mood.
Towards the end of the meal, Esme got back around to be grateful. She reached out and put a hand over my wrist. I swallowed hard, waiting for her to move it.
"I think we're all grateful for the same thing this year." She patted my hand. I looked up at her face. She was giving me a kind look, one that was a little sad but didn't show pity exactly, more like relief.
"We're all very happy that you're safe and here with us now, Edward."
I wanted to appreciate the kind words but it was hard to see past the awkwardness. It was just really difficult for me to be happy about things like that because it was like pointing a big arrow towards my head. Hi, the outcast is this way, type arrow. She didn't have to say that shit to Emmett. I understood we were completely different, but it hurt to know that I would always be worthy of such gratefulness. I didn't like the attention and I just wanted to blend.
My face went red at her attention and I tried to give her a 'thank you' smile but I could only feel my face grimace. Well, I tried.
That night, in my room, I thought about her prayer.
Maybe she said it because she thought it applied to me. I'm sure she knew I had experienced sorrow, sadness, and loneliness. I was happy for her if she could ease her own feelings by telling herself some god was with her, but I just couldn't do it.
When I was little, my parents didn't exactly raise me to be religious, but we did go to church on Easter and Christmas. My mom was raised catholic. An eight year old didn't really have time for big philosophy thinking, so I guess I was still undecided in whether or not I believed in god.
The question answered itself in the next eight years though. Obviously, if their god had let me be locked alone in that room with that man doing those unspeakable things to me, I didn't want him to be my god. No being that let that happen deserved to be worshipped.
It didn't matter anyway though. God wasn't for me. If he was there, he wasn't on my side, and if he wasn't, I would never want to waste my time pretending he would help me. So it didn't matter either way.
I hoped there was no god. I was scared of him.
I never thought it was my fault, what happened to me. But at the same time, I had to think about it logically. I couldn't accept that I was just a random choice. What are the chances that out of all the people in the world-forget the world-all the people in Seattle even, I was the one he would take. It was like crazy odds. No, there was a reason he took me. Something about me made it happen to my family. It was like I was born for it to happen to me. It was my fate. Fate can't be my fault. At least that's what I told myself.
When I was somewhere around twelve years old, I decided that I wanted out. I wanted out like my parents got out. I was jealous of them. Why did I have to stick around and live through this? I wasn't exactly an expert on killing myself though, so I did the only thing I could. I stopped eating. James didn't care at first. Thought it was funny even. He said that if I didn't even want food, why had he been wasting his money on me this whole time? He just wouldn't feed me.
After five or six days, I was weak but not that close to actually dying. James caught on to what I was doing though and started trying to force me to eat. I threw up anything he got down. What could he do? Bring me to a hospital? I didn't think so.
Over nine days without eating and he started to panic. He played the only card he had left.
"Go ahead. Die. You think it really matters to me? You're replaceable. If you aren't around I'll just go and get me another kid. Nobody ever came for you, I'm sure another kid would be just as easy. They probably won't cause me as much trouble either."
He left me a sandwich and a glass of water and went to work after that. Unfortunately for me, he was right. I was already a wasted life. If I took the easy way out, he would just get another boy and ruin his life. Would he kill his parents too? I had to suffer through this for as long as I could. It would save someone else. It was selfish to get out now. So after rolling over and crawling to the desk, I ate the sandwich, crying the whole time.
After that, it became a tiny bit easier for a while. I felt like I had some type of purpose.
EMPOV
Thursday, November 25th
I loved Rosalie. I did. She was beautiful. She was smart and good with cars and I couldn't think of a positive feature she didn't have. She was perfect. The girl everybody wanted, and I had.
I was Emmett Cullen. Sport star, heading for Stanford, the son of a doctor, and the popular guy everybody wanted to be friends with.
We just went together. Emmett Cullen and Rosalie Hale. It was expected, and it worked. We got along well, our families liked each other, and we loved each other.
So why couldn't I be happy with that. I was impatient, unsure of myself, and recently found myself finding reasons to avoid her. I cared so much about her, yet I didn't want her like that anymore. I knew I would always love her, we had been friends since middle school, and nothing could erase the memories we had made for each other.
The problem was this. Somehow, between chasing her at recess in 6th grade and the first time we slept together after Homecoming last year, I had gotten in way over my head. I don't think I ever meant it to go that far. It just seemed like what was supposed to happen.
I don't remember the moment my thoughts went from a platonic friendship with the girl in my gym class to actually liking her. I just went with it.
Now, as I sat and watched Edward Masen sit on our family's couch and pretend to watch football, I realized I didn't think I ever did have that moment.
A bad feeling was creeping into my gut. A feeling that I had been surprising for years now. It was like one of those things that you keep ignoring until it goes away. Well, I felt it coming back now, and I didn't want it.
But it didn't feel the same as last time. This time, the oh shit not me feeling was mixed in with guilt. I had been lying to Rosie for years. She thought I loved her- like that- because I had told her that I did. Shown her even.
What if I didn't love her like that? What if I loved someone else? Someone very different from her?
How did I get myself into this mess? And why did my parents have to take in Edward Masen?