The same mind numbing routine. I barely focused on what I was doing. Most of the time, I was left alone in that room; left with my guilty thoughts, running through my head. I lost all sense of reason and off time. It was bad enough not being able to fully remember my life but to not exactly be present as well. It was like I had no control over my body.

I felt empty on the inside with no sense of real purpose. Causing that storm gave me a thrill; I really enjoyed watching the destruction I had caused but why did I feel so bad as well? Those people were bad right? But then why did I feel deep down that they weren't and ignorance was their only sin.

I could not tell when the voices started again though this time it was different, it wasn't others thoughts that I was hearing, that I knew for sure. I felt as though I was losing my grip on reality. They whispered horrible misdeeds to me and somehow I felt as though I was at fault. All the pain and suffering they felt, I felt. It consumed me, taking over whatever sane part of me was left.

*

Lying in cold, scented water, staring at the many scars that were upon my body, I thought of what could have happened before. As I traced my hands along them, flashes appeared to me, showing me their stories. Terrible scenes flashed before me, of death, of killing, all around me death and gore. It disgusted me that a same part of me, deep inside, enjoyed it; the thrill of the adventure and the adrenaline of the fights. Pain rippled through my body, reminding me of all the suffering I had caused. Shouting, which sounded so far away yet, was so near, reached my ears. I rose out of the bone chilling water, seeking warmth and comfort from my nightgown. The pain was growing too much. New cuts appeared on my arms. They seemed familiar like old friends. Old wounds opened up again, blood soaking through the gown. Too much blood was being lost. The pain resided into numbness. I knew I deserved this for my past deeds. Not even the sound and smell of the burning door could pull me back, I was too far gone. The feeling of warmth brought me back. I slowly became aware of him in front of me. Always there to drag me back, I thought bitterly as I slipped into unconsciousness.

*

The voices woke me up. Whispering me to get up, telling me about my failure. I didn't need reminding how worthless I was; I already knew. The voices were getting louder and angrier; telling me to get up, to move. A chill spread up my back as I felt hands pull me up but I didn't see anything. My heart raced wildly as my fear increased. I wondered where they were trying to lead me to. I was dragged out of the bed and moved towards the solid oak door. I stood in front of it; apparently they were expecting me to open it. They wouldn't allow me to move until I did. They pushed me along through the never ending corridors until we reached some stairs. They forced me up countless stairs. I couldn't take climbing up them all. Breathing became increasingly difficult but they never slowed down the pace; they made me carry on. Finally we reached the roof. It was then I realised what the voices had in mind and I agreed with them. I was no good to anyone anymore. People would be better off if I was gone. Then I won't bring chaos to the world and hurt innocent people. All I ever seem to do is hurt, maim and kill. They guided me slowly towards the edge as I thought it through until I stood at the very edge. They were leaving the choice to me but they knew already what my answer would be. Things would be better without me. I was just too unstable. I put my hand against the swell of my belly. Regret and guilt filled me; I would never get to know my child and it wasn't their fault they were conceived and were dangerous but it had to be done.

The winds began picking up around me and the clouds began to darken. Heavy rain began to fall all around me as the whipped my louse hair about. I leant over, about to step off the rooftop when someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.

"What do you think you are doing?" he said as he pulled me further away from the edge. I tried to resist his clasp but I wasn't strong enough.

"I just wanted the pain to end"

"Sshh, things will get better and I will stop the pain", he replied stroking my face. With each stroke my body relaxed and my mind became clouded. I felt my body being picked up and carried away. All the time, looking up onto his face and then beyond it, not really thinking anything. No more pain.

******