EPOV
So as it turned out, Emmett teaching me to drive in the living room was actually pretty entertaining. Or fun, maybe. I don't know, but I didn't hate it.
As we settled in on the couch in front of the big TV, he explained that there were several 'phases' he planned to take me through before deeming me acceptable to learn in a real car. First, he gave me a lesson on your basic video game controller, what buttons did what and which toggle thing to use when. Once I thought I had that down, he demonstrated with a 'basic driving game'. I couldn't decide if I was supposed to watch the screen or his hands, so much was happening with both it was hard to keep up with.
When he passed it over to me, I saw what he meant when he said I had to learn by experience, not just watching. I did my best to keep the red cartoon car I was supposedly controlling on the road, but needless to say I ran into a lot of things, water, buildings, trees, light poles, and animals just to name a few. Luckily, the car just bounced of them and righted itself on the road, ready for me to direct it again.
Once I had mastered that game, we moved onto a more lifelike game. It was in a city type setting, with stop lights, other cars on the road and people walking on the sidewalk. Besides the fact that Emmett had to steal a car for me to practice with, it seemed much more realistic. When I hit stuff, the car was actually damaged and in one particularly nasty accident, the car burst into flames. Emmett told me not to worry about it and got me another one.
I was focusing pretty hard because Emmett assured me that this was a skill all teenagers should have. I didn't even notice when Alice came into the room to watch. She giggled when Emmett started encouraging me to go faster and I ran off a bridge.
Surprisingly, I was actually having a good time. I didn't mind that people were watching me. I stayed focused on mastering different skills in the game, and Emmett seemed pretty happy with my progress.
Emmett was in the process of putting in a new game when Esme came down the stairs. She hadn't mentioned what I witnessed earlier and I didn't think Carlisle told her I was eavesdropping, although I was sure he would.
"What's going on down here?" she asked sounding pretty cheerful, despite her upset earlier.
"Emmett's teaching Edward how to drive," Alice told her, clearly amused.
"Oh no. Emmett, please tell me that's not true."
"Sorry Mom, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. He has to learn sometime," Emmett told her while pulling out a steering wheel from the big cabinet underneath the TV system. My eyes widened. I had no idea such things existed for games.
"Yes, but I don't think video games are the best way to go about that… I've seen your games, you seem to be crashing or shooting more than anything else."
"We're not crashing or shooting, I promise," Emmett told her, rolling his eyes at her worry. "Well, a few crashes, but not on purpose. He's learning."
"Edward," she addressed me and I looked at her, afraid she was going to make me stop. "Don't take anything he says too seriously, okay? Carlisle will teach you in a real car." She said it with clear amusement in her voice this time. I was glad she approved of my activities somewhat, and that she still thought it was a possibility for me to learn in a real car.
Emmett not only set me up with a steering where but also a break and gas pedal. I was still pretty bad at this new set up when Esme called us all in for dinner.
As I walked into the kitchen, Alice spoke to me, a rarity even though she did do a lot of talking around me. I probably wasn't the most approachable person. "Maybe we can go and get our temps together."
"What?" I didn't know what that meant. Temps?
"You have to go take a written test at the DMV and then they give you a temporary license until you turn 16, or until you have had it for 6 months. Then you can go take the real driving test and get your license. When you have your temps you have to have someone in the car teaching you how to drive," she explained.
"Yes, and that person isn't allowed to be Emmett," Esme said in a warning tone, more directed at him than me. He made a 'mhmm' noise before asking her if we could eat.
Having had a pretty busy day, I headed up to my room after dinner instead of sitting with Esme and Carlisle and watching TV when they invited me. They didn't seem upset, but if I learned anything today it was that they were much better at hiding emotions than I was.
I had slept that morning, so I wasn't really tired yet. Something Emmett said yesterday snuck back into my head though and I was intrigued by it. Googling myself. He seemed to think it was a big deal, while I had never even considered it.
Hesitantly, I picked my computer up and went to the couch in my room. I opened it for the first time since Dr. Garrison had used it to show me pictures.
While the term googling was unfamiliar to me, my limited computer knowledge was enough to enable me to get to Google. That and the fact that it was already on a button at the top of the screen. When I got to the right page, I hesitated. Did I really want to do this? I could see something I didn't want to see.
Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me and I decided nothing could be worse than what actually happened, so I typed 'Edward Masen' into the little box. I pressed the 'search' button and waited for the page to load. It didn't take nearly long enough.
The first thing I noticed was the pictures. A line of seven or eight of them lay below several lines of blue and black type. The house, police officers in front of it, pictures of James and Carlisle, and my picture of me and my parents were all ones I recognized, but there were also a few I didn't. There was a young man in a military uniform and another of a man in a blue suit and tie standing outside of a large fancy looking building on some steps. Who were those people and what did they have to do with me? I clicked on the one of the man in the suit. After skimming the information under the picture, I learned that he was worked for the state and was "prosecuting" James.
Clicking on the blue arrow at the top, I got back to the first page and clicked on the military picture. I was shocked to learn that it was James. It was a picture of him in the army when he was 18. The caption said that he was discharged at 21. How had I not known any of that? I lived with him for 8 years and he never mentioned that? How? I looked at the picture again and tried to see James in it. He was there, but just barely. He looked happy in this picture, something I had never seen. Sure he smirked and laughed, but it wasn't with happiness. This picture looked like a completely different man. I didn't want to look at it anymore. It confused me.
Going back to the main list again, I read some of the underlined titles. They pretty much all had my name in them, which was shocking enough, but when paired with terms like victim, terror, captivity, kidnap, and abduction, I was feeling dizzy by just reading the titles.
The first story I clicked on had a school picture from 3rd grade with the title 'A Stolen Life' above it. The first few sentences described the scene the police must have found at my house after I left. My dead parents, my body not found, the car gone. I skipped ahead, not needing to read about that to know what happened.
Edward, now a 16 year old boy, has been isolated from the outside world during crucial developmental years. As expected, a nurse who treated him shortly after his release describes his as being "like a small child. He was quiet, obviously afraid of authority figures and not wanting to cause any trouble. He didn't know what to do in a new place, was terrified of the unknown surroundings and reacted violently when startled."
I frowned, wondering which one of the wonderful nurses had said that about me. I opened a new article, irritated already.
I was shocked to find much of the same with the next several clicks. One article said I should be treating this situation like a business transaction, apparently there was much money to be made here and if I didn't do it, someone else would. Another claimed that I should be put in a mental health facility, clearly unable to deal with the trauma of my life's events on my own and any family willing to take in such a damaged child was doing it for greed based reasons. A magazine had already claimed that I had promised my first interview to them and they were waiting for my call.
All of these articles were a strange combination of lies and truth. They seemed to have small snippets of truth, which were exaggerated and twisted around until they found a more interesting story.
A part of me wanted to be upset about what I read, but it didn't matter much to me. What difference did it make? They could say what they wanted, it didn't change the truth of my life. The truth was still worse than all of the things they had said. They didn't know details and never would, because I would never tell anyone.
Emmett already told me that he didn't believe anything that was put on the internet. If he didn't believe it, then I doubted anyone that mattered to me would, and that was all that I cared about.
I closed the laptop, disappointed at what I found but not interested in looking for anything better. I was glad I looked, just to satisfy my curiosity.
I wondered if there were other people like me. That had been taken. All of the people that talked about me acted like they knew what to expect. Had it already happened to someone else and they were waiting for a repeat from me? It was probably best that I didn't know about anyone else like me. I didn't want to know what bad things were ahead for me.
Friday, December 3rd
This morning, I came down for breakfast like usual, but Esme wasn't there. She must have been upstairs still. Nobody else was around, and I saw something on the counter that wasn't there the night before. Taking a closer look, I saw a cell phone and a wallet. Not unusual by themselves, but there was a note next to them that made my knees buckle.
Edward- It's about time that you had both of these. The family's numbers are all already programed into the phone. Feel free to use what's inside of the wallet.
Opening the smooth brown wallet with shaking fingers, I found a black card sticking out from one of the slots. Pulling it out, I saw that it had my name on it. A credit card? Further inspecting the wallet, I found a stack of bills inside the main compartment.
What did they think I was going to spend so much money on? I didn't need these things. They were far too generous. It was overwhelming. I would be much too nervous carrying this around.
Picking up the phone, I saw that it looked much like Emmett's, which I had used the other day to text Esme. I couldn't imagine why I would need this either. It wasn't like I went a lot of places, and I would never go anywhere alone, would I?
Turning back to the note, I saw the last words of the message.
Enjoy. – Carlisle
I had a quiet morning after that, which was a good thing, because I was anticipating a busy afternoon and evening.
Yesterday, Esme had asked me if I wanted to try and meet Emmett's friends. I had already thought about it because Emmett brought it up, so she was surprised when I agreed so readily. I didn't think I would have a problem if I could stay in the house with them. In any case, I tried to make Esme believe that it wouldn't be a big deal. I wasn't sure if she bought it, but she agreed that they could come over.
But first I had my session with Dr. Garrison. She had kindly given me a day to recover from the police interview, but I was afraid she would make me pay for it today. Surely she would have more questions for me that I was tired of answering. I wanted to forget about it, I doubted she would let me do that.
When we were settled into Carlisle's office that afternoon, my prediction came true.
"How did you feel the interview went?"
"It was fine," I said. My lack of eye contact with the doctor probably gave her a more truthful answer.
"I thought you did a great job."
"Can we talk about something else?" If I had to go over the whole thing again I think I would lose it.
"Well what would you like to talk about then?" Why did we always come back to that question? Obviously I didn't want to talk about anything, why did she keep asking me? I gave her a look and shrugged.
"Well that was my topic, so if you want a different one, you have to come up with it on your own," she said a little smugly.
I sighed and leaned my head against the back of the chair, looking at the ceiling. This lady was exhausting sometimes.
"I looked myself up. On the internet, I mean."
"Did you?" I looked back at her. She did not look very surprised, as I expected her to be.
I nodded.
"Were you surprised?"
I shook my head this time.
"Did the things you read bother you?"
I shook my head again, looking away again. I could feel her still looking at me though.
"What did you want to talk about then?" When I shrugged again, she stopped asking, just waiting for me to get to my point, I guess.
I hesitated now, not sure if I wanted to continue. It wasn't very logical, telling the shrink my worries about being crazy, while I was probably supposed to be convincing her otherwise, but who else would I tell?
"They all think…they say stuff like I'm crazy, or…I don't know."
"That worries you? What people on the internet think about you?" I scrunched my eyebrows, thinking about her words.
Was that so unreasonable? I only knew a handful of people in this world, and those people didn't seem to think I was insane, but maybe they were faking it. Maybe everyone is lying to me and the majority of people who don't know me, they could be the ones telling the truth.
"I don't care that they think stuff about me…but how do I know who's right?"
"You're worried that you might actually be crazy?" she asked, rather directly.
"How could I not be? I'm not like other people."
"Edward… you're far from the first person to wonder that. I'm not inside your thoughts, but I would imagine you wonder that because you see people around you that haven't had a life like yours. Your reactions and emotions are different from theirs. That doesn't mean yours are wrong, or any less sane than anyone else's. Your situation is unique. How you deal with it is up to you, and it can in no way be wrong, because it's how you feel."
If I can't be wrong, then why do I have to see her? Why did they want me to take drugs, or try to change the way I act? Obviously if they wanted me to behave differently, there was something wrong with the way I was doing it.
"But I'm just not normal…" I told her, confused. If there was nothing wrong with me, why does everyone assume there is, why was she here, why couldn't I do regular things?
"What is normal? Who is your model person for that definition?"
I rolled my eyes but saw her point. Not everyone could be the same, but clearly, I was not normal. She couldn't deny that.
"I don't know, I'm just not."
"I don't think anyone faults you for not being an average teenager right now. There is no average mold you could fit into. You're the only person that's gone through your situation."
I was tired of having a situation. Something that people had to vaguely reference to because it was too awful or awkward to bring up. It was my life, not a situation.
"I think with time, you will realize that you're not so different from other people your age. Your past will not decide your future. Eventually, it will have less and less of an impact on your everyday life. Underneath, you're just a teenage boy. What happened to you isn't who you are, Edward. You're free to decide that for yourself now."
She gave me a minute to think about it, but it didn't matter. Whatever she said, I knew this would always be me. I would never forget. That man had altered me on some other level where it was permanent and I couldn't take it back. It was too late to fix it.
"You don't believe me, do you?" she asked with a hint of amusement in her voice. I shook my head automatically. No point in lying.
"You will, one day." It was impossible to believe that.
"You're going to meet Emmett's friends tonight?"
I shrugged, trying to downplay my nerves.
"I think that will be good for you. Try not to focus so much on your differences, okay? Just have some fun."
I smirked. That wasn't an easy as it sounded.
"Are you nervous?"
"I don't know. A little. Yeah. It's just been a long time since I've had to meet people. I don't want to do something weird."
"It's something new for you, so it's understandable to be nervous. Just remember that if you're uncomfortable, you can always excuse yourself for a while, come back later and try again. You don't have to have a perfect experience the first shot. It may take some time." I nodded, already having thought of that.
"Emmett said some of them wouldn't know who I was." She waited for a question. "Do you think that's true?"
"I don't know his friends, but I don't think he would have lied about that, do you?"
"No I mean, wouldn't they figure it out? I don't think he told them, but what happens when they meet me and realize who I am?"
"If they don't know, I doubt they will figure it out unless you tell them."
"But what if they do?"
"Then they know," she said, shrugging. "If you want them to be your friends, you should be honest with them eventually anyway. And if they are worthy of your friendship, they won't care what happened in your past."
"But they will," I insisted.
"Has anybody you've met cared so far?" I shrugged, not knowing what they truly thought of me.
"Emmett knows the basics of what happened, right?" I nodded, he did know about James at least. Hopefully that was all he would ever know. "Okay, so do you think he's changed his opinion of you based on that?"
"I guess not. I don't know."
"Give these people a chance, they might surprise you. Try to have an open mind at least, okay?"
It was hard to do that, sitting on the Cullen's couch later, waiting for Emmett's girlfriend to arrive. I was feeling very defensive already, thinking up responses to imaginary accusations.
Emmett didn't seem much calmer. He was sitting across from me, fidgeting and sneaking glances at me every few seconds. Was he worried I would embarrass him? But he insisted several times he wanted me to meet them.
Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend, was going to get here soon, and after that a Bella, Jake and Jasper would be coming. Esme and Carlisle were upstairs, Alice was around here somewhere, and they were going to order pizza again later for dinner. It seemed a lot like a normal night for a teenager, except that Emmett and I were both sitting here fidgeting and awkward.
I had a view of the window when a little red car pulled up, parking out of sight again. I looked at Emmett, only to see that he was looking at me. I didn't understand why he seemed so nervous. I gave him a small smile, trying to show that I was okay, and if I was okay, he surely should be too.
I thought Emmett would get up to get the door, but he didn't. He just stared at me, looking a little bit confused or something. I raised my eyebrows, wondering what he was waiting for. Just when I was starting to become uncomfortable under his gaze, he shook his head and stood up abruptly. Before he got to the door, it opened and a very tall, very confident looking girl walked in. She was smiling widely, her long blonde hair down around her face.
As the door shut, I watched her and Emmett's interaction. She was smiling the whole time as he held his arms out for her, she walked into them, and their lips met. The kiss was short, but the look she gave him after told me enough. She was very happy with him.
When Emmett took her hand and turned around, leading her back over to the couches and me, he was looking down and his face was a little red.
"Edward, this is Rosalie. Rose, this is Edward," Emmett said, waving his hand to each of us.
They both sat on the couch, their hands joined on Emmett's lap.
"Hi Edward," she smiled. After I returned her greeting, I realized she knew. She knew. I wondered what she thought about me. It was one thing meeting adults, but people my age might be a little freer with what they thought and said about me. I wondered if she would leave and talk about me with her other friends.
She seemed pretty casual though, so I wondered if I was making a bigger deal about it than I thought.
"Finally. Emmett's been all mysterious about you, like you're a secret," she laughed. I tried to smile a little and nod, hopefully an acceptable reaction as I had nothing to say after that. I was a secret, sort of. I still hadn't decided if that was a good thing.
"So you like it here so far?" she asked as she toed off her shoes and pulled her feet up onto the couch and tucked them underneath her legs. She seemed very comfortable here, more comfortable than I was, and I lived here.
"Uh, yeah. It's great." She didn't look like she believed me, but it was the best I could do.
"So who else is coming?" she asked Emmett, looking away from me for what felt like the first time since she walked in.
"Bella and Jake will be here soon and Jasper said he was coming, I don't know where he is though."
"Is Alice here?" she asked, hinting at something I didn't get.
Emmett glared at her and she snickered. "Yes," he said shortly. "She is upstairs, where she will stay."
"Mhmm…" she smiled, glancing at me. When she caught my eye again she winked, amused. I was sorting out what that meant and why it made me so uncomfortable when there was another knock at the door. Emmett got up and let two more people in.
The first was a really tall guy, I mean a good 4 inches taller than Emmett tall, with long black hair tied behind his head. He had darker, tanned skin and I had to admit to myself that he was a bit intimidating. Despite his friendly smile, he looked like he could be dangerous. He was pulling a girl in behind him. As soon as they were both in the door, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, clearly being very protective of her.
She didn't seem bothered by it. The girl herself was small, smaller than Rosalie but taller than Alice, with long brown hair and another friendly smile. She looked a little nervous though, and I wondered if that was because of me or if something else had her agitated. Her eyes found me immediately and she blushed and looked down when she realized I was already looking at her.
"Edward, this is Jacob Black and Bella Swan," Emmett told me as he ushered them in and shut the door again.
Despite the fact that the guy intimidated me a little, I had to admit he seemed nice enough as he walked over to me, held out his hand for me to shake and said, "Hey it's nice to meet you Edward."
I nodded, shaking his large hand and said it back, feeling awkward as he pulled Bella down on the couch next to me and wrapped an arm around her again, pulling her close enough she was basically in his lap.
Between them and Emmett and Rosalie, I was starting to feel a little out of place. I didn't realize all of these people were together.
Conversation was a little forced for a few minutes, they were obviously not sure what to say to include me in the conversation, but after a little while, they stopped trying to force me to participate and just talked about other stuff. They talked about football until Bella made them change the topic out of apparent boredom, and then they talked about their classes and what they were going to do on Christmas break. It was fun to listen to them banter back and forth. They obviously knew each other well and were very comfortable together. I was wondering how long they had all been friends when a question from Jacob distracted me.
"So where did they find you at?" I froze, wondering what on earth I should read into that. Maybe he was just trying to make light of the whole foster care thing, but it was an odd way to ask where I was from.
"Jake!" Bella scolded him, smacking his arm.
"What? I was just asking…" I glanced at Emmett, wondering if Jacob truly didn't know anything about me or if he was acting.
Emmett's eyes were a little wide, looking about as startled as I felt but the abrupt topic change.
"Ignore him Edward," Bella told me.
"No, it's okay. I'm from Seattle." Technically that is where they found me.
"Oh, cool, that's where Emmett's from, right?" he asked Emmett, looking back over at him. I had never heard anything else about Emmett's past other than when he told me he was adopted.
"Yeah," he said shortly, obviously not wanting to go into it any deeper.
"Me and Rose are both from Forks, but Bella's from Phoenix," he told me matter of factly. I nodded, not sure what he wanted me to say to that. I knew Phoenix was the capital of Arizona from my studying, but I didn't have anything intelligent to say about it.
"You're not from Forks," Rose told him.
"Fine, I'm from almost Forks, happy?" he shot back. She smirked but explained.
"Jake lives in La Push, it's the reservation here. His Dad makes him go to school there instead of with us." Reservation?
There was another knock on the door, thankfully again interrupting this conversation. This time a guy came in alone. He was also pretty tall but skinnier than the other two guys in the room with blond curly hair. He too shook my hand and introduced himself as Jasper before stiffly sitting down on the armchair. He was looking uncomfortable, his eyes darting from Emmett to the stairs several times. It was nice to know that whatever issues they had didn't involve me and something was awkward without my input. Nice change of pace.
Shortly after his arrival, Emmett started drilling Jasper on what he had been doing lately, something Rosalie found very amusing.
"It'll be nice having Edward around, won't it? Now you're not the only single guy," Emmett told him, rather bluntly. Emmett was staring at him, waiting for an answer to the unusual question.
Japer looked a little bit scared. He nodded slowly while looking away from Emmett's glare.
After a tense silence, Jacob started laughing, throwing his head back onto the couch cushion behind him. Bella and Rosalie both chuckled a little, but Emmett did not look amused. I hadn't realized how stiff the atmosphere had gotten. It felt much more relaxed now, even if Emmett was upset.
"Em, leave the poor guy alone. He hasn't done anything," Jacob said, exasperation laced in with his amusement. Emmett opened his mouth to respond, but Jacob continued, standing up at the same time. "I'm starving, can we get something to eat?"
Everyone else followed his lead, standing and heading towards the kitchen. I noticed Jasper was the first one out of the room. Once he was gone, Emmett visibly relaxed and looked over at me again.
Everyone had pretty much cleared out of the room, so Emmett asked, "You alright man?" I nodded, being honest for once. I was okay, surprisingly. I wasn't exactly enjoying myself, but I was observing and getting used to a group of teenagers, about the best I could expect from myself right now.
Emmett stood, walked over to me, and held his hand out, offering to help me up from the low couch. I accepted the gesture naturally, letting him pull me to my feet. I rarely touched people so casually, which I blamed for the blush on my face when he dropped my hand again.
The next few minutes were spent standing around in the kitchen, snacking and talking casually. The pizza arrived and as we started eating, I actually starting to relax a little. When Alice came downstairs, claiming to have smelled the food, things got tense again. Luckily, Bella and Jacob drew me into their conversation while Emmett and Jasper glared at each other over the tiny girl in the kitchen.
"So how long have you been here?" he asked me again, looking confused as if trying to figure me out.
"A few weeks…" I said vaguely, not wanting him to come up with more specific questions.
"Oh, I had no idea. Emmett has been gone a lot lately, but he didn't say anything about you until a few days ago. I'm surprised he didn't bring you to meet us already."
I just shrugged, pretending to not know why either.
"So you don't go to school with them yet?" he pressed.
"No," I hedged, wishing he would drop the inquisition before someone figured it out.
"But, why?"
"Jake, he just doesn't, okay?" Bella snapped suddenly, making both of us look towards her. Her eyes widened a little and she looked surprised at herself. She muttered a halfhearted apology before glancing towards me again.
And in that moment, I saw it. She knew. She knew who I was, where I came from, and why I was so different from everybody else here. I saw it in her eyes. Pity. It explained why she was acting weirder than the rest of them around me, she knew and they didn't.
I didn't know if she had figured it out because she has put the pieces together or if someone had told her, but I had a feeling she already knew when she walked in. I guess it didn't matter.
I felt my face redden before I glanced back at Jacob. He still looked confused. Clearly nobody had let him in on the secret yet. I wasn't going to either, so he could be confused for all I cared.
The rest of the evening was a bit of a daze for me. I heard them talk and laugh, and eventually we moved back into the living room and settled in around the TV. Somebody put a movie in and I didn't have to pay attention anymore, which was nice.
I had hoped that tonight would bring me some sense of what normal was like. It had, in a way, but it had also made me realize I didn't want to know what normal was like. I didn't have it, and the feeling it left in my gut when I realized this was not a good one. Jealousy raged in me, yet again, because of what they had and what I was missing.
When everyone was settled in and focused on the TV, I finally felt comfortable enough to look around at the people in the room with me. Everybody seemed so peaceful…so happy. Bella was sitting on Jacob's lap, her head resting in the crook of his neck. His hand was twirling the end of her hair around his fingertips. Jasper and Alice were sitting together, not quite touching, but close enough that I'm sure they could feel each other. Every once in a while I saw Jasper sneak a glance down at the girl.
When my eyes fell upon Emmett and Rosalie, I couldn't stop another wave of jealousy roll through my stomach. His legs were stretched out with his feet resting on the coffee table, as he often was when relaxing in front of the TV. But now, he had his girlfriend under his arm, with her head resting on his shoulder and his head leaned back against the top of hers. They looked very casual, so comfortable with each other. Nothing was questioned, they just were there.
I felt a little sick watching them and I didn't understand why. While I had long accepted the fact that I was jealous of other people's lives, it was something further when I looked at Emmett. I felt like I was just seeing this new side of him and the boy I had been so comfortable with wasn't really who I thought he was. This was him. I just couldn't be a part of it, so he changed it when I was there.
I was staring for way too long, I knew that, but I couldn't quite bring myself to look away from the young couple. Rosalie looked so happy. She just fit with him. But it didn't seem all the way….right.
Suddenly, Emmett's eyes shot to mine. I had been caught doing something weird, and as a part of me worried he would say something about it, confront me in front of these new people, I knew he wouldn't. Instead, what I saw I shouldn't have been so happy about. He suddenly looked…sad, or ashamed, or something. His eyes just changed, and for a second I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was still in there. The guy I had thought was there, really was there, and the person I saw sitting on the couch, the same yet so different, was all an act.
He looked at me with a desperate edge in his eyes, almost pleading with me to…what? Understand? I didn't know what he wanted, or if there was anything I could do anyway.
After a long time and all too soon, Rosalie's hand went to Emmett's free one, and he looked away. He looked back to the TV, now holding his girlfriend's hand, and the look I thought I saw was gone. Had I imagined it?
I suddenly really didn't want to be in this room. It was still a pretty foreign concept that I didn't have to stay in this room. Sometimes I didn't even think about it, just accepted situations I didn't like because I had been trained to just deal with them. But as soon as I remembered I could simply stand up and walk away, I did so. It felt good. Making decisions was such a freeing concept. None of them would miss my presence anyway.
Once in my room, my eyes fell once more upon the cell phone and wallet Carlisle had left for me. I couldn't help but be reminded of the conversation I had overheard.
My emotions were clearly running wild today, but combined with the jealousy still lingering from downstairs, disappointment now also clouded my mind when I thought about what I had learned from eavesdropping. I wasn't disappointed with them, but me. I wanted to make someone proud of me, and even though Carlisle had told me that he was proud of me, I couldn't quite believe it. I wasn't proud of myself, how could he be?
I knew what I could do to make him at least a little bit proud, or I would even take reversing the disappointment I had caused with earlier encounters.
I looked at the orange pill bottle that I had been left with. The one containing the anxiety drugs. Did I want to take them? No. But I wanted to do something, make some progress that I could see. Dr. Garrison and my foster parents both thought that me taking these drugs would allow me to do that. Even if it didn't, I could tell them that I tried, right? That was better than the nothing I was currently doing.
So, even though it was early and there were still plenty of people downstairs whose mere presence made me edgy, I picked up the bottle, truly contemplating using one of the pills for the first time.
I stood up, locked my door, and went to the bathroom, locking that door too. I sat on the floor, feeling safe, calm, and oddly relaxed. I was okay now. After twisting and pushing the cap and then knocking out a small white pill onto my hand, I looked at it for a moment longer, before throwing it back without thinking. I continued to try to block it from my mind as I felt it go down my throat.
After the first few minutes, I allowed myself to think of the irony behind these pills. I had anxiety about taking anti-anxiety medicine. Ridiculous. When I felt like enough time had passed that the pill had likely began to dissolve and I couldn't get rid of it even if I tried, I exited the bathroom and laid down on my bed, waiting.
Waiting for what, I wasn't really sure. Surely something would happen that would let me change, let me be more like what was expected of me. I didn't know how to get there, but maybe one day it would happen. Maybe one day I could be like the people downstairs. I could be as happy as Emmett, I could learn how to be like that. Maybe.