EPOV
Saturday, December 4th
Once again, I found myself in the car with Carlisle, heading towards the hospital. I recognized how backwards it was that I had volunteered myself for this, but I really wanted to show him that I was trying. Not only that, but I wanted the other time to be a fluke. If I could do this right now, it would mean that the first time was the abnormality and I really wasn't that unstable.
If I was really honest with myself, I was not only shocked that I suggested this but I was still completely unsure if I was ready to do this again.
Last night, I had taken one of those pills. The thought just kind of came to me and I didn't think about it, I just did it. I guess on some level I had put my trust in my therapist and Carlisle, hoping their opinions were accurate.
As far as I could tell, they were. I had expected to be knocked out, to feel light headed and confused. But after about a half hour of having the pill inside me, I started to just feel relaxed. My mind sort of…slowed down. I could think about what I wanted to think about and really focus. I did get a little sleepy, but honestly I was tired already and I could probably have fought it and stayed awake. But it felt really good just being relaxed and I let my body fall into sleep. I didn't remember any of my dreams, a blessing in my book.
When I woke up, I was oddly satisfied and ready for another step. I figured the Ativan had worn off by now, and I wanted it to still be affecting me when I tried to do this, so I took another one. Again, before I had time to sit and worry about the consequences, I went down to see where Carlisle was. It was his day off, so he should be around somewhere. It was still pretty early and I hoped he wasn't asleep. Nobody was in the kitchen, so I thought I was out of luck. On my way back upstairs, I saw that his office door was cracked open and a light was coming out of the space.
Swallowing thickly, I made my way over to the door. With a deep breath, I knocked. He called that I could enter, but I suddenly froze up. I didn't want to go in there, I thought he was going to come out. He surely didn't know it was me out here, so I could probably slip away and forget about this. But I didn't move. After a minute, Carlisle appeared on the other side of the door and opened it fully.
"Edward? Is everything okay?" I nodded quickly. He nodded back, acknowledging my answer but still looking a little wary. He backed up and held his arm out to invite me into the room, but I didn't want to go. I shook my head this time, taking a step back further into the hall but didn't leave. "What can I help you with?"
I took another big breath. "I, um…I took one of those pills. You know the ones…?" I was going to describe them but he nodded, understanding already. They were the only pills he had given me to keep, so it made sense. "Yeah, well I took one. Well two. I took one last night and just now too. But I think I'm ready to go to the hospital, if you still want me to."
His eyes widened, obviously shocked at my statement. He was about to respond but I continued. "Except, I have two things…" I wasn't sure what to call them. Exceptions? Requirements? Whatever they were, I needed to say it. "I'm not going to take my clothes off, and I don't want anyone else in the room except you."
He looked surprised, and I understood. I never made demands like that. I wasn't sure if I had a right to, but I just felt like I could right now. So I did. I mean, I volunteered for this, so I should be able to say how, or else we could forget about it.
He seemed to agree, because after only a moment of hesitation, he held out his hand for me. To shake? I looked up at him, confused.
"That sounds like a deal."
I felt the tiniest twinge of a smile on my face, and I reached out and shook the man's hand.
So now here I am, starting over from where I began as I watched the hospital come into view. I tried my very best to stay calm, but there was no way I was getting through this without a little bit of nerve.
"Did you want me to park outside? Or in the garage like last time?"
"Doesn't matter," I said quickly. It really didn't. That had nothing to do with why I freaked out last time.
"Well, I think I'll park in the garage then, we can at least skip the front lobby that way." I nodded, agreeing that was a good idea. The less people I had to see, the better.
We weren't quite there yet though, so he kept talking. "So you were anxious with Emmett's friends yesterday?"
"Not really." I shrugged before adding quietly, "I don't know why I took it…."
"Esme said that you went to bed pretty early, did the meds make you very tired?"
"I guess a little bit. I was already tired though. It didn't make me tired this time."
It was quiet for a second. Carlisle entered the garage. He turned and pulled up a ramp.
"That's good, Edward. Even if you don't end up liking them, I'm glad you tried them. And if you do, you don't have to take them all the time. They're just another tool for you. It's good." He nodded, for emphasis I assumed.
I didn't answer, but he was already parking, and I was mentally preparing myself to get out.
"Ready?" he asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed a bag from the backseat. I nodded, really ready this time. I stepped out at the same time he did, and he came around the side of the car, pointing to the door we would enter.
When I did finally step inside the allusive building, I was immediately hit with a cold whoosh of air, and I wondered what was with hospitals and being freezing cold. It was December, wasn't everyone cold enough?
It might not have been the main lobby, but this floor was plenty busy. Luckily, nobody seemed to notice Carlisle and I, all having something more important to attend to. Carlisle led me to the staircase instead of the elevator right next to them. We only went up one flight though, and the stairs were completely empty, unlike the elevator which already had a crowd gathered around it. Carlisle seemed to be pretty good at anticipating where I would be uncomfortable.
Once on the third floor of the hospital, we walked down a few halls, this time with people greeting Dr. Cullen in passing. I looked down whenever this happened, not wanting to encourage them to talk to me.
Carlisle slowed down and was about to say something to me when another man, wearing a white jacket and holding a clip board called out to him from down the hall.
"Dr. Cullen! What are you doing here on your day off?"
Instead of answering him, Carlisle turned to me, blocking me from view of the other man.
"Edward, I'll be a few minutes with him. If you want to step into that room," he gestured towards a door close by that was partially open. I could see some type of exam table inside and that the light was off. It appeared to be empty. "I'll be with you in five minutes or so. You can shut the door, if you want." He nodded at me, assuring me that it was still okay. I turned and moved towards the room and Carlisle gave me a little pat on the shoulder before greeting the man who was now very close.
After I had left Carlisle's side, I rushed into the room, eager to be out of sight of the other people in the hall. I shut the door as gently as I could manage before turning the lights on.
The room was small, a counter on one wall and the cushioned table thing in the middle. There were two other chairs, a stool on wheels and a regular chair with arms. I sat in that one, not wanting to sit on the big table. That seemed silly somehow.
Once I sat I didn't want to be still anymore so I stood up again. I paced a little bit, looking at the stuff on the counter. Jars of cotton looking things and a roll of something plastic. I didn't open the cabinets, for fear of getting caught snooping. There were pictures of flowery landscapes on the walls, pretending to be cheery when I couldn't image anybody wanting to be in here. Everything else was very white and clean. I was very cold.
I tried to remember something about a doctor's visit from my past. I knew I had to have been before, but all I could remember was the horrible experience right after I was found. I was awake but everybody was talking about me but not to me and people kept touching me even though I told them not to. They took my clothes off and put one of those gown things on me. They kept moving me to different places too. I was confused enough already because I passed out in that lady's house and then the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance and there were two men standing over me. I didn't know how I got there. And then I was somewhere else, and then somewhere else, and nobody told me where I was going next. I desperately wanted to get my bearings a little, but I never had a chance.
Once I made enough noise about not wanting people to touch me, they sort of stopped. They gave me some space, but they still insisted on putting the needle in my hand and drugging me, and then putting me in that machine for my head.
I felt better this time, because I made Carlisle promise I could stay dressed and I trusted him somewhat to stop if I said stop. He hadn't forced me to come here after all, I volunteered. It made a huge difference. Wanting to instead of being forced to.
There was a knock on the door. Before I had time to panic about whether I should open it or not, Carlisle entered. He was now holding a bunch of stuff on a little tray and once of those clip boards I had seen the other doctors and nurses walking around with.
"Sorry about that. Dr. Caius needed a quick consult." He put his supplies down on the counter. I didn't look at them, not wanting to know what he had in store for me.
"You can sit. Either spot is fine." He motioned to both the table and the regular chair. I sat down again in my previous spot. He sat on the stool, staying on his side of the room. He had the clip board in his hand, resting on a knee.
"So I'd like to just do a regular check-up with you- something I would do with any teenager who came in- and then take some blood. I also would like to do your vaccines now, if that's all okay with you." I shrugged, not liking the vague "check-up" or the needle talk, but it could be worse.
He reached for the pen in his shirt pocket before turning his attention to the paper in front of him. "We have your medical records up until your check-up before 3rd grade." There it was. Proof I had been to a doctor before. Carlisle had probably seen it.
Carlisle continued talking, asking me things. Some stuff was easy to answer, other questions I had no idea about. Did I ever have allergic reactions, have difficulty breathing, get frequent colds or headaches, experience dizziness, feel sick to my stomach, have trouble sleeping, feel tired, have sore muscles, the list went on and on. I tried to be honest as much as I could but some stuff I didn't think applied to me, and others I didn't want him to know. He asked about my appetite, an answer I thought he already knew, and I shrugged, saying I wasn't hungry a lot but still felt that I ate enough. He didn't comment on any answers, only prodding for more details a few times and then writing stuff down.
Finally it seemed he was done with his questioning and it was silent for a moment while he continued writing. I could only image what he was saying about me, but really didn't want to know anyway. When he put his clipboard down, he grabbed some supplies out of the cabinet and came towards me. I eyed him cautiously, but reminded myself that I chose this. He wasn't going to do anything to me. He shook on it.
He started with this cuff thing on my arm. He said it was to take my blood pressure. It squeezed really tight and I wondered how much more it could possibly squeeze when it finally started loosening. He took my temperature and then had me breathe deeply a few times while he listened with his stethoscope at different places around my chest and back. Then he looked in my ears and eyes- I don't have any idea what for but I was very uncomfortable- before asking me if we could go out to the hall to take my height and weight. I reluctantly agreed, and we headed outside and turned into this little alcove where there was a big scale. I stood on it and he moved the dials back and forth for a minute.
When the sound of the metal sliding across metal hit my ears, I suddenly had a very strange feeling. Like I had been here before. It was like a memory was there that I couldn't quite get to. I knew I hadn't been here, but it was just so familiar.
My confusion must have shown on my face, because Carlisle asked if I was okay.
"What's that thing called when you do something and it reminds you of the last time, except you can't really remember it from before?" I asked, rambling a little, but truly curious.
"Deja vu?"
"Yeah, I just had that." Knowing the word made me feel much better.
"Ah," he chuckled a little before telling me I could get down. He measured my height while continuing, "Do you remember going to the doctor's office?"
"No, not really." I didn't try very hard to either. I knew I would have been with my mom. I did vaguely remember playing in the waiting room before her appointments though.
We went back into the exam room and he asked if he could take blood now. I nodded, a little hesitantly.
He rolled his chair over with a little table also on wheels. He rolled up my long sleeve, as far as it would go, to about half way between my elbow and shoulder. He tied a rubber thing above my elbow and told me to hold my arm out straight. He held on to my wrist, looking at the crook of my elbow.
"You ready?" I looked away but nodded. A sharp pinch came, but it wasn't any worse than what I expected. It took a few minutes and a bit of jostling around, but finally he was done. He had a little tube of my blood on the tray when he was done.
Two more shots in the opposite arm came next and then he finally said we were almost done.
After a bit of convincing, I was lead downstairs to get an x-ray. Before I left the house, Carlisle had asked me to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt, to make sure I didn't have any metal on my clothes. That way I didn't have to put a hospital gown on.
I had to lie down on this big table thing and then in a bunch of different positions with my arm going this way and that. When he said take an x-ray, I didn't realize it meant a bunch of x-rays. But finally we were done, and I was going back home. He didn't even wait for the x-rays to come back, keeping his word from last time we tried this. I'm sure it was obvious that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, and it made me feel good that he was trying to make me comfortable.
In the car he asked if I wanted to get some lunch out with him before we went back to the house. Trying to be polite and not sound ungrateful for the offer, I declined, saying I was a little bit tired. He knew as well as I did that I had already hit my social limit for the day. It was progress, and I hoped he saw it that way.
He parked in the garage and we walked to the door. Before he opened it, he turned to me saying, "Thank you for doing that Edward. I know it was hard for you, but I'm proud of the way you handled yourself. You did great." He smiled.
I immediately felt my face heat up and I looked down, nodding a little. Thankfully, he didn't expect a verbal answer and finally, I was back inside. I went to my room, shutting the door softly, and then flopped down on my stomach on my bed, happy with the day's work.
Only when Esme knocked for dinner did I realize I had accidently fallen asleep. As a result of my extra-long nap, I was wide awake come midnight, when I wanted nothing more to be under the wonderful haze of sleep.
After spending a frustrating half hour rolling back and forth, trying to get comfortable enough for unconsciousness, I realized the effort was useless. What to do now?
I didn't want to watch TV, I didn't feel like messing with the computer or reading anything else in here, and I had already spent so long looking at my pictures today that my eyes were dry and stinging.
So I went downstairs, just because I could. When I got there, I went outside, just because there was nobody to stop me. The door was locked, but a turn of the deadlock was all it took to be outside in the cold night air. I sat on the top step, realizing that I should have brought a coat out.
I could see my breath. I remembered thinking it was so fascinating as a child. Now, it was just a reminder of how I used to view the world, and how much I had changed since I last saw my breath like this.
Looking out at the driveway and surrounding woods, I got a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature. I knew he was in jail, but I could not stop myself from imagining him, right out of my view, watching me for signs of weakness, for a good moment to pounce.
When the door behind me opened, I jumped, shocked and terrified that he really was here, and somehow he had gotten behind me.
But of course, it was only Emmett. He held his hands up in surrender, seeing my overreaction.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you."
"No, I'm sorry. It was stupid," I mumbled back while I sat back down on my step, shaking my head at my stupidity.
"Hey, I was just in the living room, I must have fallen asleep or something. But I heard you go out and you don't have a coat…so I brought you one," he finished, sort of hesitantly. I looked back at him, and indeed he was both wearing a coat and holding an extra, which he held out for me. I took it, my hand visibly shaking a little, from the cold or the scare, I wasn't sure.
"Yeah, so sorry I bothered you, I just thought…never mind, I'll go back in." He turned back towards the door. I knew he didn't put his coat on the just hand me mine. He must have come out here for a reason.
"You can sit, if you want," I told him as he opened the door. He hesitated, letting the cold air in the open door before finally closing it and sitting on the same step as me, maybe a foot away.
We were quiet for a minute. I just watched the now two clouds of breath disappear into the night.
"My friends liked you. They wanted to know where you were today. You can hang out with us, you know."
"Were they here today?" I hadn't heard anyone, but I was pretty out of it all day.
"Yeah, Mom said to let you sleep, but I just mean whenever. We want you to do stuff with us, if you want to."
As much as I appreciated the gesture, I wasn't sure he was telling the truth. I mean, all of his friends seemed nice enough and none of them made me feel unwanted, but I felt like I was intruding. And I wouldn't care so much about that if Emmett hadn't seemed so…weird. He was definitely uncomfortable, whether it had anything to do with me or not.
"You just seemed kind of…." I shook my head, not able to come up with a non-insulting word that described his behavior that night.
"Yeah, I know. I was acting crazy." He looked down at his feet, shuffling his socked feet across the wooden surface. "It's just. It wasn't you. I…listen, don't tell anyone, but I'm going to break up with Rosalie."
What? "Why?" I only asked the second question, doing little to hide my shock. They seemed so happy, and normal. I couldn't imagine giving that up if I had it.
"I don't know man, it's just like….I don't actually think I like her, like that, anyway. Not anymore. Maybe I never did. I don't know. I'm fucking confused. She's going to be so mad. I don't think I can do it, but I have to," he rambled. I felt bad for him, but I was a little confused. How did they get into this situation in the first place? "Sorry, I'm being crazy again."
"No, it's okay." God knows I've had my fair share of crazy since I've been here. "How long have you been…?" Together? Seeing her?
"Going out with her? It's been forever. It seems like we were never not going out. It just kind of happened, and I think that's the problem. We were just friends and then…this happened, and I could never get out of it. I never had a reason to."
Then why now? What was the point? If he was so worried about it, why did he have to do something so drastic?
"Why don't you just wait? Maybe you'll change your mind."
He looked at me again, right in my eyes. It was the same look he had given me yesterday, while he was sitting on the couch with his girlfriend. He looked confused, or regretful or…scared.
"I don't want to fake it. You shouldn't waste your life on something that isn't real, right?" He was really asking me, like he wanted an answer. I didn't know about life. He shouldn't ask me what to do. I should be asking him.
But he was still looking at me, desperately, like he wanted help or something. So I gave him what he was looking for.
"Right. I mean, you should be happy. She would probably understand, once she knows this isn't what you want. "
He finally looked away, scoffing and shaking his head.
"I don't think she's going to understand at all, actually."
Sunday, December 5th
It was a quiet sort of day today. Despite the cold winter weather, it was an exceptionally sunny day outside. Standing by the backdoor, I looked over the Cullen's backyard. The thick trees behind the green grass still intimidated me for some reason. It was just the unknown, I suppose. I couldn't see past the first few yards or so, and how did I know that whatever was in there wasn't going to hurt me?
But the sun shining down onto the yard looked so…peaceful. It looked like it should have been beyond my grasp, but I knew that now that I was with the Cullen's it wasn't. I could go out there, and feel the sun.
I was scared, but I wanted to prove that I wasn't being kept away anymore. I could go outside. I could. So, when my coat and shoes were on, I slowly slid the door open and stepped outside. As soon as I crossed into the grass and felt the sunshine on my face, I felt tears come to my eyes. It felt incredible. It was such a contrast to not only the cold of the December day, but also the cold that I had felt for so long, inside me.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't let go of the feeling of being watched, like I was in danger from some unknown enemy in the woods. I tried to forget about it, telling myself that nobody was stalking me, waiting for me to let my guard down, but I found myself keeping an eye on the tree line anyway.
I took a deep breath of the clean, fresh air. It was cold in my nose and throat, but the sun on my skin made up for it. I was standing in the middle of the yard now, and although I felt kind of stupid here, I did my best not to think that anybody was watching me from inside either. I sunk down to my knees, and then sat down completely, deciding it was way too confortable to go anywhere anytime soon. After a few minutes, I still couldn't stop scanning the woods and it irritated me. I wanted to enjoy this moment, but all I could do was be paranoid.
I laid down completely, so I was staring up at the sun instead of the darkness of the woods. Once my head hit the prickly grass, it hit me how solid the ground was. It was hard, pressing back into my body, keeping me plastered on the yard. Every breath I took I could feel my chest raise up off the ground. It was cold, but it felt good, laying there under the sun.
Just when I thought I might drift off to sleep, I was shocked back into the present. A sudden, loud yell grabbed me out from my peacefulness. My eyes shot open, I gasped for a breath, and I saw a body leap over my own. As soon as it was clear, I sat bold up right, ready to hop up completely and run from the danger.
But then I heard something that wouldn't suggest danger. Laughter. My eyes zeroed in on what had just flown over my face. Emmett. He was now lying on the grass a few feet from me, laughing hysterically. I squinted my eyes at him, trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking, while I tried to calm my heart and breathing down.
His laughter continued, even when he looked up to see that I wasn't joining in on his amusement.
"What the fuck, Emmett?" I asked, exasperated, before pressing my hands to my face, shaking my head and falling back onto the grass, groaning.
"Sorry, man," he said, very unconvincing because of the laughter he couldn't seem to stop.
"Yeah, whatever." I crossed my arms over my chest, irritated that he wasn't taking this seriously. I mean, I was already freaked out enough and just when I forgot about the creepy woods, he had to go and do something crazy.
"Hey, I couldn't stop myself. You were just laying here, all unsuspecting. It was a spur of the moment thing, really."
His laughter stopped eventually, and we both just stayed there, silent. The sun didn't feel as good anymore. He had burst my bubble. I wasn't really mad anymore, it was actually kind of funny, but I didn't know how to start a conversation again.
I was pretty cold by now, so I started to get up, ready to head inside and warm up. As soon as I put my hand on the ground, ready to push myself up, Emmett made a 'nuh uh' sound and reached over, grabbing my wrist to keep me where I was.
"What?" I asked, irritated again.
"You can't go inside yet."
"Why?"
"Because."
I huffed, wondering if this was another of his jokes.
"It's cold, I'm going inside," I started to stand again, but he pulled me down this time.
"What is wrong with you?" I asked, seriously annoyed now. He was being irritating.
"Dude, come on. You have to stay outside for another," he pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen, "twelve minutes. Mom said so."
"She did not." He was obviously just using her to scare me into obeying.
"I swear she did! She sent me out here to distract you, I'm just not very good at being subtle. For real, just chill. Twelve minutes, then we can go inside."
I rolled my eyes, not believing him, but not going to fight him either. I mean, he would obviously win.
"So what are you doing out here?"
I shrugged. He wouldn't get my sudden obsession with sun, would he? He always had sun.
"Have you been down to the stream yet?"
I shook my head, "But we don't-"
He was already up and ready to go when he interrupted me, "Let's go." I didn't want to go further into the woods. But he was holding his hand out to help me up again like he did on Friday.
I hesitantly let him grab my hand and pull me to my feet. He went straight for the little path at the back of the yard and started down it. I followed, not wanting him to know about my fear of these trees. Surely nothing would happen to me when I was with Emmett anyway.
The stream wasn't actually that far into the woods, which I was grateful for. It was sort of pretty, I guess. I couldn't focus on anything other than what could be looming further back.
Emmett was jumping from rock to rock on the edge of the water, talking about games he and Alice used to play back here when they were little. I wasn't really listening though, finding it difficult to pay attention. I stayed on the bank, not trusting my balance skills to not fall into the freezing water.
My arms were still crossed, trying to ward off the cold.
"What? Are you really mad at me?" Emmett suddenly asked, making me look up at him. He was about ten feet away from me, balancing on a large rock and looking legitimately concerned, and a little exasperated. Realizing I must have looked upset, I immediately uncrossed my arms, shaking my head 'no.'
"Really?" He didn't believe me.
"No. I just don't like the woods that much. I'm fine."
With an understanding yet surprised tone, he said, "oh." After glancing around awkwardly, as if looking for something that I was scared of, he continued, "I mean, we can go back, if you-"
"I'm fine. Really."
And, by some miracle, he didn't fight it. "Ok then," was all he said, accepting what I said for the truth, even if we both knew it wasn't.
"So you didn't really tell me the other day. Did you have fun the other night? With my friends?"
I frowned at the question, not sure what balance of the truth- that I was entirely too uncomfortable around them, but that was just because I was…me- and the more socially acceptable lie, to tell him.
I settled with my fallback, a shrug, and a half truth. "Yeah, it was interesting."
"Interesting?" he sounded amused. I looked up at him, he had a grin on his face, obviously not offended, but ready to poke fun at his friends.
"Bella knows." That whipped the grin right off his face.
"What?"
"She knows. Who I am."
"Are you sure?" I nodded. "Dude, you know I would never tell her. I mean, I told Rose but she's different. I didn't say anything I swear."
I shrugged to show I wasn't upset with him. I wasn't blaming him at all. I didn't know how she found out, but it didn't matter.
"Did she say something in front of Jake?"
"No, I don't think he knows. She just…I don't know I could tell. She knew. It doesn't matter. It's only a matter of time before people find out. She wasn't weird about it." Not really anyway. I was just glad she didn't blab about it to everyone in the room. I mean, when they all find out, I would prefer not to be there.
Emmett's eyes suddenly went wide and he muttered an "oh fuck," before explaining. "Bella's dad is the police chief here in Forks. I bet he knew and told her."
"Oh." That made sense, I guess. So she did know the whole time.
"Do you want me to talk to her? Tell her not to say anything?"
"No, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it."
He smirked a little. "Of course it doesn't." What was that supposed to mean? He continued before I could respond.
"Well, I think it's been fifteen minutes by now. We can probably go in now."
As we headed back towards the house, me in front this time, I asked, "Why was you out here anyway?"
"I was serious before, Mom just said I had to keep you out here. That's all I know. They were moving some stuff around though."
"What?" He chuckled again and told me to just wait and see.
"Don't be so impatient."
It was my turn to laugh, although it wasn't so much humorous as disbelieving. "You are way more impatient than I am."
We were back at the house now, and I was grateful for his distractions. I couldn't imagine what Esme had wanted me out of the house for, but I doubted it was a good thing. There was nobody in sight when I entered the kitchen. After taking my shoes and coat off by the front door and still not seeing anyone, I started to panic. Were they in my room? My pictures were in there. What would she want with them?
After frantically rushing up the stairs, I came to my room. The door was open, and I rushed in, heading straight for my stash. Before I got there, something else had caught my eye. I turned, facing it, and felt my jaw drop.
On the only remaining free wall, was now a black piano keyboard. Much smaller than the one downstairs, it fit against the wall and had a smaller stool underneath. Several books were perched on a stand above it, and they looked like instructions. There were a few cords coming out the back and a lot of switches on the top. I had no idea what to do with any of it.
I realized I was still standing there like an idiot when Esme came into my room.
"Edward?" I shook my head, breaking my stare and looking up at her. She looked so happy and hopeful.
"You don't have to like it. I just wanted you to be able to try it. There are headphones, so you can mess around with it all you want and not worry about people listening to you. If you don't want it, we can move it back out. Don't feel pressured to learn it or anything," she finished, biting her lip a little and looking more anxious now.
I didn't want to disappoint her, but I had to say it. Shaking my head, I told her the one thought I couldn't get past. "You shouldn't have spent that much money on me."
She smiled, the opposite reaction of what I expected. "Luckily for me, I thought you would say that. I promise you, I didn't spend a dime on this. We had it in the basement. I went through a bit of a music phase a few years ago," she grinned. I wasn't completely sure I believed her. "Well, that's not completely true." I knew it. "I did buy the music books. There are some beginner books and some that would help you learn on your own. Of course, if you want to get lessons, we would be thrilled to find a teacher for you."
It was overwhelming. She remembered those few seconds that she had caught me playing around on her piano downstairs. While I admit I was strangely fascinated by the concept, I had no idea what I was doing and it was crazy of her to go through all this trouble on a whim of mine.
She stepped towards me. I hadn't moved from the second that I had set eyes on the new addition to my room. She touched my arm, rubbing it a little as if to comfort me in this bizarre situation.
"Don't be worried about this, please. I just…I know it's hard for you to ask for things, and I thought maybe this could be something you enjoy. If you don't use it, I promise I won't be upset. We'll put it back in the basement, not a problem at all. Then you can try something else if you want."
I should say something. She had done something for me. I knew it was the appropriate thing to respond. But I didn't know what to say. It was hard not to connect this to the thing James had gotten me. I knew it was a completely different situation. She did it because she wanted me to be happy, right? Why did he do it? I didn't know. Guilt maybe. Although sometimes I didn't think he could feel guilty.
I looked at her, reminding myself that she didn't have any negative intentions with this gift. I should make the most of it. I should be grateful for her thoughtfulness.
"Thank you." It was too simple. She deserved more, but I didn't have anything else to give her.
"Do you think you'll try it?" I nodded. I honestly did think I would try it, especially if nobody but me could hear me experiment. It would be fun to try something new without the pressure of people watching or judging me.
Esme smiled, clearly very happy with this development. She rubbed and patted my back and it was getting a little tense me until Emmett made his presence known.
"Whats going on up here?" He walked right into my room, looking around interestedly. "Ahh, nice, are you going to be all musical now?" I shrugged. Maybe I could learn to be. He squinted his eyes at his Mom for a minute before a look of humor passed over him, yet again.
"Ohhh," he laughed. "I see what's going on here. Don't think you fooled me Mom. Edward," he turned to me, "she's trying to brainwash you. Watch out. She tried this on me and Alice too. She just wants a musical prodigy for a child, is all this is. She's going to try to train you into one of those piano genius people, be careful." I smiled as Esme chided him, assuring me that it wasn't true in the slightest.
It made me a little weak at the knees to think that she would consider me one of her children. I mean, I hadn't even known her for that long. I knew I had no right to want it, but it felt good to think that she cared about me this much.
Monday, December 6th
The evening was the worst time. After so long, I should have been over the anticipation. Yet I still wondered every day if he was going to come visit me that night. I had eaten a turkey sandwich for dinner. He didn't say anything when he brought it in, but that wasn't unusual. The plate was long since abandoned by the door, waiting for him to come and collect it again. I had spent much of the evening laying upside-down on my bed, my head hanging off the end. I could hear the TV, he was watching baseball. I could hear the crowd cheering and an announcer narrating the game. Sports didn't hold my attention very well, but the noise often helped me get lost in my head a little more. If I was lucky, I could pass a good part of a day just drifting off, thinking of nothing.
This particular day, I was doing a pretty good job of it. I remember the door closing, meaning he went to work early in the morning. I hadn't moved when he came back in the evening, taking me to the bathroom and then leaving me dinner. After that, I listened to his routine. The sounds of the toilet flushing, the shower running, kitchen cabinets opening and closing, a timer going off, and the TV turning on. After that, most sounds were drowned out, except the baseball. That was okay.
But as I laid here, the blood having settled in my head, making it heavy, I started thinking about the probability of him doing it tonight. He didn't even come in last night, so chances were up tonight. The game was almost over, so that meant that either he would come straight up or he would watch the evening news and then go to bed. He honestly looked a little tired earlier, so it surprised me when I heard the news anchor's voice.
I sat up and waited for the blood rush to be over. When I could see straight again, I moved the covers off of my bed, loosely folding them and setting them down on the floor, and then sat against the headboard. It was an unspoken rule that I do this every night. He liked to know where I was when he entered. It was best not to surprise him. I had also learned a while back that if I left the blankets on the bed, they would always end up…dirty. It was best to move them until he was gone again so I could at least try to get comfortable at night. It sucked sleeping with no covers.
A half hour later, the TV clicked off. He moaned a little, and I could picture him stretching out his back. There was some clanging in the kitchen, probably him putting dishes in the sink. The creak in the stairs told me he was close to my room now, and I looked down at the sheet below me so I wouldn't have to look at his face when he came in.
I knew how many seconds it usually took him to get to my room from that creak. I knew when I would hear the combination on the lock sliding. Tonight, it never did. The moment was too long, and I knew he wasn't coming. I waited longer still, making sure that he went to his own room, shut the door, and set his timer for work. Only then did I grab the blanket from my floor, curl up under it, and squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for sleep to take me away from this place. I knew morning would bring him waking me up, taking me into the bathroom, hopefully letting me shower, and then giving me breakfast. Then it would be another long, quiet, lonely day to fill up.
A loud thud woke me up instead. My eyes immediately were open wide, and I sat up, frantically looking for the source of the noise. It was dark. Like pitch black. But I wasn't in the right place again. I couldn't remember where I was, where I was supposed to be, anything. I was gasping for breath, trying to remember when understanding suddenly flooded through me. I wasn't with James. My room was gone, he was gone. I was in the Cullen's house, in my new room. Emmett was across the hall, Carlisle and Esme and Alice were all downstairs. It was night time. I went to sleep here tonight, not in my old room. Only my mind had been back there.
I needed a light on. I needed to see. Crawling out of the bed, I stumbled off the high ledge and fumbled along the wall until I found the switch. I was, indeed, in the Cullen's house. There was the huge bed, the closed curtains, the desk and laptop, and keyboard Esme had just gotten me.
It was raining outside, hard. It must be a storm. The thud must have been thunder. Not James coming into my room in the middle of the night.
I had to get out. I threw the door open and rushed downstairs, wanting so bad to be far far away from that dream.
Who else would be downstairs, but Emmett? He was sitting on the couch, feet up on the table like usual, the TV on, the volume down low. I no longer hesitated to sit next to him, grateful for the distraction.
Neither one of us said anything this time. He just glanced over at me and grinned. He didn't seem surprised to see me either.
I let my heart calm down, trying to get my mind to accept, yet again, the fact that I was safe now.
EPOV
Edward. Of course. I was trying to distract myself from thinking about him and what does he do? Show up on the couch next to me, naturally.
I couldn't be upset though. He looked so innocent. He obviously had no idea what he did to me. He was completely and forever clueless. That was the only thing that I could be grateful for now. If he knew…or if God forbid he felt the same way, it would all be over. I couldn't possibly stay away from him, and I knew I should. I had to. It wasn't his fault he had come here, or that I felt like this, or that he wasn't able to pick up on it.
There was nothing to imply that he was like me anyway. I mean, he was probably so far away from thinking about 'liking' anyone, and when the day came that he was able to focus on something like that, surely he would find a nice girl and they would both be happy.
But on the other hand, what would I do? I had already decided I had to break up with Rose. And soon. I was stringing her along with something that I didn't believe in anymore, and it wasn't fair to her, not at all. But what would I tell her? The truth? It would probably hurt her more than a lie. Because the truth would tell her that I had been lying for years. It was so backwards.
And even when I did break up with Rose, what could I do? Nothing, I guess. I could never say anything to Edward. It would confuse him, and surely he was already so confused by life, I didn't need to throw myself into the mix.
I felt like he had started to trust me a little, and that was a good feeling. I could be friends with him. That was what he needed now anyway. Nothing more than that.
Glancing at him again, he had his arms crossed over his chest, his head resting against the cushion of the couch. His eyes were closed and he had fallen asleep. He had seemed pretty freaked out when he came down here and I wondered if the storm had scared him. I wanted him to be okay. I wanted him to enjoy his life. But I so selfishly wanted him to enjoy it with me.
Because the truth was, I liked him. I liked Edward Masen…like that. I thought about him all the time, what was he doing, where was he going, was he coming downstairs, should I talk to him, should I leave him alone, was he okay, it never ended. I watched him every second that I thought it wouldn't be seen as creepy or give me away. I found myself wondering what he smelled like, what his hair would feel like, and what he thought about me. It was torture that it was a one way thought process, but I knew it had to be like that.
Because his truth was totally different. He was a kidnap victim. He had been held captive for the better part of his childhood and was, as much as I liked to deny it, a very fragile person. He didn't know what was going on around him all the time and he could be taken advantage of very easily. I wanted to keep him safe, and I had to face the fact that by trying to be with him, I could inadvertently hurt him. So it had to be like this.