EPOV
Saturday, December 11th
My head hurt. I never cried much ever since I was a little kid, and the heavy sobs that had finally left my body left my head with an intense pressure.
I don't know what time it is, but it must be late by now. I was hungry, because I was too nervous to eat any dinner before I left with Emmett, but nowhere near hungry enough to leave my bed right now.
The events of the last few hours left me dazed and confused, but the things that I was sure about were bad, and that's all that mattered.
As soon as I got to my room, I turned all the lights on, shut and locked the door, and promptly hid under my covers. I tried not to make a lot of noise but like everything else, I probably failed.
I just felt so helpless, completely out of control. I didn't know how to make anything better. Everything I tried ended up in disaster or embarrassment. I didn't even know what I was trying to do exactly anymore and now I didn't even care. I didn't want anything. I wanted nothing. I wished so hard that my mind could simply turn off and I could stop thinking, worrying, and wondering.
But I couldn't, and it didn't. For hours I hid under my covers and my thoughts cycled through all the shit that had happened to me. The disaster at the movies with the reporters and their cameras, then the horrible mess I was making of my life with the Cullens, then I had to think about my parents and why they weren't here, and of course the man who had caused it topped it all off. James spent more time on my mind tonight than he had in weeks.
For some reason, tonight was different. I couldn't turn it off, I couldn't distract myself. I just wanted something to think about that wasn't awful. It didn't need to be happy, or good, just not bad. But I had nothing. Everything would wind and twist around in my brain until it ended up back on him.
It made me sick.
I was stuck. I couldn't get away from him, no matter what. Again.
Esme knocked several times, and Carlisle too maybe. But I didn't even think about answering it, and they, thankfully, gave up eventually. They had probably gone to bed. The thought of a quiet house empty of conscious people would have usually gave me some comfort, but tonight it just made me feel more alone.
I hated it. I was tired of being alone. But how would that ever change? Nobody could ever understand what my life was. They could never be in my mind. It was impossible. So I would be alone forever, it seemed.
Not for the first time in my life, I thought about getting out. What was the point in all this effort? It was all for nothing and it hurt so much anyway, so why did I have to try?
What would I do with my life anyway? If by some miracle, I made it through the coming months in one piece, what would I do as an adult? I was sixteen. Not that far from when I was supposed to be on my own, self-sufficient and confident. It was beyond scary to think about. I had skipped the second half of my childhood and now I had to get used to this new stage with no notice at all. I just got thrown in head first and it scared the shit out of me, but to be honest, it didn't matter.
I wasn't going to miraculously get better. It was always going to be like this in my head, so even if I looked the part of an adult rather than a child, it wasn't who I was. I was a sad, scared and pathetic kid that nobody needed or wanted.
I was ashamed that I was forced upon the Cullen's lives. They hadn't asked for me. I hadn't asked for them either, but somehow here we were.
Thinking about what their lives were without me, I was hit with a huge wave of fear. They didn't need me, and unless I started to satisfy them, act the way they wanted me to, surely they would stop putting up with me.
But maybe that was for the better. It would be a lot easier if they stopped caring, stopped trying so hard to be good for me.
That was easier for me to. I could stop trying so hard, and it wouldn't matter.
The idea sounded heavenly.
So that's what I would do, if only for this night. I stopped. I just laid in my bed, letting all the disturbing memories wash over me. I let it all come, and didn't try to keep it out.
Tears came yet again as I remembered my last day with my parents, the first days without them, and the time since. There were many firsts with James as well, and while some I thought about often, others hadn't crossed my mind in a long time.
Little things, like the first time he had stayed out all night and left me wondering if he had forgotten about me, the first Christmas with him, even the first time somebody rang his doorbell. Each had scared and saddened me more than I thought possible.
Eventually, my tears stopped and my eyes closed. I fell into sleep, hoping that for once in my life, my wishes would be met and I could never wake up.
Monday, December 13th
The rest of the weekend had passed in a thick haze. I rolled out of bed in early afternoon on Sunday, only because both my bladder and thirst were making themselves known. Luckily, Esme seemed to have decided to let me be, for the time being anyway, and besides from asking if I wanted to talk when she brought me lunch and dinner, I had been left alone all day.
I slept mostly, but I was also pretty good at passing time alone, so it wasn't a hard day.
This morning, however, Esme seemed to have found a new eagerness for getting me to communicate. Although I insisted I didn't want to go downstairs, that I was perfectly happy alone, she kept pestering me until I reluctantly rolled out of bed and into the shower. It took twice as long as it usually did. I was tired and unenthusiastic. Most of the time I spent simply standing under the lukewarm water. By the time I shook my head and focused enough to finish cleaning myself, my fingers were pruney.
Peeking my head out into my room to make sure Esme was gone, I slowly exited the bathroom. Then I saw the clothes laid out on my bed. She must have put them out for me, which was good because I was debating whether or not I should put fresh clothes on or my pajamas again. And I wasn't really in a decision making kind of mood.
After running a towel through my wet hair, I put the jeans and flannel shirt on and sat on the couch, exhausted already. I put my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees, sighing. Now what? I had only been awake for like thirty minutes and all I wanted was to crawl back into bed.
I could pretty much feel James creeping his way back into the front of my thoughts, but I was able to push him back and focus on how depressing other aspects of my life were, like the fact that I never wanted to face Emmett again after that disaster with the reporters and my freak out afterwards. I mean, he had to basically drag me to his car. I barely remember any of the car ride, except for throwing up at the side of the road and being pretty positive someone was following us. I can only image what I looked like on the way back to the house. No, I could never face him again without being completely ashamed of my life.
At least it did distract me, for a few minutes anyway.
I didn't hear Esme knock, but she was in here, because the couch cushion went down to my right side. A hand was on my back soon after, rubbing up and down. What used to cause me serious discomfort, I was now impartial about. It didn't offer any comfort, as I'm sure she wanted. I just didn't care.
"How about we go down and get some lunch?" It was a question, but she didn't mean for it to be. She stood up, gently prying my arms away from my face and pulled me up with her. Without a word, she guided me downstairs and sat me at the table where she had already set out food.
She didn't leave it up to me, like she usually did. I ate lunch while she read the paper and drank tea. My hands seemed to move of their own accord, because soon enough I looked down and my food was half gone. My mind was simply elsewhere, and I would give anything for it to be here, in this kitchen with Esme, instead of alone in another bedroom hours away. But this didn't seem to be up to me either.
A few hours later, I was somewhere else. Thankfully, this place usually kept me on my toes enough to be a decent diversion.
"Tell me about your weekend, Edward," she started. So innocently she said it, but surely she knew. One glance at her concerned, analyzing face and it was confirmed. I sighed and sunk down further in the leather chair. I crossed my arms and closed my eyes, trying hard to focus on something other than what she wanted me to.
"Let's just talk about before. How did the movie itself go?"
I shrugged, not interested in this.
"It was alright. I don't like all the people. Or the room. But I was okay, I think." I hadn't given that much thought to that part of the evening. I had been pretty nervous inside the theater too. I didn't really like any aspect of the going to the movies concept, so I'm not sure why I thought it was such a good idea. All the people made me paranoid, the big room made me feel anxious, and the darkness freaked me out, therefore making me feel like a little kid scared of the dark. I didn't even watch the movie, so pretty much it was a waste of time all around.
"Did you panic at all?"
"I dunno, a little I guess." I did remember squeezing my arms around my stomach when I thought I was going to be sick. Emmett had to calm me down too. Just like he did in the car.
"What did you do to calm down?"
"I guess I just tried to focus on other stuff," I mumbled.
"Okay, that's good. If you're able to take your mind off of what is bothering you that should help. Maybe you could have something in mind before you get in a situation where you may panic, so if you feel it coming on, you will already have something to shift your attention to." I nodded. She obviously didn't know that when my mind wondered, it always ended up in worse places than it started.
"How was Emmett?" she asked, curiously.
"He was good. I think I feel better around him. When I go places, I mean. He makes me feel safer." It was hard to admit, that I could use somebody like that, but the evidence was clear.
"That very well may be, but I don't think you've given anybody else much of a shot. You could feel safer with other people's company as well. Don't limit yourself when you haven't tried it yet."
"Yeah, well I'm obviously done going places, aren't I?" I shot back.
"And why is that, exactly?" she asked without missing a beat. I gave her a pointed look. She knew why. "If you're referring to your run in with the media, I have to disagree with you."
"But they saw me. They know where I am now. I don't want to go anywhere now. I don't want them to see me." I looked down at her chair leg, not so confident now. It was true though. Now there was no hope that I could ever go anyplace without looking over my shoulder.
"But you already knew there was a good chance that you would see them, Edward. Now they've seen you, thankfully away from your own home and town, and your novelty will soon wear off, just like anything else." Somehow I doubted that.
"You don't need to be afraid of seeing them. They cannot come onto this property, and none of them have any interest in hurting you," she added.
I scoffed a little, blurting out, "I'm already looking over my shoulder all the time, now it's worse."
As soon as it was out, I realized that I gave her too much information. I hadn't yet shared this with her, and I hadn't planned on it.
"What are you afraid of?" I didn't answer, biting my tongue. "Edward? Why do you have to look over your shoulder?" She didn't understand, but it wasn't her fault. I didn't even understand.
She sighed a little. "It's understandable for you to be nervous or paranoid in new situations. You're getting used to this environment, and there's a lot more to take in than you're used to."
While it was true, it wasn't the reason.
"I won't ever get used to going where I want. It feels weird, to be someplace new. Like I'm about to get in trouble or something or I'm not supposed to be there."
"Who do you think is going to be upset with you?" she asked, sounding truly concerned.
I shrugged. "Nobody, I guess." But it wasn't true. I knew who would be mad, and I wasn't all the way convinced that he wasn't here, watching me from a distance.
"Are you sure?" I nodded. "Because I would understand if you were worried about James." I couldn't even hide the flinch, and it was embarrassing.
"Let me ask you something. Have you always felt like this? Or just since coming to the Cullen's? Do you know?"
Thinking about it, the paranoid feeling was new, and that's why it was so bad I think.
"Just since coming here," I mumbled.
"And don't you think James has something to do with that?"
That didn't make any sense. I got away from him.
"You're making a lot more decisions now than you ever did with James, yes?" I nodded. Of course. I never made any decisions with him. I did what he told me to do. "It's natural to seek his approval, Edward. When you were with James, what would happen if you did something he didn't want you to do?"
"I never did anything like that," I said immediately, defending myself. I never disobeyed him, because I knew what would happen. He told me all the time he would hurt me, punish me, until I obeyed.
"Why?"
"Because. He would be mad." I shook my head, not wanting to elaborate.
"And you were protecting yourself, right?" Obviously. "So it makes sense that you're still looking for his say-so. Do you understand?"
I nodded, but it made me a little sick to think like that. To think that my brain might be still thinking about what he wanted…it was disgusting. Like he hadn't already stolen enough of my time.
Huffing, I decided I really wasn't in the mood for all of this today. I closed my eyes and hid my face on my hand propped up on the arm of the chair.
"It's okay," she said in a voice I thought she probably reserved for little kids. And me. "You were just taking care of yourself, Edward. You did everything right because you're here right now, safe with a new future ahead of you."
I laughed a little bit, still not looking at her. Did everything right? Somehow I was pretty sure I did almost nothing right. I was so fucked up at this point, I wasn't sure I could get any worse.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked, gently still.
It was the wrong thing to say. It seriously sparked some type of nerve in me, because suddenly I was furious with her.
Jerking my head back up to look at her, I snapped, "What the fuck do you think I'm thinking about? What could I possibly be thinking about besides what a fucked up life I have? That's all I think about, every day." I wasn't tired anymore, but I wished I was. I didn't know what to do with all this energy I suddenly had inside me. I stood up, wanting to leave but knowing that was against the rules. Instead, I went around the back of my chair and walked over to the shelves of books Carlisle had.
I could feel her eyes on me, and I pulled out a random book from the rows in front of me and opened it, flipping through the pages without seeing anything. I just needed something to do with my hands, and something to occupy my mind. Was that so much to ask for?
Slamming it shut again, I shoved it back up on the shelf. I glanced around for something else, but saw nothing I could use. Instead, I went over to the small couch, which was a good distance from where the doctor still sat waiting patiently for me to get over my fit. I sat, bringing my head back to my hands, pulling at my hair with my fingers.
I wasn't done though, and continued my rant. "It never fucking ends. My parents, their bodies, James, his fucking face, everything. It all just keeps going around in my head, and I want it out." I felt like crying now, my energy suddenly fading again. I wanted to go crawl under my blankets again, where I felt safe and I could deal with these things.
She was quiet for a minute, letting me calm down before she started again. "It's good that you can tell me this, Edward. And as hard as it seems, it's progress. Often times we block things like that from our minds until we feel safe. Safe enough to be able to deal with them. I know it's not that simple, and dealing with these things will take time. But we can work on them, okay?"
She was probably waiting for a response, but she wasn't getting one.
"In the meantime, I really think you need some…distractions. We are not going to ignore these thoughts, they're very important after all, but you don't need to dwell on them all the time. It's important you have something to take your mind off of it, so you can relax. Does that sound like a good idea to you?"
I didn't want to look up at her because I didn't want her to see how badly I wanted what she just offered. I didn't know how to do it by myself, and I hoped she honestly could help me.
"I have several ideas, unless you have something specific you would like to try. Any ideas?" she asked, hopefully. When I didn't answer, she continued, like I knew she would.
"I think it's about time to get you back into school." My head snapped up immediately, and I'm sure I looked at her like she had suddenly grown an extra head, but come on. That was not happening. She held up her hands in defense. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to startle you. I didn't mean attending high school, unless that's something you'd really like to think about…"
I shook my head frantically. No. Just…no.
"I think we can get you started with some homeschooling, if you think you're ready. You can do some placement tests, and we could find a tutor for you, unless Esme would be willing to do it with you. Either way, you could learn from right here in your home. It would be a healthy outlet for you, something you could focus on that would be productive for your future as well…what do you think?"
What did I think? I thought I could maybe, probably, do something like that. Again, it wasn't something I could work out on my own, I already had done enough school work on my own, but it sounded like they could set it all up and I would just have to learn it. I was good at that, and I enjoyed it. I had taken school for granted until I didn't have it, and then I spent a lot of time wishing I had something to learn about. When I did get it back, at least sort of, it was a fantastic escape for me. I hadn't realized I would want that escape again.
At the same time, it scared me a little. I had become very much used to learning in my own way, slowly, and I wasn't sure I could do it if they wanted me to do it a different way. Plus, I was already worried that it would give me flashbacks of James. After all, he brought the stuff to me, and I always did my work with him in the background, whether it was waiting for him to return home or listening for him to come up the stairs.
But I wanted to try it. I wanted to learn as much as I could, and I knew my parents would want me to as well.
"I can do that." I didn't sound so confident, so I nodded to emphasize my point.
"Great. I was also thinking that you could take some piano lessons."
I didn't know about that one. I know I had told them I was going to try it on my own, and I hadn't really, but I still wasn't sure I was ready for stranger to be that close to me, or be that focused on what I was doing for any amount of time. If I was paranoid now, I could only imagine how bad I would be wondering what they were thinking about me.
"I don't think so," I told her quietly, shaking my head.
"What has you worried?"
"I don't know what I'm doing. They'll think I'm stupid," I mumbled, shaking my head again.
"A beginner's piano teacher has heard plenty of inexperienced players Edward, that's the point. They're going to help you learn. They know you don't have any technique- yet."
"I don't know…I'll be too nervous to learn anything. I'll just waste their time."
"There are plenty of teachers, surely we can find somebody you are comfortable with."
Maybe she had a point. I was just making up excuses anyway.
"I think you could really enjoy this Edward. Maybe you have a great artistic side you haven't discovered yet. Do you think you could give it a shot, just to see if you like it?" I still hesitated. "If you don't like it after a few weeks, you don't have to continue."
That made me think. After all, what was a few weeks? I wasn't doing anything anyway. If I hated it, I could always refuse to keep doing it, and I'm sure if I was really uncomfortable Esme wouldn't let me do it anyway. I had found it interesting before.
That's when I realized I hadn't thought about James in several minutes, better than I could say about the last few days. Just the topic has already distracted me, and that's really what I wanted right now anyway.
"Okay. I'll try it, I think."
I looked at her for the first time since switching seats, and she smiled at me.
"That's great, Edward. Really. I'm proud of you for wanting to try something new. I think it'll be good." She nodded, still smiling at me. I looked away, uncomfortable.
Suddenly, she seemed to snap out of it, and said, "Okay! I think that's enough for one day. You were great today, Edward." She started packing up her things. The paper pad and pen she had to write stuff about me on and a small watch she never wore but sat on the arm rest of her chair all went into her bag, and she stood up. This was only unusual because normally I ran out of here way before she had time to get her things together.
She stood up and asked, "Will you walk me downstairs?" I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, which was probably rude, but she had tricked me. She had ended suddenly like that so that I was still in here and she could make sure I didn't go back to my room immediately.
So I had to go downstairs with her, and when we got there, naturally, we weren't alone.
Carlisle hopped up from the couch after muting the TV show he was watching.
"Dr. Garrison, nice to see you," he greeted, coming forward to shake her hand.
"You as well Carlisle," she said politely.
"Are you two finished for the day?" Carlisle asked, glancing at this watch.
"We are. Edward?"
I had been standing closer to the stairs, wondering what I was doing down here and when I could leave, but she was looking expectantly at me now. I raised my eyebrows in question, waiting for her to continue.
"Do you want to tell Carlisle what you decided? I'm sure he'll want to help you find the appropriate people."
I'm sure I looked ridiculous, standing there with my eyes wide and my mouth slightly ajar, surprised that she was making me do this so suddenly. In fact, I usually didn't have to do anything like this. I hadn't had to ask to do something yet, they always asked me.
"Um…" I swallowed thickly. I looked back and forth between the two of them a few times. They both looked like they were waiting, somewhat patiently, for me to speak, but I wasn't prepared at all for this, and I didn't know how to begin. Dr. Garrison gave me a little smile, nodding encouragingly but remaining silent. She wanted me to do it.
"Uh, well, I was thinking that maybe I could start doing some home schooling stuff," I mumbled, looking anywhere but at Carlisle. His shoes were a pretty good place for my eyes in fact. "l mean if you think that's okay," I finished rapidly.
Glancing back up at Dr. Garrison I saw her nodding approvingly. She looked pleased. Her attention shifted from me to Carlisle, seemingly waiting for his response now.
"Of course that's okay. I think that's a wonderful idea Edward." I could hear the smile in his voice and it encouraged me to look up at his face again. He was looking at me the same way Dr. Garrison was, and it made me very uncomfortable. Looking at my own feet this time, I shifted my weight back and forth nervously.
"You do?" I asked hesitantly. "Because she said that I might need a tutor, or Esme might have to help me and I don't want to bother anyone or…" I trailed off shaking my head. I didn't want to inconvenience them. As much as they said they wanted to help me, I didn't feel right having them spend money on me or using up more of their time. I should be helping them, not the other way around.
"Edward you would never be a bother, your education is very important and we'll help in any way we can. I'm sure Esme would love to assist with your school work. In fact I bet she'll be thrilled."
Dr. Garrison cut in for the first time now, saying, "We should talk about whether Edward would be more comfortable with Esme helping him or a hired tutor, someone to only help him with school work. I think it might be easier if-"
"I don't want another stranger to do it," I blurted out before I realized what I was saying. "I mean, if she doesn't want to, then never mind. I can just do it by myself."
"No, don't be silly, of course you don't have to do it on your own. Esme would love to help you if that's what you want," he assured me again.
"Great," Dr. Garrison seemed genuinely pleased by our short conversation, and started digging through her bag, pulling out a small card which she handed to Carlisle.
"You'll need to contact the Washington Homeschooling Organization, who can help you get started much better than I can. Here's the number of Miranda Ortel, I've worked with her before and she can help get you going, but if you or Esme give me a call later, we can talk about the basics, as much as I can help you with." She smiled reassuringly at him, and he nodded, like he understood what she just said. It all seemed very overwhelming to me. It was clearly a lot more complicated than going out and finding some books for me to go through on my own.
"Excellent. We've been starting to look into it already, but this should be helpful."
They had? They didn't even ask me about it, and I hadn't brought it up at all, of course. Did they know I would want to do this? I wasn't even sure myself, and to be honest, the talk of organizations and phone numbers was already overwhelming me.
"Did you want to tell him what else you're thinking about doing?" Dr. Garrison asked me, yet again.
I shrugged this time, not nearly as confident with this one. School was one thing, but this was extra, something to do out of interest only, and not a necessity. I shook my head. I didn't want to ask for this too. Hopefully she wouldn't make me.
"May I tell him for you?" she asked gently, finally giving me a break.
I shrug-nodded.
"Edward, as you know, has expressed an interest in learning how to play the piano. I suggested that he take some beginners lessons, to which he agreed."
"Really?" he said, surprised.
"Yes, and I must add, he agreed conditionally, more on a trial basis than anything. He's just going to see if it's something worth pursuing, if not then he can stop. Right Edward?"
I felt paler than usual, which was saying something, but nodded.
"Well, I believe you will just make Esme's day with all of this good news."
That should make me happy, but instead I just thought about having to ask for everything all over again in front of her, and I felt nauseous.
"Alright Edward, I'll see you in a few days, alright?" the doctor asked, finally appearing to be leaving. "You did a great job today," she added. "I'll see you soon Dr. Cullen," she said on her way out the door.
As soon as it was closed, the silence was….loud. Carlisle and I were just standing there, not speaking, not moving, and I was wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now. She had basically escorted me down here, so clearly I wasn't supposed to disappear again, but what else was I supposed to do? It was Carlisle's house, it felt wrong to just go plop down on the couch with him staring at me like this.
"Esme and Emmett went out to do some errands. Haircuts, I think."
I nodded, having nothing to say to that.
"She said she would bring back dinner. Would you like to watch some TV before they get home?" he asked, sounding hesitant even to my standards.
I shrugged, adding a, "that's fine," but waiting for him to make the first move. Finally, he did, going to his spot from before and sitting down on the far end of the couch. He gave me a moment before looking back at me, expectantly. Slowly, and cautiously, I sat down on the other end, leaving a good two feet between us. Not that I thought he would do anything to me, but it was best to be on the safe side.
He unmuted whatever he was watching from before and put the remote down next to him. I was happy for once I wasn't asked to find a channel I wanted to watch. I didn't know anything about TV and hated the pressure of trying to find something I thought they would like. Esme always wanted me to pick for myself. Maybe Carlisle had thought about how I hardly ever watched TV, so I wouldn't know what to change it to. Or maybe I was just thinking way too much into this.
He didn't try to make conversation with me, which I was also very grateful for. The house was quiet. I wondered where Alice was. She seemed to be gone a lot lately. Maybe she really did get together with that Jasper guy, even though she wasn't at the movie.
When the show ended, Carlisle flipped it to the Seattle news station.
I had to bite my cheek to keep myself in the present this time. The little tune that was played as the news anchors came on was so familiar to me. Except I usually only heard the voices, rarely had I seen the young blonde woman and middle aged man. But I stared at their faces, because I knew if I looked away or closed my eyes, I would be right back in my old room. Nearly every night I listened to their voices through the thin walls of James' house.
I knew if James had his way, he'd be watching this show right now. Maybe he was. I didn't know what the rules in a prison were, and I didn't want to either. But the thought of him watching the same scene and hearing the same words that I was sent a shiver down my spine.
Thankfully, I didn't have to watch much of it, because the garage door opened at that moment, and I basically jumped off the couch, startled and relieved to have an excuse to do something else.
"Edward! Nice to see you downstairs," Esme said with a big smile. She was holding a large paper sack and Emmett was close behind her. As Carlisle had told me, his hair was indeed shorter. He was carrying two more big sacks, and the two of them made their way to the kitchen. I followed, mostly because I didn't want to hear the news anymore. Esme had talked to me, I would gladly continue the conversation if I could get out of the room.
Once in the kitchen, Esme started pulling small containers out of the bags, and then plates and glasses out of the cupboard.
"Here Emmett, will you gets everyone drink? And Edward can you set the table?" she asked me, holding out the stack of plates. I took them and brought them to the table, noting that there were only four. Alice must not be here after all.
"How's your day been?" she me when I was done. She was bustling around putting the containers of chicken and rice out on the table, so I got out of her way by sitting on the edge of a bar stool.
"It was alright," I told her.
"Yeah? Well good. You seemed pretty tired earlier, or else I would have asked if you wanted to come with us. You could probably use a haircut, it's getting pretty long, you know."
I self-consciously ran my fingers through my messy hair. It was true, this was the longest my hair had been in a long time. James usually kept it pretty short. He just used the razor on it though, I didn't even remember the last time I had a real haircut.
Esme smiled at me, putting her work down and coming over to where I was sitting. Hesitantly, she ran her fingers over the ends of my hair, as if examining it.
"I could probably cut it for you, if you want. Or did you want to leave it long?" she asked gently.
A shiver ran through me at her gentle touch and she removed her hand and back away.
Smiling sheepishly, I answered her while looking at the pattern on the counter top. "I don't know, maybe I'll just leave it long for a while?" I had never had it this long, and it was nice to have something a little different, and something that I could control for the first time.
"Sure, I like it like this anyway." She smiled approvingly at me, and went back to her work. "You can see more of the red," she added.
Glancing at Emmett, he was fiddling on his phone, not looking at me. He was abnormally quiet tonight and I had to wonder if it was because it was awkward now, after the other night. After all the stuff Dr. Garrison had preached to me today, I felt the desire to defend myself. It was all knew to me, after all, and he should have expected me to be nervous. He asked me to go with him after all. He shouldn't be awkward about it now.
"Yeah, my mom had red hair."
It was so unlike me, to bring up something uncomfortable like that, but it just came out. It seemed like a good way to remind him subtly that I was the fuck up, and if he volunteered to hang out with me, he shouldn't be weird about it later.
I watched him as I said it. The moment it came out, his eyes immediately left his phone and went right to mine.
So he was listening to me.
He scrunched his eyebrows a little in confusion. Like he didn't know what was wrong. I rolled my eyes and looked back at the counter.
Esme was back by my side, and she rubbed my back a little and said, "Then you should definitely keep it long."
Thankfully, Carlisle chose that moment to enter the room, breaking up the sudden tension with his, "I'm famished. Is it time for dinner yet dear?"
Once everybody was seated around the table eating what I was told was food from the local Chinese restaurant, the topic of my homeschooling was brought up again.
"Edward decided today that he wants to begin doing some school work again," he said casually.
Esme dropped her fork immediately and gasped excitedly. "Really Edward?" After a nod she continued, "Oh that is wonderful. I hope you'll let me teach you?" she asked longingly.
Carlisle let out a deep laugh. "What did I tell you Edward? You didn't even have to ask."
While I was glad she seemed to truthfully want to help me and I didn't have to wonder if she was just helping because I asked her, I didn't think it was cause for as much celebration as they seemed to think. I was still going to be inconveniencing her way more often now. She shouldn't have to work with me so much.
"Oh of course I'll help you. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I think you'll enjoy it so much and it'll be great for you to have something to keep your attention during the day, don't you think?"
I didn't have to answer because Carlisle continued, "That's not all, he agreed to try out a few piano lessons as well."
My face reddened under their praise, and I wished the conversation would be directed elsewhere like usual. I kept my eyes on my plate.
"Wow, I might get my wish after all," Esme said jokingly. "That's all great Edward, we'll get everything set up for you this week sometime, is that alright?"
I nodded, still not looking up. It was quiet for a moment, only the clinking of forks against the plates making noise. I thought the worst was over.
The next thing I knew, there was a warm hand on my forearm. I froze, only moving my eyes to look at it and see that Carlisle's hand, complete with wedding ring and watch, was lightly gripping me. I wanted it off.
He obviously detected no problem though, for he spoke next in a gentle and praising tone.
"We're very proud of you son. You've been doing a great job with all of this, you know."
Another little pat on the wrist and his hand was gone. The spot where it was felt hot, not cool as it should have after his warm skin left mine. I hated him touching me. It didn't matter that he wasn't James. I hated it and I always would.
But that wasn't what had my heart going at double speed. The moment the word 'son' had left his lips, it felt like some invisible hand had gripped my insides, twisting my stomach and holding on tight.
I was frozen in place, my fork poised at an awkward angle. I was trying hard to remember my place. I was at their dinner table, eating their food. I should be polite. I should ignore it, pretend that it didn't bother me.
But a few seconds was all it took for the bile to start rising in my throat.
In one swift motion, I dropped my fork, slid my chair back and rose to my feet.
I heard Esme calling my name, trying to stop me, but I was already gone. I ran up the stair two at a time, doing my best to keep the dinner I just had down.
As soon as I reached my room, the effort wasn't worth it and my first ever Chinese food reappeared. I just barely had time to make it to the toilet, a small blessing amongst the horror of this day.
Nearly an hour later, and after much contemplation about how many things could possibly remind me of him in one day, I was on my bed with my picture, pretty much just waiting for Esme to come and see if I was okay.
As predicted, I got a knock on my door. I debated about not answering at all, but figured she would barge in here anyway like she always did, so I gave her a mumbled "yeah?"
Only when the door creaked open, it wasn't Esme.
It was Emmett.
My eyes widened without my consent, like they had a whole mind of their own, and I quickly but carefully shoved all my pictures back together in a little stack and held them close, hiding them from view.
"Sorry, I should have said who it was I guess…is it okay if I come in though?" he asked from the door.
Looking around frantically, I decided there wasn't a way around this without sounding rude, so I nodded.
He let out a big breath he had been holding and his shoulders relaxed several inches it seemed. Why was he so nervous?
Leaving the door open, he came in and flopped down on the couch, looking way more comfortable than I probably ever had. His relaxed stance actually did a lot to make me calm down. There wasn't anything to worry about, at least from his perspective. That was a start.
"It's been a long fucking day, man," he said with a heavy sigh.
I then remembered the way he was acting in the kitchen, and noted that this was actually the first time I had heard him speak today. I had assumed it was because of me, but maybe not.
"Why?" I dared to ask. I was still a little defensive, because if he was being awkward around me like earlier, he had a lot of nerve to spend more time with me. It was like volunteering to do something and then complaining about it.
He looked over at me, intrigued. Had he picked up on my defensiveness?
"What? Are you mad at me for something?" He sounded confused.
"No." I said it too quickly. It sounded desperate.
"Oh. You're just…being weird tonight or something I guess. I don't know, maybe it's me."
"You're the one being weird. I thought you were…. I don't know, bothered or something because of the other night."
"What?" He sounded shocked. "No, really, it's not that at all. I seriously already forgot about all that, don't even worry about it." He sounded panicky now, and that was weird for him too.
And I kind of had to doubt that he had already forgotten about Saturday. I mean, I was pretty much hyperventilating and I threw up in front of him, not to mention snapping at him about calling Esme. If he had forgotten, I must not even register on his list of people that interest him, which didn't seem right either. I mean, he was always talking to me and stuff, so it seemed like he at least wanted to try to communicate with me.
"I mean, I've just had other things on my mind is all." He looked nervous now. He was very confusing today. Usually he was much easier to read. I wanted him to continue, and he didn't hold out on me "I…uh, I broke up with my girlfriend. Yesterday. School was kind of rough."
"Oh." I wasn't surprised, he had told me he was going to, but I didn't quite understand it. He was obviously upset about it. Why did he do it?
"Yeah."
We were quiet.
"I haven't told Mom or Dad yet, so if you could…you know, keep that quiet? That'd be cool."
I nodded, finding it unlikely I would ever confide something like that with them anyway.
"Thanks. I don't think they'll really get it."
"I don't get it either."
He sighed. It was easy to be honest with Emmett. Everyone else thought it was a big deal when I said something more than what was required, but Emmett was different. He didn't make it complicated. It was simple to talk with him, and that's what I needed.
This conversation however, was not simple.
"Yeah I guess I don't really either. Yeah I do. I don't know. I just…had to. It's hard to explain."
"Did you…I mean is there someone else? Like another girl you want to…" I didn't finish.
"No. I don't think I'm going to be dating anyone for a while."
"Oh."
He smirked at my simple answer. I was confused as ever.
"So anyway, about earlier, don't let Carlisle bother you. He means well, you know? He's a great guy. Really."
"Did they send you up here to say that?" It made sense. Try something different tonight, instead of Esme. Maybe he would get through better. But it didn't matter what anyone said. I didn't mean to freak out, it just happened.
"You really think that?" he asked sadly.
I shrugged, unsure.
"They didn't. Actually they told me to leave you alone. I'm just saying, you don't need to be scared of him. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"I know. It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
I shook my head. "Nothing. I didn't mean to."
"Was it the son thing? Because he calls everyone that. He calls the bag boy at the grocery 'son.' It's weird, but harmless. Really."
It wasn't the meaning behind the word. I knew he wasn't trying to be my Dad or anything, it was simply because James happened to use the same word. Bad luck, really.
"Was it because he touched you? Esme hugs you and stuff…he probably thought it was okay."
I didn't want to go down that road- at all- so I gave him what he wanted.
"No. It was just…um," I swallowed hard, clearing my throat, "someone used to call me that. I don't like the word is all." I couldn't say James out load. I just got used to referring to him by name in my head, and I didn't like that. I'm sure Emmett would be able to guess who 'someone' was. I only knew so many.
"Dude, that's no big deal. He'd understand that. Not a problem," he told me, sounding genuinely relieved.
"Yeah, I guess."
He let out a small laugh, like he thought the whole situation was a funny misunderstanding.
"Alright, well I should hit the sack. Tomorrow's the last day before break. Off for three whole weeks. Should be great." He told me, standing up and stretching a little, heading for the door. "Hey, it's supposed to snow sometime Thursday or Friday maybe. You've got to go out with me, we can sled or maybe I can show you the trails. You know, snow stuff. Should be fun."
My few memories of playing in the snow were good ones, so maybe it would be fun.
"Anyway, see you tomorrow Edward." He shut the door, leaving me in the silence once again.
It had been an awful day. But a good day too. Somehow I had gone from wallowing in James inspired misery, thinking he would never leave my head for even a second, to spending the last ten minutes with someone, a guy no less, in my room. I hadn't thought about James once.
That night, I dreamt about Emmett for the first time.