EPOV
Thursday, December 16th
My window in James' house had boards over it. It was like that when I got there. But they weren't quite big enough to cover the whole thing, so James nailed them in at an angle, creating a triangle between the top two that I could see out of. I had to be standing, but I was grateful for it.
The first time it snowed while I was there, I cried all day. It scared me for some reason, I guess because it was a sign that time was passing out there and I was still stuck.
I remembered having snow days when I was in school. Mom would bundle me up real tight and send me outside to play with the neighborhood kids. We made snow men and snow angels, and then destroyed them when we had snow ball fights. Mom was always waiting for me to come back so she could peal my wet clothes off in the garage and then give me hot chocolate.
It was days like that which ran through my mind as I watched the snow fall on the quiet street.
One small blessing was that there weren't any young kids on his street, so I didn't have to watch as they all ran around and had fun without me.
Now, as I watched the snow start to fall from my new room in Forks, I wondered if the kids on my old street had missed me at all that first winter. I didn't have many close friends there, I wasn't ever very social, but I thought about a few of them often when I was with James, at least for a little while. Surely they had moved on by now and probably didn't even remember that little kid that used to live on their street. They probably just thought I moved or something anyway.
It was still early in the morning, but I had watched the weather report last night and saw what time the snow was predicted to start, so I made sure I was up at five to see it out my window.
The woods were beautiful with the inch or so that had accumulated on them so far. My stomach was a little queasy when the realization came that I could go out there and play in the snow. Yes, it probably wouldn't be the same as it was when I was a kid, carefree and innocent, but anything was better than nothing.
Four hours later, Emmett woke up. I knew this because of the loud bang and excited yelling that came from his room, and then the hallway, and then from somewhere downstairs.
Maybe it would be just like it was when I was a kid if Emmett's involved.
Soon after, both of us were in the living room, a huge pile of snow stuff on the floor in front of us. Big puffy suits, boots, hats, gloves and scarves were all included, and I took my cue from Emmett on what to put on first. Alice was cuddled up on the couch with a big cup of coffee and Esme was fussing around us, making sure I had everything I needed.
"Come on Alice, don't be a killjoy, come out and play in the snow with us," Emmett pleaded.
"I'll go out when everyone else gets here."
"Who else is coming over? They should be mindful of the roads…" Esme scolded.
"Jasper, Jake and Bella." She ignored the warning.
"No Rosalie, Emmett?" Esme seemed surprised, and I remembered that Emmett told me to keep his breakup quiet.
"Nope, she didn't want to come." Emmett sounded casual. I was impressed with his ability to lie. At least I highly doubted he actually asked her.
"Really? She wouldn't answer her phone when I called," Alice said. "I figured she was just still asleep."
Emmett hesitated a little at that.
"Well, obviously, if she didn't answer the phone she doesn't want to come, does she?"
When I glanced at Alice to see if she bought the lie, her eyebrows were raised and she opened her mouth to question him again, but Emmett said, "Why so many questions? You ready to go Edward?"
Emmett looked like a really tall marshmallow, and I bet I looked similar. I felt bulky and clumsy, but Esme insisted that we wear the snow suits.
"I think so."
"Did you tuck everything in?" Huh?
"Um…"
"Nope, I see sleeves," he scolded. "Give me your arm." I hesitantly held my puffy arm out to him, and he grabbed it, pulling me closer. He began to tuck in the ends of my sleeves that were sticking out from the plastic suit so that they were underneath my gloves. "You've got to tuck everything in, or else snow is going to get inside and melt, then you'll be all wet and cold," he explained. "Pants too. But into your socks, obviously," he told me when he was done with the sleeves.
I began to take my gloves of so I could follow his instruction, but Esme bent down to do it for me. Her fingers felt cold on my overheated skin as she carefully tucked all the loose ends in.
"Thanks."
When she stood up, she pulled down my hat all the way over my ears and closed my zipper of my coat all the way up to my chin. "You're welcome." She smiled. "Have fun you two, okay? Don't get too far into the woods, and check in every once and a while okay?"
"Sure thing Mom."
The first steps out into the freshly fallen snow were a bit surreal.
The white powder crunched under my boots, squishing down so far that I had to raise my foot up out of the hole it made every time I took a step. It was a little like marching, but it was fun.
During the last four or five hours, it had snowed continuously, resulting in snow up well past my boots.
The air was chilly and my eyes stung a little from the wind, but I was smiling. This was exciting.
While waiting on the others to get here, Emmett and I went around the back of the house and into the edge of the woods, playing around kicking up the snow and making snowballs the entire time. The woods were much less creepy without the cover from of leaves. I even ventured down the bank to the creek, which had yet to freeze over and still trickling along.
"This one year when we were little, the water was really high and it froze completely over. Of course we all went straight for the ice. Thought we could be ice skaters or some shit. Well, everyone else was fine but I was the heaviest I guess and I fell right through."
My eyes widened, horrified at the thought of being trapped underneath freezing water.
He saw my expression and chuckled, waving it off. "Nah, it wasn't that bad. I mean the water was high but it's just a little stream, you know? I only went through about up to my waist. Cold as fuck though. By the time I got back to the house my pants were pretty much frozen."
I wasn't sure why he was telling me this, but it quickly and effectively gave me a different side of winter to consider. The dangerous side, and one that freaked me out a little.
I shivered at the thought of Emmett falling into the freezing water he was currently jumping around.
"Maybe we should go back to the yard, the others might be here…" I suggested, trying to sound lighthearted.
Emmett stopped his game and looked up, worry in his eyes.
"Oh, yeah that's fine."
I nodded, glad he agreed so readily, even if it was because he thought I was scared of the woods.
I was scared for him this time, not myself, which was a new feeling.
The others weren't her yet, but Emmett convinced me that we could use this time to start building our defenses for the snowball fight. He got shovels from the garage and we built several waist high walls that he assured me would be just what we needed to hide from attacks.
A truck eventually pulled up and three people hopped out. Once we were all assembled, we had Jake, Jasper, Bella, Alice, Emmett and myself. It was a lot of people, but one stood out as missing, even if I had only hung out with them as a group one time. Rosalie's absence didn't go unnoticed by the others either.
"Are you guys fighting or something?" Jake asked him as soon as all the greetings were over with.
"Yeah, you know she's been pretty quiet all break, I haven't talked to her since school got out," Bella added, sounding suspicious.
"No, we're not fighting, just drop it okay? She didn't want to come, why the interrogation?" Emmett sounded way more irritated than I had ever heard. The others let it go, but I didn't miss the raised eyebrows and curious glances.
Emmett quickly divided us up into teams, Jake, Jasper and Bella on one side and Emmett, myself and Alice on the other.
Soon we were scattered around the yard, everyone throwing chucks of snow at each other, diving behind trees trunks and the edge of the porch. I stuck by Emmett, following his lead, I got some throws in, trying not to be paranoid that Jake might hold a grudge against me when I got him particularly hard on the back of the head. He laughed it off though, clearly just enjoying the game.
Soon enough, it was obvious that nobody was really on sides anymore and the only two that were competitive were Jasper and Emmett.
Before it could get any uglier than it already was- Emmett got a little too excited when he nailed Jasper in the face- Alice suggested that we move our games to the hill to go sledding.
The hill turned out to be right on the other side of the main street their driveway was located on, and while I got a little antsy being so far away from the house, I was okay knowing that I could run back there if anything happened.
The six of us spent an hour or so going up and down on that hill, and by the end of it, I actually sorta felt like I belonged there.
Everyone was getting tired, but they all wanted to do one last race before heading back in. I tried to opt out, considering there were only four sleds and we had been taking turns, but they all insisted that we double up.
"Come on Edward, won't you go on the back of mine?" Alice pleaded with me. I didn't want to cause a scene, so I agreed, noting that the sled was indeed big enough for both of us.
She aligned the sled at the crest of the hill while everyone else prepared to take off. Sticking the heel of her boot in the snow to keep in from falling too soon, she plopped down in the front, looking back at me and waiting patiently, gave me an encouraging smile. I slid in behind her, tucking my feet underneath me.
Giggling, she reached behind her back and grabbed my hands, wrapping them around her snow suit padded waist. "You have to hold on. If you fall off we'll lose," she told me with a smile in her voice. She grabbed the string on the front and from two sleds over, Emmett counted us down.
"Three! Two! One!" and everybody kicked off, diving down the hill in the rush I hadn't experienced for years but after the afternoon reliving childhood games, was now used to again. I understood why Alice made me hold on, for as soon as we were moving I wobbled, and had I not been, I would have fallen off.
The added weight of two people gave us speed I hadn't felt in my previous runs down the hill, and we soon took off ahead of the others. The cold air was sharp against my cheeks but I felt a big smile on my face hearing Alice's giggles and squealing.
We were reaching the bottom, where the incline flattened out dramatically, but we weren't slowing down like we should have been. Alice let out a little scream as our sled veered to the side and came to an abrupt halt at the base of the woods, where the bushes and some small logs stopped our progress. I just fell backwards off the sled and stopped, but Alice flew off the side and rolled through the snow, finally landing in a very unnatural position.
Panic ripped through me. The back of her thick pink coat was all I could see, but the heavy jerking up and down of her chest was obvious. Like she was either breathing really heavily or crying.
"A-Alice?" I fumbled through the snow, noting that the sounds of other sleds had finally stopped as well.
Just I was getting to her and fearing the worst, she rolled over, the arm that had been trapped under her flying out and brushing her red face clear of snow.
She did have tears in her eyes, but they weren't because she was hurt. She was laughing. Like really hard.
"Alice?" I asked again, my voice still sounded frantic, and finally she looked up at me, still from her position on the ground. She didn't say anything though, in fact all it seemed she could do was laugh away at my panic. "You're okay?" I had to check, feeling very responsible for her knowing that her brother and boyfriend were close by.
"Oh god, Edward! That was too funny! I rolled like ten feet!" She finally sat up, patting my gloved hand that was stretched out to her. "I'm fine Edward, don't worry!"
"You're okay?" I asked, a little shaky. She just looked so broken, rolling through the snow like that.
"I'm great, that was so much fun!"
Now I could hear the other's laughter, and I smiled a little bit as the panic subsided. Alice hopped up, running over to where the others landed a ways away.
"Did you guys see that?"
Everybody hiked back up to the house after that. Relieved, I sat on the garage step and yanked my snow boots off. Snow was everywhere, and I was grateful for Emmett's advice about tucking my sleeves in.
Esme was there to collect the really wet clothes, which she threw into the dryer for us. Once we were all deemed dry enough to enter her clean house, everyone but me went to the living room, plopping down on couches, exhausted.
I headed to the kitchen, needing a little break.
I was sitting quietly on a bar stool when Esme joined me in the room. She headed for the stove and put milk and what looked to be chocolate in a pan. While she waited for it to heat, she didn't try to make conversation with me or ask why I wasn't in with the others, she just smiled at me and went about her task. She knew I was way past my social limit for the day, and it wasn't even noon.
I did have fun though. It was nice, forgetting about my life for a bit and just focusing on the activities at hand. The snowy elements were a great distraction, the cold taking up most of my attention, the physical exertion of hiking up and down the snowy hill over and over taking any excess energy.
I could image what it was like to grow up with Emmett and his friends. They were all very carefree and relaxed together. Luckily they didn't seem to have troubles pretending that I was a natural part of that. They all interacted with a grace that obviously came with experience, but each in their own way did their best to accept me. Even Bella, who I was sure knew about my past, didn't act funny around me, at least as far as I could tell.
I hadn't let myself accept the fact that they had all probably seen my picture in the news while we were out in the snow. But here, here in this nice safe kitchen, I let it sink in. The chance of one of them missing the gossip that was surely circulating around their social circle was very slim. It said a lot about them that nobody brought it up, and nobody made me feel any different than they had on that first day I met them.
I reminded myself that Emmett and Alice weren't the Cullen's natural kids. They were adopted, and had come from different pasts, but their friends had accepted them too. Perhaps Emmett and Alice had already done the hard work for me, weeding out the people who would judge me solely on my past. If they had blindly accepted them, why wouldn't they do the same for me?
Esme put a steaming cup of what must be hot chocolate down in front of me on the counter.
"Be careful sweetie, it's hot." She took a tray of the mugs out to the living room.
I followed her, ready to give these teenagers another shot today.
That night, I dreamt about drowning. At first it was me drowning. I was screaming, underwater, trying to tell whoever was up there that I needed help. Why couldn't they see that?
But right when I was about to give up, I was above water, looking down on someone else. It was Emmett, he was drowning. He was sealed under ice, freezing in the stream outside his house, his arms flailing around, trying to break open the ice sheet, until he became too cold and stopped moving.
When I woke up, sweaty and twisted around my sheets, I spent a good amount of time talking sense into myself. Emmett was fine, he was across the hall in his bed, not drowning out back.
But these dreams had to mean something. I mean, never had I before dreamed about something other than my parents, myself, or James. Well, I suppose I had, a long time ago, but not for a long time. So to see Emmett appearing in my subconscious, well it freaked me out a little.
The first night I dreamed about him, it was just Emmett talking to me. He was sitting on my couch, much like he had earlier that night. I was in my bed, relaxed and comfortable. I couldn't even remember what we had talked about when I woke up, but I do remember that it was nice. I was telling him things, like real, significant things, and it felt good to let someone else share some of what was in my head.
The next night was much of the same, except we were in his car. It was dark outside, and he was driving. Just driving, with nowhere to go, because I wasn't anxious. I would have been anxious if we had a destination. That night, I did remember what we talked about. I told him about my mom, in exchange for him telling me about how he came to the Cullens. Again, nothing life altering, but I was content, peaceful almost, knowing that he wasn't forcing me to tell him, but he listened all the same.
Last night, it had been a bit different. I didn't remember much of it, but he was mad at me. He wanted me to do something, go somewhere or something, but I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay right where we were, and keep talking. But he was annoyed with me, and then I didn't want to talk anymore. When I woke up from that one, I was sad and disappointed, but then I realized it was only a dream anyway. I shouldn't become better friends with a fake Emmett than I am with the real one.
But this drowning one, it made me think. I was clearly scared by his story. I was scared of drowning, yes, but really what freaked me out the most was the thought of Emmett being hurt, or even gone. Not that we were that good of friends, but I knew it would hurt, bad, if anything ever happened to him. I cared about him already, and that freaked me out. Nothing good had ever come from me caring about somebody, only pain, and while I knew it was probably impossible for me to stop myself from caring, I was in no rush to get attached to anyone.
Still, the dreams left me curious, and I didn't want them to stop.
Monday, December 20th
Today was a big day for me, or so Esme and Carlisle insisted.
All day on Sunday they had encouraged me to relax and take it easy. Esme made sure I went to bed early to get plenty of sleep and then I woke up to a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
I knew they wanted me to stay calm and not freak out, today of all days.
Today I was taking my placement tests to see where I would be starting with the homeschooling stuff.
Currently, I was sitting at the desk in my room, a bunch of extra pencils and erasers by my side and a big packet of paper stapled together sitting ominously in front of me.
All during breakfast, Esme had been insisting to me that it didn't matter in the slightest how well I did. Everything was a starting point, nobody would be mad if I didn't get a single question correct.
I knew she was trying to make me comfortable, but to be honest, it just made me more paranoid.
She was obviously the more nervous of the two of us, and I didn't think that was because she thought I would do poorly, but she just didn't want me to think I was doing poorly.
Everything I did was a controlled reaction, as much as I could make it. Because I knew they were watching for my response. Sometimes I found the pressure almost unbearable. In this situation I found it kind of sweet.
As far as this test in front of me went, maybe I was a little bit overconfident, but I wasn't worried about it. I was pretty sure this was one thing I would be able to do.
The stuff I did at James', while limited to a few schoolbooks a year and the occasional worn out novel, seemed like they had a lot of information in them, and I had a lot of time on my hands. I knew those books, just like I knew every bit of information from any of the other things he ever brought to my room.
"Are you ready to get started?" Esme asked, for what I hoped would be the final time.
"Mhmm."
"Okay, you've got everything you need, we've gone over the instructions, and I'll be in the office, right next door. If you have any questions, just give me a yell."
She finally left, leaving the door cracked just a tad.
Taking a deep breath, I opened to the first page, read the directions, and got started.
There was math, reading and science. Math had always been a favorite of mine, and somewhere between the exponents and tiny graphs, my mind got lost. I forgot about where I was, why I was doing this, and what it meant if I failed.
I just did the work, letting my mind truly focus on the pages in front of me. It felt really good.
I was surprised when Esme wasn't popping her head in every ten minutes to check on me, but I guessed she wanted me to be able to focus. She told me before I got started that I was free to take breaks as I needed, but I didn't want to. I was enjoying myself, and when I finally finished the last question after what was surely several hours, I smiled, pleased with the day's work.
I went and found Esme, handing her the book I had just completed. It felt weird to be handing over my work, as I usually wanted to keep it safe and orderly. But this was different, I had to keep telling myself that.
She promised to send it off for grading so the homeschooling people could send us the right materials.
"But it's Christmas break for everyone else. You should have a vacation too. No more school until January," she decided.
"But I just started." I didn't mind doing schoolwork while the others didn't.
"And you've done enough work today to last a while, don't you? Besides, you have a lesson with your new piano teacher tomorrow. I wouldn't want you to be worn out for that."
The new teacher's name was Emily. She was older than me, but not much. A few years maybe. Esme told me that she was the daughter of a family friend. It was clear that Esme trusted her, and I hoped I had no reason to disagree. She seemed nice enough. After introducing herself she went right into what we were going to do the first day, no small talk, which was a serious positive if that was how she always worked.
Motioning me towards the piano bench, I slid in on one side and she did the same on the other. We were sitting close, but not too close. I did my best to reason with myself. She wouldn't, and probably couldn't hurt me. There was no need for me to be nervous around her.
She spent most of the first hour explaining the basics. Since I didn't know how to read music either, she took one of the beginner's piano books Esme had gotten me and started going through it, showing me what the different notes and symbols meant. I had glanced at them before now, but couldn't make any sense of it. Now I felt like I could figure some of it out on my own. We went over which keys were which and where to put my fingers. After demonstrating some seemingly simply stuff, she let me try. She seemed pleased with my progress for the day, and gave me some simple homework to do before our next lesson.
The whole thing was a little uncomfortable, but not unbearably so. I could do this, and I think I wanted to. Everything we did today was intriguing, if not a little bit fun. I felt like playing the piano was something I could learn on my own, but with a little guidance from her to get me on the right path. I actually wanted to do this, to improve with something, which was a new feeling. Whenever I was with James, stuck in that room with nothing new to do, I always imagined that as soon as I got my hands on something that actually could stimulate my brain, challenge me maybe, I would be hooked. I spent time daydreaming about having something new to try, I didn't even know what, just something else. But here I was, in this new place where the sky was basically the limit as far as the Cullens were concerned. All I had to do was ask, they told me, yet I hadn't really asked for anything. I hadn't felt like trying anything new so far, just being content with the basics. Maybe I needed more time, but I felt like if I had known that I wouldn't do anything new even if I had a chance to a few months ago, I would have been seriously disappointed in myself. I was wasting all these opportunities.
I guess I had always assumed that the only thing holding me back was the walls I was stuck behind. I knew that wasn't the case now, but I wanted to change it. Playing the piano was a manageable way to get started. I promised myself I would practice, and I would master everything I was taught.
Emmett and Alice didn't have school, so they were home all afternoon with me. Esme had some work in Port Angeles she wanted to get done, and I told her I would be fine without her for a few hours.
I couldn't decide if it was sweet of her to continually worry about stuff like that, or completely overbearing. I mean, it was a little silly of her to think that as soon as she left the house, I would immediately come down with some type of fit, considering I spent most of my time alone anyway. Dr. Garrison reminded me that I wasn't used to people caring about me like that, and it was actually a sign of affection. I guess I could see her point, but it was still a little annoying.
I happened to be downstairs when Esme left, and it took her like five minutes to get out the door.
I plopped on the couch after her car was finally down the driveway, happy to have some quiet for a minute.
"She finally gone?" Emmett's voice came from the top of the stairs.
"Mhmm," I answered without looking up at him.
His heavy footsteps came down towards me. "Good, I'm starving. You had lunch yet?"
He didn't wait for an answer, proceeding directly to the kitchen. I took this as an invite and followed.
Half of his body was hidden behind the pantry doors as he was bent over and digging through stuff. I could hear packages ruffling and things sliding around. When he surfaced, he had a bag of chips in his teeth and was holding several other assorted food items in his arms, I didn't even know what most of it was.
"Want a sandwich?" he asked through his teeth.
I chuckled at his muffled voice and shrugged, sitting down off to the side on a bar stool.
He dumped his load of snacks on the counter before going to the fridge and repeating his routine. Then he proceeded to assemble two large sandwiches. Sliding a cold soda towards me on the countertop and handing the paper towel rapped sandwich to me, he hopped right up on the counter a few feet away and dug into his own.
"She's killing me, being home all the time, you know?" He paused to take a bite, and I did the same. I was actually pretty hungry, and it was a good sandwich. "I mean, not that I don't want her to be home, but sometimes I just need a break. She used to be gone a few times a week at least, for work stuff."
A wave of guilt swept through me at that. I was keeping her from her work. But I already knew this, and she had assured me she would rather be here.
"She must be driving you crazy." He took a huge gulp of his drink.
"She's just scared to leave me alone or something." I shrugged, setting my sandwich down and wiping my hands of crumbs. "You'd think she'd realize I'm pretty good at being alone." I cracked the can open and took a drink of my soda. The carbonation was weird. I didn't drink a lot of soda, James never bought it and my parents didn't let me have it.
When I looked up at Emmett, his sudden stillness and silence catching my attention, he was looking at me strangely. It wasn't pity exactly, more like fear. I repeated what I had said in my head, but found nothing too extreme.
"What?"
He shook his head, looking down towards his sandwich again. "It sucks to hear you say that kind of stuff."
Oh. "Sorry." It was just the truth. This particular truth didn't bother me. "I don't mind being alone. Sometimes alone is good." Being alone wasn't the problem with my life. It was what happened in between being alone. If I was by myself there obviously wasn't anyone there to hurt me.
Emmett hummed a little. He disagreed but wasn't going to fight me on it. He was back to the sandwich and then onto the snacks.
"Have you had these?" He held up a blue package of some type of cookie. I shook my head. "Oh shit, you better be hungry today." He started opening things, a lot of things, and starting stacks of stuff I was supposed to eat. "You should start eating more junk food."
I squinted my eyes at him, confused. He sounded so serious, like it was something that I really needed to be doing. "But it's bad for you." My parents were always big into eating healthy, I remember. We never had junk food around the house, and I don't remember ever wanting it that much. I guess it was good, because that meant I didn't miss is when I was at James'.
"Nah, you're a teenage guy. Enjoy the metabolism while you've got it, at least that what I tell myself."
I picked up a tiny black and white cookie and crunched on it. I had to admit, I may have been missing out.
Emmett and I worked our way through most of the pantry's good junk food, or so he told me. By the time he was satisfied that I was at least introduced to a good variety, I was stuffed. I hadn't eaten this much in a long time, and the soda probably hadn't helped much.
Feeling a little sick, I was quick to agree to his offer of video games, if it meant I could sit still for a while.
That's when it got…confusing.
Emmett grabbed the controllers and headed back around the coffee table. He handed one to me and we both sat. At the same time. So there was no judging where to sit or how far or close we were.
It just so happened that we were close. Like, very close. Not quite touching, but close enough that if either of us moved our legs, they would brush each other. His elbow bumped mine, and I held really still, waiting to see what he was going to do.
But he didn't do anything. If he noticed that we were way closer than usual, he didn't say anything. He just started up the game and began as usual, teaching me what was going on and how to manipulate my character.
But what was really weird about this situation was what I did. Because I didn't do anything either. Usually if this happened, I would have been up and out of there so fast he wouldn't even have noticed what was wrong. But in the few seconds it took me to comprehend the situation, I didn't feel any panic or sudden urge to protect myself. In fact, I felt pretty comfortable. Which didn't make any sense.
As Emmett pointed out the other day, I didn't have a huge problem with Esme casually touching me, she hugged and patted my back, stuff like that, but it was all a conscious action. I saw it coming and could brace myself. It wasn't always like that though, like when Carlisle touched my arm. That shot fear right up the limb into my brain. So why was I okay right now?
I focused my attention on Emmett's words so he wouldn't notice my dilemma, but it was always there just underneath the surface.
But after a half hour or so, I noticed something else. Emmett was getting distracted, messing up more than I would expect him to. A few times he even stopped playing completely, just staring at the screen while holding the controller loosely in his hand.
And right now? Well right now I was starting to freak out, because he was staring at our barely touching knees. It wasn't being ignored anymore, and I didn't feel the need to pretend that I didn't notice his strange behavior. I looked at his face. Like turned my head and stared at him, wondering what on earth was going through his mind.
His eyebrows were scrunched a little, and he looked a little dazed, like he was daydreaming or something.
What in the world was wrong with me right now? Why wasn't I freaking out? Even as I thought that my brain was screaming at my leg to move. I should be moving, why didn't I want to? His leg was there, it was heavy and warm against mine so there was no denying it.
Finally, I did move. But not the way I should have. I pressed my knee into his knee, nudging him a little. His eyes suddenly grew huge and shocked looking, and he immediately shot his attention back to my face, clearly over the little moment he was having.
His mouth opened, like he wanted to say something. Actually, he was just kind of moving it open and shut, looking shocked and at a loss for something to say. But now we were both looking at each other, and we were really close, so naturally our faces were close. Neither one of us said anything. He looked so worried that he might be sick or something, which honestly was a nice change because that look was probably on my face a lot.
So, because I had to do something, I smiled a little. Maybe more of a smirk. But the point of it was to show him I was okay and not about to freak out. But the truth was, I didn't get what was happening right now, at all, and if he didn't stop staring at me then I was going to freak out.
Finally, he looked down and shook his head a little, as if clearing it. He glanced at the screen.
"You want to start this one over?"
"Yeah."
When we were both seemingly absorbed in the game again, I realized this was very out of character for him, to not bring up what just happened. He was someone who usually dealt with weird shit directly. He seemed to be ignoring whatever just happened between us.
His knee was still very close to mine. It wasn't touching, but obviously if he was bothered by it he would have moved. So, he wasn't bothered by it? He liked being that close to me.
Granted, I didn't know a lot about social stuff, but I was pretty sure this wasn't completely normal for two guys who were supposed to be friends.
But…I obviously wasn't bothered by it either. I mean, I noticed it, sure, but if it didn't set me off, I was clearly okay with it. Did I like being that close to him?
We both about jumped out of our skin when Alice appeared behind us all of a sudden.
"Hey guys, where's Mom?"
Emmett literally dropped his controller on the ground and flew up off the couch.
"What?" he asked her frantically. "I mean, where did you come from?"
She looked at him like he was insane, and I sorta thought so too.
"What is your problem? I was upstairs. Where's Mom?"
"Oh, ahh, she went to do some work. Said she'd be home around four." He ran a hand over his face. I noticed it was sort of red.
"Okay…." She said very suspiciously. She glanced at me, looking confused. I tried my best to look confused with her.
"You guys okay?"
I looked at Emmett for the answer, because I didn't actually know if he was anymore.
"Pssh, of course we are Alice. You don't need to interrogate us, just because Mom's not here to do it." He picked up his controller and sat down again.
This time, he sat much farther away. I instantly was very conscious of the lack of body heat next to me and...I think I missed it.
EMPOV
Breaking up with Rosalie was…ugly.
She had asked to come over to my house, I insisted we go to hers. I knew she would be upset after, and I didn't want her to be driving.
When I got there, she met me at the front door. I could tell she already knew what was happening by the look on her face and to be honest, I wasn't surprised. I hadn't exactly been subtle about my intentions, basically avoiding her for the past week and blowing off any suspicions she had raised.
We went up to her room, like we had countless times before. But this time was different, and the tension was heavy.
She sat on the edge of her bed, I sat on her desk chair. We were silent for a moment, but that never lasted long with us.
"Emmett, I don't understand. I thought we were…happy." She didn't sound at all like her usual confident self. She was looking at me, not with the strong, hard eyes she usually had, but with confused and scared eyes.
"I know. I thought so too Rose. We were happy, I promise. But…it's different now." I said it with an equally weak voice. I was just as scared as she was.
"What does that even mean? Nothing is different, nothing has changed." She sounded angry now. She was getting defensive, protecting herself. That was good.
I searched for something to tell her, something that would make all of this make sense. "I don't know what to say."
"Well, you have to say something Emmett. Clearly you're the one with a problem here, so man up and spit it out."
"It's not like that Rose! I don't have a problem with you. You're perfect, and I wish I could stay with you but…I just can't."
"I'm perfect, but you can't be with me." She said it as if it was a fact, but that made it sound even crazier. "That's what you're telling me?"
"Yes, that's the truth."
She nodded, thinking for a few moments. When she looked back at me, her eyes looked like she could send some type of death ray through me. I looked away.
"It must be bad. Whatever happened that you won't tell me. Maybe I don't even want to know, if it's that bad. But the fact that you can't tell me? After all the time we've been together, if you can't just say it, if we're over anyway…it's pathetic."
I already knew that, but it stung just the same. I knew what she was saying was absolutely true, but it couldn't make me tell her.
What if I did just spit it out? Right now. I could say it. I could say Rosalie, I'm gay. You've been dating and sleeping with a gay guy for years.
That's not what she wanted to know. That wouldn't satisfy her, it would only crush her. It would embarrass her and confuse her and make her second guess everything she ever did with me, and she didn't deserve that.
So as much as it hurt me to keep it in, and as much as it killed her to not have an answer, I sat there silently.
"Fine. Just go." She got up. Opened the door. I sat there, in her chair, and stared at where her body just was. I felt frozen with disbelief. How had this happened to me?
"Emmett. Get out." She said it with hostility and rage, but I knew better. She was upset, just pretending to be angry so I couldn't see it. I was glad she could do that right now, because I sure couldn't.
I got up. Walked to the door. Passed where she was standing with her arms crossed. She wasn't looking at me, so I just went through the door without anything. No hug or kiss, no goodbye, no I'll see you tomorrow, nothing. I just left.
Once in my car, I started it and drove away, but just out of sight of her house. Then I parked on the curb and sat there, doing my very best not to cry.
I had expected to feel like shit, and I did, but once I put that aside, there was something else. Relief.
It was over, I had done it, and that was that. No changing it now, and that was sheer relief.
We would both be okay. I knew we would be sad for a while, but she could move on. She could find someone new and be happy with them too, I knew she could.
Maybe one day a long ways away from now, she would be happy with someone else and I could tell her why. We could be friends again, like we had started out.
I could only hope.
In the meantime, it would be awkward and messy. My friends were her friends, but I wasn't about to fight her for them. She could take whatever she wanted.
I felt a little dizzy, and a little sick, at the thought of what I had just done, but it felt right, in a messed up sort of way.
I drove home, ready to face the whole slew of other problems I had just created by fixing just one.
One such problem, if you wanted to call it that, what basically smacking me in the face every single day. Today was particularly brutal.
Edward.
He had complicated my life more than I thought possible in the last few weeks, and while my feelings for him were constantly freaking me the fuck out, I knew I would forever be grateful for his presence.
He, whether he knew it or not, woke me up. I was in some type of denial filled daze for pretty much my entire life until he came here. Once I snapped out of it, I realized that it was so obvious. Like I'm seriously surprised I lasted this long type obvious.
I was gay, and I could date all pretty girls I wanted, but it wasn't going to change that simple fact.
But the problem was just that. Where did I stand now? What did I do?
I didn't want to come out. It wasn't so much that I was scared to, although that was part of it, but I just didn't want to. I hadn't even figured it out for myself yet, so I was nowhere near ready for anyone else to try to figure it out. I couldn't explain it, and I didn't want to tell anyone until I was really comfortable with everything.
Maybe I could go away to college, somewhere farther than where I had planned. Somewhere that I didn't know anybody, and I could just be out. I wouldn't have to tell people here for a while, and I could get more comfortable with myself at the same time.
But the thought of trying to do something like that left one big gaping hole in what I really wanted. The idea of leaving Edward behind, of me going off and starting completely over, was seriously depressing.
Now that Rosalie was out of the way, it was so obvious what I wanted. I wanted him to like me. I wanted us to be able to figure this out together. I wanted to be able to really be myself with him. But it was all just useless dreaming, because we weren't on the same page. Edwards would never be on this page, he might not even pick up the same book. And the sooner I accepted that, the better. The sooner I could move on, the faster I could figure this all out for myself.
But while I was here, in Forks in my parent's house, I wasn't going to move on, at least for a long while.
So that put me where I was today.
Sitting in the kitchen, eating a sandwich with Edward.
My small talk skills seriously needed work. All I could think to say was how irritated I was with Mom always hanging around.
"She must be driving you crazy."
Edward was slowly nibbling away at his sandwich. I had decided to take it upon myself to get the guy to eat more. He was definitely healthier looking than when he first got here, but still could put on some weight. A little junk food couldn't hurt.
"She's just scared to leave me alone or something." He shrugged, putting down his food and not looking at me. "You'd think she'd realize I'm pretty good at being alone."
I flinched. He was getting good at sneaking little comments like that in. I didn't know if he did it on purpose or if it came up naturally for him, but every time it was like I just got slapped in the face. It was great that he was sharing bits of his past with me, because that meant he was getting comfortable with me, but it hurt to be reminded like that. Nobody should have to be used to being alone. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be by myself more than I was with people.
When he asked me what the problem was, I was honest with him. No use sugar coating if he already brought it up.
"It sucks to hear you say that kind of stuff."
"Sorry." He shrugged it off, clearly not sorry. "I don't mind being alone. Sometimes alone is good."
Another slap in the face. Yes, alone was good to him. That wasn't so hard to understand, yet it still stung.
I didn't want him to think we had to talk about hard stuff when he was around me, so I changed the subject. The guy didn't know what Oreos were. That was something that needed fixing, and that I could fix. He gave me some shit about not eating healthy, and I tried not to let it show, but was amazed at how even after all the shit he'd been put through, he still had better habits than I did.
When we both sat down at the same time, yeah, I noticed that we were close. Like really close. But here's the thing. Edward had a habit of sitting about as far away from people as he could possibly get. And okay, if that's what made him comfortable, then that's what he should do. But the fact that he was willing to sit on the same couch with me in the first place said a lot, and he didn't exactly jump up and run away after we sat down. So I had to assume that he wasn't in any serious discomfort. And he had no reason to be when he was with me. Yeah, I admit. I liked it. It felt good to be close to someone, whether he thought about it the same way I did or not. So I didn't move, and I didn't show any signs that I noticed our close proximity, in hopes that it would last a little while. But after we were settled and quiet playing the game, I let my mind wander.
How nice would it be to be sitting this close because we both wanted to, not because of some clumsy fluke when we sat down? How amazing would it be to be able to be close to a guy and to feel natural about it, like it was meant to be that way?
I looked at our knees. It was something so simple, just two knees, but I could image it being so much more. God, what I would give to be to hug him, or hold his hand. I had never kissed anyone but Rosalie, but I knew the only person I would ever want to kiss was him. I tried not to think about that kind of stuff when it came to Edward, because I just wanted to kiss him so fucking badly, and I knew I couldn't. I shouldn't get carried away with stuff like that because it wasn't fair to him. He had no idea where my mind was, and I expect he would be mortified of where it had a tendency to drift off to if I didn't stop it in time.
But a simple nudge of his knee would be enough to make me happy for a while. When his knee actually did nudge mine, I thought maybe I had been so focused that I imagined it. But then I realized I hadn't thought about the game I was supposed to be playing in way too long and snapped my eyes up off his leg to see if Edward noticed.
He did.
He was watching me. And now I was watching him. We got stuck in some type of staring contest. I wanted to pretend that he had been thinking the same things about me, that he wanted some type of life together, but I knew it wasn't true. Still, I thought I saw something in his eyes. For a moment he looked…like he understood. But that was crazy.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything really, but nothing came out and I probably looked like a fish out of water. I didn't know how to salvage this moment.
The possibility that he was about to have some type of mental freak out was weighing pretty heavily on my mind when he hadn't looked away after several seconds. Thankfully, he broke the trance when he gave me a halfhearted crooked grin.
That final snapped me out of it and I looked back at the game and pretended like none of it happened. I needed to think about how to deal with this before I did anything else insane.
Then Alice scared the shit out of me.
It was one thing if Edward didn't know what it meant by me allowing us to sit so closely for so long, but Alice sure would. That wasn't a normal teenage guy friend thing to do. Luckily, I don't think she saw it and hopefully her suspicion would be more focused on my bizarre reaction than what she walked in on.
She joined Edward and me in the living room and I was now sitting an acceptable distance away from Edward.
I missed the heat of his body and the weight of it next to me immediately.