EPOV
Tuesday, December 21st
Somehow, and I honestly don't know how she did it, Esme had convinced me to go to the grocery store with her.
I had been getting up pretty early lately, since I was finally sleeping a little better, and since Alice and Emmett were off of school they were here but slept in pretty late. It wasn't unusual not to see them until lunch. Carlisle was still working his normal schedule, so Esme and I were left alone for a while every day.
When I came down for breakfast this morning, Esme had asked if I wouldn't mind going with her. She assured me the store would be pretty empty, seeing as it was a weekday and early in the morning.
So here I was, sitting in her car as it pulled into a half empty parking lot in front of the grocery.
Esme tried to pretend like it wasn't a big deal but we both knew better. We walked into the store together, me sticking very close to her side. When she got a cart, I felt the urge to hold onto the side, just like my mom used to make me do. It was childish and ridiculous, but all the same I did my best to stay close to her the whole time.
Once we were inside, she turned towards the fruits and vegetables. I looked around, trying to see who was looking at me. To my relief, the few people who were here were going about their own business, looking at the shelves of products and not caring who else had just joined them in the store. I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm down. I was okay.
Esme had stopped at a display of potatoes and was placing them in a clear plastic bag.
"Will you go and grab some apples for me? Get five or so." She was tying up her bag and not looking at me, but I expected she knew this request would make me nervous. The fruit in question was a ways away from her, and while there wasn't anybody else in the area, it just felt wrong to go off by myself in this place. But she wanted me to, so I did.
I copied what she had done, grabbing the bag from the roll and peeling it open. There were hundreds of apples to choose from it seemed and I had trouble deciding which ones to select. Not to mention that they were all in such disarray that I was pretty sure if I dislodged the wrong one the whole stack would come down on me.
Glancing at Esme, I saw that she had moved on to another food and I needed to hurry up. She wasn't looking at me though, which was good because I didn't want her to see me have such a problem with something a little kid could surely do with much less anxiety.
Finally, I was able to grit my teeth and chose a few, but felt stupid as I rushed back to Esme and handed them to her. I felt better as soon as I was back by her side.
As she continued down the aisles, she asked me if there was anything I wanted.
"Don't you want to pick out some snacks or something? Feel free to grab whatever you want to try."
I basically ignored her because I honestly didn't know what to grab and I didn't really want anything.
While she was picking out cereals, I couldn't help but notice the complete mess these boxes were in too. While I thought she wasn't looking, I went for a shelf where one of the cereals had been shoved back in sideways. After straightening that one out, I went for the ones around it, feeling much better when they were all aligned.
"Honey? What are you doing? Did you want one of those?" Esme asked, sounding a little amused. I jumped a little, not realizing I was being watched.
Shaking my head frantically, I answered her, "No, no. I was just…fixing it."
She looked oddly at me for a second before chuckling and moving on, patting my elbow as she passed me. I hurried to follow.
I must admit, this outing was going much better than I would have predicted and I was relieved, finally feeling like I was getting a break for once.
By the time we reached the soda aisle, I was pretty relaxed actually, feeling comfortable in the store.
"Do you have a favorite soda?" she asked, pulling a box of Coke out and slipping it on the rack underneath the cart.
"Not really. I think I don't like all the bubbles."
"Really? Well then there's always tea or lemonade if you wanted something non-carbonated."
"That's okay. I think I just prefer water anyway."
She smiled and told me that was fine. "Much healthier anyway."
As we were leaving that aisle, a woman's voice very shrilly and suddenly said, "Esme!"
I about jumped out of my skin, but neither of the two women seemed to notice. We both turned around, looking for the source of the offensive noise.
"Oh Donna, I didn't see you there. How have you been?" Esme asked politely, positioning the chart off to the side a little which conveniently separated me from this new woman.
"We've been great, staying busy, how about yourselves?"
"We're all just fine, getting ready for Christmas of course," Esme smiled at the lady.
"I would suspect you've been extra busy lately. This must be Edward?" she looked at me, smiling an overly enthusiastic, toothy grin which made me cringe a little.
"Yes, it is. I'm so sorry Donna but Edward and I were just finishing up and we really are in a bit of a hurry this morning. Do you mind if I just talk to you later?"
The woman's face fell, highly disappointed she wouldn't get to witness some type of gossip-able event for herself. Esme didn't wait for a reply.
"Great. Say hello to Dave and the kids for me, alright?" And with that she turned and began pushing the cart again, smiling at me and nodding forward for me to follow.
To say I was stunned would probably be an understatement. Esme, sweet little caring Esme, just completely denied that woman any and all forms of communication with me, which is what she obviously wanted. It was a little shocking to see her being so assertive and confrontational.
Nothing was said about it however, and whether she really was done shopping or not, Esme led me over to a register, where I helped her unload her items onto the little conveyer belt and the teenager swiped them over the scanner.
I half expected the girl, who was eyeing me curiously, to start asking Esme questions about me too, but she didn't. Once she was done, she told us both to have a nice day and while she was probably directing that at Esme, she was looking right at me, smiling in a subtle kind of way. I almost expected her to wink at me. Confused, I gave her a quick smile and nod back and rushed after Esme, who was pushing her full cart out to the parking lot again.
"There, that wasn't so bad now was it?" she asked me with a grin as she slammed her door shut and started the heater. I got situated as well, buckling my seatbelt and shoving my hands in my coat pockets. As she backed out of the spot, I had to admit to myself that no, it hadn't been so bad.
"Esme?"
"Yes dear?"
"Thank you."
She stopped warming her fingers in front of the little vents and glanced over at me. She knew what I was talking about. She had sided with me over that lady, who clearly thought they were friends. She didn't let me have a reason to be scared. Besides from that, she got me out of the house again and had proven that I wasn't going to be attacked by mobs of reporters every time I went somewhere.
"You're quite welcome Edward. Anytime."
Wednesday, December 22nd
It was a quiet day today. Esme and Emmett had gone out to do some Christmas shopping, but Alice was still around somewhere and Carlisle would be home early today, or so I was told. Esme had tried to get me to go with her, but I insisted that I would rather stay around the house today. I think she agreed, because she didn't fight me very hard on it. I figured there'd be a lot of people out so close to Christmas.
Esme left me lunch in the fridge along with directions about how to heat it up when I was hungry. My session with Dr. Garrison was in a few hours. I was going downstairs to eat lunch so I could have a while to practice piano before she came.
Thinking I had the downstairs to myself, I wandered on down the staircase, not at all expecting what I found at the bottom.
My first sign was a tiny giggle. Freezing, I shot my head up, looking for the source of the sound. I saw nothing. Right when I thought I had imagined it, there was a shuffle. Then a knee. A jean clad, guy's knee. It came up from the other side of the couch, only appearing for a second before disappearing behind the cushion again.
My mouth was hanging wide open and I was staring at the place the knee had just been. Why I couldn't make my body move in these situations, I will never know, but there I was. I don't think I made any noise but a few seconds later Alice's head bobbed up as well. She was looking down and smiling excitedly before she caught a glimpse of me. The double take that probably gave her neck pains would have been funny in just about any other situation.
"Edward!" she shot up, immediately getting off of an equally shocked Jasper, before they separated to different ends of the couch.
"Shit, I thought you said nobody was home!" he said in a hushed whisper to her that I could still hear perfectly.
Alice, who was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, was glancing frantically back and forth between me and Jasper, stuttering out a, "I-I thought everyone was gone!" Looking to me, she added, "Mom said you were going with her."
I couldn't do anything except look at the floor and shake my head 'no'.
"Edward, I didn't mean to…"
Finally, my legs decided to function again and I turned for the stairs, up them and out of sight before she had time to finish her sentence. I heard there hushed voices again and thought for a moment that I could stop and listen to see what they were saying about me, but was too embarrassed to stop moving.
I didn't leave my room again until I heard the doorbell ring and someone let Dr. Garrison in. I met her in the office, grateful that Alice was nowhere to be seen on my way there.
I think she noticed something was off with me right away but instead of jumping right in, she started easy.
"What have you been doing today?"
"I was practicing." It wasn't a lie. It turns out music was a pretty good distraction and I had taken full advantage of that today.
"How are your lessens going? Enjoying them?"
"I only had one so far, but yeah, I think so."
I fidgeted uncomfortably in my seat. I could hear noises from downstairs and I wanted to know what was going on. Was that Alice still or were the others home? Would Alice tell them what happened?
I grabbed the drawstring on the hood of my sweatshirt. Twirling it around the tip of my finger, I wrapped it tight before letting it go and starting over.
"Edward, did something happen? It seems like something is bothering you."
I was never a good liar. The weak, "nothing," I responded with most definitely did not convince her.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
I bit my lip, listening to the sound of a car starting outside. Was Jasper leaving?
"I, um… went downstairs earlier and Alice and Jasper were there on the couch. I mean, they were…" I started, not sure how to finish telling the story. I shook my head. Twirled the string.
"Jasper is….?"
"Her boyfriend." I knew my face was red. If I wasn't sure about that before, I had little doubt now.
"I see. And they were downstairs when you got there." She left it for me to continue the story, but I just looked at the floor, very uncomfortable. I felt the blood pulsing in my face.
She waited for a moment and then filled in the gaps on her own. "Were they being… intimate?" she asked.
Now I felt like my face was about to burn off and I wouldn't dare look at her. I merely shrugged, hoping she could use her doctor powers and guess what that meant.
"And I take it this made you rather uncomfortable?" It was a question, but not really. She didn't need the answer, it was already pretty clear.
"What happened next? Did they see you?"
Happy that she wasn't lingering on what I actually saw, I jumped at the chance to keep the conversation moving.
"Alice saw me and I went back upstairs."
"Was she upset?"
"I don't think so…" I hadn't really thought of that. I guess I had walked in on them, maybe she was mad. She seemed more embarrassed than anything.
"Can you tell me why you're so uncomfortable?"
I said nothing. I didn't want to talk about this. I wanted to ignore it, like I had all day today. It didn't have to be a big deal, it could just go away.
"Edward." She didn't say anything until I looked at her. Her eyes were directed straight into mine, keeping my attention. "It's okay for you to be uncomfortable about sex."
As soon as the word left her mouth, I knew the blood left my face. A wave that left me dizzy started at the top of my head and worked its way down until my stomach flipped.
Stuttering and awkward, I tried to save the conversation and pass it off as a misunderstanding. "Th-they weren't doing…that." I was shaking my head, denying everything.
"I understand. But I also see a reasonable connection from what you saw them doing and a sexual act. It's understandable for you to think of one when you see the other. It's important for you to know that your feelings and reaction towards what you witnessed are completely justifiable."
I didn't think so. They weren't doing anything wrong. Obviously they were enjoying themselves. Nobody was being hurt. They were just kissing. Horizontally and enthusiastically, but still. It was normal. I was not. I was the problem. I freaked Alice out, staring at her like a lunatic.
My chest felt like it was tightening. My stomach was clenched. I couldn't get it out of my head. Somehow, I was the freak and they got to be normal. And I couldn't even witness their normal without losing it.
"Take a deep breath Edward. Everything you're feeling is okay."
"You don't fucking know what I'm feeling," I snapped at her. She wanted to pretend like she had it all under control, like she knew where my head was at and what to say, but she had no idea how to fix me.
"Then help me out. Tell me what's going through your head so I can help you."
"You'll just tell me what I want to hear so I'll think everything's okay. I don't want people to fucking lie to me anymore. I'm not like them. So just stop."
"I promise you, I will not lie to you. Only the truth. Lying, or beating around the bush, won't get us anywhere. Do you agree?"
I shrugged, just enough to get her to move on. It would definitely help her out.
"I know living in a house with other teenagers is a bit of a blessing and a curse for you, isn't it? You get to learn from them and they can help you a lot, by being your friends. And I think you already have a good friendship with both of them, don't you think?"
"They have to."
"No, I don't think that's true. I think they are able to. Because of your proximity to them you let them in a bit more. Especially Emmett. I think others would too if you gave them a chance."
I didn't want to give anyone else a chance. I had enough going on, I didn't want anybody else getting sucked in by my crazy tendencies.
"But you need to be careful too. It's very easy to let yourself be pressured into thinking a certain way, based on your observations of them. Like it or not Edward, this is the truth, you're going to think differently than them about some things. Your reactions and emotions might not be just like theirs, but that's okay. You're going to need to learn how to handle the things that maybe don't come as easy for you."
Yeah, I fucking knew that already, thanks. It didn't take a doctor to let me know I was different from them. And that there was nothing I could do to change it.
"So how did you handle it today? What you saw Alice doing something you were uncomfortable with?"
"I didn't do anything. I just went upstairs." I said it a little defensively, because she really couldn't tell me I did something wrong if I didn't do anything.
"Yes, and now you've spent your day upset about it. Am I right?"
"No, I was fine until you made me talk about it."
She smiled a little at that. "It won't get any easier if you just ignore it. You need to confront these thoughts, not bury them away."
I didn't see the point, and I didn't want to.
"You said you were practicing. Has that been a useful tool to help you think things through?"
I wasn't thinking anything through, but it was useful in the form of a distraction.
"No. I can just focus on something…else. It feels good." I was beginning to enjoy it a lot actually. I was happy she made me do it, although I wouldn't admit that to her. Best not to give her that kind of weapon.
"What went through your mind when you saw them?" she asked, abandoning that line of questioning.
"I don't know. Nothing."
"What made you leave the room?"
"I just didn't think I should be there."
"Yes, it was a private moment, however they were in a common place in the house. You did nothing wrong by witnessing it. Was that the only thing you felt?" she asked skeptically. I brought it up, but I regretted it now.
I shrugged. She raised her eyebrows, waiting.
"I just felt weird. Nervous or something," I finally mumbled, not at all wanting to get into this.
She finally nodded, seemingly satisfied. "Good, Edward. Anxiety is a way your body tells you there could be danger. It's a warranted reaction for you in this situation, don't you think?"
I didn't want to think about if it was or not.
"Can we talk about something else?"
She sighed a little, clearly not done with this topic, but finally let it be.
"We're not going to meet again until next Wednesday. How are you feeling about Christmas coming up?"
I shrugged. I hadn't given it much thought. It was just another day to me.
"Holidays can be hard. You don't want to talk about anything?"
I knew holidays were hard without my parents. I had already gone through quite a few of them and I didn't think I would all of a sudden need her help to get through one.
"I've done it on my own every time, you know." It came out a lot more aggressively than I really wanted. I just wanted her to know I could do it by myself. I did a lot of things alone just fine.
"I understand, but now you have help, should you accept it."
"I don't need help with this." The hostility was put there purposefully this time.
She watched me. I looked at my knee and twisted the string on my hoodie.
"Alright. I'm going to leave you my phone number. If you want to talk about something, feel free to call. If I don't answer, leave a message and I promise to call back, okay? You could even text me if that's more comfortable. You know Esme and Carlisle are both here for you if you're having a hard time this weekend. You're not alone anymore Edward, even if it feels that way sometimes. You have help," she repeated.
I had been anticipating her asking me to tell her about my last Christmas with James, so I was relieved when she started wrapping up.
I really hadn't been worried about Christmas. I was good at going someplace else during times like that. Just like birthdays, which were always a big deal with my Mom, it was easy for me to push it out, ignore it, and pretend it was something else. That was the easiest way, the only way, for me to deal with things like that. I didn't see any reason to change that. It would just be another day, and that's all I wanted.
A few hours later, a knock on my door alerted me to Esme's presence. I was flat on the middle of my bed, arms crossed over my chest, staring at the ceiling. I dreaded another conversation like the one I just had.
She came in and paused at my door. I didn't look at her. She came to my bed, sat on the edge.
"Was your day okay?"
I nodded to the ceiling. I guess Alice didn't tell her anything after all.
"You didn't eat your lunch. Are you feeling alright?"
Damn. I forgot it was in the fridge. She must have checked to see if I ate it. I meant to…I just got sidetracked.
"I feel fine. I just…forgot, I guess."
"Okay. Carlisle's bringing pizza home from work, so dinner will be when he gets home. You'll come down?" She must have thought there was something up with me if she asked that. I always came down for dinner lately.
"Yeah."
She left me alone, suggesting I get a nap in before dinner.
I didn't want to sleep. Everything Dr. Garrison talked about was going around in my head, but none of it made me feel better.
Dinner was…dinner. Nothing really happened. Considering what was going on in my head and the scene Alice could cause if she chose to bring up what happened, I should have been relieved.
But I wasn't. In fact, I was really disappointed. I don't even know why. I guess I was feeling a bit…reckless. Not a word I would usually use to describe myself, in fact, I doubt it has ever applied to me.
But here I was, sitting in my room after dinner like I was supposed to. Like I was expected to. I watched some TV for a bit, but that wasn't distracting enough. I didn't want to practice the piano. So I just sat, fully dressed, on my bed. And very suddenly, I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to leave.
Glancing at my clock, I saw it was already 10:30. Probably too late to get Emmett to take me somewhere, but I wasn't even sure I wanted to go anywhere with him anyway.
I headed downstairs either way, thinking I might feel better after getting out of my room. Maybe I was just restless and needed to stretch my legs a bit.
Oddly, the downstairs was completely empty too. It was dark. I went to the big window and looked out at the driveway and the yard. The snow had already melted quite a bit. Someone had shoveled the driveway after the storm so it was completely clear. The yard was still covered in big patches but it was thinning out.
It looked quiet, still, and peaceful. But I didn't do outside because I was scared of the woods. So I was stuck again.
I was angry at myself with this thought, realizing how insane it was. And I decided right then and there. I was going to get the fuck over it. It was insane to be scared of the woods because some criminal man who was safely tucked away in prison might somehow escape, find me, and stalk me in the trees where I couldn't see him. I didn't want to be scared of that anymore.
So, after a glance at the stairs to make sure it was clear, I found my winter boots in the hall closet. I put them on as silently as possible before doing the same with my coat. I still had jeans and a hoodie on, so I should be warm enough.
Then, as silently as I could manage, I turned the deadbolt on the front door, twisted the big handle, and opened the door.
EMPOV
We generally had a pretty solid rule in the Cullen house that nobody came into anyone's room without knocking first. As a teenage guy, I definitely appreciated that. Tonight, that rule seemed not to apply, and for good reason.
"Emmett!" Carlisle's voice came from way too close and I bolted upright, shocked awake.
"What the…Jesus you scared the shit out of me!" He had burst into my room and rushed to my desk lamp, turning the light on and looking around frantically.
"Edward's not in here?"
"What? Of course he isn't, what the hell is going on?"
"Have you talked to him tonight?" he asked, already on his way out my door.
"No?" I heaved myself out of my warm, comfortable bed and threw a shirt on before following him down the stairs.
He was at Alice's room now, doing much the same thing. I couldn't even image an instance where Edward would be in either of our rooms at two in the morning.
"You don't know where he is?" I asked, catching on slowly.
"We can't find him," he confirmed.
"You looked everywhere in his room?" I asked, panicking now as I started to head back up to check for myself.
"He's not in there."
Sure enough, I opened the door and turned the light on to an empty room. Just in case, I went around the other side of his perfectly made bed, looking on the floor and underneath. I went to his closet, pushing shit aside just to make sure he wasn't hiding for some reason. The same thing in the bathroom, I looked in the tub and behind the door. Nothing. His phone rested on his desk. I glared at it on the way out.
A quick glance was all it took in the guest room before I was satisfied he wasn't in there. I had never seen him in there and wouldn't imagine he'd go someplace he wasn't sure he was allowed in.
Racing all the way downstairs now, I found my family in the kitchen. Carlisle was on the phone, talking frantically to whoever was on the other end and Esme was putting her coat on, shoving her feet into boots while crying softly.
"What happened?" I asked her, needing some answers.
"The security company called, said our alarm had gone off and nobody had punched in the door code so we should go and check it. Carlisle did and he said nothing looked off but he went to make sure you guys were all still here, just in case. Edward's bed was made and he's nowhere…he's not here. He must have left…." She was sobbing now but trying to pull herself together. I on the other hand, was freaking the fuck out.
Thinking quickly, I went to the closet, digging around in the pile of shoes until I was sure his were gone. His coat too.
"His boots and coat are gone." I told her before following her lead and throwing mine on.
It was cold out there and Edward didn't know where anything was. He hated the woods, so I didn't think he would go in there. That just left the road, which would be harder to follow because he wouldn't leave tracks.
"When did they say the alarm went off?" I asked my mom.
"Around eleven."
I froze. Looked at Esme. Her face said it all. That was a long time for someone with no outdoors experience, no idea of his surroundings, and with such bad anxiety.
I went to her immediately and squeezed her in a tight hug.
"We'll go find him, okay?"
She nodded, pulling out of the hug and starting for the door.
"Wait. The police want us to stay here."
Carlisle was done on the phone. While I felt better that the police were going to help, it pissed me off to think I might have to sit here, helplessly, and wait.
"They said it's better for us to wait in case he calls or comes back."
"How the hell would he call? His phone is on his desk."
Alice, who had been in the kitchen, came in and shook her head. "Nobody has seen or heard anything from him but only Jake and Jasper answered their phones."
"What? Like he would ever go to them, he doesn't even know them!" I yelled, aghast at the way they were handling this.
"Emmett, we don't know what's going on, we have to try everything."
"Yeah, exactly, I'm going to go look for him. I have my phone."
I was out the door before they could say anything, heading down the porch steps.
I thought my best bet was to stick to the road, but my heart sank when I saw footprints in the snow off to the side of the driveway. Heading into the woods.
Before I had decided what to do, I heard the door open and close behind me. Glancing back, I saw Carlisle join me, two flashlights in hand.
"Esme and Alice will stay here and wait for the police."
It didn't take him long to come to the same conclusion I did. The woods.
"He hates the woods. He told me he was scared of them, he would never go in there at night."
Carlisle nodded, understanding. Then he headed in there, following Edward's path. It was the only starting point we had, even if it didn't make any sense.
We followed his tracks. They were surprisingly straight and direct, like he knew just where he was going and wasn't just wondering around. Using our flashlights, we looked all around the path, making sure he wasn't just off of it, somewhere in the snow.
I waited with baited breath for his tracks to stop, or turn off the path. Every turn we made I expected the clues to disappear, but they didn't. He just kept going.
These woods weren't exactly dangerous. There were several sets of trails and small parks you could drive to for beginner hikers even. But Edward would be scared and panicking probably, so it didn't matter how friendly the woods were. He didn't like the woods. And snowy weather could make even the best conditions dangerous.
As we walked along and shouted his name, I started to realize just how far he could have gotten in three hours. Now close to four hours. And by the time we could get him back to the house? Who knew what kind of shape he would be in.
"Why aren't you freaking out?" I asked Carlisle.
"Panicking isn't going to help find Edward," he said just as calmly as he swept his flashlight over the snowy forest.
That may be so, but I didn't really feel like I had a choice in the matter. I was panicking and that was about it.
Right when I was about to scream in frustration of seeing yet another turn in the trail and Edward's footprints following it, Carlisle's cell rang. He came to an abrupt stop, handing me his light and fishing for his phone.
"Yes?"
It was only a few tense seconds before his face fell into relief.
And fuck if I've never been so relieved in my life.
"Thank god." He let out a huge breath and rubbed his free hand over his face. My knees felt a little weak. "Ok…good. We're on our way."
He snapped the phone shut.
"Is he…?"
His hand reached out and patted me on the shoulder in a fatherly, comforting manor.
"They found him. He's out in the lot off of Meadow's park. The police are bringing him home."
Wow. That was at least a few more miles out. He had really been moving. What the hell he was trying to do in the middle of the night out here was beyond me.
The hike home was equally quiet but the mood had completely changed. Before it was like I was too scared to say anything because I might jinx it or because I didn't want to think about a bad ending to this, but now I was angry. Don't get me wrong, I was still really fucking happy, but I was mad too.
What was he thinking, pulling this shit? Did he think we weren't going to notice that he had disappeared? He of all people should be able to guess what that did to people, seeing as how he was legitimately missing for half of his life. It was pretty selfish of him to vanish by his own doing.
That was a horrible way to think, but I couldn't help it. So I didn't say anything because Carlisle was practically a saint and I'm sure all he was thinking was concern for Edward.
He didn't talk either but his pace did pick up considerably, so I expected he was just focused on getting home faster. I guess it was kind of ridiculous of us to go running after him out here in the middle of the night. He could have been hurt or something though. We couldn't just sit in the house.
Home looked exactly the same when we approached it again. No dramatic cop cars in the driveway or crying people on the porch steps. We got inside the house and I expected the worst, but was met by only Esme and Alice sitting on the couch.
Esme's face was red and tear streaked but she seemed to be holding herself together now. Alice was sipping tea and looking tired and stressed, her free hand rubbing Mom's back.
"Well?" Carlisle asked immediately, needing an update on why Edward wasn't back yet. It had been a while since she called us in the woods and that park wasn't far from here, at least by car. He should be back by now.
Esme shook her head, saying, "I don't know what's taking so long. They said he was fine, he was sitting on a picnic table and they were talking to him. They haven't called again."
As if on cue, the phone clutched in Esme's hand range making everyone jump.
"Hello?" she said in a shaky voice. Then she said "yes," while nodding and scrunching her eyebrows like she was confused. Then, "He's just very shy, he doesn't like new people…yes." A longer pause before, "Yes, let me talk to him."
Then she held her fingers to the speaker of the phone and told us, "He's okay but he doesn't want to get into their car. They're-" then she was back to the phone.
"Edward, it's Esme. Honey you need to listen to the police men and get into the car, okay? You're safe with them and you'll be home in a few minutes. Nobody's mad at you, but you need to come home with the police now. Okay?"
I wished I could hear his response, or even if he did respond because Esme's face didn't give away much.
It was another ten or fifteen minutes after Esme hung up the phone when we heard the car pull up the driveway.
Carlisle went out to meet them and when the door was opened, I saw the policemen trying to guide Edward inside while he did his best to keep his distance from both of them. Thankfully, Edward looked unharmed, just cold. His cheeks and nose were bright red and he had a thick blanket wrapped around him.
Carlisle talked to the men briefly before leading Edward the rest of the way inside himself. The door closed, the police car started again and pulled out, and we were left standing in silence.
Edward, who I expected to be an emotional mess, looked the calmest out of all of us. Besides from being cold, he looked pretty relaxed, for Edward, at least.
Nobody seemed to want to act first, so we all just stood there. The night had been filled with confusion and panic. Everyone wanted to act quickly and efficiently as possible, but now here we were. The action was over, but now what? Now we had to deal with the results of it, and it didn't look pretty from where I was standing.
Before anybody figured out what to do, Edward started for the stairs. I stared, open mouthed, as he walked towards them, like this whole incident was going to be overlooked.
"Edward." Carlisle stopped him. "I need you to sit down with Esme and I for a few minutes before you can go up." Carlisle actually sounded pretty stern for once, surprisingly. Edward must have noticed as well, because he stopped walking and turned back towards us, now looking a little irritated.
"Emmett and Alice, we'll see you in the morning," he told us. While I saw it coming, I was still disappointed I wouldn't get to witness this.
As I passed him on my way to the stairs, I looked him in the eye. The look, had we been in a different situation, would have been comical. It was a look that said, save me, get me out of this mess, except it was weird to me that he chose now to pretend like he was a normal teenager. Now, after he scared the shit out of all of us in the middle of the night, the first time he had really done something wrong, was the first time he wanted to be treated like a normal teenager and avoid what was surely to be a brutal lecture. Maybe he was more predictable than we gave him credit for.
EPOV
The fresh air felt heavenly on my skin. It was cold, yes, but it felt good all the same. I didn't really have any specific plans when I left the house, except now that I was standing on the porch, I had to do something. Take another step. So I did, literally, and went down the stairs.
I looked down the driveway. It was dark, but clear and relatively non-threatening. It was the obvious choice. I took a few steps down it, but then stopped and turned to the woods. I wanted to face them, for real, and prove to whoever was watching that I wasn't scared. I could do whatever I wanted. Whatever I felt like, I could just do it. Simple as that.
I felt like walking through the woods tonight. So I turned and stepped off the pavement, into the melting snow. The sound of it crunching under my boot was oddly satisfying. I did it again, and again until I was at the tree line.
The familiar haunting fear trickled up the back of my neck.
Danger. James. Darkness. Alone. I didn't know what it really was that I was so scared of. All of it, I guess.
Usually it was a fear strong enough to leave me cowering in the corner, or in the bathtub, or digging my fingers into the skin of my stomach to move past it.
But tonight I wasn't going to give in. Tonight, my brain said a nice, strong, fuck you to the fears that no doubt on another day in the future would be back, leaving me weak and afraid.
I was feeling very reckless, I decided. It felt good.
I just wanted to move without something standing in my way and blocking my progress. So that's what I did.
I didn't know how long I was going for. My eyes had long adjusted to the darkness, the stars and moon being the only guide that kept me on the trail.
I may have been feeling a little carefree tonight, but that didn't mean I threw out all common sense. If I wandered off the trail, there was a good chance I would never get back. This wasn't about some type of wilderness adventure. It was just doing something without James stopping me.
I didn't allow my brain to go there. Somehow, even in my brain, James stayed in his prison cell, locked away from the world. I never once considered the fact that he might be stalking me, wandering around after me and that I had just set myself up as the easiest target he could hope for. It was a new feeling.
I was getting tired, but I didn't want to go back. Going back seemed like the opposite of progress, and I wanted to have some type of physical sign that I had done something worthwhile tonight.
I wasn't a good judge of distance. Or time, for that matter. I didn't have a clue how far I had walked, or what kind of time had passed. For a brief moment, the Cullens entered my mind. Surely they would notice I was gone if I wasn't home in time for breakfast, but no earlier. They would have no idea I was gone, as long as I got back before they went looking.
The thought brought a smile to my lips. It felt normal, sneaking around like that.
I wasn't ready to go back yet, though. So I kept walking. One boot in front of the other as the snow crunched away.
Eventually, I came to something unexpected. It was some form of clearing, but obviously manmade. There was a square, snow plowed parking lot big enough for a few cars. A little ways further was a snow covered table with two benches on each side. It was, admittedly, a little eerie, but I wasn't going to let that panic me right now. I went to the table. I used my arm to push off the thin, wet snow and then sat on the table part, my boots resting on the seat below.
For the first time, I noticed how cold I was. I pulled my jacket closer to my body, wrapping it tight. I should have worn gloves. Esme had showed me where they were kept.
I was tired now, and happy for the break.
As tired and cold as I was, I was also proud of myself. I did it. I faced a fear, no matter how irrational, and here I was, on the other side.
The dark wasn't so bad. The night wasn't that scary. But it was quiet. I didn't like that. I missed the sound of my boots crunching the snow.
I looked up at the stars, smiling. I was amazed at their brightness.
A stick, or leaf, or something snapped somewhere behind me. My smile vanished. I looked behind me, seeing nothing. It probably was the wind, or a squirrel, or something like that.
I didn't want to let it get to me, but immediately, my whole mood changed. I was a little freaked out now, and I vaguely thought of my warm bed. The work in front of me to get back to it was a little overwhelming.
Maybe this was a stupid idea.
Then, to my absolute horror, I heard something else. If I had acted right away, ran immediately, maybe I would have had a chance. But I didn't. I sat still, with my eyes clenched shut, hoping and praying that the car sounds getting closer to the parking lot were imagined.
They weren't. Behind my closed eyes, I saw the light of the headlights and knew it was too late.
My last hope, that whoever it was would turn around and leave me, was ignored too.
The car stopped. It was quiet for a moment. Then doors opened. Crunching of boots that weren't mine made me open my eyes finally.
Two men approached me, both dressed the same and wearing broad rimmed, dark hats. I didn't move. I had been reprogrammed not to run, not to fight back. At that moment, I hated James so much it made me feel a little sick to my stomach.
"Edward?" Oh god, they knew who I was. It really was over now. I clenched my body tighter, hoping to protect myself that way.
"Hey buddy, take it easy. My name is Officer Wayne. This is my partner Officer Logan. We're here to take you home."
I shook my head, debating about whether or not I had time to make a run for it to the trees or if they would catch me first. I didn't think I was a very fast runner.
"It's him, call his folks," I heard the guy tell the other one in a hushed voice.
"Edward, we're here to help you. Dr. Cullen called and told us you were missing. They're awfully worried about you. Why don't you come down and get in the car so we can take you home."
I could get home on my own just fine. I had no desire what so ever to get into this man's car. I wasn't so stupid as to let somebody take me away in their car again, I sure wouldn't get in voluntarily.
"Come on, let's go now." He came towards me, faster this time, with a hand held out as if to grab me and drag me to the car. Instantly, I was off the table, backing away. He held his hands up innocently. The look on his face was almost amusing. He looked so surprised, like he thought I was just going to give up and let him take me.
Once again, I thought about running. My only problem now was that I didn't want to turn my back on him. So I backed up, at least a good 20 feet from the man now.
"Alright, I'm sorry. Relax. I'm not here to hurt you. I'd like it if you would get into the car so we can take you home. Tell me how we can make this work."
I shook my head, until I realized I was a little dizzy. Then I stopped. My breaths were getting shorter too. It was hard to breathe. I needed to calm down. I couldn't defend myself if I couldn't breathe.
Luckily, when I didn't answer, the man turned and walked back to his partner, who was off the phone now but still hanging back by the car. I was far enough away now that I wasn't too worried about them surprising me.
I squatted down, not completely sitting but close to the ground. It felt better down here. I could focus a little more. I wanted to sit so I could get my bearing a little and try to make the dizzy go away. But I couldn't. It would waste too much time should I decide to run for it.
I was pretty cold now. I wasn't moving and my body was becoming stiff.
I kept my eyes on them. They were doing the same to me, but speaking quietly with one another. We spent many minutes like this, nobody making a move. Maybe they were waiting for me to come to my senses and get in the car. I wasn't going to.
Right when I had decided that I needed to do something, that this waiting was silly, they seemed to decide the same thing. The man that had been talking to me got into the car, in the driver's seat. The other one grabbed something from the trunk before moving towards me again. I stood up, noting my stiff muscles. I needed to get moving or get out of the cold soon.
As the man got closer, he spoke to me for the first time.
"Hello Edward. I'm Steve. I've got a blanket for you." He stopped walking about five feet from me. He held up the blanket in his hands, offering it to me. I had to admit, the promise of warmth was pretty tempting. He held it out, waiting for me to come closer and grab it.
I eyed him suspiciously, but the way he was standing suggested nothing of aggression. So I grabbed it. More like lunged for it. But I had it now, and it was wrapped around me and I felt at least ten times better just in the first few seconds.
"Great." He smiled like it really was great. "I'd like to call Dr. Cullen, will you talk to him if I can get him on the phone?" He held up his phone, showing me it was a legitimate offer.
I shrugged, not completely against the idea. It seemed smart, to let them know what was going on, whether these people wanted to hurt me or not.
I glanced back at the first man while he dialed. I could see him warming his hands in front of the car's air vents.
"Hi, is this Mrs. Cullen?" My eyes looked back at the man in front of me. I wished I could tell if he was tricking me.
"We still have Edward here, it's getting pretty cold out and he doesn't seem to want to get in the car. He doesn't want to talk either-" He stopped talking abruptly, like he was cut off. I could hear the sound of Esme's voice coming through the phone in the quiet woods but I couldn't quite make out what she was saying. He continued, "Yes I understand that, I think he would like to speak with you…." Esme seemed to say something else before the phone left his ear.
"Edward?" He held the phone out to me by the edge, extending his arm out instead of moving his body closer. I eyed his hand cautiously, doubting that he would try anything with Esme listening in.
I grabbed the phone quickly, limiting the amount of time that my arm was out of the blanket. I only had time to breathe once into the phone before she was talking in a voice that told me she was scared but trying to hide it.
"Edward, it's Esme." Yeah, I got that much already. I wanted to roll my eyes.
"Honey you need to listen to the policemen and get into the car, okay? You're safe with them and you'll be home in a few minutes. Nobody's mad at you, but you need to come home with the police now. Okay?"
I didn't respond. I held the phone to my ear still, thinking.
She sounded panicked. I hadn't meant to freak them out this much. I didn't really think about what would happen if they realized I was gone. The thought suddenly occurred to me that she might have called these men. Or Carlisle. They sent these men for me. Because they wanted me to come back, and tonight. Behind the small amount of betrayal I felt from this action, I tried to make sense of the idea that these men might not be the enemy at all. Maybe there weren't any enemies in these woods tonight, except the ones in my head. Maybe I had just been exaggerating.
I suddenly felt really stupid. And embarrassed, but what else was new. She said I could be home in a few minutes, and that sounded amazing right now.
So, without saying anything at all the Esme, I handed the phone back to the man, who had to basically catch it in my haste to get my hands covered again. I still wasn't going to turn my back to them though, so I waited for him to move. He looked at me like I was insane, and I was tempted to agree with him.
He hung up the phone and raised an eyebrow, motioning to the car questioningly. I nodded my head towards it too, hoping he would get it.
When finally he took a few steps toward it, I hesitantly followed a few steps behind. The movements made me realize how stiff I had become. I was thankful when he opened the backdoor for me but then climbed in the front, still giving me the option of running. I sat stiffly on the seat and pulled the door shut.
The car smelled like smoke. It made me nauseous.
"Just a few minutes buddy, we'll have you back home. Probably a good idea not to take any midnight strolls into the woods by yourself though." The driver said, sounding a little smug.
I hated being in the car, even if heat was blowing into my face. He drove slowly on the slick roads, but I wanted him to speed. My teeth were clenched and my hands fisted tightly around the scratchy blanket.
Finally, we turned down the driveway and I relaxed a little, sensing that I was finally in safety.
I forced myself to stay frozen in the car until it jerked to a stop. I basically fell out of the door. The feeling of solid ground beneath my feet was a relief.
Carlisle was there. I heard his voice and feet move on the porch, but I didn't look at him. I went towards him, the desire to be behind him, on his side, instead of the side with these strange men was overwhelming.
My eyes went to his hands when they shook the officers' gloved ones, admiring his ability to trust blindly. He could just touch them, so simply, with no repercussions or even hesitation.
He apologized for me. He thanked them. He reminded me to give back their blanket. Then he led me inside.
I never said a word to the men. I hoped I would never see them again.
I stepped through the front door, glad to be back even though my night hadn't ended the way I pictured. It wasn't over yet either.
Everybody was staring at me. Nobody was talking and it was very tense. I had nothing to gage their emotions with and I didn't know what to expect at all, making me beyond uncomfortable.
I only knew one thing to do and that was to hide. But I didn't get far up the stairs before Carlisle stopped me.
As Emmett and Alice passed me on their way out, I looked at them with extreme jealousy, wishing I could just disappear upstairs and not have to deal with this.
But here I was.
"Let's get these wet clothes off you," Esme said, coming towards me at once and reaching for my blanket. Before she could get to me, I shrugged away, not wanting to be touched right now. I shuffled over so I was few feet from her before I realized I was tracking water all over the place. Toeing off my shoes, I nudged them out of the way. I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, but I wasn't that cold anymore.
"Will you sit?" she said, unsure.
I shook my head. I didn't want to stay down here.
Finally, Carlisle sighed and ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. But when he spoke, it sounded like he wanted to get this over with as much as I did.
"What happened?"
I didn't look at anybody. "Nothing." I sounded oddly confident.
"Why did you feel the need to leave in the middle of the night?" he clarified.
"I didn't." It wasn't like I was trying to run away.
"Edward." I still didn't look at him. "You went wandering through the forest alone, at night, in nothing but a pair of jeans and a coat."
I shrugged again. What he said was true, but the context wasn't right.
"Why?" he was getting upset now.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek first, but then came up with something. "I don't know. I guess I just felt like it."
Their silence screamed disapproval and disappointment, with a hint of confusion. I didn't look up. I didn't feel like explaining. Because they weren't going to get it.
After many seconds and many deep breaths from Carlisle, he turned around, walking towards the window while tugging on his hair. His anger should have been freaking me out. I remained calm all the same.
"Honey we don't want you to think we're upset with you," Esme tried to backtrack. Carlisle was clearly upset with me. "But we just don't understand this. Just because you wanted to isn't a good reason for you to wander off like that."
I knew she was right but I didn't have another explanation. Should I lie?
"That's just what happened," I said simply. I felt like going out to the woods, so I did. And it felt good and I didn't regret it, even if I was scared. I would do it again. I wasn't sorry.
"Did you need to get some fresh air or…or did you feel trapped inside or something? We just don't understand why you chose tonight to do this. If you had waited for morning somebody could have gone with you."
I shook my head. I had wanted to be alone.
Carlisle seemed to have collected himself by now. He turned back to me, addressing me once more.
"I'm not angry with you. But I want you to know that you've caused a lot of trouble tonight. We had to call the police and-"
"Just be mad at me then. I'm not so….delicate that you can't yell at me or tell me that I'm in trouble. Don't treat me like I'm eight, because I'm not."
I spoke softly, but my words sounded harsh all the same. I was tired of them tiptoeing around me. Especially now. I had done something wrong. I knew that, even if I wasn't sorry for it. It angered me that just because I was me, they were going to let me get away with it.
"I didn't think you would notice that I was gone. I didn't mean to cause trouble with anybody."
"How would we not notice you were gone?" Esme asked in disbelief.
It was then that I realized maybe they thought I was making a run for it. Like I ran from James. Like they thought I didn't mean to come back.
"I was going to come back." I looked into Esme's eyes for the first time tonight. "I wasn't running away." She didn't look like she believed me.
Everybody was quiet once more. I was, strangely, feeling pretty awake. But I wanted to be alone. I looked longingly at the stairs once again, wishing I would be released from this interrogation.
"We have an alarm on the door." Carlisle said, as if changing the subject completely. "After I set it at night, if anyone opens it, they need to type in a code or else the alarm company will call. I'll show you the code and how it works in the morning. We can talk more about this then. Why don't you get up to your room and take a hot shower before bed." He still sounded mad. He didn't look at me. He sat on the couch, far more worn out than I was.
I leapt at the chance to get out of there. Once in my room, the idea of a shower did sound pretty good. It was after four when I got out and dried off, but I felt oddly exhilarated from the night's events.
The good feeling wasn't complete though. I honestly hadn't thought about the Cullens at all when I stepped out the door. I suppose I saw the selfishness in that now that it was all over and their reactions were fresh in my mind. The disappointment and fear stung a little for sure, but the only thing that really made me regret what I had done tonight didn't have to do with my foster parents.
It was Emmett. His eyes, which I did my best to avoid as a general rule, gave away more emotion than I cared to deal with at one time. He had been scared. Emmett, who always looked for the fun in everything, making light of even the tensest situations, had been worried about me. The fact that I could make him look like that…it scared me. I didn't understand that. Why was he so worried for me? How was I able to affect him so much? Why did he care about me at all?
Out of all the things that had happened tonight, it was with these thoughts that my mind finally drifted off to sleep, just as the sun was coming up for a new day.