EPOV
Wednesday, December 22nd
I slept late, so I woke up to a familiar feeling of panic, sure that I had overslept and missed something important and now I was going to be in trouble. When I sat up, I saw that the clock read 12:37. I hadn't really been asleep that long. I calmed down, noting that my panic was for no reason.
The real trouble was waiting for me when everyone else woke up.
To my surprise, everyone was up. When I made my way into the kitchen, I found Emmett eating breakfast at the table and Esme wiping down the counters. I had passed Alice in the living room without her noticing me, but Emmett's eyes went to mine as soon as I walked in the room.
He stopped eating. His face fell a little bit and his eyes squinted. He was mad. Or upset. Or something, I don't know. Either way, I was pretty positive he wasn't happy with me.
While last night I had felt the need to defend myself, with the new morning came guilt.
That particular feeling was multiplied when I realized I hadn't seen Carlisle yet because he had to work early on Wednesdays. And I had him up basically all night.
I looked to Esme and saw the redness in her eyes. She looked like she had been crying.
I swallowed hard and looked down at my sock covered feet.
"Esme?" My voice was shaky and weak.
"Good morning dear, would you like some pancakes?" she smiled at me, still working on the countertop.
I nodded my head slowly and she smiled again. It wasn't a fake smile, which made me feel worse.
"Esme, I'm sorry." Her smile faded immediately and her hand stopped moving. She glanced at Emmett, as if telling me I didn't have to do this in front of him. But I wanted to do it because he was here. It was for him as well. "I didn't realize I was going to cause everybody so much trouble. I wouldn't have done it if I thought everyone would be so upset and I'm sorry."
It really did amaze me that they had even noticed I was gone, not to mention that they had cared so much to worry like that and even cry over me.
She dried her hands on her sweatpants and came over to me immediately. She started out just rubbing my elbow but when I didn't object, she wrapped her arms around my folded ones, squeezing me in a hug.
"Thank you for saying that. It's okay. Just don't scare me like that anymore, okay?" she said while still hugging me.
When she let go and looked at me for an answer, I nodded and tried to smile.
"Now get yourself something to drink and go sit next to Emmett for breakfast." She immediately went to get a plate for me and started forking the pancakes onto it. I got myself some orange juice from the fridge and sat next to Emmett, avoiding his eye contact. I hoped he knew I was sorry for scaring him too but I wasn't about to apologize again.
He said nothing. He ate his food and ignored me. I wasn't one to start conversation, so we sat in silence.
Esme left us to our breakfast and went upstairs to 'get ready for the day.'
And all of a sudden, Emmett became pretty chatty.
"So I thought you didn't like the woods." He said it as a statement, not a question, but I still answered him.
"I didn't…don't"
"Mhmm. Seems to me like you do."
I wasn't going to disagree with him, so I let it go. We were silent again. He finished before I did and sat there, basically just watching me eat, which I found a little rude. I tried to ignore it seeing as how he wasn't happy with me.
The second I finished my last bite, he grabbed my plate and with his, took them to the sink. After quickly rinsing them off, he surprised and confused me yet again.
"You should go get changed. Put sweats and a hoodie on and shoes you can run in." He started to leave the kitchen himself.
"W-what?" I was beyond lost and a little concerned as to why he would tell me to get ready to run. That couldn't be good.
"Clearly you need more fresh air, so we're gonna go for a run. I haven't been out all break. Go get ready. Wear a hat." And he was gone, up the stairs, I suppose to get himself ready.
So now I had two choices. I could go upstairs, lock my door and hide. He didn't seem too worried about this possibility because he left me on my own, which would make than plan much easier. It was also a lot less nerve wracking than option two, which would be to do as Emmett said.
At the same time, Emmett was obviously not happy with me. I didn't want anyone mad at me. It could lead to nothing good, really. Plus by hiding from him, I would only make him angrier.
My options were looking pretty bleak.
Either way, I needed to be up in my room, so I abandoned my spot in the kitchen and headed up there. I did take my time on the stairs, hoping Esme would reappear and demand I go somewhere with her or help her with something so I would have to refuse Emmett. No such luck.
I was almost at my room and still hadn't made a decision when Emmett's door swung open.
He was dressed in grey pants and a thick sweatshirt with tennis shoes already on. He looked me up and down with squinted eyes.
"Don't even think about going in there and ignoring me. Hurry it up. You have three minutes."
His serious tone would have freaked me out, except I knew he was kidding. He looked at his wrist as if checking the time to clock me, but he wasn't even wearing a watch. He kept a straight face and stared at his sleeve while waiting for me to do as he said.
I rolled my eyes but when I was alone in my room, smiled a little at his stupid joke.
"Two minutes, fifty seconds!" he called.
I made an annoyed groaning noise loud enough for him to hear me, but still smiled while he couldn't see me.
I dressed as instructed and just when he started counting down from sixty seconds, went back to the hall.
"Happy?" I asked him with a glare.
Emmett, who hadn't moved since I shut my door, smirked and said, "Very. Now let's go."
I had to hurry to keep up with him as he bounded down the stairs, stretching his arms across his chest and then twisting his torso back and forth.
He was at the front door and about to leave when I stopped him. Was this some kind of test?
"Shouldn't- shouldn't we tell Esme?" I asked him, worried that she wouldn't approve of another trip so soon after the disaster last night.
He turned around, looking shocked. "Wow, how considerate of you! Great idea," he praised me sarcastically. I rolled my eyes for real this time, starting to become irritated at his form of punishment.
"Esme! Me and Edward are going out for a jog!" he yelled up the staircase. He didn't wait for her reply before opening the door and basically leaping down the steps.
With a huff of disbelief, I followed, closing the door behind me.
A 'jog' turned out to be a little more intense than the word would imply. Having obviously never run any real distance in my life, I was tired pretty quickly. But luckily Emmett seemed to notice and slowed to match my pace. We ran down the driveway, which Emmett told me was about three quarters of a mile. Hoping to turn around and head back to the house, I was disappointed that Emmett turned left when we hit the road.
My legs were killing me and I tried not to make it so obvious that I was completely out of breathe and cramping. If this was supposed to be a punishment, Emmett knew what he was doing. I watched Emmett, who was a few paces ahead of me. He ran so easily, his arms swinging gracefully and his legs moving in long strides, not at all like my form, which was more like dragging myself along the side of the road.
Thankfully, finally, he slowed to a walk. After checking the road for cars, he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me across the street and heading back towards the house. I should have found this irritating, him treating me like a child and all, but for some reason I didn't mind. I probably did look a little out of it after all, he was probably just making sure I stayed with him.
I walked next to him now, feeling a whole lot better very quickly.
Emmett, who I noticed was breathing completely normally again, glanced at me, surely taking in my still shallow breathes and sweating forehead.
Sounding a little more amused than I would like, he patted me on my back once, hard, and asked, "You alright man?"
I nodded immediately, trying to look convincing.
After a few minutes of us silently walking along, I finally caught my breath and he started talking.
"You know, I'm not mad at you."
"Yes you are." I wasn't an idiot. He was mad.
"No, really. I was just giving you a hard time. I mean, it's okay if you wanted to get out of the house. You just should have left a note or something…."
"I didn't…I mean, I don't know what I was thinking. I just couldn't sleep and I went downstairs and the next thing I know, I was out the door and I just wanted to do something. So I just walked," I rambled, trying to explain myself.
"Yeah, I get it. At least you stayed on the trail. We really lucked out that you weren't just wandering through trees."
"Wait, what? How do you know that…?"
He scoffed a little. "You think we were just going to go back to sleep and wait for the cops to bring you home? Me and Dad went out and followed you. Didn't get very far, I mean compared to you, before they found you, but still. As far as we went, you were on the trail. And if you got to that park, you obviously weren't just wandering. The trail leads right to it."
"You followed me?"
"Duh. Mom and Alice were calling everyone you've ever met from the house but I figured that was a waste of time."
My guilt over this whole thing was about doubled when he said that. I made them follow me into the cold woods in the middle of the night and now not only the Cullens were bothered but all their friends as well.
Ironically, I realized it was a good thing I didn't know more people. "Well at least the list isn't too long. Probably only took a few minutes."
"Ha, yeah I guess that's true." I don't think he thought it was as funny as I did.
We were quiet again as we crossed back over to the driveway. But I did have something I wanted to ask him.
"Emmett?"
"Mhmm?"
I swallowed thickly. I wasn't sure why I was doing this, but I braced myself and said the words.
"Why do you care so much about me? I mean, you looked really scared last night. So what if I get lost in the woods, why would you care?"
I had to admit to myself that it felt good that he cared, but it still seemed a little extreme. I wasn't really family, I wasn't his brother. He hadn't known me long and I hadn't been that great of a friend to him yet. Every time I did something with him, I ended up doing something weird or crazy. How could he just trust so blindly that I was a good person, or somebody he wanted around? It didn't make any sense to me. I wanted to understand it, because I didn't want him to stop. It made me feel safe and content to know somebody was thinking about me, worrying about me like that. Esme and Carlisle obviously did too, but it was different with them. They were obligated to. Emmett was something else. And I had a feeling nobody else could do the same thing.
Emmett didn't answer right away which was very uncharacteristic of him. In fact, he took so long to answer that I thought he wasn't going to, like he thought it was such a stupid question that he was just going to ignore me.
But then he did, and his answer didn't help me sort anything out.
"You wouldn't return the favor?" he asked simply.
"What?"
"If nobody knew where I was or if I was okay, wouldn't you worry about me too?" He sounded weird, not at all his confident self.
"I mean… yeah I guess I would. But I still don't understand why."
He was quiet again. I was pushing my luck. Emmett clearly was uncomfortable. He didn't want to answer my questions and he could stop at any moment, but I hoped he kept talking.
"Wish I knew, Edward….but fuck it, I'm horrible at this stuff," was his one last confusing and frustrating answer before he took off running again.
"Horrible at what stuff?"
Looking over his should at where he left me, he shouted, "Come on, race me! I'll go easy on ya, I promise!"
With an irritated groan, I took off running after him without the slightest hope of catching up.
Nothing more was said on the topic. It was like I had imagined it, but I knew I didn't. The whole way back to the house my mind was racing about what he told me and what it could possibly mean. It could mean a thousand things, how was I supposed to understand? I was more frustrated than ever before. The only thing I did know was that I wasn't exaggerating what was going on with me and Emmett, because he saw it too. He knew something was happening, whether he was going to tell me what it meant or not.
Back inside the house, Esme found us shortly after we took our shoes off and threw them in the closet. Our faces were red from the cold and I was still out of breath.
"Did…did you two go somewhere?"
Emmett slowly and very dramatically turned to me with one eyebrow raised and a smirk.
"And that is how it's done. You should have taken notes." I glared at his back while he bounded back up the stairs, saying something about a shower.
Thankfully, Esme wasn't mad this time because we had stayed together and on the road. She made me promise that I would leave a note next time though.
Esme insisted I let her fix me some lunch, even though I had eaten breakfast not too long ago. I found out the real reason she wanted me in the kitchen as I worked my way through a bowl of delicious soup.
"You know that tomorrow's Christmas Eve…" She brought it up almost delicately, like I was going to break if she said it too quickly.
"Mhmm." I waited for her to get to her point, which she seemed very hesitant to do.
"Are you doing okay with all of this? I know the holidays can be hard and it's normal to miss your family during these times…."
I put my spoon down, a little exasperated that both Dr. Garrison and now Esme had brought this up. Yeah, the first Christmas without my parents was bad, but I got over it. I didn't have much of a choice. It had been a long time now and I was positive that Christmas would be just another day for me. If people stopped bringing it up, I wouldn't have to think about it at all.
"I'm fine. Really, I don't care about Christmas. It's just…Saturday."
If possible, she looked even sadder.
"Sweetie, Christmas can be a lot of fun. We'll make it a great day for you." Somehow I doubted that. I would feel like I'm intruding and I would much rather skip the day all together and let them have their family time. "What did you do on Christmases when you were little? Are there any Christmas traditions form your family we can add to ours? Anything you want to do, I'm sure we can."
I was shaking my head before she finished. "No. I just…I just want you to do things normally."
The very last thing I wanted was them trying to recreate my childhood memories. I didn't like to think about them that much and I sure wasn't going to tell them all the little details about my last Christmas with my parents. It was best left in the past.
I avoided eye contact so it was hard to judge her reaction. After an awkward moment, she continued, "Sure. Well we usually just hang out around the house. I'll cook a big meal and we'll open presents of course. Alice and I will probably go to church but you don't have to of course. We can watch Christmas movies and just relax. It'll be good," she nodded, trying to be convincing.
I hoped she was right, but I still felt like I was intruding on their day. But I doubted there would ever be a time when I didn't.
I didn't want to talk about this anymore, so I took my dish to the sink. "Thanks for lunch, Esme. It was really good."
She stood up and followed me, taking her mug and placing it in the sink as I rinsed my bowl.
"You're welcome. I bet you're tired after your run. I hope Emmett didn't pressure you into going?"
I might have told her that he 'asked' and I 'agreed'. Close enough.
"No, I wanted to go, I promise."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Yeah, it was good," I lied. It seemed to be easier to do so when it was a lie for someone else, rather than for myself.
"Great. What a good habit to get into. You two should do it more often when it warms up a little."
I nodded, agreeing. It wasn't until I was alone in my room that I realized I hadn't been lying that time and I did want to spend more time with the ridiculous boy who I could currently hear singing something unrecognizable in the shower.
At dinner, Alice and Emmett were getting pretty excited about Christmas, even though it was two days away. I tried to contain my eye roll. I didn't understand why everyone was making such a big deal about it and it was starting to really get on my nerves. Why couldn't they just forget about it? At least until it was actually here.
Being around Carlisle, as always, was uncomfortable for me. It seemed worse today though and it wasn't hard to figure out why. I know he told me he wasn't angry, but just because you say something doesn't make it true. I watched him throughout dinner, looking for warning signs that something dangerous was coming from him.
By the time dinner was over and everybody had cleared the dishes off the table, I was pretty tense and just wanted to get out of the same room as him. The first chance I got, I did just that.
With my luck I should have known, but I still jumped when he called me back down from the few stairs I had managed to climb before he got to me.
"I just wanted to show you the alarm system before you went up. Will you come over here?" He motioned towards the little screen on the wall and headed over that way himself.
I did my best to shake the suspicion that this was some type of trap.
When I was standing close enough to see the screen, he showed me how it worked and what to press if I was leaving the house. He didn't mention anything about last night, or warn me not to pull something like that again.
It didn't make any sense that he would teach me how to leave the house undetected after what happened. I suppose he was just making sure I didn't feel trapped or locked in, but it still was a little backwards.
It was during my alarm lesson that Alice announced Jasper was coming over tonight. Obviously, I would want to be as far away as possible when he got here, in fact, I didn't really every want to see him again after what I saw the other day. I mean, Alice didn't bring it up or anything, but she was probably just embarrassed or something. It was different for him. I was a little worried that he would be angry with me. I mean, he was shouting when he saw me, that kind of emotion doesn't just go away because I leave the room.
As it turned out, I wasn't the only one that wanted to get away. Apparently, Emmett had adopted a new strategy when it came to his sister and Jasper. He was just going to completely ignore anything that involved him.
He actually left the room faster than I did, which was rare. I mean, that was one thing you could count on with me, to be upstairs first every night. Except tonight.
And when I did get up to my room, I was looking forward to going to bed early. However, Emmett had other plans for me. Before I could get my door open, he spoke from across the hall.
"Hey, wanna watch a movie?"
Inspecting the situation, I noticed several strange things. One, Emmett's door was open, which I didn't often witness. Two, he was sitting on the floor of his room, leaning against the end of his bed, and three, there was actually room for him to sit on the floor. He obviously had cleaned up.
Apparently I took too long to answer because Emmett asked again. "Come on, I don't want to go down there with them, and it's too early to go to sleep. I'm bored, come watch a Christmas movie with me. We'll get all into the…holiday cheer, or some shit like that."
"Uh, I was…" I motioned pathetically towards my partially opened door.
"Yeah, I know, you were going to go hide out in your room, doing whatever it is you do all day in there. Or you could hang out with me, and I'm pretty awesome, right?" His expression was one of pretend vulnerability, like I would ever actually insult him.
With one more fleeting glance into my room, I pulled the door shut and went towards Emmett's instead. Upon entering his room, I noticed all the pillows stacked up along the end of his bed, so he would be comfortable on the floor. There were unused pillows on the empty side, waiting for someone, me, to arrange and lean against. I eyed them suspiciously, but Emmett patted them twice and said, "Take a seat," inviting me the rest of the way in.
Awkwardly, I sat cross legged next to him on his carpet. Emmett was, as usual, spread out and comfortable, his long legs stretched before him, socked feet crossed at the ankle. He was flipping through the channels of his TV, giving me time to take everything in.
When I realized that the decision to sit on the floor was probably a strategic one, not a coincidence, my face went red. Of course, Emmett wouldn't want to freak me out be asking me to sit on his bed with him. Surely he assumed that would send me into some type of mental breakdown. While my instincts wanted to be irritated with his attempt as coddling me, I had to admit to myself it was probably a smart move. There was no way I would have climbed onto his bed and laid down next to him, even if it was just to watch a movie.
"You…cleaned?" I didn't want to insult him, but honestly it was kind of shockingly clean in here. For him at least.
"Well I know how you are…," he said absently.
"What do you mean?" I asked with a narrowed eyes.
He let out one deep chuckle, clearly laughing at what I said.
"Dude. You're the cleanest person I've ever met. Don't even try to tell me you would have come in here if it was a mess."
"What? No I'm not."
He stopped flipping channels and turned to me. Gave me a disbelieving look. "Edward, you are way OCD. Don't deny it. You cut up your pancakes this morning in fucking equal sized parallel little squares." I didn't know what OCD meant, but it didn't sound good. And I can't believe he really was watching my pancake cutting this morning. I hadn't realized I was doing anything weird.
"I mean, whatever, it's not a bad thing. If you want to be all clean and orderly, more power to you." He shrugged. Then smirked and turned back to the TV. "Yesss, it's on. This is my favorite Christmas movie, ever. I watch it every year," he said excitedly. I didn't catch the title before he selected it, but it didn't matter what we watched.
As the movie started, Emmett got up and turned the light off but left the door open. When he sat back down and squished his pillows into position again, I did the same and tried my best to get comfortable and relax.
This wasn't so bad.
We watched the movie in relative silence, Emmett only laughing at some stupid jokes. A lot of stuff I didn't get but as the movie went on I started catching on to some things. I smiled when Emmett laughed.
The more comfortable I got, the more I realized that I had been missing out. This was just two guys hanging out, spending an evening watching TV. It really wasn't as awkward or as awful as I had imagined. I thought that I wouldn't be able to relax and then whoever I was with would be watching me, wondering what was wrong with me. But Emmett was easy to relax around, and he didn't seem to pay me much attention. At least he wasn't staring at me or anything.
At the end of the movie, Emmett still chuckling, he started flipping the channels. Usually, I would use this as my hint to leave, but it honestly didn't seem like Emmett wanted me to leave. I decided I would stay until he didn't want me here, surely he would tell me when I should go.
He found something he liked and then launched into an explanation about the main guy on the show- some type of comedian- and why he was so funny and misunderstood by a lot of people. I nodded my head as if I understood and tried to follow what he was saying.
Unfortunately, Emmett was interrupted before he was done.
I heard her coming up the stairs but Emmett seemed to ignore the sound so I did too. Next thing I knew, she was standing in front of Emmett shouting. Alice didn't seem to be surprised by my presence and she didn't seem to care that I was intruding on their private conversation.
"Why didn't you tell me? Did you not think I deserved to know!?" She was waving her arms around angrily and screamed, "What is wrong with you?!"
"Alice, it's not any of your business, that's why," Emmett said, sounding irritated.
"Like hell it's not! She's like a sister to me! She hasn't talked to me in days, now I know why! What were you thinking? She'll never forgive you, you know. She's not going to take you back and where will you be? Huh?"
"Alice, stop it. This is ridiculous." Emmett, although clearly annoyed, sounded relatively calm, which was good. Alice was a little scary at the moment and I don't think that I could handle two angry, screaming people right next to me. I just tried to hide my face, wishing I could sink into the carpet.
"You lied to me, you said everything was fine between the two of you. Did you think I was never going to find out?!"
"I didn't care if you found out, but Jasper should have kept his nose out of it."
"It's not his fault either! It's your fault."
I needed to leave, this wasn't going anyplace good. I started to get up, slowly as if they wouldn't notice.
But Alice wasn't done with her rant. She did however take a second to yell, "Sit back down, Edward!"
I sat immediately, scared of this tiny girl.
She opened her mouth, pointing a finger at her brother but he interrupted her.
"Why are you yelling at him now? What is your problem? I'm sorry I ruined your stupid little picture perfect group of friends, but you know what? That's how life works. It's shitty, so deal with it. Tell Jasper to stay out of my business in the future. And you can get out of my room, thanks."
Now he was mad, and I really wanted to leave.
"I'm not leaving until I get an explanation!"
Emmett obviously wasn't going to be bossed around. He stood up, moving towards Alice. I took my queue to do the same, not about to be the last one on the ground when a fight started.
But I should have known better. Emmett wasn't going to hurt her, he simply picked her up. She was banding her fists against any piece of his body she could reach, but he didn't seem bothered by it. He just carried her out of his room and down the hall. I took my chance and went the few steps to my room quickly, opening the door and standing in the frame where it was safe.
I heard the commotion going on down there. It sounded like Carlisle was getting involved now. I stood still, my hand on the doorknob, ready to retreat to my room at any moment, for maybe five or ten minutes.
Finally, Emmett came back. His eyes immediately went to mine. Going to his door, he stopped inside of it, much like I was and looked back at me.
"So … they know."
I smirked a little, adding, "Yeah, I figured that out."
"Sorry, by the way. I was having fun, I wish she hadn't done that."
I nodded, understanding what he meant exactly. I was having fun too, and Alice storming in there hadn't just interrupted us but it sort of ruined the vibe. We were done for the night, it wouldn't be the same. It would be awkward and tense.
After a moment of silence, he looked up at me again. "So, I'll see you tomorrow I guess."
I nodded, but I was trying to figure out the way he looked at me. It was so much more than a casual 'I'll see you later' look. It was intense, and I didn't know what to do with that. It should have made me uncomfortable, but it didn't.
I shook my head a little to get my eyes to leaves his.
"Goodnight, Edward."
"Night," I said, turning immediately to my room and closing the door finally. Looking at him like that was too much. He didn't understand how he was confusing me, clearly. I just didn't understand what his motivation was. If I could figure that out, everything would be so much easier.
I went to sleep that night thinking about Emmett. It turned out to be a nice change of pace, because I dreamed about him too. I started realizing that I liked to think about Emmett. I liked to imagine us doing different things, talking or driving around or whatever. It didn't make a lot of sense, but it was good, because where usually I was filled with anxiety whenever I thought about someone giving me any attention or me bothering them, with Emmett I wanted his attention and I wanted to spend time with him. I wasn't scared. It was just a really nice change of pace.
Saturday, December 25th
Christmas, as it turned out, came no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Saturday morning found me wide awake and anxious. The rest of the house, surprisingly, seemed to be sleeping in. The first sounds I heard were from the kitchen around ten, followed shortly by Emmett's door opening and his heavy feet moving quickly down the stairs. When another door, presumably Alice's opened downstairs, I sighed and rolled out of bed.
I was trying to strategize how this would work out the best today and the one conclusion I came to was that I should try to go along with it on my own instead of waiting for Esme or Carlisle to come up here and 'encouraging' me to do so. I knew eventually they would get their way. It was best to just play along and pretend that I was okay with the whole routine.
I washed my face, brushed my teeth and pulled a sweatshirt on, leaving my pajama pants on. I figured pajamas for breakfast was an appropriate Christmas morning routine, right?
So I went downstairs and found everybody in the kitchen. Esme had the whole countertop covered with baking ingredients while she was digging around in the fridge, Alice was sipping a cup of coffee, doing her best to ignore Emmett, and Carlisle and Emmett looked to be involved in some type of friendly conversation, until I walked in that is. Everybody looked up, seemingly surprised that I was here.
I tried not to feel unwelcome, I'm pretty sure that wasn't their intent, but it was kind of awkward. Surely they were just amazed I had left my room without being basically pried out of it.
I tried to grin a little to lessen the uncomfortable feeling in the room but it probably came out more of a grimace.
Esme put down whatever she had found in the fridge and came to me, giving me a one armed hug and wishing me a, "Merry Christmas."
She nudged me towards the table and I sat down next to Emmett, across from Carlisle.
It really wasn't so bad once I was settled in here. Everyone went on with the morning and I just observed, doing my best to pretend like it was a regular Saturday. It was just easiest that way.
Esme said they liked to eat a big Christmas lunch before they opened the presents, that way the day was focused more on family than gifts. Emmett rolled his eyes but I didn't mind at all. Alice, who was clearly not happy with Emmett but doing her best to be polite in front of their parents, helped Esme cook. I felt bad just sitting there doing nothing, so after a while of listening in on Emmett and Carlisle's conversation, I got up and offered to help Esme as well.
"That's very sweet of you Edward. You really don't need to though," she tried to wave me off.
"Can I though? I'll just start on these?" I asked, motioning towards the dirty dishes that she had let pile up by the sink. I didn't think she'd refuse my offer to do chores, but it was still polite to ask, right?
She gave me an oddly sympathetic look but nodded anyway. "I was just going to wait until we were all done, but if you insist. Thanks for the help."
The task was calming and I let it distract me. I always felt like I was eavesdropping. I didn't have much of anything to add to a conversation, so I always just ended up sitting there like an idiot listening in. To have something to do with my hands seemed to help a lot.
When I was done, Esme told me I was making the other guys look bad. My face went red. I hadn't meant to. She just laughed and told Carlisle, Emmett, and I to go entertain ourselves somewhere else so she could use the table.
The three of us ended up in the living room watching TV for a few minutes before Carlisle got a phone call and left me and Emmett alone.
I was embarrassingly relieved when he left the room.
He seemed to share the feeling, surprisingly enough.
"So," he said simply, as if acknowledging that we were alone.
"Soo…?" I hedged.
"So how's your first Christmas on the outside?" he said in a weird voice, almost like a pirate or something bizarre like that. Maybe I should have been offended or embarrassed or something by him brining up my past so carelessly, but it actually made me laugh. It broke the tension I was feeling and I felt lighter than before.
"I guess it's pretty nice so far."
"Yeah? Pretty crazy stuff, doing dishes and watching TV, huh?" He said it sarcastically. I knew that. So why I said what I did, potentially making a good situation turn bad very quickly, I will never know.
"It actually is pretty crazy, compared to my last Christmas." I stopped suddenly, realizing what was coming from my mouth. I eyed Emmett, checking to see how he took that. It wasn't so awkward for me to think about but lately stuff like that seemed to be coming out of my mouth without permission. He seemed frozen for a second, but recovered quickly.
"Yeah? What happened last Christmas?"
That was just like him. I said something a little shocking to him and he just threw it back at me. Now it was my turn to be stumped for a second.
I decided I should just go with it.
"I mean…nothing really happened at all. Nothing different than usual anyway."
"So basically, just by seeing my awesome face, this year already won, right?"
I wasn't sure why, but I felt my face go a little red at that. I tried to take my lead from Emmett though and not let it show. After all, he just let me off pretty easy. He had an in that both my shrink and Esme would have loved to run with, and he just basically let me have an easy out.
"Well, it wasn't really that hard to beat, so…"
He made an exaggerated gasp, like he really was hurt by my comments. I knew better and laughed under my breath. He joined me with a smile and then stuck his hand out, shoving my shoulder and saying, "fuck you." I could hear the smile in his voice. From where I sat on the couch, my whole torso was jarred to the side by his playful shove. For some reason, his actions made me smile. I loved that he didn't tiptoe around me. I felt like a regular guy around him.
I felt his hand on my shoulder long after it was gone. It wasn't that often that people touched me so casually, but this time was different still. The spot felt warm and I really wanted to reach out and feel it, but Emmett was still a foot away from me and that might be weird.
"Are you pumped for presents?" he asked, a renewed excitement in his voice.
"Uh…I guess I am? I don't really know." I glanced towards the big tree that had been set up a few weeks ago. Presents had been slowly appearing under it for days now, but the sudden influx this morning was a little alarming. There was a lot of money under that tree, I was sure.
While Esme had assured me that it was ridiculous for me to worry about getting people gifts, I still felt weird about it all. I mean, she had asked me several times if there was anything I could put on my own Christmas list. In just the same way she had assured me, I assured her I didn't need anything for Christmas. She told me I was being absurd. It was Christmas and I was going to enjoy it apparently. It still felt wrong that I wasn't repaying them in any way.
James did bring me stuff from time to time, he even called them 'gifts'. But I knew they were more or a mind game or something. It wasn't like he just got me things out of the goodness of his heart. And it wasn't like he made a big show of it or anything- they weren't wrapped and it wasn't ever because of a special occasion like Christmas.
So I was a little out of practice with presents and the like. I was a little nervous about it all.
"I guess? That's it?" Emmett asked, astounded. "I know what you're getting, I think you'll like presents by the end of the day." He smirked. It made me nervous.
I saw an opportunity here. The anxiety I was feeling about being surprised with whatever I opened could be gone if Emmett told me what it was….
I was quiet for a minute, trying to decide how I could do this.
"What am I getting?" I asked as casually as possible, staring at the TV in front of us.
"Pssh, noooope! That's not how the game works dude. Nice try." When I glanced at him, well more like scowled, he was grinning widely.
I humphed and he chuckled. I rolled my eyes. Whatever.
It seemed like a short time later that Esme called us back into the kitchen and had us help her set the table and get everything ready to go for the big Christmas meal she had prepared.
It felt good, helping out and feeling useful. But the more I watched their family holiday, the more I felt like I was an outsider. I felt like I didn't belong here, or that I was just getting in the way. I really wanted to go sit in a corner somewhere or hide in my room, just to get out of their path. Everybody was so efficient, working together and moving swiftly. I had to keep asking Esme what she wanted me to do and where things were and what should be put where. It just felt like I was slowing them down. I didn't like it.
Once the meal started, the feeling only got worse. Carlisle was talking about an older brother who he apparently hadn't seen in years. He was the one who had called, to wish him a Merry Christmas. Everyone else was talking about him and telling stories. I don't know why, but it just made me uneasy. I didn't know what they were talking about or how to contribute. So I just tried to look at my food and eat in silence. I didn't have any family stories. I didn't have any family, period.
I started to feel a little bit sick to my stomach. I had convinced myself that I was okay with this day, that Christmas was just another day of the week. But everyone here seemed so happy. Emmett and Alice had been fighting but it seemed like today was an exception to the rules. It was just a good day for everyone, everyone but me. I was seeing their family, so happy and comfortable with each other and I just felt like I was so out of place. Would I ever fit in anywhere?
I felt a little dizzy now. Everyone was talking, laughing, eating, and I just wanted them to stop. I wanted quiet for a minute. I wanted everything to be still for just a second so I could get myself under control.
All of a sudden, I wanted my parents. My mom and dad should be sitting here, talking with me and telling stories about relatives. They should have bought my presents and I should have bought them presents. We should have put up the tree and lights and I should have helped my mom cook Christmas dinner.
I missed my parents every day, but a lot of the time thoughts of James overrode thoughts of them. Right now, they were all I could think about. Well, all I could think about was my missing parents. There was a sudden gap in my chest which they should fill, but they weren't here.
I looked up, seeing the Cullens. They were all eating, laughing, talking with hands gesturing everywhere. It was all too loud, too much. I couldn't focus.
I meant to do it subtly, quietly, and casually. Instead, my fork slammed down on my plate, my chair legs scooted back loudly, and my hip caught on the edge of the table.
My socked feet slipped on the wood floor and Esme yelled after me. I didn't stop for her. I felt better when I was out of their sight, but I knew I would feel even better behind a closed door. I was a little dizzy and I took the stairs slow. So slow in fact, that I was caught by Esme.
Her hand closed around my elbow, stopping me.
"Edward?"
I was shaking my head. I wasn't panicking, not really. I just wanted to be by myself.
"I'm okay," I told her. I hated that my voice was shaky.
"Honey, what happened?" Her hand was still on my arm.
"Nothing."
"Something is wrong. What is it?"
I swallowed. "It's okay. I just really want to be alone." I said it slowly, clearly, and hopefully convincingly.
"Do you feel okay?"
"I just want to be by myself for a while…please." I was willing to beg her, but I didn't want to. I wanted to go upstairs.
I wasn't looking at her but I didn't need to be to know she was staring at me closely.
Before she let me go, she moved up a stair closer and pulled me into a one sided hug, squeezing me gently in what I'm sure she wanted to be a comforting way.
"Of course you can. Go on up and I'll come check on you later, alright? Come back down if you feel up to it."
That was all I needed to hear and I continued calmly up the stairs to my room.
I was almost out of her sight when she called up to me, "It's going to be okay Edward. Just…hang in there, alright?"
I didn't respond, didn't even nod. I was about at my breaking point and I didn't want her to witness my crash.
I closed myself in my room, fell onto my bed, curled up into a ball, and closed my eyes. It was the only way I could be with my parents, to pretend that they were here with me, next to me. If I only opened my eyes, surely they would be sitting with me, comforting me. In this way, I spent the rest of the day with them.
AN: Next chapter is Emmett! Thanks for reading, please leave me a review :)