Yeah, I know, this delay was particularly mean of me, and I'm very sorry. To everyone that reviewed and wanted me to keep writing, know that I don't plan on stopping until I am done, but sometimes life gets seriously in my way. My old laptop crashed and I lost the chapter I was working on (which was basically done) and had to start over. It's hard to get motivated after that happens. Finally, as you can see, I did and here it is. It's extra-long as a peace offering. I hope everyone likes where this is heading. Ch. 19 is well on its way, I'll do my best not to make you wait so long. Thanks for sticking with me.
EmPOV
Saturday, December 25th
I thought the morning went okay but honestly, I wasn't at all surprised by the mini-meltdown Edward had. I had really been expecting it. And the way he got extra quiet and kind of shrunk into himself right before he blew was a sure sign. But what was I supposed to do? Yell, hey everyone shut up so Edward can chill out? That wouldn't have helped either. So I just tried to get the attention off of him and hoped he could work it out for himself.
Turned out he couldn't this time.
When Mom came back to the table, she looked disappointed. I didn't know why, obviously once Edward decided he wanted to be alone, he wasn't going to cooperate until he got his way. I knew she understood that, so I didn't think she had a reason to be disappointed, especially at him. There just wasn't anything anyone could do about it. Just let him be.
"Is he okay?" Carlisle asked when she sat down and put her napkin back on her lap.
She smiled a fake smile and nodded. "He's alright, I think. He just wants to be alone for a little while. He might come back down later."
Yeah right. He was done for the day, I knew it.
"Well that's understandable. It's a big day for him after all. He must be overwhelmed."
I hated it when they did this. Talked about him, analyzed him and decided things for him. But it was Christmas and I shouldn't start anything, so I kept quiet.
The rest of the meal was spent not in silence exactly, but in fake cheerful conversation. Mom and Dad really tried to keep the holiday excitement going for us but it just wasn't working. It felt like something was missing, which was funny because Edward rarely said anything at mealtimes but his empty chair was basically screaming that something was wrong. At least I heard it screaming, not sure about the other, non insane people who didn't have some type of desperate and impossible fantasy for a relationship with the empty chair's previous occupant.
The fallout from Edward's little stroll through the woods was less severe than I had anticipated. Mom and Dad really weren't mad, they were only scared and worried. I kinda had some messed up jealousy issues after that, seeing as how the last time I snuck out in the middle of the night I was grounded for two weeks. Too bad they weren't just 'worried' about me then.
And yeah, I was a little upset myself because the guy scared the shit out of me. I mean, he was so naïve about some things that it wouldn't take much for him to get into a very sticky situation very quickly. Luckily he avoided anything catastrophic this time, but it still freaked me out. And I didn't think he realized the affect he had on me, disappearing like that. So it irritated me, which I don't think I hid very well.
My original plan was to confront him about it, but after his little apology in the kitchen, which I knew was at least in some way directed at me because he could have waited until he was alone with Mom, I decided to take a less direct route.
I'm not saying the guy was out of shape, because he didn't really have enough weight on him for that to be possible, but I did know that he had been eating a lot more than he was used to. It was starting to show up, not in a bad way, but places like his face and shoulders. He looked better every day, but I just thought he might need some way to keep in shape, after he gained all this weight.
I also knew he wouldn't be happy about this, so I combined both my agendas and made him go for a run with me. Yeah, he was pretty slow, but he did better than I expected. I went a lot slower than my normal pace, but he did keep up with me for the most part. He had to start somewhere. Now he could do this without me here if he wanted to. Hopefully it would give him an outlet for some of the pent up energy he seemed to have.
His question about why I cared about him so much was a little scary. I was pretty sure I was the only one clued in on my feelings for him and as much as I wanted him to feel the same, I wasn't sure if I was ready for all of that. It was probably ridiculous for me to think like that though and I pushed it from my head. Edward didn't mean it like that. I doubt any thought of that had crossed his mind in the slightest. He probably just noticed my crazy demeanor and wanted an explanation as to why I was such a freak around him.
The minor bomb he dropped Christmas morning while the two of us were watching TV was a bit of a shocker. I mean, the guy never brought shit like that up and it took me by surprise big time. I tried not to let my shock show, because I wanted him to be able to come and talk to me about things like that. If he wanted to tell me about the fucked up things that happened in that house, more power to him. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to know everything, but at least a small part of me was desperate for details. I wanted to know what he was working with in his head so I could be prepared and maybe help him with some of it. I felt lost with him all the time and I just wanted a little direction.
We finished lunch and cleaned up in relative silence. Whenever I caught Mom or Dad's eye, they would smile like nothing was wrong and everything was fine. Well maybe it was for them, but I hated what was going on.
Usually, after we all stuffed ourselves with deliciousness, we would move directly to the living room where all the presents were. I mean, it was Christmas after. But today, although nobody said what they were doing, everybody just sort of wandered off, avoiding the tree and gifts. Everyone was obviously hoping Edward would snap out of it and come down to enjoy them with us. If we just gave him enough time, maybe he would.
But he didn't. We waited all day. Esme and Alice went off to Church like they did on all major holidays. By the time they got home, it was dark and Carlisle insisted that we go ahead as usual.
Esme went up one last time, "just to check on him," she said. I knew he wouldn't come down, but I still waited hopefully for him to appear on the stairs behind her when she returned.
"He doesn't want to come down." She tried to smile and shrug it off.
"What's he doing?" I asked. I had fleeting thoughts of going up there and bringing him down here myself. Surely he just needed a little push in the right direction. But he might be more upset than I thought and I didn't want to send him into some type of major freak out on Christmas.
"He's just resting. He said he's been sleeping and he's not hungry."
"I hope he doesn't think he'd be ruining it for us if here came down here…" Alice added quietly.
"I thought of that too. I told him that he wasn't intruding and that we really wanted him with us but I'm not sure if he believed me." Esme told us. "Either way, he said no, so let's just try to enjoy the night, shall we?"
We did just that, opening presents from each other, leaving all of Edward's neatly piled under the tree for him to find later. While my presents were pretty awesome and I did my best to show my parents how grateful I was for them, it honestly just wasn't the same. Which was messed up, because it wasn't like Edward had ever been there before for Christmas.
But I knew the last thing he would want was for him to be at fault for messing up the day, so I did my best to enjoy it.
Afterwards, we all sat around the living room, eating the leftover cookies and watching a Christmas movie. It was nice to spend time with them, especially Alice. We had been in a fight about Jasper, and we were both still mad about it. I wasn't over it and she wasn't even close to being over it. But she was my little sister and when it was all boiled down, I just wanted her to be safe and happy.
I rarely thought about my old life anymore, the one before the Cullens. But Christmas was a natural time for that stuff to come back, I guess. Thinking about the few Holidays I remembered with them, it made me insanely happy to be here and I threw an arm around my sister, hugging her a little tighter to me. Surely tomorrow she would be mad at me again and we would pretend this didn't happen, but for now it was nice.
After everyone went to bed, I stayed downstairs. Edward had a habit of wandering in the night, and I was going to wait for him in case tonight was a repeat.
He didn't show.
I went to bed around three, glancing at his closed door on my way.
He didn't even emerge the next morning, in fact the first time I saw him was for dinner. Carlisle was at work, so it was just the four of us which I thought would make him more relaxed than usual. Instead, he seemed even more down on himself than usual. He stared at the floor or his plate, never once looking up at me or anyone else. He pushed his food around and didn't even touch his drink. It wasn't that he seemed tired exactly, just distracted or something.
When everyone was done, I helped Mom clear the table and do the dishes. Edward had disappeared, which wasn't a big shock, but when I went out to the living room, there he was.
He was sitting as close to the end of the couch as possible, all squeezed in the corner. His elbow was resting on the arm of the couch with his face resting on his own arm, cheek all squished and sad like. I couldn't help but smile a little at the cuteness of it, right before I mentally smacked myself for having such thoughts and forcing the smile away.
As casually as I could, I plopped down on the couch next to him, grabbing the remote. The fact that he was sitting in the semi-dark living room in silence with no TV was odd, and not lost on me.
I flipped channels, pretending like everything was normal. After a few minutes, I glanced at him. He wasn't even looking at the TV. His gaze was directed at the ground in front of his feet, all distant and cloudy.
"You alright?" I asked him, still watching.
He blinked rapidly a few times and swallowed before nodding without moving his head from its resting place.
"You seem kinda tired."
He shrugged. Shifted his leg. Didn't look at me. He was worse than I thought. Disappointment ran through me, thinking of the days going up to Christmas. He had been doing well, we had been hanging out more and everything seemed good. Now this.
I turned the TV off and threw the remote down in between us. He didn't look up. We sat in silence for a moment before it was too much for me.
"Wanna go for a drive?" I asked hopefully, expecting rejection.
"Where?" His voice sounded groggy and unused. But at least he talked.
"Nowhere."
His deep breathe could have been him bracing himself or some type of irritated sigh, but after another minute or so he stood up. I watched him go to the closet, open it, get his shoes, and then go to get his coat. I smiled when he finally looked up at me, ready to go.
I stuck my head in the kitchen to tell Mom what we were doing and then followed him out the door.
I drove aimlessly around Forks, not surprised by the complete lack of other cars on the road. Edward just stared out the dark window, again not talking.
"Have you been to the beach yet?" I knew he hadn't, but the silence was killing me.
He shook his head and said, "What beach?"
"Remember Jake? The reservation he lives on has a nice beach, a couple of minutes from here. Its cold as fuck out there with the wind and stuff, but still pretty neat." I turned the car in that direction.
I parked in a spot a little far off but with a view of the water. It was dark, but you could still see the waves breaking.
"Did you ever go to the beach when you were little?"
He paused for a moment, thinking. "Uh…once I think. I don't know, they probably took me I just don't remember." He shrugged. I frowned, sad that he seemed to have lost some of the memories of his parents. He was eight before they died, I thought he would have remembered most stuff.
"When it warms up we'll go. Some of the guys on the reservation surf out there."
He nodded. I thought he was done but then he said quietly, "I don't even know if I still know how to swim."
"I don't think you can forget stuff like that, if you learned it once," I tried to reassure him. "But don't worry, I'll teach you." I meant it to be more of a joke, but once it was out, the thought of teaching Edward something like that was enough to make my face go red.
This wasn't working. I had to do something else to get him out of this mood. An idea struck me, and it was probably a bad one, but a smile immediately came to my lips. There was something else I could teach him.
I started the car. I pulled out of my spot and towards a decently sized empty parking lot.
"Hey Edward? Do you want to drive?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him look at me.
To my surprise and excitement, he gave me a definitive, "Yes."
Once we were in the lot, we switched seats and I had a huge fucking grin on my face at the excitement in his eyes.
"Alright, let me channel my mother for a second." I put my fingers on my temples and pretended to have some type of telepathic moment. "Okay, at this point I should lecture you about safety and always wearing your seatbelt and making sure everyone in the car does the same. So pretend I did that."
He put his seatbelt on.
"Okay, now you should be able to see out of all your mirrors. Move them around if you can't." He did that and adjusted everything else that was necessary.
"Your lights are already on, so we're good to go. You know which one is the gas and break, right?" He nodded. "That's right, because I gave the best pre-driver lessens ever," I bragged, thinking back to our video game sessions with the wheel.
"Now press down on the break."
"Okay."
"Now grab the gear shift. Pull it towards you and down until it's on the 'D'." He struggled with it for a second but got it and put the car into drive.
"Alright. Now really slowly, lift your foot of the break until you start moving."
He did, and as he started rolling, a look of intense concentration came over his face. He steered around the lot some and when he got the hang of it, started using some gas. The look of excitement on his face was priceless.
I told him he could drive on the road for a little ways, seeing as how there were no other cars and it was getting late, but he refused.
"We'll get in trouble if someone sees us," he told me. I rolled my eyes at his paranoia but he looked like he was having plenty of fun anyway, so I let him continue going in circles and backing in and out of parking spaces.
When he'd had his fill, he put the car in park and sat back, looking satisfied.
"That was fun."
I laughed but was genuinely happy I got him to say that tonight.
"Tell Carlisle you want to learn. He'd love to take you out."
Edward didn't know yet, but I happened to know that one of his gifts under the tree was a set of car keys. Mom and Dad wanted him to be able to feel like he had some independence. They were going to start encouraging him to learn to drive and to inspire him, they bought him his own car. It wasn't a new car or anything, just a nice used Volvo, but it was safe and a good car to learn in. I knew he would probably flip over them spending so much money on him, but at least now he knew he would enjoy driving and maybe wouldn't put up so much of a fight.
"Maybe," he shrugged. I would bet my own car that Edward would never ask Carlisle to teach him, but that was okay. Carlisle or Esme would ease him into it so he didn't have to.
"Thanks for showing me," he mumbled, taking off his seatbelt and going to open the door. Once we were back in our original seats, I started to head home.
Stupidly, I couldn't just let that be it for the night. I had to push him, and that would never end well.
"So are you alright? From yesterday, I mean."
Immediately, he looked down at his lap, twisting his hands together.
"Yeah," he mumbled.
"You didn't get to open your presents. You missed all the good stuff," I said, trying to lighten his suddenly somber mood.
He scoffed and shook his head a little. "I don't think I can take any more Christmas presents this year."
"What? Why?"
After another breathy sigh, he told me what had been going on all day today, and why I hadn't seen him until dinner.
EPOV
Sunday, December 26th
Christmas had been fairly horrible. Today had been worse.
Not only did I have to wake up and realize that I was alone, again, but the one and only 'present' I was persuaded to open made me want to throw up, pass out, and cry all at once. Two of those really did happen, and multiple times.
Esme and Carlisle came to my room. Together. That was most definitely not a good sign. They made me sit on the couch and said they had something important to talk to me about. They said they had discussed it with Dr. Garrison. The scenarios running through my head after they told me that were probably laughable, but I couldn't even think about laughing.
Esme sat on the couch next to me and launched into the story about my grandmother, of all people. Apparently, she had possession of a lot of my parent's things after I went missing. When my grandma died, some of it was trashed and some of it was packed away. What was left over consisted of the contents of a medium sized box, which Carlisle then brought in from the hallway and sat on the floor in front of me. I heard Esme continue to speak about how a woman who worked for my grandmother had the box and sent it here when she learned that I had been found, but I wasn't really paying attention to the details. I was staring at this box.
It was just an ordinary brown cardboard box, tapped up with an address for somewhere in Seattle on the top. It didn't look like it had been opened. I had this intense feeling like the box should stay that way, unopened. I didn't want to know what was inside, did I? Wasn't it better if I never knew this box existed, for it could only bring pain and grief for me, I was sure. But I did know about this box, and I could never rest properly again until I knew what else of my parents still existed.
Plus, Carlisle was basically insisting I open it now.
"We haven't opened it, but of course it went through the police in Seattle. We did see the letter from the woman who had it, and have been assured that it is a credible source. This box did come from your grandmother in Chicago. Dr. Garrison thinks it best that we open it together, rather that we be here with you when you do open it."
I made no move to open it, in fact I made no move at all.
"Dr. Garrison also said that if you wanted, we could go through the box for you first, just so we could help you know what to expect before you're surprised by something. She insisted that we give you the option however. It is your property now, and you can decide what is done with it."
Without acknowledging anything he just said, I slowly slid down onto the floor. I put my hands on the sides of the box, feeling it. It felt heavy. I tried to imagine what was inside, and my stomach did a little flip.
What did I actually want from my parents? The only thing that I had ever wished for was for something that I knew didn't exist. I wanted some type of message from them, telling me that they were okay. I wanted to know that they weren't upset with me and that they loved me and that they were still proud that I was their son. I knew those things were true before they died, but now? I didn't know. So many things had happened to me, so many things I had done could have changed how they felt. I just wanted some reassurance, and I knew I would never get it. Not from them.
So why should I open this? I didn't know. I guess it was simple curiosity, or some freakishly morbid desire to have their things so nobody else did. But I felt my fingers picking at the tape that held the package closed.
I did it slowly, and I wondered if Carlisle or Esme were becoming irritated. That was the last time I thought about their presence though, because as soon as the flaps folded back, thoughts of them were utterly unimportant.
The box was obviously old. Dust flew up at me, and with it came something I hadn't even known that I missed. It smelled like my mom and dad. I could never describe it in words, but the second I experienced it, I felt like they were there. How else would their scent have survived this long?
The first thing I picked up was my mother's purse from the top of the pile. It was small and brown and smooth. If you had asked me five minutes ago what it looked like, I wouldn't have been able to describe it if my life depended on it. But now I could remember it vividly, thrown over her shoulder as she loaded me into the car or held my hand in a parking lot. It felt like it was from another life all together.
I put it aside, not looking inside for now. My dad's wallet was close behind. Again, I set it aside for later. A wrist watch, a small container with a clear plastic top which held some of my mother's jewelry, along with some other smaller trinkets were on top of larger, folded pieces of fabric. I didn't recognize them at first, but after taking them out and holding them in my hands, I saw them as a scarf of my mothers and a sweater of my father's. Their smell was clearly coming from these. If I remembered correctly, these were some of the things my mother had made herself. When I returned to the box, I saw a third item of clothing and recognized this one immediately. A sweater my mom had made me, very similar to my dad's except for in little kid size. After setting that aside with the others, I saw what had made the box heavy. Books lined the bottom of the box. Confusion struck. Why would she have saved books? What emotional value did they have to her?
Picking the first one up, I saw it was untitled. I felt my lip quiver when I opened the first page. It was my mother's handwriting. It was a journal. I slammed it shut, not at all prepared to read something like that. The next two books were the same, and the fourth was what made me want to throw up.
A photo album, complete with a baby me on the first page. Again, I couldn't even contemplate looking at all of the pictures without having some type of serious breakdown. I set it aside with my other treasures. Pressed up against the side of the box was a yellow envelope. It was large, and when I opened it, I saw it contained other smaller ones.
The first one I opened contained only a key. I had never seen it before and I had no idea what it could be to. For the first time, I looked up for help from Esme. Not surprisingly, she had tears in her eyes. Her eyebrows raised in question and I held up the envelope for her to take. Looking inside, she pulled out the key along with a piece of paper which I had missed.
"Honey, I think it's a safety deposit box key. Like at a bank? You can store things there so they don't get stolen or damaged. We can…" she looked up at her husband, holding the key and paper out.
"I'll look into it." He took the key to examine for himself but I was back to my box.
The big envelope had several more things inside, but I pulled out the one that would do me in. Two gold bands were inside, and knowing what they were made vomit rise in my throat. I lurched for the bathroom door, basically crawling there on my knees. I managed to swing the door shut just as I heaved into the toilet. I didn't have much to give and soon it was just bile, but my stomach kept retching over and over.
When I was finally done, I felt the tears on my cheeks and I wrapped my arms around my legs, rocking back and forth a little, which made me feel a tad better. Surprisingly, they gave me some privacy for a few minutes before Esme came to check on me.
She put a cold clothe on my face, wiping sweat away. She gave me a glass of water.
"That's enough for today, Edward. We put everything back, the box is tucked away in your closet when you want to see it again, alright?" I nodded weakly.
She sideways hugged me, telling me, "That was hard to do. I think you did a good job going through it, you know. It's some pretty strong stuff, isn't it?"
When I didn't answer, she got me to go back to my room with her. Carlisle was gone. She sat me on my bed. She stayed with me until I told her I wanted to be alone for a while.
"Will you take a break from the box for today at least?"
I nodded, being truthful. I was done with that stuff for a while.
She hugged me again and finally let me be.
I wasn't tired at all.
I did my very best to keep my thoughts out of that box, and I must say I did pretty well, all things considered. I was rapidly learning that my old talent of blanking out my mind was a valuable skill outside of James' house too.
A few hours went by while I laid on my side staring aimlessly around my room. At some point my fingers had found my stomach, the nails digging in a little.
Eventually I started to feel a little better. I rolled over, stiff from my stillness. I stretched, groaning a little. I rolled out of bed, glancing at the clock before going to the bathroom to wash my hands.
It was just about time for dinner and I was grateful for the opportunity to have a distraction that wasn't so hard to come by.
I made my way down the stairs, listening for signs of where everyone else was. I wondered if this was normal and if I would ever be able to stop. I mean, nobody had ever hurt me here, yet I was always on alert for where people were, what they were doing, and how I could avoid them or confront them in the least noticeable way. I didn't consciously think about it usually, but when I realized I was doing it, it became exhausting. With James, I was similarly tense but only at certain times of the day. I knew his routine and I knew when I had to be on guard. At the Cullen's, there were too many people to keep track of.
Diner was fine. Carlisle was gone and Esme didn't bring up the box. I avoided her gaze at all costs though because I didn't want to encourage a conversation like that. Nobody made me talk. I almost wanted to talk, so I could keep my mind out of the box upstairs. I didn't, because of Esme, but I thought about it and that was enough.
After diner, I stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up. At this point of the night, I usually went up them and went to my room, watching TV or playing around on the piano to pass the time. But tonight I really didn't want to be alone up there. I knew the box in the closet would be too tempting. I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. I didn't want to open it, or go through it anymore, at least not today. Just the knowledge that it was there was almost too much for me.
So I went to the couch instead, slumping down in the corner. This was ridiculous, really. I couldn't even be by myself, which I would have sworn was only way I could ever be comfortable.
Emmett came in after me, sat next to me, and turned the TV on. He asked me if I was okay, which honestly was beginning to irritate me. Everybody always asked me but I was pretty sure they didn't want an honest assessment. Not that I was going to give them one but if I had told him what I had done yesterday, or today for that matter, he would be seriously uncomfortable. No, he wanted me to say I was fine. So I did. I didn't look at him though. I don't think I had looked at anybody today.
After a few minutes, he gave a frustrated sigh and turned the TV off, standing up. He asked if I wanted to go for a drive, which honestly sounded like a great distraction, if not a stressful event. I agreed.
Emmett drove around in a seemingly directionless path for a while before making some forced conversation with me.
He told me about a beach nearby and headed in that direction.
He asked if I had ever been to a beach. Thinking about it, I couldn't decide. I mean, I knew what a beach was, like I could picture the ocean, waves and sand, but I couldn't actually remember being there. But how would I know what it was if I had never been there? My parents must have taken me at some point, because I don't ever remember seeing pictures or anything about a beach at James'. Besides, I could remember the sound of the waves distinctly, so I must have been there before. I told Emmett as much.
I tried to picture myself at the beach. Playing in the sand or splashing around in the waves with my Dad. I couldn't remember any of it, but I did remember swimming at our neighborhood's pool. I think I liked it. I wonder if I could still do it.
Emmett suggested that we go when the weather warmed up, and immediately I thought that surely I would need to be able to swim to participate in such activities.
"I don't even know if I still know how to swim," I told him honestly. I was pretty sure he wouldn't make fun of me. He never had before.
He didn't this time either. He just offered to teach me if I didn't.
Slowly, I was beginning to realize that Emmett really was on my side. In my limited life experience, I had learned that it was natural for people to want something from you. I mean, I knew some people loved me, but not everyone automatically wanted good things for you. They wanted good things for themselves. Thinking back, I couldn't remember anything Emmett had done to me that was purely for selfish reasons. I think most of the time, anything we did together was meant to be beneficial to me, and that was an odd feeling. He didn't have any reason to be nice to me, and it didn't make a lot of sense. But his actions were the proof I needed.
"Hey, Edward? Do you want to drive?"
I wasn't sure I heard him right. I raised an eyebrow and turned my head slightly to look at him. Pretty sure he was serious.
It did sound kinda fun and I didn't want Emmett to think I was scared, so I said yes immediately.
As soon as I was in the driver's seat and he was giving me instructions, I got a little nervous. Carlisle and Esme had both made it clear I was not supposed to learn to drive from Emmett. Carlisle would teach me. But what harm could it do? I was only a parking lot after all.
Turns out, I was fun. I'm not sure how good I am at driving, but I want to get better. Steering the huge vehicle around in circles made me feel kind of powerful, and that was a good feeling, at least I thought so.
Emmett wanted me to go out onto the road, but that's where I drew the line. I refused to go out where I knew I wasn't allowed, at least until I had some type of permission.
When I was done, Emmett hinted that I should ask Carlisle to teach me for real. The thought of being in a car with him alone while he gave me constant instructions on a potentially dangerous activity sounded like a bad idea to me. I knew he would stress me out and it probably wasn't a good to be distracted while learning something like this.
Just when I was feeling really good about Emmett, he brought up Christmas. Of course, he couldn't leave it alone and pretend like it didn't happen. But he had been good to me so far, and I knew I should return the favor. I answered honestly, telling him that my only Christmas present I had yet to open was so far a disaster.
"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.
I let out a breathy laugh with no real humor behind it and went ahead and told him.
"Your parents gave me a box full of my parent's old stuff."
"Really?" he sounded surprised, obviously he didn't know about it. "And that's bad, I take it?" he asked a little more hesitantly, sounding confused.
I grimaced a little, realizing how maybe a normal person would have simply been happy about all that stuff suddenly appearing when I thought it was all lost.
"Yeah. It's bad."
"They gave it to you yesterday?" he sounded a little irritated.
"Today." I didn't want to talk about yesterday.
"Oh," he sounded relieved. "I was gonna say, what I shitty move giving you something like that on Christmas of all days. But I guess if they had it they had to give it to you right? At least they didn't try to keep it from you." He shrugged.
Again, Emmett amazed me at how he thought immediately of what it meant for me, not anyone else, but me. He saw that I would have been extremely hurt if they had kept it from me, but that it was still hard to have. There was no good answer.
"Dude I still think you need to open your other presents. Like I said, I know what's in some of them and they're gonna be better than the box, I swear."
I shrugged, disagreeing. I just didn't want to open stuff with everybody watching me.
I didn't say it out loud but somehow Emmett seemed to hear it.
"How about when we go home you open them really fast before anyone else comes to watch you. That way there's no pressure. If you hate something you'll have time to fake it."
Laughing, I shook my head at his strategic thought process. Everything was like a game to him. Always trying to beat the system.
When we did get back to the house, it was kind of nice. My mood had greatly improved. I don't know why, nothing we talked about was particularly uplifting, but I just felt better after having talked about some of it. It wasn't such a big deal anymore.
I thought about pretending like I had forgotten about his plan for me opening presents, but decided against it. It was probably the best offer I was gonna get.
When I saw the pile still under the tree, my stomach tightened a little. It was way too much, of course, but what else could I have expected from them?
"There would have been more but Esme wouldn't let me or Alice get you anything. Next year…" he hinted.
Esme already told me this, trying to put less pressure on me. I thought it was rude of me not to reciprocate, but she said it was the parent's job and I could start slow, without Emmett and Alice involved. That way I didn't feel weird about not getting them anything. It still felt weird.
Emmett gave me a little push towards them. I looked around, making sure we were alone. The house was semi dark, the only major source of light coming from the tree that was still light up. I could hear the dishwasher running from the kitchen and the faint sounds of a TV on upstairs, but that was it.
Slowly, I sat in front of my pile, getting ready. I glanced at Emmett, wishing he wouldn't watch me with such an amused expression.
Immediately, he stopped and reached for the remote, plopping down on the couch and leaving me to my own devices, yet still being there so I wasn't doing something like this alone.
Tearing open the paper brought back weird memories. It was déjà vu again and I didn't particularly like the sensation.
It started off slowly, some clothes and books, then a pair of running shoes. Then I opened an iPod, which made me a little dizzy. It looked expensive.
"That's the only thing she let me help with. I set up your iTunes for you, it's ready to go. You're about to be musically educated," Emmett said with a smile in his voice.
"Thanks?" I questioned, not really sure of what to make of all this stuff. I didn't have any experience with it and I wouldn't even know where to begin with music. It wasn't something I would have thought I wanted, but maybe I did.
The next present I opened was weird. It wasn't something I thought I needed or even could use, and I didn't understand why I had gotten it.
I held up a small box labeled as a phone charger for a car. I looked at Emmett. His face, which had once again been an amused smile, dropped.
"Oh. Shit. Well, I didn't know what was in that. You probably were supposed to open the other one first…." He hopped up and took two steps over to me, picking up a small box which was the only other present left.
"Surprise?" he said.
It wasn't really a surprise though, because I was still very confused.
When the ring of keys fell onto my lap, I still didn't get it.
"Told you these were good presents."
"Wait, what?" They wouldn't have, would they?
"Now you have to get your license. You wouldn't want a nice car to go to waste, would you?"
I threw the keys back on the floor, near Emmett's feet. He laughed.
"Oh, no you don't. The damage is done, it's in the garage."
"Oh my god," I muttered, feeling sick. I put my head in my hands and shook it back and forth, aghast at what these people thought was a good idea.
"Dude, this was not the reaction I was expecting. Do you want me to show you what you should be doing?" he was laughing at me, and I didn't think it was funny. I looked to him, eyebrows raised and exasperated.
He nodded before changing his face into some type of exaggerated disbelief and throwing his hands in the air.
"Oh my god, no way! A car? For me?! I don't fucking believe it!" and he jumped up and down a few times before grabbing the keys and running for the garage, looking like a crazed little kid the entire time.
As shocked and stressed as I was, I had to laugh at his antics. I hopped up after him, following him to the garage.
I found him sprawled out over the hood of a small, silver car at the opposite side of the garage, his hands reverently touching its surface.
When I walked over to him, he snapped out of it.
"Alright, now it's your turn to freak out. Go." He stood back and waved his arms towards the car.
I shook my head, smiling and crossing my arms over my chest. He and his parents were both insane.
I focused back on the car and my smile faded quickly. I felt seriously sick to my stomach thinking about how much this cost them. I didn't even know how to drive, why would I ever need such an extravagant gift?
"Come on, get it," Emmett insisted. I liked the idea of sitting, so I went for the passenger door. "Nooo, no, no, no." He grabbed my sleeve and pulled me to the driver's seat, opening the door and pushing me in. He ran over to the passenger, sliding in next to me. Next, he reached over and put the keys in the ignition, turning them just until the lights on the dash clicked on.
"Well?" he asked, already busy pressing buttons and adjusting things on his side.
"It's insane….like…like really insane. I don't even…," I babbled, finding it a little hard to breathe in here. Of course, the inside was beautiful, black and shiny and all fancy and I didn't deserve any of it. I didn't want to touch anything, afraid I would mess it up.
"It's not that crazy. You need to learn to drive, you need a car to drive in. Why not?"
"It's expensive, that's why," I told him, exasperated. He really didn't see that?
"It's a Christmas present," he shrugged it off. "They make plenty of money and want you to have it. Don't worry about it."
"You're all crazy, I swear," I muttered. He laughed a deep, throaty laugh, truly amused.
Right then, Esme entered the garage. Instinctually, I reached for the car door, ready to jump out. Emmett grabbed my arm, keeping me inside the vehicle, even though I didn't feel like I belonged here at all.
Instead, he rolled down his window, waving her over to us.
"I wondered what all the commotion was about. I see you finally got to your presents?" she asked me, leaning over to look in the window at us.
"Giving him presents is like pulling teeth, I swear," Emmett told her.
"Well, what do you think?" Esme asked.
I didn't know what to say at all. I was at a complete loss and all I could do was shake my head and stare at my surroundings.
"He loves it," Emmett reassured her confidently. "He just needs some time to bond with her."
"Oh, it's a her, huh?" she asked, sounding amused.
"Obviously Edward gets to name her, but yeah, I'm getting a her vibe for sure," he nodded.
No matter how much small talk they made, it didn't change anything and I was still freaking out.
"Edward?" Esme sounded concerned now, picking up on my discomfort.
Looking at her, I wondered what went through their minds when deciding that they would buy this for me. I had no idea why they would care so much as to make sure an extravagant purchase when I didn't even need it.
"It's way too much. Honestly, I don't need it. You should take it back." I swallowed, suddenly very thirsty.
"We want you to have it. It's not too much. This way you can learn to drive in your own car and when you're ready, you can take it out and enjoy it on your own."
I shook my head, unconvinced. I didn't even need to drive at all. Where would I go?
"They already bought me and Alice cars, you were going to need one eventually anyway. It's only fair," Emmett pointed out. But I wasn't really their kid, and they didn't really need to spend this type of money on me.
"I have an idea. I think Carlisle would love it if you would let him teach you how to drive. That would more than pay him back for this. It would mean a lot to him."
As much as that activity itself sounded awful to me, the whole idea was probably a good one. It was something I could do and if it really would mean that much to him, I would do it.
I nodded my head, agreeing. It didn't seem like enough, but if it was all I could do, then I had to.
"Really? He'll be so pleased, Edward."
"Can I come?" Emmett asked, almost begging.
"Ask Carlisle, but you can probably sit in the backseat. If you're quiet and let them focus."
That would make it easier. I was relieved immediately I wouldn't be alone for so long with Carlisle. And Emmett had already proven to be a pretty good teacher. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.
Tuesday, December 28th
The days after Christmas continued to improve. Once I got over the car shock, the holiday was pretty much over and forgotten, so life got back to normal for the most part.
Emmett had gotten me to go out for another run with him and while I still felt like I was about to die about half way through, it was a nice feeling. Being outside, moving around, doing something normal, all of it was good.
I had another piano lesson, which also went well, despite me being nervous the whole time. My teacher was really good though, she gave me homework and tips on what to work on when she wasn't with me. I felt like I was actually making progress on something, which was a new feeling.
The box in my closet stayed in my closet. Whenever I was in my room, I thought about it, but never opened it. On one hand I wished they hadn't showed it to me. It was stressful knowing it was there and wondering what all of it meant, but on the other hand, one day I would probably be grateful for it.
Its presence had made me spend more time out of my room either way, which was sort of a good thing. Me and Emmett hung out pretty much every night, watching TV or playing video games.
On Monday, we ended up playing a board game with Alice and Esme. I didn't want to at first, worrying I would be the only one that didn't know how to play and would slow everyone else down. Luckily, it was something Esme had gotten for Christmas and nobody knew how to play. I caught on quickly and it ended up being a fun evening with everyone.
Esme said they used to play games like this all the time when Emmett and Alice were little. I couldn't help but suspect it was only because of me that they were doing it now. They were trying to find ways that I could participate. The options were kind of limited seeing as how I didn't really want to leave the house and I didn't want to talk that much. I appreciated the effort but the whole thing was a bit sad. Or pathetic. Or both. I don't know, I tried to make myself stop thinking about their motives all the time but sometimes it was hard.
When Carlisle got home later that night and we sat around eating dinner, Esme told him about the car. As she had predicted, Carlisle was thrilled when she told him I had agreed to let him teach me to drive. It was obvious he tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal. Clearly he was very excited because the smile didn't leave his face for several minutes after, even though the conversation had moved on to other topics.
Alice had given me her book to study from for the driving permit test. I spent basically the whole day on Monday reading it. Esme and Emmett were going to take me to take the test of Wednesday. To say I was nervous was a serious understatement, but I wanted to do this. Not only had I already told everyone I would and I didn't want to chicken out, but it was apparent to me the Carlisle would be seriously disappointed if I didn't let him help me with this. A nicely sized shot of guilt went through me when I realized how much I avoided him and that maybe I hadn't been as sneaky as I thought. I needed to pay him back with this.
So here I was, sitting on the couches in the living room with Emmett as he quizzed me one last time before bed. I could easily have done it myself, but he insisted on helping me.
"When you see a school bus on a road with 2 lanes traveling in opposite directions, when must you stop?"
"In either lane, if the red lights on the bus are flashing."
"Duh. Next, if you operate a motor vehicle registered in Washington State, you must have what?"
"Liability insurance and carry an ID card proving that you have it."
"Dude, this test is easy. You read the whole book, you're going to ace it." He flipped the small book closed, tossing it back over to me and sitting up, stretching.
"Are you sure? I mean, I've hardly been in a car and I've never really paid attention to traffic laws or anything." I was completely unconfident in my ability to do this. Emmett's lack of concern worried me.
"Nobody pays attention to traffic when they're not driving. Trust me, you'll be fine. I didn't even open the book until I was in line at the place and I did totally fine. Besides, you only have to get an 80 percent. Stop worrying."
It definitely wasn't that easy. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Not just the test, but all the people that would surely be there and I would have to talk to.
"Relax, think about something else," he suggested. He flipped on the TV, volume low while he flipped through the guide for something good. "I talked to Sarah for a bit as she was leaving the other day. I didn't realize she was doing your piano lessons."
The sudden change in topic threw me a little, but I appreciated the distraction.
I nodded, not knowing where he was going with this.
"She's older than us but I used to see her around the reservation when we hung out with Jake. She's pretty cool."
I nodded again.
"She's kinda hot now too. Don't you think?" he asked, not looking at me but at the show titles he was flipping through. Good thing because my face instantly went red.
"Yeah, she's…nice," I told him, having no idea how to respond to his question.
He chuckled a little. "Yeah, I know she's nice, but do you like her? That would be such a great cliché, having a thing for your piano tutor." He smiled at the picture he'd created.
"Oh…I uh, I don't know," I stuttered out, not sure what to say.
"You don't know?"
"I just didn't think about it."
I didn't want to talk about this. I had no idea how to have a conversation like this and I felt like Emmett was pressuring me into talking about it and I had no idea why he wanted to know.
"How would you not think about it? I mean, she's sitting like right next to you. Wouldn't you-"
"I don't know, I just didn't," I snapped at him, sounding more aggravated than I meant to. Emmett's eyes snapped towards me, shock evident.
"Sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed. Except I wasn't sorry. Why was he pushing me like that when I obviously didn't want to talk about it? It wasn't like him.
"No, sorry I brought it up," he told me hesitantly, looking back at the TV.
As much as I wanted to ignore the whole thing, I couldn't. There was an awkward tension in the room now. It bothered me that I had caused it. I was still mad though. And the more I thought about it, the stupider it seemed, not my reaction, but my lack of ability to answer his questions like normal teenage boy. I didn't even know how to fake it.
Irritated beyond belief, I got up, shoving the couch pillow from my lap in Emmett's direction. I headed towards the stairs quickly, not looking back at him.
"Edward, I'm sorry I said anything, we were just talking." He sounded confused and exasperated. To tell the truth I was too.
I didn't slow down, didn't look back at him. "Just…never mind," I said, shaking my head at my irrationality.
I got to my room and pushed the door shut a little harder than I meant to. I was breathing heavily. I flipped all the lights on and looked around my room. It was spotless, as usual, but I felt the need to fix something. I needed something productive to do with my hands. I went to the bookshelf, straightening things that didn't need straightening and then my desk, opening drawers and rearranging things until they were back in their original spot.
After doing much the same to the pillows on my bed, I shook my head, trying to snap out of it. I went to the bathroom, stripping my shirt off and starting the shower. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands, wiping down the counter around the sink when I was done. It was a stupid, mindless action that somehow made me feel a little better.
Taking the rest of my clothes off, I stepped into the hot shower, letting the water burn my skin. I washed at an almost frantic pace, focusing on my movements. When I had nothing left to do, the thoughts of what just happened were waiting just beneath the surface, ready to consume me as soon as I let them.
Standing under the hot water, the reason behind my reaction hit me full force. All Emmett had done was ask about a girl. My feelings, or lack thereof, for said girl. And yeah, I should have made something up, but the truth was, the whole subject had been weighing on my mind lately.
I knew it was normal. I saw it on TV, I read about it in books, and recently I saw it through Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, and even the little interaction I had with Jacob and Bella. I knew it was normal and something that should be happening to me. Liking girls, dating girls, whatever. I know I hadn't actually met that many girls, but I watched TV and I paid attention when I went out and stuff. I was pretty sure there should be something there, I should feel something or they should at least get my attention. None of that had happened. At all.
It was just another thing that was weird about me. Another thing I had to worry about. Was I so messed up that part of me was broken or lost or just turned off? Would I never feel something like that for someone? It scared me, not because it was something I thought I should have to be like other people, but because I didn't want to end up alone.
I liked my privacy and space, I knew that. But being alone for the rest of my life was scary.
I hadn't ever thought about any of it before, not really. I mean, I was only a kid and when I was with James, it wasn't exactly something my mind wandered to. But now that I was here, I saw it every day. Carlisle and Esme for one. They obviously loved each other. Would I ever be able to have anything like that? I couldn't imagine how.
It wasn't like I thought I was ready for something like that anyway, but the fact that I might never have it was what worried me.
I didn't want to end up like James. He was alone. I knew that's why he took me. He didn't want to be lonely. That was at least a small part of it. Even when he had me, I knew he was still secluded from the rest of the world. Nobody wanted to be with him, and the only way he could have anybody was to physically take me. He was desperate and the thought of being like that was terrifying.
Emmett bringing up a girl like that…it scared me. Him saying that just confirmed for me that I should be thinking like that. It was expected of a teenager. But I didn't feel anything for Sarah. In fact, I hadn't even considered it. Picturing her now, I guess she was pretty. Boys probably were attracted to her. I just didn't really know what that was supposed to be like.
And admitting to him that I didn't know or hadn't thought about it was basically showing him what a freak I was. He probably thought it was really weird that I didn't like her.
Maybe it was just going to take time. I hadn't really been here that long, even though I felt like I had lived so much more than I had the whole time at James' house. Maybe someday, it would just come naturally. Or maybe it wouldn't. How would I ever know?
I needed to pay more attention, I guess. Maybe I was just being antisocial. If I paid attention to other people more, maybe I would notice more things. Maybe I would be okay if I just tried a little harder.
The water turning cold alerted me that I had been in the shower way too long. If I had done that with James, there would have been hell to pay. Not that I ever really had a chance to waste time in the shower like this.
I turned the water off, climbing out and drying myself off before dressing in pajamas. When I was laying in my bed, trying to sleep, I realized I had left my book downstairs. I wished I had it. I could study, take my mind off things.
It was funny how an hour ago, I had been so nervous about taking my test, and now I was nervous about something completely different. The test seemed like nothing now.
Originally I had wanted Emmett to come with me when I took it. I wanted him to be there, because as unexplainable as it sounded, he calmed me down and comforted me in a strange way that nobody else had been able to do. But now? Now it was going to be weird with him again. Maybe it would be better if he didn't come with me. Yeah, it would be less awkward and maybe I could pretend it didn't happen for a little while longer, but honestly? However awkward it would be, I wanted him to be there. He distracted me and seemed to be the only one who knew what I was thinking or what to do when I freaked out. If the test didn't go well, I knew I would want him there. It didn't matter that I had snapped at him. Thankfully, I knew he would tell me to forget about it and help me through this potentially disastrous day ahead.
With that comforting thought, I finally managed to fall asleep, hoping I could not make a fool out of myself come morning.