AN- Another long one for you. I'm going to be traveling the next two weeks, so I probably won't be able to update until I get back. I'm working on the next one though, and I thought about splitting this one in two but figured I'd keep it long to compensate for the lack of posting on spring break. I hope you guys like this one, I'm getting a little nervous. Big things are going to be happening in the next few chapters (shocking, I know). Let me know what you think :)
EPOV
Friday, December 31st
New Year's Eve. Never before had I given much thought to the holiday. It was just another day, another sign that time was passing me by while I was wasting away stuck in a small bedroom.
When I met with Dr. Garrison this afternoon, she pointed out that it was a good time for new beginnings. A new year was starting fresh, one that had endless possibilities. I understood how some people would see this as a good thing, but I saw a different positive side. Nothing bad had yet happened in the New Year, and in that sense, I was starting over. A blank slate on which I could try harder to make my life what I wanted, instead of what somebody else made it to be.
She tried to get me to make some New Year's resolutions. I tried to think of something good, but couldn't come up with anything specific. She said that was okay, I could think about it and that I didn't have to share them with her if I didn't want to.
Instead of directing the conversation like she usually does, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. My instincts had me close to spitting out my usual 'no' automatically. But maybe being more honest with myself was something I could work on as a resolution, and honestly? I was pretty bothered by something.
"I'm having trouble falling asleep."
It had been happening more and more frequently. At first I just thought it was because I wasn't tired, that I had taken a nap in the middle of the day and that's why my brain wouldn't shut off. But on Wednesday night, I had been exhausted from the day's activities. My eyes shut quickly, my brain not so much. I laid awake for hours, thinking about things both worrisome and unimportant. My mind just wondered aimlessly. When it happened the next night, I became extremely frustrated.
"How long has this been happening?" she asked, sounding concerned.
"A while. Not every night, but ever since I came here, every once in a while I just can't go to sleep. And the past couple days I've been up for hours before I finally can."
"Is there anything in particular you're thinking about when this happens?"
I shook my head. "No, I mean, sometimes I'm thinking about…you know. James." I said his name quickly and moved on, "But other times I'm not really thinking about anything. I try to fall asleep, really I do, but I just can't."
"Do you have trouble staying asleep?"
"Not usually. Sometimes I wake up from dreams and stuff but most of the time I can get right back to sleep."
She nodded, thinking.
"Honestly Edward, I'm not surprised. It's not uncommon to have difficulty falling asleep after traumatic events. Sometimes your body is on a sort of high alert and can't relax enough for your mind to shut off."
"But I never had this problem when I was actually there." It didn't make any sense.
"Well we've been going back over some of the things that happened there. Remembering these things can be just as bad as when they happened for real."
I didn't like that answer. I didn't want to think about reliving what happened to me. If it was going to be just as bad as the first time, why would I want to talk about it again?
"There are some things you can do to relax before bed. It might sound silly, but taking some deep breathes, trying to relax your muscles, or just visualizing being calm can help your mind slow down. Maybe try to take a hot shower or bath before heading to bed. Try drinking some tea, anything to make you sleepy. Try not to think about stuff that's too serious."
I nodded, knowing what she meant. Thinking about James was never a good way to get to sleep, I knew that. I had to get to the point where I could think about something simple or just let my mind wonder before I could get even close to sleep.
"You can try those things, as well as making sure there's no noise, you're comfortable in your bed, that type of stuff. But remember, I'm always willing to discuss with you the possibility of taking a sleep aid. It's important that you get adequate sleep. If you're unable to do so or it's too hard to do on your own, a little help would not be that unreasonable."
I didn't say anything. For the first time, I was actually considering that option. I just wanted to be able to turn my mind off, something that used to come so easily to me. It was exhausting having to think all the time.
Seeing that I wasn't refusing, she continued eagerly. "There are very mild medications that you can take. They won't make you feel funny during the day or anything, and if they do, we can always try something else until we get a good fit, just to make you relax enough to get to sleep."
It was the staying asleep part that worried me. I didn't want to be totally defenseless in the middle of the night.
"Why don't you think about it this weekend? Try the other techniques I told you, if those aren't working very well for you, we can talk to Esme and Carlisle about taking something, okay?"
I nodded, glad she was at least taking me seriously. I had been worried about telling her, afraid she would just tell me it was normal or I should try harder. But she thought it was a legitimate problem, which honestly made me feel a little better. Maybe it wasn't completely under my control. I wasn't just fucking something else up.
Later, around six, I was working on my piano in my bedroom. Carlisle had left for work earlier and I assumed Emmett and Alice would leave soon enough.
As always, I had headphones on. I didn't feel comfortable letting other people hear what I was doing on the piano. I wasn't at all confident in my skills yet and it was hard enough when Sarah was there. I had to be careful not to do something stupid when everyone was listening. But with headphones on, I could experiment and not feel judged.
That didn't stop me from hearing when Emmett knocked on my door. He called out my name as a way of letting me know who it was I suppose, and I was grateful for it. Otherwise I would have just thought it was Esme. This way I had time to prepare myself.
Instinctually, I ripped off my headphones and hopped up, ready to open the door and greet him that way but then I thought maybe it was better to just tell him to come in. That was probably more casual, something I was trying to work on when it came to Emmett. It wasn't that hard, at least compared to interactions with other people, but he was always so laid back about everything. I wanted to be that way.
I sat back down, trying to look natural. "Yeah?"
"Can I come in?" he checked.
Why else would I have answered that way?
"Sure," I said, thinking that sounded pretty normal.
The door opened slowly, as if he was unsure about it. Once he caught my eye, saw I was sitting at the piano looking at him expectantly, he seemed to be reassured. He came in the room with a smile and plopped down on the couch casually and like he belonged there.
"Hey. Practicin' your Mozart?"
"Uh…not really."
He laughed, sorta. The type of laugh were you just blow air out of your nose.
"Are you sure you don't want to go tonight? It's not too late."
"Yeah, I'm sure. I just want to stay here."
"Alright…maybe next year then."
I shrugged, doubting it.
"I didn't really want to witness all the Alice Jasper coupley stuff anyway." He sighed, sounding relieved.
"What do you mean? Aren't you still gonna go?" I didn't want him to feel obligated to entertain me. Just because I didn't want to go, I didn't want to ruin his night.
"Yeah, I don't think so. I mean, I would be glad to go if you wanted to, but I'd end up hanging with you and avoiding the rest of the group I think. I'm going to head over to another buddy's house. The football team always has a party."
"Oh." It was stupid of me to think that he didn't have any other plans. That his whole night revolved around me. Suddenly, I felt very inadequate. Sitting here, alone all night seemed even lamer than it did before. He didn't even want to go to the party I was invited to. He just offered out of pity. I apparently wasn't good enough for the real party, either that or Emmett would be too embarrassed to bring me. Not that I would have agreed to that one either.
I realized they might have made the whole party at Bella's house up. They probably didn't do it every year. They probably only said that to make it sound like I could actually fit in there. They probably created the whole thing in hopes that it would be tame enough for me to be able to handle. I was glad I refused.
Suddenly, I didn't want to look Emmett in the eye. I settled on turning back and looking at the keys of the piano.
"But hey, we should do something this weekend. It's my last glimpse of freedom. Maybe we could drive up to Port Angeles."
I just knew he was offering all of this out of pity now. Maybe all of the time we were spending together recently was just because he felt bad for me. Or because he had time off from school and was bored. Or both.
"Maybe." I muttered, trying not to sound too interested in the plans. But who was I kidding? He knew what I did all day, he knew I didn't have anything better to do.
"You okay?" he sounded concerned. I didn't look at him.
"Fine." The sudden anger I was feeling was irrational, and probably had more to do with being embarrassed than anything else.
"Are you sure? I mean, if you want me to, we could hang out here. Or we could go somewhere else."
"No. Go be with your friends." I was tempted to say real friends, but I stopped myself for self-preservation reasons. It still sounded rude.
"Why are you mad?" he sounded a little mad himself, at the very least confused.
"I'm not fucking mad." I stood up from my spot. Going into my closet, I grabbed new clothes. "Shut the door when you leave," I said angrily as I went into my bathroom, shutting that door and locking it.
For a second I froze. I couldn't believe I just did that. I didn't know what to think about the whole thing. Before I waited too long, I realized Emmett was probably waiting out there, listening to what I was doing. I didn't want it to be obvious I was so affected by this, so I started the shower, as if going about business as usual.
What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't know. I never showed emotion like that. I was never the one to get angry. I didn't have room to risk being angry. I had too much to lose if they were angry back. I usually stayed about as passive as I could get. But with Emmett? I guess I felt like I could be more honest but I wasn't sure that was completely accurate.
He was, or at least I thought he was, my only friend. I couldn't risk him being mad at me.
But I just felt so stupid about the whole thing. I guess I was being defensive. I didn't know if that was good or bad.
I heard Emmett shut my door. I got in the shower. I cleaned myself, a little roughly. I didn't know if I was still mad at Emmett or myself.
I didn't even need to shower. I did already this morning. But I didn't know what else to do. I had to get away from him and he was already in my room, so where else was I supposed to go?
When I went back to my room, I noticed several things. First, my keyboard, which I had left on in my haste to get out of there, was turned off. Emmett must have done it. He had also wound up my headphones, which I had left hanging from their plug in. I didn't know why he would have done such a thing.
I went over to it, pushing the seat in all the way. Then I unwound the headphones and redid it, putting them the way I liked it, unplugged and tightly wrapped, sitting on the edge of the shelf next to the keyboard. I felt a little better. I looked for anything else that was amiss, but came up empty. I ran my hands over the comforter again, smoothing out the already smooth surface.
I waited for another hour in my room. Esme told me she was making something for the two of us to have for dinner. I knew I should go down so she didn't think I was being rude. But I never heard Emmett leave, so I waited.
At 7:28 I decided I had to go down. He was probably gone. I had to risk it.
He wasn't gone. I heard him when I was at the top of the steps to the first floor. I did a quick look around, saw nobody was watching me, and turned back upstairs. I didn't want to talk to him.
I heard at least one car leave. I tried again at 7:43.
This time everyone was gone. Except Esme. I found her in the kitchen.
"I was wondering if you were going to come down."
Her back was to me as she pulled some heavenly creation out of the oven. Pizza. Homemade pizza, apparently.
"I thought I was going to have to eat this all by myself," she teased. She knew I loved pizza. But I had never had any besides take out, and I bet hers was better. She was a great cook.
"Sorry…I was practicing. I guess I didn't realize what time it was," I lied. It was a new thing, lying. Before, I never really had anything to lie about. I knew I shouldn't lie, but sometimes it just made things so much easier. It wasn't hurting anything.
"And how is it going? You still like it?" She talked to me while cutting up part of a loaf of garlic bread, which also smelled awesome.
"It's good, I think."
"Because remember what we said? If you don't like it, don't feel pressured to stick with it. You could always try something else."
"I don't want to quit," I told her honestly.
"Good. Music is so good for you."
She cut the pizza and while it cooled, asked me to grab some drinks. I got iced tea for both of us, something Esme insisted it try. It wasn't carbonated and she thought I would like it. I did.
She brought the food over to the table, I grabbed plates and napkins. I had worried that it might be a little awkward, just being the two of us here all night. I found just the opposite though. It was pretty nice just having her to talk to. Only one person to focus on. And Esme was so nice and understanding. She didn't care if I said something weird or if I took too long to think of a good answer. She just waited, encouraging me by asking more questions and adding her own thoughts. I felt like I could actually have a real conversation when I was with her.
The food was good, in fact a little too good. I think I burned the top of my mouth on the pizza. I just couldn't wait to eat it.
We made easy conversation while we ate. She asked me about a book I had gotten for Christmas which I had started to read. She told me about a new project she was starting to work on for a client in Seattle. She was curious if I had explored the music Emmett had put onto my new iPod. Told me that I should find some classical music on the internet I could add to it.
When all but two pieces of pizza and all of the bread was gone, we both sat at the table, completely stuffed and waiting until our stomachs felt better.
"You know, I got something in the mail for you the other day." She was grinning, so I didn't think it was bad, but I couldn't image what would have come for me.
"What is it?"
"The results of your placement test."
My stomach did a little flip. Not that I thought I had done badly, but I had pretty much forgotten about it. I didn't dare ask how I did. If it was bad, I didn't want to know.
"You did remarkably well."
"Really?"
She chuckled. "Really."
I let out a breath I had been holding. "Oh." I nodded. That was good.
"I just…I don't understand how you managed to learn all of that by yourself." The amazement in her voice wasn't something I expected to hear.
"I didn't. I had-"
"Your books, I know," she interrupted. "But still. You must have been very motivated to do all that work when you didn't have to."
I shrugged, admitting, "Just bored, I guess." That was part of it, the other part was that I knew it was what my parents would want.
"Well either way, its' amazing." I didn't know about that. "You're not exactly at any one grade level, which thankfully isn't a problem if we do all your work at home."
"What do you mean?" That didn't sound good.
"Well your math score was incredibly high. You're at or above a sufficient level to complete high school in that subject. If you wanted to, after another placement exam from the specific school, you could probably start with Calculus in college. Of course, in the meantime, if you'd like to continue to learn math, we could start a calculus course for you with the homeschooling. It's up to you." She smiled, but I was afraid of what else was coming.
"Okay..."
"They placed you at a senior level in reading and English and somewhere between a sophomore and junior level in science. All of that is a great starting point." She sounded legitimately pleased, but I wasn't so sure.
"But what level should I be at?" I was sixteen. Older than Alice but younger than Emmett. So was I supposed to be a sophomore or junior? If I was supposed to be at the same level as Emmett that meant that I was behind.
Esme shook her head, looking worried. "There isn't any level at which we expected you to be at. There isn't a rule book, you get to set the pace."
"But I'm sixteen. So if I went to high school, what level would that be?"
She looked hesitant, but continued anyway. "You have a summer birthday. A sixteen year could easily be in either tenth or eleventh grade. But you shouldn't compare yourself to them, your situation is totally different."
"Yeah. I know." I wish people would stop saying that.
She pursed her lips. "I'm sorry. I just meant that doing homeschooling, you don't have to work at the same pace as everyone else. It doesn't matter where you start. But don't worry, you're not behind at all. In fact, I think it would surprise most people knowing how well you've done for yourself."
I didn't know about that. What else did I have to do but study? Shouldn't I have mastered all the information I had? I was pretty sure I did. Maybe I'm just not good at taking tests….
Esme laughed again. "Honey, don't worry so much. I told you because I thought you would be happy. You've done wonderfully and you should be proud of yourself. I know Carlisle and I are."
Looking up at her hesitantly, I tried to gage if she was telling the truth or trying to make me feel better. I saw only honesty in her eyes, but it was hard for me to accept such a thing.
She must have seen my reluctance because she reached out, rubbing the top of my wrist. "We are very proud of you, Edward. You've done a great job." She patted my hand, continuing, "We can start next week if you want. I have the material for you to do a science and a history course, as well as a book list you could pick something off of. If you want." She shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal.
"I want to." I was anxious to start now. No matter what she said, I felt like I had lost time to make up for.
Chuckling, she said, "You could teach Emmett and Alice a few things. If only they were as eager for education as you are." Picking up her plate, she said, "Now let's get these dishes out of the way and then maybe we can watch a movie? We have a few hours until the ball drops, you know."
I had no idea what that meant, but by the end of the night, I had learned.
We didn't end up watching a movie. Instead, Esme convinced me to watch several episodes of one of her "guilty pleasures" as she called it. There was a marathon running and although I didn't see the first episode, Esme explained the basic idea behind the show and I was able to follow it alright. It was about a group of survivors of a plane crash on some remote island. It wasn't just any island though, it apparently had monsters and all kinds of crazy things on it. Esme had to keep explaining bits and pieces I was confused about, but I must admit, it caught my attention more than I thought it would.
She told me I could watch the whole series on the internet, if I was still interested.
"On second thought, maybe I shouldn't have told you that. It's such a time waster…" she had said after I wanted to start the third episode. I didn't mind. Sometimes I had time to waste, so I didn't see it as a bad thing.
When midnight rolled around, Esme insisted we watch some show, which was apparently happening in real time. She told me all about Times Square and the giant lighted ball that dropped as the countdown to midnight started.
As the camera fanned out over the massive crowd that was gathered there, I couldn't help but marvel at how big the world was. The announcer guy said there were a million people there. One million people. I had never even considered a million people all being in the same place at the same time. It was almost insane to think about. I guess I never really thought about how big the world was. I had just been shoved into one tiny slice of it. I had a bigger slice now, but still, in comparison to one million people, it was miniscule.
While the idea of being in a crowd like that, physically would probably send me into a catatonic state of panic, but figuratively made me feel better about myself. I wasn't such a freak. I mean, bad things had probably happened to other people in the crowd too. I felt like I could blend a little.
I guess it was all just perspective, but I liked the idea.
When the countdown started, Esme joined in and excitedly counted down from ten with the crowd, smiling when I wouldn't join her. It just felt silly.
"Happy New Year, Edward. I know this year will be amazing for you." She reached over and pulled me into a hug. She held on tightly, squeezing for way longer than I would usually allow. Finally, when she let go, she grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Making me follow her out the front door into the cold winter night, she pointed at the sky. They were small, but off in the distance, I could see brightly colored fireworks.
Esme finally let me go to bed after that. I was up later than usual, but somehow I couldn't quite fall asleep. I tried to take some deep, relaxing breathes like Dr. Garrison had told me, but it just felt kind of dumb.
Rolling over, I tried to get comfortable.
I closed my eyes, thinking it would help lull me to sleep. As soon as I did so, I wished I hadn't.
Immediately, images I hadn't thought about in ages drilled into my mind. It was overwhelming, the picture of colorful fireworks half cut off by my view from the window in my bedroom. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. The pull was irresistible. I couldn't do anything but let my mind go where it wanted, which happened to be James' house.
James was gone again. Christmas had been last week sometime and he had been out of the house all day. He got home after dark, delivering a red plastic plate covered in plastic wrap. The meal inside was the best thing I had eaten in a while, although it would have been better warmed up. Turkey and potatoes and vegetables, all piled on top of each other. Clearly homemade, and not by James. I wondered where he got it.
Tonight was different. He hadn't been gone all day, just since late afternoon, probably. He dropped off a chicken sandwich and brought me to the bathroom, gruffly telling me he wouldn't be back until late. When I asked why, he told me to mind my own business.
That was hours ago and I knew I should go to sleep. Worrying about where James was didn't do me any good. I tried to stop. I couldn't stop thinking that he was abandoning me. He was mad at me earlier. I shouldn't have asked questions.
It was the last day of the year, I guess he was staying out until midnight. Where did he go? What did he do? Would he come back drunk and angry or would he be tired and let me sleep? The question would probably keep me up all night long. At least until I knew he was in his bed across the hall.
It was getting late now. Probably close to midnight. I turned my light off. Even if he did come home tonight, I would hear him. I would have plenty of time. I shouldn't stay up all night waiting.
I couldn't sleep. I turned my light back on. I opened the top drawer to my dresser. James had done my laundry yesterday, so it was pretty full. Somehow, the shirts had gotten scrunched up. Maybe I slammed the drawer shut too fast. I took them all out. Refolded them. Rearranged them, then put them back the way they were originally. That's how I liked them.
Thinking about trying sleep again, I turned the light off, promising I wouldn't turn it back on tonight. Instead of crawling back in bed, I went to the window. On tiptoes, I looked out into the street.
It snowed the night before last. The slush was still thick on the streets, but it was a light brown color now. How long would it take to melt? How long until I could see the grass again?
Out of nowhere, a bang echoes through the sky. Jumping, I grabbed my chest, scared of what that noise might mean. Craning my neck, I looked towards the direction of the sound. I saw just the top of some red lights.
Fireworks.
Getting my chair quickly, I put it under the window, standing on it so I could have a better angle at the window.
The show didn't last long, just a few minutes at the most. Red, green, blue, white, and purple lights spread throughout the sky, the accompanying banging noise made me jump almost every time.
When it was over, I watched the sky for minutes afterwards, making sure I didn't miss anything. The excitement definitely meant that I wouldn't be sleeping any time soon. But that was okay.
Lying on my bed, I thought about the lights and the thunder that came afterwards. How many other people saw them? Did James see them? I didn't know how far away he was. I didn't know how far away the fireworks were, for that matter. It must be cold out, for whoever shot them off. Midnight in the snow was probably awful. I didn't remember any fireworks last year. Why would somebody start all of a sudden? Or maybe I was just asleep last year…. Maybe I would ask him tomorrow. Only if he was in a good mood. I'd have to wait and see.
I could hear the sound of the garage door going up. Suddenly I remembered that this had already happened to me. I was at the Cullen's, this was where I lived now. I couldn't quite tell if the garage door sound was from this house or James' house.
I wasn't sure when I had opened my eyes but they were wide and staring into the darkness. I had to force myself to blink. Having no idea what just happened, the fear in me was overwhelming. I didn't want to move, didn't want to make any sound for fear that my mind would be shoved back into the memory.
It was so real, so convincing. I remembered every detail like I was really there, experiencing it all over again. The whole night was something that didn't ever stand out before. I hadn't realized I even remembered it. But obviously I had, because as soon as the scene played through my mind, I knew it was real. I could remember everything, even what happened after. James wasn't angry or drunk, but he did come and visit me that night.
I was scared to get out from under the blankets, so I stayed where I was, tightly wrapped up and immobile. The energy it took to keep myself from crying was what finally did me in, miraculously and ironically lulling me to sleep.
It was like the nightmare just picked up where I left off. There was somebody knocking at my door. It startled me awake, but it wasn't right. James wouldn't knock. It only took me about three seconds to remember where I was but that didn't do much good seeing as how my current mental status was in question. How did I know what was real life and what thoughts my brain was coming up with on its own?
It was still dark, that much I knew. I was sitting upright, I was sweating, and my heart was pounding. Those were the things I was pretty sure of. What I was having the most trouble with was that I was pretty sure I heard Emmett outside my door. Actually, I was pretty sure he was like…whispering outside my door. I shook my head, trying to clear it.
"Edwaaaaard. Pssst. It's Emmett." Why would my brain make that up?
I looked at the clock on the DVD player, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. It was almost three in the morning.
"It's me. I want to talk to you. Edward. Pleeease." What was wrong with him? He sounded weird. And his attempt at whispering was pretty pathetic. It was basically his normal volume.
Trying to figure out what to do, I threw the covers off of myself.
"Emmett?" I asked, not sure if he would be able to hear me but feeling like I had to take some type of action. I didn't know what else to do. I was confused.
In no way had I meant to invite him into my room, but apparently he took the one word I said for an offer to come on in. He opened the door completely and abruptly, letting in extreme amounts of light from the hall. I jumped out of bed on instinct, getting away from the door. My eyes had to adjust and all I could see was his shape coming at me, falling at me, actually. He was kind of laughing in a weird, under his breath sort of way and he was stumbling all over the place. I smelled it on him as soon as he got any closer to me.
"Edward," he repeated for the third time. "I'm so glad to see you, I can't even tell you how much I wanted you to be there tonight. I mean…really. You should have come. We could have had so. Much. Fun." He was rambling, but more importantly, he had basically collapsed on the end of my bed.
For about five seconds, I was frozen in place, trying to comprehend what was in front of me. But then the whiff of alcohol caught up with me and I bolted. My instincts, whether natural or a result of James' drunken nights, told me to get away from Emmett. They told me that people with too much alcohol in their system couldn't control what they did or said and as much as I trusted Emmett regularly, he wasn't the same person and therefore was a danger. I was in the bathroom before he realized I had moved. I slammed and locked the door, not giving him a chance to catch up.
"Edward. No. Don't…do that. Why do you keep doing that? Why are you so mad? God, I don't want you to fucking be mad."
I tried to calm my breathing down enough to hear through the door.
"All I wanted to do was talk to you. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I don't get any of it. Why? It doesn't make any sense." He wasn't making any sense at all, but that was to be expected, I think.
I heard him coming closer now, in fact he was really close. After a groan, I heard him slide down the wall right outside the door.
"It's like a sick fucking joke, you know? Everything about you and me. Makes me wanna-"
"Emmett!" I jumped at the new voice. Carlisle was there, and I hadn't heard him coming. "Get out, now!"
I heard a bit of a struggle and I imagined Carlisle lifting Emmett to his feet. Without much cooperation from Emmett, that would probably not be so easy.
"I'm not fucking doing anything!" he complained. They were both getting further away, probably in the hall by now.
I heard Esme making a commotion, asking what was going on. I didn't hear Carlisle's response, but imagined she would be in here soon enough. Carlisle loudly told Emmett to get downstairs and stay there.
What surprised me was when I heard footsteps coming back into my room, they weren't Esme's quick and light ones, but Carlisle's heavier ones, shuffling on the carpet over to the bathroom door. I could hear more angry words being exchanged downstairs somewhere, but it was too far to make out what they were.
Carlisle remained silent for a minute. I could imagine him running his hands through his hair and pinching the bridge of his nose. I heard a long, drawn out sign. Then a deep breath.
"Edward?" he said very calmly. Despite his anger just a minute ago, it was clear that was none of it was directed at me.
During the commotion I had sat down on the edge of the tub, hugging my stomach in an attempt to remain calm. I didn't move at his words. It wasn't that I felt I needed to keep hiding in here, I just didn't know what to do now.
"Edward, I'm sorry. My son is a drunken idiot. Please don't let his stupidity ruin your night." He sounded so heartfelt and sincere, yet his words brought a smile to my face. Why it was funny, I couldn't exactly tell you, but I wanted to laugh.
"I promise you he will never do that again. I'll make sure he's never out of the house past dark again if that's what it takes. Just…please can you talk to me?"
The thought of Emmett never leaving the house at night again was absurd, of course, but the fact that Carlisle offered meant a lot to me. He obviously was upset that I was upset, but the thing was I really wasn't that upset. Emmett had just taken me by surprise is all. His words had confused me, but other than that, I was surprisingly okay.
I didn't want to give Carlisle a hard time. He worked late tonight and surely was tired. He deserved a break.
"Say something, please?" he begged.
I did him one better. I stood up, went to the door and opened it. Carlisle was leaning with one hand flat against the wall next to the bathroom door, his head bent down in either concentration or exhaustion. Or both. His face shot up to mine when he heard the door opening, obviously shocked I had surrendered so quickly.
He was wearing long pajama pants and a white t-shirt. It looked weird on him. I was so used to seeing him in dress pants and a shirt and tie.
"What…are you alright?"
"I'm fine." In fact, I was still smiling a little at what he said. It was just so unlike him.
It was his turn to shake his head, like he didn't understand what just happened.
"You sure?" I nodded. He did too and then stepped back so I could come back into my room. I did so, edging back around over to my bed.
"What happened? He just came barging in here at three in the morning?" He sounded pissed. I was glad I wasn't on the other end of it.
I just shrugged, not wanting to get him in trouble.
"You did well to slam the door. You could have yelled down for help though, Emmett had no right to do that." I didn't even mean to slam the door, but I guess that's what woke them up.
"It's okay. I would have been fine I just….I don't like people drinking very much, I guess. I just felt…better in there." It sounded stupid out loud. It made more sense in my head.
Carlisle nodded, looking at me closely. "I get it."
I didn't know how he would, but I nodded in agreement.
"You think you can go back to sleep?"
I nodded, hoping I was telling the truth.
He ran his hand thought his hair, pulling a little as he turned for the door.
"Well, I'll be downstairs, instilling the fear of god into the other one if you need me. Here's to the rest of your night being better than mine."
I chuckled. He was funny tonight. Maybe it was just because I hadn't had much sleep. He turned back to look at me again by the door, seemingly please that I was amused.
"You sure you're alright?"
"I'm sure."
"Alright. Happy New Year, Edward. Light off?"
I nodded and he was gone, leaving me in the dark.
I couldn't sleep, wondering what was going on downstairs. He was obviously in a lot of trouble, but I wondered if it was because he had come in my room or because he was drinking or both. How had he gotten home? I hoped he didn't drive himself like that.
I thought about how I had felt about him just a few hours before. I was angry, but why? Maybe it was just because I felt left behind, like he didn't care about me. Maybe I was jealous of his life, full of friends and people other than me.
But now, I wasn't so mad at him. Why? Nothing had changed, he still had left me here and had fun with other friends I didn't know. But maybe he hadn't had so much fun. He said he wanted me to be there. He was thinking about me while he was with them. I smiled involuntarily, feeling much better about myself. I shouldn't, because he was in trouble. But I did.
I guess I was jealous of other people spending time with him, which turned out to be useless because he didn't even want to be with them. What it meant, I had absolutely no idea. But I did know that he had a power over me that was dangerous. In a few hours he had messed with my emotions so much, and without even trying. I should be scared of him, but I wasn't. Somehow, he was different and I didn't seem to be able to want to stay away from him.
Sunday, January 2nd
Emmett was grounded. Esme told me as soon as she saw me on Saturday. She assured me he wasn't going to be doing anything but studying until his exams were over, at least. I didn't see him all day, apparently he was to stay in his room and study.
I tried to tell Esme that I wasn't upset by the whole thing. I was fine, and there was no reason to force Emmett to stay away from me, which was obviously what they were trying to do. She didn't say it, but she definitely didn't believe me.
They did their best, but this afternoon I found him. I came down to find some lunch and there he was, sitting on the couch. He had his feet on the coffee table, slouched down with book leaned against his jean clad knees. I could have snuck by, but I didn't want to. I got a closer look, he was reading from a text book. It looked like chemistry.
I came around to the front of it, put my hands in the big pocket of my hoodie, and plopped down next to him.
Neither said anything for a moment. He closed his book. Sighed.
"Dude…"
I turned my head to look at him. I slouched down on the couch more so I was at his eye level. He looked…sad.
"I don't…I…um," he sputtered, looking very guilty.
"I'm not mad," I told him. Obviously Carlisle and Esme, and probably Emmett too, thought I should be mad. To be honest, I wasn't sure why I wasn't. But looking at him, all sad and nervous, how could I be?
"I'm sorry," he told me quietly.
"It's alright." I shrugged.
"No, it's fucking not. I knew better than that and I scared you and that's the last thing I wanted to do." He was rambling a little, obviously panicked.
"I wasn't really scared. You just…caught me off guard. I was confused for a second is all." I wish I hadn't run into the bathroom. I made a bigger deal about all this than I had to.
"God, I'm such a fucking idiot…" he rolled his eyes, looking at the ceiling.
"For drinking?" I asked, curious to see if that was why he was so upset. Had he never done that before?
"No, I've been drunk before. I mean, I've been to those parties a lot, during football season and stuff. I know not to come back here when I'm like that. I usually stayed over at friend's houses and stuff. I just, I had to come home."
"Why?"
"I don't know… I mean, all I remember is just really wanting to talk to you."
"About what? You didn't make much sense, whatever you were saying."
He sighed, shaking his head again.
"I don't know….it was so stupid." He thought for a minute before asking, "You're really not mad at me?"
Looking back at his face, I tried to make him believe me. "I'm not mad."
"What about before? Before the party, I mean. You were mad at me then too."
I bit my lip, thinking about that one. "Yeah, but I was just in a bad mood. Sorry."
He laughed through his nose again. "You're apologizing to me?"
"I don't know…I guess so."
"Well, you don't need to. If you're still going to talk to me and aren't pissed, that's all I can ask for I guess. Just know I didn't mean to freak you out."
"I know."
We were silent for a few minutes, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I was glad to see and talk to him again. I felt better knowing that things could go back to normal.
"So what are you studying?" I asked, curious about his school work.
He held up the book, "The wonderful field of chemistry, of course. What other past time could be more fascinating?"
I smiled. "You have a test?"
"Yup. Friday. And apparently I won't be doing anything, ever again, so I guess it's a good time to learn this shit."
"Sorry they're so mad…I told them it wasn't a big deal."
"Well, thanks for that, but I don't think they care. Apparently I pissed them off more than you. They know I drink sometimes. As long as I'm safe about it and don't do it all the time, they don't care so much. They always said they would rather I be honest with them than try and hide it. You're just their little lion cub that needs protecting now," he joked, nudging my shoulder with his elbow. "That's the only reason they're mad."
"Great," I said sarcastically.
He chuckled. "It could be worse. At least you're still allowed out of the house."
"Well, that's an ironic twist, isn't it?"
He froze, obviously not expecting that one. But he never thought before talking. If he was going to say stuff like that, he had to be ready for my reaction.
"Shit, man."
I shrugged, "It's true."
"Yeah, but you can't just spring that stuff on me like that."
"Why does it bother you so much if it's true? There's nothing you can do about now."
"I don't know. It's just hard to hear stuff like that. I forget sometimes."
It was actually nice to know that someone saw past the kidnap victim that I was and wanted to spend time with me for me.
"Well you told me I could talk to you…" Maybe he didn't mean it.
"Yeah, and you can. Maybe I need a warning though," he was teasing, I could tell, but his mock seriousness required an answer.
"Alright, maybe I'll get a sign, or a flag or something. Then you'll be ready for whatever I could possibly come up with."
"That's perfect. It'll be the 'brace yourself, fucked up shit coming your way' flag."
"I think this could work," I nodded.
"I agree. I'm happy we worked this out."
My smile that I'd been holding in came out then, so fucking happy that I could talk about this stuff without wanting to throw up. And even happier that Emmett seemed to be able to take it.
"Emmett, are you studying?" Esme's stern voice came from atop the stairs.
He held the book up as evidence. "Yes, Mom. Edward is distracting me. Maybe you should ground him."
"No, but I do think I'll make him some lunch. Come on dear, let him do his work. He's in trouble, you know."
She ushered me out of the living room and sat me at the table while she made me a sandwich.
Monday, January 3rd
I laid awake while listening to Emmett get ready for school. His alarm went off. Three times. I heard thumping which I assumed was him rolling out of bed before heading to his shower.
I thought about what my life would be like if I was like him. I would be doing much the same, getting up early and getting dressed, packing my bag and getting a quick breakfast before heading off to high school.
Instead I stayed where I was, listening to the rest of the house prepare for the day from my dark room. Instead, I would be starting homeschooling, sitting in my room and doing the reading and worksheets Esme had gotten in the mail.
I knew I wasn't prepared for something like high school. I accepted that I didn't even want to be ready for that. But that didn't mean I had to like it.
After my own shower and breakfast, although at a slower pace, I did just that. Esme set everything up at my desk and we went over some basic stuff like which chapters we were starting with, which books we would be using today, which books I could do on my own time, that type of thing.
Even though she didn't want me to, I insisted to Esme that I could do it on my own. She didn't need to spend her whole day with me. I could at least read and take notes. She definitely didn't need to be doing the same work with me, that seemed ridiculous.
She hesitantly agreed, settling on checking with me every once in a while and making sure I didn't have any questions.
It was nice to work on this type of stuff again. The new text books, the empty notebooks, the pens and pencils, it all made me almost giddy to have it all in front of me.
Although I enjoyed the few hours I had to study before Esme insisted it was enough for one day, it wasn't the distraction it used to be. I thought about Emmett all day, wondering what he was doing in regular school, wondering what he was going to do when he got home, if he was still in trouble, and most painfully, wondering if he had thought about me at all.
I was starting to realize that it wasn't normal how much I thought about him. It was something other than just a regular friendship, I was pretty sure. Everything I had read and watched on TV indicated that I should think about other people. I shouldn't be jealous of him having other friends. Maybe it was just because I didn't know anybody else, but I was starting to worry about my attachment to him. The fact that everything I did around him I was conscious of, and I paid way more attention to him than I did Alice or anyone else that was in the room. It wasn't normal. I didn't know what to do about it.
When he did get home, I found myself wondering down the stairs to see what he was doing. Not surprisingly, I found him in the kitchen. Alice wasn't with him and for some reason I found myself relieved.
"Hey."
"Oh, hey." He glanced over his shoulder when I greeted him. He was digging through the fridge, finally coming out with a soda for himself and a can of tea for me. My face reddened a little at the thought of him taking notice of what I liked to drink.
"How was school?" I asked him.
"Oh, just peachy. I fucking hate getting up early. You're lucky Esme lets you sleep in."
I shrugged. "I guess so."
"Did you start your school stuff? I saw the package she got with your books it in. Doesn't look like much fun either."
"Yeah, I started. It's not so bad."
He nodded, grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry.
"What's it like?" I asked, hoping it wasn't a really weird question.
"What's what like?"
"School." I didn't make eye contact with him, worried he would be looking at me like I was crazy. The fact that it came out of my mouth was evidence enough that I was starting to trust him. He could have laughed in my face. I was pretty sure he wouldn't.
"You remember school, don't you?"
"Third grade isn't high school…."
"True. But everything works the same way. The kids are just taller and the homework is harder. The maturity level is about the same. Probably isn't as fun…but the basic principles are the same."
I wanted to ask more question, but my interrogation was cut short by the doorbell. We both knew it was Dr. Garrison, but neither of us moved to get it.
There was really nothing that could make me feel more inadequate than my therapist knocking at the door mid-conversation with Emmett. I held back a groan, rolling my eyes instead.
"You could sneak out the back," he suggested. The idea was tempting…. I smiled, appreciating the gesture.
"You, uh…want me to get it?" he asked, obviously confused why I wasn't greeting her myself.
Sighing, I shook my head, standing up and heading to the front door.
The first thing she did once we were settled was ask me how I'd been sleeping.
"Same as before. I tried to do what you said but it didn't help."
She looked dissatisfied. "The first thing you need to understand is that insomnia is, more likely than not, a symptom of the anxiety you have been experiencing. I understand that it can be extremely frustrating, but it could be something that will be ongoing while you continue to deal with the stress of this situation. In the meantime, it's not healthy for you not to be getting adequate sleep, so we need to find a way to deal with it."
I nodded, agreeing but scared as to where she was taking this.
"Are you having dreams?"
I considered this for a moment. I had already decided I didn't want to tell her about the weird vision thing I had the other night. I was just going to hope it was a fluke. I didn't want her to freak out or tell Esme or Carlisle. They'd be worried and ask questions I didn't want to answer. It wasn't really a dream, anyway.
"Not really. I mean, I have dreams, but it's not about James or anything bad, at least lately they haven't been." I had been dreaming about Emmett every once in a while, and a lot of times I had dreams I couldn't recall once I woke up. I figured if they were about something bad, I would have remembered.
She nodded. "I ask because sometimes people are under the impression that sleeping pills and the like will stop you from dreaming. Most of the time that's not the case. If you're trying to avoid nightmares, you should tell me but this isn't the way to deal with it."
"I'm not having nightmares," I insisted, hoping she wouldn't press the subject.
"Okay. I need to ask you something else then."
I braced myself, knowing it couldn't be anything good.
"You've been resistant to taking medications before. You downright refused when Carlisle tried to give you medication for your concussion. Why do you think you were so hesitant?"
Thinking back, I regretted telling them about the pills James made me take. When the police questioned me in the Cullen's living room, I told them about how he had drugged me to get me into the car. At the time, I was just trying to defend why I was so easily taken. Now I wished I hadn't said it so I didn't have to talk about it. But she already knew, so there was no point in pretending.
"James made me take them."
She nodded, not surprised. "And you didn't want anyone else taking advantage of you like that?"
"I guess."
"You're giving up some control when you take medicine. You're letting it manipulate your body, but if you use it appropriately and in the right circumstance, they can be helpful, don't you think?"
I nodded in agreement. They few times I had taken the anxiety pills Carlisle gave me, it was helpful. I just didn't want to take them all the time. I didn't think I needed them all the time
"So you would be okay with taking something to help you sleep?"
Thinking about lying in bed all night, not being able to sleep and having thought after thought roll through my mind was so frustrating I knew the answer immediately. I wanted to be able to turn it off like I used to, but there was too much going through my head lately. Bad thoughts seemed to be shoving their way in and I couldn't sleep until I had gone over it in my head, no matter how much I didn't want to.
"I want to try it. I don't know if I'll like it, but…I get all nervous and stuff when I'm just lying there. I can't stop thinking and it drives me crazy. I just want to sleep for a while."
When we were done for the day, she insisted that she speak with Carlisle and Esme before she left. I opted to let her explain the situation for me and basically hid in my room until Esme came up and insisted I come down.
The scene in the living room was…tense. I felt like I was being watched and analyzed. Surely they would be disappointed that I didn't come to them for help. I had to get my therapist to tell them I needed something. It was just uncomfortable for me to ask for stuff like this. But I really wanted to sleep.
It was awkward, but they tried to make it as painless as possible. Carlisle explained that he wasn't comfortable with me taking a strong sleeping pill, and Dr. Garrison agreed. He did think taking an anxiety pill every evening before bed would be a good start. They all seemed to think that would do the trick, and if after a few weeks I still couldn't get to sleep, they would 'reevaluate.' I sounded like a science experiment. I tried to just suck it up and deal with it until it was over, seeing as how I started it in the first place.
After Dr. Garrison had closed the front door behind herself and I thought I was free to go, I headed for the stairs, only to be stopped by Carlisle.
"Edward?" He waited until I turned to look at him before continuing, "I just wanted to tell you that it's okay that you didn't come to us first. We're not upset, as long as you told somebody, you did a good job."
"Okay." I looked at my feet. I honestly hadn't considered bothering them with this. It was just easier to tell Dr. Garrison because she had to talk to me all the time anyway. She wanted to know my problems, and it seemed more natural to mention it to her.
"But you can talk to us about anything, anytime. You know that, right? You don't have to suffer by yourself with things like this, just let us know and we can work on it."
"Okay."
"Dinner will be in a few hours," Esme told me, obviously knowing I wanted to get out of there.
That night, after dinner, a few chapters of reading a novel off the reading list Esme gave me, and finally a hot shower, I was thinking about heading to bed.
Opening the cabinet where the little orange bottle had rested since I experimented with the pills the last time, I grabbed the container, reading the label. It had my name on it, and Dr. Garrison's name, and the name of some pharmacy I had never heard of. It had a warning on it that said not to take more than 6 pills in 24 hours. I hoped I would never be so bad that I would need to be cautious of that warning.
Did I really want to start this? After struggling to open the stubborn lid, I dumped one little white pill out of the palm of my hand. I was a little afraid that if I got used to taking these, I wouldn't be able to sleep without them.
But I wanted it to work. I just wanted something to turn my mind off. I was so tired of not being able to. And I had asked for help, this is what they gave me. They told me to do this, so I had to now, didn't I?
I threw it in my mouth, turning on the faucet and cupping water in my hand before swallowing it with the pill.
Doing anything not to start thinking about what the chemicals were doing to me, I grabbed the laptop. I got under the covers, trying to get comfy. I went to the website Esme showed me where I could watch Lost, the show she got me hooked on the other night. Clicking though, I found what episode I was on and pressed play. It was easier to focus on the show, but I wasn't feeling very sleepy yet. I knew I was supposed to be relaxing and trying to sleep, but I would freak out if I had nothing to do with my mind right now.
A few minutes after I settled down, there was a knock on the door and I knew who it was before she came in. I paused the show.
"Yeah?"
She peeked her head in, staying mostly in the hall.
"How are you doing?"
I found it a little weird talking to her from my position under the covers. "I'm good."
"Did you take your pill?" she said, trying to sound casual but obviously a little worried.
I got a funny feeling in my stomach. Like helplessness or something. I didn't like that she asked.
"Yeah."
"And you're feeling okay? Ready for bed?"
"I'm not really tired yet, but yeah."
"Okay, don't want too much TV. Come down and let us know if you can't sleep."
"Okay." No way would I do that.
"Goodnight, honey."
She left me alone. When the episode ended, I closed the computer, taking her advice.
I checked the clock. Stared at the ceiling. Slowly but surely I felt myself growing drowsy. I focused on that, feeling my limbs grow weaker and my mind start to go fuzzy.
Tuesday, January 4th
I never got to check the clock again, so I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep. But it wasn't long. Or at least it didn't feel as long as usual. When I tried to think of the last thing I remembered, I really couldn't do it.
I woke up around nine, which was later than usual, but not too late. The fact that I didn't wake up to hear Emmett leave this morning was a bit of a concern, but maybe I was just really tired from the night before.
When Esme asked how I felt, the same feeling of weakness took over me and I tried to brush her off.
She insisted we talk about it. "You can tell me if you didn't like it, you don't have to keep taking them. We just need to make a good decision for you."
Frustrated, I told her, "I don't know yet." I just wanted to be left alone to make this decision. I didn't like having to tell them everything about my whole thought process. I was dealing with it.
"But you still want to try them?"
"Yes." Obviously. Before she could keep questioning me, I took my bowl of cereal to the sink, quickly rinsed it and went to leave the kitchen. "I'm going to start." I was definitely ready for a little distraction and reading some American History would probably do it for me.
"Do you need any help?" she asked, a little too eagerly.
"No." I felt bad instantly. It came out way too harshly. "Thanks," I added quietly before heading up the stairs for my room.
When I heard Emmett arrive home, I turned off my keyboard and headed downstairs, recognizing the new pattern emerging in my day. I just wanted to talk to him, was all. Nothing wrong with that.
He was eating again, this time an entire sandwich. There was already a tea set out on the counter for me. I sat on the bar stool, watching him eat.
"You don't have a meeting thing today, do you?" he asked between bites.
"Nope."
"Do you want to go somewhere with me? It won't take too long."
"I thought you were grounded."
"Yeah, but its school related."
I scrunched my eyebrows, wondering why he wanted me to come to a school related anything when I didn't go to his school. Was I even allowed?
Seeing my hesitation, he continued. "I just forgot a book is all. I need it to study. I'm just gonna run back to school and get it out of my locker. No big deal."
"Oh." Thinking about his offer, I thought I knew what he was doing. Why would he all of a sudden forget a book he needed? And why would he want me to come on such an errand. I was thinking he maybe was trying to show me his school, because I had asked him about it yesterday. Even if that wasn't his intent, it sounded like a good idea to me. I was curious, and surely there wouldn't be many people there after school. It was as good a time as any.
"Yeah, okay."
"Cool, I'll go let Esme know."
The school was big. I had seen it before, just in passing, but sitting here in the parking lot looking up at it, it seemed very intimidating. Most of parking lot was empty. I didn't see many people either, just a few that looked to be running in a grassy area to the side. I guess it was some type of sport's practice, but I didn't know what it would be.
"You ready?" Emmett asked me, not moving until I nodded.
The big hallways, the locker lined walls, the tiled floors, the open classroom door, it all was like something out of a dream. I remembered it all, of course, but actually stepping into such as place again was very strange. My stomach was doing little flips. I was nervous and felt like I shouldn't be here.
Emmett didn't say anything, just lead me through the halls to his locker. I stopped next to him while he turned the lock, staying close but turned around, looking at everything. The clock high on the wall, the posters for musical auditions, all of it seemed so normal yet so unreachable.
"That's my English class." Emmett pointed to my left, at an open door. I could see that the light was off but plenty of sun was still streaming in from the windows. "You can go in, if you want. Nobody's in there."
My suspicions were now confirmed. He wanted to better answer my question from the day before. I nodded, accepting the invitation and slowly making my way towards the door.
The room felt familiar. The desks all lined up facing the front where a chalk board and teachers desk were the focal point. Stacks of papers and a computer sat on the big desk, waiting for grading or handing back no doubt. There were verb charts and a student code of conduct poster hanging on the wall. Books sat on shelves on the edges of the room.
Emmett snuck up behind me, making me jump when he asked, "Is it everything you dreamed?" in a fake, whimsical voice.
I smiled a little but couldn't laugh at his joke. I tried to picture Emmett sitting in one of these desks, taking notes from the board. It was hard to imagine.
"Where do you sit?" I asked.
"Ah, well usually I'm shit out of luck because my last name is a 'C' and most teachers alphabetize the seating charts. I hate sitting in the front. But Mr. Ross teaches this class and he thinks he's clever because he reverse alphabetizes. That means I get the best seat in the house," he explained, putting his hand on the back of a desk's chair closest to the door.
Imagining myself sitting in his seat, doing homework or taking tests, I felt panic rising in my stomach. Too many other desks were around, too many people, too many questions, too many expectations. I wouldn't have the first clue about how to do school.
"What do you think?" Emmett sounded hopeful, why, I didn't know.
"It makes me a little nauseous," I replied truthfully. Why I felt I could be so honest with him, I would never know, but it made him laugh so I guess it was a good thing.
"Yeah, I think school has that effect on lots of people."
Just then, a man with a cart full of what looked like cleaning supplies stuck his head in the room.
"Are you two supposed to be in here?" he said in a ruff voice.
"We're leaving now, Mr. Philips. Just came back to get a book." Emmett held up the text book as evidence.
"Well get going, I'm trying to mop."
Fearing that we were in a lot of trouble, I looked to Emmett, wanting him to move faster. Clearly I wasn't supposed to be here and I should get moving before I caused any more trouble.
"Ready?" he asked when the older man had pushed his cart on down the hall.
I nodded, eager to get out of here. I walked a lot faster than I had on the way in and Emmett noticed.
"Hey, slow down. We're not in trouble or anything," Emmett laughed as he grabbed my sleeve to slow me down.
"But he was kinda mad, I don't think I should be in here. I'm not even a student."
"He's just a grumpy old man, don't worry about it. Want to see the football field?"
"No, let's just go." I was tense now, anxious to be back in the car.
When we were finally seated back in the jeep, Emmett made no move to start the car.
"Sorry if that was a bad idea. It's just, you said you wanted to know what it was like. I just wanted to show you it wasn't that big of a deal. It's just school." Actually, it was a huge deal. School was never just school, not to me.
"You ever think about going back to a real school?"
"No."
"Why not? You could come with me, I'm sure we could work it out so most of your classes were with me or Alice. Once you got used to it, it wouldn't be so bad."
How could I ever explain to Emmett that I would never be able to do that? It just wasn't a good idea. Not only did I not want to, there was no point and Dr. Garrison already basically told me no without even asking.
"I just…I don't want to."
"Why?"
"It's too many people."
"You'd get used to them."
He had told me to trust him, showed me that he trusted me, and now it was my turn to be honest with him. It didn't scare me nearly as much as it should. "I don't know if I would. Besides, they would all talk about me and I could never stay…calm, you know? I'd be freaking out. Not really beneficial to the learning process."
"Yeah, they probably would for a while, but they would get over it. I think you could do it."
"It's not just that. I mean, think about it, I can't even eat breakfast in public without nearly having a panic attack, there's no way I'd be able to do this every day for what? Like six or seven hours? There's no way." I was rambling, something I never did. The words just kept coming and I couldn't or didn't want to stop them.
"Dude, calm down."
"But I should be able to do this, your mother shouldn't have to teach me stuff I should be able to learn like a regular person. It's ridiculous if you think about it."
"It's not ridiculous. You don't have to do anything. High school sucks, man I don't blame you at all for avoiding it."
"You just told me it didn't suck."
"Well, it does. I just want you to come to school with me. I honestly do think you would like it eventually. But kids are mean and there's bullshit homework and it's stressful."
"You think it's stressful?" I asked, doubting that Emmett was every really stressed out.
"Fuck yeah, man. I mean, everyone is judging you and teenagers are already like programmed to worry about shit like that. Plus now it's even worse…" He trailed off at the end, sounding the most vulnerable I had ever heard him sound. I was confused, not understanding what Emmett would have to worry about. I mean, he had friends, he was athletic, and he was good at basically everything.
"What do you mean? You're life is like perfect."
"No, it's definitely not. Maybe it was, but I'm…fucking confused now and I don't know what to do. Hiding shit is getting way too hard and lying to everyone isn't going to work forever." He was rambling now, and he really did seem freaked out. In a way it was kind of a relief, to see him be the one panicking instead of me, but I also didn't like seeing him so unhappy.
"What would you have to hide?" I was hesitant, not sure if I really wanted to know. But he was always offering to help me, maybe it was my turn to listen to him.
He shook his head, not making eye contact.
"I can't tell you."
My first reaction was to agree, I didn't deserve to know something so important. He should tell somebody else. But then, Emmett did seem unsure, maybe he should tell me. I didn't know anybody, whatever it was, he was obviously freaked out about people knowing. I would never tell anybody.
"Tell me what?" I pressed.
He took a shaky breath. Didn't look at me. Fiddled with his keys.
"Do you…do you promise not to say anything? To anybody?"
"Yeah, I promise."
"Because literally nobody knows. I don't want to tell anybody, but it's getting exhausting, holding it all in and pretending. It hasn't even been that long since I figured it out. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of high school like this."
"Okay," I insisted, curious and scared at the same time. It sounded bad. When he didn't continue, I asked, "Did you do something?" Maybe he was going to be in trouble if somebody found out, that's why he didn't want to tell.
"No, I didn't do anything. That's kinda the problem. I want to do something."
I waited now. If he wanted to tell me, he would get there on his own. I knew from personal experience that people pressuring you to say something only made you want to say it less.
Taking a final deep breath, he spoke. The words that came out of his mouth were mostly confusing, but also shocking, and a little scary all at the same time. I had never been at such a loss for words.
"Edward?"
"Yeah?"
"Edward, I'm gay."