The Secret of Truth Chapter 21, a twilight fanfic

EmPOV

On Monday, when Edward asked me what school was like, it made my insides turn. I knew he hadn't been since he was eight, so I understood why he asked. But what got me was the…longing in his voice when he brought it up. He was trying to sound casual, I could tell. And I didn't know if it was a desire to actually go to school, or to just know what it was like, or if it was a longing to just have something normal, but it was there and I knew he wanted it, which made me just ache. I had always assumed that he didn't want to go to school. I mean, if I had the choice, I don't think I would either. But for him, school would be hard. Like, ten times the amount of work anyone else had to put in and that fact was that he didn't need to. He could have it so much easier at home with Mom. I thought he knew that. I assumed he was happy for it.

All that night I had been thinking about if I should do what I had planned or not. I looked around myself during school, trying to block out the students and just see the frame of what high school was. I tried to focus on what he would physically see, the building, the lockers, the desks, the books. Could he handle seeing all of that? I thought so. But that's not what he was asking about. He would have to image everything else. Was it worth it?

Finally, I decided that yes, it was. When I got home from school, I basically tricked him into running back with me so he could see what he had been missing for the last half of his life.

I didn't know what I wanted. On the one hand I wanted him to see that it might not be so bad. Maybe if he really wanted to, he could come back to school here on his own. He could have a year or two of normal. I would get to help him through it all and it would be amazing to see him doing something like this. But on the other hand, I saw that vision for what it really was. Unlikely, stressful, and terrifying for someone like Edward. So then I wanted to change his mind the other way, convince him that it was all shitty and nobody liked it here.

I never quite made up my mind and when Edward was standing there, staring at my English classroom, I hoped that he could get some type of mixture of both, something close to the truth.

Edward basically bolting out of the building told me which side he ended up listening to. He was scared, and I couldn't really blame him. Hopefully I had at least satisfied his curiosity a little bit.

It was the least I could do after the friendship he had shown me.

New Year's Eve had been one of the biggest disasters of my life. I went to that party with people I didn't even really like, knowing I wasn't doing it to have a good time. I was doing it to avoid both Rosalie and Edward. Rosalie for obvious reasons, Edward because I was scared. I was freaked out about where my mind was constantly going with him and I was terrified of how I was going to deal with it. I had only been living with the secret of how I felt about him for a little while and it was already breaking me down.

When I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, it was because of him. So it was like I gained and lost something all at the same time. Now I was trying to figure out how I could be me, but felt like I was skipping a step. If I wasn't going to tell anyone I was gay, and I couldn't be with Edward in any way, then I wasn't really being myself and I might as well have kept lying to Rose. It would have been so much easier even if I felt bad about it. I felt fucking lost now, just bopping in between the old me and the new me. I didn't know where the hell I was supposed to go from here and I didn't know how long I could last like this. All the way to college? That seemed impossible.

I thought about telling someone. Alice and my parents were out, it would just be too weird and I wasn't at all ready to take that chance. I was about nighty percent sure they would still love me, but I couldn't really know until I did it and that was a huge fucking chance to take. I had no idea what I would say afterwards and I just wasn't prepared. Even if they were totally okay with it, there was no way they could ever treat me exactly the same as before they knew.

Telling a guy friend was completely insane, as soon as I considered it I realized how stupid that would be. Telling someone like Jake would probably freak him the fuck out. He would probably never want to talk to me again, or worse would tell someone like Bella, who would tell everyone else. Plus, he would most likely have nothing to say that would make me feel any better.

Rosalie briefly crossed my mind. But there was the original problem of making her feel like if was somehow her fault I was like this or weirded out that she had been with me for so long. She would only be more upset. I couldn't do that.

So basically, I was stuck like this. Feeling alone and fucking confused about what to do with my life. I went to that party, thinking I could just feel normal for a night. I did my best, having a few beers with my friends and being carefree for a few hours.

Unfortunately, it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut about how ridiculous I thought their high school drama was. Who was taking to who and who was going to break up and who got cheated on, I just didn't care. It was hard for me to sit there and pretend that I did. All I kept thinking about was Edward, what he was doing, how his night was, and how I should have spent it with him. I wanted him to be there with me, most of all. He would understand the ridiculousness and I could actually talk to him about something that mattered to us.

By the end of the night, I had a few too many and spent basically all of my energy trying not to blab about my feelings for Edward to the dude who had offered me a ride home.

The rest of the night was bizarre. I remembered and was aware of everything, but it was all too easy to convince myself to burst into Edward's room, trying to talk to him, and then to yell at my parents, even though I knew I shouldn't do any of those things. It wasa over before I could get a grip on the situation and as I sobered up, I wanted to bang my head against a wall until my sanity came back.

I feared the worst, thinking I had ruined everything with Edward. He was probably terrified of me now. He would want me to stay away from him forever and my parents made it clear I was to do just that.

The grounding they gave me was nothing to the mental punishment I gave myself. I was severely depressed and wallowing in the horrific future I had brought upon myself for all of a day and a half. Just enough time for Edward to save me.

When he plopped down on the couch next to me, I thought I was seeing things. When he swore he wasn't mad at me, I thought it was a miracle.

I was so relieved afterwards, I wasn't even upset about being grounded or the extra supervision my parents were giving me in preparation for finals.

I was shocked that I hadn't upset him by bursting in on him in the middle of the night. Given his past, I could only imagine that such a thing would scare the shit out of him or remind him of some type of horrific memory. That was the absolutely last thing I ever wanted to do. I wasn't sure if I believed him when he promised I didn't.

If he wasn't lying, that must be some sign that he trusted me, right? I really hoped so.

Once the two of us were safely back in my car, Edward started freaking out a little. I tried to calm him down before he was past the point of no return.

Basically, I was backtracking as fast as I could, trying to convince him that everybody was stressed out by high school. It didn't take long before I let too much slip.

He insisted my life was perfect. I couldn't let him continue to think that when it was so far from the truth.

"No, it's definitely not. Maybe it was, but I'm…fucking confused now and I don't know what to do. Hiding shit is getting way too hard and lying to everyone isn't going to work forever."

"What would you have to hide?"

I couldn't explain, even though I wanted to so badly.

"I can't tell you."

"Tell me what?" he asked.

I felt sick. Like I was on the edge and this was the second I either manned up and took the step off or turned and ran away. I wanted to know what the step off would feel like. Because being stuck up here fucking sucked and I didn't want to hide anymore. I was scared of what it would feel like if I stayed hidden for a really long time. I didn't want to know what that was like, and this might be my only shot out.

"Do you…do you promise not to say anything? To anybody?"

"Yeah, I promise." He said it easily, like it wasn't a problem at all.

"Because literally nobody knows. I don't want to tell anybody, but it's getting exhausting, holding it all in and pretending. It hasn't even been that long since I figured it out. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of high school like this." The nerves were making me babble. Or maybe I was procrastinating. Probably both.

"Okay," he sounded confused. "Did you do something?"

I almost laughed. If only it was that simple. If I was failing a class or hit somebody's car, it would be so easy. It seemed like trying to keep the fact that I liked guys a secret was worst thing I would ever have to do.

"No, I didn't do anything. That's kinda the problem. I want to do something." That's what was scary. How long could I go before I told Edward that I liked him? Or even before it became too obvious to others watching.

Maybe if I told him part of it, I would be okay for a while. It would be such a relief, maybe I wouldn't even need to ever tell him that he was what made me realize I was like this. If I could just have one person that understood, it would be so much better. I would be okay.

I took a deep breathe, rushing through it before I could change my mind or think all the consequences through.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Edward, I'm gay."

Silence. The whole fucking world was silent and frozen for several seconds. I knew I wasn't breathing and I didn't even think my pulse was continuing to beat regularly.

My panic increased with each passing second. I shouldn't have told him. It would scare him. It would be awkward for him every time he was around me. I ruined everything, again. Why couldn't I just leave it alone?

I was about three seconds from throwing up when he spoke.

"Oh."

I blinked rapidly, trying to figure that out.

"Oh?" I asked, having no idea how to process the fact that I just told him the most important secret of my life and all he gives me is a single emotionless syllable. My eyes finally broke the stare they had previously had with the steering wheel as I tried to get some type of read on him, anything that would clue me in on what the hell I was supposed to do now.

"Um…I mean, I…." he looked surprisingly calm, yet at a loss for words. I could understand that. I tried to give him a minute to process it all, but it was really fucking hard to sit and wait for his final judgment of me. I wanted to defend myself. I forced my mouth to stay shut.

"Okay." The single word he finally came up with wasn't much better than the first, as far as information went, but sometimes he needed some prying.

"What do you mean okay? Okay what?"

His mouth opened and closed a few times as he reached for something to say. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

In a moment of weakness, I threw all my patience out the window and demanded an answer from him.

"Are you bothered by me liking guys?" That was about as tame as I could put it.

He hadn't looked at me once since I had said the word 'gay' and I really wanted him to. He didn't. And he didn't answer right away again, which was seriously hard to take.

"It doesn't bother me." He answered after several minutes and the fact that he took so long could mean one of two things. The first was that he really was freaked out by it and he didn't want to cause a scene, so he took a few seconds to figure out how to lie about it so I would believe him. The second was much more preferable, that he was simply surprised by my admission and needed a few seconds to process, now that he had, he was honestly okay with the idea. I didn't know if I was just being paranoid, but both of the options seemed equally likely.

"Are you sure?"

He swallowed and cleared his throat before finally, finally looking at me.

"I'm sure." He looked confused as fuck and a little bit freaked out, but I'm sure I did too.

"We can still, you know, be friends?" I felt like a twelve year old girl asking him that, but I needed to know.

I thought I saw the tips of his ears turn red at my question. He looked away before nodding.

Neither one of us said anything. We just sat, thinking.

The feeling of complete relief I had been hoping for didn't exactly come. If it was possible, I felt even more confused.

I had no idea what he was thinking about, but when I glanced back at him, his eyebrows were scrunched as if in deep thought. If he really was freaked out, he was doing a pretty good job of hiding it. I didn't think he was that good of a liar. Maybe he just needed time to process.

"I'll drive you home," I mumbled, realizing that we were still sitting in the empty lot. Mom would be wondering where we were. Also, if Edward was bothered by what I said, he didn't have any way to get away from me right now. It wasn't really fair of me to drop something like that on him while he was basically a prisoner in my car.

We didn't speak the whole way home. When we climbed out of the car, he didn't look at me until we were right in front of the door.

Hesitantly, he asked, "We're still okay, right?"

The relief I had been waiting for came all at once then. He still wanted us to be okay. That was about as much as I could ask for. I didn't need a big speech from him, telling me he accepted me for who I was and was glad I trusted him or any of that. I knew I completely sprung this on him. He had probably never considered this possibility and he was way more surprised than I was. The fact that he hadn't gone running from me was huge and the quiet, subtle acceptance he just gave me was enough to make me smile, genuinely happy.

"We're okay."

"Because I don't know what I'm supposed to say to this kind of thing but it really doesn't matter to me and I hope you don't think I was being like…rude or anything I just…I wasn't expecting that, you know?"

I smiled again, happy that he was finally giving me something to work with.

"I get it. Sorry I sprung it on you like that."

"No, I mean, it's okay. I'm glad you told me, I think. Do you…do you feel better?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'm not really sure yet. I think so. Maybe. Just different." It hadn't really sunk in yet that somebody knew, not to mention Edward. I couldn't really believe I had done it.

He nodded. I nodded. We stood there awkwardly for a second before Esme opened the door, making us both jump.

"I thought I heard someone out here. What took you so long? You're supposed to be grounded, Emmett," she said sternly.

"I am, I just went back for a book, like I said."

"I don't see any books."

I looked around like an idiot, like the book would magically jump out of my car and fly onto the step by my feet.

"Oh, sorry. I left it in the car." I turned to go get it.

"It must not have been that important if you forgot it twice..."

Hoping she wouldn't read too much into my actions today, I got my book as fast as I could and followed her and Edward inside the house. As we went about business as usual, me doing some homework, Edward reading something for school, Mom doing work on her laptop, I started to feel better and better.

I had told someone. The world hadn't ended. In fact, Edward seemed thoroughly indifferent about the whole thing. It was about as honest and unbiased opinion as I could get and the fact that no hateful or judgmental words came from him just made me want him that much more.

EPOV

Tuesday, January 4th

Emmett said he was…gay. I knew what the word meant, but somehow my brain wasn't processing the concept.

Logically, I had no example of a gay relationship in my past, so it made sense that I didn't get it. But I did get it, I mean, I knew what it meant, I just had never thought about that possibility before. It hadn't occurred to me that Emmett could be like that.

It didn't make a lot of sense. He dated Rosalie, from what I understood, pretty seriously. Why would he date a girl if he liked guys?

Why was he telling me this?

What did it mean, for him? For us? Would he be different around me? Should I be different around him?

I had literally no idea. I had nobody to ask either, because he made me promise not to tell anyone. Not that I would really want to tell someone anyway. But I was fucking confused and I didn't know what to do about it.

I didn't say much in the car, not at all sure what was expected of me. I wish I had time to prepare for this, plan out what I was going to say or something. It was obviously a big deal for Emmett and I hoped I hadn't ruined it.

When we got back to the house, I was slowly realizing that it was way too awkward. Neither of us had said anything for a while and that was unusual. I didn't want anything to be different about us and I would make sure it wasn't, as much as I could control at least.

"We're still okay, right?" I asked nervously.

The smile on his face told me I had finally said the right thing.

"We're okay."

He kept smiling and I felt better and better.

"I get it. Sorry I sprung it on you like that." He was the last person I thought should be sorry here.

Esme interrupted our conversation shortly after and we went inside, pretending that everything was normal.

And it was. Sorta. In fact, I almost forgot about what Emmett had told me.

When we were all sitting around the dinner table eating the pot roast Esme made, I watched him. I wanted to see if anything was different. If what he had told me was going to change things, he would surely act differently, right? If he was a different person, he would do something to show me.

He did nothing.

He was his usual, loud, slightly annoying self and while I was oddly relieved, I also almost wished he had done something bizarre. That way I could at least have something that I could recognize that went with what he told me earlier. It was confusing without anything to pair with what he told me. It was like it didn't happen, but I knew it did. I just didn't know what to make of the whole thing. Or even if I should make anything of it.

After dinner, Esme excused Emmett and Alice so they could keep studying for their tests which apparently started soon. That left myself and Carlisle to help her with clearing the table and the dishes. It was something I did often at James' house but she rarely let me do here. I found the busy work oddly comforting.

When we were done and the kitchen was back to its usual spotless self, I turned to leave.

"Edward? Can I speak with you for a moment before you head up?"

Stopping dead in my tracks, I scolded myself for not seeing this coming. They got me alone like this on purpose and I didn't even realize what they were doing.

"About what?" I didn't turn around to look at him, hopefully doing something to convince him to make whatever it was quick because I wanted to go.

"Can we sit?"

Sighing, I turned back to the table and sat on the edge of my usual seat, leaving my chair far enough back that I would have no trouble getting out quickly.

Carlisle followed suit, sitting in his usual seat across from me and folding his hands on top of the table. Esme stayed where she was, leaning against the counter. This conversation was apparently just for me and Carlisle.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek nervously, wondering what I had done or what this formal talk could possibly be about.

"You're not in trouble or anything, relax," he said with a smile in his voice, as if it was silly for me to be tense. I didn't relax and I didn't look at him.

I stared at his crossed fingers, which were clenching and unclenching over and over. He was uncomfortable too. That was interesting.

"Anyway, so I have some things to share with you, and I hope you're not upset with the way Esme and I have chosen to handle this situation. You should know that we are only trying to look out for your best interests."

Having no idea where he was going with this, my eyebrows scrunched in confusion. He didn't continue, and it had peeked my interest.

"What things?"

"Well, mainly things having to do with the case."

"Oh." I wasn't sure I wanted to know anything about the legal stuff surrounding James. "I'm not testifying." He didn't need to waste his time trying to convince me of that, if that's what this was all about.

"I understand. I'm not going to try and change your mind."

Good.

He sighed, as if frustrated, then ran his hands over his face like he was regrouping.

When he continued again, he sounded tired. Like he didn't want to have this conversation either.

"I get a call from one of the detectives handling James's case in Seattle about once a week. They update me on the progress of the investigation and subsequently, the trial."

A wave of confusion mixed with a little bit of panic washed over me. Investigation? Trial? I didn't want to deal with any of it and I thought I had made that clear. The fact that Carlisle was getting regular progress reports about it made me feel horrible. It made me feel like a burden. Nobody wanted to deal with that stuff and he obviously felt he had to, because of me.

"Some information has been coming in for the past few weeks that is…important, at least Esme and I feel it is. We understand that this is stressful for you and that is partially why I field the information first. It's important to us that you are allowed to be a teenager, and hearing this type of information regularly doesn't make that very easy."

As much as I wanted to tell him that I didn't need his information to make being a teenager hard, that it was near impossible with what I already knew, I bit my tongue.

"That being said, we feel like there is enough known at this point to fill in some gaps for you and answer most of the questions you might have about it. We won't be able to answer everything, but we think there's enough to make a good start of it."

My stomach was fluttering uncontrollably, I felt sick, and I'm pretty sure if I unclenched my fist, they would be shaking.

"And what exactly do you think I would ever want to ask questions about?" Last I checked, they wanted to ask me questions. Why all of a sudden did they think they had anything I wanted to know about? I was there, I lived it. I knew what happened.

Calmly, he answered, "Information about James. His past, his-"

"Why the fuck would I want to know anything else about him?" I cut him off, it was rude, but I didn't want to hear anything he could tell me.

He paused for a moment, obviously surprised at my outburst. His hands were held up in a sort of defensive gesture before he continued.

"You have every right to know what I've been told. If you have ever had any unanswered questions or if things didn't quite make sense, this investigation might be able to answer some of it for you. You don't have to hear it from me, or from anyone for that matter, but we feel that it's important you know the information is out there, in case you want it."

"I don't." I really needed to get out of this room. I was feeling trapped and hot and confused, and I just wanted to be by myself. "I just…" I didn't know. I jumped to my feet, frustrated and overwhelmed. Passing Esme and not looking at her, I basically ran towards the doorway.

"Edward, wait, please," Carlisle said.

I stopped, for some reason unable to disobey him right then. I stayed facing the doorway, my freedom, and couldn't bring myself to look back at the people who were just trying to help.

"I'm sorry I sprung this on you. I would like to share what I learned from the detectives with Dr. Garrison. If you're not comfortable talking to us, you can go to her."

I hated the thought of more people knowing the dirty secrets of my life before the Cullens. Even someone who was apparently sworn to secrecy.

"I'd appreciate your permission to do that," he added.

He didn't need my permission. We both knew that. He was trying to be considerate, yet it felt a little condescending.

"Whatever." Anything to get out of that kitchen, and away from James.

Wednesday, January 5th

One restless night and some English homework later, I was sitting across from Dr. Garrison, regretting allowing Carlisle to tell her anything.

In an ironic sort of way, I was kind of glad both Emmett and Carlisle chose yesterday to tell me their news. I mean, if they had spread it out, I would have spent multiple days constantly thinking about both. This way, I at least could share my brain space with both, so I only thought about each half as much. It might have been more confusing this way, but it was sort of nice when one got too overwhelming to actually be able to focus on something else.

I assumed Dr. Garrison would at least bring up whatever Carlisle had told her, but in the first five minutes, she only asked me how my schoolwork was going and how I'd been sleeping, stuff like that. I could sense that this was a slow build up. I braced myself for what I knew would come.

"I wanted to tell you that Carlisle did bring me up to speed on the investigation information. I agree with the way he's been handling it. When you're ready to hear it, one of us will be ready and willing to tell you."

When I was ready. Not if. When. They all just assumed I wanted this information. It was hard knowing if I did or not. Forget about all the little details I'm sure they had, I wasn't even going to let them tell me what it was about, if I could help it. How would I know if knowing would make me feel better or not? It was best to keep it like this.

Instead of trying to explain this to her, I let it rest and psyched myself up to ask her another question. One that related to both topics I spent all night contemplating. It wasn't surprising that the two had crossed paths.

I had to constantly remind myself that Dr. Garrison was sworn to secrecy, that she was there to help me, and she wouldn't judge me. She told me all the time I could ask her anything that crossed my mind.

"I don't want to know what the police told him. I don't care what it is. But can I ask you another question about him?"

"Of course." She folded her hands on her lap and leaned back in her chair, as if patiently waiting for me to speak.

I second guessed myself for the hundredth time probably, but she was a psychiatrist, right? She would know all the terms and stuff, and she would understand James probably better than I did, at least the technical side of everything.

"Is he…like, would you call him gay?"

I knew my face was red. I was pointedly staring at my jean covered knee, but I was still happy I had forced it out. Not that it really had anything to do with Emmett, but his confession had made me think. I hadn't ever really considered putting a label on what James was, but maybe there was one? I just wanted to make sense of it a little bit.

She only took about two seconds to answer, her tone confident. "No, I don't think James is gay."

"But, like, what is the difference?" If he wasn't gay, why did he want to do all that stuff to me?

This time, she hesitated. Just for a second.

"Being gay means someone is attracted to another person of the same sex. James was not attracted to another man. He took you when you were a small child. The two are very different things." After a breath, she spoke cautiously and a little hesitantly, which wasn't like her. "Have you ever heard the term pedophile?"

I regretted bringing this up basically immediately, but it was too late now. I nodded. "The nurses at the hospital called him that."

She sounded shocked when she asked, "They said that to you?"

Shaking my head, I clarified. "They thought I was asleep. I heard them talking."

"Such a disgusting old pedophile. Just imagine what this boy has been through at the hands of that crazy man, it's a wonder he made it out alive."

"How are these creeps just out walking the streets? Our own kids are at risk here, it just makes me sick."

I remembered they had whispered it, but I could hear loud and clear. I was scared and they were making it worse. I was afraid that everyone would know what he had done to me. I didn't want anyone to know.

Dr. Garrison made a disturbed, irritated huff before moving on.

"A pedophile is a person who is attracted to children, females or males. Sometimes men who are drawn to boys also have a wife or girlfriend. It's a different matter altogether. Gay relationships can be perfectly healthy and loving, while nothing about an adult seeking out a child is healthy. Do you understand the difference?"

I nodded, embarrassed and a little sick to my stomach.

"Why is he like that? I mean why him and not other people?"

"There are many people in the world who think like him, to different degrees, although not all choose to act on their feelings like he did. Technically pedophilia is a metal disorder. Nobody will ever completely understand his motives, but it's probably a combination of some mental predispositions and possibly events in his past that drove him to act how he did."

I nodded again, not looking up. I had no idea what I was supposed to be feeling about all of this. I mean, I always thought he was crazy, that something was wrong with him. It wasn't normal behavior, even as an eight year old I knew that. But now that it had a name and was a mental disorder, if felt weird. Like he had an excuse for what he did.

"Can I ask you something now?"

I shrugged.

"Did you ever notice him changing how he acted as you got older? Maybe when your voice started to change or you started growing facial hair?"

At first I didn't know what she meant. How was I supposed to tell why he was acting weird? How did I know what made him mad from one day to the next? But then I realized what she was talking about.

"Yeah. He was really mad. He made me shave or…or he would do it. It always annoyed him." Annoyed was a bit of an understatement, actually. If there was anything at all on my face, he could barely look at me until it was gone.

"Do you think that might have been because you were growing up? You were getting bigger and more mature and he wanted you to stay as a child."

Sometimes I became so frustrated with him. He would be angry with me for things that were so far beyond my control, I never knew what to do to fix it. How was that fair? I did the best I could to keep him happy with me. He never saw that.

"Edward, this is a big step, and it's just one step in the process of you healing, but it is important that you have an understanding of why he acted the way he did. That may take time, especially for you to come to some type of peace with the reality of his actions. But what is much more important is that you realize what really matters is what you can control. His actions are over and done with. You don't need to dwell on his motives forever."

I couldn't imagine a time where I wouldn't think about what he did, what made him do it, or why he did it to me. She might think it wasn't important, but it was the only thing that really made a difference in my life, up until when I ran away. I had been so helpless. His actions were what ran my whole life. How could I not dwell on them? I hoped someday, somehow I would be able to find out.

After saying goodbye to Dr. Garrison for the day, I did some more school work, mostly reading from a book list Esme gave me. I knew Emmett was home and I hadn't seen him yet today. I was a little afraid to go find him, worried that things would be weird. The more I thought about it though, the more I decided that by me avoiding him, I was actually the one making it weird.

I went downstairs to see if he was around, but I couldn't find him. I sat by myself and watched some TV for a while before setting the table for Esme and chatting with her a little before dinner. When Emmett did finally emerge from upstairs, he claimed he'd been studying all afternoon. I wasn't sure if I believed him. Maybe I was paranoid.

Carlisle wasn't home from work yet, so it was just the four of us. Alice had tests starting tomorrow, Emmett had two on Friday, then some next week. The whole finals thing suddenly made me feel not so jealous about them going to school. All that stress all in one week would probably kill me.

After dinner, Emmett snuck away to the living room. I followed, finding him flipping through channels with the volume turned down low. I plopped down next to him, trying to gauge the situation before anything was said. I couldn't decide if I should be uncomfortable or not. I mean, I thought it would be, but as far as I could tell, everything was the same.

"Emmett?" Esme asked in a tone clearly warning him of her disapproval.

"Mom, come on. I've been studying all day. I just need a little break."

"Fine, but I don't want you up late."

He promised and Esme left us again. Emmett looked at me pointedly, as if to say, can you believe her?

I grinned, finding their relationship kind of cute. It still stung a little, but it was getting easier to see the parents interacting with their kids and not think about the lack of relationship I had with mine automatically. Most of the time, I forgot they weren't actually related. The only thing I could tell that was different than a regular relationship was the fact that Emmett called them Esme and Carlisle sometimes.

"Why do you call her Esme sometimes and not Mom?" I wasn't sure if I was overstepping my boundaries with such a personal question, but somehow it felt okay. Emmett was obviously comfortable telling me things, I guess it was okay to ask. I was curious, Alice always called them Mom and Dad. What was different?

Emmett grinned a little, thinking.

"I don't know, really. I guess it just comes naturally. She is my Mom, really, but it's not like I don't remember my birth Mom. When I first came here, it was weird for me. They said I could call them either one, but I always said Esme and Carlisle. It took years for me to say Mom. It just slipped out one day. She doesn't care which one I say. She knows I think of her as a Mom."

It was too late for me, I knew that. I could never think of her as replacement for my Mom. I doubt she expected me to.

"Alice, on the other hand, she said Mom on day one, I think." He laughed a little at that, grinning at the memory. "She doesn't really remember her other parents that well though, so I guess it was comforting to her."

"She doesn't?"

"No, they were in a car accident. She lost a good chuck of her memory. Esme and Carlisle acted like a Mom and Dad, so that's what they were. It was simple for her." He shrugged, as if it really was that simple. I would give everything to be able to start over like that

"Why did they adopt you?" I asked, before realizing how mean that sounded. "I mean, why didn't they have their own kids?" It seemed weird to me that they wouldn't want their own. They were young and had a big house and nice jobs, why wouldn't they want to start their own family?

"Esme can't have kids," Emmett replied. After glancing at the door to the kitchen, he continued in a softer voice, "She got pregnant right after they were married. The baby died and they told her it wasn't safe to try again. She never talks about it, but I always figured it was too hard to see babies, that's why they adopted older kids." He shrugged again, like it was old news.

"It sounds wrong, but it was lucky for us, how it happened. There's a ton of older kids that never get adopted, they stay in the system forever because everybody wants a baby of their own."

I guess how I avoided that wasn't so lucky. It did make me more grateful for the home I was in now. I was still hesitant to believe that I was completely safe, but for the most part, I knew nobody here would hurt me. When I was inside this big, warm house, the only person left to harm me was myself, equipped with the memories James forced upon me.

"Can I ask you something now?" Emmett asked hesitantly, still speaking softly.

"Yeah."

"You didn't tell anyone what I told you, right?" He sounded scared and vulnerable again.

"I didn't say anything."

He nodded, looking down and saying, "Good."

"Who would I tell anyway?" I almost laughed at his concern. It was so unnecessary. "You're the only person I talk to."

A grin spread across his face at that. "I don't know…I just kind of freaked out after I told you. I hadn't planned that and I don't think I was really ready. I'm definitely not ready for anyone else to know."

Thinking about other people having secrets, having things they were scared for others to know, because they might be judged or treated differently, was weirdly comforting for me. It seemed the more I got to know Emmett, the more he was like me. The more problems seemed to be universal, the less I felt like the world had dumped all the bad stuff on me. It still didn't seem like it was equally spread in the slightest, but maybe it wasn't completely focused on screwing me over.

Thursday, January 6th

I had a bad dream that night. Like a really bad dream. Not that it was unusual for me to dream about James, but it wasn't usually so…vivid. I could hear his voice ringing in my ears when I woke up. I was shaking, I could remember his smell and the feel of him.

I hated it.

My brain was so random. Sometimes, I would think about James all day, and nothing. Not a single subconscious thought about him in my sleep. But whatever made today's talking about him different, it sure did the trick.

It was almost six when I woke up, sweaty and freaked out. So instead of trying to get back to sleep, I got up and took a shower. After getting dressed, I went downstairs, figuring there was still time before everyone else came down for breakfast.

I was wrong, of course.

Emmett was already downstairs, but he wasn't dressed or ready for school. He was eating a bowl of cereal and he didn't look surprised at all when I poured myself a bowl and joined him, sitting across from him at the table.

"You're up early," I noted. Emmett usually slept until the last possible second.

He smirked in a humorless way, keeping his eyes on his bowl.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep."

Something in the way he said it made me nervous. I didn't respond. We were silent for another minute or so before he confirmed my worst fears.

"Are you alright?"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"I…I heard you." He was hesitant, almost whispering.

I froze for a few seconds, wracking my brain, trying to remember making any noise in my sleep. A few times I had done that at James's house, and I had learned my lesson. I didn't think I did that anymore.

"Heard what?" My voice was hard and defensive and probably the closest thing to angry Emmett had ever heard from me. The surprised look on his face said enough. But I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself for being so weak. I shouldn't even have these fucking dreams, now he knew about them.

He looked a little scared, and completely unsure of what to do or say next. I felt a little guilty.

"Sorry," I muttered, taking it back. It wasn't his fault. I was just embarrassed. "What did I say?" I asked as calmly as I could. So many bad scenarios went through my mind. The best of which included just moaning or the like, the worst of which included crying or talking to myself like a crazy person.

He pushed some cereal around his bowl. Neither one of us were eating now.

Shrugging, he admitted, "Nothing really. I couldn't hear what you were saying." Relief shot through me. I could have said something…bad. And very revealing. "But it didn't exactly sound like you were having a good time."

I snorted in half amused, half exasperated disbelief. "I wonder why. I don't exactly have a lot of nice dreams."

"Yeah. I guess not." He looked….sad. It was stupid for him to be upset about it. I wanted him to be normal.

"I'm fine," I repeated, forcing myself to keep eating like it was true.

"Ok," he answered, like he believed me.

He got ready for school after that. I hid in my room and pretended like I was asleep for a few hours so I didn't have to talk to Esme.

I had a piano lesson today, and afterwards I went for a jog down the driveway. I had done it a few more times without Emmett. I found that it was actually a nice way to clear my head. The fresh air was nice. I took another long shower when I got back. I did my best to stay relaxed and in a good mood, to hopefully ward off the nightmares tonight. Dr. Garrison was right. Just because I was falling asleep a little better did not mean the dreams stopped. It was frustrating. But now I had extra reason to want to be rid of them. If Emmett was acknowledging them, I needed to do something about it.

I tried to act as casually as possible around him that evening. Esme made some type of fish for dinner. Everyone was home for once, and I did my best to participate in some of the dinner small talk. I probably only said a few words, but it was a few words more than usual. It was progress.

I suspected that Alice and Emmett were trying to stall before returning to their studying. Carlisle told us some stories from work and Alice gave about every detail she could remember from her algebra test today. It was quite some time after everyone had finished eating that Esme got up and started clearing the table. Carlisle got up with her and carried the big serving bowl to the counter.

"Edward?"

I looked up, surprised by who was talking to me.

Alice was never exactly shy around me, but she rarely made a huge effort to make me talk to her, which I was grateful for and I had a suspicion she knew that. But right now, she had a weird grin on her face that told me she had something planned for me.

"Y-yeah?"

Instead of answering, she stood up. Walked around behind me. Rolled her eyes when I turned my neck to follow her movements. She reached out towards my head and I flinched out of the way a bit, confused.

"Oh, just relax," she said, a tad exasperated. "I was just thinking that maybe you need a little haircut." She reached out again and ignored my flinch, twirling the ends of my long hair in her fingers. "And I know you don't want to go anywhere but I could totally do it for you."

"I, uh, I don't know. It's fine."

"Oh, come on. I'll do it in my bathroom. It'll take ten minutes. I cut my hair all the time. It'll be fun."

"Alice…if Edward said no, don't pester him," Esme warned her.

For some reason her warning bothered me. She just had to jump right in there and come to my rescue. I get that she's only trying to be nice, but it was a little insulting. I could fend off Alice by myself after all.

"What do you say, Edward?" Alice asked, ignoring Esme.

I glanced at Emmett, who had an eyebrow raised in interest or confusion, I wasn't sure.

"Sure. Thanks."

At that, the other eyebrow raised up, clearly in surprise this time.

"Great! Let's go."

I started to get up from my chair and immediately Emmett did the same.

"This I gotta see."

"No, no, no, Edward will be okay without you for a few minutes, chill out. Besides, don't you have some studying to do or something?" Alice teased him. I wasn't at all sure what to read into all of her words but something was off there for sure.

I followed her up to the room I had only ever glanced in. The bathroom was just as I suspected, pink and full of bottles of who knows what lining the counter. It smelled like flowers or something equally girly and it was a tad overwhelming.

Alice dragged a stool in from her bedroom and instructed me to sit. I did. Then she draped a towel over my shoulders and dug through a drawer for scissors.

"Not too short?" she asked. I nodded, a little afraid of the tiny girl coming at my head with a comb and a sharp instrument. I tried to hold really still and logically tell myself she wasn't going to do anything.

She was quiet for the first few moments, only the sounds of the snip in my ear.

"I just wanted to get out of schoolwork. But I don't mind doing this either, you know?"

"Yeah I figured. But thanks," I added awkwardly. I saw her smile and nod barely in the mirror.

"I know you like to hang out with Emmett more, and that's good, but we can do stuff too, you know? If you ever want to talk to me or whatever."

"Oh…okay." It was getting a little strange now, but she had me pretty well locked in here with the towel and the scissors and all.

"He's probably been brainwashing you about me, huh? He's mad about Jasper."

"No, I mean, not really. At least, he doesn't tell me that anyway…"

She chuckled a little and kept snipping. "He's mad. Trust me. But that's okay. Jasper's worth it."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't.

"That probably sounds so lame. Just something a stupid teenage girl would say. But it's true."

"Yeah?" I asked, just for something to say.

"Yeah. It's like, I've liked him forever, but now that we see each other a lot, I just get it now. Whenever I have a bad day or something, he makes me feel better, you know? And I just miss being around him, all the time. I think about what he's doing all day long. It's completely creepy." She laughed at herself. "Don't you think?"

"No…it's nice, I think."

She hmmed and kept snipping. She was unusually silent for the short minutes it took for her to finish. Then she combed it out and mushed it around with her fingers.

"What do you think?"

It was short but not too short. I still looked like myself.

After I thanked her and helped her clean up, I escaped as soon as possible. After I took my pill and while I waited for sleep to come that night, I thought about her words.

I wasn't sure why it didn't bother me that I completely understood what she was saying. I understood it because I knew someone just like that. I thought about him all the fucking time and I felt better when I was around him. And it scared me completely but at the same time, I was so hopeful and desperate for it to exist. Even if it was completely insane and wrong. I had never admitted it to myself before, but whatever the hell was going on between me and Emmett, I just really needed it to exist.