Thursday, January 6th
An unfamiliar beep beep accompanied by a rattle coming from my nightstand made me look up from the textbook page I was reading. Confused, I unfolded myself from my desk chair where I had been sitting comfortably and made my way over to where my cell phone was sitting.
I had only used it a few times, but since they had made a point of giving it to me, I at least kept it charged up and on, just in case. Most of the time it just sat plugged in on the table.
Flipping it open, I saw a message telling me there was an unread text from Emmett. Going back to my desk, I got comfortable again before reading what it said.
Save me.
Confused, I just looked at the screen for a few seconds, trying to figure out how to respond. I assumed he was making a joke, but didn't really have a clue as to what he was talking about.
What? I typed back, for lack of anything better to say.
Almost immediately, the phone beeped and buzzed again.
Holy shit, you actually answered.
Was I not supposed to? I replied, still a little hesitant. It took me way longer to answer than it did him and I hoped he wouldn't notice.
I wanted you to, just didn't think you would. What are you doing?
This time I was faster. Reading school stuff. What did you need saving from?
Math class. So boring. Have 30 more minutes of torture.
I smiled a bit at his dramatics, but typed out an answer quickly.
I like math. It can't be that bad.
Oh god, you're one of those people. It can be and is that bad.
I didn't know what to respond after that and once thirty seconds or so had passed with me just staring at my phone, I was starting to panic a little. Luckily, he saved me.
How did the haircut go, by the way?
Fine. It was nice of her.
Haha. No, more likely she was trying to get something out of you. Did she ask you a bunch of questions?
No. Why was it so ridiculous if she just wanted to be nice?
A knock on the door forced me to look up from the screen for the first time in several minutes. I shoved the phone under my leg so she wouldn't see what I was doing.
"Yeah?"
Esme popped her head into my room. "I made you some lunch if you're hungry."
"Okay," I said, trying to sound natural but I could feel my face turning red. It was stupid, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I had no reason to be embarrassed.
"Okay…" she scrunched her eyebrows for a second, obviously noticing my red cheeks. "Are you alright?"
"Fine. I'll be down in a minute," I promised.
She seemed to believe me and left, leaving the door cracked.
I sent the previous text, then typed another and sent it quickly.
Esme just came up here, I have to go eat lunch.
I sat the phone down and went to grab a sweatshirt, but before I could leave the room, the phone beeped again.
Just take the phone with you, that's kinda the point haha.
I thought about it, and yeah, I guess that was a good point, but I didn't really want to answer any questions about it from Esme, and me texting at lunch would not go unnoticed.
But won't she be mad that you're texting me while you're in class?
Oh…I guess that's true.
And then, Well enjoy your food while I'm here suffering. I'll see you later.
I couldn't decide how to end it, should I make a joke about his class? Say something about seeing him when he got home? I couldn't make up my mind and I was getting a little anxious about it, so I decided to just pretend like I was already downstairs and didn't see the message. Hopefully he wouldn't think that was weird.
When I got back to my room, I thought about continuing the conversation for about three seconds before I decided I was too nervous about saying something stupid. Or maybe he only wanted to talk to me because he was bored. My stomach was feeling all queasy about the whole thing, so I just put the phone back where I got it and tried to focus on my school stuff for a while. I ended up not being able to focus at all, instead every few minutes I would glance at the phone. Finally, I brought my book downstairs and got comfy on the couch while I did my reading.
Carlisle came home before anyone else, and I thought about escaping to my room when I heard the garage door go up, but decided not to risk getting caught trying to run away. Instead I stayed as still as possible and hoped he would just overlook me. I wished his work schedule didn't change so often, so I would know when to expect him.
"Hello, Edward," he greeted as soon as he walked in. Of course he would see me.
"Hi."
"Having a good afternoon?" he asked as he took his coat off and hung it in the closet.
"Yeah." He smiled and nodded, taking his shoes off. The silence was a bit awkward, and I thought about asking him about work or something, but decided against it. Pointless questions never did me any good.
He went into the kitchen and I relaxed a bit, going back to my book. Before long though he was back, and now he had a newspaper with him. He plopped down on the couch furthest away from me and unfolded his paper, appearing completely engrossed in whatever headline he was reading.
I knew what he was doing. Or I suspected, at least.
While Esme was usually okay with leaving me be and letting me stick to my routine, Carlisle seemed to think a different strategy was better. He often asked me to do different things, like little things such as staying downstairs with them after dinner, or a few times he had offered to take me out driving. I knew they weren't supposed to be a big deal, but we both knew it made me uncomfortable. Right now, he was forcing me to do something I wouldn't normally do. I knew he read the paper in the morning. He usually went up to his office after work. He was doing this because of me.
He was being casual about it, but I suspected he noticed how tense I became when he sat down. I pretended to keep reading, but I had trouble focusing and I had to remind myself to keep turning pages so it wasn't so obvious.
I wanted to leave but couldn't. I was stuck here until someone else came into the room or he left. It was stupid. I was overreacting. But I couldn't help it.
Finally, after what seemed like at least an hour, Emmett and Alice saved me. While Carlisle was distracted asking them about their days and listening to Alice chatter on about her classes, I did my best to sneak out of the room. I knew they all saw me go, but it felt better than staying there would have.
Not ten minutes later, there was another knock on my door but I didn't need to ask who it was. Emmett always tapped out some ridiculously long rhythm on the door, so in knew it was him. I found myself grinning before he even walked in.
I was on my couch, still trying to get the chapters I wanted to read in, seeing as how the rest of my day I had been rather distracted.
Emmett came in, but stayed over by the door.
"Hey," I said, wondering if he wanted something.
"Hey," he nodded back. When he said nothing, I raised my eyebrows, waiting for whatever it was he wanted to say to come out.
"You alright?" he asked, not sounding too serious but still obviously worried about something.
I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "Why do you always think there's something wrong with me?" It was kind of a dumb question, seeing as how there usually was something wrong with me, but I wanted him to think there wasn't.
"You just looked kind of freaked out down there, is all."
"Well I wasn't, I guess that's just…how I look," I lied. He scoffed this time, but in a more humorous was, so I knew he wasn't mad.
"Okay, whatever."
He proceeded to plop down next to me, like right next to me. We were not evenly spread on the couch space at all. I wondered if he did it on purpose, but definitely wasn't bothered by it.
"Whatcha readin'?"
I flipped the book over and held it out so he could see it. His hand grabbed my wrist and tilted the book towards him more. When he let go, my wrist was burning.
"Ew. Boring."
I shrugged, laying the heavy book back down on my lap with a thump.
"So what have you been doing all day?"
He was sitting really close to me, and when I turned my head towards him to answer, I inhaled sharply, getting ready to answer him. I stopped abruptly, and snapped my mouth shut. He smelled really good. Like…I guess I had smelled him before but for some reason, it was all I could focus on right then. I took a few more breathes before I realized I was being weird.
"Um…" I shook my head. Emmett laughed a little, looking confused. "Nothing really, I guess."
"Mhmm...so why didn't you text me if you weren't doing anything?"
"I did."
"Yeah, but you stopped. I texted you from English too," he chuckled a little.
"You did?" I got up, dropping the book on the floor. I grabbed my phone and looked at my messages.
How was lunch?
"Oh. It was good."
He laughed this time, and I avoided his eyes by sitting back down, looking down at my lap.
"It's okay, I wasn't really that interested in your lunch."
"Then why did you ask?"
I felt him shrug, realizing I had sat really close to him too.
"I just wanted to talk to you. I like talking to you."
I glanced at his face, he was smiling. He seemed so happy, carefree. I wished I could feel like that. It wasn't like I was uncomfortable with him being here, in fact I was glad he came in here. But I felt a little nauseous. Nervous for some reason I couldn't quite pin down.
"Oh." I nodded, looking back at my hands. We were silent for a minute but I could feel him staring at me. My face was red, I just knew it.
"Hey." He nudged my shoulder. "Look at me."
I did. I look at his face, how concerned it looked at first but then it evened out into a slight grin when I followed his directions. I glanced at his mouth, saw the way his lips were parted slightly. I inhaled his scent again, just as amazed as the first time at how great he smelled.
"What's wrong? You look like you're going to pass out or something," he joked, but the way his eyebrows scrunched told me he was at least partly serious.
I nodded, but then told him, "I'm fine." I watched his mouth this time when he answered.
"You're lying."
I have no fucking idea what went through my head in the next ten seconds or so, because what I did clearly qualified me for some type of psychiatric hospital. It was literally insane.
The way he moved his lips, the way they moved over his teeth, the way I could see his tongue flick against the back of them, it made me do it. He was too close. Smelled way too good. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to too much.
I don't remember leaning forward, or if I shut my eyes or even kept breathing, but I do remember my lips pressing against his. It probably lasted about two seconds, but so many things happened. I tasted the same thing I had smelled before, and it was incredible. His lips were soft and seemed to fit with mine in a way I didn't know was possible. He didn't exactly kiss me back, but then again I didn't really give him time. In fact, I don't even think he knew what was going on. He hadn't moved anything but his lips just slightly in reaction to mine, but it felt like a reflex.
It only lasted the amount of time it took for the signal to get to my brain from my lips that I was doing something this insanely stupid. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped and I ripped myself from the couch, threw myself into the bathroom and slammed the door, locking it on instinct.
My mind was literally blank. I could think nothing, do nothing, I don't even think I was seeing anything. The first thing that eventually popped into my brain was vomit. And vomit I did. I was grateful to have something so unpleasant to distract my brain, but I could never get what I just did out. I'm pretty sure it will be there forever.
The adrenaline was still racing through me. I laid down on the tile floor and pressed my face on the cold surface, trying to stop the spinning. I realized my phone was still in my hand. I released it immediately, shoving it far away from me, feeling betrayed by the device.
How would I ever be able to leave this bathroom?
That's what I thought for a good minute straight, before the only thing that could make this worse happened.
"Edward." It wasn't a question, he simply just said my name. He sounded a little sick too, and why wouldn't he? I probably just disgusted him to no end. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing it would all just go away.
It would literally be impossible for my mouth to make any noise even if I wanted to, so instead I held my hands over my ears, trying to block out the world.
"Edward, it's okay. I swear. I-" he stopped, sounding overwhelmed. I could still hear loud and clear, so I pressed harder.
"Okay. I don't know what's fucking happening and I'm just as confused as you are, but its fine and I'm not mad and you shouldn't be upset about this. It's okay." He was rambling. He sounded freaked out.
"Dude, I can't just fucking leave you when you're like this. You need to say something." Like hell I was saying anything right now.
He waited for another few minutes, if he was saying anything I couldn't hear him.
"I'm going to assume you would murder me if I went and got Mom right now, but seriously I have to do something. I can't leave you panicking like this. So, either say something and tell me what to do or I'm going to go get her. I…I won't tell her anything, of course not. You can tell her whatever you want."
I swallowed hard. I couldn't see Esme right now. I was fully freaking the fuck out and she would probably get Carlisle and that would be bad. I had to stop that.
"Just go. Please." I barely choked it out, I'm sure he could tell I was crying, but it didn't matter. I could never make this worse.
He didn't answer for a while. When he did, I was relieved.
"Fine. But please try to calm down. It's going to be okay, I swear."
He finally left the room, not without promising he would be back in a while.
I was curled into a little ball on the floor, my arms tugging tightly against my ribcage, keeping me from flying apart. I pressed my face into the ground as hard as I could. I wanted to get sucked into it.
I had no idea what came over me. What was I thinking? I was obviously insane. That was all there was to it. No other possible explanation.
My heart was beating really fast and my stomach was all fluttery and I felt surprisingly dizzy for being on the ground.
Some time passed, I don't know how long, while I did my best to focus on not thinking.
Beep beep. My eyes flew open in time to see the phone vibrate on the tile a little before it was still again.
Emmett. Of course he couldn't just leave it alone. There was no way he was going to let me forget about this and pretend it never happened. He already wanted to talk about it or something, and I just couldn't. I didn't look at the phone, didn't even think about picking it up. It beeped and buzzed several more times, every few minutes.
Finally, when I was starting to get stiff and cold from the tile, I convinced myself to move. No doubt Esme would be up here soon enough, either because she was coming to get me for dinner or because my lack of response would make Emmett alert her to my freak out. I had to do my best and convince her I was okay, or at least close to okay.
I was dizzy and shaking, but I made it up and over to the door. Putting my ear close to the crack, I listened for any signs that Emmett was still there.
Silence.
Slowly, I pulled the door open and looked out. My bedroom door was shut, which made me feel like shit for some reason. Emmett was still being nice, even when I was acting all crazy. He knew I would want privacy.
I grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed, wrapped it tight around me and curled up into a ball again on the bed. I felt better like this. I just wanted to go to sleep and never have to think ever again.
The phone beeped two more times, then, predictably, I heard Emmett go downstairs, then Esme come back up, I thought alone. Before I figured out my strategy, she was in my room.
"Sweetie, what's the matter?"
My entire body was secured under the blanket, so she couldn't see when I rolled my eyes, which was good. At least it seemed Emmett didn't tell her what happened. He was probably embarrassed too, which would work to my favor.
When I didn't answer, she sighed and I felt her sit on the edge of my bed.
"Emmett said you were upset, but wouldn't tell me why. Did you guys have a fight or something?"
After a minute, I decided it was best to give her something to work with, or else this would never be over. I shook my head.
She sounded slightly amused when she reached up and pulled the blanket down over my face. "I can't tell what that means from under there."
I shook my head again, avoiding her eyes at all costs.
"Ok, why are you upset?"
I shook my head again, deflecting her question.
"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Are you anxious about something?"
I shrugged instead this time, giving her something to go on.
"Did something happen?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled out. There was literally nothing she could ever say to make me admit what I had just done.
She sighed again, obviously unhappy. "Alright. That's okay. Will you come down for dinner? Getting out of this room for a bit might help."
"I just want to be by myself for a while."
My face was red, she could probably tell I had been crying, I was curled in a little ball like a child, my voice was shaking, and I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. But what I told her was the truth and she miraculously accepted it.
"Maybe it would be good if you took one of your pills, if you're feeling anxious."
After swallowing to clear my throat, I lied to her again. "I already did."
Her extended pause told me how surprised she was by that.
"Alright. Can I bring you up some dinner?"
Her kindness made me want to cry again, so I squeezed my eyes shut.
"No, I don't feel very good. I don't think I want to eat. Thanks though."
I thought she was leaving, but she must have been taking a good look around. I heard her pick up the book from the ground and set it on the desk with a heavy thud.
"Why is your phone on the bathroom floor?" she asked, sounding quite perplexed.
My eyes flew open, hoping she wouldn't open it and see the dozen or so texts I was sure Emmett sent me.
"Um…I must have dropped it. Sorry."
"I'll just put it here, okay?" She set it down on the nightstand where it usually was, without even opening it. "Feel better, alright?"
And she was finally gone. It could have been worse.
I laid there in misery for a long time, barely moving, hoping if I stayed still enough I could stop existing. Eventually I fell asleep, only waking when my back got too stiff and I needed to roll over.
When I did, I saw the phone. It was dark in the room now, and a tiny little green light was flashing, telling me I had messages to attend to.
I couldn't go back to sleep. The phone was basically glaring at me, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Angrily, I grabbed it, flipping it open and roughly pressing buttons until the messages were in front of me. I quickly scrolled to the one where he asked me about lunch so I could read them in order.
The first one only said, Edward, its okay.
And then, I know you're freaking out but just relax. This isn't a big deal.
I'm not mad, if that's what you're thinking.
This shit happens, it's alright.
We can talk about this. It'll be okay.
Or we don't have to talk about it if you don't want, just please respond. You don't have to say anything, just send me something so I know you're okay.
It would be really helpful to know if you're reading these or if I'm talking to myself.
Dude, for real you shouldn't be upset about this. Whatever you're thinking, it's not the end of the world and it's sure not worth getting so upset you puke over it. Just calm down.
Please, please answer me.
You've been in there for a long time, I have to get mom soon. Just tell me you're okay and I won't.
Edward I don't want you to be mad at me, but I can't leave you in there forever if you're this upset.
Ten more minutes and I'm going to go get her.
It was actually twenty two minutes later when he finally sent, Sorry man, I had to. I didn't tell her anything though, I swear.
The last one he sent was, Look, I'm sorry if I caused this and you're upset about it. If you want to talk, text me. Whatever time it is. Or come over here and we can figure this shit out, okay? I'll leave you alone.
Groaning, I snapped it shut and rolled over, shoving the dreaded phone under the pillow.
I felt like I had a bit of a clearer head about all this now, and it definitely wasn't helping. What could have possibly been going on in my mind to make me think kissing Emmett was okay was completely beyond me. I had never kissed anyone, never even considered doing it, and now, out of some crazed, impulsive act, I had done it, probably ruining any type of friendship I had going on with Emmett. I never wanted to look at him again. I would forever be mortified, and there was nothing anyone could do to change that. Ever.
I replayed the moment over and over in my head, trying to make some sense of it. It got worse every time.
The things Emmett must be thinking right now…. He was so nice in the texts, he obviously was just worried about me. He thought I was crazy and going to hurt myself or something probably, and didn't want to be blamed for it even in a roundabout way. Not that he actually had anything to worry about. He didn't do anything. I had no idea what he was talking about in the last text.
Really the only thing for me to do was to claim some sort of momentary insanity. I would have to apologize and promise I would never do anything like that ever again, then beg him to forget about it and not tell a soul.
I wanted to throw up again at just the idea of speaking to him.
Friday, January 7th
It was almost two in the morning, but there was no way I could get to sleep on my own. I crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom to get one of the pills I was supposed to have already taken. I did it without the lights because I was going to avoid my face in the mirror at all costs.
It wasn't the first night I spent lying awake with the torture of my own thoughts, and I'm sure it wouldn't be the last. Eventually I did fall asleep, and when I woke up, the clock said it was 9:20. I was shocked Esme let me sleep that long without checking on me, but then again maybe she had and I slept through it.
Heaving myself out of bed, I planned on heading towards the bathroom. Something stopped me in my tracks.
A folded piece of white paper lay by my door, obviously having been shoved under the crack at some point during the night. I was slightly terrified to pick it up, but at the same time, the curiosity would never let me leave it alone. With shaking hands, I opened it and read Emmett's words.
Edward,
I feel stupid writing you a letter. Especially because you're like 20 feet away from me right now. But I get it if you don't want to talk to me. I hope you actually read this though, because there's a lot of shit that's gone unsaid, at least on my end, and obviously that needs to stop. I don't want to make any assumptions, but you never tell me anything and it's hard to know where your head is at.
First of all, when I told you I was gay, it was for pretty selfish reasons. I mean, it does feel a lot better knowing that someone else knows, but that wasn't the only reason I did it. I like you, Edward. That might be a mistake telling you that, but I have to. You were the reason I broke up with Rose, you're the one who made me figure out I was gay, you're the one who made me be honest with myself. I have to admit that, yeah, I've spent a good amount of my time recently wishing and hoping you would feel the same, but I know that's not a realistic possibility. Or at least I was pretty sure it wasn't. What are the chances of us getting put together like that? So, with what happened yesterday, if you feel the same way about me, then fine. But if you don't, and I've just confused you with how I've acted around you, I want you to know how sorry I am. I might have been too forward or something and made you think that was how you were supposed to react. You don't have to be like that. I mean, I figured you liked girls. It's okay if we're friends. I can do that if that's what you want. I just want you to tell me what you want, and that's what we'll do. I don't want to make you uncomfortable around me. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. Just tell me.
I won't tell anyone what happened. Just know that I'm not mad, actually pretty far from it, and I won't be upset with whatever decision you come to. I'll be home after school, but I'm going to leave you alone unless you tell me you want to talk. Sorry for all the messages last night. I was freaking out. Also, if you could like destroy this after you read it, that's probably a good idea. It would be quite a surprise for Mom to find this.
- Emmett
Apart from wanting to puke again, I wanted nothing more than to sit and put my head between my knees. I was very dizzy, very confused, and very not ready for any of this to be in my life.
Emmett said he liked me. I knew he was gay, but I had never considered that he would ever think about me like that. Or anyone for that matter. It just didn't make a lot of sense.
But apparently it happened anyway. I don't think he'd lie about something like that. The question, apparently, was what I wanted to do about it.
Asides from the obvious mental lapse yesterday, I don't think I had ever really thought about Emmett like that, I didn't know I was supposed to. But I hadn't ever thought about girls like that either, like he suggested maybe I was supposed to. I guess that's what a normal teenager was supposed to be thinking about. I don't know. I didn't know about any of this.
But it made sense. I was more comfortable around him than other people. Even when he sat really close to me, or touched my arm, or asked me personal stuff, I was okay with it all. Even sort of liked it at times, I think. Did that mean I was gay too? It did seem unlikely, like he said, that things would work out in such a way, given my past. But it was obvious that something was happening.
My head hurt, I was hungry, and I wanted a shower. I wanted to clear my brain of all of this for a little while, so that's what I tried to do.
After cleaning up and putting decent clothes on again, I headed downstairs to deal with Esme. She didn't make a big deal about things, just asked if I was feeling better. Emmett must have down played the whole thing pretty well.
It felt better being in the room with her, instead of being alone. She distracted me a little bit, and it was a nice break. She insisted that I take the day off from school work, which I readily agreed to. Usually something useful to do with my mind would be a welcome break, but today I didn't think it would be enough.
I spent the morning hanging out in the living room, watching some stupid TV shows and fluctuating between complete horror at the thought of what I had done, what Emmett said, and the conversation that was sure to follow and a more passive acceptance of the whole situation. After all, this was my life and nothing ever seemed to be easy.
When the time rolled around for my therapy session, I wasn't dreading it as much as usual, for two reasons. The distraction, and it gave me a legitimate excuse to not be where Emmett was when he got home.
Dr. Garrison didn't seem to have anything in particular to talk about today. She asked about my school, how I was sleeping, if I liked taking the pills, that kind of stuff. She wanted me to start thinking about getting out of the house more, she seemed to think meeting new people would be good for me. I didn't see much point.
She asked me about my anxiety levels, if I was having any panic attacks, that sort of thing. I assumed Esme had talked to her, but she didn't make it really obvious so I couldn't be sure.
She spent a good bit of time reminding me that I should be around people more often than not. Apparently it wasn't good to be alone most of the time, even if I was most comfortable that way.
She ended the whole thing a few minutes earlier than usual and there was a weird vibe about it. I couldn't help but feel like this was the calm before the storm.
Then I reminded myself what was waiting for me to deal with down the hall, and decided I should be grateful.
Once I was alone again, safe in my room, I sat down at my desk and pulled out the letter Emmett wrote me. I didn't want to read it again, but I needed to do something about this. My anxiety was spiking just thinking about it, and I didn't think I could go indefinitely without dealing with it, in some way at least.
My hands were shaking, but I got a pen out and pressed it to the blank part that was folded over.
Open your door if you want to talk.
It was stupid, I could have just gone over there and knocked, but I felt the need for him to initiate the whole thing. As silently as I could, I walked over to his door, took in a shaky breath, and slid the note in as far as I could. Then I raced back to my room, left the door open and stood as far away from it as I could, while keeping his door in my line of sight. I was scared, but I wanted it to be over.
It took longer than I thought it would. Over a minute, at least. But finally, slowly, Emmett opened his door. I could feel him watching me, but I looked at my feet.
When I heard him moving, I looked up, scared that he was irritated with my slowness and didn't want to talk about it anymore. But I saw his back doing the same thing I was, going as far away as possible and then turning around to look at me from his spot leaning against the wall. When we made eye contact, he gestured to the room with his hand in a way that clearly said, come on in.
It took me a while, but he waited and eventually I did move, shutting my door on the way out and slowly crept into his room. I shut his door, then leaned against it, leaving a good bit of space between us.
I looked at him. My face was red, I knew it. But his was a little too. He was unsure of himself as well, which made me feel better. After staring at each other like freaks for a few moments, he swallowed hard and started to slide down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. I did the same, leaning against the door. I felt dizzy again, so I pressed my palms to the floor trying to steady myself, bracing myself for what was to come.
EmPOV
He looked fucking terrified, but he was here. He was willing to talk about this, which I found incredible. So I had to say something. Thing is, I had no idea what the right thing to say was.
"So….um…," was all I could come up with.
He thankfully grinned a little, nodding in agreement.
"Yeah. Um."
Hearing his voice kick started something inside of me. If I wanted this to happen, it had to be now.
"Listen. I don't want either of us to be on the wrong page, you know?" This conversation could go many different ways, we needed to make sure it was the right one.
"I know."
"So we should probably figure out what is going on. You read the letter I take it…so you know how I feel."
He nodded, looking a little uncomfortable but mostly just like he was thinking really hard about all this.
"Why'd you do it?" I had to know.
He shook his head. "I don't know."
"You have to know. There's got to be a reason," I insisted. I needed a reason to work with.
He took a long time answering. He pulled his knees up and rested his chin on one, thinking.
"You smelled really good," he mumbled with a shrug.
It wasn't the answer I was expecting, but it was a welcome surprise. I was blushing now, but I'm sure he couldn't mistake the smile on my face for anything other than relief.
"So I didn't somehow coerce you into doing it?"
He shook his head. "I didn't have any idea about…any of that."
My thoughts ran pretty wild last night, thinking I had been too obvious and inadvertently pressured into feeling like I expected that kind of relationship. Like he was supposed to kiss me or I would be mad at him. It was kind of stupid, but I was paranoid about hurting him and when he was so upset afterwards, I assumed the worst. "Good."
As soon as I said it, his eyes were back on mine, looking angry.
"Good? None of this is good. This can't fucking happen. Just think about it for one second."
I had been thinking about it, all night. Obviously there were some issues with the situation, probably more than he realized, but it didn't matter.
"What do you mean? It's not like we have to tell anyone."
"What would happen if your parents found out? It's literally insane. I can't do any of this."
I didn't really understand why he was so opposed to this. We could hide this from my parents. People did stuff like this all the time. We were teenagers after all, we were supposed to break rules.
"You can do whatever you want, Edward. If you think this will make you happy, then you should do it." Not that he really said this would make him happy, but I hoped to god by him not denying everything or pretending like it didn't happen, he was admitting that he liked me too.
"No. You can do whatever you want. But it's different for me." He shook his head in frustration, then planted his forehead on his knee so he wouldn't have to look at me.
We were quiet for a minute. It was true, everything was different for him, but that shouldn't matter, not with this. I mean, this wasn't a normal situation for anyone to be in. Ignore his history, two guys living together and figuring out they had a thing happening between them was so farfetched and unlikely, anybody would have issues with it. But it apparently was happening, and it wasn't fair that he would have to try to ignore it, just because he was himself.
"It doesn't have to be different."
He didn't answer. He obviously wasn't convinced.
"Look at me."
It took him a long time, and when he did it was with an irritated eye roll, but I finally had his attention.
"Do you like me?" His face went red almost immediately, but he didn't say anything. "I mean, do you like me for other reasons than my apparently incredible fragrance? Or is that my only good quality?"
I got a bit of a grin out of him with that, but still no answer.
"If you don't, like I said, it's okay. A bit of a blow to my ego, but maybe I-"
"I've just never done this before. I don't really know what I'm thinking." He looked down again, as if ashamed of what he was telling me. "I mean…I like being around you. I think about you all the fucking time. I've never even considered doing something like…that with anybody. I know I don't meet a lot of people, but I'm pretty sure even if I knew a hundred people I wouldn't be as comfortable around them as I am you. You should scare me. I don't understand why you don't. I don't know what to think about anything with you involved, but…" he shook his head, not knowing where to go.
"But you came over here. You didn't ignore me, like I said you could. So that's got to mean something, right?"
He nodded. "I think so. Or it could mean I'm just crazy."
"I don't think you're crazy."
"Well maybe because you're crazy too."
"Then I guess its fine, because if we're both crazy then it's like neither of us are."
He looked at me like I literally was crazy. I shrugged.
After another period of silence, he finally asked, "Well what are we supposed to do now?"
"Whatever we feel like doing, I guess."
"I kind of feel like throwing up, to be honest."
"Don't joke about shit like that."
"I'm not joking."
"Well, if this is going to stress you out so much that you make yourself sick, that's not good either."
He sighed, obviously regretting that he brought it up. "You usually make me feel better. You know…except for when I'm trying to kiss you."
I chuckled before assuring him, "It shocked the hell out of me, but I didn't exactly fight it."
He shook his head and hid it behind his knees again, embarrassed.
Just as I opened my mouth to reassure him, we both heard the definite sound of someone coming up the stairs. Edward's head snapped up, his eyes going wide like he was trapped and about to be in a bunch of trouble.
There was a knock, but not on my door.
Edward jumped up, looking terrified.
"Edward?" Esme asked, sounding extra muffled from her spot on the other side of the hall.
Edward looked like he was about to jump out my window or something, so I took pity on him and dealt with the situation before that could happen. I grabbed the TV remote, flipping it to a random channel, then as quietly as possible went and grabbed Edward by the arm, making him move away from the door and sit on the end of my bed. I don't think he was breathing anymore. He was stiff and his face was red.
"Its fine, just act normal."
Esme knocked again, sounding worried. I went for my door and Edward reached out for me, sputtering and shaking his head, like there was a better plan available.
"Calm down," I mouthed to him before opening my door to face my mother.
"He's over here, Mom."
She looked back at me, her hand ready to knock again, but stopped, looking completely perplexed.
"He's what?"
"We're just watching some TV."
"Edward?"
I laughed as convincingly as I could, adding, "Yeah, Edward. Who else would I have in my room?"
She took a few large steps over to my room, brushing past me to check on her precious Edward, like I was torturing him in here or something.
Readying myself for the worst, I glanced at Edward, expecting him to be red in the face and looking completely lost and frantic.
"Is everything okay?" Mom asked him. Holding my breath, I hoped he would play this off casually. We didn't need to attract attention already.
It took him a few seconds too long, but eventually he made his mouth open and he sounded pretty convincing when he told her, "I'm fine. Just watching some…" he glanced at the screen. Unfortunately, it was currently showing a toothpaste commercial, so he awkwardly finished his sentence with, "um…TV."
"Yeah…" she didn't sound completely convinced but with Edward, you never knew what was up. She would never suspect what we really had been doing. It was fine.
"Okay. Well I just came up to let you guys know we were thinking about going out to dinner tonight. Maybe driving up to Port Angeles. A little end of exams celebration."
"Cool. What time?" I asked, trying to direct attention off of Edward.
Esme looked suspiciously at me, like I was doing something wrong, and I did my best to look innocent.
"Maybe about an hour."
"Okay."
She looked at Edward. He nodded.
"Okay…you're going to stay in here, Edward?" He nodded again.
Finally, she left us alone again. I left the door open, knowing she would think it odd for me to shut it. We waited until she was safety downstairs before speaking.
"That could have gone worse," I pointed out.
He gave me an exasperated look, clearly disagreeing, before burying his face in his hands.
I chuckled at how dramatic he was being, trying to lighten the mood. "Hey, at least we get free dinner out of it?"
He groaned, which confused me.
"They're doing that because of me."
"What do you mean?"
"They want me to leave the house more, or meet people, or something." He rolled his eyes, obviously thinking it was stupid.
I didn't think it was stupid. As much as I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, I was starting to wonder if he would ever want to leave the house. We were always offering to take him places, he never showed any interest. The few times Mom or I had managed to coerce him out of the house, he was tense and anxious to get back home as soon as possible. It wasn't normal and I knew Carlisle and Esme worried about it.
I wasn't exactly going to tell Edward any of that though.
"It'll be fun to get out of Forks though," I tried to encourage him. He clearly disagreed but didn't fight me on it and I realized it was probably a good thing Mom had asked him while he was in my room and it being all awkward and stuff. He was more likely to refuse if he was on his own with her.
I knew Carlisle and Esme were careful with bringing Edward around town. Quick trips to the store were one thing but taking him out to diner in town was different. Sitting there for an hour or more with a bunch of local gossips who had all heard the news of the Cullens taking him in would lead to nothing good. It was better to get him out of town where he could be a bit more anonymous. That meant there were less chances to get him out, but it wasn't worth the risk. The friendlier Edward viewed the outside world, the better.
Still, Edward did not look at all thrilled about his new evening plans, and I wanted to cheer him up. I just didn't really know how.
When he didn't comment anymore about dinner, I moved on, trying to distract him.
"So, do you actually want to watch some TV?" I asked, grabbing the remote and starting to look for something good.
It was obvious Edward was uncomfortable now, for whatever reason, and he was done talking to me. I thought we had made a lot of progress tonight, but maybe not as much as I had hoped. I just wish he would talk to me instead of being so silent all the time.
He didn't answer, just shrugged and remained at his perch on the end of my bed.
"Hey, if you don't want to go out tonight, just-"
"I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready," he said, abruptly cutting me off. He was up and out of my room before I could say a word. After he shut my door, almost slamming it because he was in such a hurry all of a sudden, I flopped back on my bed, groaning in frustration.
I think everyone was a bit surprised when Edward actually came down to the living room, dressed in his usual jeans and long sleeves. I for one definitely figured he would come up with some excuse to stay home tonight, but he proved me wrong.
As we all filed into Carlisle's car, Alice sliding in the backseat between me and Edward, there was a subtle tension. Nobody said anything, but it was blatantly obvious that this was a big night for Edward. A night which shouldn't have been a big deal, but was because it was him. Everyone pretended it was a casual occasion. Mom chatted with Alice as Dad pulled onto the highway. I wished I was sitting next to Edward so I could gage his mood. I had a feeling his silent calmness was going to be short lived, the only question was when he would stop accepting everything so easily and start fighting for what he actually wanted. As scared as the idea made me, I hoped he would get there sooner rather than later.