I don't own The Hobbit. If I did, a lot of things would be different. like Bagginshield would be canon and..anyway, enjoy and don't forget to review!xx
I spot the little Hobbit talking to a female Elf. She keeps tossing long, dark brown hair over her shoulders. Suddenly she kneels down and, oh horrors, Bilbo is stroking her hair!
Whatever would Thorin think? I know what he'd think. He'd think. 'My Hobbit loves this tree-shagger more than me.' and then he'd declare war. Our king is noble, brave, strong, but he can be a real tit when the mood takes him.
He's braiding it. Panic strikes me and I quickly run over and smile, trying not to worry him.
"Hey, you. Come on, let's do something fun together." I say, breathless. He abandons the hair and steps towards me.
"Goodbye, little one."
For Mahal's sake. Balin is the only one to call Bilbo little one. He steps back. "Goodbye, Lady Arwen."
Her smile is so beautiful it makes my teeth ache. I grab our burglar and march off. When he get away from the evil woman who tried to woo him with smiles and beauty, he looks woeful. I'm not having it.
"Bilbo," I say solemnly, "I would be careful around Elves. They're very flirty creatures."
"No, they're lovely." he says.
I am horrified. Lovely? My arse are they lovely. They're disloyal, thieving, black-hearted bastards. I tell him this and his eyes widen and look devastated.
"No, they're a wonderful people!"
"They're not! Trust me on this, Bilbo."
"The last time," he says haughtily, "I trusted one of you, I nearly got torn apart by Trolls!"
Well, err, yes, that is true. But I know what I'm talking about. Our da died trying to rid us of Smaug. Had the Elves intervened, maybe he might have been saved. I feel my face droop. Bilbo looks worried.
"I'm sorry." he says, patting my arm cautiously, as though I'm a bear that will rip his hand off. "I meant no offence."
"I know." I say. "I were thinking of my da, that's all."
I tell him about Da. He is very sympathetic. Frankly, Hobbits are lovelier than Elves. I tell him this. He snorts and tells me of a woman called Lobelia. She sounds a right bitch.
"You know, if you were wrong about Hobbits, you might be wrong about Elves." he says.
"Master Baggins, I am rarely wrong. But, in seriousness Master Burglar, try and stay away from the Elves, please?" I push my hat away from my ears. I love the thing, but it gets bloody hot.
"Why?"
"Because Thorin would tie you to his chest," I say (he has done that to Fili and Kili. Kept them out of mischief. Too bad they grew too big for it.), "if he thought you were fraternising with the Elves."
"It's none of his business." he says.
"I know," I say. "But you really don't want to get on Thorin's bad side."
"I already have and nothing's going to change that." he says, sadly and I feel heartbroken for this Shireling. As he pads off, I wonder if one of my brothers could be of assistance.