Chapter 11

His eyes opened, pistol in hand immediately, as the door to the main battery slid open. He knew it was locked. How could anyone get in without going through EDI? He feigned sleep a moment longer, and heard the quiet footsteps creep closer to him. Quickly, he jolted upright, turning the weapon on… his commanding officer. The one person who had the authority to go anywhere she pleased on the ship.

"Good, at least you have a gun. Get dressed. We're getting up close and friendly with a derelict Reaper at 0700."

He stared at Shepard. "Now?"

"0700. You're supposed to listen when your CO is talking."

"I thought we were going to the Citadel first, to follow the lead on Sidonis."

"That comes later," she said dismissively. "Right now we need to get an IFF installed so we can plot the relay jump when we're ready to fuck up the Collector base."

He peered at the glowing numbers on his console, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Shit, ten minutes?"

"Double time," she replied. "Oh, and get that goddamn gun out of my face before I make you eat it."

"You're starting to sound like Zaeed," he accused her, lowering the weapon.

She smirked. "Goddamn right I am."

Although boarding the Reaper was beyond terrifying, Garrus found his head somewhere else for nearly the entire mission. As he popped off husk after husk, he let his mind wander to his conversation with Shepard from earlier that morning. They had both been completely civil, an unusual feat for the clashing duo. Come to think of it -

"Bird, on your left!"

Fucking scions.

- they hadn't bickered or insulted one another at all since he'd marched up to her cabin to confront her. That was a strange concept. From the very moment they met, back on the Citadel, the two had constantly been at odds. Even after being dead for two years (Garrus didn't really believe that story fully, but he wasn't about to argue with her), Shepard had almost instantly pointed a gun at his head. That sort of rivalry didn't suddenly disappear overnight.

So why had it? The only thing Garrus could think of was that Shepard, finally forced to come to terms with her feelings for him, had given up the façade of disdain toward him. She was still calling him 'Bird,' but at least she wasn't trying to drive in the point with her awful attempts at humor. But really, he couldn't pretend Shepard's behavior was the only thing that had changed.

At first he had been trying to steer clear of her radar, but if he was being completely honest, he had been speaking to her more respectfully out of a subconscious desire to rather than out of any conscious motivation. He had to admit, she seemed much less hostile now -

"Move your ass before I shoot it! Where the hell is your head today, Bird?"

- and it was a nice change of pace. In fact, he loathed to think it, but he was starting to actually admire her a bit. Though she was quick to anger, she was still able to remain level-headed in stressful situations, and she could be very persuasive. Garrus, on the other hand, had never really been a people person. Sure, he could talk a woman into bed, but that was different than convincing a stubborn Council that they needed a human Spectre, or talking the most dangerous man he'd ever known into suicide.

He shook his head in an attempt to clear it. Where were all these thoughts coming from? Hadn't he always despised Shepard, wanted to deflate her esteem? Suddenly that seemed like a childish thought. Shepard had a right to be a little cocky, he reasoned with himself. She was sacrificing her family and friends to try for the second time to save a galaxy that had barely batted an eye at her death.

As they started back toward the Normandy, Garrus hardly noticed his surroundings, even though Shepard was now carrying a fallen geth like a baby while Tali cursed and complained that it was a stupid decision to take a geth back to the ship. He was wrapped up in one revolting thought, one alarming conclusion, that he had been trying for two years to pretend wasn't true: he actually cared about Shepard.

Of course, it wasn't love (he shuddered to think the word). It was merely that she was a remarkable woman, and he had grown to respect her as a person. He wasn't sure if any romantic feelings for Shepard permeated the confused mix of thoughts associated with her name. He had become attracted to her over time, despite his initial aversion to humans, but he wasn't sure if that had to do with her body or her personality.

He sighed, glaring down at the newest creation Mess Sergeant Gardner had attempted to pass off as food. It was absolutely inedible today.

Many of the other crew members sat with him, and a lively conversation about the implications of a romance between Joker and EDI was being discussed at length around him, but Garrus paid the gossip no attention. Across the table and a few seats over, Shepard was holding her fork in front of her with something green speared on the end of it, but seemed to have forgotten that she was in the middle of eating as she listened with a mischievous grin to Donnelly's theories.

As he watched her, a sudden seriousness came over her, and he could tell she was getting a comm. Her face lit up, and she was gone. So, that was probably EDI, letting her know the IFF was almost installed. That meant Shepard would be instructing Joker to head to Illium, where the crew could buy any armor or weapons they wouldn't be able to find on the Citadel.

That thought reminded Garrus that all too soon they would be on the Citadel, and he would finally be able to make Sidonis answer for his treason. A grim smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. He was ready for it. Sidonis was going to die.

Gone. Everyone who didn't come ashore with them to Illium, save Joker, was gone. None of them could believe it. Joker explained the situation, that he'd vented the ship as a last resort after the rest of the crew had already been abducted, and EDI had even backed him. It was strange to hear the two on the same page for once, and it highlighted the terrible reality of the situation.

The entire time Joker spoke, Garrus' eyes were on Shepard. Her face was pale and bleak, but composed. After Joker was done, she stood and addressed what was left of the Normandy's crew. She said nothing in particular that stood out, just that the Collectors were going to pay and she would get the whole crew back no matter the cost. Then she dismissed herself quietly, leaving the rest of them to talk, cry, and mull it over without her.

Soon after she left, Garrus retreated to the main battery. He intended to sleep on the day's events and rethink everything in the morning. However, the thoughts plagued him. The surveillance vids EDI had played of the unarmed crew members, beaten and stolen by the damn Collectors rolled over and over in his mind. He found himself pacing, sharpening his talons, frustrated that there was no immediate solution to the problem.

Before he had realized it, his feet had carried him to the elevator, and he'd wound up in front of her door. Looking for guidance, or somewhere to vent, or - shit, he didn't know how he expected her to help.

A soft sound from inside caught his attention, and he didn't knock this time. The door slid open, and he looked around the corner to where she sat, draped over her desk, her body shaking with almost-silent sobs.

Something inside him wrenched painfully at the sight. Shepard never cried. She was invincible. She looked up at the sound of the door, her eyes rimmed with red, but before she could speak he was there, holding her, kissing her, running a hand through her hair soothingly. First she was still, then resolve crumbled and her arms were around his neck, her mouth seeking his, in a frantic rush to find intimacy. And for a moment, a fleeting moment, they were happy.

Then her body was stiff and she shoved him back. Something in her eyes was still wild, desperate, but there was a measure of control as she glared up at him, tear-streaks still evident.

"You're only here because of what Kaidan said on Horizon," she accused him. She sounded hurt.

He was confused. "Well, sort of… it did get me thinking about -"

"You think I'm some pathetic, broken-hearted little girl," she hissed. "I deserve better than some pity-fuck because the world around us is going to hell. I deserve better than you."

Now he was stunned. "Two weeks ago you loved me. What happened? I didn't come up here for a pity-fuck. I came up to check on you, because I knew you were upset. To talk things over with you, because I respect your judgment. And when I kissed you, it wasn't because I wanted sex, it was because I couldn't stand to see you sad. As my commander, or friend, or something else – I'm not sure. I wanted to do anything to make you stop crying."

He got his wish; her tears had stopped. The look on her face was almost unreadable, caught somewhere between surprise and dismay. It made his stomach clench, and he knew she was about to say something bad.

"Bird, I've only loved one man in my life, and it was not you."

"Who… who were you talking about on Horizon?"

"Not that it is any of your business," she breathed, "but Nihlus."

His mouth was dry. Suddenly everything she'd done had made perfect sense. "That's why you wanted to take over the case so bad."

"That's why I wanted Saren dead," she affirmed.

That's why she'd had a slight interest in the turian she seemed so apt to disregard: the need for familiarity.

"You really don't like me in any way?" It was more a statement than a question, but he needed to hear the answer from her.

"You mean nothing to me."

As gently as she said it, the words still stung.

(A/N): And there we have it. It's always been building to this.