Chapter 14

He had impressed her. She knew it had taken a lot of rational thinking and forgiveness on his part to let Sidonis live, which a younger Garrus would have been too impatient for. She had underestimated his capacity to grow as a person. She realized, as she waited by the cab, that she actually held a measure of respect for him for making the decision he did. It was a hard call. Shepard knew that she wouldn't have done the same. Though it was a justifiable choice persuading Saren to kill himself, as his indoctrination posed a threat to the galaxy, Shepard's true motive had been vengeance. She wondered if Garrus wouldn't do the same for someone he loved.

She shook her head again to clear it as he approached her, scowling. She opened her mouth to ask him what had changed his mind, but he cut her off with a look.

"I know you want to talk about this, but I don't." His voice was quiet and dangerous. "I'm sorry I dragged you along and wasted your time. Please save me the lecture, just this once."

She eyed him indecisively before shrugging and getting in the cab. She'd forgive the insubordination. She knew she'd done enough damage to his ego already the night before, even if he was too proud to show it.

At any rate, his business with Sidonis was over, and now he would be able to focus on the real mission. She knew she'd need him in the Collector Base. Even if she didn't like him, she knew she could trust him by her side; something she couldn't say for some of the newer members of her crew.

That's right, Miranda, she thought venemously. You and your slutty outfits are only on my ship because your presence is the difference between getting Cerberus funding and dumpster diving for spare parts on Omega.

Even though the black-haired woman had spent two years of her life working to bring the former Spectre back from the grave, Shepard still didn't trust her. She knew the only people Miranda cared about were her sister Orianna and Garrus. Shepard doubted the turian realized it, but Miranda was always finding ridiculous excuses to call him into her office for mission reports, input on dextro rations, even to order another set of pillow cases (Shepard had seen the invoice, but didn't ask; she did not want to know what he did to the old ones). It didn't bother her that the woman obviously had feelings for him, only that she was so showy about it. Sometimes it felt like Miranda deliberately waited until Shepard was on the third floor to ask Garrus to come to her office for a chat. And she always made sure to throw a smirk over her shoulder so Shepard would know what her real motives were.

The thought of motives brought her back to the situation at hand. She cast a sly look at Garrus to get a read on his emotional state, but he was staring out of the window. She decided to risk it.

"Why didn't you do it?"

He tensed, but didn't look at her. "We're not discussing this."

She snorted. "Like hell."

"Not when you won't tell me what happened when you died."

A flash of irritation crossed her face. Why wouldn't he let that go? Maybe he thought what he was feeling now about Sidonis was as personal, as haunting as the last tortured minutes of her life, but he was wrong. He'd never died. How could he possibly understand?

But if she ever wanted an answer, she knew she'd have to tell him.

"That sounds… fair." It didn't.

Nonetheless, he turned, and she smiled grimly. "Do we have a deal?"

He nodded, his face unreadable.

Shepard looked down and sighed. "Alright. We were searching for geth in the Terminus systems, because Alliance decided lying about what happened on the Citadel was for the best of the public. This Collector ship – you know the one – popped out of nowhere, and suddenly we were in flames and the hull was torn apart. Half the crew was dead before we even knew we'd been shot. I tried to get everyone off the ship, but Joker wouldn't go. I half-carried him across the ship and stuffed him in an escape pod, but the ship was falling apart. Something exploded and the next thing I knew I was flying backward, slammed into the wall, and then sucked off the ship by the vacuum of space."

She paused. She was having trouble sounding neutral, and his intense stare wasn't helping. She took a deep breath and tried to ignore how shaky it sounded before continuing.

"My air supply was ruptured. After a few seconds I was already struggling for air. I lost consciousness before I hit the atmosphere. Then suddenly it was two years later and I was waking up in a Cerberus lab. Anything else you want to know, you'll have to ask Miranda. She's the one who brought me back."

At least she knew her nightmares wouldn't be about Nihlus tonight. Instead of watching his death like usual, she'd relive her own.

Garrus was still staring at her gravely, and she was getting uncomfortable. Just as she opened her mouth, the taxi slowed to a halt.

She glared at him, opening the door. "This doesn't mean you're off the hook."

Shepard paid the driver, and the two walked in silence through the Citadel's docking bay back to the airlock. They stepped inside the elevator at the same time and Garrus glanced at her hesitantly before reaching for the button that would take them to the third floor. Before he could press it, Shepard had already clicked the button for the first floor. He looked back at her again, brow plates raised.

"I told you that you're not off the hook."

He cleared his throat and looked at the elevator doors, and she frowned. Did he think that was a come-on? She did love to toy with him when the opportunity arose, but today he had elicited a certain measure of respect from her. Not to mention curiosity.

They stepped out of the elevator, and she entered the cabin. He slowly followed.

"Make yourself comfortable," she said off-handedly, discarding her comm and omni-tool on her desk.

He headed toward the couch while she grabbed a spare set of clothes and went into the bathroom to change, leaving the door ajar so they could talk.

"Do you want something to drink?" she called, sliding out of her armor with a sigh of relief. "Tali left some dextro stuff here from a few nights ago. I think there's some wine, maybe a bit of rum…"

"Ah, no thanks," he replied, humming a bit.

She always loved the sound of turian sub-harmonics, but without the facial expression to accompany them, she didn't understand what they meant.

"Do you and Tali spend a lot of time together?" he asked, sounding amused.

"No, not usually. Why do you ask?"

"Because you have a very large assortment of dextro alcohols."

Shepard snorted, pulling her shirt over her head. "That's all from after we got the IFF. Do you have any idea how much alcohol I had to pour into her environmental suit to convince her taking a geth on board was a good idea?"

"I wondered how you had planned to calm her down. I've never seen her so angry before." He paused. "I heard you activated the geth."

She walked out of the bathroom, much more content in her casuals. "Yeah. I was going to make an announcement about it later. It… He made a very compelling argument about why we should let him help us stop the Collectors. He's part of the crew now."

She sat on the couch a few feet away from him, and he gave her an incredulous look.

"Really? What makes you so sure that he's not here to gather information about us?"

"I'll explain it in the announcement," she softly assured him. "But that's not why we're here."

His breath hitched, and she almost smirked.

"You still haven't explained what happened earlier," she reminded him.

"Of course, about Sidonis," he murmured. "Well, there's not much to know. I wanted what was right for my men, for him to pay for what he'd done. When I saw him… Well, he's suffering more living than dead anyway. And violence isn't the solution to everything. I like to think my team would have preferred for me to let go of my anger than to avenge them, even if I wanted Sidonis dead more than I ever wanted, well, anything. I just hope I did right by them."

Shepard scrutinized his face. That sounded nothing like the hard-headed Garrus she'd known. A small smile formed at the corners of her mouth. Maybe there was hope for him after all.

"So, did you want to keep talking, or get to the real reason you brought me up here?"

The question startled her. "Real reason?" she echoed.

"Don't be coy, Shepard," he admonished. "After yesterday, I'm done playing your games. If you want something from me, just say it, and maybe I'll even be stupid enough to do it."

"I'm not playing any games." The smile was gone now.

"Please," he scoffed. "It's all bravado – from the false confidence to the flirting."

"You think this is about sex?" she demanded incredulously.

He shrugged. "How better to manipulate me than to get me in bed the day after you shoot me down? It's classic Shepard."

God, did he really think she was that awful?

"I'm not propositioning you," she growled. "And clearly you know nothing about me."

"How could I? You put on such a show, sometimes I think you fool yourself. You're lonely. You're terrified about this mission, about dying again. But what terrifies you even more is the thought of letting someone get close to you. You shut out anyone who has a chance. Kaidan tried for months. So did Liara. Then they moved on." He was standing now, and he sounded angry. "Me? I've spent well over two years under your thumb. Sometimes detesting you, sometimes revering you. I know that makes me an idiot, but at least I can admit it."

She stared at him, eyes wide. Where had all this come from?

"You've convinced yourself that you don't need anyone else," he continued, grabbing her arms and yanking her to her feet. "So you play with people instead, and tell yourself it's because you enjoy it."

He pulled her against himself roughly, leaning his face toward hers. "If you're going to try to use me, at least have the quad to tell me that you want me."

Her heart was pounding, and she was very conscious of his lips only inches from hers. She struggled to remind herself that the only reason she was so turned on right now was because the only person who ever talked to her like this had been Nihlus.

"I don't want you," she replied breathlessly.

He smiled coldly, dipping her head back and running a hot tongue up her neck. She shuddered in his arms, cursing her traitorous body.

"You're a coward," he sighed in her ear, before releasing her and walking out of her cabin.

"A damn stupid one," she muttered at the closing door.

(A/N): To LaughingTiger, yes, I was very conscious of her motives while writing from Garrus' perspective. I wasn't sure until a few chapters ago that I wanted to write from her perspective too, but if she was going to be a round character, I knew I'd have to have her at least explain what drives her. This way is more interesting, in my opinion. Not to mention that she would never be that open with Garrus.