Chapter 16

After a few minutes of indecision, cursing herself, she walked right back into the lounge and glared at Kasumi.

"I need your help."

Shepard gritted her teeth at the sound of the words. Pride was a delicate matter to Shepard, but she knew she needed the assistance. Tonight, she would have to get outside her comfort zone if she was to follow through with her plan.

It took a few more strong drinks and words of advice from Kasumi before she was ready. Her head wasn't quite swimming, but her cheeks were pink and there was a pleasant warmth spreading throughout her. The small thief sized her up with a faint smile.

"Alright. We went over the lines. You're just drunk enough that your ego won't be as much of a problem, but not so drunk that you'll make an ass of yourself. Do you feel ready?"

Shepard sighed. "No, but this is as close as it's going to get."

"Then go for it."

She took a deep breath, straightening up, and marched out of the lounge and down the long corridor to the main battery. Her heart was pounding, and her head was starting to spin from walking so fast. She paused at the door, contemplating. It wasn't too late to back out. The only one who knew about this was Kasumi, and she wouldn't tell anyone. Of course, if they survived tomorrow, she would have to live with the constant mockery of her Japanese squad member. Why did she think it was a good idea to as Kasumi, of all people, for help?

Steeling her resolve, she opened the door. He was standing in the middle of the room at the console. Like always, he wore the same blue armor from Omega. There was a huge chunk torn off from the cowl, and for some reason it irritated her to see that he still hadn't bothered to replaced it. He turned at the sound of the door, looking surprised, and she struggled to make eye contact.

Come on, Shepard, you've faced scarier things than a damn turian before, she reminded herself unconvincingly.

Aloud, she simply said, "Hi."

He stared at her, and she tried not to squirm. This was worse than she'd imagined. Maybe she could still back out?

"I didn't think you'd have the nerve to show your face." He was humming again. He sounded almost... Smug.

Nope, too late to leave now. She was going to have to kick his gray ass. Make an example of him for anyone who dared to mock her.

No, wait, that was the alcohol talking. Kasumi's words rang in her head: Stick with the plan!

"Says the guy with half his face missing," she replied childishly.

Smooth, Shepard, she groaned internally. You're derailing. He's getting pissed. Say what you came to say before he refuses to hear it.

"Look, I'm... I haven't been a very good commanding officer. To you. You already know I've been through a lot, but that still doesn't give me an excuse to jerk you around like I've been doing." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

She returned his gaze warily, and suddenly a smile cracked his face and he was laughing. Loudly. Her cheeks were burning now, and she glared at him.

"Hey, Bird, you know that was really hard to say. You'd better fucking take me seriously right now."

He smirked at her. "Oh, I know you're serious. That's what's so hilarious. I never thought I'd see the day that you admitted you were wrong."

"That was a one time thing," she clarified, holding up a finger dangerously. "And don't go spreading it around the crew."

She turned to leave, but he grabbed her wrist, pulling her back.

"I don't think you were done."

His voice was low now, and the dual-toned sound sent shivers down her spine.

"Why the hell not?"

"I thought after yesterday, you might have something else to admit."

Oh, fuck no. She didn't owe him that much. Even as she looked up at him, eyes filled with disgust, she knew she had been fooling herself. He wasn't like Nihlus. Yet she still wanted him.

"Why would I do that?" she demanded, violence implicit in her tone.

"Because you led me on and you tortured me for two years," he pointed out, "and while a tiny little confession like that can't be nearly as embarrassing to you as what you've put me through, it could convince me to start forgiving you."

"Thane and I aren't together," she muttered, looking away. "He knew I was angry about something you said. He was just helping me out."

"As encouraging as that was to hear, you know it's not what I'm looking for."

How was he doing this? She felt like a child, powerless but stubborn. She didn't want to admit anything to him, particularly not anything so personal.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, exasperated.

He smirked. "Because I don't want it to be implied. I want to hear you say the words. I want you to admit it to me and to yourself."

Shepard couldn't stand the thought of someone having power over her like that. But she did trust him. Maybe letting her guard down for once could be a good thing. It had been with Nihlus.

She bit her lip. "I want you... Garrus."

And his hands were on her, pressing over every inch of her body as sharp talons scraped her through the light material of her clothes. He kissed her neck and she moaned, closing her eyes and letting her body sink into his. As he moved to take her shirt off, something inside her protested. She caught his hands and his eyes bore into hers. The look in them, the hunger, almost melted her willpower, but she stood firm.

"This isn't fair to you," she said, breathing quickly. "I don't want to complicate things any more than they already are. I want this, I really do -" his eyes darkened and his grip tightened on her hips, "- but I can't keep letting you think there might be a future for us."

She tried to pry his hands from her body, but he only pulled her closer.

"You are the last person who should be deciding what's fair for me," he replied, pulling her shirt over her head and drinking in the sight of her body.

"I just don't want to hurt you anymore."

She was surprised at the shame in her voice. He chuckled, and she actually blushed. Damn it! How did he get in her head like this? Even Nihlus hadn't made her feel so bare, so open as she felt now. She hated it, but god, she loved the look in Garrus' eyes. Confidence suited him.

"You care about me more than you know, Shepard."

He kissed her lips softly, and as much as she wanted to hate him for saying she cared about him, she couldn't bring herself to do anything but kiss him back with force, using his fringe to bring him closer.

He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. The intimacy of the gesture made her cringe away, but he only smiled.

"Besides," he murmured, "You're worth the pain."

Her vision blurred as tears brimmed her eyes and she spat out a curse, trying to push herself away from him. He didn't let her. So she buried her face in his chest and let him smooth her hair as he held her, but she wouldn't cry. Not for him.

(A/N): I hope this doesn't come across too sappy. I like the angry dynamics between them, and I promise those aren't gone.