Chapter 19

She traced a swirling pattern lightly over his plates as she lay beside him, her head propped up with her other hand. He let out a light hum, and for a moment she thought she'd roused him, but then he followed it up with a snore. She smiled. She couldn't remember ever being this happy before.

Since her parents had died, she'd worked her ass off. She never took a sick day, and she never dared to give herself a break. Nihlus had changed that. He made her work harder, which she hadn't realized was possible, but he also encouraged her to find pleasure in ways that didn't involve shooting things. She wondered if she'd ever have been promoted to Commander without his guidance.

He probably knew that she loved him, but she wasn't about to ruin what they had by saying it too soon; though she'd known him for over a year, it had only been a few weeks since they'd started seeing each other. Her smile widened as she recalled how nervous he'd been that day. She'd just told him about her promotion, and she hadn't understood why he was behaving so strangely – stammering and looking at the floor. She'd had that effect on men before; she was a lot to handle. But Nihlus had never acted that way around her. Finally he'd made some comment about hoping to keep seeing her even though she didn't need his training anymore, and she'd broken into a grin and demanded to know if he was asking her out.

If she was being honest with herself, she'd been attracted to him for nearly as long as she'd known him. However, she knew where her place was as a soldier, and she never would have dared to proposition anyone who ranked higher than she did – even if he wasn't Alliance military. As risky as it was, they kept the secret fairly well, and the Council had even asked him to go on a mission with her as a sort-of talent scout for the Spectres. If that worked out, and she was confident it would, they could even get a ship together and tour the galaxy. She knew it would still be hard work, but with him by her side she had nothing to fear.

They left early the next morning, and she didn't see him until the briefing. Anderson filled her in, and she tried not to openly admire her the way her favorite turian looked in his new armor. Before she knew it, they were on the ground, and Nihlus went to scout ahead. Not five minutes into the mission, Jenkins was already dead, and Shepard was cursing herself for being so careless. Nihlus would never have let his guard down like that. Would he even be able to convince the Council that she was a worthy candidate for the Spectres now? She cursed herself again. Jenkins had died on her watch, and she was worried about some stupid promotion?

She wasn't about to make the same mistake again. She had to stop thinking about Nihlus and focus on the mission. She and Kaidan shot down a few more drones before they ran across a woman, Ashley, whose squadron had been killed by geth. She joined them and they took down a few more geth. Shepard was in the middle of talking to some of the colonists when she heard a gunshot from nearby. Though they'd had to fight their way in and it was fair to assume Nihlus had done the same, something in Shepard's gut told her this was different. This wasn't a fight, it was a single shot.

"Nihlus, talk to me," she said into her comm.

She waited, but was met only by silence. Kaidan's brow furrowed, but Shepard didn't meet his worried look.

"Come on," she murmured, grip tightening on her assault rifle.

It was only a short walk to reach the train station, and when she saw the crumpled form she froze. She wasn't aware of moving, but her legs carried her forward toward the blue pool where she fell to her knees. She heard herself make a sort of strangled sound as she took his cold hand in her own. His skull was shattered, and he was barely recognizable, but she knew it was Nihlus. She was shaking, trying to hold it together for the sake of the mission, but what did it matter?

Kaidan was pulling her back now, away from the body, and she couldn't bring muscles to move to stop him. She was sobbing, gasping for air and he tried to hold her, but she shoved him back, shaking her head.

After a few minutes, she had collected herself. Her cheeks were still red and tear-stained, but she had stopped crying. She was a soldier, and she was going to act like it.

"Let's get moving."

Fortunately, her reply sounded stronger than she felt as her fists balled at her sides. She could mourn Nihlus later; right now, she needed to find whatever fiend was responsible for taking away the only person she cared about. She was going to make it suffer.

She felt her nails bite into her palms as she stared up at the monstrosity. It was obviously intended to look like a human, but for what purpose, she didn't know. She almost bit clean through her lip, as she once again restrained the scream of rage she'd been holding inside since Eden Prime. If death had done anything to her, it had only pissed her off more. She was going to kill this thing. Not just to prevent it from attacking Earth, not just to avenge the tens of thousands of people who had been abducted and melted into gray paste to feed it, but for Nihlus.

They shot down the support tubes and the human-Reaper collapsed under its own weight. She went to arm the bomb that would destroy the base and every wretched Collector on it, but an incoming transmission from the Illusive Man stopped her.

"Shepard, EDI updated me on your success. Congratulations; you've done the impossible."

"This is sort of a bad time, Jack," she muttered as she configured the explosive with her omni-tool. "I'm getting ready to blow this place sky-high."

"That's what I needed to talk to you about. A timed radiation pulse would kill everything on that base, but leave all the advanced Collector technology untouched. We need this, Shepard."

She turned around to face his hologram, fury etched on her features. "Do you have any idea how many people died at the hands of the Collectors? And all you can think of is scoring some fucking upgrades to your damn terrorist organization."

"How else will we defeat the Reapers, Shepard, if we don't think like them? They have every advantage over us. We need to take whatever opportunities we can to oppose them."

She stared at him for a long moment, eyes narrowed. "Fine," she finally snapped. "Do it. At least those colonists died for a reason."

"Hold on, Shepard, you're not really giving Cerberus a Collector base!" Garrus protested, gesturing to the room around them with one arm.

She glared at him with every ounce of hatred she still held for Saren and the Reapers, and hissed through gritted teeth, "Stand down."

His mouth snapped shut.

As she turned to leave, a loud whirring sound stopped her in her tracks. She behind her as the human-Reaper raised itself up, its mouth glowing orange.

"Fuck."