Chapter 23

When she saw the sender's name, she closed the terminal immediately. Shepard wouldn't open the message at the CIC like normal. She didn't need her crew asking if she was okay after Traynor told them what was in the message, and she sure as hell didn't need the looks of pity. This time she took the elevator up to her cabin, sending a comm to Joker to set a course for the Citadel as the doors opened to the first floor of the Normandy. She headed straight for her desk, opening her private terminal and scanned over Kolyat's message. She breathed a sigh of relief; Thane wasn't doing well, but at least he was still alive. She'd feared it would be too late.

Still, he was dying. Kolyat hadn't given any specifics, but it sounded like Thane might not last the night. She sighed, her face etched with concern as she paced in front of the glowing aquarium. She knew she needed to be there for him. Shepard was very familiar with death, particularly after experiencing her own, but she still didn't handle it well. Since Nihlus had died, she'd had difficulty coping with loss. To see the life of another former crew-member slip away... She knew it would be difficult, but she owed Thane a proper send-off.

It was only a matter of hours before they arrived. When Joker made the announcement that they were approaching the docking bay, she made her way down to the second floor. She knew the look on her face was severe, but she didn't care. It would keep them all from trying to talk to her. Almost all of them.

"Shepard."

Garrus was waiting by the airlock as the engines powered down. She gave him a formal nod in response before turning her full attention to the sealed metal doors before her, but his gaze was still burning a hole in the side of her head.

"Who needs their ass kicked now?"

She glanced at him, feeling a flicker of irritation cross her face. "Excuse me?"

"You've got your Commander face on. You know... The one that says you're about to beat someone senseless."

"So you thought it would be a good idea to volunteer?"

He shrugged. "Just thought you might like some help."

She growled at him, and he gave her a perplexed look, but dropped the subject. Way to go, Shepard, she scolded herself internally. You're a fucking sentient being. People don't make noises like that at each other; you sound like a damn varren.

But really, who did he think he was? Offering to help her, of all people. He should know better. She was Commander Shepard, goddamn it. She didn't need help. Not from him, not from anyone else. It didn't matter if they'd finally managed to have a few civil conversations since starting over with each other; that didn't suddenly make him her best friend, and it certainly didn't mean she was going to ask him for help.

As soon as the door opened, she marched out of the airlock. It hissed as the cabin depressurized, and she stepped out of the collapsible walkway and onto the docking bay. Without pause, she made her way to the elevator, walking quickly enough to elude Garrus in case he needed to go to a different floor also. She stepped into it, pressing the button for the hospital, and turned to see Garrus at her side. Damn turians and their long legs. She glared up at him.

"I'm not following you," he sighed, pressing the button for the holding area.

"Fine."

Wait, why was she angry at him? Did she want him to follow her? Was she that desperate? She definitely didn't want to face Thane alone, but wouldn't she feel worse if she had to rely on someone else than if she kept it to herself? But at least if Garrus were there, she would be able to force herself not to cry. As she felt her resolve crumble, she sighed internally. She really was going to ask for help after all. Well, maybe not in the conventional way.

The doors opened to let him off at the holding area, but before he could exit the elevator, she clicked a button and the doors closed. He stared at her, clearly confused by her behavior, but she refused to look at him. The elevator was moving to a different floor now.

"What was that? Some poor attempt at a prank?"

"No." She closed her eyes and tried to keep her breathing even. The elevator was almost at the hospital, and reality was setting in. She knew Thane might already be dead. She cursed herself for thinking how much easier it would be for her if he was.

"Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on?" he asked, sounding exasperated.

She shook her head. She didn't want to have to say the words, to stow her pride and ask him aloud to come with her. She was afraid he would say no.

"Shepard?"

She stared straight ahead, holding firm.

He grabbed her face, turning it toward him and forcing her to look at him. "Explain. Now."

"Please," she whispered.

He froze at the pained look she gave him, and she used the opportunity to free herself. The doors opened and she stepped out. She still couldn't bring herself to ask him. She fully expected him to remain in the elevator, but instead he followed her hesitantly, as if confused.

Shepard knew the room number. It was burned into her mind with the rest of the words in Kolyat's message. She located it easily, but stopped outside at the sight of him through the glass. He was laying in bed, turned away from her, but she could see the rise and fall of his chest. Shit, she wasn't ready for this.

Garrus had seen him too. "Is he..."

Thankfully, he didn't say the word. She nodded, still staring through the glass.

"I'm sorry."

She knew he hated Thane, but the words sounded sincere enough.

"Me too."

She felt his hand on her shoulder, and made an effort not to cringe away from the touch. This. This was exactly what she didn't want.

"Shouldn't you go inside?" he asked softly.

"Come with me."

She looked up at him, ignoring the burning sensation at the corners of her eyes.

"I don't think that's a good idea," he murmured.

"Why not?"

Damn, she sounded like a stubborn child.

"Shepard, you know as well as I do that he and I were never friends. He doesn't need someone like me in there right now, making this worse for him. He needs you."

She nodded slowly. He was right. This was about Thane, not her. She could pretend to be brave for him. She exhaled deeply, and opened the door.

Thane looked over to her at the sound and smiled. Had she ever seen him smile before?

"I'm glad you made it, Siha."

"So am I," she replied quietly. "I should have come to see you sooner."

"You're here now."

Kolyat, who had been sitting in a chair on the other side of his father, stood and shook her hand.

"Thanks for coming, Commander." He sat back down, looking back to his prayer book to let them talk.

She noticed Thane looking outside the room. "Everything okay?"

"Is that Garrus?"

She sighed. She shouldn't have tried to bring him. "I'm sorry. He won't come in here, I promise. I can send him back to the ship if it's bothering you that he came..."

"Actually, I'd like to speak with him."

She stared at him. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"We are both reasonable people, Siha. I hold no grudges toward him. Will you give us a few moments alone?"

"Uh, yeah. Okay."

She tried to hide her shock as she left the room. Garrus was leaning against the opposite wall. She walked over to him, and he watched her as if calculating her mood.

"He wants to talk to you," she said blankly.

He considered her words for a moment before nodding and walking into the room. She wasn't sure what to expect as she stared through the glass. Garrus' back was turned and it looked like his arms were folded. Thane was talking to him, and she wished she knew what he was saying. It was over soon, and to her surprise, they actually shook hands. Then Garrus poked his head out.

"Shepard, you might want to come in here."

She hurried to comply, and sat on the edge of Thane's bed, grasping one of his hands. He smiled up at her again, and she felt her heart wrench.

Kolyat was saying a prayer, but she wasn't listening. She watched as Thane's eyes closed and his breathing grew more shallow, until finally it stopped. She didn't take her eyes off him until Kolyat had finished the prayer.

"Thank you for getting in touch with me, Kolyat."

The young drell's eyes hadn't left his father's form either. "I know it meant the world to him that you were here."

Maybe she was mistaken, but the grief in his tone sounded strangely close to anger. She released Thane's hand and went back out into the hall, where Garrus was waiting for her.

"Let's go."

She knew her voice was choked, and she didn't want to see his reaction to her current state. She just wanted to get back to her room where she didn't need to be strong for anyone.

Before she could move to leave, a pair of arms was encircling her, and she was surprised to find herself clutching him back fiercely. She was biting her lip, trying to stop herself from shaking, but she couldn't bring herself to care about appearances now. Since when was she okay with openly weeping? Even after Nihlus had been murdered, she'd managed to pull herself together after the shock had worn off. She cared about Thane, but she had never loved him like she had Nihlus. Was she getting soft?

"We were supposed to start over." She pulled back, wiping her tears away, and glared up at him. Why did she always find herself back in his arms?

"This is starting over," he replied.

She cleared her throat, trying to preserve what little dignity she had left. "I should get back to the ship."

She walked away briskly, tears still blurring her vision, but she knew he was still right beside her.

(A/N): Oh, the emotions. I can't promise the following chapters will be much less angsty and/or sappy, but Thane can't die twice, so hopefully no more sobbing Shepard.