She's going to kill them all, Nami decides as she inadvertently crumples the corner of the map she's clenching in her fist. Well, not Vivi and Carue, because they're not doing anything obnoxious. And probably not Chopper either, because he's too cute.

But the rest of them are going to die.

"Why'd I get stuck doing Marimo's laundry?" Sanji whines, peering into the girls' quarters through the open emergency exit - and Nami knows it's the eighth time because she's been counting.

Usopp, staggering under the load of dirty clothes he's attempting to hoist through the ceiling hatch, glares down the cook, who's holding a sweat-stained tank top pinched between his fingers as though it might suddenly crawl up his arm and try to throttle him. "Better Zoro's than Luffy's; it's gonna take me hours to scrub out the food stains!"

He heaves his armload through the opening and hangs from the top mast peg, panting and wiping his forehead with the back of his arm. "But I, Captain Usopp, will defeat the dread laundry demons and return cleanliness to the…"

His dialogue, which everyone is ignoring, fades as he clambers through the hatch.

"Oi, I told you, I'm not sick," Zoro growls at Chopper again from where he's sprawled on Nami's futon, contrary to the fact that he sounds like he's talking through a throat full of gravel, and there's a ripping sound as Nami puts her fingers through the map.

She wonders again exactly why she agreed to let their new doctor use her and Vivi's room as a temporary infirmary while the guys cleaned out what Chopper had referred to as a den of filth. Possibly because he's just trying to do his job, and judging by the stale odor wafting through the emergency exit, she also doesn't blame him for refusing to subject his sensitive nose to the men's quarters until it's had a thorough spring cleaning.

"Nami, why can't Luffy do his own laundry?" Usopp's voice calls down the stairs.

She vividly recalls a deck foaming thigh-high with soap suds as well as the fistfights over whites accidentally dyed pink and reminds herself to breathe. "Just shut up and go help Vivi."

"Luffy's hands need to stay dry or they won't heal," Chopper tells the scowling woman as he slides a mug across the coffee table towards Zoro. "Here, drink this."

"I'm not sick."

"You sound like a goddamn dying bullfrog," Sanji grumbles. "Tell me again, shitty marimo, why were you wandering around naked in a snowstorm?"

"Fuck you, ero-cook! And I wasn't naked!"

"Naked or not," Chopper fusses, "You spent at least an hour walking around in sub-zero temperatures without adequate protection after swimming in a semi-frozen river. Then last night, you drank too much, stripped off your coat to do training exercises in the middle of the night and then fell asleep on the deck! You should have hypothermia, not to mention frostbite!"

He points resolutely at the mug. "Drink."

"I said," Zoro snarls, "I'm not sick."

He glowers at the reindeer so darkly that Chopper gives a squeak of alarm and hides behind Nami's leg, clinging to it and prompting a sputter of jealousy from Sanji, who's watching from the other room.

"Zoro, quit giving Chopper a hard time and just drink the damn stuff already," the navigator hisses. She bets the reindeer's Heavy Point form could probably just hold the combative swordsman down and force the medication down his throat, but Chopper's still too intimidated by his new nakama to try it.

"Why don't you drink it?"

"I'm surrounded by idiots…"

"Nami! I'm borrrrrred." Luffy's whining proceeds him down the stairs as he scoots down them, moving his rear from step to step until his feet dangle centimeters above the floor, because Nami told him he wasn't allowed to set foot in her room without an invitation unless he wanted to find himself tied around Merry's figurehead in a knot. While that sounds pretty exciting in itself, he thinks it'd be awfully hard to eat like that, so he's willing to tempt fate but not actually cross the line.

He peers across the room, grinning when he spots the swordsman and wondering if he can slingshot himself into Zoro's lap without sending the couch through the wall into the men's room. "Oi, is Zoro still sick?"

"I'm not-" Zoro sneezes explosively into his sleeve.

Nami eyes their captain cautiously, betting he's thinking about trying something stupid if she's reading the crafty expression on his face correctly, and decides the sooner she gets the boys back into their own room, the better.

"Luffy," she calls, adding a sweeter note to her voice that ultimately does nothing to influence his behavior but leaves Sanji swooning over the divider with his armload of dirty wash. "Help Chopper give Zoro his medicine?"

"Yosh!" Luffy chirps. He bounces over and picks up the mug that Nami's gesturing at, peers into it, and then upends it into his own mouth.

"Pfft," Zoro snorts, grinning victoriously at Nami and Chopper's shocked expressions. "You didn't tell him he wasn't supposed to-"

He's caught entirely off guard as Luffy leans over and kisses him forcefully, pinching the swordsman's nose shut so he's forced to open his mouth to a warm tongue and a flood of bitter-tasting liquid. He thrashes in protest, but the captain just redoubles his efforts until he's forced to swallow or learn an alternative method of breathing.

Watching Zoro's throat convulse, Nami blinks. "Huh."

She glances down at Chopper, wondering what he's making of this, and finds the doctor gleefully packing his medical supplies back into his bag. "Wow, that was easier than I expected! Although, I better make another dose for Luffy just in case-"

"Marimo! Quit it with that shit! Oi, Nami-san!" Sanji calls, "If you don't want your couch looking like ours, you might want to-"

The navigator realizes with a start that Zoro's not only started enthusiastically returning Luffy's affections but has actually rolled over and pinned the whimpering captain under him. She grabs the swordsman by the ear and pulls until he scrambles up protesting and swearing at her.

Luffy sucks in a lungful of air with a noisy whooping sound. "Gack! That shit tastes awful!"

He gives Nami and Chopper a betrayed look, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Zoro looks equally disgusted, wiping his mouth on the front of his shirt, and Luffy's attention is promptly diverted by the sight of the swordsman's bare stomach. He pounces and clings around Zoro's neck, wrapping his legs around his waist and nudging his chin in hopes of soliciting another kiss.

There's a startled quack from the doorway, and Nami sighs when she looks back to see Carue peering down the stairs, head tilted slightly. The spot-billed duck fluffs his feather, utters a string of quacks and looks expectantly at Chopper.

The reindeer giggles.

"What?"

"Carue wants to know which one's going to lay the eggs."

Nami's eyebrow twitches at the horrifying images this statement conjures, and she shoves Zoro towards the stairs, spurring him on with a sandal-heel to the rear. "Okay, both of you OUT. Go nest somewhere else."