"Son of the Joker"

By Loki Palmer

Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

To texan-muggle's review on Chapter 5, I could only laugh. Reading all these reviews is as entertaining as writing the chapters that inspire them! As odd as it may seem, I do not smoke anything illegal ... maybe it was decided that I should have the crazy Muse, I don't know. Stephen King, for some odd reason, envisioned his Muse as a guy who chomps cigars. I have always envisioned mine as a beautiful woman.

On with the story!

Chapter 6

Harry arrived back in Ragnok's office accompanied by Sirius, James, and Remus.

Ragnok smiled. "Welcome back, Harry. Did you have a good meal and rest?"

"It was wonderful, Your Majesty. Do we have any other business necessary?"

"Aye, that we do ... hmm ... considering that you are the only son of Lord Black, the law permits you to claim Lordship of your House, as well as that of Lord Potter and your other inheritances."

Harry looked up at James. "Are you sure you want to pass up your Lordship to me?"

James smiled. "I'm sure. In view of these witnesses, I, Lord James Charlus Potter, pass my Lordship onto my godson, Harry Damien Diabolitus Black. Will he accept?"

"I will."

James took off his Lordship ring and put it on Harry's finger. "Then receive the Potter Lordship with my blessing, along with the Gryffindor Lordship, for the Potters are the last surviving members of Godric Gryffindor's line."

As the ring went onto Harry's finger, a red and gold phoenix fire surrounded him, signifying that the Potter Magic had accepted its new Lord.

Sirius took off his Lordship ring. "It is time, son, for the magic of Lord Black to pass on. Besides you, I never had any other children, and I never will, thanks to the years in Camp Hell on Earth ... not only did the Dementors there crack my sanity, the prolonged exposure to them made me sterile. Having said this, I, Lord Sirius Orion Black, pass my Lordship onto my son, Lord Harry Damien Diabolitus Black Potter. Oooh ... a Black Potter ..." he chuckled, "I like the sound of that ..."

As Harry put on this second ring, black, green, and silver flames joined the red and gold ones. When the fire disappeared, his height had grown to his Father's level and his physique had grown from skinny to well toned.

"Padfoot, I have a quick question."

"What's that, Two Face?"

"How do we expect to keep the fangirl mobs away from him while we are shopping for his clothes?"

Sirius grinned. "Two Face, my dear friend, that is just half the fun!" He had himself a maniacal cackle as Harry's face blanched in terror.

"Padfoot," said Remus, "have a heart ... you're scaring Harry."

"Why should this scare you, son? Have you never faced fangirls before?"

"Not in mobs, Dad ... and besides, during my first two years at Hogwarts, I was young. You know ... I had not hit puberty yet."

"Well, now that you have hit puberty, you have much to learn about ... females ... the hormones ... giggity .. and everything else that goes along with them. Why don't they teach about this in Hogwarts, Two Face?"

"I think they decide to leave it up to the parents, Siri."

"It makes sense ... we don't want hormonal teenagers shagging at every opportunity that presents itself. Although they will go on the Broom Closet Tour sooner or later, so it would be best that the parents teach them before their hormones start kicking.

Now, son, puberty is the time of life when these hormones – for lack of a better term, chemicals – will run amok in your body, preparing it for adulthood and mating. We males have a hormone called testosterone, which builds up our body, our facial hair, acne – have to watch for that, son – hair downstairs, and so forth. Let's not forget it also inspires the sex drive.

As for the females, they have estrogen, which will build out their chests, making these wonderful pillows we men know as boobs, widen out their hips for childbearing, and start off the monthly bitch called the menstrual cycle. The womb, where the child will grow for nine months, builds up its tissue in expectation of receiving a fertilized egg. The female ovary releases one egg each month, which floats down the Fallopian tube to the womb. If the male sperm fertilize it, you will have a baby growing there. If not, it will go away, along with the extra tissue lining. This is called menstruation, and it's a bitch for us, because we have to put up with their pain. Lily told me that the pain was similar to taking a baseball bat to your balls."

"Ouch," the others said.

"Yep. Now, regarding male anatomy, we have your Union Jack – oops, meant to say penis – and your balls – testes. The balls produce the sperm, and the penis delivers it. The process of delivering it - known as sex, giggity, and many other terms – is simple. Insert your sword into the female's sheath, and repeat as often as desired. I won't go into the details of how many positions are available. I'm sure Hermione will – ahem – educate you on that subject ... giggity ..."

"I'm sure you will enjoy it, Harry," he heard her thinking to him.

"Hermione, are you listening to this conversation?"

"Not listening per se ... but your thoughts are echoing the contents to me."

Harry put his head in his hands. "Oy ... Dad, did you know that Hermione can hear this conversation?"

Sirius chuckled. "It would not surprise me, son. Well, if Hermione can hear this, here are two more words on the subject of positions: Kama Sutra."

"The Kama what?" thought Harry.

"Oh, my word, Harry! You've never heard of the Kama Sutra?"

"No, should I have?"

"If my research serves me right, it is a manual written in India ... and it's chock full of sex positions. Interesting ... you and I could read it sometime ... why, Harry ... are you blushing?"

"Tomato red, no thanks to you, Hermione,"

He could hear her laugh. "You are welcome for that, dearest Harry. I shall have to see if Parvati can buy us a copy."

"Thanks a lot for that suggestion, Dad!"

"Harry, my dear son ... thank Hermione when she will be giving you the best giggity of your life one day, for the brainiest witches have a tendency to be the naughtiest."

~SON OF THE JOKER~

As the theme to "Austin Powers" played, the quartet arrived at Harrod's in a limo, then shopped with a mob of fangirls running after them ...

Author's Note: Hilarious, eh? Hope you liked it. Read and review!

Smiles,

Loki Palmer