"Whew!" Usopp sighs as he drops onto the bench seat beside the crew's newest member, fumbling briefly with his mug and nearly dumping its contents in his own lap when he leans over to nudge the cook's arm with drunken familiarity. "So many people wanna - hic! - hear about the heroic exploits of Captain Usopp- all that talking's thirsty work!"

"Hmm?" Sanji, leaning forward with both elbows on the table and his chin resting on his laced fingers, doesn't tear his gaze away from where Nami's seated with her sister several yards away, both girls flushed pink and giggling with their arms draped around each other's shoulder.

"Whatcha doin' over here anyway?" Usopp demands, plucking at the older man's sleeve. "They just brought out more food 'n' booze 'n' stuff but it's not gonna - hic! - last long when Luffy-"

Nojiko says something that makes Nami throw back her head with helpless laughter, and the sniper scowls as he realizes that the cook's completely ignoring him. "Oi-"

"My goddess of navigation," Sanji sighs, his mouth curling into a decidedly dopey smile.

"Huh?"

"She's not just beautiful and talented- she's got the sweetest voice I've ever heard..."

"Who?" Usopp frowns, puzzled. "I don't know any girls like that- 'cept Kaya, of course, but she's not-"

"Nami-san, you idiot!"

"What, her?" The younger pirate asks incredulously, gesturing at the tipsy red-head. He upends his mug, swallowing noisily, and wipes his mouth with his forearm, ignoring the remaining drops of alcohol that spatter his overalls. "Ha, forget it. Captain Usopp's already got women - two hundred and fifty-five to be exact - begging for him to abandon his adventures and settle d-"

"Are you blind, man?" Sanji interrupts, looking highly perturbed, as though he finds the sniper's lack of interest offensive. "How the hell can you look on that perfection and not feel like you've been struck by the hammer of love?"

"She's certainly got fists like hammers," Usopp mutters, having already been on the receiving end of said fists frequently enough to earn a healthy respect for the navigator's quick temper.

"What was that?" The blond hisses, glaring at him.

"N-Nothing."

"Oh well, I suppose I should be glad." The cook's scowl fades slightly. "If you're not interested, then I've got one less rival for her affections."

"Rival-? Who-?"

"And definitely not the captain- I don't think that guy would know what to do with a woman, much less a lady like Nami-san," Sanji muses. "So my only serious competition's gotta be the first mate, right? That green-haired muscle-head with the swords- Roronoa-"

He's startled when Usopp makes a strangled noise somewhere between shock and amusement.

"What? What the hell's so funny?"

"Zoro wouldn't touch Nami with a ten-foot pole. Besides, he's, ah, kinda spoken for already."

"... interesting. So, do I say congratulations or punch you for the two hundred and fifty-five ladies you've been stringing along?" Sanji asks dryly, and the sniper's mouth drops open, his empty mug hitting the ground and rolling under the bench.

"No, I didn't mean me!" He exclaims, wrinkling his nose. "I don't go for guys- I definitely like girls!"

"Well, who else-"

"Luffy! Zoro's with Luffy!"

"You're shitting me. The captain and the-" A thought- several thoughts, actually, occur to the cook, and his surprised expression relaxes into a smirk. "Right, sure. You tell a lot of bullshit stories, doncha? I heard some of that crap you were jabbering about how you saved our asses from those damn fishmen earlier today. "

He rises to his feet, dusting off his suit jacket, and ignoring his crewmate's protests. "I bet that Marimo put you up to this, wanted me to let my guard down so I thought he wasn't a threat to my happiness with Nami-san. Well, guess what- you're a really shitty liar."

"S-Sanji, I'm not-"

"Where the hell is that frickin' swordsman, anyway? I haven't seen him or Luffy since that doctor-"

Usopp coughs and makes a crude but unmistakable gesture with his thumb and forefinger and the middle finger of his opposite hand, and the cook smacks him, glancing hurriedly around to make sure that no sensitive female eyes have witnessed such an offensive sight.

"Ow! I'm serious- they're probably banging in the doctor's clinic or something. Fighting always gets 'em really fired up, but at least we're not on the ship tonight, so I don't gotta share a room with them. Last time, I didn't get any sleep- see, they busted the springs in the sofa, so it kept making this god-awful squeaking sound, and Luffy wouldn't stop talking about what they were doing the whole damn time and the noise kept me up all-"

"Cut the crap!" Sanji snarls, slamming his hand down on the table. "Even if the captain and his first mate really were bumping uglies, which I can guarantee they're not 'cause you couldn't tell a lie to save your life, they both got the shit kicked out of them today. We all did. Nobody's in any shape to pull any more stunts, much less go at it like a couple of fucking catamounts in heat."

"Fine, don't believe me," the sniper mutters, sliding from his seat and heading unsteadily back towards the buffet table and another drink. "Just don't expect any sympathy from me if you get more of an eyeful than you expected."

xxx

"Shitty liar," Sanji grumbles again, fuming as he stomps away from the crowded square, leaving behind the firelight and the villagers' drunken shouts for Captain Usopp to continue his bold tales. "Shitty liar full of stupid shitty stories."

He's fairly sure the sniper's correct about one thing at least- considering the massive sword wound on his chest from his botched confrontation with Hawk-Eyes and the additional injuries he received during their battle with Arlong and his crew, Roronoa's undoubtedly still in bed. Out of commission, and if the former bounty hunter's goofy friends Johnny and Yosaku are to be believed, probably sleeping it off.

Couple of crackpots, breaking into obnoxious guffaws and titters when he demanded they tell him their older friend's whereabouts, babbling something about polishing swords - pure bullshit, because Sanji knows damn well that two of the swordsman's three katana have been broken - before assuring him that he'll find his wayward nakama tucked safely into bed and then running off with tears of laughter in their eyes when the irritated blond accused them of being in on the sniper's shitty joke.

Upon arriving at the clinic doorstep, he doesn't bother knocking and just shoves his way inside, shouting for the goddamn moss-head to stop screwing around and challenge him directly for the navigator's affections. He doesn't care that he's making a racket; everybody else is busy enjoying themselves and getting smashed, so it's not like he's disturbing anybody important.

He supposes he ought to feel guilty disturbing the other man's rest, but with Nami-san's honor at stake-!

In fact, the cook's making so much noise himself that he doesn't catch the murmur of lowered voices and badly muffled gasps. "Oi, idiot Marimo, how dare y-!"

At first, he's not quite sure what he's seeing, because the single occupied bed's filled with squirming, writhing flesh that resembles something like a mass of earthworms, and then his dazed brain starts to connect the dots and process the fact that he's looking at two people entwined in such an impossible and inexplicable sexual position that he can't even tell which limbs belong to whom.

"What the- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?"

There's a startled curse, and Sanji watches both his nakama crash to the floor as Zoro attempts to dive for cover and fails to extricate himself from the stretchy arms and legs and-

Oh dear god, the flabbergasted blond thinks, hastily averting his eyes, because if that other... thing... is really what it looks like-

He's hoping he's wrong, but considering where the extra appendage was anchored in the brief glimpse he got before frantically refocusing his gaze on the nearby window, its identity is pretty unmistakable, and Sanji knows he's never, ever, ever going to be able to watch the rubber man utilize his Akuma no Mi abilities again without recalling this moment, because that brief glimpse has seared itself into his memory. Gah! It's true! It's totally true- what's been seen can never be unseen!

Later, he'll tease the swordsman mercilessly about this whole encounter, but for now he's too shocked by the realization that he's walked in on his male crewmates. Screwing each other. SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Not- not physically possible, but that's what-! Must- go look at breasts- scour this moment from my brain!

"WH-WHAT THE FUCK?" Zoro roars, face blazing crimson as he pops back up with Luffy still draped over him like a second skin, snaking limbs wrapped securely around him. The embarrassed swordsman's eyes dart towards Wado where it's leaning casually against the wall by the bed, as though he's briefly considering whether or not he can eliminate the intruder without being impeded by the body pressed snuggly against his own. He settles for yanking the bed sheet loose from the mattress and dragging it loosely around their waists in a well-intentioned but horribly belated attempt at modesty. "GET OUT!"

"Hi, Sanji!" The captain calls, ignoring his enraged lover - holy shit, HOLY SHIT, Usopp was telling the TRUTH - and snapping one arm back to normal so he can wave cheerfully at the cook. "Give me and Zoro a few more minutes, and we'll be out, okay?"

With that, he promptly dismisses the blond's presence and hooks a finger in the bandages encircling Zoro's torso, tugging the wrappings aside as he nuzzles his nose against the older pirate's collarbone, trying to lick the edge of the freshly stitched wound and grinning when his touch draws a faint growl.

"O-Oi," Sanji protests weakly, taking a step back. "Aren't you both still injured?"

That disturbs him more than anything else, he thinks: he doesn't particularly care that they're both guys, or that they're captain and first mate - well, at least he assumes Roronoa's the first mate, considering Usopp didn't dispute the title earlier - or even that they're obviously into some pretty kinky shit. It's the idea that they're completely unfazed by and dismissive of the wounds that rightly should have killed them, enough so that they either haven't noticed or don't care that Luffy's dressings are peeling loose or that they've left dark bloodstains on the hospital bed's fitted sheet.

"Brilliant skills of observa- mmph!" Zoro twitches, nostrils flaring as the tongue exploring his pectoral darts out to flicker against the nipple that's been left miraculously unscathed by the laceration dividing his chest. "Oi, Luffy, knock it off- that asshole's still standing there!"

"Shishishi... maybe Sanji wants to stay and watch?" The captain lifts his head, and the cook's horrified objection emerges as an unmanly squeak of protest when he sees the crimson smear at the corner of Luffy's mouth and the way the younger pirate's pupils are constricted to pinpricks.

To Sanji's consternation - the situation's just gone from odd to downright surreal, because he swears they look like they might start brawling even though they're still intimately connected - GAH! Don't think about it! Think about breasts! Big beautiful bountiful bouncing breasts! - Zoro doesn't bat an eye at the sight of his own blood, just fixes the rubber man with a foreboding glare.

"Forget it," he snarls, pushing forcefully on the younger pirate's face in a futile attempt to free himself, and the tense moment dissolves with the ensuing comical stretching noise. "That's enough for tonight- now get off me, you idiot!"

"Zoro~!" Luffy whines against the palm smashed over his mouth, tightening his grasp and wriggling provocatively, and when the swordsman utters a low, throaty rumble and drops the sheet he's holding to clutch forcefully at the captain's hips, staggering slightly as he struggles to keep his knees from buckling, Sanji calmly turns and exits, closing the door quietly behind him.

Blank-faced, he leans against the side of the building, fumbling clumsily for a cigarette and trying to figure out what the hell he's gotten himself into, agreeing to join a crew with such a bunch of weird-

"Ah, Sanji-kun, what are you doing here? You missed the last round of toasts."

"N-Nami-san?" Oh shit, I've gotta get her away from here before-

He cringes, dropping his matches, as the captain abruptly moans Roronoa's name in an unmistakably sexual tone and Zoro answers with an equally ardent growl. Think quick, damn it! Any reasonable excuse will do, just don't let this pure, innocent angel discover what's going on behind that-!

Nami raises an eyebrow, and the cook, opening his mouth to blurt out that he's pretty sure that Luffy and Zoro are busy fighting, possibly dying - anything BUT screwing each other senseless - and really shouldn't be disturbed, finds himself speechless at the smirk surfacing on his female crewmate's face.

"Mmm, that explains why I haven't seen those two for a while. I hope they don't break anything this time- Usopp won't stop fussing about the damn sofa, and Zoro already owes me for repairing that crack they put in the bath tub."

As though her very words have prompted catastrophe, there's a loud crash, followed by the swordsman's sharp, scolding tone for the captain to "be more careful, damn it-!" and Luffy laughing and assuring the older pirate that he'll try, but it's really hard to control his Gomu Gomu powers when "Zoro's making that face like he's gonna explode any second."

Zoro's angry retort that he's making no such expression cuts short, replaced by harsh panting and the rubber man's triumphant exclamation that yes, that's exactly the one he means.

"Boys," the navigator sighs. "I'm pretty sure that sounded like the bed frame snapping. Don't you think so, Sanji-kun?"

"...!" The blond replies helpfully.

"Oh well, at least this way they're not wrecking the ship. If we're lucky, Doctor Nako will be too hung over tomorrow morning to notice, and we'll be long gone by the time he does, so I won't have to pay him for the damages." Nami snorts - Sanji's a bit startled at the unladylike sound, but she's his goddess of navigation, which means he's willing to make allowances - and grabs the blushing cook by the jacket cuff. "C'mon, we'd better get back and fill our plates before they finish up, or there'll be nothing left. Luffy's already bad enough about stuffing his face when he's hungry, but he's like a bloody bottomless pit after sex."

"B-But-!"

"Quit dragging your feet! And why do you look like you've been hit by a ton of bricks, anyway? I know Usopp and Johnny and Yosaku all told you to leave them alone, so it's your own damn fault for walking in on it. At least you had somebody to warn you- nobody told me I'd be stuck listening to those horny idiots groping each other in a leaky boat in the middle of the ocean. At least I've got my own room on the Merry now, and they usually quiet down if I bang on the floor when they're getting too noisy, but I'd strongly advise knocking whenever you want to use the bathroom. Or get something from the storage-"

The navigator drags him towards the town square, explaining blithely that he'd also best avoid the crow's nest when either the swordsman or the captain is supposed to be on watch.

"-but at least Zoro's got insanely fast reflexes, so you can usually count on him to drop whatever he's doing in a pinch, like the time we got attacked while he and Luffy were messing around, and he came flying out of the anchor room wearing nothing but his bandana. Probably shocked the hell out of those Marines- I know it surprised me. Would you believe that green hair's actually natural?"

That BASTARD, Sanji thinks darkly, casting a menacing glare back over his shoulder.

xxx

When their crewmates finally emerge and join the celebration, Luffy launching an immediate and merciless assault on the loaded buffet table as Zoro parks himself near the barrels of alcohol with a mug in each hand, the cook drops onto the opposite bench and glowers menacingly at the other pirate.

"What the hell's your problem, Swirly-brow?"

"Your face, Marimo."

They're snarling insults and trading blows when Nami approaches and clobbers them both, sending Zoro's sword spinning out of his hand and Sanji nose-first into the dirt. "Cool it, both of you! You're ruining the mood!"

"N-Nami-san- Nami-san just hit me..." The blond watches the navigator's retreating back with wide eyes, but before the smirking swordsman can open his mouth to say something degrading, the cook's leaping up and racing after the red-head, his lower half whirling like a tornado. "Nami-swan~! Nami-swan's fists of love-!"

"Jeez," Zoro mutters, scowling unhappily at the layer of dust settling on the liquid still inside his mug. "What a fucking weirdo, getting off on shit like that."