Whew! Sorry that took so long! With the 4th of July and all the other summer plans, I've really only had time to write at night. Anyway, PLEASE review; I love to hear your thoughts!
Chapter 13
A month went by. It was now mid July, and Mrs. Merriman and the children went to Grandfather's plantation for a few weeks. Even though he had been dead for a good six years, they still went as a sort of vacation from everyday life. Besides, Mrs. Merriman liked to see her old friends that she had grown up with. Mr. Merriman and Ben would join them for a week later into their stay, and until they did, Felicity and her siblings entertained themselves by riding horses, playing/sitting by the river, walks into the woods, and playing battledore and shuttlecock on the lawn. Occasionally, one of Mother's old friends would come for dinner, and Felicity, Nan, and William had to sit in the dining room with the adults and listen to their conversation. Felicity answered when she was spoken to and occasionally brought up a story that related to the conversation, but kept her opinions to herself. Mother's friends seemed impressed by her manners, and even more impressed on how she had grown. The nice thing, Felicity thought, was that these people had known her since birth and had always thought that she and her siblings were perfectly lovely children. No catty, gossiping women like back in Williamsburg.
The days rolled by leisurely. Everybody did what they wanted with no responsibility. One day, Felicity and William went down to the cemetery by themselves to put more flowers on Grandfather's grave. After doing so, they sat next to it in silence for a while. Finally, Felicity said, "It still isn't the same without him." William just nodded. "You don't really remember him, do you?" she asked. He shrugged. "I remember him a little," he said. "But not really enough to miss him like you and Nan do."
"You were only four," she said. Then she sighed. "He loved this place. He loved the land, the horses, the people, and most of all, us."
"Do you still miss him?" he asked. She nodded. "In a fond way, though," she said. "No more grieving. After all, it's been six years. Now we can just remember the happy times we had with him and smile." She then smiled. "I remember the summer Ben tried to run away and was hiding in the woods just over there." She nodded towards the nearby woods. "That was enough to turn Grandfather against him for life! The two never really did get along, though they only met a couple of times."
"I don't remember that," said William. "Ben actually tried to run away? Why?"
"He had his heart set on joining the army," Felicity explained. "Even when he was just fifteen. When he came back, Father agreed to let him go once he turned eighteen."
"So that's how that came about," he said. "All I remember is him always looking forward to his eighteenth birthday, and then eventually the day he left."
"Speaking of which," she said. "What do you think of him?" William looked at her. "What do you mean?"
"What do you think of him?" she repeated. "Has he seemed different to you since he came home?"
"I don't really remember him much before then," he answered. "I like him just fine. It's nice to not be the only boy in the family." He smiled. "I do remember that he used to sometimes play with my toy soldiers with me when I was little. And he used to make Polly laugh by tickling her feet when she was a baby. Why do you ask? Do you not like him?" Felicity shook her head. "It's not that I don't like him," she said. "It's just that ever since he came home, I feel like he's been very stand-offish. He can be very short and snippy, and then out of the blue, he teaches me how to spit. He's very hard to read." William frowned. "He taught you how to what?" he asked. Felicity shook her head. "Never mind," she said. "I guess I just miss the boy I used to know. I miss being able to talk to him about anything and everything. Now when I try, he just gives me a short answer and goes back to whatever he's doing." William grinned. "Perhaps he likes you," he said. "And he's just being shy around you because of that." Felicity raised an eyebrow. "Somehow, I highly doubt it," she said. Then she shook her head again. "I don't know. He's just very hot-and-cold." William was quiet, then said, "Well, I haven't noticed anything. I think he's a good man."
"He's a good man deep down," she agreed. "He's got a hard exterior, though, and I can't break through it. It annoys me. But I suppose that there are more important things to worry about." William grinned and stood up. "Such as the fact that I'm going to beat you back to the house?" Felicity grinned back and also stood up. "I don't think so!" she laughed, taking off after him. "William! Get back here!"
"You can go faster than that!" William yelled over his shoulder. "Come on! You're making this far too easy!" She sighed and hitched up her skirts, then ran to catch up with her brother, letting her thoughts of Ben fly into the wind behind her.
When they got back, Mr. Merriman and Ben had arrived. Naturally, all of the children were excited to see their father, and Polly became Ben's shadow. Over the past six months, she had grown quite fond of him and followed him everywhere. For some reason, though, she still called him "Mr. Davidson". After greeting her father with a big hug, she tugged on Ben's hand, wanting to show him the river. "Polly!" said Mrs. Merriman. "Your father and Ben just got here; let them get settled."
"Later, Polly," Ben promised, and she grinned up at him. Felicity and Nan hugged their father hello, and he kissed the top of their heads. "And how are my lovely girls?" he asked.
"We're fine," answered Nan for both of them.
"We're glad you're here," Felicity added. "Wait until you see the horses! Especially last year's foals! They have gotten ever so big!"
"And the Wentworths have stopped by every now and then," said Nan. "They asked about you."
"And Felicity and I put some fresh flowers on Grandfather's grave," said William. "She and Polly picked them earlier."
"And I lost my first tooth!" added Polly, opening her mouth so that he could see. He smiled. "I see," he said. "That's quite an accomplishment, Polly!" She beamed with pride. Felicity smiled. "I once lost a tooth in a cup of tea," she recalled. "It was my first day at Miss Manderly's. My goodness, I remember how mortified I was! I wonder if Elizabeth still remembers that."
"I lost a tooth in my stew once," said William. "I never did find it."
"Well, congratulations, Polly," said Mr. Merriman. "My goodness, you are growing up fast, aren't you?" She beamed again. Then Mrs. Merriman kissed her husband hello. "I'm glad you're here," she said. "Felicity and Nan have been a big help with the younger ones, but tis nice that you and Ben are here too."
"The house is too quiet without all of you," he said. "A couple of men don't exactly give it much life."
"Especially considering who one of those men are," thought Felicity, her eyes flicking to Ben. "Well, you must be tired," said Mrs. Merriman. "Here, I'll help you take your things upstairs." She and Father left, and William and Polly escaped outside to see what kind of insects they could catch. That just left Felicity, Nan, and Ben. He just stood there looking around, and the sisters eyed each other. They could both tell what the other was thinking: "Is he going to say anything?" To break the silence, Felicity said, "You haven't been here in a while." Ben looked at her. "No," he said. "Not since the summer before I left."
"Five long years ago," she remarked. He just nodded. The two sisters glanced at each other again. "Well," said Nan. "I'll bet you're tired. They prepared a room for you, if you'd like to go up." He nodded. "All right," he agreed.
"I'll show you up," Felicity offered. "Come on."
Soon they reached the room upstairs. "Here it is," she said. "Tis bigger than a stable loft, that's for sure." He nodded again. "Thank you," he said. She awkwardly stood in the doorway. "Do you need anything?" she asked. He turned to her and frowned a little. "No," he answered slowly. "Why would I?" She felt her face flush. "I- I don't know," she stammered. "I was just trying to be helpful."
"Well, I'm fine," he said. "Thank you." He turned back away, and she got the message that he wanted her to leave. Rolling her eyes at his back, she just said, "I suppose I'll see you at supper," and went back downstairs.
Ben was stand-offish the whole time. His coldness was starting to really get to Felicity. She didn't understand. How could he come home and be so embracing and friendly, then the next week not say more than two words to her? How could he snap at her for the littlest thing one day, then teach her how to spit the next? She complained about this to Nan one evening as they played battledore and shuttlecock. "I just don't understand him," she said as she served, the shuttlecock swinging into a graceful arc over their heads until it kissed Nan's racquet. Then it repeated the movement as Nan returned Felicity's serve. "He was never like this before."
"He's so gentle with the younger ones," agreed Nan as it came back towards her. She missed, then picked it up and served it again. "But with us-especially you-he's so..."
"Cold," said Felicity. "Something is wrong; I just can't figure out what. All I know is that he is driving me crazy."
"Lots of people say that war changes a person," said Nan. "Perhaps that's it."
"Elizabeth thinks he's like a spring crocus that needs to realize it's spring and bloom again," said Felicity, swinging at the shuttlecock and missing. "I don't know, though. He's so up and down, like spring weather. Sunny one day and rainy the next."
"Well," said Nan. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. Tis just Ben, after all. He will be gone in a year and a half, and then we won't have to worry about him anymore."
"Won't have to worry about who anymore?" asked a voice. The girls turned, and there stood Ben himself, Polly in tow. "Um-uh-" Felicity stammered. Luckily, Nan was a quick thinker. "William," she answered. "When he gets older. Then we won't have to worry about him getting himself into trouble." Ben looked skeptical, but he didn't say anything. "What have you two been up to?" asked Felicity. Polly grinned. "I wanted to show Mr. Davidson the river," she said. "Tis the finest river in the world, isn't it, Mr. Davidson?" "Mr. Davidson" smiled a little and looked down at her. "Aye, Polly," he agreed. "That it is." He then looked at the older Merriman girls. "And what are you two up to?" Nan held up her racquet. "Battledore and shuttlecock," she replied. Then she glanced at the setting sun. "I should probably go in, though. I'm getting tired. Would you like to take my place?" He hesitated a minute, glanced at Felicity, then accepted her racquet. "I have to warn you," he said to Felicity. "I haven't played in ages."
"That's all right," she said. "I don't mind." Nan took Polly by the hand. "Come on, Polly, tis time for bed."
"But I want to watch!" Polly protested. "Perhaps tomorrow," said Nan. "Now come along." She led her little sister inside, leaving Ben and Felicity to their game. Felicity served the shuttlecock gently, and Ben hit it back effortlessly. She reached up to hit it back and missed. She smiled a little. "That was good," she complimented. He just shrugged. "Lucky, I guess," he said. She served it again, and soon they had a good volley going. After a while, she remarked, "Polly has certainly grown attached to you." He smashed the shuttlecock back to her, which she missed again. "She's like your little shadow."
"I can't figure out why," he said.
"Because you're a novelty to her," she said, serving it again. "She never knew you before you left." He hit it back. "Maybe," he said as she lunged for it and actually hit it back. For once, he missed. "She doesn't bother you, does she?" asked Felicity, preparing for his serve. The shuttlecock swung into a graceful arc towards her. "No," answered Ben. "She reminds me a little of you, when you younger. She looks like you used to."
"You didn't know me when I was six," she pointed out. He shook his head. "Doesn't matter," he said. "There are still the similarities." She was quiet, then remarked, "She's the one you've been the most friendly towards since you've come home." He looked at her and frowned. "What do you mean?"
"You're very gentle with Polly," she said. "And friendly with William. But to Nan and me, you don't really say much anymore."
"Nan and I were never exactly best friends," he said.
"But you and me," she said. "I just feel bad, sometimes. You never talk to me anymore, or at least not really. Not like you used to."
"What's there to say?" he asked. She rolled her eyes. "Never mind," she said, serving again. "I just-I don't know if-well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, is something wrong? You've been acting strangely ever since you came back." He frowned. "How so?"
"You seem so distant," she said. "Cold. Bitter."
"Nothing is wrong," he said. "And I'm not being cold or bitter."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "You just don't seem like your old self." He shook his head. "Don't worry about me, Felicity," he said. "I'm fine. Does there have to be something wrong if one doesn't feel like talking?" She looked down. "No," she admitted. "I suppose not." Then she looked back up at him and grinned. "Come on. I'll bet I can beat you by the time the sun goes down." He glanced at the setting sun, then grinned back a little. "I'll take that bet," he said. Felicity served it, and soon the two were hitting it back and forth, faster and faster. Ben won every time.
A couple of months went by. It was now October, nearing Ben's twenty-third birthday and Elizabeth and Caleb's first wedding anniversary. It was a pleasant autumn evening at supper when Mr. Merriman said, "Well, we have some news for you." Felicity looked up. This could be interesting. Mrs. Merriman looked at her children. "Do you remember your great aunt Ellen?" she asked. "Who came to visit about three years ago?" They nodded. "She passed away last Friday," she said sadly. This drew a chorus of "ohhh"'s. "I'm sorry to hear that," said Nan.
"I'm sorry too, Mother," said Felicity. Mother smiled sadly. "Thank you, my dears," she said.
"Anyway," continued Father. "We will have to leave in two days for the funeral."
"How long will you be gone?" Polly inquired.
"Only a week," he replied. "And while we're gone, Ben, Felicity-" Said people looked up. "You two are in charge."
"What?" William protested.
"You heard him," said Felicity smugly. "Can you do that, Ben?" asked Mr. Merriman. "Be the man of the house for a week?"
"Aye, sir," he agreed.
"Felicity?" asked Mrs. Merriman.
"Absolutely," her daughter answered, though inside she was thinking, "Wonderful. I get Mr. Stick-in-the-Mud for a week."
"And the rest of you," Father continued. "You'll need to help them to make sure things run smoothly."
"Can I work with Ben at the store?" asked William excitedly. His father nodded. "Me too?" asked Polly.
"Unless Lissie and Nan need you," said Mother. Felicity saw Nan whisper something to Polly, who giggled. Their parents smiled. "What's so amusing?" asked Father.
"Nothing," they both lied.
"It must be something," said Mother. "Polly is turning purple with laughter." Polly tried to disguise it as a cough, but it instead came out a fit of giggles. Her eyes flicked to Ben, then Felicity, which led to an even worse fit. Nan smiled calmly. "All I said was that being man and wi-um, woman of the house may give Ben and Felicity more time together. They really haven't had much of late." Polly still tried to retain her laughs. Felicity glanced at Ben. He looked uncomfortable, which was exactly how she felt. "Maybe they will," said Mrs. Merriman, looking at them kindly. Felicity wanted to sink under the table for the rest of the evening.
"But Mother," she complained later that night as the two were clearing the table. "I don't want to be left running the house with just Ben!" Mrs. Merriman looked up. "Why not?" she asked.
"Because," said Felicity. "He's not-and I don't-I won't be-he's so-ugh!" Though she couldn't string together a sentence, her mother knew exactly what she was trying to say. "Well, you'll still have the children,"'she said. "Truthfully, you'll all be running the house. You and Ben will only be in charge because you're the oldest."
"But it will be awkward!" Felicity protested. Mother smiled a little. "Tis just Ben, dear," she said. "You've known him since you were nine years old. You two have always gotten along well."
"Not anymore," said Felicity. "Ever since he's come back, he's been so quiet and cold, especially towards me, though Nan sees it too. I don't like it." Mother sighed. "The past five years have been rough on him," she said. "He's seen war-torn towns, blood and gore, loss of limb, though thankfully not his own, and death all around him. That's enough to turn even you cold, Lissie."
"But it's been a year since all of that," pointed out Felicity. "And he's still bitter."
"He's not bitter," said Mrs. Merriman. "And he's not necessarily cold, either. But war changes people. I just think he isn't very happy, is all."
"Then what will make him happy?"
Mother smiled sadly. "I can't say, dear," she said. "Maybe just an act of kindness or love and compassion. Truthfully, I can see why he's acting this way. Most of his friends are gone; they've either gotten married and moved away or have been killed, and when one almost dies himself..." Felicity looked up. "What do you mean?" Her mother sighed. "That fever that he had," she explained. "It nearly killed him. First when he was shot, then at home from that deadly fever. His family didn't think he was going to live. Twas by the pure grace of God that he survived, and even more so, is not crippled. At least not physically."
"Was it all because of when he was shot?" asked Felicity. Mrs. Merriman nodded. "After that," she said. "He was so weak that all the exposure to the elements and fatigue finally caught up with him, making him extremely vulnerable to disease. And that, on top of his arm, caused a deadly fever." Felicity was silent. She had known that Ben had been ill, but she didn't know it had been that bad. "Well," she finally said. "If I were him, I'd just cry about it and stuff myself with ginger cake." Mother smiled. "He's not you, Lissie," she said. "I think he'll warm up, though, just wait and see."
"Now you sound like Elizabeth,"said Felicity with a grin.
Two days later, Mother and Father left. "Be good," they told the children. "We'll be fine," Felicity assured them, though she felt more like she was assuring herself. "Don't worry about us." Mother smiled. "I'm not worried," she said. "I know you'll exceed my expectations. Besides, you'll have Rose to help out too."
"I know," said Felicity. Her mother kissed her forehead, then proceeded to do the same to her other three children. "We'll be back soon," promised Father, helping her into the carriage. They waved, and then they were off. After the carriage was out of sight, they all stopped waving. "Well," said Felicity. "Now that that is done, we should do the breakfast dishes."
"And we should be getting to the store," said Ben. Felicity and Nan started heading towards the house, and Ben and William started towards the store. Polly stayed in the middle. "Wait!" she cried. Both parties turned. "This is the part where Mother wishes Father a good day and he kisses her."
"Well, Mother and Father just left," said Felicity. "So I don't think that is likely to happen."
"But you two are taking their place, aren't you?" asked Polly. Felicity looked at Ben nervously. "That doesn't mean we have to, Polly," she said.
"Still," said the stubborn six-year-old. "That is the way it always happens. Mr. Davidson is supposed to kiss you." Felicity actually felt her stomach flip as her middle siblings started giggling. Ben closed his eyes. "No, Polly," he said through gritted teeth. "That is not going to happen."
"It's what Mother and Father do everyday," said Polly firmly.
"Well, I'm not your father," said Ben. "And Felicity is not your mother." She gave him a look that said, "Just do it!" He rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. He kissed his hand and pressed it rather firmly to Felicity's cheek. It wasn't a slap by any means, but it wasn't exactly a loving, lingering gesture. "There. Now good day."
"And to you," said Felicity coolly. Then the boys and the girls went their separate ways for the day.
The rest of the day went relatively smoothly. Ben and William went to work, and Felicity and Nan (with some help from Polly) did the household chores. The next day, tension arose. It was evening. William and Polly were in Polly's room playing checkers, and Nan was upstairs doing God knew what. Probably primping for no reason. Ben and Felicity sat in the parlor awkwardly, neither really saying anything. Finally, Felicity broke the silence by saying, "It's a nice evening."
"Aye," he agreed.
"I'll bet Caleb and Elizabeth are out walking," she continued. "They like romantic things like that. My goodness, in a few days it will be their first wedding anniversary! And a year since the war ended, though the British haven't officially surrendered yet. I'm surprised that after a year already, nobody has drawn up a treaty of some sort."
"It makes everyone a bit nervous," he agreed. "I hope nothing breaks out anymore. I don't want to fight again."
"I don't want to have to see fighting again," she said. "Honestly, those days when there were battles here were the scariest I had ever seen. All that death..."
"That's the life of a soldier," he said. "At least you didn't have to be under constant fire."
"We were, in a way," she said. "Not on the front lines, but we couldn't go out of doors without the fear of being killed."
"I'll bet you I had it worse," he said. "At least you had a house. If we were lucky, we had tents. If not, the cold, hard ground. We didn't always have food, either."
"Neither did we," she said, growing slightly agitated. "There were many days where all we had a day was some bread and water for supper. And as for a house? We lived in the cellar for days."
"Tis still shelter," he said. "Many of us froze in the winter, and the heat was enough to make someone pass out in the summer. And at least you had decent clothes. Most of us didn't even have shoes, and our clothes were torn and dirty. Rags, really. They provided absolutely no warmth; they were just there to provide a thin cover for our bodies."
"You know," she said, her tone growing sharp. "We didn't have new clothes either. We were stuck in the same three dresses for about a year. No new gowns or anything. By the end of the war, I had to squeeze into a single gown I had had since I was thirteen. And Polly, the poor growing little girl? Dressed in one of Father's old shirts."
"They were still better than ours," he said. "Not having a new gown isn't the end of the world, you know." Now she was angry. "I was spilling out of that thing!" she exclaimed. "I know that you were a soldier and actually risked your life on the front lines, but we civilians didn't exactly sit around and have parties and cheer you on. We sacrificed our food, fabric, medicine, our loved ones, everything for the army! And what did we get in return? A destroyed city and having to risk our lives to get a loaf of bread. Believe me, we payed our fair share."
"Sitting back and watching a war before your very eyes isn't exactly paying your fair share," he said. "We soldiers were the ones who gave you your freedom."
"And who financed all of that?" she demanded. "Civilians played just as big a part in this war as soldiers did, perhaps even more! You just like to sit back now and brag about the fact that you fought for our independence, just so you can seem more important than you actually are! In the grand scheme of things, Benjamin Davidson, you didn't play a very big role at all! You were no General Washington, you were just a foot soldier from Virginia! You're not as high and mighty as you'd like to think!" Ben stared at her for a second, then said calmly, "Felicity, look at this." He unbuttoned his vest and took his shirt off. Felicity tried not to stare, but it was a bit of an intimate thing, him letting her see that much of him. "Look at that," he said softly, pointing to a deep, ugly scar below his right shoulder. She did a little gasp. "Oh my goodness," she murmured. He nodded. "That's were the bullet hit," he said. "And that scar will be there forever." She gingerly touched it. "Does it hurt?" she asked.
"From time to time," he replied. His eyes narrowed. "Do you think I brag about that?" he asked. "Do you think I feel high and mighty about that? About anything? I know I'm not a great war hero, and in spite of what you think, I don't try to be. But at least you didn't have to put up with this." He pointed to it. She didn't say anything; she was too stunned. "All right, none of us were shot," she finally admitted. "But we had our own troubles, too. You're not the only one who had to go through pain and suffering." Ben put his shirt back on. "I almost died, Lissie," he said quietly. She bit her lip before replying coldly, "Well, maybe it would have been better if you had." Immediately after the words left her lips, she regretted uttering them. His face could not have looked more hurt if she had slapped him. She thought of what she had just said. Did she really just say that it would have been better if he died?! Why, oh why had she said that? She opened her mouth to speak, then, not being able to bear the hurt on his face, ran upstairs before either one of them could say another word.
"You said what?!" exclaimed Nan a little while later. The girls were getting ready for bed, and Felicity had just told Nan what she had just said to Ben. Felicity nodded glumly. "Felicity, you idiot!" said Nan. "You don't just tell someone it would have been better if he died!"
"I know!" Felicity moaned. "And I didn't mean it, honestly I didn't! I wasn't thinking again!"
"Obviously," snapped Nan. "Felicity, do you know what the poor man has been through?"
"Well, we had our own problems too!" said Felicity. "But does he care? No, he always has to have it so much worse than we do!"
"He's been through hell and back," said Nan, then added quickly. "And those are his words, mind you, not mine."
"And we haven't?" said Felicity. "Need I remind you of last year? When Father was gone for hours and we were afraid he was dead?"
"I remember perfectly," said Nan. "And while that was terrifying, at least none of us were shot and nearly died! Are you even proud of him? Even a little?"
"Of course I am!" said Felicity. "I just wish he would appreciate us as the civilians a little!"
"Well, if you are proud of him," said Nan, blowing out the candle. "Try showing it."
Felicity couldn't sleep that night. She felt too awful. She couldn't get the image of that terrible scar or his hurt face out of her mind. Ben was never one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but he did have an expressive face (though he always denied the emotion). She thought about if that scar was much worse, if there was no scar because there was no arm. The thought of him as a cripple with only one arm was enough to almost make her cry. And when she said that it may have been better if he died...she cringed. The thought of him in a coffin, his lifeless face that would never again smile and laugh, that young life that hadn't seen much of the world severed by the sharp knife of death...this really did cause a few tears to fall from her face. How could she wish something like that on him? And after all that time worrying about him? "Stop crying," she told herself. "He's alive, he's able-bodied, and he's safe at home. He's fine." She knew that she had to apologize, though. She had to tell him, no matter how awkward it might be, that she never meant it; she never for a moment wished it. She would genuinely apologize. The next chance she had alone with him she would. And soon.
A couple of days later, she got her chance. She, Nan, and Rose were all making supper. Polly was at the store with William and Ben. Soon they came home. "I'm starving!" William announced.
"Well, you'll have to wait a little bit," said Felicity. "Supper won't be ready for another half an hour." William sighed. "You can have a tea party with me," offered Polly.
"Any other options?" he asked.
"You can help me set the table," said Nan. William sighed again. "Tea party it is." Polly dragged him off to his boredom, Nan went to set the table, and Rose went to get more water. That left the awkward duo of Felicity and Ben. He laid the sack he had been carrying on the table and sat down on the hearth. With a heavy sigh, he ran his hand through his hair. Felicity looked over at him. "Rough day?" He shook his head. "Just busy," he replied. He stood up and winced. "My feet are killing me."
"I know what you mean," she agreed, starting to chop the onions. "Will you do me a favor and put the salt in?" He nodded and dumped the spoonful in the bubbling stew. "Maybe I'll let William man the counter tomorrow," he said, turning towards the door. He had already opened it when she called, "Ben?" He turned back to her. "I-I'm sorry about what I said the other night," she apologized. He smiled a tight, half smile. "It's fine," he said, though a bit stiffly. "It's not," she argued, standing in front of him. "I know that we almost lost you forever, and to say that I wished you had died-oh Ben, I'm awful! I didn't mean it, truly I didn't!"
"Then why did you say it?" he asked.
"Because I was angry," she said. "You were just making it sound like we didn't have anything to do with the war here at home and our lives went on uninterrupted while you were risking your life for us and had it so much worse than us. And while I know that's true, we were in danger too. Even though we weren't fighting, the world was a dark, cold place. And when you made it sound like I shouldn't be complaining, I just lost my temper...again." He didn't say anything for a second. Then he said, "Well, I'm sorry." He was apologizing to her? That was unexpected. "I know that life was rough back here at home," he went on. "I just felt that you were going on and on about how terrible your lives were, when I bet that active combat was ten times worse. But I'm sorry for saying that you sat back and did nothing. I know that's not true; I was just getting irritated."
"Oh, so now I irritate you?" she asked coolly. He frowned. "I never said that," he said. "I said what you were saying was irritating, as if you were competing with me to see who had it worse."
"You might as well have!" she exclaimed. "And competing with you? I was just trying to make my point!"
"Well, believe me, you've made your point loud and clear!" he said, his voice rising. "You always have, and you always have to have the last word! That, Felicity, is what really annoys me. You always turn the littlest thing into an argument!"
"So I do annoy you!" she said accusingly. "And it's you, Benjamin, who instigates these arguments! You're the one who always has to be right! And have you any idea how you've annoyed me these past nine months? You're cold, you don't talk to me, when you do, it usually turns into an argument, you're arrogant, you treat me like a child,you-" Suddenly, the door swung open, pushing Ben into Felicity, and she grabbed him as he stumbled into her. At the same time, the door pushed him right into her to where his lips pressed against hers. She felt her eyes widen, and her heart start to pound as the realization dawned on her as to what was happening. Ben's brown eyes widened in surprise, then crossed, then closed. She heard Nan giggle, "William!" and William say, "I had to do something to keep myself entertained!" Felicity closed her eyes, and somehow, what started as an accident turned into a kiss, a real kiss. Before she could really marvel over this, Ben pulled away abruptly. His face was pink, and Felicity felt her mouth hang half open. His hands still gripped her elbows, and hers gripped his. "I- I-" he stammered. She only stared in awe at him. He let go of her. "I...will see you later," he said calmly, a gentle smile gracing his face. And he left. Felicity could only stand there and smile a little, thinking about what had just happened. Their lips actually touched. They had really kissed. That was even more unexpected than him apologizing. Rose came back in, and when she saw Felicity standing like a ninny, she asked, "Miss Felicity? Are you all right? You look as if the boy you loved just asked you to marry him." Felicity still just looked at the door. "Tis not far from the truth," she said softly. Rose gave her a funny look, but she turned back to her with a completely normal countenance. "Well," she said cheerfully. "Supper is not going to make itself, now is it? Let's finish up this stew."
She could barely suppress her smile for the rest of the evening. Well, what girl doesn't like to be kissed, especially by a handsome boy, no matter how cold and irritating he was acting? Though it had been on accident (William had purposely pushed the door so it would push Ben into Felicity), it still made her happy. Too soon, however, she had to pull herself back down to earth. Supper was served, and everyone sat down to table. After grace was said, Ben was the first to take a spoonful of the stew Felicity, Nan, and Rose made. His face was peculiar as he swallowed. Felicity frowned. "Does it taste all right?" she asked. He managed a weak smile. "Aye," he said. "Delicious." Nan, William, and Polly tasted theirs, and their faces were similar to his. Something was definitely wrong. Felicity frowned again and slowly brought a small spoonful to her lips... "Ach!" she exclaimed, taking a big gulp of water. "It's awful!"
"What did you do to it?" asked William. Felicity tried to think, and then it dawned on her. "Ben," she choked. "When I asked you to put that spoonful of salt in...where was it?"
"By the oven," he gagged, gulping water. "Why?" Felicity smacked her forehead. "Ben!" she groaned. "That was the sugar I laid out for the apple pie!" He nearly choked. "Sugar?" he repeated. "Why didn't you say so?"
"Because I-" she started, then realized that she didn't have a good answer and started to giggle. "Because I forgot that it was sugar, and that the salt was right next to me the whole time." Polly started to giggle, then William. Soon they were all laughing, even Ben, which was something Felicity hasn't seen in ages. "Please," he finally said. "It's not that funny, is it?"
"Yes," giggled Nan. "It is." Felicity stood up. "Well," she said, trying not to laugh. "Since Ben has unfortunately botched our supper-" William snickered. "I suppose that only gives us one choice." She went into the kitchen and came back holding the apple pie that Ben's "salt" was originally supposed to go into. "Dessert for supper?" gasped William with delight. Felicity cut everyone a slice. "Mother and Father aren't here," she reasoned. "So why not?"
"Don't get your hopes up," Nan warned. "Felicity probably asked Ben to put in salt instead of sugar." And everyone laughed again. "Supper" commenced. "Mmm," said Nan happily.
"Perfect," sighed William. Polly grinned. "Let's let Mr. Davidson and Felicity cook every night!" she suggested.
A few evenings later, the evening of Ben's twenty-third birthday, the children went to bed, and Felicity sat on the sofa reading her father's collection of Shakespeare. Ever since she was thirteen, she had grown rather fond of Shakespeare (though he was hard to get through because he was ninety percent metaphor), and had so far read a number of sonnets, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet. The latter was the first one she read, and by far her favorite. Currently, she was reading A Midsummer Night's Dream. While it held her attention, so far it didn't look as if Romeo and Juliet was going to give up its title as her favorite any time soon. Anyway, just as she got to the part where Puck had given Bottom a donkey's head when Romeo himself walked in, more commonly referred to as Ben Davidson. Felicity looked up and smiled. "Hello," she said. He smiled a little. "Hello," he replied. He sat next to her. "What are you doing?" She held up the book. "Shakespeare," she answered. "A Midsummer Night's Dream." He nodded. "I remember that one being a bit odd for my liking," he recalled. "But I always liked Macbeth; it was always good for a scare."
"You read Shakespeare?" she asked. He nodded again. "My mother used to read him to us when we were little," he explained. "He's hard to get through until you've read it a couple of times." She nodded. "Romeo and Juliet was beyond me the first time I read it," she said. "But now, it's my absolute favorite story in the world. What's more romantic than not being able to live without the one you love? Tis the saddest thing in the world! Romeo was the sweetest man in the world to care for Juliet so much that he couldn't live without her!" Ben looked thoughtful. "Well, think about it," he said. "Romeo was what, sixteen or thereabouts? And being a sixteen year old boy, I don't think his emotions ran very deep. Believe me; I speak from experience."
"Well, they must have for Juliet," she said. "After all, he was madly in love with her."
"Remember the beginning of the play?" he asked. "When he was moping because Rosaline rejected him and he thought he would never love another woman, then that very night he fell in love with Juliet? Do you think his love was really that deep if he could move on so quickly?" Felicity was quiet, then said, "Perhaps? After all, he married Juliet the next day. He was never so quick about Rosaline." Ben shook his head. "Felicity," he said. "There are two kinds of love. There is the kind that is solely based on-" He paused, looking slightly uncomfortable, then sighed and said bluntly, "Well, intercourse. And believe me, that is all a teenage boy thinks about. But that's not really love. There is real love, which is not just based on the physical attraction. That kind is unconditional. It's deep. It's soulful. And to be honest, it's scary. A teenager doesn't usually feel that, at least not a boy. It comes from his heart, not his-" He paused again, then said, "Well, you know what I'm talking about. And from reading the play, I guess that Romeo's love for both women came from...that place." Felicity furrowed her brow. She had to admit, she had never thought about it like that. "Well, if Romeo's love was just sexual desire," she said. "Then what is real love?"
"More than that," answered Ben. "Tis hard to explain. It's what you said you wanted to have someday back in February when you were complaining about overly affectionate couples."
"And?"she asked. "How exactly are you such an expert? Have you...ever been in love?"
"Which?"
"Both."
He ran his hand through his hair. "If you're talking about the first kind I mentioned," he said. "Then yes, of course. Tis natural for any teenage boy. I just didn't act on it."
"And the real kind?" she asked softly. His face looked sad. "I'd rather not say," he said quietly. She said nothing. She wanted to pry it out of him, but just the mention of it seemed to make him upset. Then she glanced at him and thought about what he had just told her. For someone who was quiet and mostly kept his thoughts to himself, Ben certainly had some observant and deep views on the world. Changing the subject, she said, "It's nice to be able to have someone to talk about books with. Whenever I do, Nan tells me to hush."
"It's nice to be able to talk to a woman who does more than sit around and look pretty," he said. "Educated women are hard to come by."
"I've always wanted to go to William and Mary," she said. "But they don't take girls. It's not fair."
"No," he agreed. "It's not." She then grinned. "Well," she said. "Perhaps I could pretend to be a boy. I could make my voice deep and whistle and swear."
"You'd have to do more than that," he said with a small smirk. "You'd have to cut your hair and bind your chest and besides that, you'd probably be curiously flat between the legs." She frowned. "Benjamin!" she exclaimed as he laughed. "I just wanted to see how you would react to that," he said. She just shook her head. Then, changing the subject again, she said, "I really am sorry about what I said the other day, about you dying. Honest to God, I didn't mean it. I don't know what came over me." He smiled. "I know you didn't," he said softly.
"You looked awfully hurt," she remarked. He sighed. "I'll admit," he said. "I was taken aback by you saying that, even though deep down I knew you were just angry. And...with good reason, I suppose."
"Still," she said. "I shouldn't have said something so cruel, no matter how angry I get."
"Well, it's behind us," he said. "I forgive you, so let's just forget about it." She nodded. Then she sighed. "Now what's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," she replied. "I'm just exhausted. Running a household is hard work. I think I could fall asleep right here." Ben was quiet, then scooted over. "Here," he said, patting his lap. "Until I go to bed." She looked at him curiously; normally she would think an invitation like that bold, exciting, somewhat intimate, but right now, she was too tired, and his lap looked so inviting, and sleep was calling..she laid down, trying not to think about what the back of her head was against (after all, even though she had never really thought of Ben's body in that sense, he was a man, was he not?) and soon fell fast asleep.
She awoke what seemed like a little while later and blinked. It was still a little dark, but the first rays of sunlight were starting to peep through the curtains. She tried to curl up, but her back was against something soft-and breathing. An arm was draped over her, and the hand was resting on her stomach. She smiled and closed her eyes again. Nan must have had a bad dream and was clinging to her. Felicity took her hand and squeezed it in reassurance. Then she remembered that she was on the sofa. Why was Nan there too? And why was her hand so big and rough? It then dawned on Felicity that the hand she was holding was not her sister's. With a gasp, she sat up and banged her head into Ben's jaw, which, of course, woke him up. "Ow!" they both cried, Felicity rubbing the top of her head and Ben rubbing his chin. "I'm sorry," said Felicity. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," he said groggily. Then he frowned. "What am I doing out here? And with you?" Felicity shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "Your arm was over me when I woke up, that's all I know." Ben looked confused, then his face looked as guilty as if he had just gotten her pregnant instead of accidentally falling asleep next to her on the sofa. He smacked his forehead. "I must have fallen asleep," he said. "I only meant to doze off for a minute or two. Oh Lissie, I'm sorry, I especially didn't mean to hold you like that!"
"It's all right," she assured him. "My parents aren't here, and no one is up yet."
"Your parents," he moaned. "Oh God, Felicity, your parents! What are they going to think?"
"They will never know," she said. "It was just an accident. We didn't-" She lowered her voice. "Do anything."
"Still," he said. "We're not married, nor even courting! Tis completely and morally wrong, Felicity, and I'm sorry." He got up and left without another word. Felicity sat there a moment. Privately, she hadn't minded. He was right; it was wrong, but his strong arms holding her so tenderly, their hands touching, the sound of his breathing...it was what she secretly wanted every night, even if it gave her a stiff neck, which she had now. She sighed. It wouldn't happen, at least not with him. Just like his kiss, she was sure. She stood up, finger-combed her hair, and went to help him tend to the horses.
A couple of days later, Mr. and Mrs. Merriman came home. Everything was in order, at the house and store, at least. Between Ben and Felicity, there was some tension, but nobody noticed because there had been anyway. What they didn't know that it was now for a different reason. Anyway, Mother and Father were very pleased with everyone, and that was that. Life went back to its usual cycle. Around Christmas, however, another exciting occurrence happened to Felicity. She was at Elizabeth's house one evening. Elizabeth and Caleb had invited her for supper, and Caleb's cousin from France (his mother had moved to the colonies from France when she was thirteen) had been visiting in the colonies for a year and was finally able to come to Williamsburg to see his cousin, so he was there as well. Felicity secretly thought that this was the main reason why she had been invited, but she had no objections. Jean Luc Beaumont was the model gentleman, one that most girls would die for. He was tall and strikingly handsome, with blonde hair pulled back in a simple queue. His blue eyes sparkled, and his posture was very erect. She spoke to him in the little French she knew, but luckily he spoke English. So eventually she just gave up and spoke in her native tongue. He was funny and witty and had a certain charm to him that she had never seen before. Maybe it was French. He was anything but soft-spoken, and somehow the whole evening seemed to revolve around him without him trying to make it do so. He liked to tell stories about France, and he told Felicity all about how his father owned a vineyard just south of Paris. They lived in a grand old mansion out in the country, and he was planning to return in May. "I've always wanted to go to France," she said when he stopped talking. "It sounds like a dream."
"I think you would like it very much," he said in a heavy French accent. Then he looked at her. "You know," he said slowly. "My father has been looking for a governess for my three little siblings. I do not know you very well, Miss Merriman, but I think you would be perfect for the job."
"Oh no," Felicity laughed. "That's very kind of you, Monsieur Beaumont, but all the way to France? I couldn't!"
"No no," he said, growing excited. "Think of it, Mademoiselle. You could come back with me in May, and then I was planning to come back here in November. It would only be six months away from your home, and you would be back for Christmas. I would pay for you to come with me as well."
"Monsieur," said Felicity.
"Jean Luc," he corrected. She smiled a little. "Jean Luc," she tried again. "That is very kind of you, but I can't let you do that."
"I want to," he said. "If you would be willing."
"Think of it, Lissie," said Elizabeth. "You wouldn't be away from home too terribly long, you'd earn some money, and you'd get to see another part of the world! Besides-" she grinned slyly. "Perhaps you'll find a nice French husband while you're there."
"Elizabeth!" exclaimed Felicity, her eyes flicking to Jean Luc. Elizabeth laughed a little. "All right, I'm joking about the last part," she said. "Partly." Felicity thought. The offer was tempting. "But wouldn't it be a bit dangerous?" she asked. "There have been tensions between the English and the French forever, it seems. And the British haven't formally surrendered yet either. Wouldn't it be dangerous for an American girl like me?"
"No more dangerous than it is here," said Elizabeth. "And peace talks are beginning to arise there."
"Besides," added Jean Luc. "They would not hassle a country governess."
"But-but my French!" said Felicity. "It's-"
"Gotten much better," interrupted Elizabeth.
"And my father speaks English," said Jean Luc. "And you will teach the children English as well." Felicity thought. France for half a year. Earning her own wages. French wine. French cheese. French gowns. Potential French men. The adventure of a lifetime. Really, when was she going to have another chance to go to Europe? After all, she only lived once; she might as well make the most of it. And it wasn't for too terribly long. "Well," she finally said with a small smile. "How can I say no?" Elizabeth grinned. "Oh Lissie!" she exclaimed. "Do you hear, Jean Luc, she's going!"
"Wonderful!" said Jean Luc. "Oh, Miss Merriman, I am certain you will love it!"
"Wait," said Felicity. "Before anyone gets overly excited, I still have to ask my parents' permission."
"Go," said Elizabeth. "Go now! Oh Lissie, France!"
"I'll ask," promised Felicity. "But don't get your hopes up. This is my father we are talking about."
She got home an hour later. She could hear her family in the parlor, and that's exactly where she headed. Her mother smiled when she saw her. "Why, Lissie," she said. "You're home early."
"Am I?" Felicity asked. "Tis nine o' clock."
"Still," said Mrs. Merriman. "When it comes to Elizabeth, you two could chat until nine in the morning." Felicity smiled and sat next to her on the sofa. William and Polly had gone to bed already, so it was just her, her parents, Nan, and Ben. "Caleb's cousin from France was visiting," she said as she casually picked up her embroidery. "He has been here a year, but he's been all over the colonies and is just now coming to Williamsburg."
"I didn't know Caleb had family in France," said Nan. Mr. Merriman nodded. "Mrs. McClellan was from France," he explained. "That is why we sometimes have a hard time understanding her when she comes to the store. She has a very strong accent."
"Apparently, Caleb's uncle is looking for a governess for his three younger children," said Felicity nonchalantly. "Jean Luc- that's Caleb's cousin- thinks that I would be perfect for the job." She felt four pairs of eyes boring into her. "Oh Lissie," said Mrs. Merriman. "Not all the way across the ocean!"
"You didn't agree, did you?" asked Nan. Felicity shrugged sheepishly. "I said I would ask for permission," she said.
"But you don't really want to go all the way to France, do you?" asked Ben. Again, Felicity shrugged. "I think it would be interesting," she said. "A new experience. And-" she looked at her parents. "I would leave with Jean Luc in May, and he would come back with me in November. He even offered to pay! I'd earn some money of my own, I would be independent for a while, and…and…" she trailed off. Her father sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "That's an awfully big proposition," he said after a moment. "And Lissie, I don't know if I want you in Europe, the times being what they are."
"I'm not going to England, Father," she said. "And the French helped us during the war, did they not? Besides, peace talks between them and us have been rising, and- and- oh please, Father, may I go? This is probably my only chance to see Europe!"
"Why would you want to?" asked Ben. "I don't see what's wrong with staying right here." Felicity looked at him. "You didn't seem to think that a few years ago," she pointed out. "Besides, I want to travel. Virginia isn't the whole world. There is more to life than cooking, cleaning, and sewing, even for a woman. Her parents looked at each other seriously, then at her. "Let us talk it over," said Mr. Merriman. "And of course with this Jean Luc fellow. I will not send you halfway across the world with a complete stranger."
"Yes Father," she agreed, a slight shimmer of hope arising within her. Ben just shook his head, but she didn't care. She could potentially go to France, to Europe! Not many people, especially not many women, got that opportunity. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and she couldn't refuse it. Unless, of course, if her parents objected. She smiled to herself. A whole other part of the world. And besides that, maybe Elizabeth was right. Maybe there was a potential French husband waiting for her over there. If only her parents agreed.