(Trigger Warning for brief suicidal imagery and remembering the near-assault on Yamatai)

When I was carrying Sam down the mountain after saving her from Himiko and Mathias, she'd been out of it and really dazed. But she kept looking at me with this adoring look on her face. And loving, though I had just thought that was the emotion of the moment. I hadn't allowed myself to contemplate that there might be something more to her feelings just then, too drained and damaged from the experience to want to risk the heart break if I was wrong.

I was her saviour, her hero no matter what Mathias said. By being a survivor, I saved Sam. Whatever damage to my body and my mind and my soul had been worth it and was still worth it. But right now I start to understand why she'd looked at me like that, because this time our positions have been reversed. She's earned that feather in her cap, but god if she'd felt this way when looking at me I wish I'd said something back then.

Floating on air from the painkillers and the shock, I say something stupid. It just tumbles out of my mouth. "Ever think about getting married?"

Of course she reacts with a joke, but I'm utterly mortified that I even brought that up at all, let alone right now. Now the conversation is serious, but before I can say anything she keeps talking. I nuzzle my face against her leg and grunt. I don't want her digging deeper because I don't even know what the hell I was thinking. Then she tells me that I'm all she ever needs and it means everything right now. But I take note of her reaction. For some day's sake.

I drift off soon after we kiss. I'm supposed to stay awake but it's so hard to right now. I want to sink into the warm fuzziness of her embrace. It's a wonderful place and a feeling that can't be replaced by just about anything.

The sun is up when I jerk awake. My senses seem like they've returned to me. I'm not as foggy headed and when I try to move my leg it seems like the pain is gone. Maybe I can even stand! "Sam? Sam! I'm better now. We can get out of here."

The only answer is the wind. I feel that old knot in my gut and I get to my feet and look around. "Oh god."

I'm back on Yamatai. It's impossible. This has to be a nightmare. The sky is covered with clouds, and lightning strikes the mountain overhead. The ritual. "Sam!" Everything else falls away. Peru, the crash, I forget all of it. I have to get to Sam. I can't lose her, I can't live without her! I'm going to tear through everything and everyone in my way. There's not much resistance, though. No soldiers, just one Oni which I dispatch quickly.

When I get there, Mathias is dead. And Sam...and Sam's eyes are glowing and she's gone. It's Himiko. It's Himiko, and I've failed. The gun is against my head and before I can stop myself I'm pulling the trigger.

I watch my body slump over, blood pooling on the ground. It's surreal. I thought it would hurt more, but I don't feel anything at all. Sam - Himiko moves over to where I lay. She's crying. I hear my name, as though it's being called from far away. Sam is cradling my body and I've made a terrible mistake.

Sam! Let me get back to her! Please! I can't leave her, I can't leave her behind! Not like this! If there's a god please don't let me do this to her!

She looks up, and it's as though she sees me. Her eyes glow blue and her voice echoes all around me.

I open my eyes and I'm on the ground. My vision blurs as something clubs me in the head and I roll away only for someone to grab my ankle and yank me back! I hear Russian in my ear as the man pins me down. I struggle, trying to get my elbow into his face. I'm not going to let him win. I can't let him win! He gets his arm around my throat and twists and then I'm drowning.

The ocean batters me, tossing me around like a bobber in a flood. But I'm stubborn. I think about what Roth would say and I move towards the shore, using the waves to help conserve my energy. It doesn't take long before I'm out of the water. I want to lay there for a few minutes, but I need to find the others. It's cold, and I start to shiver.

Someone offers me their hand, so I take it. "Thanks. I'm not sure what happened, but…"

I stare into blue eyes. They have grey specs, and they're set into a square face that I memorized a long time ago. It's my father. He's not alone, there are other familiar eyes (Roth? Mother? Alex?), but I can't pull my gaze from my father. I can only stare at him..

It's impossible, I know it, but he looks exactly how I remembered him the day he left forever. Just a little older. I want to hug him. I want to hit him and I want to scream at him. He left me. My parents left me. I was just a girl, and one day they were gone. His arms wrap around me and I beat my fist on his chest as he hugs me. He's talking but I don't hear any of it. It's important, I somehow know it is but I'm so wrapped up in my own childhood angst that it just sounds like my name is being called over and over again. I push him away and glare at him.

"Do you have any idea what I've been through since you've been gone? Do you?! It wasn't fair to me, it wasn't fair to Roth! We might not...maybe we wouldn't have gone looking for Yamatai! Everything could have been different! They'd all be alive! I'd be able to sleep at night!"

He puts his hands on my shoulders, pain in his eyes and compassion on his face. "Lara."

Lara...Lara!

My leg explodes into agony and I'm awake again. I bite my lip to keep from crying out and taste blood. My face is pressed against Sam's chest and I'm awake again, oh my god. None of that had been real.

"Oh thank god!" There's panic in her voice. It verges on hysteria and she hugs me tight. "You were so feverish and you kept thrashing and mumbling and I couldn't get you to wake up no matter what I tried!"

I reach up to touch her face. She feels real. She has to be real. "You're not… I kept… I thought I failed. I was back on Yamatai. Then I saw my dad. Did I die?"

She looks so shocked. "What? No! You didn't die. I was here the whole time. Trust me, sweetie, you were moving around way too much to be dead. You were hallucinating. I'm still me. I'm not Himiko."

I almost would rather I really had a near-death experience. Somehow, it makes me feel less crazy than just hallucinating. "My leg is killing me." It's a subject change and she gives me her 'Lara I know you're changing the subject but I'm going to let you' look.

"I have to ration these painkillers...Soon, but not yet. You just need to hold on." I grab her wrist, firmly but not too hard.

"It's okay. I can handle the pain. I just can't handle going back to sleep. If I'm...If I'm awake, I can see you and I know you're okay. I know you're not…" I can't hold my head up much longer so I just nuzzle it against her. "I know you're okay."

"I'm okay, sweetie." She still sounds worried, a tremor in her voice, but she's putting on a brave face. I must have scared the shit out of her.

"I was back on Yamatai." It's probably the pain but I'm not filtering myself right now. There aren't many things I keep from her as it is, but I'm still glad most of the big secrets between us are already known, because I'll spill my guts right now if she presses me. "Only it was different. I didn't get to you in time, and then that Russian, he..."

"It was a nightmare. You're okay. I'm okay." She puts my hand on her face. "See? So if I turn into some kind of snake face thing that just means you're hallucinating."

I purse my lips and give her a dry smile. "Thanks, Sam. If my next nightmare involves snakes, that's your fault."

"You're welcome, Sweetie."

My hand is still on her face, and my fingers start tracing her features of their own accord. I'm still trying to reassure myself she's here and actually real. And I might as well face it, the texture of her skin has always been a fascination for me. I don't know what it really is about her, but it's wonderful.

When we were in boarding school, I'd watch her apply make-up or skin lotion, and just seeing the way it shone under most light sources always did really funny things to my stomach. And even then she was a really touchy person, so I got to feel her skin a lot and neither of us thought it was weird. It was just so fascinating to me. Smooth and soft, and as far as I'm concerned it's perfect. I spent hours just caressing the curve of her cheek, or tucking her hair behind an ear, or testing the firmness of her lips with a finger. And she'd watch me while I did that, while her own hand explored my face or my shoulders. It wouldn't have taken much. Just a kiss. Just lean in a little more and everything changes. So many times I almost did just that. How many years did we lose because we were too scared to act? And then University and Sam's endless partying and boyfriends and god I was a jealous git. I even punched a bloke over her. Even on the Endurance there'd been a night or two where I'd almost... There was one memory especially, though...

"Lara? Lara, don't drift off!"

I blink my eyes, feeling a dopey smile on my face. My hand pats her cheek. "I'm still here, just thinking about pleasant memories. And how stupid we were when we were younger." It wasn't really that long ago, but it feels like a lifetime.

"Tell me about it. God, I was such a ho, when I really just wanted you to ...I don't know. Slam me against the shower wall and have your way with me."

When I laugh it hurts, but feels good at the same time. "Wish noted. Just you wait, I'll hobble in on crutches when you least expect it."

"It's no fun when I know it's coming!"

"Who said you'd know when it was coming?" The flirting is pleasant and I can pretend my leg just aches rather than feels like I want to cut it off to get rid of the pain. I realize what the conversation sounds like only after Sam starts giggling. It's like she's twelve. Sometimes I swear she really is twelve and just never grew up.

I thwack her lightly again, and she sobers up, a little. "Why don't you tell me about it. I need to figure out this radio anyway, and it'll keep you awake." A radio isn't a camera, but maybe she can get it to work and get help. I'm the first to admit we really need it because I'm not going to be able to walk out of here easily.

"All right. Since you insist. I was thinking about how close we got in boarding school. You remember? You'd sneak into my bed and we'd talk and hug each other. And all that touching."

"So pretty much a normal night at Chau Croft?"

My laughter hurts my ribs again, but I don't mind. She is right though. We wake up next to each other more often than not. Especially while we'd recovered from the island. We actually ended up getting just one bed, and that was before Costa Rica and our relationship growing more intimate. Our subconcious had moved faster than the rest of us.

What I am actually thinking about was one night, our second year at Uni. It sticks out in my memory because while it was a point when we'd both felt low, it was also a high point. I take a breath to summon up enough strength to talk. I'm sure I slur a little bit, and my right hand moves while I talk to better illustrate my point. Or flops around.

"I remember a time when you were sitting on the balcony. You'd gotten home from a date. I'd spent the night in my room, trying to study but mostly having a pity party about being alone. A very jealous pity party."

Sam doesn't seem to remember what I'm talking about. There's confusion in her eyes so I put my finger over her lips so I can finish first. It's a bit exhausting to talk this much right now, but I have to finish, now that I'm telling it. "I came out, and there you were. I thought you were just admiring the scenery, but you were crying. I approached you and put my arms around you and you just folded up against me. I didn't...really know what to do so I hugged you and rubbed your back while you tried to tell me what happened. You were so knackered that you kept repeating things and backtracking over your words. I'd never known how insecure you were about yourself and your body. About your behaviour. You asked me if I thought you were a slut and why did I want to be friends with someone who couldn't feel anything when they were with people and nothing I said could get through to you."

It isn't like I ever want to slut shame my best friend. I have to stop there. I need to catch my breath, and she's staring at me like I've laid her bare. I hold up a finger to indicate there is more, but it takes me a full minute before I feel like I can speak again. It isn't just my breath, but remembering it all is making me feel emotional.

"And uh. You got onto the topic of your parents, which is always sort of a sore spot, then you started apologizing because you remembered my parents, then you asked me why no one loved you. So I kissed you."

"I really… don't remember any of this," she says. I can't tell if she's confused, or hurt, or what, so I still her hand that's on the radio and make sure she looks at me.

"I know. I just...I couldn't find the words so I wanted to show you that you weren't alone. So I kissed you, and then you kissed me back. And it was like I'd turned a dial on you, but I had to stop it when your hands wandered." I hadn't wanted to stop. I had thought about kissing her so many times before and it had been like electricity. It's cliche but that doesn't make it any less true. Or any less true now.

Sam looks mortified. It is an adorable look on her face and a grin finds it's way to my lips. "I never let myself assume it was anything more than you needing the contact. And I was really glad I was sober at the time."

She looks dismayed now. "Oh god that would have been a horrible morning."

It probably would have been awkward for a few days, but I think we would have recovered. "We can bounce back from anything, you know. I'm sorry I took advantage of you."

"You're seriously apologizing for something that happened like four years ago?" Her initial shock over, Sam is grinning at me like I just told her she won the lottery. I eye her warily. "I took advantage of you."

Sam has a way of rolling her eyes that just makes me feel like an complete git. "You wanted to comfort me. I forgive you, if that makes you feel better."

"Actually, it does." It's a stupid thing to feel relief over, but I do.

That relief evaporates at her next words. "Good. So how far did my hands get before you thought it was a good idea to stop?"

Fortunately, I have just the counter. "About as far as my hands got on you."

"Oh my god, Lara!" I made Sam blush. I'll call that a victory. It's something I really need right now. I don't want to dwell on that nightmare. I don't think I'd like what I'd find.