LESS LIKE YOU

This is a bit different than how I normally write, because once again I have tried to write from Zelgadis' POV. The entire thing is very difficult for a person who has ALWAYS written third person narratives! I hope it doesn't suck too much. This was kind of cathartic for me because I was thinking about how some of Zel's feelings for Rezo kind of remind me of me and my mom. Except, you know, my mom was never brain damaged by the lord of all Mazoku.

Most people can hold their parental figures up on such high pedestals.

Amelia, with her father, is probably the most potent to me. Doubtlessly due to my feelings for Amelia, though possibly also because Phil has been more of a father to me than Rezo ever was.

How long did it take me to trust again? To love again? No thanks to him.

Yet, no matter how much I hated him...I couldn't stop loving him. I couldn't stop clamoring for his approval, just a little bit.

When we finally sent Rezo back to the Sea of Chaos, hopefully for the last time, I found myself wondering where things had gone wrong for him.

For me, it's quite apparent. I wear the proof of his betrayal, the worst day of my life, on my skin.

But for Rezo...

I often wonder why I even care. Why should I even attempt to understand him? To empathize with him?

But it's because, no matter what else he was...he was my grandfather. He raised me.

Being taken over by Shabranigdu aside, I know that he lost his wife when they were both still fairly young. That had to have been hard on him, what with being a healer and all.

I tried to do right by him. I was a good kid. A quiet, smart kid. I didn't want to bother him, because the man was like a living legend. Even I, being the closest person to him in the world, looked at him with something akin to hero worship.

I don't know if it's just me being hard on myself, but I've always felt like nothing I've done has ever been good enough for him. He never said anything to even imply such a thing, of course, yet I have never been able to shake the feeling that he was disappointed in me.

Now it's too late to ever know why. I can never ask him what I was doing wrong.

As I move away from the balcony railing I'd been leaning against, high atop Seyruun Castle, I begin to question if my shortcomings are really a result of something Rezo did or said to me, or something I impressed upon myself. Amelia is the one who always says I'm too hard on myself, but I must get it from somewhere!

Or maybe...maybe my just being there had been enough for Rezo. Maybe, back then, everything else I did for him was superfluous. Maybe that's why I always felt like it wasn't enough. Because he never asked me for anything, or wanted anything.

And that's when it hit me. All he ever wanted me to do was listen. Learn, watch and listen. He would say things like, "Zelgadis, pay attention, you will need to know this someday."

But I didn't pay attention, did I? I didn't notice when Shabranigdu was raping his mind.

And the last time he'd said it to me...

It was back in Taforashia. He was in Pokota's body. He was telling me to pay attention to the ingredients he was using to ease the suffering of the people with Durum's Disease.

Yet, come to think of it, I'd never seen him administer the medicine to any of them.

It hadn't occurred to me at the time to look for any hidden meaning in his words.

"Amelia!" I called out. The little princess, face flushed, came running from the room we shared.

She takes my breath away, even now. Soft, curvy, happy and petite...I can hardly believe she's mine. I would chide myself for being sexist since I often think of her as something that 'belongs' to me, but I can't seem to make myself stop. I do feel a certain possessiveness when it comes to Amelia, and I'm not ashamed. Besides, she's the same way. Her face is rarely cuter than when it's pink with jealousy from overhearing the maids talking about the 'sexy, mysterious prince consort.'

I don't really get it, myself, but Amelia also says I never see myself clearly.

"Is something wrong, Zelgadis?" She asks, taking in my expression. I also love that she no longer calls me 'Zelgadis-san.'

"No, not really," I say, quietly. "I was just thinking...if I came up with a list of ingredients for something, like say a potion, do you think it would be easy to obtain them?"

Her smile is radiant as she answers, "Of course! You're part of the royal family now, we can get the ingredients no matter what they are!"

Then her expression changes to one of curiosity as she asks, "What is the potion for?"

I didn't answer. I didn't need to.

"Ah," she says, coming closer and hugging me tightly around the waist.

"We'll start immediately," she mumbles into my chest.

I wrap my arms around her and realize that I hadn't lied to her after the battle at Taforashia.

Rezo, at least the monster he had become, didn't matter anymore.

Now the only Rezo that existed in my memory was the pale man with the soft smile who had loved me.