Once upon a time there lived a man named Kyle Reese. Somehow, he knew John Connor, son of the soon-to-be mentally ill Sarah Connor, was -Jesus Christ- the savior of humanity from -sin- Skynet. How fucking subtle.

Kyle was an ordinary man with an ordinary job fighting ordinary deadly robots who will never stop trying to kill you. Ever. They will kill you by any means necessary, even if they are on the verge of breaking down. They will track you down, hunt you every minute of each day, and find you so they will end your life... ordinarily.

So he went back in time à la Phil of the Future even though Terminator came first and OMFG CAMERON SHOULD SUE!1 But alas, he did not find the oh so holy JC. And by JC, we mean John Connor, not Jesus Christ. That is preposterous; where would you get such an idea?

But he did find a very very very good role model for feminism. And by very very very good, I mean a total jerkass who went batshit insane and was not very attached to her son. Yep. A very good model of feminism, indeed. But, fuck it, she was hot. And that was enough of a reason to rescue the bitch in a nightclub.

So Reese here saif the line, "Come with me if you want to live." Which doesn't really contribute much to the story other than the fact that he will keep her alive, but fuck me in the keyhole if you don't think that sounds cool. So then Reese's tells Sarah about Skynet and 3 million people dead and a massive global war and PETA. And the- HOLY SHIT A HUMANOID ROBOT OUT TO KILL YOU. There were explosions and then there is a super awesome car chase that also contributed nothing because T-800 didn't die. They get out safely and- What the fuck? Since when did they start to have sex?

Oh, wait, they confessed their love to each other and the feeling is mutual so it's totally cool. Plot-wise, anyways.

And then there is an explosion that kills Loverboy and makes Sarah limp for at least one more movie. T-800's arm comes out to kill her and Sarah pukes on it. The vomit was mostly composed of water and everyone knows robots and water don't mix so keep that in mind during a robot apocalypse.

And then Jesus-John was spawned and did a better job of saving humanity by letting the closest thing he had to a father figure go and THAT WAS THE END OF THE SERIES THERE ARE ONLY TWO TERMINATOR MOVIES AND JUDGEMENT DAY NEVER HAPPENED LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!1

And Jesus-John would have ended up with Kate but was inadvertently paired up with a Mary Sue because someone thought John Connor was hot.

THE END