Chapter Four

Queen Bitch and the Mashed Potatoes

Bender is looking uncharacteristically sober at lunch. Allison, Claire and Beatrice are absorbed in some kind of girl thing, so Brian is free to follow Bender's conversation with Andy.

"You're right Sporto, Priscilla isn't taking it lying down."

Andy's head snaps up. "What do you mean?"

"Carl tipped me off. All of our lockers are going to be searched. Not just mine, all of us. I had to flush my doobage." Louder, he says, "Al, you got any contraband on you?"

"Yeah, I have my knife. Why?"

"Ditch it. We're all going to be searched. Bea, Claire, Dork, any of you got anything?" Brian, Claire and Beatrice shake their heads.

"Midgets, you got something illegal, dump it," he tells Gil, Rob and Lester. "I think we better keep our noses very clean next couple of days."

Carl's information is accurate. Each of them is called out of class separately by Vernon that afternoon and made to witness their locker being searched. Brian's search is fairly cursory, but he sees Bender still shoveling his belongings back into his locker as he goes back to class.

"Why did Priscilla wait so long to start this?" Brian asks the table in general the next day.

"Oh, she's been trying to hurt me ever since we all started eating lunch together," Claire says.

"How?"

"Spreading rumors, trying to turn the other girls against me, being catty and insulting me in front of people. You know, standard Priscilla stuff. But I don't care anymore, so it isn't giving her the revenge she wants."

"She's been a bitch to me and Beatrice too, but we don't care either," Allison explains.

"You guys have been underestimating Priscilla this whole time. I know her. We dated in freshman year," Andy warns.

"You did?" Claire looks revolted.

"Yeah, well, my nads were in overdrive. That's beside the point. She's dangerous when she doesn't get her way. I've seen her tear down so many girls."

"But we don't care anymore, Andy. She doesn't bother us," Claire says.

"That just makes it worse. She's out to get us all now." Andy is looking serious as hell.

Claire asks, "But why?"

"Because we are beyond her reach, we are independent of her. She has no control over us," Allison says slowly. "She's used to everyone being scared of her and we're not."

"Exactly," says Andy.

"What are we going to do?" Claire asks, looking around.

"I am the one person she's worried about," Bender says. "I didn't tell all, about last semester. There's more I could say. I'll be the spokesperson; she'll listen to me. Now we have to figure out what our message will be."

"Blackmail?" Andy suggests.

"Yeah, that's where we should start. But we have to have a backup plan ready. I doubt she'll fold that easily. I'll catch her this afternoon, with our message."

Bender reports back at lunch the next day.

"It's official. It's war. She says no one will believe me, I can say whatever I like, it doesn't matter."

"What can we do?" Claire asks.

They look at each other.

Allison finally says, "There isn't much we can do but be very good students. No knives, no doobage, no skipping class."

"No doobage?" Bender is aghast.

"No doobage," Andy says firmly. "We have to stay clean."

"I think maybe-" Claire starts.

Everyone looks expectantly at her.

"Maybe I can recruit a spy. Priscilla's hurt a lot of people, and some girls are tired of doing everything she says."

"Excellent!"

"Good idea!"

"Way to go, Claire!"

Claire looks uncertain. "I don't know though, they are scared. They see what she's done to me. I have you guys to be with… these girls will have no one, will be entirely on their own."

"It's awful, being all on your own with no one," Allison says.

"But it's worth a try, I say. Good luck Claire," Andy responds.

There are murmurs of appreciation.

"Until we get this sorted out, everyone needs to be on their best behavior." Andy looks pointedly at Bender.

Bender puts up his gloved hands and says, "Okay, okay, I get it. I'll be cool."

Being on his best behavior at school isn't too hard for Brian as he is always on his best behavior anyway. Major rebellion is fomenting inside him against his mother, though. The idea of resisting the pressure to perform, hatched last week, has been growing.

He can't not do homework; that is beyond his ability to conceive. But he thinks about all the clubs he belongs to. He genuinely likes Latin, but math and physics are there to look good on college applications. He used to get something out of the social interaction the clubs provided, but now he has the breakfast club. And he finds it hard to believe, but he has a girlfriend. He wants to spend time with Beatrice, but his mother certainly would not allow dates, which would be frivolous and not something he could put on a college application. Nor would she allow simply hanging out. Allison spends most afternoons at Andy's house, and Bender and Claire usually join them or hang at Claire's.

He thinks things over. Thursdays he has Latin club, which is fine. Every other Wednesday he has physics club, every other Wednesday he has math club. Tuesdays his mother is with Sam at her Brownie meeting. If he skips his meetings, he can spend time with Beatrice and the others. He can get out of the house on weekends under the pretext of going to the library. He might actually be able to have a normal social life despite his mother's determination that he sacrifice all for academics.

The day after Bender's report finds Brian anxious and on edge. Instead of turning right on Milton to go home, he turns left to accompany Beatrice home.

"My mom works three to eleven, so you won't meet her, but Jack works eleven to seven and is usually home after school. You'll like Jack. He does special effects makeup on the side," Beatrice explains.

"Jack is your stepfather?"

"Pretty much. They're not married and I don't call him 'Dad,' but he's more important than my father."

Brian lives in a solidly middleclass neighborhood, but Beatrice's neighborhood is less affluent. Instead of ranch houses there are bungalows and duplexes, and none of the huge lawns common in his neighborhood. It seems cozier and more relaxed. Her house is a tidy yellow bungalow with a big porch and a porch swing, and a tiny lawn. Outside, it is most conventional, but the inside shows Beatrice came by her peculiarities and eccentricities naturally. The hardwood floors are covered in bright geometric-patterned rugs, and the dining room is lit by a huge paper globe hanging over the dinner table. A row of hooks above the door hold every imaginable type of hat, including a sombrero, a cowboy hat and a construction helmet. There is a headless mannequin by the stairs gesturing toward some bookcases along one wall. Picasso prints hang on the walls.

Beatrice leaves him in the living room while she excuses herself. He strolls over to the bookcases. There are plenty of books, but there are also more hats, life size masks and a terrarium containing a tarantula. Browsing the titles (visual art, gardening and classic literature mainly) he comes across a tarantula NOT in the terrarium. It is perched in a shadowy nook on top of an old wooden box. He quickly backs away; spiders are not his favorite thing. Beatrice returns, and still backing away, he informs her, "Umm, there is a huge spider sitting there. Like, running around loose."

She laughs. "That's a tarantula skin. They molt. Jack thinks it's funny to scare the guests."

"Hah, very funny, it almost gave me a heart attack. Is there anything else I need to know about?"

"No, Jack generally doesn't scare people except on Halloween. Halloween is a big deal. He usually does me as a zombie, but one year I was a mutant with three arms. He's good at zombies and monsters. Come downstairs, I'll show you his work."

She leads him through the kitchen (which appears quite ordinary) and down the basement stairs into a large work room lit by several banks of fluorescents. On the work table is what looks like a gory clown head, half-painted, several severed arms and one leg. There are boxes, cans of paint, brushes, a paint spattered hairdryer, hooks, rolls of some kind of synthetic material, sheets of plastic, and a general jumble of tools and supplies he does not recognize. Beatrice picks up a gorilla mask and puts it on. It is amazingly life-like, the glass eyes so realistic, he must touch them to be assured they really are glass.

She says something muffled from under the mask and emerges a bit tousled. "He doesn't usually get to keep the masks, they become the property of the film studio, but they didn't use this extra he made, so we have it." She turns the mask so that she may regard its face. "Xavier is a favorite of mine."

"So this is what Jack does? Make movie stuff?"

"On the side. It's sort of a complicated hobby he gets paid for. He drives an ambulance and so does mom. That's why they work weird hours."

"Wow, my dad is an insurance salesman. This is… this is so cool."

After this quick tour, they settle in Beatrice's room to do homework. Initially she puts on Bauhaus, but he finds it too weird, so they change to the classical music station. While they work, he hears some rustling about in the kitchen, then smells coffee. After a while, a tall man wearing sweats comes to Beatrice's door with a coffee mug. He looks pretty ordinary, short brown hair and a beard with streaks of silver.

"Jack, this is Brian, who I told you about."

Brian nervously gets to his feet and shakes hands with Jack, saying, "Nice to meet you, sir."

"Bea showed you Xavier?"

Brian mumbles an affirmative.

"He found the spider pretty quick, Jack."

"Ah, so you're observant. You like classical music?"

"Yes, sir."

"You can call me Jack."

Brian nods, struggling to not respond "Yes, sir," again.

"I definitely prefer classical music over these wailing souls Bea likes so much."

"The wailing souls are okay," Brian says loyally.

Jack finds this amusing. "I'll let you guys get back to work."

Without all the extra work from physics and math, it doesn't take long to complete his homework and he helps Beatrice with her own math homework. All too soon, it is time to go. She walks him out the front door and gives him a soft kiss goodbye. He wishes he could hold her forever.

Things remain quiet for a few days. Brian gets a little ribbing from Bender when it becomes evident he and Beatrice are dating, but the girls appear quite happy at this development. Rob eventually decides to be happy for Brian rather than give in to envy. Lester and Gil take it philosophically. These things happen.

Monday at lunch, Brian makes his selection of burger with fries and joins the group at the table. He is just digging into a discussion of Roman imperialism with Beatrice when he happens to glance up and looks straight at Stubby Boardman, who is holding a plastic fork like a cocked catapult. As he watches, Stubby lets loose and a gob of something white goes flying. The faces of those opposite him all go blank with shock. He turns to see what has their attention and beholds Vernon, one eyeglass lens spattered with mashed potatoes.

"Goddammit Bender, that's it. You're out of here for good," Vernon yells as he whips off his glasses.

Taking in the situation, Brian jumps up, pointing, but Stubby is gone. "He didn't do it, sir, it was Stubby Boardman."

"Tell that to someone who doesn't know better, Johnson. Get your stuff Bender, this is your last trip to the principal's office."

"Are those mashed potatoes?" Lester asks.

Vernon doesn't dignify this with a response.

"Sir, we don't have any mashed potatoes," Lester persists. Looking down the table, Brian sees he is right. No one chose mashed potatoes; their table is bare of that item.

"Shut up, you," is Vernon's response.

Bender is on his feet, gathering his bag, but looks up when Lester speaks.

"Sir, there is no way I could have done it. I have no mashed potatoes. You can see, no one has mashed potatoes. Look sir, there are none at this table."

Vernon glares down the table but must admit the truth of this statement.

"As much as I applaud the sentiment, sir, it is an impossibility." Bender can't seem to keep his mouth shut.

"Alright, Bender. Come with me, that's a detention for disrespect. I don't know which one of you did this," Vernon pauses to point a finger up and down the table, "but I'll get you. Just you wait."

As he is led off, Bender gives them an unrepentant smile, then blows a kiss to Claire.

"Stubby Boardman did it!" Brian erupts, once Vernon is out of earshot. "I saw him! He did it!"

"I guarantee you, Priscilla put him up to it," Andy says. "Sit down Brian. We need to be cool here. She made her play and it failed. We can't prove it was Stubby, so that's over. What we really need is an ear inside. Claire, have you talked to anyone yet?"

"I managed to talk to Jennifer in the girls' bathroom. She's pretty pissed. Priscilla was her best friend for a couple of months but turned on her. Now Jennifer is the butt of all Priscilla's jokes. She is definitely sympathetic to us. I'm working on it."

"Okay, until then, we just keep on staying clean. It's all we can do. But don't worry, we'll get ours eventually. She's going to screw up, and when she does, we'll be there."

Life goes on and the next day is Tuesday, Brian and Beatrice's day to visit Brian's house. Beatrice is copying another Cure tape for Allison. The unearthly atmospheric sound of the band is beginning to grow on Brian. The languid drifting of his thoughts melt together with the music and the warmth of Beatrice in his arms. He is lost in the pleasure of holding her body against his. They dive into a kiss. She puts her hand on his and guides it under her shirt. The soft warm skin of her waist feels incredible. As he is sliding his hand around to the small of her back to pull her closer, they hear the car. They both bound off the couch. It's not even four o'clock yet. Beatrice throws her backpack over her shoulder and looks wildly to him for instruction. He hustles her to the back door and is closing it behind her just as the garage door opens.

The Cure tape is still going and he spots a flowery notebook that slipped out of her bag half under the couch. Three long strides bring him to the couch, where he flops, pushing the notebook under the couch. He is kicked back, trying to look relaxed.

"What kind of noise is that?" his mother demands.

"It's The Cure."

"Turn it off. Why aren't you studying? Why are you just lying around listening to this horrible din?"

"Mom, I am a teenager. Teenagers listen to music. I am not a homework factory. I need to do something other than study sometimes."

"Don't you talk back to me. Turn that off and go to your room. Stay there until dinner."

He manages to shuffle Beatrice's notebook in with his own school books as he gathers his things. He goes to his room as instructed but refuses to study. He'll do the bare minimum after dinner, but he'll be damned if he will keep studying on command.

Beatrice meets Brian before homeroom and finds the whole escapade funny. She describes her perilous crossing of the yard and sneaking out the side gate with humor, but he is still too angry with his mother to properly appreciate her story. He digs around in his bag and brings out her notebook and the two tapes. When he gives them to her, he sees she is hurt.

"I'm sorry, Bea. She just pressures me so hard, sometimes I can't think of anything else."

"Come to my house after school. We won't do homework, just watch TV or something."

"Thanks, Beatrice. I'd go crazy without you."

And he really would. Jack has taken a liking to him and the feeling is mutual. He can just be at her house, no pressure to do anything. He is acceptable as he is. Acceptable, liked, enjoyed. His mother attacks him with such hostility about the most simple of things. Bender said he was every parent's wet dream, but he is never good enough for his mother. Making straight As isn't grounds for praise, it is barely enough to keep her anger at bay.

Oh well, life goes on, and there is always the breakfast club and Beatrice, his two lifelines.