Chapter 12—A Box of Pjorks is Nasty Business

The Office of Passage was the least spoken about in the entire department of mysteries. Of course, it was kind of a running joke throughout the entire Department that all the Office did was 'pass gas'—meaning sit and throw out theories all day about silly things like Interspacial Travel. Whatever that was. It was one of the least staffed Offices in the entire Department. Howard Note was the head of the Office of Passage, with two subordinates—Bill Williamson and Tom Hatch—and a secretary, Charlotte Troffs.

A normal day for the Office of Passage started out with Note running late. He was almost always late, grabbing a hasty piece of toast and brushing his dark wet hair as he ran out the door of his apartment. A quick Apparation, trip down the elevator, and he was at work.

"Sir, there's a message for you on your desk."

"Call me Howard, Charlotte. Any idea what it might be?"

Charlotte pushed her red bangs out of her eyes and looked innocently up at her mildly incompetent superior. "Well, sir, it's either information on that well in Japan or summons to a report hearing."

Note glanced into his office at his pathetically empty Inbox. "A report hearing, then. As long as it's not that guy Pecksniff, I think I'll be fine. The way he talks bugs me—like he hasn't swallowed his spit in ten years."

"It's at 9:30, sir. You'd better get going."

"Yes, yes, of course." Note dropped his jacket on a dusty chair in the waiting room and walked back to the elevator.

Tom poked his head out of his shared office and raised an eyebrow at Charlotte. She raised one back.

"What's the bet it's Pecksniff?"

"Million to one."

"In favor of Pecksniff?"

"In favor of Pecksniff."

The next hour was fairly uneventful. Bill came in at about ten, rubbing sleep out of his eyes while still insisting that his baby girl was the best thing that had ever happened in his life. Yes, he didn't get much sleep now, and yes, he wished giving sleeping potions to children didn't kill them, but his baby Trisha was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his entire life, as shown in this picture, and this picture, and this picture….and this one….and that one….

"She kind of looks like a potato to me, Bill." Tom held the picture closer to his face. "A peachy-colored potato with a pink dress on."

"You've got it upside-down, stupid." Bill grabbed his picture back from Tom and held it in front of Charlotte's nose. "Don't you think she's the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

Charlotte's quill paused on her parchment. "Bill…"

"I know, I know. Get to work. Really, I don't know what you find to do all day. It's not like we've ever gotten much of a lead for any of our so-called cases. I don't know why I even come to work anymore."

Charlotte looked up from her notes. "Bill, would you like me to find you something to do?"

The man recoiled. "No, no, I can find something. Let's see…" Bill walked over to a large filing cabinet. "I was planning on working with one of our older cases today."

Charlotte sighed. "You mean the ones I've filed away as completely and utterly useless piles of—"

"Yes, those ones," Bill interrupted. "I thought I might start with…" He pulled open the first drawer and stuck his hand in.

What Bill was going to start with was never discovered, because at that moment a small paper bird flew through the door and stopped to hover at Charlotte's eye level. Movement in the office stopped. Tom's quill fell out of his hand. With a surprisingly steady hand Charlotte touched the little bird, which unfolded itself into a note.

"It's a note," said Charlotte.

"Well don't just sit there, read it!" said Tom.

Bill nodded, one hand still inside the first drawer of the file cabinet.

" 'Charlotte'," read Charlotte aloud, " 'We've got a sniffling wolf. May be able to fix a Jack out of the Box. Get a bird and feed it. Musician will play wolf's song in common time at the break of dawn. Recipe includes chocolate and cinnamon, as well as iron and silk. Put in bowl and stir. Watch for sudden burst of electric charge.'"

The room was silent.

"A real Jack out of the Box?" said Tom in a hushed voice.

"Chocolate and cinnamon?" Bill choked.

"He's going to be here in ten minutes!" cried Charlotte. The office was suddenly busier than it had ever been before. Charlotte's wand whirled as she quickly siphoned old dust from the corners and put a teapot on to boil. Bill stayed where he was at the filing cabinet and Tom joined him in his search for the correct files.

"Let's see…chocolate is Interspatial Travel, right?" Tom pulled open a drawer.

"No, no. It's Alter-Uni Passages. Cinnamon's…Amestris. Iron…The Fullmetal Alchemist. And…." Bill paused.

"Silk," gulped Tom.

"Crap," said Bill. "You know what that means."

Tome nodded and pulled open a half-empty drawer. He reached to the very back and fiddled around with something. There was a small pop and a hole appeared in the air right over the filing cabinet. Tom reached inside and pulled out a battered file bursting with scraps of parchment and sticky notes. Bill put his hand through the opening and retrieved a stack of old magazines.

"The Lovegoods," said Bill as he riffled through the pages of an old Quibbler. He stopped at a circular drawing with a star inside it.

Tom sighed and grabbed the magazine from Bill's hands. He glanced at the page. "Do you think they ever really guessed how close they were?"

"Xenophilius? Are you kidding?"

"Mmph."

The four files and stack of magazines were placed on Note's desk, and the three employees attempted to make themselves seem busy as they waited for the arrival of their supervisor.

At precisely ten minutes to eleven, the elevator doors dinged open, and out walked an annoyed-looking Note with a babbling Pecksniff scurrying behind him.

"Ah, sir, welcome back!" greeted Charlotte. "Mr. Pecksniff, would you like a cup of tea?"

"Oh, don't mind if I do, Miss…?"

"It's Troffs," interrupted Note tersely. He had been forced to listen to Pecksniff simper and smirk and try to get information out of him about the Fullmetal Alchemist the entire ride down the elevator. He was an Unspeakable, for crying out loud. Didn't the guy realize that he couldn't tell him anything?!

Note sat at his desk and gestured for Pecksniff to take a seat. The large man obliged as Note grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from his desk. He wrote as Pecksniff squirmed.

"Um, if you don't mind my asking…"

Note put his quill down and looked up at the other man. Pecksniff squirmed under his suddenly intense gaze. "This is an official interview with the Unspeakable Howard Note and –what's your first name?"

"Bernard."

"—Bernard Pecksniff. The interviewer is Note, and the interviewee, Bernard Pecksniff, understands that if he even attempts to communicate any part of what is said, heard, asked, or otherwise implied, he, the interviewee, will be incapacitated both mentally, physically, and magically."

Pecksniff's eyes bulged. "What?! I don't understand…what is going on here?!"

Note sighed. "You're being interviewed for official Unspeakable information. Do you really think we wouldn't take these sorts of precautions?"

"But this is the Office of Passage! You're not even—!" Pecksniff stopped.

Note decided to pretend he hadn't heard that. "You will sign here and enter into a legally and magically binding contract."

Pecksniff took the quill from Note and shakily signed his name. As soon as he had lifted the quill, the parchment burst into flame. A small pile of ash lay on Note's desk. Note brushed it into his hand and placed a pinch in each corner of his office and brushed his bottom lip with it. He instructed Pecksniff to do the same. After the large man had done so, the ash glowed purple and disappeared.

"Good. Let's begin."

Ed pushed his spaghetti around on his plate and tried not to notice Dean glaring at him. It had been a few days since his escape, and at the moment they were hiding out in the other boy's apartment before they went to Sweden. Ed had no idea why Dean hated him so much. It wasn't like it was his fault using Skemy Pods turned your face green! Of course, Dean's face wasn't green anymore. It had started to fade after the first few hours. Luna said that was normal.

Normal. Right.

"Luna," called Ed. Dean's scowl deepened. "Have you gotten in touch with Rosa yet?"

Luna stuck her head out of the tiny kitchen. She had a spoon sticking out of her mouth and was holding her most recent discovery: yogurt. Dean had had a carton in his fridge, and it was Luna's official favorite. "Mmm?"

"Have you gotten in touch with Rosa yet."

Luna popped the spoon out of her mouth and smiled. Dean's frown briefly abated. Ed made a note of that. A hypothesis was starting to form in the back of his mind…

"She sent a letter with some butter tarts through the Locatorator."

"Oh. What did she say?"

"She said there were some men and a red-haired woman poking around the entrance to the lab, but she didn't open the door for them so they didn't get in. She said they weren't anybody she recognized, but they talked a lot about things like chocolate and cinnamon."

"Chocolate and cinnamon?"

"Yeah. She said it sounded like they were making something. But it had all sorts of weird things in it."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like silk and artichokes and iron and stuff."

"Huh. That's weird."

Luna shrugged and put another spoonful of yogurt in her mouth. There was a moment of silence.

"Could it be some sort of spell?" asked Dean. It seemed that he was curious in spite of himself. "You put all sorts of weird things in potions."

Luna nodded. "I guess it could be, but I've never heard of a potion that involved all of those."

"Yeah, me neither," sighed Dean.

There was another silence and Ed rolled his spaghetti around on his fork. The sauce wasn't very good. It was too red. Made the noodles look like little bloody worms. Yuck. Ed pushed away his plate and sighed. Then he had a sudden thought.

"Dean, have you ever heard of anyone with the initials CHS?"

Luna dropped her spoon and leaped toward Dean. "I never even thought that CHS might be a muggle! Good thought, Ed." She turned to Dean. "Is there anyone famous with those initials?"

Dean looked shocked to suddenly find Luna almost in his lap and Ed eagerly anticipating his reply. "Uh…CHS?"

Luna and Ed nodded.

"Um…not that I've heard of…but we could try to look it up on the Internet. If he was a famous muggle, then he'll be there."

Luna jumped up. "Where's the Internet? Let's go find it!"

"It's right here, Luna," Dean laughed.

She looked left and right, up and down, and finally her big eyes settled on Dean. "You're CHS?"

Dean laughed again. Ed could tell he was enjoying himself. "The Internet is a big database where muggles can put information and stuff for everyone in the world to see. I have wireless, so all we need is my lap-top."

Luna was nodding like she understood, but Ed had no clue what Dean was talking about. Database? Lap-top? And what the heck did it mean to 'have wireless?' But Dean didn't really seem to be paying attention to Ed's knowledge predicament. He was rummaging in a briefcase, pulling out wires and all sorts of things Ed wanted to play with. Dean stuck some wires in a flat box and opened it. Ed and Luna gasped.

"This is my computer. It's muggle thing."

Ed had never seen anything like it. A glowing picture was on one side of the box, and there was a bunch of buttons with letters on them on the other side. Dean touched a small square beneath the buttons.

"It moved!" Ed pointed at the glowing picture and Luna screamed and grasped his arm tightly. Dean chuckled and moved his finger on the square. "Don't worry, it's supposed to do that." Ed and Luna watched in astonishment as Dean 'popped up a few windows' and 'logged in' because his 'wireless was password protected' and 'opened Firefox'.

"Alright, now I'll just Google 'CHS' and we'll be in business."

Ed glanced to his left and was glad his wasn't the only mouth hanging open. Luna's eyes seemed to be bigger than normal.

"Congratulations! You have been selected to receive a 1000 dollar Wall-mart gift card! To obtain your free gift card, click on—!"

"There's someone in that box!" screeched Luna. Ed was pretty creeped out, too.

"No, no...that's just a pop-up. Here—I'll turn the sound off." Dean pressed a button and the person's voice faded.

Ed and Luna exchanged a glance. "Are you sure you don't have a Pjork stuck in there? They've been known to mimic a human's voice and try to convince people that they need something they really don't."

Dean looked at Luna. Ed wondered briefly if Dean was going to be like the other wizards and negate everything Luna said. He was just about ready to defend Luna when Dean turned back to his computer.

"Well, it's definitely not a Pjork. Might be a Reezlemot, though."

Luna nodded sagely, and Dean rose a few notches on Ed's 'Good People' list.

"Well, there's about 15,100,000 hits for 'CHS'."

Even Ed, who knew nothing about the Internet, knew that was not a good thing.

"I'll try to narrow it down. Let's see—alchemy…26,000…alternate universe…2,640… Are you Jewish?"

"What?"

"There's a couple of things on here that talk about Jewish alchemy. Are you Jewish?"

"I have no idea what that is."

"Okay, minus Jewish…1,650…and you're not from China…758." Dean paused. "I think we're going to have to go through these one by one." He clicked on the first one. "Might as well get started."

Ed and Luna watched for a little while as Dean went through the list. Then they got bored, and Ed returned to his now-cold spaghetti and Luna dragged out a copy of her father's magazine.

Ed gave up on his spaghetti (again) and took to sighing loudly and scratching his head. Which apparently annoyed Luna, because after his sixth sigh he found a copy of The Quibbler plunked down in his lap. Ed sighed one more time, just for good measure, and cracked open a page.

'The Meaning Behind the Madness—an insider's view to life with Umplerytes!'

'Wobbling Nonatroads and their cousins, Skipping Hexipods'

Ugh, thought Ed. He threw the magazine aside and glanced at Luna, who was reading her magazine upside down. Ed took a brief glance at the cover and sighed—almost.

"Erp!"

Luna looked at him over her magazine. "Ed?"

Dean raised his head from his computer. "What's up?"

Ed eye's met Luna's, and with a voice that trembled with anticipation, he whispered,

"What are Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?"

How about that? Heeheee...I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooove Crumple-Horned Snorkacks!! And I like Note, too. I think he and Charlotte and gonna get together...unless...hoo, now that's an idea...haha!! That would be hilarious!! Heeheeeee!! I'm not gonna teell...

Anyway, hope you enjoyed that chapter! I've gotten over 200 reviews! Thanks so much, guys! I have to say, I wasn't expecting so much enthusiasm for my little...what's it called? A plot bubble?

Heehee.

Ciao, mis queridos...which I think is 'darlings' in Spanish...I don't remember...

churu