In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (Black humor gal!)
Alice! (Hi, girl!)
Johnny! (What a cool guy!)
Yuuuri! (He's a wisecracker.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
"I'm telling you…mine's is way better!"
"Shrimp, no way!"
"What are you doing…GOD! GUYS!"
"Sorry, Shania…But Yuri is in denial. Mine's better."
"Listen kid, I've seen better on dummies!"
"Ha!"
"..why are you guys painting spare clothes?"
Yuri threw down his paint brush. "We're making these boring jumpsuits into something better. You should have seen the ugly red color before."
Shania picked up her book that she dropped. "With paint?"
Johnny (secretly painting over Yuri's design) answered. "Just a contest. Who's design wins will get made into spacesuits."
"Spacesuits?"
"Sure! How else are we going to escape?"
Alice appeared from the kitchen, holding some hot buns. "Rewire the rockets to take us back home?" Before anyone could say anything, Yuri rushed over and grabbed two of the buns and stuffed them in his mouth, with Alice adding, "Tact, Yuri, tact."
"Mmmm…don't care. The only thing to eat was Gilbert's canned food. Greenbeans! Brussels sprouts! Sunflower seeds! That guy has a weird diet."
"Remember, this is 'torture'." Alice pointed out, handing out the buns to the others.
"And besides," added Yuri. "We're not following continuity of the song." And the instant he said that, the food disappeared. But before anyone could beat up Yuri, the main screen switched on. Both villains appeared. Gilbert spoke first.
"I see that you're planning your useless escape plan from my inescapable station. I didn't spend months perfecting this jail-like station. It would take a super genius to bring it back down to Earth."
Johnny spoke back. "Give a minute or two to find a bug. There WILL be one." So he walked out of Gilbert's view to find that one bug.
(SPOILER: There is one.)
Gilbert tried to say something, but was interrupted by Nicolai. "Guess what? Today, instead of delaying the story, we're jumping right into it. And you know all the stars in it. Why the main one is the Grand Papillion!"
"Joys of joys. I get to see something stupid over something…less stupid." Yuri flat-panned. The sirens blared.
"YOU GOT MOVIE SIGN!" shouted Nicolai before switching off. The robots came out of nowhere, and herded the crew into the theatre.
The Adventures of Grand Papillion
Yuri: Oh boy! Gayness!
AN: Cue Batman music!
Alice: I should play the 'Superman' theme here, right Yuri?
Yuri: Go ahead!
Shania: Which theme is a good question right now.
I don't own it!
Johnny: Yes, we get it every single fanfic author. WE'RE NOT IDIOTS.
This is a one shot!
Shania: Author's a little crazy ain't he?
Johnny (Author): Please read this! Please, oh please, read this?
A little look-see into the possibility of Grand Papillion getting his own TV show!
Yuri: Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky!
Johnny: Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness!
Shania: Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Alice: The dead rising from the grave!
Yuri: Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria!
Shania: And that just the beginning!
If people like it I will write more adventures tee hee!
Alice: When you hear 'tee hee', you know there is going to be trouble.
Featuring: Joachim (Grand Papillion),
Johnny: AKA, The Great Ham!
Keith Valentine (Bat Boy),
Shania: After last time's story, that's perfect casting!
Rose (Lucia),
Yuri: You spent hours thinking that up, didn't you?
Anastasia and Yuma (Damsels in distress)
Alice: Well, half-right isn't that bad…
Yuri Hyuga (Evil Mastermind don't ask!)
Yuri: …what?
Johnny: Sounds right.
Alice: Agreed.
Shania: At least this story has decent casting.
Yuri: I HATE YOU ALL!
Kurando Inugami (Biggest Fan),
Shania: How much you want to bet this going to be the exact opposite of what is shown here?
(Everyone raises hands)
Karin Koenig (Femme Fatale)
Yuri: Karin Koenig as Karin Koenig!
and Yoshiko Kawashima (brat).
Alice: She was on set only for the candy.
'Welcome to Grand Papillion and Bat Boy Adventures!' Big booming voice.
Johnny: 'Big-booming voice' says, "Drink Pepsi."
'This week, Grand Papillion goes shopping!'
Shania: Boring, this is so boring! Get to the show…oh, shoot, this is the show!
Scene One – The mastermind unveils his plot…
Yuri: To eat all the cookies in the world!
Alice: Destroy all the Brussels spouts in the world!
Johnny: Help Jehovah's Witnesses!
Shania: TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Nicolai: OF COURSE!
Yuri: WHAT?
Nicolai: Hehe….
'Look Bat Boy, it's the shopping arcade!' Grand Papillion shouted in excitement. 'I bet we could get a thousand good deals here!'
Alice (Grand Papillion): Look, a deal to buy a book that will double your IQ or no money back. Gee, I don't know…o.k., sounds good to me.
'Fascinating.' Bat boy replied sarcastically. 'So why are we here again Grand Papillion?'
Johnny (Grand Papillion): To look for plot!
The muscled man laughed loudly. 'Cant you just see the crime here?
Shania: My god, those purses are cheap! Evil villains, beware!
Thieves, pickpockets, over priced coats! It goes on and on!
Yuri: Murders, rapists, bad food! Kidnappers, liars…
Everyone else: ENOUGH!
We are here to end it and bring justice to the shoppers of this district! Isn't it exciting!'
Everyone: Thrilling…
Yuri: Like Twilight!
Bat boy groaned. 'Nauseatingly so.'
Alice: Gasp, Keith has become somewhat likeable!
Yuri: RUN FOR THE HILLS! IT'S A DECENT CHARACTER!
'Come Bat Boy! We must expose the criminals!' Grand Papillion stalked off towards a young man hunched over and laughing evil-like. 'What are you planning evil doer!'
Johnny: Shooting a politician, destroying precious works of art…my day is packed!
The young man stood up, 'Grand Papillion how nice of you to visit! Muahahahahahaha!'
Shania: WELCOME TO DIE!
'Look out Bat Boy it's Hunky Harmonixer, the most notorious evil master mind known to man!' Grand Papillion cried out!
Yuri: (Twitches)
Alice: Johnny, Shania, get behind the seats. Now.
Johnny: R-right.
Yuri: HUNKY HARMONIXER? HUNKY? (Random mad outbursts occur for a full three minutes. Due to the show's 'T' rating, we leave the sayings to the audience's imagination.)
Alice: Done?
Yuri: For a while, I guess.
'Tell me what your notorious plans are, Hunky Harmonixer!'
Yuri:…SORRY, GOING FOR TWO. (More outbursts)
'Muahahahaha, you can never beat me Grand Papillion! I've teamed up with Karin the Killer and together we are going to take over this shopping arcade, and the one down the street, then the one by the river!
Alice: The one by the pub, the one by the bottomless pit…
Then we'll take over the world,
Nicolai: OF COURSE!
Johnny: Stop that!
after we take over the shop near the sea…'
Bat Boy sighed. 'We get it already, get on with it.'
Shania: Thank you, Bat Boy.
'Oh right! You'll never be able to stop me Muahahahahahahahahah!' Hunky Harmonixer raced off down the street laughing loudly.
Yuri: I shall continue my evil deeds in the next department! MUAHAHA…
'Oh no! He's getting away!' Grand Papillion yelled pointing after him heroically.
Alice: As he heroically grabbed his meal by heroically jumping over the heroic bush, and he heroically bite into his hero sandwich.
For a moment every thing stopped and crickets chirped.
Johnny: And the rest of the world started to boo.
Grand Papillion turned back to Bat Boy who shrugged at him. 'What do you want me to do about it?'
Shania (G.P.): Blow stuff up! That's all we know to do!
'Never mind Bat Boy! We'll get him next time….' He answered narrowing his eyes.
Scene Two – Damsels in distress!
Yuri: Prepare for epic goofiness!
The two young ladies cried out at one another. 'No I saw it!'
Alice: But it's my turn to cut it in half!
'No its mine!' The other one yelled. 'I want it, I want it! You already have lots of clothes, Anastasia!'
Johnny (Anastasia): So?
'So! I saw it first! And I have the money for it, you don't.' Anastasia yelled back. 'You can't have it if you can't afford it!'
Shania (Anastasia): So, hahaha, FAIL NOOB.
'Ladies? What seems to be the matter here?' Grand Papillion said stepping into the middle.
Yuri: Remember girls, if you see a weirdo, you know what to do?
Alice & Shania: Run away and call S.W.A.T.!
Johnny: That's my girls!
'Back off oaf!' Anastasia yelled kicking him in the shin, knocking the big man to the ground. 'It's none of your business!'
Alice (G.P.): GAH! A kick to my shins! My one true weakness!
Yuma kicked him too. 'Yeah, who said you could interrupt? Didn't you ever hear of manners?'
Johnny: Manners is when you kick weirdoes!
Bat Boy laughed to himself. 'I like these two.'
Shania (B.B.): They beating up him! I like that in a woman!
'Let's go Yuma.' Anastasia said offering her the item of clothing. 'We can share it.' 'Sounds fair Anastasia.' Yuma answered walking off.
Yuri: See? Violence does solve problems!
Alice: Humph.
From the ground Grand Papillion stands shakily. 'Another problem solved by Grand Papillion and Bat Boy.'
Alice: Huzzah! I got beat up by two little girls!
'What?' Bat Boy asked. 'But we didn't…'
'Come now, Bat Boy! Don't be modest let us continue on our quest to fight crime!' The big man limped off towards another stall.
Johnny: Curses! Those girls must be evil! They were wearing steel-toed boots!
Scene Three – Femme Fatale
Shania: ADVENTURE HO!
She stood there in the street and grinned smugly to herself. 'Raise it by another 100 percent! That should keep the customers paying! Ha ha ha ha ha!'
Yuri(Karin): Ha ha ha, hey, where is everyone going?
She laughed, stopping after a moment. 'Oh no! It's Grand Papillion!'
Alice(Karin): Quick, get me my shotgun!
'Bat Boy, beware! Look it's Karin the Killer! I wonder what diabolical plan she is hatching in that clever mind of hers!'
Johnny: I GOT IT! Karin the Killer's next plan of action is to…kick a dog.
Shania: Truly evil!
'Who cares?' Bat Boy answered smiling at her, 'I wanna know how she fitted into that tiny skirt…'
Shania: BAT BOY! NO! LOOK AWAY!
Johnny: Do you really care?
Shania: No.
Yuri: Yeah, I also like to know how she gets into that skirt(Alice hits him) OW.
Grand Papillion dived in front of him. 'No do not look at the blinding orange! That is how she entices people to stop!'
Yuri (B.B.): Her power of 'stop' is too much! I can't make it…
Johnny (G.P.): Bat Boy? BAT BOOOOOOOYYYY!
'Well it's working!' Bat Boy answered pushing his overgrown ape over. 'And I wanna be stopped!'
Alice (B.B.): Don't stop the mussssiiicccc!
Shania: Music make me lose control!
Grand Papillion frantically looked around for a way to save his sidekick. 'Oh Karin, your legs look fat in that!' He shouted at the woman who stood there blank for a moment.
Johnny(G.P.): You like it? I use that line on every girl I meet!
'W-w-why did you say something so… so mean!' She ran away crying. '!'
Shania: Great, now she's going to take her anger on some poor passer-by.
Alice: Tomorrow headlines: "Karin the Killer Strikes Again! 5 people dead in street! Moron to blame!"
Yuri: Woo, I smell a riot!
Bat Boy looked disgusted. 'Why did you do that?'
Yuri (B.B.): I was enjoying the strip show!
'I had to save you and the people buying her Killer Coats! They were so over priced any way…'
Alice(G.P.: girly): And they were all the wrong color, sister!
He replied. 'Yes one more victory for Grand Papillion!'
Bat Boy grumbled. 'Sometimes brother, I think you're an idiot…'
Everyone: NO, REALLY?
'Let us continue!'
Everyone: NO!
Scene Four – My Biggest Fan
Johnny: A dumb kid on crack?
Yuri: No, himself.
'Oh look Bat Boy it's an adoring fan!' Grand Papillion cried out.
Shania(G.P.): The middle finger straight up means he likes me!
Bat Boy stopped and looked around the floor. 'Since when did people actually like you saving them?'
Yuri: Boy, Keith is working overtime to make up for the last story!
One lone young man sat at a café table absentmindedly chewing on his pencil.
Alice(O.l.y.m): Hmm, cherry…
'I think he's doing a cross word…' Bat Boy answered. 'Just leave him…'
Johnny (B.B., finishing up): …to do something intelligent.
'A cross word? Oh no! The very embodiment of all things dastardly!' Grand Papillion cried out striking a pose.
Shania: Tell me about it! How should I know what happened in 1616?
'What? Are you drunk or something? How could a cross word be dastardly?' His sidekick whined.
Yuri: As always. Heck, everyone does that here.
'They force you to think of ways to answer their senseless riddles and they hide secret codes to brain wash you. I must save him from his predicament.
Alice: I knew it! Grand Papillion is a commie!
Yuri: Aye, comrade! To arms!
Shania: For the glory of Animal Farm!
!'
Johnny: Sorry, not enough 'p's.
The young man looked up in fright as the huge muscled man raced towards him, running like a waddling duck.
Yuri: You know, I never figured out why he ran like that…
Shania: Hey, it's my turn!
'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' He yelled jumping up and moving out of the way just in time
Shania: Dear lord, a duck is about to attack me!
as the wrestler tackled the table and ripped his paper to shreds, including the cross word he had just spent an hour on.
Alice: Oh yes, we forgot for a minute he was doing a crossword puzzle. We thought the newspaper was evil!
Shania: Don't you know? Newspapers blame the Hollywood stars for everything!
'Kurando are you okay?' Anastasia cried out running to his aid.
Johnny(Anastasia): Luckily, I filled out life insurance for you, with me as your sole benefactor!
'I'm fine, but I'm going to have a phobia of leather for the rest of my life.' He answered staring at the individual that was demolishing his paper.
Shania: Eww, he's peeing on it now!
'Oh no. I ran into him earlier when I was shopping with Yuma. He's weird.'
Yuri: I think he ate Yuma in between scenes.
Anastasia answered. 'Let's get out of here before he thinks the sky is falling.' She said running away with Kurando.
Alice: 'Sigh', 3…2…1…
'What?' Grand Papillion yelled. 'The sky is falling? Every vampire for himself!'
Everyone: Predictable.
He dived under the coffee table and wrapped the table cloth around his shoulders.
'Oh how heroic.' Bat Boy answered. 'You sure inspired him too.'
Johnny: I'm inspired all right. To make a book called, "Stupid Guy does Stupid Guy stuff.
Yuri: I'll buy that.
After about half an hour of convincing Grand Papillion the sky wasn't falling they continued on their quest.
Shania: TO CAMELOT!
Everyone: We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance when ere we're able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our show are formidable,
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're Opera mad in Camelot,
We sing from the diaphragm
a looooooot.
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests,
And impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot,
I have to push the pram a lot.
Shania: Oh second thought, let's not go to Camelot, it's a silly place.
Yuri: Still, better there than here.
A young girl walked past and laughed. 'Ha Ha! You're stupid!'
'Yoshiko!' A voice yelled out. 'You brat get over here!'
Yuri: Oh, I get it! Yoshiko was cast as a 'brat' and that woman called her a brat! Wow, such an important character she was! Ah hah hah…god, that was stupid.
Finale – The lovely Rose…
Alice: It was nice for the author to tell us the end of the story.
Yuri: But hey, we can ab-lib! The lovely Rose has wilted.
Alice: …is drunk.
Johnny: …is a hooker!
Shania: …is a transvestite!
(Alice and Yuri look at Johnny and Shania)
Shania: Dark humor…
Yuri: Yes. It still is disturbing.
'Oh no help!' She cried out waving out wildly. 'Oh please wont some body help me!'
Johnny: Oh no, IT'S LUCIE!
(Everyone tries to escape, but Nicolai has locked the doors.)
Nicolai: Can't let you do that, heroes!
(Every grumbles, and sits down)
'Look Bat Boy! That beautiful woman is in danger, we must save her!'
Shania: Leaving her to die is an option.
Grand Papillion yelled racing towards her, stopping for a moment as Hunky Harmonixer landed in front of him.
Yuri:…HUNKY? HHHUUUUNNNNNKKKKKKYYYYYYY…
Alice: Give him a moment.
'I should have known it was you!'
Alice: After all, you're the only guy to be a real villain!
Shania: I guess Karin the Killer is now Karin the Missing.
'Who else would it be? This is your first villain!' Bat Boy answered shrugging.
Johnny: I knew it! Karin didn't count!
'I shall thwart your evil ways!' The muscular vampire yelled. 'And I will save the world!'
Nicolai: OF COUR…(Everyone beats him up, somehow)OW!
'Muahahahahaha! You can't beat me! My plan is flawless!' Hunky Harmonixer laughed, 'and with Karin the Killer on my side I'm unbeatable!'
Shania(H.H.): But first, I need to dock her pay. She's late!
Grand Papillion stood up straight and laughed. 'Hahahah I have defeated Karin and now I shall defeat you!'
Yuri: MORTAL KOMBAT!
So a battle ensued between them and they fought for hours. All sorts of words popped up.
Alice: Like…boring.
Yuri: …stupid.
Johnny: …lazy
Shania: …unimpressive.
'Kapow! Bang! Schlap! Pow!'
Johnny: EARTH! FIRE!
Shania: WIND! WATER!
Alice: HEART!
Yuri: Wait, that has nothing to do with the above sentence!
Johnny: By your powers combined, I'm Captain Onomonopia!
When the dust cleared there was hardly anything left of the shopping arcade.
Shania: Huh. Grand Papillion was a commie!
Yuri(G.P.: Russian accent): Down with the market economy!
Hunky Harmonixer screamed in frustration. 'You may have one the battle Grand Papillion, but not the war! Hahahahahahahahahahah!' He yelled running off.
Yuri: SEE YOU,….
He would have got away too, if he watched where he was going. He ran head first into a lamp post and knocking himself out cold…
Alice (Yuri): D'oh!
'That was pathetic…' Bat Boy groaned. 'Can I put in my two weeks notice? Please?'
Johnny: Don't we all?
'Ha Bat Boy we have done it! We have thwarted Hunky Harmonixer and saved the world from his wrath.'
Shania: Don't forget making a woman cry, giving nightmares to a young man, annoying two girls, and oh yeah, destroying the whole shopping center. But hey, we stopped an evil villain.
Yuri: What evil villain? I was just trying to make people buy these special washrags, but no, some loud mouth moron thinks because I have a handlebar mustache and a have tendency to laugh evilly makes me a villain…
'My Hero!' Rose yelled running forward and hugging him.
Yuri(Rose): Eew, you have cooties!
'It was my pleasure…' The hero replied bashfully.
Alice(G.P.): …to ruin your day! Can I do it tomorrow?
Suddenly five police cars pulled up. 'Freeze!'
Johnny: Man, those Fanfiction cops I called a while back took their sweet time getting here!
Big Booming Voice – So Grand Papillion and Bat Boy thwarted the evil mastermind Hunky Harmonixer and saved the world from his over pricing and world domination…
Shania: Don't forget, buy Wheaties.
'You just had to destroy the shopping arcade didn't you?' Bat Boy whined.
Grand Papillion laughed. 'This is just a minor set back Bat Boy! We will get the bail sorted soon… I hope.'
Yuri: First episode, and cancellation all ready?
(Everyone gets up to leave)
'Stay tuned until next week when Grand Papillion and Bat Boy Take on the Queer Eyes for the Vampires!
Alice: Hey, a Twilight bashing episode!
Johnny: It might be worth watching!
Until next time, Stay strong and fight all evil doers!'
Shania: And destroy everything in sight!
"Hah-ha! I'm the Godslayer, and this is my beautiful sidekick, The White Lady!" heroically shouted Yuri, wearing his regular outfit, with a cape and an eye mask, somehow making his eyes white. Alice had the same deal, but without the cape.
"Hohoho! Godslayer, you met your match! I, Maliceman, and Fusion Gal, shall stop you!" said Johnny, who he and Shania followed Yuri and Alice's suit.
"Have at you villain!" Yuri shouted as he lunged at Johnny, and the two began to roll around the floor, pretending to fight, while saying 'Pow!' and stuff like that. Alice and Shania followed suit, but it was much more like a catfight. Yuri and Johnny stopped to record this event with video cameras they found, until Alice and Shania came after them.
"If I didn't know better, I think you people actually enjoy the stories." Said Nicolai, who been watching the entire scene. The four of them stopped, slowly removed their costumes, and slowly walked over to Nicolai's screen…
"No matter how hard you try, you can't annoy me. I put up with Gilbert."
"To answer your question, no, we didn't enjoy today's story. We did enjoy making fun of it. This is one way to mock it, and show you how that can't beat us. Now, before you say anything, we do know that next time is the second chapter." Said Yuri.
"Yes. However…if you want to play superheroes…" Nicolai pressed a button on a wall. Instantly, the robots appeared. "Have fun with my Killyourface Robots, heroes!" He disappeared.
"Hey guys and gals." Said Yuri.
"What?"
"Wouldn't it be nice to have our powers back?"
The robots just stood, confused on why one of the heroes were being beaten up by his friends.
The hard part of this chapter? The scenes outside the story. I never was a fan of non-movie segements, save for some really good ones. Ah well. Review, and I see how fast I can work for the third chapter. Check out my other stories please!
Also, the editing of this was hell. Paragraphs went haywire, random bits were cut out...aargh. So you might see some problems, i did my best to find them all. Sorry.