In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (Black humor gal!)
Alice! (Hi, girl!)
Johnny! (What a cool guy!)
Yuuuri! (He's a wisecracker.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
"Hey." Johnny found something on the table in the living room. It was a letter, in a white envelope and having nothing on it save for one word, 'READ'. The others crowed around him as he opened it. Johnny pulled out the note contained and read it out loud to everyone.
Dear morons,
We came to the conclusion that our method of dealing with you just isn't working. Even with the story we're sending you is bad, we may need to up the ante. So we decided to follow the example of the people who inspired us and have a exchange of inventions. Seeing of course that all of you are morons, we'll give you some time to make your first invention. You have until the end of today's episode to make one.
Oh, we had a choice to either talk to you via screen, or send you a letter and work on our invention. So we sent you the letter via teleport and we work on our invention while you watch 'Calvin and Hobbes: Island of Doom!' Enjoy.
~Gilbert
"Lovely." Yuri grabbed the note, tore it to shreds, and tossed it out the airlock. He sat down in one of the chairs and twiddled his thumbs. The rest stared at him. Yuri did a double-take and shouted, "You waiting for a rock to bash you in the head? Get down here and help me beat the two dumb-asses at their game!"
Shania shook her head. "Gilbert is a mad sciencist and Nicolai is cunning. They will cheat."
Yuri looked at her. "So we cheat."
"How?"
"…" Yuri stood in thought. Alice sat down next to him. She patted his shoulder.
"Don't worry." She said. "We can do it. We just have to work together, and maybe we can find something to get us home." Johnny smiled when he realize they might not win, but they can build a way back home. He grabbed Shania by the arm.
"Come on, partner! We got to build…something!" He dragged her off screen.
"Should we follow?" Alice asked. Yuri shook his head, holding up three fingers. One finger went down, then two and once all fingers down…
The lights went nuts and the cry "WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!"came into the air. Johnny ran with Shania to the theatre with Yuri and Alice on foot.
Author's note: This is my first story. Hope you enjoy it!
Yuri: It always gets the young ones.
One sunny summer day, a blonde-headed 6 year-old named
Calvin, was sitting in his tree house with his best buddy,
Hobbes.
Alice (Calvin): How do we get down from here?
They were planning G.R.O.S.S. club attacks on
their neighbour, Susie Derkins.
Johnny: The booger cannon is a fan favorite.
"Well Hobbes, looks like
we're in for a great summer of freedom to waste on ourselves!" Calvin said, grinning.
Shania (Calvin): Did you bring the beer?
Johnny (Hobbes): Of course! Captain Morgan?
"Yep. Nothing to do but play!" Hobbes
Agreed.
Yuri: That's disgusting!
Calvin: We leave you with that nice mental picture!
At that point, Calvin's Dad called from inside the house.
"Calvin, come here! I've got a surprise!"
Alice: It's a lion!
Yuri: Get in the car!
Shania: I won't say the obvious joke. But we know Calvin is adopted!
Calvin went in and over to Dad, who was packing suitcases.
Johnny: Filled with the dead bodies of past G.R.O.S.S. enemies.
Calvin stopped dead in his tracks, gasped and ran yelling,
"RUN HOBBES! DAD'S ON A CHARACTER BUILDING RAMPAGE!"
Shania: And he has the chainsaw…ah!
They then hid behind the couch.
Yuri: In the house that his dad owns. See the problem?
"Calvin, come out! This trip will
be fun!" Dad Yelled.
Alice (Dad): We're going to Disneyland!
Shania (Calvin): Hooray!
Alice (Dad): …France!
Shania (Calvin): Poopy!
"Oh, yep. Camping on a deserted rock is terrific! We get to sit in
a soaked tent, eat nothing but SPAM,
Everyone: SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
WONDERFUL SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM!
and watch fish gasp for
water in a bucket!" Calvin groaned.
Johnny: Then put water in the bucket. It keeps them alive and fresh!
But, even with his
complaining, the next day, he was in the car, heading for
some ugly old island.
Shania: So the entire rant and hiding behind the couch scene was completely pointless! Haha-haha!
Sorry about the short chapter. The next one will be longer!
Yuri: Lies! All lies!
The second chapter is here!
Alice: And everyone celebrated.
Everyone: Yay.
"Dad, are we there yet?" Calvin moaned after sitting in the car for
2 hours. "Yes, almost." Dad said, annoyed.
Johnny (Calvin): You would be complaining if you been strapped into the car two hours before the trip even began!
"Hey, Dad? Can we stop for hamburgers?"
Shania: People burgers?
"No! Not hamburgers! We've had nothing but hamburgers
for this whole trip! Let's get something else!" Dad yelled.
Yuri: Well, what about people-dogs?
Shania: Nah, I have people-soup.
Calvin grumbled about the injustices in the world,
Alice: Like how he had home, food and two parents who haven't strangled him yet!
And then sang, "TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL,
TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER-
Johnny: Only 999,999 bottles to go! Come on, pitch in!
Yuri: Nay.
"All right, all right! Here's a burger joint, are you happy!" Dad
screamed in frustration.
Shania: You know? Fanfiction should be original, not stolen from the original source!
Johnny: And now we know why this story is a common target!
They stopped at the restaurant and went
in. Mom and Dad got salads while Calvin ordered an Ultra Deluxe
Mega Super Triple Deluxe Mega-Size Burger.
Yuri: And it is ultra deluxe mega super triple deluxe bad!
It had 10 slices
of meat, 4 pieces of cheese, 9 tomatoes, 14 pickles, and 3 slices
of lettuce.
Alice: You first must have life insurance before you can buy it!
"Wow, that's one HECK OF A BURGER!" Calvin
exclaimed.
Johnny: How you can even bite into it?
Unfortunately, Dad stopped him from buying it.
"Calvin, if you're that hungry, I'll get you a Kid's Meal!" Dad
yelled.
Shania: So you can stay hungry!
So Calvin ended up with only 1 slice of meat, and a
piece of cheese on a bun.
Yuri: And the rest of the meat can go to starving orphans around the world!
After lunch, it was back on the road. Calvin and Hobbes were
bored out of their skulls, and Mom was VERY grumpy.
Alice: Because all she got was a salad.
"Oh, great.
A whole week without one decent cup of real coffee, or a single
newspaper." She said, angrily.
Johnny: Like many women around the world!
"I see you were up too late,
packing." Dad said, "But this build a lot of char- "DON'T SAY
THAT WORD, DAD!" Calvin interrupted angrily.
Shania (Calvin): You know that word is EVIL!
After a while,
something bad happened. A FLAT TIRE.
Yuri: Damn minor road inconveniences!
Shania: IT'S BAD.
Alice: IT'S REALLY BAD.
Johnny: This is a problem to poor people. To a middle-class family, this shouldn't be a problem.
OK. I lied. This chapter wasn't much longer. I'm sorry, please don't give me bad reviews!
Alice: Don't worry. We'll post constructively.
Hi, I'm back! Here's the third chapter!
Johnny: You were gone all only a couple of seconds! Mommy!
Shania: Shh. Don't worry, the scary author will be gone in a few.
"Uh oh, looks like a flat." Dad said.
Shania (Dad): But it looks like an elephant to me.
Johnny (Dad): I mean, only the bottom is flat! The whole thing should be flat!
Calvin started yelling
unfriendly words at the tire,
Yuri: Like 'meanie.'
Alice: And 'dummy.'
Johnny: Don't forget the always classic 'your momma's' jokes.
Shania: Calvin trains tires for the army obstacle course!
until Mom shut him up. "Calvin!
No cursing!" Mom scolded.
Alice: IT'S NOT GOOD.
Then Dad opened the trunk to get the
spare tire, and saw nothing but Calvin's comic books,
3 boxes of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Calvin's inventions,
and cans of tuna.
Johnny (Calvin): Hey, where is my death-ray?
Yuri: (Hobbes): I ate it!
"All right Calvin, where did you put the spare!" He screamed.
Shania (Dad): It better not be in my pants again!
"Oh, I had to take it out to get all of my Captain Napalm comics
in." He said.
Yuri (Calvin): And then I threw out the extra fuel for cereal, the second tire for my inventions, and the nuke for the tunas.
Dad and Hobbes both yelled at him for that,
Alice: Why Hobbes? You have all the tuna you want!
and Dad ripped up one comic book, much to Calvin's extreme
anger.
Johnny: Watch out! He might Hulk-out!
Just then, Dad spotted someone in the distance. "Calvin,
come with me." He said, and then ran down the highway.
Shania: The next day, a hitchhiker found the skull of a small human.
Calvin and Hobbes followed.
Yuri: Off a cliff!
"I wonder who that is." Hobbes said. Once
they reached the person, Calvin shouted happily,
Alice: HITLER!"
"UNCLE MAX!"
Max, who was looking the other way, turned and said, "What-
Huh? Hey, bro! Hey Calvin!"
Johnny: Hey, Shania!
Yuri: Hey, Alice!
Alice: Hey, Yuri!
Shania: Hey, Johnny!
"Max?" Dad asked, "Could you help
us out? Our car has a flat. We need to get to a service station."
Shania (Dad): Can I borrow your axe?
"OK, sure. There's one a little down the road from here." Max
replied. "Thanks, c'mon! Oh, and Max, why are you out here?"
Dad asked.
Yuri (Max): What I always do every weekend! Ho-ho!
"My car was stolen." Max said, sighing. "Oh, that's too bad." Dad
said.
Alice (Dad): Sucker!
They then ran back to the car.
After a while of everyone pushing the car, they got to the service
station.
Johnny: They could have just run to the station and got help, but hey, they're MAN!
Yuri: And MAN do things the long and hard way!
Alice: And that's why there isn't that many MAN around anymore.
Dad got a new tire, and invited Max on the trip.
He agreed, and Calvin was a little happier.
Shania: Only for a while.
When they finally reached the island,
Calvin grumbled and said, "Oh boy, Good old Itchy
Island, Home of the Nuclear Mosquitoes."
Yuri: Better than Hell Island, Home of the Devil Mosquitoes.
"Bug bites build character!" Dad said. "Yeah, last year, you said
diarrhea builds character." Calvin shot back.
Alice:...CALL CHILD SERVICES. NOW.
"So think what a
fine young man you'll grow up to be!" Dad said.
Johnny: If you live long enough!
"Yeah, if all this
character doesn't kill me first." Calvin said, walking away with
Hobbes.
Shania: Don't worry. Just ignore your Dad and you'll be fine!
This still isn't that longer chapter I promised. I'm seriously sorry, but I hope you like the story so far. Some action is coming in the next chapter, so get ready.
Yuri: I'm itching.
Here's the action! Meet Dr. Darkshock!
Alice: Congrats John Doe! You're now a mad scientist! What is your evil name?
Yuri: I shall be called…Darkshock!
Up in a tree that night, a camera watched Calvin doing a
Spaceman Spiff fantasy sequence.
Johnny: Ah yes, the Fantasy-Eye! It only records fantasy sequences!
Alice: Only $499.99!
"The incredible
Spaceman Spiff leaps from the smoldering remains of his
spacecraft, and sets of to search the foggy planet Zok.
Shania: All right, everyone. 1, 2, 3…
Everyone: WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES!
He sees an alien approaching.
Yuri: That's just Justin Bieber.
Shania: Same thing.
Spiff dashes behind
A boulder and sets his Death Ray Blaster to Shake 'n
Bake, and leaps out! He blasts the alien, but it only
becomes angry!"
Alice: The power of Bieber is too much for our intrepid hero!
Johnny: The Bieber uses his girly voice to make Spiff's ears bleed!
Calvin had actually blasted Dad with several water balloons,
so within 10 seconds, Calvin was duct-taped into
his sleeping bag.
Johnny: Admit it! You like Bieber! ADMIT IT!
The camera wire inside that tree led down to a
secret lair underneath the island.
Shania: If Calvin and family have been coming here for over 10 years, why did Darkshock choose here?
Alice: His name says it all.
Inside it, a villain named Dr. Darkshock, watched on a TV
screen. "Yes! Oh yes! He's perfect!"
Yuri (Darkshock): Yes, a hyperactive child is perfect. Perfect, I tell you!
He said with a deep, evil
voice,
Alice: As opposed to his high, girly voice.
"He's exactly the person I need. Once I capture him, my
plan to take over the world can be completed! MWA HA HA HAH
HA, AH HA HA HA HA!"
Johnny (Girly Darkshock): He can do my hair!
He laughed maniacally.
Shania: He coughs later.
Up on the island,
Calvin's family was waking up from an interrupted night.
Yuri: Damn college kids and their funky music!
"DEAR! TAKE THAT GAG OFF OF CALVIN'S MOUTH! YOU COULD
KILL HIM!" Mom screamed at Dad, who took it off.
Alice: When Child Services knows your number, it's not a good sign.
"He probably
thinks it would be an improvement." Calvin snorted.
"Don't think that way, Calvin." Max said.
Johnny (Max): He know it!
Dad went out fishing later, so Calvin, Hobbes, Mom, and Max
were alone at the campsite.
Shania: And I won't tell you what they were doing!
Dad hummed to himself as he
headed to the lake.
Yuri: Thrilling!
He rowed the boat out, and cast his line
out.
Alice: I just assumed that he walked his boat out and did the chicken dance.
After catching 3 fish, he saw another boat coming up.
When it reached him, he saw that it was his friend, Bob.
Johnny: Hi, Bob!
"Hey, Bob! It's me!" Dad called. "Back off, chump! I'm busy!"
Bob said, angrily.
Shania (Bob): Don't drag me into your story!
"What the heck?" Dad exclaimed. Bob was his best
friend.
Yuri: WAS. Keyword!
Every Friday, Bob visited and they played cards.
Alice: Dad cheated.
But then why was he suddenly getting so angry at him?
Alice: Because you cheated Bob out of his money, his house, and his wife!
Johnny: Hey, that explains a lot!
Dad stopped thinking about it after a while, and went back to
fishing.
Shania: The fish cheated him out of everything!
After a half hour, he came back and everyone
ate breakfast.
Yuri: Thrilling!
"While I was on the lake, I saw my friend Bob,
and when I said hello to him, he started freaking out at me!"
Alice: That's because you flipped the bird!
Dad told everybody. "He was probably just tired, Dear. You were
out quite early." Mom answered.
Johnny: …that makes no sense. If DAD was out early, then how come BOB was tired?
Yuri: Because Dad is Bob's mortal enemy.
"Hmm, I guess so." Dad said.
Shania (Dad): I talk to him Friday over cards.
After breakfast, Calvin unpacked his stuff. "Hey Hobbes! Wanna
play Calvinball?" He asked. "You bet!" Hobbes answered
cheerfully.
Yuri (Calvin):Hurr! I'm sure glad to have you as a friend Hobbes, buddy, oh, pal!
Johnny (Hobbes): Ah, gosh! That's the nicest thing I ever heard!
They began to play, every minute calling out a
new rule. "Hobbes! You ran into the iced zone! You're frozen for
30 seconds!" Calvin called. "Oh man." Hobbes said, freezing in
place.
Alice (Hobbes): Poopy!
Calvin bonked Hobbes with the ball, thus scoring but
freeing Hobbes. They played for 2 hours before stopping.
Johnny: They got BORED.
Yuri: Like the audience.
Calvin felt a mosquito land on his arm. "Hey!" He said, slapping it.
Shania: Uh-oh! That mosquito was nuclear! Calvin might become Calvinzilla!
Yuri: He might grow a foot or two!
Alice: He burps fire!
Johnny: The horror!
When he hit it, his hand hit somethingHARDand he got
shocked.
Yuri: Rough skin? Well, you need some Johnson's Lotion for that!
"Ow! What was that?" He asked himself. He took the
crushed bug off of
his arm, and stared at it. "Hey, it feels… METTALIC!"
Alice: Hey, the door is…OPEN!"
OOOH, Mystery!
Johnny: Only for the brain-dead.
This was finally the longer chapter! Yeah! I'm still hoping for reviews! Send 'em in!
Shania: I'll tell ya, this kid is going places! Places!
Yuri and Shania were whacking something under a sheet with hammers. Several cartoony noises filled the air while they hit the unknown object several times. Johnny and Alice just sat down and watched the creation of their last-minute invention come together. Shania took one last swing and put the hammer down, finished. As all of them celebrated, the screen switched on, showing Gilbert's ugly face.
"Oh, hey there, Penguin." Yuri said.
"Whatever! Nicolai! Bring it out!" He shouted off-screen. A grunt could be heard. "NICOLAI!" Gilbert's face turned red. Nicolai bought out another object under a sheet into focus and placed it on the table. Gilbert's face now became filled with glee. He danced over to the object and placed his hands around the top of the sheet.
"Ready?" He asked.
"Are you waiting for us to go first?" Asked Yuri.
"No! Presenting…" He threw off the sheet, revealing a small green machine. "The Candy Creator!"
"…pedophile." Said Johnny.
"Whatever!" Gilbert laid his hand on the lever. "Now, this is just a basic invention, but this one can do any sort of candy you ask of it. Nicolai!" Nicolai sighed, and walked back in. Gilbert waved to the machine and Nicolai spoke to the machine, saying, "Gumdrop." And lo and behold, a green gumdrop popped out. Nicolai tried to walk out, but Gilbert grabbed him. "Try it." Nicolai picked up the gumdrop and examined it. Gilbert looked over the scene, and then got the gumdrop shoved down his throat. He coughed it back up and it landed on the table, melting through. Gilbert ran off, holding his mouth with steam coming out. Nicolai picked up the table and threw it into the nearby wood-chipper and the chips went down a chute.
"Well, I guess you enjoyed the story." He said.
"You don't want to see our invention?" Asked Yuri.
"I don't care. Time heals all wounds, and time can open all wounds. I don't need Gilbert's little needs. I can do it all on my own." Nicolai grabbed some long longs and grabbed the gumdrop and it also went into the wood-chipper. It stopped, the acidicdrop melting the metal blades. Eventually the motor stalled and something exploded. Nicolai didn't care.
"So we worked all of five minutes for nothing?" Yuri asked.
Nicolai waved, but before he could speak, Gilbert screamed off-screen and then he continued. "Yes. Yes you did. All of you wasted your time."
"But it was good!" Yuri revealed a larger red machine. "Somehow, beating all the laws and going beyond our intellect, we created a machine that makes toys! Watch!" He shouted to it, "Solider.", and the machine sputtered, and out popped out a plastic WWII solider. He showed it to Nicolai.
He shrugged, and the screen switched off.
End.
Coming soon: Calvin and Hobbes and the Island of Doom! Part 2.
A problem with me is spacing. The Word Document I use has different margins, and when it comes over to the , paragraphs of five lines become paragraphs of two. It sucks, it makes me more lazier than I'm really am. It SUCKS. But my writing style gets to the point fast, so even if I mess with the margins, it wouldn't help. Ah well.
See ya!