Here we go! This is the Ultimate Battle!
Yuri: But not of the ultimate destiny.
Calvin, Hobbes, Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous Man
moved around to form a C shape, the logo of "Team Calvin"
Alice: Insta-teamwork!
As you can probably guess, Team Darkshock formed a D.
Johnny: And they failed!
Yuri: Wait, Calvin passed?
"ATTACK!" Spiff yelled. "LIVE AND DON'T LEARN!" Calvin
screeched as a very stupid battle cry before dashing into
The middle of the D.
Shania: Live and don't die!
"Let the battle commen-OOF!" Darkshock
yelled right before Calvin tackled him.
Yuri: Not the most humble way to go down.
Shania: Darkshock needs to get out more often.
"HA! Pinned ya! 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8, 9,-
Alice (Calvin): What comes after 9.9?
BAM! A power clone slammed into Calvin, so in 2 seconds,
Johnny: The two fused.
Calvin was trying to get his head out of the wall 11 feet away.
Shania: Thank goodness for the safe cartoon walls!
Meanwhile, Hobbes was making his claws useful, and scratching
up the clones when they came near him.
Yuri: When are claws not useful?
Alice: In bed…remember in Rouen?
"HA! Take that! This is
better than helping Socrates prank Calvin! HI-YAH!" Hobbes said.
Alice: Wait, a Greek philosopher is playing games with a stuffed tiger nearly 2000 years after his death?
Yuri: No, it's another character from another author's story. AGAIN.
Eventually, each of Calvin's alter egos ended up fighting a clone,
Johnny: I thought this is was a dance!
And Calvin and Hobbes battled with the real Darkshock.
Shania: It's a clone, ain't it?
"HA!
You think you can defeat-OOF me!" Darkshock yelled.
"Oh yeah, you could say that!" Calvin said, throwing a punch into
the mad doctor's stomach.
Yuri: Looks like Calvin has been going to the gym!
Johnny: No, it's established the Darkshock is a WUSS.
Darkshock ran to the back wall and
whipped a beaker of chemicals out of a crate by the wall.
Alice: Ah, a Deus ex Machina.
He tossed it at Calvin, but missed.
Johnny: Aim at his body, not his shadow!
The beaker hit a robot in the
corner.
Shania: Well, at least the janitor won't have to clean it up.
Darkshock's eyes became the size of dinner plates,
and he whispered the words, "OH NO."
Yuri: Hey! Darkshock is Mr. Bill!
The robot, which was
turned off, suddenly it clicked on and started stalking toward
Dr. Darkshock.
Alice (Robot): Sarah Connor?
He started running like heck, and then said why.
Johnny (Darkshock): Why?
Shania: Agh.
"That chemical would turn anything, or anyone against their
friends, but since that robot was on my side, he's tryin' to kill
me!"
Shania: A reverse Deus ex Machina. Interesting.
He yelled as the robot picked up speed. Calvin and Hobbes
sat down to watch the show.
Yuri (Hobbes): This is even more fun than watching the washing machine!
"Pass the popcorn please." Calvin
said to Hobbes, who passed him a big bag of popcorn.
Alice: Where did he…
Yuri: DO NOT ASK.
Darkshock
ended up cornered. "Oh, crud."
Johnny (Darkshock): This is mildly annoying.
He said as the robot rammed into
him.
Shania: And they did the nasty!
Following the screams of pain from Darkshock, an explosion
was heard, and the robot's head bounced out of the corner.
Yuri: So Darkshock's screams can blow off heads?
Shania: Must be Sindel from Mortal Kombat.
"Ha ha! See, nothing can stop me!" Darkshock yelled
triumphantly.
Alice: Well, except for the people stopping you.
Stupendous Man, who at this point was
winning his battle with a clone. "Ha! Hoo! Yah! Take that, vile
fiend!" He said, delivering a blow to the clone's head.
Johnny: FINISH HIM!
After
a few more swift punches from Stupendous Man, the clone fell
down, dead.
Johnny:…I didn't mean it!
Shania: FATALITY!
"Oh yeah! I win! Uh huh, uh huh, all right!"
Stupendous Man cheered to himself.
Shania: And…he gets shot!
"ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT!
YOU WON, NOW HELP US OVER HERE!" Calvin screamed.
Yuri (Calvin): GET OVER HERE!
Alice: All right, enough with the Mortal Kombat jokes.
Stupendous Man ran over to Spaceman Spiff to help him.
Tracer, who's gun was loaded for a change, was still having
little bit of trouble dealing with his clone.
Alice: His gun is cranky in mornings before he had his bottle.
He kept on firing
at it, but it kept on dodging the bullets. "Man, you are
persistent!" Tracer said as his gun spewed out 3 more bullets.
Johnny (Clone): Learn how to aim, noob!
"Oh, I try to be." The clone said, dodging them.
Shania: So…if he doesn't try, does he give up?
Spiff had stopped
trying to fight, and was sitting in a lawn chair watching
Stupendous Man pound the clone.
Yuri: Without popcorn? Aww.
Calvin and Hobbes
had knocked Doctor Darkshock out before Stupendous
Man killed the first clone and Calvin was repeatedly
punching him in the face to prevent him from waking up.
Alice: If you killed a clone, then just kill the original!
Yuri: Alice?
Alice: Sorry, logic is lost within the grammar errors.
After a while, Stupendous Man had all of the clones dead
and in a pile in the corner.
Johnny: Huh. Non-sequitur fight.
It was then that Darkshock
woke up.
Shania (Darkshock): Hey, why is my face so bumpy?
"Ha! I'm surprised to see that you're all still
standing. But now I'll just strengthen the clones to make
huge, terrifying, murderous monsters!" Darkshock shouted.
Yuri: I hate final bosses that have multiple forms and rounds.
"You mean, unhuge, not-so-terrifying, murdered clones?" Calvin
said, motioning to the stack of dead clones.
Alice: Calvin and his clones were latter arrested for murder. Coming up next, the trial results.
"What! NOOOO!"
Darkshock yelled. "But still, I can kill you!" He yelled, as he
began stalking toward Calvin with his arms in the strangling
position.
Johnny: Why you little!
"Not so fast! Ahem, Stupendous Man?" Calvin said,
snapping his fingers.
Shania: Hop to it, my slave!
Stupendous Man then flicked a pillar, and
it collapsed into dust.
Yuri: That pillar was made out of Styrofoam!
"Oh, your little buddies are no problem."
Darkshock said, turning off the Imagination-Drainer. But it did
more than just get rid of the alter egos.
Alice: It turned them into girls!
HOBBES TURNED BACK INTO A STUFFED TOY!
Johnny: CAP LOCKS FOR THE WIN!
Calvin gasped,
ran over to Hobbes, and began crying. "NO! HOBBES!" He cried.
Shania (Calvin): Well, better get a replacement.
Johnny: This is the only emotional scene between the two best friends.
After about a minute, Calvin noticed two certain aliens staring
at him.
Yuri: The less that's said about this, the better.
"HEY! WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE! THIS IS AN
EMOTIONAL SCENE!" Calvin yelled at me.
Alice: It is?
"Oh, sorry." said me.
Johnny: Damn author cameos!
Yuri: Yeah! Having the author as a character in your story is a cheap move!
Hardman5509: Wait. Wait. Did I just type that?
"I'll just get rid of them." Galaxoid and Nebular then walked out
of the room.
Shania: I'm getting confused.
Johnny: I was a LONG time ago.
After Calvin was done crying, all he wanted to do
was KILL Darkshock.
Yuri: But you already did! Five times in fact!
Calvin dove at him, but Darkshock grabbed
him and tied him to a table.
Alice: Nice moves.
Then he pulled something off a shelf.
Johnny: Ah. More possible innuendos.
"Calvin, do you know what my master plan is?" Darkshock asked,
holding the thing behind his back.
Shania: Must…resist…sexual…joke!
"No, what?" Calvin said, trying
to kick the ON switch on the Imagination-Drainer.
Yuri (Calvin): Stretch leg, stretch!
"It was to send
Robot mosquitoes into the world, and when they bit people,
They would be hypnotized and do what I say!" Darkshock yelled.
Alice: That…that…THAT'S YOUR PLAN! TINY ROBOTS THAT A SIX-YEAR OLD CAN CRUSH WILL HELP YOU TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Yuri: THIS IS MAKING THE VILLAIN FROM THE GRAND PAPILLION STORIES LOOK LIKE JAMES BOND VILLAINS!
"And since you now know, you can't leave here." He said, taking
the thing out from behind his back.
Johnny (Darkshock(: Here. It fits you perfectly!
"Calvin, do you know what
this is?" Darkshock asked. "Um, a butcher knife?" Calvin
answered.
Shania: That 'thing' being a everyday item. What tension!
"Right, and do you know what I'm gonna do with
it?" "Uh, cut beef?" "No. I'm going to kill you." "Aw man, that
was gonna be my next guess…
Yuri (Calvin): And my next guess after that was going to be that you were going to make me a salad.
…AAAAAHHH! KILL ME!" Calvin screamed. "Oh yes.
That's all I have to do to conquer this planet!"
Alice: That, and build better robots.
He raised the
knife over Calvin, and prepared to plunge it into Calvin's chest,
but just then, something flew past them and knocked Darkshock
to the ground.
Johnny: Please be ninjas. Please be something awesome.
The figure looked at Calvin, and Calvin shouted,
"UNCLE MAX!"
Shania (Calvin): WHERE WERE YOU?
Yuri (Max): Getting it on with your mom!
Ok, where were we? Oh, yeah! Uncle Max just saved Calvin. Let's roll it!
(Buzzing sound)
Yuri: These commercial breaks are getting dumber and dumber.
"UNCLE MAX!" Calvin shouted. Max jumped off of Dr. Darkshock,
and ran over to Calvin to untie him.
Alice: Unfortunately, chewing through the rope wasn't that smart.
Once he was untied, Calvin
flicked the Imagination-Drainer to ON, and Hobbes came to life,
along with Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous Man.
Johnny: Don't forget Ms. Whazzle!
"Wha! What is
going on here!" Max yelled in insane surprise.
Shania: That would be nice to know too.
"Uncle Max,
meet Spaceman Spiff, Tracer Bullet, and Stupendous Man.
They're my alter egos." Calvin said, pointing to each of them.
Yuri (Calvin): And none of them are alcoholics!
Max's mouth dropped open.
Alice: And fell off.
"Oh, and this is Hobbes, who I'm sure you've met already."
Max's mouth dropped open further.
Johnny: His mouth fell into hell.
"Now, let's get out of here!" Calvin said, getting up.
Darkshock, who had been dazed from Max's karate kick
to the head, had recovered, and was creeping up to Calvin.
Shania: Well, if you don't first succeed…
But, in about a nanosecond, he was tied up and gagged.
Shania:...fail again!
"Hehe, Good ol' Time Pauser! See ya Dr. DORKshock!" Calvin
shouted as they ran off.
Yuri: You know, that's a improvement.
Alice: Hey, the Pauser thing is from another story!
Shania: Forget it. This story just fat out steals everything.
Darkshock shouted a muffled
"DARKSHOCK!"
Alice (Darkshock): Make sure to get one of my business card off the coffee table!
But, Calvin couldn't hear him since he was
already verrrrrrrrrrrrrry far away.
Johnny: He's the fastest thing alive!
"C'mon Uncle Max!" Calvin
shouted as they ran for the ladder leading out of the secret
lab, holding the Imagination-Drainer.
Shania (Calvin): Don't forget the nacho cheese!
About ten feet away from it,
a cage slammed down over the ladder, and about 1000 computer
monitors around them began showing Darkshock's face
laughing at them. "Mua ha ha ha ha!
Yuri (Darkshock): Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!
You little thieves! Did you really think you could get out here
alive?" Darkshock taunted.
Alice (Darkshock): WELCOME…TO DIE!
"Oh yeah?" Calvin said. "Just watch
us!" Calvin, Tracer, Max, Spiff, Hobbes, and Stupendous Man then
ran off to confront the mad doctor.
Johnny: I hate back-tracking!
"Somehow, he got out of
those ropes immediately!" Max said as they continued running.
Shania: He's a MAD SCIENCIST. He probably created 500 programs to remove ropes!
More computer monitors lit up and showed Darkshock taunting
our heroes.
Yuri (Darkshock): Ay ay ay, I'm your little butterfly!
"Hahahaha! Find the central control room if you want
to stop me!" He yelled.
Alice: MISSION START!
At that point, all of the screens flipped to
a timer counting down. A robotic voice then said, "WORLD
TAKEOVER IN 15 MINUTES."
Johnny: So, the little robot bugs are going to control the entire world in exactly 15 minutes?
Shania: I'm putting money on the flyswatters.
"Hurry!" Calvin shouted. They ran
down halls and through passages looking for the control room.
The timer now said "12:42 till world takeover."
Shania: Time flies, doesn't it?
"Man, where could
the control room be?" Calvin asked. "Hmm, maybe it's down the
hall with the sign that says CONTROL ROOM." Hobbes suggested,
pointing to a hallway.
Yuri: Hey, the story is making jokes for us!
"Well, that ruined the drama." Calvin
muttered.
Alice: What drama?
Halfway down the hall, Calvin noticed a fire
extinguisher hanging on the wall. "This could come in handy!"
Calvin said, grabbing it.
Johnny: This evil lair is filled with Deus Ex Machina.
"C'mon, Mild Mannered Calvin!"
Stupendous Man called. "Mild mannered? That is something
Calvin is FAR FROM." Max said.
Shania: This story is far from mid mannered.
Alice: More like mentally insane.
The timer now said. "5:09"
Yuri: Looks like time needs a speeding ticket.
"RUN LIKE HECK!" Calvin shouted. Everyone took off and
continued down the hall. "1:38" Was what the timer said.
Alice: But the timer was upside down. So the time is actually 83:10.
Shania: They could go out and eat at a fancy restaurant, do everyone's laundry, and clean their house in that matter of time!
"We aren't gonna make it! We won't be able to get there in time!"
Calvin said.
Johnny (Calvin): We won't make the last second mark!
"Wait a minute! Hobbes! Get out my Chocolate
Frosted Sugar Bombs from my backpack!" He finished.
Shania: Calvin had a Deus Ex Machina this entire time?
Johnny: When was that cereal ever that useful?
"How can
You think of cereal at a time like this!" Hobbes screamed.
Yuri (Calvin): Well, I'm hungry!
"No,
I have an idea!" Calvin replied.
Alice (Calvin): We can bribe him with the cereal!
Hobbes grabbed the box out of
Calvin's bag, and tossed it to him. Calvin pulled 6 bowls out of his
bag, and somehow poured cereal into each one.
Johnny: Now the story is accepting the fact it's just making stuff up. Great.
"Hey! Uncle Max!
Spiff! Tracer! Stupendous Man! Catch!" Calvin shouted, tossing a
bowl to each person.
Shania: And he hits them all in the head.
Calvin crammed a spoonful of the
sugar-infested crud into his mouth, and his eyes popped to
computer size, and he was flying down the hall at 74 miles
per hour.
Yuri: But, the information flowing through his brains at high speed caused him to explode.
Johnny: We keep the killing and greatly harming the characters. Is that weird?
Everyone else did the same, except Hobbes of course.
Alice (Hobbes): I want out of this story!
He was just sitting there, reading the side of the box.
Johnny: A far more interesting read.
"Well, this
is interesting. The ingredients are: 1. Sugar 3. Uh,
there's no more." Hobbes said.
Shania (Hobbes): There's a coupon for life insurance on the side!
"HOBBES! GET YOUR BUTT OVER
HERE!" Calvin screamed. "Oh, fine. I can't believe that I'm doing
this." Hobbes thought, shoving the cereal into his mouth and
taking off down the hall.
Yuri: And exploded!
Johnny: That will never get old!
"00:39" The timer said. The door was
100 feet away, but everyone was slowing down.
Alice: Come on, Deus Ex Machina!
Calvin neared
the door… "00:13" Closer…
Johnny: …but no cigars!
"00:04" Calvin smashed through the
door…
Shania: This base must be made out of paper-mache, or Calvin is just super-strong in this story.
Alice: I smell a cop-out.
"00:01" And smashed the fire extinguisher into the
machine, destroying it!
Yuri: If Calvin can destroy the door, why does he need a fire extinguisher?
Shania: False suspension.
But, the timer still flipped to 00:00 and sent billions a robot
mosquitoes up the tube.
Alice: Gee, that was a waste of time!
Yuri: Wait, I thought the counter was for world-domination, not the deployment of the robots!
Shania (Darkshock): You mad?
Calvin swiped Spiff's Death Ray
Blaster and shot the machine with it, stopping the flow of
mosquitoes.
Johnny (Spiff): Hey, can I use my own blaster? Can I do something?
Just then, Dr. Darkshock stepped out of the
darkness and began laughing at Calvin, who quickly hid the
Death Ray behind his back.
Shania (Darkshock): Uhh, I saw that.
"You really thought that you
could stop me, didn't you?" Darkshock taunted. "But you couldn't,
could you?
Yuri (Darkshock): Well, well, looks like I hold the winning hand!
AH HAHAHAHA! Now I have that taken over the
world, you will be the first to become my slave!" He yelled
maniacally.
Alice (Darkshock): THE WORLD…IS MINE!
Max was holding the Imagination-Drainer,
which Darkshock grabbed from him.
Johnny (Darkshock): Yoink!
Yuri: Hey, Max. What to hold onto the dangerous weapon of mass destruction a little tighter?
"But first, I will destroy
your imagination once and for all!" Darkshock yelled, slamming it
onto his head.
Shania (Darkshock): Ow! Too hard!
Calvin did the first thing that came into his head.
Fire the Death Ray Blaster at the Imagination-Drainer, destroying
it!
Yuri: No, fire at Doctor Darkshock's head!
"WHAT! NO!" Darkshock yelled as bits of the machine fell to
the ground around him.
Alice: I surprised the 'Death Ray Blaster' just destroyed the machine, and not harm Doctor Darkshock!
Suddenly, a TV screen flashed on, and
showed a map of the earth.
Johnny (Calvin): Hey! My house is right next to White Castle! Didn't know that!
"YES! Darkshock yelled, pointing
to the screen. "Everyone on the planet is now enslaved, Mua
hahahahaha!
Shania (Darkshock): With Justin Bieber on my side, who can stop me?
I call on you to destroy these pests! Come here,
my servants!" Calvin, Hobbes, Tracer, Spiff, Stupendous Man,
Yuri: Wait, isn't the Imagination Drainer destroyed?
Alice: Continuity is null, here.
and Max looked around and saw every person on the earth
coming towards them…
Alice: Pretty good eye sight, considering that he's underground.
Yuri: And there's mountains.
Shania: And long oceans.
Johnny: Max must have X-Ray and Telescope Vision.
…at the speed of a mile per decade.
Johnny: 10 years to go for a mile?
Yuri: I'm 108 years old!
Johnny: I'm fat and lazy!
Alice: I've fallen, and can't get up!
"AAUUUGGGHHH! WHY
DIDN'T I PROGRAM THEM TO BE FASTER!" Darkshock yelled
angrily.
Shania: Those robot bugs suck! Wait.
(You might be wondering why Calvin isn't using the
Time Pauser, which I do not own! Swing123 owns it!
Yuri: This story doesn't care anymore.
But, Calvin
will use it soon!)
Alice: Coming up next, on ABC!
Meanwhle, the hypnotized people were still
advancing slowly.
Johnny: And drowning. Don't forget drowning.
"Man, I wish
I'd brought my Game Boy." Calvin said.
Shania (Calvin): I'm bored, can't you tell?
At that moment, all of the
people dove at Calvin, Hobbes, Spiff, Tracer, Stupendous Man,
and Max.
Yuri: And hit the mountains.
"Not so fast!" Stupendous Man said, sticking his hand
out.
Alice (Stupendous Man): Children crossing!
"Let's see how you deal with my STUPENDOUS SCREAM!"
he then screamed louder than a billion Calvins at bathtime and
shockwaves flew out his mouth, blasting Darkshock and
everyone who was hypnotized.
Johnny: And everyone died when their eardrums exploded.
"OR A LITTLE HYPER KICK!"
Stupendous Man shouted, delivering a huge blow to them with
his foot.
Shania: MULTALITY!
Everyone crashed into a machine on the side of the
room, causing a massive explosion, which completely destroyed
Darkshock's evil lair.
Yuri: And everyone died!
It also sent everybody flying out onto the
island.
Alice: And some fell into the ocean, drowning!
Yuri: This story has a thing with situations which leaves the reader wondering if the character or characters are dead.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
NO!
As I said, I don't own the Time Pauser or Calvin, or
Hobbes, or blah blah blah.
Alice: Copyright is for wimps!
I just own Dr. Darkshock.
Johnny: And that's sad.
Oh, one thing. I also sorta own own Dad's friend, Bob.
Shania: How do 'sorta' own a character?
Alice: Bob had one appearance. I guess that counts.
Now, here's the grand finale!
Yuri: Hey, the story is telling us that the torture is almost over!
Yes, I know that everyone on earth wouldn't fit on a little island, but bear with me here!
Alice: Because logical is for morons!
Calvin and his friends collided with the ground and shook the
island, then everyone else landed.
Johnny: And they made a small thud.
Yuri: Main characters are heavier.
Calvin jumped up and looked
around.
Shania (Calvin): It's full of stars!
He saw his hypnotized parents chainsawing the canoe
in half so nobody could get off of the island.
Yuri (Dad): Now everyone in the world can't leave!
Shania (Mom): We can have a party! Break out the booze!
Calvin then saw that
his friends were all knocked out. Darkshock's minions were still
approaching, so Calvin started shaking Spiff.
Alice (Calvin): C'mon, we're missing the food fight!
"C'mon Spiff!"
Calvin said. Spiff woke up a minute later, so Calvin said, "Spiff!
Get your spaceship down here!" Spiff said, "OK." And whistled.
Johnny: That sentence ran like the fat man at a marathon.
There was an explosion, and Spiff's ship began to head for them.
Shania: The Imagination-Drainer can make objects appear in space?
Johnny: Even after destruction, this thing still pulls Deus Ex Machinas out of the blue.
"Oh, come on! That isn't big enough to hold all of us!" Calvin
moaned, looking at the tiny red spacecraft.
Yuri: You should know this Cal, considering that this guy is YOUR PERSONA.
Well, I'll just
make it bigger." Spiff said. "HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT!"
Calvin screamed.
Alice (Spiff): With Deus Ex Machina, of course!
"Sigh, watch." Spiff said, climbing in and
pushing a button. The ship suddenly grew to the size of
an elephant.
Johnny: I'm getting tired of the death jokes. Can we move on?
After Calvin woke everyone else up, they all
climbed in, but Darkshock grabbed Hobbes's leg.
Shania: Took ya that long, eh Shocky boy?
"You're
not gettin' away this time!" He yelled over the roar of
the ship's engine.
Yuri (Darkshock): I'm not going to hurt you!
As it rose off of the ground, Darkshock
got a liiiiiitle bit scared, so he dropped down.
Alice (Darkshock): Damn my microacrophobia!
"I'll get you,
Calvin!" He screamed after the ship.
Johnny: Don't forget the hand shaking.
Once the ship reached
space, everyone started talking. (I'll just put it in cruddy script
mode to make it easier to write.)
ARGH!
Yuri: This guy is a complete dumbass!
Alice: Why did he type a story to begin with?
Johnny: He called his own story cruddy! Why are we here?
Calvin: So, how do we defeat Dorkshock when we go back down
there?
Max: Um, I have a questio-
Shania (Max): What is the capital of Assyria?
Spiff: Well, you could break out your inventions!
Hobbes: No way! No inventions!
Yuri (Hobbes): They aren't useful!
Max: I have something to sa-
Tracer: Well, the villain seems to be a clever one.
Calvin: WILL YOU STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
Alice (Calvin): You talk like smart.
Max: Ahem, now then, as I was saying, I have a question-
Stupendous Man: Well, all villains have a weakness!
Max: AHEM! I HAVE A QUESTION!
Johnny (Max): What is your favorite color?
All: All right! What is it!
Max: Uh, how are we breathing up here?
Everyone's eyes narrowed into slits, and they tackled
Uncle Max. "Hey! It was just a question!" Max shouted.
Shania: Well, here is your answer. You're inside of a spaceship.
After 20 minutes of clobbering Calvin's uncle, who now had his
left arm in a cast, two black eyes, and a broken leg, was now
sitting in the back of the ship, with an extremely annoyed look
on his face.
Yuri: Don't worry, Max. Cartoon inquires don't last long.
He couldn't hear the plan the others were discussing,
but he did hear Calvin scream, "ALL RIGHT! THAT'S THE PLAN!
LET'S GO KICK SOME SCIENTIST BUTT!"
Alice: Please just do it and end THIS!
After all, who couldn't?
Johnny: Eh? Was the narrator asking us?
Spiff redirected the ship towards Earth, and went into
hyperspeed.
Shania: And crashed! THE END!
Alice: This story is killing us!
Hobbes looked at the radar and saw that there was
something huge coming toward their ship. Then a laser blasted
from the thing and hit Spiff's ship, sending them off course.
Yuri: Watch out for Darth Vader!
"Woah! Gotta turn off the hyperspeed shift!" Spiff said, yanking
on the controls. They wouldn't budge. In 30 seconds, the ship
began to freeze from being so far away from the sun.
Alice: Ladies and gentlemen, we lost the patience to question the logic anymore.
Spiff
hammered on the heating control button to turn on the heat.
It finally worked, and the ice on the ship melted.
Johnny: The ICE! It's gonna BREAK!
The radar
showed the huge thing was following them. Calvin looked out
the back window of the ship, and gasped. "Th-th-that sh-ship
says Z-Z-Zokian Enterprises!" "WHAT! RUPERT AND EARL!"
Hobbes sreamed.
Shania: This story is reaching new lows.
Then, a megaphone came out of the ship,
and an all too familiar hacksaw laugh cut through the
non-existent air. "Ha ha ha ha! We're back!" Rupert's voice
laughed through the megaphone.
Yuri: For how long?
"Calvin, you're going down!"
Retro called. "Um, Calvin! I thought you said that you took their
ship and sent them somewhere that they'd never come back."
Hobbes said, staring at Calvin, crossing his arms and tapping his
foot. "I did! I don't know how they got back!" Calvin said.
Alice: Deus Ex Machina is everywhere in the universe!
"Why
are they back here?" Hobbes asked, annoyed. "I don't know!"
Calvin insisted.
Johnny: Nobody knows!
Suddenly, a claw shot off of Rupert's ship,
and grabbed them. "Aaahhhhhh!" Everyone screamed.
Shania (Rupert): Yar! Prepare to be boarded!
Rupert then started hauling Spiff's ship back to Zok.
Yuri: Oh my god, THE AUTHOR LIED AGAIN! The story never ends!
Johnny: It's a bug hunt, man! Game over, man, game over!
All this time, Spiff had been blasting the claw, trying to break it
off. "C'mon, nearly off." Spiff said to himself.
Alice: Not like this story!
Just then, Earl
spotted him. "Rupert! Retro! He's trying to break the claw!"
He yelled. "Uh oh." Spiff said before taking off.
Johnny (Spiff): That's bad.
"Calvin!
Rupert, Earl and Retro are coming!" Spiff yelled, running into the
ship.
Shania: They're right there!
Calvin reached into his pocket, and pulled out the Time
Pauser. "Ok. Here's the plan. Stupendous Man, you and Spiff
get out of the ship with an air tube, and get under Rupert's
ship. Then, start blasting and punching the bottom to bounce
Rupert, Earl and Retro into the air. Then I'll pause time, and you
can come back in here. Hobbes is gonna unlock the claw when
you're done."
Yuri: Or, just use the Pauser, beat up the bad guys, free yourselves, and LEAVE.
"Wait! How do me and Spiff get back in once you
pause time?" Stupendous Man asked. Calvin sighed deeply and
continued. "It's complicated.
Alice: Like how Bieber got anywhere.
You and Spiff lock arms, and attack
the ship. When I pause time, the claw will still be on the ship.
Then, since you're still touching the ship, you and the ship won't
be in time stop mode.
Johnny: So, what's the point of using the damn thing!
So you fly back here, none of us are in time
stop, because we're all touching the ship. Hobbes takes off the
claw, and we go. Rupert's ship keeps going and passes Zok,
and then, I unpause time!" Calvin said.
Shania: It is complicated.
"I still doesn't make
sense." Spiff said.
Yuri: You still try to make sense.
"I don't care! Just go do it!" Calvin said.
So, the plan worked great, until Stupendous Man couldn't knock
the bad guys off of their feet.
Alice: Argh. I give up. I just…ooohhh…
Johnny: Why? Why why why why?
Yuri: Stupidity has enveloped this. We're damned.
"We need something stronger than
just me and you attacking it!" Spiff said.
Johnny: A Irate Gamer fan's head could do it!
Stupendous Man looked
at Spiff, and a wide grin spread across his face.
Shania: ~Oh~…yeah.~
5 seconds later,
Stupendous Man was holding Spiff's legs, and smacking Spiff's
head on the ship.
Yuri: I know they're in space, but physics would help!
2 things worked.
Alice: One, our brains died.
Yuri: Two. Our lives expectancy has fallen greatly.
Spiff got bumps all over his
head, and Calvin trapped the 3 villains in Time Stop.
Johnny: IT WORKED?
"Now, back to Earth!" Calvin shouted, launching Spiff's
ship back to Earth.
Shania: So…that was a waste of time.
Johnny: Well, we're finally reaching the end!
That probably wasn't the smartest thing
they ever did.
Yuri: That, and this story.
Once they landed, they climbed out of the ship,
and a net was thrown over them. Dr. Darkshock walked over
to the net, and started laughing.
Alice (Darkshock): I can't believe that worked.
"Well, Calvin. You really thought
you could stop me, didn't you? Well, I've now proved you wrong."
Johnny (Darkshock): Why took you so long to get back?
He taunted. "You never could. You were doomed from when you
came to this island."
Shania: LIKE US.
"Wait! You haven't explained to me why
everyone got angry when they were talked to!" Calvin
interrupted. "Oh, they were probably just busy.
Yuri: Huh. They're were annoyed.
But anyways,
when I say you playing your little Spaceman Spiff" game, I knew
you were the one I had to kidnap.
Alice: Looking back, that was a bad idea.
Yuri: And what did that accomplish? He released robots that controlled everyone. Calvin was USELESS!
Your imagination was perfect! Now, good-bye, Calvin!" Darkshock
said, whipping out a gun labeled "Destructo-Blaster" and pointing
it at Calvin.
Johnny: Wasn't that in a Ratchet and Clank game?
Just then, Stupendous Man ripped through the net
and tackled Darkshock, sending the gun flying out of his hand,
and hitting one of Darkshock's minions on the head.
Shania: So why didn't you do that earlier?
That person
was Rosalyn. The green glow in her eyes disappeared, and she
was back to normal.
Yuri: Random drop-in cameo!
"Wha? What? Where! Where am I?" Rosalyn
asked, extremely confused. Calvin gasped. "Guys! Drop stuff on
their heads! That's how we can free them!"
Alice: Hammer time!
He shouted to
everyone. So, Calvin, Hobbes, Tracer, Spiff, Stupendous Man,
Uncle Max, and Rosalyn got up onto a hill covered in coconut
trees. They shook the coconuts out of the trees, and Calvin said,
"Ready, aim… FIRE!"
Johnny: LET CRY AND SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!
Yuri: ARRWWWOOOOO!
and they started pitching coconuts
down at everyone who was at the bottom of the hill. The
coconuts would bounce from head to head, freeing tons of people
at a time.
Shania: Can this be considered a Deus Ex Machina?
Yuri: Yeah, what the hell? Go ahead!
Then the freed people would pick up the coconuts on
the ground, and hit more people on the heads.
Yuri: FOOD FIGHT!
In 5 minutes, the
whole job was done, and everyone was advancing toward
Darkshock, who was cowering behind a boulder.
Alice: Like always.
"Not so
tough now, huh? ATTACK!" Calvin said, and everyone began
creaming Darkshock.
Johnny: Nothing like mob rule to help a bad day.
Apparently someone also called the
police, because 5 police boats zoomed up to the island.
Shania: Wait. If 'everyone' in the world was here, where did the police come from?
Johnny: Magic pixie dust. That's the excuse I'm going with.
"All right, you crazy scientist, you're under arrest for kidnapping,
attempted murder, and enslaving the world." One policeman said.
Yuri: And let us add on a horrible name, a horrible plan, and for wasting everyone's time!
YYAAAYYYY!
The police began leading Darkshock away, but he broke free and
shouted, "You haven't seen the last of me! HA HA HA!"
Alice (Darkshock): Top of the world, ma!
Then, a
jetpack somehow popped out of his lab coat, and he blasted off,
saying, "Farewell Calvin, Earth Potentate!"
Johnny (Darkshock): You haven't seen the last of me! Now, good bye, forever.
"Wait a minute! You
called me the Earth Potentate! That means-
"That's right! I'm an alien!" Darkshock laughed, ripping off his
head to reveal…
Shania: Justin Bieber!
Johnny: Those will never get old! No, really!
Well obviously, an alien head.
Yuri: Well obviously, a lame joke.
Mom and Dad ran up to Calvin and hugged him.
Mom said, "Calvin you are amazing. You've saved the world
again!"
Alice: Wait, how do you know?
Dad said, "You can choose a hotel to stay in for the
rest of this vacation!"
Johnny: Disney World sounds nice.
"Well, I pick the hotel we passed on the
way here! Oh, and Dad? Promise me something." Calvin said.
"What's that, Calvin?" Dad asked. "NEVER, take us camping
again." Calvin said.
Shania: NEVER, do a story like this again!
Johnny: This ending is like a horrible video game ending. Beat the final boss, and a single screen saying, You Won!
The End
Yuri: Thank…god.
Nicolai: Hold that thanks.
This is the really short bonus chapter!
Yuri: Nooo….
Alice: It says it's short. Let's…finish this.
The camera slowly zooms out of a theater screen.
Alice: Focus!
Calvin,
Hobbes, Mom, Dad, Susie, Susie's parents, Rosalyn, Darkshock,
Rupert, Earl, and the alter egos were sitting down clapping and
cheering.
Johnny: They're clapping because it is finally over!
Well, some of them are cheering. Susie sat in her seat
with herarms crossed.
Shania: She's trying to figure out what 'herarms' is.
Alice: I think it's a Pokémon.
"Hmph. I didn't even show up in that
stupid movie!" She snorted angrily.
Yuri: She lost it. Get me my shotgun.
"Susie dear, calm down." Mrs.
Derkins said. "No way. I spent 9 dollars on my theater ticket to
go into this dumb movie! I want my money back!"
Alice: We would too, but ours was FREE.
Johnny: And we still got ripped off!
Yuri: We'll beat out of Nicolai.
Susie
screamed, jumping up onto the back of her chair. Once Mrs.
Derkins finally got Susie down,
Johnny: Down, girl, down!
the credits started playing.
Shania: Never have I been so happy to see a wall of text slowly crawl up with names I don't know.
Voice Actors:
Pamela Segall Adlon…Calvin
Yuri: Eh heh heh…no.
Tom Hanks…Hobbes
Alice: Err…
Bill Murray…Dad
Johnny: I've been slimed.
Tom Kenny…Earl / Nebular
Shania: What a waste of talent.
Eric Roberts…Rupert Chill / Dr. Darkshock
Yuri :WILL YOU JUST END!...PLEASE?
Kurtwood Smith…Retro Griffin
Jennifer Love Hewitt…Mom
Dakota Fanning…Susie Derkins
Eddie Murphy…Uncle Max
Daveigh Chase…Rosalyn
Dee Bradley Baker…Various Voices
Alice: Who cares?
Bloopers:
Director: Calvin and Hobbes The Movie take one.
Johnny: No one will laugh! No one!
Calvin screamed, "TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, TEN MILLION
BOTTLES OF BEER- "All right all- Wait, what was my line again?" Dad groaned.
Shania: Ha ha ha! Happy?
Calvin and Hobbes The Movie take two.
Dad looked in the trunk for the spare tire, but just saw Calvin's stuff." All right Calvin, where did you put the spear-I mean spare!"
Yuri: This is like the Irate Gamer's bloopers!
(Much later…)
Take 74761!
Alice: YOU FAIL!
Yuri: AGAIN!
Darkshock stepped into the light, and Calvin screamed. "-
(20 minutes later…)-!
!-
"OK! OK! I get it! You're terrified! Now shut up!" Darkshock yelled, stomping away.
Johnny: OK! OK! I get it! You're trying to be funny! Now shut up!
Everyone was still sitting in their chairs, when Calvin and Hobbes
started arguing. "I'm the main character!" Calvin yelled.
Shania: Laharl? Is that you?
"I brought you back to life when you turned into a toy! That's why
it's called CALVIN and Hobbes!"
Yuri: It's also in alphabetical order!
"Oh yeah? I found you when you fell into Darkshock's lair!"
Hobbes yelled in Calvin's face. "Oh, right! Thanks for the help!
You also fractured my skull in the process!" Calvin replied.
Alice (Calvin): And turned me into a super-hero in the process! Thanks a bunch!
Hobbes dove onto Calvin and they started beating each other up.
Everyone else started arguing too, saying that they were the
main character. "I have to be the main character! I have the most
character!" Dad yelled.
Johnny: When did this become Disgaea all of the sudden?
Everyone stared at the idiot in front of
them, and went back to arguing.
Shania: That idiot…being us.
After a while, the theater was empty except for Calvin and
Hobbes, who then walked off of the screen.
Yuri: The end?
5 seconds later,
Calvin came back in and said, "Coming soon, to a theater near
you, Calvin and Hobbes II: School Daze!"
AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Hobbes yanked him
back out.
Trailer for the first movie
Alice: Oh, god, strike me down!
You've seen them in the comics,
Johnny: Where they had honor, and dignity!
Now, their life is threatened, when they hit the big screen!
Shania: Watterson is foaming at the mouth.
Calvin: Wait! You called me the Earth Potentate! That means-
Darkshock: Ha ha ha! That's right!
Yuri: I'm your…screw it. It doesn't deserve it.
A camping trip gone wrong… (As usual)
Led to an adventure,
A mad doctor,
And a whole lot of laughs!
Alice: Never so much wrong in one paragraph.
Calvin: Uh, cut beef?
Max: Mild mannered? That is something Calvin is FAR FROM.
Darkshock: You little thieves!
Johnny: Horrible memories are coming back!
Nebular: It's been out of the flying ban and into the wire for us!
Calvin: RUN LIKE HECK!
Calvin and Hobbes The Movie: Island of Doom! Rated PG. Coming soon.
Shania: Wait. Wait. IT'S OVER?
Yuri: YES! YES! THE DOOR IS OPEN!
Alice: OUT OF THE WAY!
"I'M DOCTOR EVILGUY!" Yuri shouted, eagle-spreading his arms. He had donned a black cloak, used a black marker to create a goatee and twirly mustache, and found a monocle.
"Yeah, yeah." Shania said with a magazine.
"FEAR ME, AND MY ARMY OF..." Yuri started to shuffle around in a chest. He pulled out, with a grunt, a toy robot. "...ROBOT SOLDIERS! THEY...uh...FIRE LASER BEAMS THAT...TURN PEOPLE INTO IDIOTS! IT...DRAINS BRAINS AND ALLOWS ME! TO HAVE THIER KNOWLEDGE! WITH IT, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!"
"That's nice, honey." Alice said with a book in hand.
Yuri threw his hands down, the robot toy falling out. "Being a mad, evil, scientist is hard. All the good ideas and the plans are taken. Even Darkshock's dumb plan had some merit!" Johnny walked up to and placed a arm on his shoulder.
"Give it a rest, Hunky." Yuri growled. "The super villain biz just wasn't made out for you."
"Thanks for the support...friend." Yuri said through gritted teeth.
"I agree." Gilbert's monitor switched on. "People like me, and Nicolai are born into this lifestyle. People like you, on the other hand, are the those who fight against us, and win to a annoying degree." He sighed. "Which is why you're up in here. To even the odds." He pulled down a chart. "Here is my first plan. First, I will inject the sewer rats with a fluid that contains a microchip which will transfer through a bite to a human. Then, I will turn on the chip to decide what I shall do with each human being!"
"Unless of course, the rats bite a dog." Yuri pointed out.
"Or the rats bite each other." Alice said.
"Or the chips dissolve." Johnny said.
"Or they just simply died." Shania said.
Gilbert scratched his head. He threw up his arms. "Whatever, next time is Forest Passion, a Legend of Zelda fic, previously done on a another, older experiment done by someone else. I tried to contact the person in charge of that station for advice, but she didn't answer me."
"Get to the point!" Yuri said, taking a breather.
"Okay. The story involves two underage kids going through a awkward romance before having a baby. Yes. That is correct." Nicolai walked in behind Gilbert, carrying a brown paper bag, sagging on his arms. "Oh, hello. Where have you been?" Gilbert asked. Nicolai smiled and shook the bag, and the sound of several things shuffling around could be heard. Yuri didn't know it what laid inside, but he based on Nicolai's face, the bag held something evil.
"Well, good-bye, Yuri. Enjoy the next story." Nicolai said, before grabbing something from his bag and threw it at the switch. Before the screen went dark, the word 'My' could be shown. Yuri felt a cold feeling on his spine; where did the word came into something so evil?
This one…well…when the heroes were losing it, I was too. Really.
The first eight chapters were bad, but had a constant line of thought and reason. Thought being unrealized and reason being skewed, but something did exist of a the last four is where the author went off his meds and decided to throw in whatever he could to make his 'story' (Air quotes for the win.) longer. My mind went blank, and I got a mild headache trying to make a decent joke. This makes me wonder how hard that the writers of the original Theater might had when doing some movies. I had to stop for a bit. That, and inFAMOUS got fully downloaded, and I wanted to play.
So, let us call this the 'Manos' of the Calvin And Hobbes Fanfiction, no, of the Comics section. But hey, point me in the direction of another and then we'll see.
I've contacted StarBlueDragon on Deviantart. She's pointed me in the direction of Presley. We will focus on that.
So yeah. Next time is Forest Passion! Don't worry folks. If you know what Nicolai has, don't squeal. We'll tackle that one, but not now.