In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he tries his best,To survive to the very end!
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)
Johnny! (How we escape?)
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
"Is it okay to admit to everyone that I'm scared?" Johnny asked.
"Yes. We're too." Yuri said.
"If Gilbert told the truth, this may be the worst story ever." Johnny said.
"That's the thing. They keep finding worst and worst stories." Yuri threw down the book he was reading. "And that last one wasn't horrible until the last part. This is only two stories combined to fit into one sitting. Yeah, I did some research. I couldn't read it due to Gilbert placing a block, but the reviews I could. And they're either insane, or disgusted."
"Thanks for scaring me even more." Johnny whimpered.
"Hey." Shania said, as she and Alice came out wearing nothing but towels; both on their bodies and heads.
"I feel better." Johnny said, looking at his leading lady.
"Don't try anything." Shania pulled from out of her towel one of her tomahawks. "A pipe burst, and our clothes were drenched. Can we trust you guys from doing anything?"
"Uhh….yes." Johnny managed to get out while ogling.
"That's a no." Alice threw her bible (Conviently placed near her.) at Johnny's head, which knocked him down.
"Alice. Alice!" Yuri held up his hands in surrender. "You can trust me, right?"
"No." Alice threw a second book, also landing.
"You know, that looks like a much better idea." Nicolai said. Gilbert, on the side, looked annoyed. "Just create robot versions of the two girls and unleash them upon the world. It's a good plan."
"You're right…"Gilbert nodded in agreement, before whacking Nicolai with a rolled-up newspaper. "NO YOU'RE NOT!"
"Whatever." Nicolai grabbed the newspaper and unrolled it. "I'll be in my room, trying to fix my tapes." He turned around. "Ta-ta, Yuri. My personal choice will be coming soon." He left. The cold shiver returned to Yuri.
"Why did I consider letting him on this?" Gilbert shook his head. "Never mind. Forest Passion is starting soon." Alice and Shania looked at each other. "Yes, to torture you further, I arranged that pipe to burst. And the theater has gotten considerably colder, seeing of course that I have been avoiding the heating bills."
"Or you can't pay it." Nicolai called from his room.
"Anyway, enjoy your hot story in a frozen hell. I made it just for you." Gilbert's screen went dark.
"Great." Shania muttered.
"I feel scared." Alice tied her towel tighter, taking off her head-towel for extra cover.
"Here." Yuri took off his bike jacket and wrapped it around Alice.
"Thanks." She smiled. "Do you want a towel?"
"Nah. I'm a man. Plus, I get to show off my muscles." Yuri flexed, more at Johnny than Alice.
"Shania! Take this!" Johnny took off his jacket and placed around Shania, much to her surprise.
"Johnny? I'll be fine in there. I wore a two piece wherever we went…" Johnny threw off his red shirt, revealing his flat, but fit chest.
"Not even close, shrimp." Yuri laughed, flexing even harder.
"All right, guys, we got the sign." Alice said, with her and Shania rushing in as both guys continued to try to outflex each other. The two ladies had to backtrack to grab the two and take them in.
Link and Saria: Forest Passion _
Yuri: I think the title is incomplete.
Johnny: Forest Passion: The Larch.
Link woke up and got out of his bed.
Alice: Sadly, he hit the wall.
He looked outside. Kokiri Forest looked very beautiful and he knew that it was going to be a gorgeous day.
Johnny (Link):I think today is the today where I burn this place down!
After brushing his boyish blonde hair,
Shania: And brushing his girly armpit hair…
Alice: SHANIA!
he strapped on his Kokiri boots and prepared to leave his home.
Yuri: But the door didn't feel like opening up.
Shania (Door): Hey, you haven't paid me in six years.
But he stopped when he saw a white piece of paper on the floor.
Alice (Link): Where's the rock?
It hadn't been there when he went to sleep
Johnny (Link): I'm too drunk to remember!
and Link won- dered what it was.
Shania: Me too. What is won-dered?
He picked it up and read what was on it.
Yuri (Link): Eviction notice? What the hell?
It said, " Link: Meet me at Hyrule Castle at sunset.
Alice: Bring your own beer.
I want to watch the sun go down with you...and maybe after that we could go to the Sacred Forest Meadow...we'd be alone... " – Saria
Johnny (Saria): And then we'll escape to South America to avoid the pending murder charges!
Link smiled widely. He loved Saria very much and he knew that she loved him as well.
Shania: That's what you think!
Link thought about Saria's beauty for a few minutes. Her smooth, silky skin, her bright green hair, her adorable boots...
Yuri: Saria is a Yoshi?
Yes, Link was certainly overwhelmed by her.
Alice: And overpowered.
He then left his house and climbed down his ladder.
Johnny: Sadly, someone forgot to fill the hole at the bottom, so Link got trapped and died!
He skipped to Saria's house and saw her outside, clearing rocks.
Shania: Good old slave labor!
Johnny: Nah, that's just ancient hate-mail.
She noticed him and looked into his blue eyes.
Yuri: Wait…if Link has blue eyes and blonde hair…
Shania: Heil Gannon.
Then she winked and giggled gleefully.
Alice: I think she's a airhead…
Link's cheeks turned bright red and he slowly walked away.
Johnny (Link): Daww…I think she likes me!
Then Link decided that since it was such a nice day, he would leave the forest and enjoy the beauty until his date at sunset.
Shania: You guys do know that Link is a player?
Yuri: I smell a orgy!
Alice: HEY!
Link stepped into Hyrule Field. It was so beautiful.
Yuri: We haven't gotten far, but the repeated use of the 'beautiful' and the like are starting to annoy me.
The sky was bright blue, birds were chirping, and the sun shimmered down over the trees.
Alice: The squirrels were barfing rainbows!
Yuri: …and they had passion!
Link walked around the whole field many times.
Johnny (Link): Uh…where the hell am I?
Then he found a gossip stone and checked the time.
Shania (Gossip Stone): Today, I heard that Princess Zelda plays with action figures!
Yuri: Ruto was seen sniffing a green cap.
Johnny: Malon produces her own milk!
Alice: JOHNNY!
Three hours until his date with Saria. He had seen the sunset at the cast
le before, and thought it was breathtaking.
Yuri: Back then, the sunset was like TV.
Alice: And free, too!
Shania: Until the king decided to put tax on it.
He then walked to a tree near Lon Lon Ranch and slumped down against it.
Alice: He scanned for hot chicks.
Yuri: He pulled out a pair of sunglasses and lit a cigarette.
Shania: The girls like a little, bad boy.
He took out his ocarina and started to play various tunes.
Johnny: That's all the description you will get.
Yuri: He's playing the AVGN theme!
After a few minutes, Malon ran out of the ranch and approach- ed Link.
Shania: Ed?
Alice (Malon): Git off my property!
" Hi, Link! I thought I heard your ocarina! How are you doing? " Malon chirped.
Yuri: Huh. Malon is a bird. I thought she was a cow.
Alice: Hey!
Link sighed and replied, "Hi, Malon. I'm okay. "
Alice: Sudden depression! You never know when it strikes.
Then Malon asked Link to go to the ranch. Link protested, but she said it would only be for a few minutes.
Johnny: Screw dialogue!
Link reluctantly agreed. He didn't really want to, but Malon was so cheerful and nice. He couldn't say no.
Shania: That, and she had cookies.
Malon took him inside her house. There were Cuccos everywhere.
Yuri: And they're mating!
Alice: YURI!
" Try and find the magic ones, Link! " Malon giggled.
Alice (Link): What do they look like?
Yuri: The ones with sparkles.
Alice: Edward Cullen is a Cucco?
She tossed them about and Link laughed.
Johnny: Animal abuse. It brings people together.
Then the two of them ran among the Cuccos giggling and having lots of fun. So much fun that Link started to lose track of the time...
Shania: Like Disgaea.
Yuri: What the hell? That Cucco is level 4000?
Saria skipped all the way to Hyrule Castle. She was so happy.
Yuri: But not for long!
Alice: Let us watch the wackiness!
She couldn't wait to watch the sun go down with the boy she loved. She had even polished her fairy ocarina and planned for her and Link to play together.
Alice: They can finally start that band they're always talking about!
She got to the market and walked past the happy, laughing faces of the townspeople.
Johnny: LSD Day is always a great day for all.
She got to the castle grounds and looked at a vine among the wall.
Shania: Which is more interesting thing that this story!
Alice (Saria): Hey…that vine looks hot…Hey, do you want to…hang out?
Yuri: I can't believe you made that joke…
Link had told her about it and how he had used it before.
Yuri: But she's a girl!
She climbed up and waited for Link.
Alice (Saria): He better not be playing Disgaea.
One minute passed by. Then two. Three. Four. Five.
Johnny: Then six. Seven. Eight.
Yuri: Soon, ten minutes passed!
The sun was starting to lower. " Link, where are you? " Saria whispered.
Shania (Link): Tipping cows.
Malon took Link outside into the main ranch pasture.
Yuri: Where the pig rolling began!
She showed him all the animals and told him many interesting things about them.
Alice (Malon): This cow has a drinking problem.
Yuri (Link): Ah. Hey, that pig is eating grass.
Alice (Malon): That's our special 'grass'. Want some?
Link was enjoying himself very much. He had completely forgotten about his date.
Johnny: Kinda like everyone else.
Shania: Saria is a creepy stalker.
The sun was almost down. Saria watched as it slowly disappeared.
Shania: And the Earth was destroyed in the explosion.
And when it finally did, a tear ran down her cheek and she dropped her ocarina onto the castle ground below.
Yuri: Ah. Saria is also the Crying Indian.
Shania: Saria is a lot of things.
It broke in two and Saria climbed down the vine.
Alice: Litterbug!
She then left the castle, leaving her ruined instrument behind.
Johnny: Saria was latter fined for littering. Unable to pay the fime due to her life as a tree hugger, she was sentenced to jail for thirty days.
Saria sadly walked down Hyrule Field, planning to return to the forest and go to bed.
Shania (Saria): Well, I'll stalk him tomorrow. I'll feel better.
But then she heard something. It sounded like a laugh.
Yuri: Actually, it was the sound of Link and Malon being stung by vengeful bees.
A laugh coming from Lon Lon Ranch. And not just any laugh...LINK'S LAUGH!
Alice: And she would know, considering that she recorded several tapes.
She ran inside the gates, and desperately started to look for her friend.
Johnny (Link): Hey, Saria! I'm…right in front of you, No. Turn this way. Over here.
Then she turned towards the main pasture and saw it.
Shania: Woah! She sawed the entire pasture?
Alice (Saria): For stealing my boyfriend, I'm taking half of this pasture.
Link and Malon.
Yuri: Malon had became Link's shoulder tumor.
Holding hands and laughing together.
Alice: It's hard to do that when you get fused to one's shoulder.
A feminine gasp escaped Saria's lips.
Johnny: As opposed to her normal manly growl.
Yuri: Err…not doing the 'Saria is' thing on that one.
Link heard it and looked. He saw Saria's stunned face and remembered his date.
Shania: Then forgot it when he realized that harming farm animals was much more fun than watching the sunset.
" No! " he cried out. Saria took off, running out of the ranch. Link shoved Malon aside and ran after her, calling her name.
Yuri (Link): Malon! Malon!
Link looked for hours.
Alice: Or minutes. He lost track of time again.
He couldn't find Saria anywhere. He had almost given up.
Johnny: Then he did.
He decided to look in Death Mountain.
Shania: Where Saria loved to throw rocks at people down below.
But if she wasn't there, he would return home.
Yuri (Link): It's getting late, and there are wolves out.
He felt horrible for what he did.
Alice: No he didn't.
But whatever came of the situation, one thing was for sure. He would NEVER speak to Malon again.
Johnny (Link): She'll grow up. With Saria, I get…
Alice: Don't got there!
He ran up the mountain, searching. But he couldn't find her.
Shania: He did find a hot-looking rock to mate with.
Alice: SHANIA!
He tried playing Saria's Song on his ocarina, but there was no response.
Yuri (Link): Come to me, my young slave!
Alice: ENOUGH!
He went to the part of the mountain where Goron City was and collapsed on his knees.
Alice (Link): You Maniacs! You blew it up!
He screamed Saria's name.
Johnny (Link): STELLA! I mean….SARIA!
So loud that all of Hyrule probably heard.
Shania: Shut up! I'm trying to sleep here!
Yuri: And I'm trying to cheat on my wife…OW!
Alice: Will…you…stop?
Just then, a goron rolled by.
Yuri: And right into Link, sending both plummeting.
Link stopped it with a bomb and quickly asked it if it had seen Saria.
Alice: The Goron first punched Link for throwing a bomb at him.
It said that it saw a girl with green hair at the mountain's very top a few seconds ago.
Johnny (Goron): And…oh, she also had a sniper rifle with her.
Link thanked it and scurried up to the top as fast as he could.
Shania: The crabwalk won't help.
Saria stood at the mountain top's edge.
Yuri (Saria): When is Malon coming out of the barn? What is she doing in there?
She looked down. It was a several thousand feet drop.
Alice (Saria): Perfect. I lead Malon here, tell her that Link is waving up…
She closed her eyes and prepared to relieve her pain.
Johnny: That damn aspirin will blow your eyes out if you don't first close them!
Alice (Saria): Ugh, I hate cough syrup! Why can't it taste like that orange medicine?
Yuri: Saria is a junkie?
But just as she got in a jump- ing position,
Shania: She slipped.
Link appeared next to her.
Yuri (Link): Surprise! I can teleport!
He gasped, " Saria! I've been looking everywhere for you.
Alice (Link): Why didn't you look for me?
I heard you were at the top and I came as quick as possible!
Johnny (Link): Need a push?
Alice (Saria): Nah. Want to join?
Johnny (Link): Sure!
Can we talk? " Saria said nothing.
Shania (Link): I glad we had this talk.
She just looked at Link for several seconds and then turned back towards the edge.
Yuri (Saria): His face…brr…makes me want to jump even more.
Link said calmly, " Saria, listen. Malon just asked me over to the ranch for a little and I lost track of time.
Alice (Link): You could have joined us.
Yuri: Threesome!
I know what I did was wrong, but she doesn't mean anything to me!
Johnny (Link): She's my sex slave! Want to join in…
Alice: Why? Why do I bother?
I only went so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings!
Shania: Wait. 'She means nothing to me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.'
Yuri: Link is a player…but you knew that.
You're the only girl I want in my life, Saria. Please. Come with me. "
Yuri (Link): Come with me if you want to live.
Saria said softly, " You...you...mean it? " Link nodded.
Alice: This reminds me of my romance with Yuri. Like how this is the complete opposite.
Saria walked over to him, looked into his eyes, and thrust her lips onto his.
Johnny: RAPE!
Alice: ARGH!
The kiss lasted an hour long.
Shania: It stopped when a rabbit kicked both for loitering.
The night wind blowing through the two's hair.
Yuri: Then the wind blew both far away.
And when it ended, Saria opened her mouth and said,
Alice (Saria): You taste like chicken.
Yuri (Link): Malon baked a Cucco for me!
" Link...let's go to the Sacred Forest Meadow. Th...There's something we need to do. "
Johnny (Saria): Burn it.
Link smiled and held her hand. Then they both turned and started to walk down the mountain.
Shania: Off the cliff, yes?
Johnny: Yes.
Link and Saria: Forest Passion - Part 2 _
Yuri: Part 2: Electric Bugaboo.
WARNING! SOME PARTS OF THIS STORY HAVE ADULT MATERIAL AND SHOULDN'T BE READ BY YOUNG CHILDREN!
Alice: Woah. Johnny, you should leave.
Johnny: I'm 21. How bad can it be?
Yuri: Based off this, we ALL should leave.
Saria and Link arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow.
Johnny: Missing the tea party.
Link turned towards his beautiful mate and said, "Well, here we are."
Shania (Link): Well, now what?
Alice: Beautiful again? This guy needs a thesaurus.
Saria smiled and said back, "We sure are, Link." Then she laughed and ran to a tree stump.
Yuri: She founded it more attractive.
Alice: That's the third riff we made about imamate love. Is that weird?
She sat on it and Link followed. Just as he sat next to her, Saria said, "Isn't the Sacred Forest Meadow wonderful at night?
Alice: Is it…BEAUTIFUL?
It's so peaceful, so soothing, so...romantic." Link shyly grinned and said,
Johnny (Link): Now can we burn it?
"I know what you mean." Then he closed his eyes and moved in slowly for a kiss.
Shania: Please slap him silly…please…
But he didn't have to get all the way to Saria's face. She flew forward and gave him a nice, sweet kiss on the lips before he even came close.
Yuri: French kissing…by ten year old kids. See the problem?
Then Saria said softly, "Link..." Link, who was overflowing with joy, replied, "Yeah?"
Alice (Saria): We need to get into better stories.
And then Saria gave him a playful shove off the stump.
Johnny (Saria): It's MY stump!
Link landed in a nice patch of grass and listened to Saria giggle with glee.
Shania (Link): Hah! Now I laid claim to this wonderful patch of grass!
Johnny: And thus, Link's drug ring was formed.
"God, she's cute," Link thought.
Yuri: Well, glad she's not BEAUTIFUL.
Saria hopped off the stump and crawled on top of Link.
Alice: I think we should close our eyes now.
Both of them said nothing as they stared with love into each other's eyes.
Johnny: Though Saria stare was actually of malice.
Alice: And Link stared with the thought of getting laid.
Saria reached down slowly and unbuckled her belt.
Shania: Oh no…
Johnny: Can we try to bust the doors down?
Yuri: I tried. No luck.
Alice: We're in for the long, hard haul…
After that, she started to slip off her clothes.
Yuri: Thankfully, she had a second set of clothes on.
Johnny: Please?
Link knew what was about to happen and he was pretty happy about it.
Alice: He had magazines where this happened often.
Yuri: Ergh, the riffs are coming out hard…
He then slowly took off his Kokiri tunic.
Johnny: Undershirt! Undershirt!
In a few seconds, both were without clothes on.
Shania: Will some cop come by and arrest these two for public vagrancy?
Together, they rolled around over the flowers and grass.
Yuri: And had plenty of grass, got high, and put their clothes back on!
Johnny: I'm hoping for some animal to come around and eat them. Too much to ask for?
Specks of light floated around the pair.
Alice: They then vomited.
They kissed repeatedly, each one being so joyous and magical.
Johnny: Joyous and magical are the words far away from this!
Then they stopped.
Thank god.
Saria got in a position and lifted up.
Shania: Noo…
Link adjusted himself and went forward.
Yuri: Please desist…
Then, let's just say that he...dove in.
AUGH!
Link was shaking so hard with happiness that he thought he would explode.
Alice: I'm about to explode too! From ANGER and DIGUST.
In fact, he was so engrossed in the magical moment, that he forgot to use a condom...
Johnny: I miss the days of annoying author cameos and Grand Papillion. I really do.
Yuri: Hell, I miss the Calvin and Hobbes rip-off ! Can we go back?
It was a week later.
Shania: That's going to be the amount of time we need to recover from this!
Link had asked Saria to join him for dinner and she accepted.
Yuri: Just dinner? Okay…
It was a picnic on Hyrule Field.
Alice: Hey! I thought this was a dinner!
The sun was setting as the two ate and enjoyed each other's company.
Johnny: Please don't go back to that….
Every few seconds, one of the two blew a kiss to the other.
Shania: Sexually-active grade schoolers. That's the mark of the devil.
Their meal consisted of fresh fish and milk.
Yuri: They forgot the poison I added in the fish.
Link asked the fabulous Saria, "Are you enjoying the food?
Alice (Saria): It's fabulous!
Yuri: Saria is fabulous?
I caught the fish myself and I got the milk from Lon Lon Ranch."
Johnny (Link): I milked the fish and gutted the cows!
Saria frowned and said, "I suppose you got the milk from Malon, huh?"
Shania (Link): Why, yes. Yes I did. I'm a player, you know.
Alice (Saria): Oh, you fabulous man!
Link grinned and said, "Nope! I specifically avoided Malon and got the milk from her dad!
Yuri: AGH!
Shania: This story is not safe for BACTERIA!
I wouldn't of gone to the ranch at all, but they do have the best milk in Hyrule.
Alice: The innuendo is killing me.
Yuri: Oh, hey, product placement!
Shania: After the release of Forest Passion, Lon Lon Farm closed down due to parents swarming.
And I want only the best for you, my sweet."Saria's frown turned into an instant ear to ear smile.
Johnny: Saria is the Cheshire Cat?
Link then said, "You look outstanding tonight."
Shania: Don't you mean fabulous?
And she did.
Yuri: Not.
Her green hair blowing in the breeze, her twinkling eyes, her incredible outfit, and to top it off, her silky smooth skin.
Alice: Saria is a…fashion model?
Yuri: I guess.
Saria laughed, but it was a shy and nervous laugh.
Johnny: She realized what happened.
Link curiously asked, "Is anything wrong?"
…
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Saria was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well...kind of.
Shania: That's the understatement of the year.
Um...remember last week? The Sacred Forest Meadow?
Yuri (Saria): Where we did the NASTY?
Well, it turns out we didn't use any birth control stuff and..." Link's mouth dropped open.
Alice: Like us.
Johnny: Can someone pass me a wrench? My jaw is loose.
It hung there for minutes.
Johnny: Again, like us.
Saria continued, "I went to the potion shop in Kakariko today and got a birth control test.
Shania: They sell those in a village that has nothing but CHILDREN?
I went to get it because I had been feeling weird over the last few days.
Yuri: Nausea. Like all of us.
Anyway, the test was...positive.
Alice: You think? You think this story won't reach the lowest point?
We're going to have a baby." Link didn't say a word for twenty minutes.
Johnny: This author has serious issue with time too. Do you know that seconds are actually Mississippi seconds?
Yuri: I'm more concerned with underage sex.
And when he finally spoke, he flatly said, "This is horrible."
Shania: This story is filled with absolute horror and understatements.
Saria said, "No, it isn't! It's wonderful! A baby that came from me and you!
Yuri: Can we stop and ponder this?
Come on! Isn't that good, Link?" Link thought for a minute and said,
NO!
"Yeah. I guess it is good. Deep down inside...I think I really wanted this."
Alice (Link): It's okay, I 'm insane!
Saria whooped for joy. She was SO happy.
Johnny: Or until she realized the complete insanity of it.
She loved Link so much. She loved everything about him. His personality, his looks, his voice...
Shania: The fact that he is willing to sleep with her?
they were all so perfect. And she wanted nothing more than to have a child with the boy she loved.
Yuri: Can you wait a couple of years before doing this again?
The couple laughed together for hours.
Alice: Please, die of exhaustion.
Johnny: I noticed that thinking takes minutes, but actions take hours.
Yuri: Which explains the writing.
Shania (Author): WOW! This writing thing is pretty fast!
Then Link said, "Well, I already picked out a name for it! Link Jr.! Isn't that the greatest!"
Johnny: Nope. Can't phase me with that horrible name after the UNDERAGE SEX.
Yuri: Guys, guys. Focus. Let us riff this to hell.
A disgusted look flew over Saria's face instantly.
Shania: Took you that long.
She yelled, "What? You instantly choose a name without consulting me and that's that?
Yuri (Saria): It's a girl, you moron!
I'm the mother! We decide together! And also, Link Jr. is the stupidest name ever!
Alice: Nah. Name is the worst name ever.
It sounds horrible! I'd rather get an abbortion than have it named that!
Johnny: WOAH!
Hardman5509: Okay. Now this is the worst fanfic I ever seen. Yeah. Worst than My *********
Oh, what's wrong with me?
Shania: Besides the obvious?
You're a horrible person! I didn't think you could be like that!"
Yuri (Saria): You're a horrible namer! Wah!
Then she took a fish that was on her plate and hurled it at Link.
Alice: FISH FIGHT!
It slapped into his face and Saria took off, crying.
Johnny: I think Saria is bipolar now!
Yuri: Everyone here is.
Link wiped off his face and stormed away in the other direction. He didn't even bother to pick up the expensive plates that he had bought for the dinner.
Shania: Those expensive plates will be put to better use.
Johnny: Like funding the grass drug ring.
Saria wiped away the flow of her tears as she ran towards Kokiri Forest.
Yuri: Geez, Link Jr. really hurt her.
She was about to enter it when she bumped into a person.
Alice: Run! It's Chris Hansen! He'll ruin your drug ring AND your wonderful sexual life!
Both of them fell down.
Johnny: To their deaths, hopefully.
Saria looked up. It was Mido!
Shania: Mido better be the Bearer of Sanity.
Mido said, "Sorry, Saria. I wasn't watching where I was going. Say, have you been crying?"
Yuri (Mido): You don't look fabulous!
Saria sniffled a little and nodded her head. "You wanna talk about it?
Alice (Saria): It's a long story….
We could go to Lake Hylia." Mido said.
Johnny (Mido): The drug ring is meeting there. We need to discuss how to move the grass.
Saria softly replied, "Okay." Then both of them turned around and walked toward the lake.
Shania: The Lady of the Lake drew Excalibur and slew them.
Johnny: That's how I'm ending this.
Shania: What about Link?
Johnny: He forgot about this and moved on to better things.
Link walked angrily around the field.
Yuri (Link): I'm angry.
Who did Saria think she was?
Alice: The mother of your child. I can't believe I said that.
Throwing fish in my face...There just isn't an excuse.
Johnny: Link Jr. is the excuse. It works.
Then Link said out loud, "And Link Jr. is...is...hmm. I guess it...is...sorta dumb.
Shania: Jr. is always dumb.
And I'd be mad at Saria if she decided to name our child a dumb name without consulting me.
Yuri: Saria Jr sounds better.
Oh, no! I've been such a jerk! I have to think..."
Alice: You can think? You can have a thought?
Link walked towards Lake Hylia, because he always hung out at the fishing pond there when he needed to clear his head.
Johnny: Fishing may be boring, but more interesting than this.
Alice: If Calvin saw this, he would join his dad on the fishing boat.
Mido and Saria sat on Lake Hylia's grass, talking.
Shania: And having all the grass for themselves.
Saria was finishing up her story,
Yuri: Good. Can we go?
"And so he decided to name it an awful name all on his own! And he just expected me to go along with it!"
Alice (Saria): And Saria Jr. was much more a suiting name!
Mido nodded and said,
Johnny (Mido): Good. Can I leave now?
"Yes, I see. Link has been very selfish and stupid. He isn't worthy of you. You deserve a guy like mysel-"
Shania (Mido): Because I'm more important than everyone. You should have come to me for loving.
Mido's sentence suddenly stopped when he saw an enraged Link at the Lake's entrance.
Yuri: Hey! Link is turning more green! Ha-haha!
Link drew his sword and snarled, "Stay away from Saria!"
Alice (Link): And my improbable baby!
Mido stood up and said back, "No! You stay away from Saria!"
Johnny (Link): No, you!
Yuri (Mido): No, you!
Shania(Saria): Hey, there's plenty of Saria to go around.
Yuri: Saria is a pro….
Alice: Yuri.
Yuri: Okay.
Then Mido drew his own sword and approached Link.
Shania: It's like the duel at the end of The Mask of Zorro. Only…dumber.
Alice: And mentally unnerving.
Saria gasped in horror.
Yuri (Saria): Did Mido pull that sword out of his ass?
She didn't want anyone to get hurt.
Alice: But she did enjoy watching them fight for her.
Both Link and Mido lunged at each other. Their swords clashed and sparks flew as they did.
Johnny: Their wooden swords are causing sparks?
Shania: Fire swords! Awesome!
Alice: Sadly, it's outweighed by the pregnant kid.
The two warriors whirled, dodged and fought.
Shania: I'm sorry, I thought they were sword dancing.
Fought for the girl they loved.
Yuri: The girl that one of them got pregnant.
Shania: The girl that the other came right out of nowhere to court her.
Then Link used all his strength to unleash a fury of strong, quick, sword swings.
Alice: But missed.
Panicked, Mido desperately tried to block.
Johnny (Mido): I forgot my shield. Can we continue it tomorrow?
But he only escaped two of the many swings. The third cut across his chest.
Shania: So, let us add murder to the things committed by Link in this story.
Alice: Link must have 'heroic immunity'.
Shania: Explains the breaking and entering, and the destruction of property in the games.
Mido dropped his sword and stumbled backwards as Link watched.
Yuri (Link): Good. Now people will know not to go after one of my girls.
Then Mido fell backward into the lake. His body didn't emerge.
Alice: Yay! Now the evidence of Link's crime has been hidden.
Yuri: The disappearance of Mido led to a fruitless search. Link was cleared of charges later.
Saria ran to Link and hugged him. She said, "Oh, Link! Mido was so weird! All the stuff he said creeped me out! Thank you so much! Let's never fight again!"
Johnny (Saria): Let us kill more useless people!
Then she planted a nice, long kiss on his cheek.
Shania: Did it last for hours upon hours?
Yuri: It was beautiful too.
Alice: And fabulous.
Link's face lit up and he said, "Hey! Let's go on top of the tree. We can watch the stars together!"
Yuri: Ah, midnight TV.
Shania: But it's always reruns.
Saria smiled and walked towards the tree.
Alice: Saria is a ninja?
Link followed her and they both climbed the tree.
Johnny: Please be the Whopping Willow. Please bash their brains out.
On its top, the two watched the stars for hours and hours.
Shania: And this story dragged for hours and hours.
Stopping only to get each other a kiss.
Yuri: What, no tree sex?
Shania: It's only the best kind!
Link said to his mate, "Saria, I don't care about the baby's name.
Alice (Link): In fact, I don't care for it at all!
Whatever you want to name it is fine by me."
Johnny (Link): As long as you don't name it Name.
Saria giggled and said, "Oh, Link! I love...oh...oh!" Saria's stomach started to bounce.
Shania: Unpossible. Just unpossible.
Alice: It finally hit rock bottom. We're damned.
She uttered, "The...the...baby..." See, life is different in Hyrule.
Yuri: As well as the child laws.
If you are impregnated, you give birth in a week or so.
Alice: No. That's how sick babies are born.
Not nine months.
Johnny: Screw healthy babies!
Link said, "Oh my! Uh...come on! Push! You can do it! I know you can! I love you! Just keep going!"
Shania (Link): Shoot it out! Shoot it out!
That went on for a few minutes.
Yuri: Hey, correct use of time!
Johnny: The story is almost over.
After the minutes were over, Saria was holding a beautiful new baby.
Alice: I hope Link knows how to safely remove the baby from the mother.
Yuri (Link): The red wire, right?
Both smiled as they looked down at their newborn. Link took off his tunic and wrapped it around the baby.
Johnny: So no afterbirth pain? Does Kokiris just birth babies just like going to the bathroom?
Yuri: I know it's cruel, but please, Link. Smother it!
Saria opened her mouth and spoke first, "It's...it's wonderful."
Yuri: It's horrifying.
Link said, "I know. Hey, look. The sun is rising."
Alice: And the baby was forgotten.
They both turned their heads and watched it rise. The baby turned its head also.
Johnny: However, the infant snapped it's recently-formed neck.
All three watched the sun until it was at its peak.
Shania: Yay, they got to watch the sun! It took a underage baby and murder for the two lovebirds to finally do what they set out to do!
Alice: And the story is finally over!
And when it was, Link and Saria embraced in a long kiss.
Yuri: Their kiss lasted years and years.
Shania: Eventually, they grew old and died!
The couple loved each other so much and their passion for one another burned as hot as the sun above them.
Alice: They had passion in a forest! Get it? The title makes sense!
Yuri: Yes, it does. Now, I need to use up our entire hot water supply to clean me of this movie.
Alice: I shall join you.
RRRIIINNNGGG
"It's for me." Johnny called from another room. Shania picked it up and handed it to him as he ran in. She and Alice's clothes had safely dried during the story, so Shania was in a better mood.
"Who is it?" She asked.
"A client." He said. "Hello. Forest Passion Recovery Hotline. How can I help you?"
"Yes. I read the story when it first came out 11 years ago. I'm still having nightmares."
"Thanks a lot." Shania said through gritted teeth. "Now I won't be able to sleep for years to come."
"Not now, Shania. So, what have tried to relieve the pain?"
"Painkillers. It helped for the first two years."
"Johnny, do you want me to become a drughead?"
"Shut it. Have you had any problems following the reading?"
"Had to quit my job at GameStop. Couldn't look at any Zelda games without reliving the memories."
"I like Zelda games. Please stop."
"I didn't stop being social. I just couldn't look at anything Zelda related or I end up in a fetal position. I've been fine for the last three years, and I managed to play Twilight Princess without vomiting. I said I still have nightmares, but I had worse."
"Good! At least the pain will end, some day!" Shania threw her arms up and left.
"Thank you for calling. I will send you a free T-shirt. I've your address. Don't worry, this isn't a scam. Thank you, and have a better life." He hung up. Upon hearing 'free shirts', Shania came back. "Say what?" She asked. Johnny smiled, and pulled from a box a green shirt that 'I Survived Forest Passion.' He took a mailing box and placed the shirt inside. He wrote down the address from the caller and sent it through a tube.
"Yeah, I found someone in the T-shirt business who also read Forest Passion. He had some spare shirts available, so I set up this crisis hotline to help others and give them a free T-shirt. I'm doing my good deed for the day!" Johnny turned to Shania with a smile. "What about you?"
She just grabbed the shirt and walked out.
"Oh, Johnny." Yuri came in from the same door that Shania had walked out of. He carried a posterboard with him. "Before we sign out, I think I should show you this."
"What is it?"
Yuri held it up with two hands.
Johnny's eyes bugged out. A green Yoshi with short green hair, bloodshot eyes, a ninja mask, a outfit that would make porn stars barf, a feather boa, carrying a video camera and binoculars, had sparkles all around it with a single tear dropping from one eye, and a smile that reached from ear to ear.
"YURI! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" Johnny shouted, trying to get away from the thing.
"It's Saria! She's the fabulous, junkie, stalker, prostitute, ninja, fashion model, Yoshi, Cheshire Cat and the Crying Indian!" He pointed to each thing as he said it. "You like it?"
"NO! KEEP IT AWAY, KEEP IT AWAY!" Johnny ran out of the room.
"Wait! That's not all she has! She has a prize below!"
AUGH!
Somehow, the show ended.
Oddly enough, while writing this, I was watching SVU. Is that weird?