In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)
Johnny! (How we escape?)
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
Yuri and Johnny were playing cards.
Yep. Playing cards. Poker in particular.
Neither were winning. Yuri had a secret deck in his arm, and Johnny had previously taped wining hands from a third deck under the table. So while Yuri got cards under his arm, Johnny quietly peeled a hand and switched it out. It was amazing that neither noticed the other and got into another fight.
"Call." Yuri said.
"Three aces." Johnny placed down the three, plus a King of Spades and a Seven of Hearts.
"Damn. Two Kings and two Threes." Also placed was a Jack of Spades. Johnny dragged the pile of six red tokens to his pile.
"I got 200 in fake dollars." Johnny said with a glee. "You?"
"Huh. Me too." Yuri said.
At the same time: "ARE YOU CHEATING?"
"Yes." Both boys turned to see both girls watching.
"How long…"
"The whole time."
"Yuri…how did you fit 52 cards in your shirt?" Asked Alice.
"Johnny…did you expect to get away by taping cards under the table?" Asked Shania.
"HEY!" Both boys started to fight, rolling around on the floor like Calvin and Hobbes.
"Hey." Alice pointed to the rising TV moniter. "Doctor Giblets is calling."
"Name-calling, huh?" Said the Penguin…Dr. Gilbert. "Well…that proves how immature you guys are."
"And you're the Persona of Maturity." Replied Nicolai, while reading his book.
"Shut up, you worthless partner."
"Never said I was your partner."
"Moving on. Today, I've something special for you. We're going into a something by a Jared Presley, AKA Ron Presley, AKA The Prez. Today, we shall look into "The Punisher in Hyrule", a…taste into what he's like. We won't be doing Presley next time, by we will do others."
"Doubtful!" Yuri shouted before being kicked by Johnny.
"Nothing can be as bad as Forest Passion!" Johnny said before Yuri countered with a hook to the jaw.
"We shall see." Gilbert giggled. He turned to Nicolai. "Would you do the honors and send them the story?"
"Nah. You do it. You're right there."
"How about you…" Gilbert shook his head. "Never mind! I'll do it!" He pressed the button. "What can you do?"
"Mess with you."
"STORY SIGN!" Alice and Shania shouted as they ran into the theatre, and their boyfriends rolled in.
The Punisher in Hyrule
Yuri: Reminds me of Hercules In New York!
by ~The-Prez
Alice: Which one?
Yuri: Any one would do.
(Based on the scenario of Ocarina of Time, about the time that it is in when Link
goes through time.)
Johnny: With his rockin' DeLorean.
Int/Lon Lon Ranch/Night
Shania: Ladies and gentlemen, our scene.
Ingo and Talon are playing cards around a table.
Yuri (Ingo): Got any…threes?
Johnny (Talon): Go fish. Got any threes?
Talon: The shipment, did it come this morning?
Alice: Sentence fragment, did it come in this story?
Ingo: Yeah, around 3 AM. They came in from the back.
Johnny: Good old sexual innuendos!
We gave them the milk, they gave us the rupees.
Shania: Man, milk is in high demand.
Talon: Were at poverty level now as it is. Are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Yuri (Ingo): Prostitution is our only choice.
Ingo: No, but neither is starving to death.
Alice: I guess thievery is dead.
They need the milk and plants for there 'supplies.' All we get is there money.
Johnny: Umm, there? Should that be their?
Talon: Another small shipment was supposed to take place about an hour ago, it never happened.
Shania (Talon): It has our semi-colons!
Ingo: What? I didn't receive word on this? We must assume the worst.
Yuri (Ingo): PANIC! PANIC!
They were arrested, they'll rattle on us to the Knights.
Alice: I do like stories where they assume that the audience knows what's going on.
Yuri (Ingo): Then the Knights will tattle to the Pixies!
We must leave, take the rupees with you.
Johnny: Leave the bow, take the rupees.
Talon gets up holding some, an arrow goes through his back and he flops to the floor.
Shania: He does the fish flop!
Ingo(Thinking): There outside, take the secret way out.
Yuri: Hey, Ingo is a robot!
Johnny (Ingo): Must escape, first make dinner.
The house is on fire, smoke comes in the room.
Alice: When did that happen?
Johnny: Off paragraph.
Ingo moves a piece of the wall and enters a secret cellar, he closes the door.
Johnny: But he forgot to close the front door!
Several arrows are shot in the room, but Ingo is no longer in the room so he's safe.
Shania (Punisher): Darnn, my timing is off.
Int/Cellar/night
Yuri: In Passaic, New Jersey.
Ingo runs through the sewers that led to Hyrule.
Alice: Thank god that the story mentioned that he closed the door. Otherwise, the fire would have blown up all toilets in Hyrule!
Yuri (Ingo): AUGH! This was dumb!
Ingo(Thinking):
Johnny: A rare occurrence for him.
I had my secret ways.
Shania (Ingo): I'm a man of many talents.
I made this way while building the barn, even Talon doesn't know in case he tried to double-cross me.
Yuri (Ingo): I knew that Cucco bastard was no good!
Ext/Lon Lon Ranch/night
Alice: No! Are we going back to the beginning?
The Punisher makes his scene,
Johnny: With his new boots.
he scans the area but only finds the charred body
of Talon.
Shania (Punisher): Huh. I thought I set it well-done. There goes dinner.
Punisher(Thinking): Ingo was here!
Yuri (Punisher): He marked his territory!
Talon said it to me when I threatened him.
Alice (Punisher): Right before I killed him!
The fool, he though I was going to let him get away.
Johnny (Punisher): That's why I let him go, THEN kill him!
He picks rupees of the ground.
Shania (Punisher): Oh boy! I can buy a birth control test from the potion shop in Kakariko!
Johnny: GAH! THE FLASHBACKS ARE KICKING IN!
Punisher(Thinking): I'm gonna need more supplies.
Yuri (Punisher): Good thing I found some money on the floor! Instant Deus Ex Machina!
This should cover it. I'll clean up the scum here.
Alice (Punisher): Nothing like more fire!
But how did he escape? I shot enough arrows to fill the room up.
Johnny (Punisher): If only I aimed!
The Punisher sees a hole where a wall once was before it was burnt down.
Shania: I'm confused. Is the house burned down, or is it partially burned down?
Johnny: Don't bother.
Punisher(Thinking): I'll get him later.
Yuri (Punisher): I got errands to do.
There's other business I must obtain to first.
Alice: Is that finding better grammar?
Int/Kokiri Forest/dawn
Johnny: NO! WE'RE GOING BACK! Uahahahaha…
Shania: It's okay. There is no passion in this.
Mido is with a few other Kokiri.
Shania: This story simplifies everything!
Alice: Hey, Mido is alive again! Maybe we can see him die again!
Mido: Where is it?
Yuri (Mido): The grass. Where is it?
Tito: It's all right here.
Alice: Ah. Tito, the surfing Kokiri.
He shows him the 'stuff.'
Johnny: Eww!
Mido: How much?
Shania (Tito): A hundred for a one night.
Tito: This is hard stuff to get. Almost got busted dude.
Yuri (Tito): I had to give the police a freebie! I must say!
Spent 3 days going into Hyrule Castle to get it.
Alice (Tito): The king drives a hard bargain.
750,000 rupees.
Johnny: WOW! You can't even get that much in ten games combined!
Yuri (Tito): I know it's hard, but I had to pay 500 for it.
Doki:
Yuri: What is up with the names? These aren't from the game!
Alice: He's half of 'Doki-Doki Panic.'
Johnny: He shall discuss the conspiracy later.
Mido, you don't have that cash. That's more than our whole entire Villages Capita Income.
Alice (Mido): But this grass is what we need to purge our minds of Forest Passion!
Tito: That's right, everything becomes mine. I'm the acting leader now if you want more of this.
Johnny (Tito): So there!
Mido: Boys, negotiations over.
Shania (Mido): Because I suck at this.
Mido stabs Tito, but arrows hits his men and he gets hit within 2 seconds.
Another second gives time for Tito's meant to run, but 3 seconds later they
fall before they even know their enemy.
Yuri: Actions scenes are supposed to make sense, you dolt!
Only an injured Mido is left on the ground alive.
Alice: Then Link walks in, slashes his chest, and Mido falls into a lake!
Yuri: We need some counseling after this. Too many Forest Passion references.
The Punisher walks up to him.
Johnny: Yes, yes, we need to know every single step!
Punisher:
Shania (Punisher): Give me your shoes.
Cute, use a sword.
Yuri: Wooden swords are kinda of cute, I guess.
Johnny: No, wait, I think Mido's real name is Cute!
You'd have been dead quicker if it wasn't for me. You'd all been dead.
Alice (Punisher): They would have killed you, turn you into a zombie, and then kill you again!
You have poor fighting skills.
Johnny (Punisher): Noob.
Mido:
Shania: Don't you mean Cute?
What do you want...
Yuri (Punisher): I said, give me your shoes!
The Punisher lights a stick and throws it into the drugs.
Alice: It's super effective! The grass faints!
Punisher: Not that, this is over.
Johnny: His career in poetry would fall flat in the manner of days.
I'm ending this business. A little fear will go along way.
Shania (Punisher): Don't you know who the hell I am? I'm the goddamn Punisher!
Yuri: Not that scary, really?
Mido: What?
Yuri (Cute): WHAT IS THIS, I DON'T EVEN!
He pours Zorian ooze on him.
Alice: He's using fish guts? Eww!
It's very flammable.
Johnny: In the days before oil spills!
Punisher: Wake up, it's light out!
Shania: You rhyme / is lame!
He throws the burning drugs at him, it burns.
Yuri: Ah. The horrendous dialogue, it horrifies.
The punisher throws water on a few minutes after that.
Alice: No, don't do that! Now your Baked Cute is ruined!
Int/Hyrule Castle/Castle Saloon/day
Johnny: There's a saloon in the castle?
Yuri: All they got is piss-warm chango.
Ganondorf: What is the situation?
Shania: All our base belongs to them!
Ramirez:
Yuri: Yes, Ramirez. A common Hylian name!
7 busts within 24 hours. It's unknown who did this, except for Talon.
Alice (Ramirez): Sadly, he was overcooked.
He gave us info, said the man called himself The Punisher.
Johnny (Ramirez): We don't know who it is, but we know who it is.
He literally came from nowhere.
Shania: Our only explanation for the Punisher being here!
Ganondorf: The economy?
Yuri: That IS a good question.
Ramirez: Crumbled.
Alice: And that's the perfect answer!
We lost more than we have. Our whole investment was in that.
Johnny: So Hyrule's entire economy is based off drugs?
Yuri: The grass business had bloomed!
Ganondorf: No! He still has the money and the stuff!
Shania (Ganondorf): He's has my teddy!
I want him dead.
Yuri (Ganondorf): He…must…die.
Ramirez: Knights.
Alice: …of the round table, we dance when ere we're able!
3 knights from the pub come up to them. A Goron, A Zorian, and a Gerardo.
Johnny: Gerardo? Isn't that supposed to be Gerudo?
Alice: It's Spanish for brave spear-wielder.
Johnny: In this story? He won't live up to that.
Ramirez: I have assigned 3 assassins. They're the top in their league.
Shania (Ramirez): They got on the dean's list.
They'll find the Punisher anywhere, anytime.
Yuri: But not on Saturday.
At one of the seats at the pub is a disguised knight, who really is the Punisher.
Alice: Pub? I thought this was a saloon!
Yuri: Well, I do like a good ale.
Punisher(Thinking): Yeah right, they couldn't find me when I was under their nose.
Johnny: People think too much.
Alice: But nothing intelligent.
Problem...they weren't in the war.
Shania: Great, he's flashing back to his war days!
They don't know who there enemy is!
Yuri: 'THEIR!'. Not 'there', but 'THEIR'!
Alice: And what is he talking about? Is this an old Punisher?
Yuri: No, he's a hobo dressed as the Punisher. Let's call him Bob.
Ext/Field/night
Alice: Could this be in Texas?
Outside the castle, the Gerardo rides a horse going towards the Gerardo village.
Johnny: A entire village of clones? Wow, that's cool!
She sees a bag full of rupees on the side of the road, she gets off the horse
and grabs them.
Shania/Akabar: IT'S A TRAP!
Alice: Hey, Gerardo is a girl. Okay.
Gerardo #1: Ha, I pity the fool who left these here.
Yuri: Hey, it's Mrs. T!
Johnny: This story should have been about Mr. T and his adventure in Hyrule!
Shania: I will pay good money to see that.
The Punisher rides on a Black Stallion and runs over the Gerardo.
Alice: Yep, traffic is pretty bad, even in medieval times.
Punisher: No...your the fool.
Johnny: Did he just call himself an idiot?
Ext/Goron City/night
Shania: Oh good. A description.
The Goron is outside on the cliffside smoking a pipe.
Yuri (Goron): I should try to find Bob, but I think smoking is the answer!
Goron 1(Thinking): How am I supposed to track this guy down?
Alice: Send him smoke signals!
He has no pattern! I must though, for a big reward...
Johnny: He needs that money for his pipes.
The Punisher picks him up.
Shania: The Goron was too high to care.
Goron 1: Hey...how can you lift me? What are you?
Yuri (Bob): My name is Bob. How are you?
Punisher: Your reaper...
Alice (Bob): You forgot to tip me!
He throws the Goron off the cliff.
Johnny: And…scene! Good!
Int/Zorian River/hut/night
Yuri: They thought it was drafty to build a hut in the middle of the river!
Zorian 1 is in a hut by the river.
Alice: Why are the characters are named by race and number?
Yuri: Because the author can't think that hard.
He is looking through his weapons.
Johnny: Hey, some competence!
Zorian 1(Thinking): Everything's here. I must act before the others get to him. After all, it's my money, and mine alone.
Shania: I'm rooting for this guy.
He hears a sound in the bushes from outside.
Yuri (Zorian): I set upon it with vengeance!
Zorian 1(Thinking): It's the others! They're trying too off me! Want the money for themselves.
Alice: Wow, this guy is somewhat cool.
He gets his arrows out.
Johnny: This guy throws arrows? That's cool!
Zorian 1(Thinking): I can't just waltz outside! I'll use the scope.
Shania: Come on, Z1! Kill Bob and end this!
He looks around at the trees. The Punisher is hiding in one.
Yuri: That's hard, hiding in a tree.
Alice: He's hiding in the larch! Hobos like the larch!
Punisher (Thinking): Hmm, smarter than I expected, a few more seconds he'll have me.
Alice: And…BOOM!...he gets shot during his inner-monologue!
The Punisher is holding on a rope.
Johnny: Thank you.
Alice: But he needs lamp oil and bombs!
Punisher(Thinking): As a rule, always look under you.
Shania: Do you ever talk?
Yuri: Does the original Punisher rhyme?
Johnny: No. But this is Bob, remember?
The Zorian in his hut looks under him, sees he's in a rope circle.
Yuri: That's one fancy rope trick!
Zorian: Wha...
Alice: I said the same thing too!
It is pulled and has him by the neck.
Johnny: Boo! Boo!
Punisher(Thinking): That takes care of the 'threat.'
Shania: Aside from this guy, the threat wasn't that much.
Alice: Why didn't he kill back at the saloon/pub?
Yuri: He likes to travel.
Ext/Gerardo Fortress/day
Yuri: See? Bob likes traveling.
Ramirez is in the shotgun of a carriage.
Alice: Carriages don't have shotguns.
Yuri: But the 1011 Forester does!
Johnny: And it comes with a free shotgun!
There are horses behind him.
Johnny: They're in reverse.
Ramirez: We take off...
Shania: …to Camelot!
to get Hyrule Castle.
Yuri: But it's only a model!
Driver: How about the Punisher, think he'll ruin our plans?
Alice: But the Punisher isn't here. Bob is!
Ramirez: He's as good as dead.
Johnny (Ramirez): Bob shall make good meat!
Ramirez looks over and the driver is the Punisher, they take off with the Gerardo on horses
following them.
Shania: Ladies and gentlemen, the Gerardo Horse Show!
Ramirez: How did you get by the guards?
Yuri (Bob): I killed them! Hurr hurr!
This is pointless, let me go.
Alice: I agree.
Punisher: I'm after Ganon, he's a hard person to get in contact too, however I think things will change after this.
Johnny: Bob! He comes to town, come to save, the princess Mary…
Ramirez: You bet they will!
Shania (Ramirez): I got insurance!
Ganon will destroy you, like he's going to destroy Hyrule.
Yuri: Legend of Bob.
Punisher: Nope, you're never going to make it in that battle. Get out.
Alice (Bob): I got a date tonight, and I don't want a third wheel!
Ramirez: Get out? You want me to jump in front of a militia of horses at full speed?
Johnny: Ramirez isn't into the whole Jackass thing.
Give me a chance.
Shania: No, you want a Community Chest card!
The Punisher aims an arrow at his head.
Yuri: There's a shortage of bows in this world.
Punisher: The same chance that you'd give me Ramirez!
Alice (Bob): I want St. Charles Railroad!
Ramirez jumps out and is trampled by the horses.
Johnny: Those horseshoes will never come out!
The militia start chasing the carriage. It stops.
Shania: A chase scene on par with 'Mitchell'!
Gerardo 2: What are we waiting for? Go to the carriage.
Yuri: A big mistake any goon can make.
They run up and the Punisher steps out with a flame-thrower. It burns many of the Gerardo.
Alice: NO! The flamethrower BURNS people? I thought it just lightly toast people!
Punisher(Thinking): If they get a good shot at the pack, then I'm toast.
Johnny: TALK, DAMN YOU!
More will be coming.
Shania: Around the mountain they come!
He runs down the field.
Yuri: Shame he didn't have Epona's Song.
To be continued...
Alice: NEVER!
Shania pulled out a newspaper, date unknown, and opened it to Page B-5.
An arrow went right through the page. "What the…" She started to say before a second arrow removed the newspaper from her hands. As a barrage of arrows came raining down, Shania survived by hiding under a table. She looked up to see a Yuri dressed in black leather clothes and carrying arrows.
"Yuri! The hell!"
"Who's this Yuri?" Said 'Yuri'. "I'm Bob, the Punisher. I throw arrows." He threw an arrow at nothing, and hit nothing save for the floor.
"Stop! Seriously!" Shania got up to charge at him, but a rope from nowhere pulled her up off her feet. "When the hell did you get that set up?"
"I'm Bob, the Punisher!"Yuri shouted again. "Now, where's my stampede of horses? Johnny!" Johnny, the only new thing he had on was a pair of sunglasses, came into view.
"Sorry…all I could find was these cardboard cut-outs." He dragged three badly drawn horses near Shania.
"Good. Can you get me down?" Shania asked. Johnny nodded and threw a knife, sending Shania to the ground. After jumping to her feet, she prepared to bash Yuri on his head, but stopped when she noticed that Yuri wasn't moving. He just stood there, straight as a spear.
"Is he….thinking?" Shania asked.
"Yeah." Johnny threw his glasses off and walked away. Shania tapped Yuri, and he fell over, remaining stiff.
Shania rubbed her hands. "Well…that's all folks." She pressed the button, and all goes dark.
After playing Zelda3DS, I realized that Kakariko Village isn't the Kokiri Forest, so my riff from Forest Passion doesn't make sense. Yet, that did lead to other questions. The village is OUTSIDE the forest, how the hell did Saria return? Second, the village doesn't have a shop in the PAST. (Remember, Young Link) Third, would anyone even consider selling a birth-control test to a minor? Sure, who knows how old Saria really is, but still
Anyway, next time is something special. In fact, someone made a motion-picture out of it! Find it on YouTube.