In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)
Johnny! (How can we escape?)
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
"Woo-hoo!" Johnny yelled, setting up the palm tree. "VACATION TIME!"
"Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Hunk of Junk, and we have a vacation! Woot!" Yuri shouted, releasing every color of the rainbow balloons into the air. "Nicolai and Gilbert haven't contacted us in some time, and their isn't anything in the theater!"
"I don't care if the theme is Hawaii, I'm not wearing coconuts!" Shania said, in a non party-like mood. "I don't know how you got ALICE to wear that…" She waved behind her, as Alice danced in a traditional hula outfit, without a care in the world. "…but I have dignity! And, Johnny, you know I hate coconuts! With a fiery passion!"
Johnny crossed his arms. "Hey…Shania…you know what I kept on the way here?"
Shania didn't spend a single second thinking. She grabbed the outfit and walked to her room, slamming the door.
"Oh, Johnny." Yuri shook his head. "You have blackmail?"
"…what blackmail?" Johnny replied, with a smile that could uneasy the devil.
WHEEP WHEEP WHEEP
"What did you idiots destroy this time?" Shania poked her head out.
"Nothing!" Alice said, running into the room that she and Shania shared. "All that happened when you entered the room was that Yuri asked Johnny about the blackmail, and Johnny replied that he had no blackmail."
Shania threw the coconuts and grass skirt at Johnny, knocking him down.
"Hey! The monitor!" Yuri pointed to the descending screen, like usual. "Oh, come on!"
"Oh, hello, fools." But no image could be seen. Just the chilling voice of Nicolai. "If you're hearing this, a unknown force has either a). killed us b). taken us or c). enlisted us to help fight a war. But we just can't leave you alone in that station without a story to suffer through. As much as I think this is stupid, I rather send you a story than let you have a Hawaii-theme party with the girls dressed in coconuts."
"Thank you." Shania said, quite pleased.
"I'm recording this while Gilbert is fixing up 'My Immortal.' For a master evil scientist, he doesn't send the worst ones, just the dumb ones. He plays softballs. I play spitball. So enjoy 'A Haunting Past.' A description? Hehehe…I wouldn't want to ruin it! Now, into the theater, fools!"
"WE GOT STORY SIGN!" Yuri shouted, running into the theater.
"STOP SAYING THAT!" Everyone else said, following him.
One day Lemmy burst his ball and he needed money to buy a new one.
Yuri: Insert your own sexual innuendo here!
His first attempt for money was to sell stuff.
Alice: But his bargaining skill was low.
He sold lots of stuff, like Ludwig's candy,
Johnny: Which had no retail value.
Wendy's shells,
Shania: Fake.
Roy's room,
Yuri: He should have tried to sell his garage!
Johnny: Boo!
the dogs, the cats, the Holy Grail,
Alice: Which is made out of wood.
Iggy's giant Goombas,
Johnny: How about something with value?
and all of Larry's plants.
Shania: He considered selling the golden statue, but thought it was worthless.
He tried to sell Morton, but ended up giving him to Good Will.
Yuri: Good Will is secretly a slave operation?
Shania: I knew it!
He also sold all the underlings, Bowser's spikes, Clawdia's broom and mop, and last he sold TMS to Sandslash to be a slave.
Alice: Dear god…if you're going to go that far, then just sell the castle!
He made two bucks, still not enough to buy a new ball.
Johnny: Then again, he bought a hundred pounds of candy.
Lemmy built an amusement park
Shania: Hey! He can't afford a ball, but a amusement park? You could buy a million balls!
Alice: Don't trip over the plot holes, Shania.
and Sandslash was the ride-tester and TMS (Lemmy bought him back)
Yuri: Don't drive around here! The plot holes will wreck you!
cleaned up animal and crowd waste, and then covered himself in it for 10 bucks as entertainment.
Alice: Then died after getting ten different diseases.
Sandslash had fun on the gravity defying roller coaster,
Johnny: Providing enough waste for TMS.
and all the other fun-fun rides.
Shania: But those were edited out of the story.
Lemmy then decided to smash some coin blocks.
Yuri: Something even a Goomba could even figure out.
Alice: He also remembered that he had a entire fortune to use.
Johnny: He bought insurance on the amusement park. And he had lots of fire.
However, there weren't any coin blocks around.
Alice: It can mean only one thing…MARIO!
However, Lemmy had gotten something in the mail,
Johnny: Something not for little koopalings.
and he opened it, and saw he had won the contest he entered.
Shania: The Plot Hole contest! Get the most plot holes and win a prize!
Lemmy had won 12.5 billion coins! He was rich!
Yuri: Ah, but unfortunately that comes down to 12.5 in American dollars.
"YAAAAAAHOO! I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M FABBBBBBBULOUSLY WEALTHY! OOH WOW WOO WOO WOO WOO!"
Alice (Lemmy): Now I can build a second amusement park to buy me a new ball!
Yuri: It's going to repeat! NNOOO!
Lemmy then all of sudden started doing cartwheels, backflips, double jumps, somersaults, bouncing on his head and kissing the goldfish.
Johnny: He also built a second amusement park, sold and re-bought TMS, threw more crap at Sandslash, and did some naughty things!
But it said you had to be 100 years old to get the money!
Shania: Well, it was the 'Be A Hundred Years Old And Win' contest! Didn't you read the flyer?
And Lemmy lost all the money from the park because Sandslash took it over and made TMS his slave again.
Yuri: Got that, audience? Good, now explain it to me.
TMS told Lemmy that if he freed him that he would help him get the cash,
Alice: Grand Theft Auto style.
so Lemmy gave Sandslash an IOU for $100 bucks.
Johnny: Holy…how much do BALLS cost this world?
Alice: That depends. In dollars or in coins?
TMS then used a little Guardian magic to make Lemmy look a hundred years old.
Shania: Trust us, it REALLY happened!
Unfortunately, after Lemmy got the money,
Yuri: More stupid crap happened!
TMS had been sent to guardian prison (an inescapable prison)
Alice: Despite the large hole on the third floor.
for using unnecessary magic and couldn't turn him back into a Koopaling. (He's the only one who can reverse such a spell cast by him.)
Johnny: So…we went from a plot to getting money, to a jail break with a hundred year old man?
Yuri: The next plot is going to be about what color ball Lemmy is going to get! Which involves him getting a paint can, a rope and a ladder!
Lemmy had three choices:
Shania: Off a cliff, swim in lava, or Mario.
Ditch TMS and stay old forever but with a ball,
Yuri: Sounds good. (If it ends this.)
spring TMS with the money
Alice: Which costs exactly 12.5 billion coins.
and get turned back to his normal form, or brake into the prison and get TMS out money in hand.
Johnny: Or d). DIE.
Well, Sandslash told Lemmy if he would let him have TMS back as his slave, he would help get TMS out.
Shania: Barely a couple of minutes into this, and my mind is going FNGEKJFJK MCF,I;.FVDTYFGHG
Lemmy agreed to this.
Yuri (Lemmy): I agree to this.
So Sandslash ran into the prison,
Alice: Got shot…
pulled out his Masamune Blade,
Johnny: Out of his ass…
and sliced a square in the wall.
Shania: He needed to make a triangle to pass his test.
The wall fell open and TMS was looking at Sandslash, wide eyed on the toilet.
Yuri: I see the author lives at the bottom of the barrel.
Sandslash cut threw the side of his cell!
Alice: As implied and shown in the last sentence.
Sandslash took TMS to Lemmy.
Johnny: Who needs action? I don't!
He stuck TMS in an energy cell (an invisible shield impossible to get out of from inside.)
Shania: Sandlash's ass is HUGE!
and said he would let him free if he got 1.5 billion bucks (Lemmy only had 1.4.)
Yuri: When did he get the 150,000 coins? And why would Lemmy let him free? He let Sandlash free him to take him as a slave.
Alice: Yuri…you're trying to create logic where none exist.
Johnny: I'm surprised you cared.
Sandslash was mad when he found out he didn't have it, so he stole his 1.4 billion and ran off with TMS.
Alice: Lemmy is missing some fries from a happy meal, ain't he?
Then he threw his Masamune Blade at Lemmy like a boomerang. Lemmy threw a rock at it but it sliced straight through it!
Johnny: This requires a translation!
All of the sudden an explosion was heard.
Shania: In plot 3…
As Sandslash looked back, Linary had caught the blade in human form,
Yuri: Introducing Linary! The Drop-In Character!
unfortunately, he had disintegrated and reformed.
Alice: Much like the author's mind!
"Sandslash, I think you left something." Linary threw the sword back.
Johnny (Linary): Your purse. You left it last night at my place.
(Ben's view)
Shania: Who is Ben? Ben is the audience. Ben sees everything right now as nightmare.
Sandslash started to run, but had stopped dead, literally.
Yuri: One down, god-who-knows how many to go.
The sword that had been thrown back to him by Linary had chopped his head off while it was still spinning in the air.
Alice: Even the sword wants to leave!
I rushed out, since I had seen the entire thing, and looked at the cell TMS is in.
Johnny: Stop teleporting! It's confusing!
I touched it and got zapped with about 75 billion megavolts of electricity.
Shania: Touched what? TMS' poop?
However, I only absorbed it, being immune to electricity.
Yuri: In a world where everyone's ASS is large!
I took out my super hammer and started to smash wildly at TMS's cell,
Alice: Ghh…my mind…
which smashed open after the 7th hit.
Johnny: I wish I was that lucky.
TMS thanked me, and I grabbed the money Sandslash took, and threw it back to Lemmy.
Shania: Plot resolved! The end?
Mario came over, and started yelling about stuff, like what's going on, and all this crud.
Yuri: The audience's consul!
I hated Mario,
Alice: Oh, Ben is a Marty Stu! He's jealous of Mario for having Peach! Brace yourself!
so I walloped him and his unnaturally big nose,
Johnny: And Ben's fist bounced back, and hurt him.
and he went flying.
Shania: For a single foot.
The only time Mario was EVER seen again, he was only a little blip on the Mushroom Kingdom's National Air and Space Association screen.
Yuri: Then again, Ben lived only a day after today, so he's doesn't know what happened.
Lemmy now had his 1.4 billion dollars back, and he jumped for joy.
Alice (Lemmy): I jump for joy!
I gave Lemmy 7.6 billion dollars, because I'm rich, and have an endless supply of money.
Johnny: Gack! Ben, just finish this! Please!
"Okay... Now what?" Lemmy asked.
Shania: The End?
Yuri: Fin?
Alice: That's a wrap?
Johnny: Even a To Be Continued?
Suddenly there was laughing.
Yuri: Stop! I refuse to have anyone laugh after…this!
"Mwa-ha-ha!" Sandslash's headless body started to float.
Alice: BEN MORON KILLED ME! BEN MORON KILLED ME! BEN MORON KILLED ME!
Then his head regenerated. "MWA-HA-HA!" Sandslash dug his hand into his mouth and pulled out another Masamun Blade.
Johnny: Don't you mean his ass?
Then his skin ripped off to reveal Axem Red, now a strong evil force.
Shania: Oh. This should be easy.
He then coughed up Sandslash. "Hey! The last thing I remember Axem Red ate me."
Yuri: Vore? Dear…sweet…god…
Suddenly Mario levitated too and turned ino Axem Black.
Alice: No author should have this kind of power!
Then AxemBblack (in a evil strong form) coughed up Mario.
Johnny: Im…getting…weak…
Shania: Johnny fainted!
Yuri: We need to keep going…
The same happened to Axem Yellow, whose form was Luigi, Axem Green, whose form was Princess Toadstool, and Axem Pink, whose form was Toad.
Shania: This makes no sense! I'm gone, and I'm taking Johnny with me!
Yuri: You can't…she just did.
Alice: Down to you and me, then.
They all coughed up their forms.
Yuri: Sounds like someone needs some Robotustin.
Then they combined themselves into one monster who was as tall as a tree.
Alice: That tree was a bonsai.
"MMMMMMWWWWAAAAAAa-HHHHHAAAAAAAAA-HHHHHAAAAAAAA! MEEET, AXEMASTER!"
Yuri: There's going to be wrestling!
He dropped his Masamune Blade.
Alice: Who? WHO?
Sandslash took it and tossed one to TMS, and took the other one for himself.
Yuri: They must be at a Masamune garden during the on season.
"I've got better weapons." TMS set the blade down,
Alice: Then got killed a second latter.
"I call upon the power of the heavens, Star Staff appear!" A huge staff with a lethal star for a blade appeared, and all of a sudden TMS became Star Seeker.
Yuri: …am I foaming?
Alice: No. I am.
Yuri: Alice? ALICE!
"I finally get to use it again! Yes!"
Yuri: The first annual!
"Not without us behind you!" Star Koopa called.
Yuri: I…Can't…Take… It…ANYMORE! I'm leaving!
Hardman5509: But the story is still going…and without Gilbert and/or Nicolai, the audience will just have to read the rest of the story without…
Yuri: You do it!
Hardman5509: Really? Okay!
"Star Mirror appear. Show me the future of this battle!" The mirror showed Sandslash and Star Seeker fighting side by side.
Hardman5509: Having their asses handed to them.
"Star Sword Appear!" Star Freezer called.
"Star Glaive Appear!" Star Shrinker cried.
Hardman5509: Star Hammer Appear! Star Gauntlet Appear! Star Condom Appear!
"Sailor Stars, Join!" The weapons began to meld together.
Hardman5509: Creating a puddle.
The mirror's glossy surface replaced the star tip, the swords jewels encrusted the handle, and then the mirror turned into the wicked can-opener curve of the glaive.
Hardman5509: Oh, it's weapon porn!
All the Stars melted together to form Starath.
Hardman5509: A word that took a second to think of.
It was as big as Axemaster and held the mixture of weapons, ready to attack.
Hardman5509: Ensuring victory over the EVIL villains, who never know true love.
Anyways, Sandslash took the Masamune Blade and threw it at Axemaster.
Hardman5509: He got annoyed that the others were doing nothing to attack the enemy, despite the enemy waiting patiently.
It cut straight through one of its arms and flew back into Sandslash's hand.
Hardman5509: Cutting it.
Then Sandslash pulled out a red stick.
Hardman5509: Oh god! Put that away, they're kids here!
"Power stick extend!" His stick extended and pushed Sandslash up to head level with Axemaster.
Hardman5509: Good plan! Let's see what happens.
Axemaster grabbed Sandslash and squeezed him.
Hardman5509: Yay!
Starath came and punched a hole in Axemasters's leg and Axemaster started to fall.
Hardman5509: Cheap shot! Cheap shot!
Then Sandslash stuck the stick between his legs, and raised his leg up, shoving the stuck in his... vulnerable spot.
Hardman5509: Our heroes…they fight really dirty.
Axemaster was on the ground shaking.
Hardman5509: Look, you made him cry.
Then suddenly all his wounds sealed up!
Hardman5509: That's why you don't push enemies into health packets during online play!
Starath became the four stars, deciding they needed strength in numbers. "Koopa Star Power!"
"Seeker Star Power!"
"Freezer Star Power!"
"Shrinker Star Power!"
Hardman5509: By the power of Plothole! I HAVE THE POWER!
Starath seperated into the four stars, Koopa, Seeker, Freezer, and Shrinker. "I am Star Koopa, prepare to meet your doom!"
Hardman5509: Ghh…what's going on…
"I am Star Seeker, see if you can match my Seeking Inferno."
"I am Star Freezer, prepare to be frozen!"
"I am Star Shrinker, be prepared to be out witted."
"Koopa Shooting Star..."
"Star Seeking Inferno..."
"Freezing Star..."
"Shrinking Star..."
"Strike!"
"Seek!"
"Freeze!"
"Shrink!"
Hardman5509: SHUT UP! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! GOD! Those guys got it right! I can't stand it anymore! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
"All right, the bad news first."
"Go ahead. Even the world ending sounds nice." Yuri moaned, as everyone just laid on the floor, in severe mental pain.
"You will have to come back to this one day." Hardman5509 said, putting on earphones. The earphones flew off a second later. "But not next time. Possibly after you finish My Immortal, and even then it will still be in parts. But next time, it's back to My Immortal!"
"Hey!" Shania shot back up. "Can you get us out of here? You're the author, end this!"
"…why? Your pain brings in views! Now…end interlude!"
HOLY...CRAP...that was bad. Then again, I found this story under DARTHWIKI, under the Fanfic section of SO BAD IT'S HORRIBLE.